Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True 
                  Horror-scopes
                         
disclaimer: Satire should be seen and heard and in your face and beer flavored.

this week: Whatever you're expecting, that's not it. This is also not it.

Aries- Intuit this in your cap and smoke it: IN-Tu-IT, as in you are 'In-To-It'. Allow your mind to wrap the celestial enigma in neurons and intellect and grok the crap out of it, poop it out through a fertile spiral arm, and flush it toward some irreversible end-- the black hole, the portal at our galaxy's center, your spirit evolving towards its true angelic nature. You are 'In To It', space cowboy. Maurice, my friend you are knowledge from within. You are the pompitus of love. Buy yourself some super yogurt, digest that bacteria and create your own galaxy full of unicorns and never ending waffle service.

Taurus- As we perceive it, the nature of time seems irrefutable, irreversible, and irascible. We are subject to ripples, eddies, cosmic tides, string waves® and brane collisions that we currently lack the power to predict. The 'verse seems a maelstrom with occasional bouts of peace and seemingly interminable struggle and strife. That said, it's almost fudge season and the time of year when all of us northern hemisphereans can unite in the spirit of eating and wearing warm clothes. The next galactic collision is still four billion years away, so have some fudge and enjoy the eye of the cosmic storm.

Gemini- Sports are the last acceptable refuge for our gladiator blood sport thrill seeking ids that got us through the last ice age when there was real struggle for survival. Our ancestors fought wooly mammoths with spears for crap's sake. Spears. And I suppose, intellect and collectivism, early socialists perhaps? The survival of the group and the individual depends on not stomping on anyone's head, but rather sharing and expanding upon the conscientious brain farts that squeeze out of each one of us. Shelve your need for in-your-face revenge orgies. The mammoths of the future will need slaying. Hugs not 'roids.

Cancer- The following is a true account of two brothers and a broken toilet seat from the future. Jokingly, one brother tells the other that his toilet seat is broken. No reason not to believe him, the other brother buys a new seat, comes home, wtf?, it's not broken. Meanwhile, the first brother breaks his own toilet seat, probably because he always sits his big ass down like a ton of bricks. Luckily the first brother just bought a new toilet seat-- how fortuitously coincidental. Or not coincidental? Is that the only kind of dental there is? Do we make the future happen with our mind powers, wtf? These are big questions, take your time, and sit carefully when using the throne.

Leo- The American Kennel Club is the only organization which is legally allowed to pursue eugenics. There are more breeds of dog than any other earthly animal. We make all kinds of fucked up dogs. It's creepy. Probably a good thing we draw the genetic enhancement line at canines. Our "natural" evolution is working out pretty good. We have a proportionate number of jocks, nerds, sociopaths, empaths, psychopaths, organizers, isolationists, do-nothings, poets, politicians, ditherers, warriors, lolly-gaggers, diplomats and lovers (and haters) of 16th century Italian art. Donatello, a polymath my ass!-- the guy coasted on his looks and his money. Be who you are, be what you're like. Your phenotype knows what it's doing.

Virgo- The U.S. has been supplying the world with weapons for a long time, at a tidy profit. Desperate for a silver lining, I suppose it's our attempt at unilateralism. But we've been missing a niche market-- endangered species, especially the primates with their opposable digits and problem solving abilities. Maybe fighting for their own existences with the aid of some semi automatic rifles and anti tank grenades would keep away the poachers and purveyors of bush meat, and teach those monkeys a lesson in survival. Of course to absolve ourselves of the blame for escalating the Ape vs Human WWIII of 2035, we should probably just finish chopping down the rainforests, and all the apes can come live in the mega-cities of the future, side by side with humans. Peace in our time. Arm the apes!

Libra- The word apology has ancient roots. In ancient Greece, it was a form of rhetoric, in which a believer in a certain ideology, usually religious in nature, would defend their position using logic. A vindication; I'm right and here's why. Over time, as the past became the now, apologetics evolved into admission of sin, culpability, guilt, perhaps the very creation of the superego taking its cyclical turn at bat influencing our collective unconscious. Reason to cool our raging motions, our carnal stings, and our unbitted lusts. Compassion, empathy, widespread pandemic shit giving, alms for the poor, and a cure for all ills and pain. A true panacea. A world without sin. Fuckin-A.  

Scorpio- Pluribus hubris cunnilingus is not someone who's into having oral sex on a bed of hundred dollar bills. It is, however, a cautionary tale. Money is freedom. One could argue that we're slaves, the free market system a sham, forced down our throats as the only viable means of survival. However, money gives our upward societal mobility better traction. Education is evolution. In most of human history, only the wealthy could afford to be educated. Knowledge is power. Money is freedom. Time is money. The business of America is business. You can't make a frog wear striped pajamas after Labor Day. Money is an arbitrary sword, and it's under your influence; wield it as you would your private parts at the opposing armies of darkness.

Sagittarius- The reverse evolution of 'Check yourself before you wreck yourself' is 'Shake it, but don't break it'. I verified that in an independent study when I watched Silver Streak on tv the other day for the umpteenth time. The previous incarnation of this sage advice was in the 1930's with the saying, 'Mmmyeah, see...', which in the late 1800's translated to something like, "Get out of my knickers, you bum-goggler!'. I posit that everything has happened before; the 'verse is that old and that big. Meanwhile, in your current incarnation, your next evolution is imminent. May I suggest something along the lines of, 'Snap the crack, you defunct haberdasher'. Inspire the future, and don't forget to pass along what you have learned.


Capricorn- For about 8 months in 1974, Herb Albert was the only thing that made sense in a world gone mad. Buh-buh-buh-buh-baa-baa-baa-ba, and repeat until you finish that third martini. It was also the last time anything coming out of Tijuana didn't attempt to turn your alimentary canal inside out. I surmise that it's the power of the trumpet-- a noun and a verb btw (neat!). I propose that trumpets are harbingers of peace, clarity and prodigal returns to wombish™ safety. It's a fallacy that angels use them to call souls to the final battle-- total tripe. This 'verse ain't got no final anything. An angel's trumpet is the all clear signal. Olly Olly Oxen Free. It's safe, come home. Dinner's ready, and there's beer and whiskey.

Aquarius- The intersection of water, air and earth, casually known in some circles as the "beach" is my favorite nexus and doorway to something that is much larger than myself. I can run no further once I reach the coast. Acceptance is so difficult inland, where there is no respite from matters familial, financial, or fraternal. But the beach... is to contemplate the farther world, one where our intellect is not the center, but rather a salty drop in a cosmic ocean. The world is a grand firmament and our view is divine. Ocean plus sand plus air equals a confluence of atoms and energy and thence glorious multi form matter in infinite variety. Run your ass to the beach, stop trying to fix, and observe.

Pisces- My newly invented Dread Removal Device® has been approved by all government regulatory agencies and is available for widespread use. Also, despite current projections of over population, dwindling resources and lack of oxygen, ozone, and it turns out helium (who knew...?), keep in mind that life is long and life is good. Dread is not a way of life, it's a hairstyle. Put down your boulder for five seconds, you look ridiculous carrying a big stupid rock. And if you order your DRD® online, you get a free trident. Drop your dread and you will once more rule the seas with your trident of awesomeness.