Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True
Horror-scopes
disclaimer: Those who revile satire are often thoughtless ignominious cowards, piloting their garbage scows only towards envy and fear.
this week: I don't know much, but I assure you, there is a wonderful reason I'm not wearing pants.
Aries- This week, when we hit 11:11am on 11/11/11, I want you to eat of a ripe mango, while standing on one foot, and think of what you love most. Hopefully that won't turn out to be yourself. Then at 11:11pm, you should take a moment to think about the last twelve hours and whether or not superstition helped you get what you want. I find that wishing begets more wishing and then more of not having. Granted that having can make you yearn for the having of something else, and so on, until one day you wake up in a motel in Butthole, 2 miles outside of Ahole City, in a bath tub full of ice, wondering where your liver is. Don't ask, just take. But be nice about it, don't be a Buren®.
Taurus- You can crack an egg, a joke, a case, a nut, a door, or a smile. You can also crack pepper. Corn is also in the realm of crack filled adventurism™, and you don't even have to give a flying fudge while you're doing it. You can crack up laughing, crack up crazy, fall through the cracks, crack under pressure, heck-- you can crack open a beer, in fact, crack two beers cause I just got here, and I like beer. But, you... You are uncrackable. You're impervious, you're granite, you're freakin' Gibraltar. You are made of super hard nuts. Stop using them to crack lame idioms, and build yourself a better oak tree.
Gemini- Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitan is the longest name for a place in the world at a ridiculous 85 letters. It's like a stroke for your tongue and a coronary for your frontal lobe. It's a hill in New Zealand, that in the Maori language roughly translates to: 'The summit where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, the climber of mountains, the land-swallower who travelled about, played his nose flute to his loved one'. How a population with a mostly oral history tradition can keep track of this verbose lore leads me to believe the Maori must be operating on a higher level. I recommend you channel, emulate and star in as many Maori dreams as your brain can handle. For extra oomph, use your nose flute.
Cancer- You are a beach after a storm, deserted and wind blown, the winds that pushed the storm through still blow briskly and purposefully, but aimed at a farther place. You are littered with debris, festooned with wayward kelp and circled by pelicans searching for tidbits and morsels dredged landward by the waves. The scattered after clouds filter my sunlight into prisms, waves upon waves of your unsubtle and coyful banter crash upon the sand. Your beauty is more than I can bear, for it is all to brief. Tomorrow you are once again sun, bbq's, easy breezes, and merely the dreams and whispers of far away islands.
Leo- Gravity is the weakest of the all the 'verses' forces. We beat the crap out of gravity all the time-- hot air balloons, airplanes, the occasional trip between commercials to the kitchen to get another slice of pizza and a micro-waved chocolate brownie with some broccoli coffee prune ice cream-- Yumm with two m's, btw. Gravity is bullshit. However, the evil graviton does its work over time, pulling our skin lower and lower, our boobs, our asses, our balls, and our arm flab all destined for the floor and beyond. Not to mention the fact that we're literally taller in the morning than at the end of the day. But You are a graviton's worst nightmare, and no force in the 'verse can stop you.
Virgo- Empathy is when you've been there, and sympathy is when you haven't been there, but can only imagine how you might feel. Don't spread it around, but yours truly has Virgo rising, and I grok what you got, even if I envision a larger reality, which includes Virgo, daughter of Zeus and Themis (divine law), who was so sickened by the brutality of the wars of men, that she left earth for the stars, her scales of justice becoming nearby Libra. You are an empath, and compassion may seem a curse at times, but it's true reality is the gift of gifts. Grok your bliss and fear not your god(s).
Libra- Astrology was relevant when the sky was a more inclusive part of our daily existence. Humans didn't live inside their minds, their internets or their capitalism. Being a part of the natural world was integral to survival. Our ancestors had a visceral connection with the 'verse, while ours has been ever evolutionarily ebbing. Couch Potatoism® is rampant. No one can predict your destiny. The sky, the trees, the rocks, every single atom you're made of is forging your destiny with the help of the fourth dimension, in real time, its course potentially changing every second. Tread lightly but with passion and compassion, sympathy and empathy.
Scorpio- A single corn stalk is a synecdoche for the entire corn field. Each seed follows a 10 billion year old genetic blueprint, gravity pulling roots down, the sun commanding the plant upward like a guy with a flute and cobra in a basket, an image that seems possibly racist in retrospect, but it was a different world then and... one seed, multiple ears, each containing even more seeds, the corn's endgame being, of course, world domination. Corn is deep shit, yo. It even survives our colons. And with the global biofuel boondoggle, corn is subsidized-- it's ubiquitous now, man-- game over, corn is people. You are a corn seed, you are earth.
Sagittarius- Introducing the iQ, soon to come from Apple, if they would only answer my calls. It's an iPad® that's wired right into your brain. Imagine, you could listen to music inside your own head, just like some god may have very well intended. You can search the internet, download movies, books, weird russian circus porn from the 1940's-- whatever, the world is your perverted oyster! You'll never have to leave your head again, unless you want a soda, or to do anything regarding your physical appearance, or get a real date in the form of a person. Also coming soon, the iCatheter and the iFeedingtube. Don't fall in the trap, keep your legs. To run, either mentally or physically, is freedom in its highest form.
Capricorn- The sheep is zodiacally™ and societally ignored. The West tends to think in cattle terms, but the use of sheep predates cattle, and is a more apt metaphor for the human psyche. It's a gentle animal that provides meat and warmth and thus, life. What a magnificent and hardy beast. Dig deep and/or de-volve this: the word distaff is indirectly female, it refers to the stick around which one spins wool into a weaveable material, work which for centuries was the purview of women, hence distaff means female. Regardless of your current genitalia, you are Saint Distaff, sustainer of life, a totemic savior, and sacrificial soul all wrapped up into one fuzzy delicious bundle. To ovine is to divine.
Aquarius- Paul Newman, arguably the epitome of cool Aquarii, once said in a speech at Princeton, "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence, I think not." His remark resulted in the occasionally celebrated Newman Day, where the celebrants drink 24 beers in 24 hours. I don't know what's more impressive: a) college students casually flirting with engendering alcoholism, or b) that even an Aquarii's offhand remark can motivate people to action. With words of even minor importance, comes great responsibility. Try to make all the holidays you spawn peaceful ones.
Pisces- In 1919, the duties of the International Time Bureau (Google it, I dare you) was over taken by the International Astronomical Union. They're a group of intellectuals with phd's and high iq's that think up new ways to unite the world in and through astronomy. Big brains creating touchstones of thought and knowledge to further the evolution of our collective intellects and psyches. They're Super Nerds. They're predispositioned, nay driven to remain unbiased and live within a provable 'verse. Unbiased, uniting the world, an end to need, and an end to greed, and maybe to death itself. Peace in our time. Awake and sing. You are made of manna, you should be in that think tank, hell, you are a think tank creating pathways to divine wealth for us all.
No comments:
Post a Comment