Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

         Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True Horror-scopes
                              
disclaimer: If satire were gravy and donuts, I would be happy and obese.

this week: Hey, you-- Turkey-Lurkey over there, you're looking juicy...                                                                      Prepare thyself, for the Gravy Hour draws nigh.

Aries- The intersection of First and F Streets in Washington D.C., is designated Capitalsaurus Court. Good god, why, why such piffle? Nerds found some dinosaur bones there and yes, they coined it a Capitalsaurus. How disinventively™ apropos. And there's this: the local legislature actually made it the official dinosaur of the District of Columbia. If that big dead animal were alive today, I'm sure he would be grateful to the muddy swamp that caused his demise. How else could he have earned such a creative moniker? Unlike the big dumb lizards, you are not stuck. Use your legs, run away.

Taurus- This one time I totally ran at this windmill, just gonna tear it a new one, right, and just as I'm about to pounce on my most mortal of enemies, just as I'm about to taste sweet sweet windmill blood, I see a little tear in the windmill's eye. Completely took the mizzen out of my moody sails. My angry mood at Tewkesbury all over again. How shallow, how trivial and shortsighted my vengeful needs. Put down your lance and give Sancho the day off, he has a wife and a family back in the village, you know. Besides, windmills are our friends and deserving of grace and compassion as are all your so called enemies.

Gemini- I swear the following is true bullshit: The state beverage of 20 different U.S. states is milk. My intellectual takeaway from this information is twofold: 1) we have official state beverages and no one told me, wtf?!, and 2) milk, really? Nebraska couldn't decide, so made a split decision, milk and Kool-Aid. Indiana though, went way forward. Their state beverage is water. Water. Granted, the giver and sustainer of life, the universal solvent even, but really, water? Hoosier water. Maird. That's why California is the greatest state-- we chose wine. In legislatus veritas, no? Call your congressperson and thank them.

Cancer- Æthelred the Unready was the king of England in the year 1000. Contrary to his moniker, he was not a dingus. He was unready because he became king at age 10. His sons, Erik One Nut and Edward the Incontinent never made it to the throne, for what should be obvious reasons. It was the third son, Johnny the Back Stabber, who did eventually usher in a brief era of total peace for a period of 3 weeks in late in 1043, until ironically he was stabbed at a Raider game in Oakland. Your 3 weeks are almost here. Prepare your kingly nickname and ready yourself for total peace. Three weeks of it anyway.

Leo-  Recently I was caught inside a vortex of an old He-Man cartoon from 1984. There was the disembodied floating guy with no face, Battle Cat, pseudo-erotic sorcery, the power of Grayskull, and lots of boobs and cleavage in Viking outfits parading around until one of them inevitably gets into trouble and He-Man has to whip out his 'sword' and get more 'roided up than he already is-- wearing simple peasant outfits-- c'mon fer reals, dude you're not fooling anyone. We get it, your sword is metaphor for your schlong-- real subtle. Beware the vortex of the insanely inane and indolently idolatrous. If you mean schlong, just say so. Be direct. It's the fastest way to Grayskull.

Virgo-  Words of wisdom are spoken by children as often as by scientists or other smarty-pants book huggers. Case in point: a googol is a 1 followed by 100 zeroes, or 10 to the power of 100. It's not named after a mathematician or some obtuse greek derivation that means stupid big number; the name googol was invented by a child, and not some freaky savant kid either, just your average kid who likes ice cream and making forts out of pillows. The universe appears complex, but imagination is our greatest asset in trying to quantify it. Your imagination is wider than a googol. Go forth and multiply exponentially.

Libra- I am immune to your scorpionic sting. Yeah, yeah I know, but in ancient Greece, the Libran scales were actually the claws of the Scorpion. You have the Romans to thank for pulling you two asunder. Not that Greek society wasn't a complex one, but as time moves forward, I wonder if as societies become larger, more codified, and therefore more complex, that humans' distinct personality types become more varied. That is to say, the modern Libra's roots evolved their way out of the psyche of the Scorpion, perhaps through sheer intellectual will. Air from water. Intellect from passion. Pleasure from poison. Ponder that shit.

Scorpio- Of all the signs, I can picture you most readily as the head of a secret society, not because of your obsessive taciturnocity™, but rather due to all the freaky shit I know you're into and how it may not be appropriate for the public at large. Take for example The Most Ancient and Most Puissant Order of the Beggar's Benison and Merryland, Anstruther. Seriously, take it, hasn't been used since the club disbanded in 1836. Btw, Merryland is an old school wink and a nudge for the female body, so you can probably guess what the club did on Saturday nights. Whatever club you start this week, keep the by-laws inclusive. I will be first in line for membership applications and friendly hazing, which I assume due to your proclivities will involve spankings and orgiastic contrition.

Sagittarius- The official state beverage of Maine is a soft drink called Moxie. It was one the first mass produced sodas in the U.S.; and there's an old timey looking guy on the can, known as the Moxie Man, and he's pointing at you, not so subtly intimating that you need some Moxie because you look pale and weak, hence the original name for the drink, Moxie Nerve Food. To me, you are a can of Moxie that's been shaken in one of those paint mixing machines at the hardware store, ready to spew a whole lotta Moxie on an unsuspecting thirsty imbiber. Your explosive spray is invigorating and tasty. Bring it.

Capricorn- There are 6 states that have official state dinosaurs, and several more states that have official state fossils. New Jersey's is the hadrosaurus. So at some point there was enough people in local legislature who agreed that we definitely need a state dinosaur, or how will we compete with the likes of New Jersey? The District of Columbia's answer to the Jersey Shore Hadrosaur® was of of course, the Capitalsaurus. The senate is where shit gets done. Declare recess in the parliament of your mind and leave such frivolity to the judiciary clade of the Holocene Era.

Aquarius- Tweak one little thing in the genetic development of the human brain, and the cornucopia of wacky that ensues can induce tripping balls. Case in point: there's this autistic guy, who from age 2 is a master pianist. In his brain, he can hear more than one melody at one time. And get this, if you ask him to play a Beethoven piece, for example, in the style of Mozart, he can do it instantly and without forethought. The Aquarian brain is an equally wacky place. We truly are the music makers and the dreamers of dreams. All ideas, thoughts and delusions in and out side the underlying cosmic ubiquity (curse you, Shiva) can be enough to drive one to madness. Which is exactly why you need to know when to give it a rest and have some tacos listen to the ocean breathing.

Pisces- We are the music makers / and we are the dreamers of dreams / wandering by lone sea breakers / and sitting by desolate streams / world losers and world forsakers / on whom the pale moon gleams / yet we are the movers and shakers / of the world for ever, it seems. Yes, Willy Wonka, but penned by Arthur O'Shaughnessy, who at 17 became the transcriber for the Library of the British Museum, and oddly later at 19, a herpetologist. Only a Pisces can make an Aquarius jealous, and possibly a bit obsessed. No wonder you hide away from world. You are intellect and emotion wrapped up in a most delicious rainbow rolls. You are perfection for my tongue and ears. Your will is always aligned with that of the 'verses'. And lizards apparently.