Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –Your power body of water for the week is Lake Peigneur in Louisiana. In 1980, the Diamond Crystal Salt Company made a critical error while drilling for salt beneath the lake, collapsing the lakebed and creating for a time the largest waterfall in the state—50m tall!…nearly killing a fisherman and surely a shit ton of catfish. Undiscovered beneath you is a treasure trove of something valuable. I say, poke in the wrong spot, jab where you shouldn’t and bathe deeply in whatever beauty lies untapped beneath your glittery shores. Punch through with no regrets.  

♉ Taurus -So wait, what? I Dream of Genie was about a freaking astronaut who found a genie? He’s a freaking astronaut, like the one guy who doesn’t need an all powerful genie. He’s a freaking astronaut, he can probably fend for himself---he’s been to freaking space. When does the little guy get a genie—besides in a Disney film with a blue Robin Williams? I don’t know if you’ll find a literal genie this week, but your odds of chancing upon a metaphorical wish granter are seriously in your favor. Make sure you have your wishes in order of importance and preference. And don’t wish for more wishes---even non-literal genies are onto that shite.

♊ Gemini –The difference betwixt exult and exalt is one of inches. One is literal, one figurative. Exult is to leap, as in joy, exalt is to praise, as in the joyful kind. Both are movements toward an expanded multiverse. My advice to you is to get your feet high up in the air--higher than any earthly remorse can affect you, higher than your biggest hopes could have hoped to achieve. In the coming days, you will be called upon both inwardly and out, to reach the stars through love and dreams and jumping as high as you can. Tonight, sleep well and dream of large women--tomorrow—orbital velocity and maximum perigee and possibly bliss.

♋ Cancer -Listening to the ice melt in my drink, my only think is about the what and where and why and how, and whether or not we have the time, the expanse of mind and empathy to unblock the shit clogged tubes of infirmity that we survive on, but rarely applaud or exalt. The vodka we  freeze, and dropping the remnants into our glass, does not include the viscosity of the liquid still clinging through weird temperature chemical bonds, which after warming, still yields a good swallow, if not a sip of alcohol, that would have been wasted, if not for science. As much as I advocate faith—this week, look to the science, and separate from the myth that which is unmistakably earthly, and drink deep.

♌ Leo –Your irredentist ways must come to an end. Further exploration into territories, which are in no way under your purview is an encroachment into another’s sovereignty--which if they’re cool with that, I guess go ahead and encroach, impede and squelch. But your appetite has been so fervent of late, that we’re all a bit aghast at your cash drawer discrepancies. Home is indeed where the heart is this week, so tend to the garden, as well as the rest of the inmates. The outer world can wait. For now, tend to your own and assume the rest will follow.

♍ Virgo – Up to a certain historical point, boobies---as in the titty type, not the avian, were primarily functional appendages, not hidden or to be afeared or ashamed, and then as society and belief developed, we added mystery and taboo and forbidden secrets--no lookie no touchie, ever ever ever, until married and in the utmost of privacies, and certainly not for public display—even if it’s being used for its functional purpose—to feed. Titillation is a later evolution. A boob is just a boob. This titular metaphor is yours for the week. Recognize with your mind’s eye, the fallacy and samsara we are all witness to—and what parts of it you can ignore. Tits up!

♎ Libra –I wonder…evolutionarily speaking—which comes first, the niche or the need for one? I’m not arguing for fate here, but consider: the multiversal creator—Vishnu, or I think he goes by Johnny-Two-Tone these days, wouldn’t waste energy and space—and time, very important stuff—to a thing that has no purpose. A thing exists because it has a role to play, otherwise why create it? What’s you role, I wonder…Self determined to be sure, but in a grander scheme—what of you? No need to decide, just wear a cool hat and be who you are—be like yourself, and remember: there is no spoon.

♏ Scorpio – Due to some carpal tunneling, I’ve been concentrating on being left handed this week—somewhat successfully. I just let my other side do the lifting, pulling, typing and twisting—everything. I let him lead—HIM, my shadow self, the other ME that waits for the right hand to make the right move. What knowledge and ability may lie in your other handedness may be a rich untapped vein. This week, focus your mind on the other side, the one that rarely gets the chance to shine, to lead and decide. It may open your mind to another weirdly different ‘verse.

♐ Sagittarius –The Giant Space Rat Invasion of 2032 is still a few years off, so let’s talk earthly vermin for a mere moment. Btw this Dr. Pants was born on the first day of the Year of the Rat in 1972. Happy New Year and Birthday to Me! Anyhoo…Chinese-ly speaking, you could be any one of 12 different animals. It’s vital you find your hidden animal guardian angel and exalt him to the utmost of your possibly rat abilities. Sag’s may be associated with horses, but there’s a bunch of weirdos in the zoo, so find yours, maybe get a tattoo and connect with whatever you are…be it rat, ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, sheep, monkey, rooster, dog or pig.

♑ Capricorn -Looking to the past for truth and understanding is cool, but say rather you follow the logical evolution forward, rather than repeat the past...which does have an annoying habit of biting us in the arse. To repeat, the past does not by nature require repeating---unless you like it. In which case go ahead, do it again and again and again. But if, you want something different...you have to be something different. Be the change. Be the catalyst. The future awaits new instructions. And as usual, you’re full of ideas and other shite. Go now. Design, until your lips bleed promise.

Aquarius ♒ -The list of famous Aquarian singers is weird: Axl Rose, Bob Marley, Justin Timberlake, Mike Patton, Phil Collins and etc—mostly men, oddly. Seems to me that singing is a rare Aquarian desire or gift. It involves too much expression and soul and connection to a body that resonates with the vibrations of higher strings and multiversal harmonies, seemingly apart from the deep seated expediencies of the mind--ours racing at supersonic speeds pretty much 24/7. Or maybe, all we Aquarii should start a choir and create harmonies for the future, which no one has yet to hear. Just sayin---maybe you should warm up the pipes. Sing out loud, sing out free.

♓ Pisces –We’re all looking for those moments--where time slows down and a more resonant quality pervades the senses, as if something deeper might actually be possible, even prevalent within us, extending to all living energy in the multiverse, one breath omnipotent through and out. These moments usually occur unexpectedly, sans notice, forewarning or heads up. And their depth usually dissipates as quickly, forwarding us in time to present speed, where little moments escape like farts in the wind. This week, catch the farts--lest they disappear from your larger brain grasp area.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –Your power muscle of the week is the pupillary sphincter! Yes---there are other sphincters. The human body has over 50 different kinds—not just the big guy downstairs! The pupillary kind help shrink the iris in bright light. Hella important. Before that muscle was invented, bright lights were dangerously painful, and now they’re just annoying. The eye sphincter changes our whole life from blinding and imperiling to nearly pleasant and not scream inducing. Use this tiny but powerful muscle as a metaphor and things will be clear as day. You can control the x-y-z axis.

♉ Taurus – There are two types of Trekkies of note—the old school and the new. The latter believes that the new Trek is the best Trek. That Chris Pine and former NBC Hero Spock are so sexually charged! The former is one who appreciates the Shatner, who abides the blasphemes of a newer Trek, one who has actually seen all the original episodes and who believes in a Roddenberry future, where everyone is equal and everyone is educated and given the best future possible through science, the ultimate sci-fi hippie genius—Gene mother fucking Roddenberry. The latter can go suck eggs. The former should inherit the earth, for we are the dreamers and we are the dreamers of dreams, forever and ever…engage. Be the Shatner.

♊ Gemini –If possession is nine tenths of the law, and two trains, one leaving Chicago at 11:30am CST, and the other leaving Jarvis Island at like one-ish on Thur, local time--whatever that is, and two strangers meet interdimensionally halfway to the bar car from opposite sides of the caboose, how do these two people, who are intrinsically soulmates, being literally part owner of the other’s heart and soul, how will these two people ever meet--on different trains, from different land masses, dancing on different strings? How? You must find the ONE. The time is now. Focus. 

♋ Cancer –This week, might makes right, so walk however you want, but carry a formidable cudgel and hey-don’t tread on me, all the whilst bearing in mind the insane delusion that we are forever under, constantly being swayed from subatomic string to multiverse engulping brane---that you---YOU are the Panama Canal, a trip to the moon within this decade, and mos def the whole damn enchilada. And I know there aren’t many Cancer atheists, so I’ll be brief and posit this: your nut sac is a mixed bag. You may have the divine right of kings, but keep your feet to the ground and aim your heart toward the path of the beam.

♌ Leo -Your recent period of glaciation and orbital decay is about to come to a splendiferous and cum splatteringly blah blah blah---ahh frak it, I can’t fool you with such hokum. Another bullshit horrorscope about shit that’s made up by some doof. I’m a pragmatist and join no clubs ever, especially those who believe in shit about the sky influencing or mirroring my fate. Fuck fate. My environment is a product of me right? Fuckin-A right. And I don’t take shit from nobody. I don’t need to tell you this, but: keep up the macho--it’s what’s for dinner.

♍ Virgo –Your proverbial junk drawer is overflowing with irrelevant crap, and regardless of your penchant for oleos and sundry itemizing, not to mention how each ridiculous item in your junk pile has a cool story about why it’s there---nevertheless and howsomeever, it’s time to separate the junk from the drawer and consequently, your cluttered mind, which has been hoarding sans reason for some time now. The junk must move on. The Dr. Pants doesn’t normally advise getting rid of chaos, but if you want room for more, it’s out with the old and in with the new…junk. Go to town. And maybe get a haircut, you’re looking a little shaggy.

♎ Libra – Your power mammal of the week is the Giant Pangolin! It’s like a combination of an armadillo, anteater and a sloth. And just like the Ecuadorian Tube Lipped Nectar Bat, they have tongues that porn stars can only dream of, that can extend up to 40cm! They curl up into a ball if they're threatened, and they have well developed problem solving skills, primarily devoted to finding food. Ants and termites--- Yum! All that hiding, armor plating and insect sucking is great, if a tad aloof. The Great Pangolin Jamboree is coming up, so I suggest you start practicing your social skills. Even an armor plated trenggiling needs to party once in awhile. Have a beer, and try the brown ants-- they're suuuuper juicy.

♏ Scorpio –The anther, my friend, is blowing in the wind. So here it is: 85% of the time it works all the time. However, due to alleged big pharma malfeasance, 24% of the time you will be 85% closer to a nervous breakdown than you were 28% ago, so try to stay to this side of the 48% of the time that over 63% of people say they experience nausea or dizziness, and the 15% of people that experience dizzy gillespianism™. I predict that you will be 100% successful at least 45% of the time, and that is 78% true. You can take 93% of that to the proverbial bank! Good luck, and bring a change of pants, the future is full of weird math and sword fighting.

♐ Sagittarius -I'm like Jessie James I don't play games
/I might stumble and mumble but I don't drop names
/Cool like a six pack two speed with a kick back
/Smooth as a felt hat, wild as a wombat
/Toppin' the roster like Roger Decoster
/Bring your girl to my party you can bet that you lost her
/'Cause I'll rap a fast style and I make it stick
’/And all the girls can tell you my tongue is quick
/I rev it to the red line to get to the good time
/The pedal's to the metal, won't slow for the stop sign 
/Can't fake it won't take it push it over the top/
Two kinds of people and I know them well
/Those who go with the flow and those who think for themselves/
So bust it make a move now you're on the attack
/I like to see you shake it when you shake it like that.---- Mmhh, yeaahh…this week, recapture your soul.

♑ Capricorn – "What an astounding thing is the voice! By what miracle is the hot magma of the earth transformed into that which we call speech? If out of clay such an abstract medium as words can be shaped what is to hinder us from leaving our bodies at will and taking up our abode on other planets or between the planets? What is to prevent us from rearranging all life, atomic, molecular, corporeal, stellar, diving? Who or what is powerful enough to eradicate this miraculous leaven which we bear within us like a seed and which, after we have embraced in our mind all the universe, is nothing more than a seed — since to say universe is as easy as to say seed, and we have yet to say greater things, things beyond saying, things limitless and inconceivable, things which no trick of language can encompass." ---Henry Miller 1941. I couldn’t have said it better, now get off the pot.

Aquarius ♒ -My feeling is you need to learn to think along different lines and therefore I prose a dare: for the next week, be left handed, or right if you already are---go the other way; maybe not in everything, but make a concerted effort in at least one area of your daily routine to be the opposite handed. It may feel weird, awkward, possibly even titillating, but I guarantee you will see the world from an opposite perspective. Everything is programming…and programming can be altered. Change the prospectus of your internal diagnostics from the inside to see change from without.

♓ Pisces – There’s an infinite amount of things we could be doing, not to mention the things we should be doing, or think we should be doing, or would be advisable if we did start doing…time is running out…I guess. I mean--we are in a limited biosphere here, what with these bodies destined to rot and all. Fuck all those things. What’s important is what you’re doing. Right? So get on with it. No regrets, no bullshit, no more excuses. Go now. Be what you’re like, be like yourself. Stop whistling in the dark.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries All white cats with blue eyes are not always deaf. But a goodly percentage of them are. All white cats with two different colored eyes, tend to be deaf in the ear next to the blue eye. Creepy, yes, but also food for thought. Posit: not all all-white cats with different colored eyes are also deaf in at least one ear. But an impressive percentage of them are. What have we learned here? That science is akin to poo poo? Possibly. That cats are egomaniacs? Yes, obviously. More blatantly put, genes do stuff, pretty much autonomously, and fuck your consent at the mercy of the governors who run this rum joint. You… are that weird eyed cat. Meow time, bitch.

♉ Taurus Intercourse, Virginville, and Blue Ball are all located in the sex obsessed state of Pennsylvania. However, I prefer to summer in Spread Eagle, Wisconsin-- your choice of fetish comes with an aged cheddar and a beer! Threeway, Virginia is also nice, if a bit exhausting. My biggest dilemma is deciding which Climax to visit... I usually end up there eventually. There's 4 Climaxes-- Georgia, Michigan, New York, and North Carolina. I wonder if in another 'verse somewhere, there's an Anticlimax? I assume it would be in Utah. So let’s meet me in Wisconsin and we'll have a go of it. Let's burn our pants and live in the wild. Be free!

♊ Gemini Even though you are the youngest earth sign, your agent the Bull is old school, circa 4300 BCE, so NOT common, right! Bull worshipping cults were deemed awesome all the way from Egypt to Assyria. The ankh, also known as the symbol of life came also into existence about that time, the ankh actually representing a bull's vertebrae. It took Charlton Heston breaking up your all night golden bull calf saturnalias to bring an end to the Age of Taurus. Luckily, the 'verse is circular-ish and one day far off, your descendants will be worshipping you all over again. Mmmmmmm-- bloodletting and zoolatry...enjoy the feast---you’ve earned it!

♋ Cancer Your acts of barbarism and carpetbagging of late have aroused the prurient interests of the local thought police, and I'm pretty sure that someone has been tailing you in an over the top red Ferrari that sticks out like a sore thumb in a wet finger contest. I'm not saying it's Magnum, but it might be, and his mustache can hella beat up your mustache. So, as your attorney, I say flee. Enjoy Venezuela and have some tajadas and miche. Maybe work on inventing a new sexy dance involving a lot of hips. Salud y tenga un buen viaje!

♌ Leo You can crack an egg, a joke, a case, a nut, a door, or a smile. You can also crack pepper. Corn is also in the realm of crack filled adventurism™, and you don't even have to give a flying fudge while you're doing it. You can crack up laughing, crack up crazy, fall through the cracks, crack under pressure, heck-- you can crack open a beer, in fact, crack two beers cause I just got here, and I like beer. But, you... You are uncrackable. You're impervious, you're granite, you're freakin' Gibraltar. You are made of super hard nuts. Stop using them to crack lame idioms, and build yourself a better oak tree.

♍ Virgo Beware the paralysis incurred by the over analysis. Or as the french say, 'if you over think think, your dink dink won't go bink bink and women will laugh and snigger.' Irregardless™, and in the style of DesCartes or even Richelieu, one must eat of human to be human, or as Napoleon claimed from Elba, "Je suis une general du je ne sais quoi." These roses are for you, Virgo, please smell them and render your opinion via text, then press the any key, and remove your pants forthwith and so forth, for the time has come and we need your leadership. Prepare for exquisite torture.

♎ Libra Animals sniff each others' butts to make sure that they're cool, and only after one's ass is determined to be friendly, can the foreplay of slobbering and ball chasing commence. All very predictable. I say, seduce your quarry by leading him/her/them to some dark boudoir where where the only thing you two/three/etc leave standing is the sweet smell of sex and sounds of passionate stroking. And do it when they least suspect it. Your unpredictability makes you lip smacking good. It also makes people willing to pay any price for what you got in your pants. Invest in your own deep pockets.

♏ Scorpio  The outlook for your occasionally humble ascendancy is exceedingly full of ordered mischief that is both profoundly profane and full of piquant misanthropy, rendering your company amusingly annoying and irradiatingly balmy. I strive to be somewhat reticent on the specificity of your sometimes querulous qualities for I know thee to be a impious knave and a slipper feet-wise, particularly regarding the devilish details, which you obsessively plow through and under. My advice---buy some new shoes, you've been walking funny, and your gait is off.

♐ Sagittarius The mind is a cantankerous and unwieldy place, that to organizize™ properly requires luck and the time to do it. Alack, what exquisite torture is the entropic life, forever upending itself both catty and kitty wampus. Organizizing™ is at best a temporary means to maintaining psychic survival. We smart apes. We remember stuff. Ay, the proverbial rub-a-dub. Two words for yous: Bath salts and soapy bubbles-- lots of 'em. Go soak your head and replenish your neurons in luxurious luxuriant luxury, and then repeat. Then fill your brain hole with love in its most gaseous form; at that speed the electrons of love move the fastest, spinning love at its highest vibration. Love remembers all, but as we apes forget to do, love always remembers with compassionate forgiveness.

♑ Capricorn  The tradition of shaving and ducking, where new sailors' are shaved and then dunked into the ocean as they cross the Tropic of Cancer, wasn't always so pleasantly frat-like. If we de-volve the practice to an earlier century, it was called keelhauling, a punishment which entailed being dragged by a rope beneath the keel of a ship, where you could either be scraped all to hell by barnacles and nearly drown, or if you were lucky, just drown. The 1500's were rough at sea, hella pirates. Luckily, you are now a mere few days away from a good friendly dunking. The waters here are empowering and will make you smell like fresh baked cinnamon raisin bread. It is a delicious delirious delirium to be even a dream to be you.

Aquarius ♒ You need to be free. You should be running fast and unfettered in the mountains where the baloney grows wild and asparagus speaks english, but with a weird lisp that makes not laughing at them a daunting challenge, and you don't want to insult them lest they curse your pee with devil smell for the rest of your days, cause they have the power to make that stick fer reals, trust me- have the broccoli, way less to deal with. Broccoli likes to be eaten. Can you blame them, who wants to be broccoli? Bullshit, I choose freedom! Who's with me?! As for you, take a trip somewhere will ya? Believe me—you need to get away, change the scenery, Dude.

♓ Pisces Soothsayers, prognosticators and purveyors of the future will often tell you that you are a divided soul, caught between two unhappy masters, whom unmerciful disaster follows fast and follows faster-- but thankfully you are about to enter a more constructive phase where everything will become clear and you will be rewarded for your fortitude. Such hokum and bunkum says to me that we all feel like the world is collapsing around us all the time, and that the promise of unity of mind, body and spirit will imminently assuage our souls and give us the peace of mind to go bravely into a new world. I, however, promise you nothing. I only wish to remind you of the delusional nature of this dualistic dimension. Good luck and enjoy fish while they still exist.