Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality futurism that doesn’t suck!

♈ Aries –Currently all fire signs vibe with the same good fortune: so, dig this shite and posit: Jupiter, big ass gas bag out past Mars, right, shoulda woulda coulda been a sun, contains 2.5 times the mass of all the other planets—combined, right and it changes signs once a year, due to its 12 year long orbit around the sun. Wait, there’s more: Jup gravity pulls on us all the time, but starting on the 16^th it will be pulling us towards the constellation Leo—fellow fire sign, and fire is creation, chemically it changes matter into some other kind of matter, it’s a catalyst. As we move towards a leonine mind set, make plans for your own bold actions. Nothing is out of reach.

♉ Taurus –The Dr Pants isn’t here to kiss your ass, so don’t ask me for a flowery bullshite account of your future and how your relationships will benefit from the current state of Mars, or the nigh Jupiter in Leo, nor how this asteroid or that planetary conjunction will benefit or increase your libido, make your junk more attractive, nor will he espouse the benefits of opening your heart to cosmic energy flowing from a distant constellation that’s dying in a corner of the sky—no, that’s all gutter balls & snipe hunts. The Dr Pants doesn’t have to tell the likes of your big brain that you create your own future by engendering the present with your best intentions and valiant efforts. Believe in no ‘scope. Time is ripe for self -confidence, -love and -acceptance.

♊ Gemini –The Dr Pants’s apologies in advance for the math, but check this crazy shite: Planets go retrograde, right, and Mercury came out of retro on July 1, right, as it happens, at around 23° of Gemini—around the ecliptic mind you, and furtherly when it began retrograde on June 7, it was at…yep, 23°—of Gemini—around the ecliptic mind you, and since the Dr Pants’s favorite number to obsess over is 23, not in a Jim Carrey way, but still it is a nifty numeral, point is, is that if you find yourself moving forward yet repeating something from 3 weeks ago—a Gemini déjà vu, fret not—it’s just business…simultaneously & intentionally harmless, helpful & inspiring.  

♋ Cancer -Innovators rarely receive recognition, nor $$—take the Tesla, the Nikolai, and how Edison took better advantage of early patent laws, instrumental in early north American capitalism, inventionally inspiring—actual intellectual property! And what has become of us? The largess of corporate power is perhaps too onerous to benefit society, as well the weight of dinosaurs on our collective fuel supply, regardless of the efficacy of solar and wind and tidal and geothermic and innovation which has been reined in, subsided, and depromulageted—Well, boogedy-boogedy, says the Dr Pants! Tis time for science & logic to replace mindless greed & psychotic capitalism—I’m talking to you, birthday Crab—assist us all thru the next tidal internecine. And happy birthday, you ancient crustacean you.

♌ Leo –You should be feeling stoked, amped, and about to be jacked—in a good way, and here’s some why: the massive gas ball shoulda coulda woulda been a sun in its own right, Jupiter, due to its 12 year orbit of the Sun, changes signs about once a year, and on the 16^th, it slides into the constellation Leo. Neat, right? Here’s more why: this gas bag is huge—so huge that it contains 2.5 times the mass of all the other planets combined—and it’s pulling on us all the time, right, but now it’s pulling us towards the constellation Leo, the epitome of the leonine mind. Imagine something that large and Leo friendly who wants to bringß us to Tiger Town—who knows what could happen! Buckle up and prepare to leap—you won’t need a net.

♍ Virgo –Here’s the deal: the Dr Pants only tells you because he knows you can handle deep shite: Mercury is going ‘forward’ again in the sky, altho—there’s still a lot of ground to be dug up, and you being an earthly sign, figured you’d know how to separate the worms from the dirt, so that we can go fishin’ & get drunk. So, Merc started going backwards June 7 at about 23° of Gemini, and came out of retro on July 1, at—23° of Gemini. Fun math, right? Probably means nothing right? Probably. Tho the Dr Pants suggests—not engenders nor espouses, but mos def suggests that you may feel like your playlist is on repeat—a little Gemini déjà vu. This time, the Dr suggests changing channels and plotting a new course. Time is ripe for new futures.

♎ Libra -For the following week, be prepared for an conflagration of super powers that will endow you with big post solstice pheromones and kick ass new moons, new beginnings, and a blazoning sword lightening the way towards the next incarnation your of boomstick. What? Oh yes, the shizznit: this ball of energy is imminent to your face and your prospectus, so act accordingly. This is the time of year, in the northern hemi anyhoo, that you should strut your peacock self all over the runway and into the audience, who will be too mesmerized by your radiance to utter anything but plaudits. The Dr Pants currently admires you. You reek of refulgence. Be bold & audacious.

♏ Scorpio –Good query you posited: Why is water representationalized & sensationalized as emotional, turbulent, unpredictable, and so manipulated by the movements of a nearby moon—which its nigh impending fullness will be shining in conjunction with Capricorn starlight. Cap is like Scorp’s lover from another mother figure—earth & summer and growth & pulchritude, a panacea for senses grown weary with backwards Mercury and a too oft cruel & intolerant world. Back to posit: in super old timey Babylonian days, the Cap was known as the sea goat, an earth sign that lives in a water region of our sky—and water is fundamental, scientifically & literally it’s the universal solvent, and soon you and a sea goat will make some really nice music together. Try not to overdo it, but go ahead, put your party pants on.

♐ Sagittarius –Big doins, check this shite: Jupiter, big ass gas bag out past Mars, right, shoulda woulda coulda been a sun, contains 2.5 times the mass of all the other planets—combined, right and it changes signs once a year, due to its 12 year long orbit around the sun. Wait, there’s more: Jup gravity pulls on us all the time, but starting on the 16^th it will be pulling us towards the constellation Leo—fellow fire sign, and fire is creation, chemically it changes matter into some other kind of matter, it’s a catalyst. As we move towards a leonine mind set, make plans for your own bold actions. If there is no light, you’re the only one who knows how to make it. Light something up.

♑ Capricorn -For the next little while, all of the artless subterfuge, shallow chicanery, underhanded calumnies, crookery & crockery, jiggery & pokery, legerdemain, skullduggery, shady biz, underworld double dealing and bald pated bullshite that are so often part and parcel of the cruel workaday world will abate, diminish, skip town, skedaddle, subside, and jump back to good ol’ DefCon 5 for at least the next 2 months. Technically, we’re always between earth signs, but this embrace twixt Taurus and Virgo is especially tender (for the northern hemi anyhoo), so chillax til the Sun turns towards Virgin territory, uncharted waters, proto-simian fire and Prometheus unbound & likely up to no good. For now, it’s summertime, the livin is easy.

Aquarius ♒ -the Dr Pants decrees that your muse for the week is the Sag Jimi Hendrix, the king of all airs and heirs, and at times some fire is required to transit to a higher atmo and more challenging stratospheres. Let’s get specific: hear the album Axis Bold As Love, listen to it, then hear it again, then grok it, maybe keep it on in the background so your subsonic subconscious can get its jive on/off. Translate to a higher dimension and drop the ballast you’ve been carrying, deoxygenate your excess molecules, and loft your big consciousness into higher altitudes, and gain a better perspective and prospectus. This summer will prove revelatory and laudatory—if you let it in, and let ‘IT’ out. Now is a time of action.

♓ Pisces -In the official opinion of the Dr Pants, Cancer, your fellow water sign and easy prey for the likes of a Pisces, the ol’ Crab gets an undeserved reputation about being secretive sidewinding care givers, so let’s dispel some shite: 1) the crab, as in the crustacean, right, has existed for over 500 million years, thru multiple ice ages and planet wide extinction episodes—they’ve even survived how delicious they are to us humans! Metaphorically, they’re unbreakable. And 2) Cancer might literally represent tidal water flows, but Pisces is water incarnate and worldwide. Find a Crab, kiss him/her on the mouth, and nurture their evolution. +, maybe read Scorp.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(associated with neither horror nor scopes of any ilk)

Quality futurism that doesn’t suck!

♈ Aries –Post solstice, we are now new moon in Cancer, sun in Cancer, and Mercury’s going to start moving ‘forward’ in the skies once again—and honestly for a planet named for a fleet footed god, he seems to go backwards an awful lot, yet narytheless, this northern hemi summer is poised to be reckless, wild, abandoned and intent upon leaving you wondering when you’ll divine the time to take a breathe and sort out all the season’s boons and benefits, much less get to the dirty laundry that’s been piling up. Rip roaring is a phrase that comes to mind. Yet rest assured, you’re belted in, and probably won’t be permanently affected, but this ride is neither for the timid nor the reactionary. Buck up and strap in. Game on and indeed afoot.

♉ Taurus –Many astrologers use the languid northern hemisphere temps of a Cancer sun to label Cancers as secretive, sheltered and agoraphobic, which the Dr Pants would like to decry as false, misleading, and only occasionally true. The constellation of Cancer has been part of humanity’s lingo for centuries, and furtherly, crabs have been a staple of human diet for centuries—we’ve lived off crabs, they sustain us—they’ve also existed much longer than us primates, the horseshoe crab par ex. came into existence some 500 million years ago. They’ve survived 500 million years of constant climate change, extinction episodes, and mankind’s pollutive industrial evolution. Final posit: the time of the Crab is fierce, perhaps eternal and super juicy. Run with this ancient solar wind…run free, run hearty and get some vitamin D.

♊ Gemini –Okay, posit this shite that the Dr. Pants just thunk up: The solar wind, right, a stream of photons, energy & radiation emitted by the Sun—til its inevitable super nova anyway…and this wind, this sunlight, is streaming at us with the added gravitational wisdom of the constellation Cancer, we’re soaking up ancient Cancerian light energy, along with the pull of our Sun. Firstly, think of space and distant stars, then the force that they exert on us, all pulling us towards the same distant region of spacetime. Lines of force are everywhere, Merc is nigh out of retrograde, sort of…time to catch a fast train, and let the rest of us catch up to you. Go fast, don’t look back.

♋ Cancer –Quick interstellar primer: a neutron star is what’s left after a sun goes super nova, imagine something as big as a star compressed to something ‪über dense only a few miles across—heavy shite right? And often, these neutron stars are surrounded by nebulae, leftover gases, mostly helium and hydrogen and lots of radiation, that enshroud the neutron star, making something scientifically fascinating and also pretty to look at. The Dr Pants only brings it up because at the center of the constellation Cancer, thru which our sun is currently couch surfing, at the center is the Crab Pulsar and hencely the Crab Nebulae, which was first observed by actual people a thousand years ago—as that distant sun went nova. Combine this thusly: Crab. Nebula. Nexus. Heliocentric savoir faire and muy más macho going on, you dig? Happy birthday, you ancient crustacean you. And maybe read Gemini too for good measure.

♌ Leo –Oy and frak, the Dr. Pants didn’t think we’d ever get here, June being so rubber bandy and endlessly elastic, finally, it’s July, a new moon, a fresh start with new sunlight and a mathematical change of perspective and prospectus, Mercury creeping ‘back’ into ‘forward’ again, and before this joint gets jumpin, take a minute, take a long hot bath, and contemplate where to, how fast, how much and to whose face you’re planning on bringing it to. Northern Hemi Summer is officially underway, and more than any in recent leonine memory, this summer is action jam packed. Take the weekend & find your center, for the games are afoot and the party way started.  

♍ Virgo –Your time in the waiting room is nigh done, and tho your name will not be called, grow up, quit the waiting and step foot into the office, and own it—OWN those souls who would seek to rail, kvetch and bemoan your luck—which isn’t luck—this here solar system is spring loaded, and we’re on the forefront of a four fold cross rip, a PKE surge of incredible even dangerous proportions. Coil. Spring. Summer. Energy release, nebula formation and fireworks, lots of fire working in your favor. Recent solstice, now Cancer Sun, nigh Leonine fire time, and your birthdays. Get up, ride the snake, for he/she and you are one. Ride like the wind up toward a mountainous goal.

♎ Libra –Posit: Thanks to a recent solstice, our Sun lies languidly against a backdrop of Cancerian constellular energy, and after a new moon backdropped in Cancer, a full moon in Cap is just 2 weeks away, and therefore the Dr Pants furtherly posits that: now is a time of building in the northern hemi, lots of sun, plenty of vim, vigor, vitality & moxie, with enough to spare for really close friends who need a lift after recent planetary retrogrades and solsticular® movements. You are air in a time of vast aerating movement and readjustment to our sun’s blazoning photonic tantrums & titillations. Follow your will unquestionably, for it is never wrong, but now, tis ‘specially right on, infallibly super tender and righteous.

♏ Scorpio –In the northern hemi, now tis a time of growth & strength, vigor & vim, & bold audacious attempts at exploration, for the glaciers have retreated…according to what extremes, who is to say, but frettheenot, for now tis the season to build layer ‘pon layer, so that come harvest time and thy natal days, that we may unravel what has been wrought, spun & woven, like straw into gold. If you have yet to plant, get busy & get sowing, plan now & reap later. Garden your self upwards, for the Cancer sun is warm and encouraging of growth. Grow large now—there is nothing else.

♐ Sagittarius -5 months from now, we’ll be gearing up for Sag sun time—so, check this posit the Dr Pants just decided to espouse: we passed solstice, right, and in 6 months we get another, & furtherly, the June solstice occurs precisely at the moment when our Sun moves from the constellation Gemini into Cancer, & still furtherly, at the Dec solstice, the Sun moves from Sag into Capricorn, air into water, right, and in Dec, fire into earth—both at exact moments of extreme earthly tilt. If, like the Dr Pants, you’re in the northern hemi, this next 6 months is where you’re capable of building more productively & sagaciously than the previous 6. Arrows to the ready.

♑ Capricorn –Astrological froo fraw and falderal aside, let’s talk angles and geometry and shite, & posit thusly: the constellations Cap and Cancer are opposite each other, like literally, opposite each other in space in terms of the earth’s ecliptic, they’re on opposite sides us, right, and furtherly the Sun transits into Cap and Cancer respectively at the exact moments of the solstices…the solsticii…no, that can’t be right—point is, is that the moment of transition into your birthday times is a unique moment, where we start tilting the other way. Astrologically, the Dr Pants could ruin this with some metaphor about holistic energy and flibberdy floo and yoga, but that’s all shite. Do some math, make plans, the next 6 months might be very possibly mucho productive, soulfully nutritious and divinely regenerative.

Aquarius ♒ -Ok, imagine space, right, and all the constellations of the twelve astrological signage, they move around us in the sky in the plane of the ecliptic—still follow—and we just recently hit solstice, where Earth, which tilts up and down, giving us seasons, right, we stop tilting one way and start tilting back the other way, allowing Aussies to steal our sun. The Dr Pants’s point is, is that the Sun just slipped into Cancer, we’re tilting the other way, the new moon is also in Cancer, and in 2 weeks a full Cap moon, and then the next full moon—all the while tilting southward—the next full moon is in Aquarius. Spacetime awaits your/our ingenuities & proclivities toward off angle solutions and sudden panaceas. Dream, engender and ratify.

♓ Pisces –Posit this shite: if you believe Pisces is a water sign, then so is Cancer, right, and furtherly posit that your relationship/resemblance to water might go past the metaphorical, and still furtherly, Cancer is considered the youngest of water signs, making you the oldest—more mature, let’s say, and yet furtherly, if the crab represents ancient life on earth, been surviving here super way longer than mere fish—or humans!—and furtherly posit that Pisces might actually represent not merely aquatic flora &/or fauna, but as well the larger largess of the ocean, the entire ocean of earth, all of the water, from deep yet undiscovered depths, to life breeding tide pools, to snow at the top of Everest. Point is, is that we’re in the time of Cancer sun, Cancer new moon and Merc is done pretending to be lost in the cosmic forest. As usual, make something happen, make something true.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr !

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –This week at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, the Earth will pause in timespace, and this shite will ensue: 1) the Earth will start tilting the other way, southerly, and Aussies will begin winter and we—the royal WE will begin summer, with shorter days and warm winds of change, 2) simultaneously the Sun will tidally slide into the constellation Cancer—water party!, and 3) the Earth will hold still for the briefest of moments—we’ve been tilting northward for 6 months, and now, our planet will hold its collective breath and start tilting the other way. Pendulum swing, wormholes, dogs and cats living together—mass peace rallies and orgiastic fetes—act accordingly.

♉ Taurus –If you're in the neighborhood of Stonehenge on June 21st, check out the modern day Druids that carry on what they believe to be ancient practices come solstice time... 3:51am PDT June 21st btw. Starting Fri you may feel the urge to stay up and party, or clean, or create, or dance as if no one was watching. Then on Sat, the urge to party further may take over, and a redoubling of efforts may be required. The solstice is a moment in time where the earth holds still and after a heart beat, starts tilting our mass the opposite way, pendulum swing, reversal of misfortune, who knows what beauteous portents are portended!! Wear a belt, pack a change of attitude and behold the inevitable swing.

♊ Gemini –In the middle of the night/I go walking in my sleep/From the mountains of faith/To a river so deep/I must be looking for something/ Something sacred I lost/But the river is wide/And it's too hard to cross/ And even though I know the river is wide/I walk down every evening and I stand on the shore/And try to cross to the opposite side/So I can finally find out what I've been looking for… This last week of your birthday time ends on 3:51am PDT July 21^st, when the Sun alchemically changes from Gemini air to Cancery liquidity, and doors open wide that were previously unseen. Channels and wormholes and shite you’ll find amazing and true.

♋ Cancer –Posit this action: at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, the Earth stops tilting northerly, pauses for the briefest of moments and starts tilting the other way—the entire earth holds still, for a moment in spacetime. Meanwhile and simultaneously our Sun slips from Gemini into the constellation of Cancer, air becomes water, all air signs do—transmogrifying one element into another...alchemically reminiscent of Prometheus at high atmo, stealing fire and lighting up humankind. This week, a solstice, a doorway, a wormhole even, and transform thyself into what your next crabby carapace might be. The oceans are warm, friendly & ubiquitous. Swim freely.

♌ Leo -This particular Merc retro episode which ends come July, is the N^th degree, the ultimate, the penultimate, the paragon, and paradigm shattering huzzah huzzah yadda yadda and etc that will be burgeoning forth in defiance of June gloom, and rocketeering you towards change and chance, and freedom and reorganization, and things only fools dare to dream of. This summer, which starts at 3:51am PDT June 21^st could prove life changing, so act accordingly. Come July, big energy release that lasts a month and more, from Independence to Labor Day. Solstice is here, time to gear way up and soon, time to explode into space, like a true nature’s child, born to be wild.

♍ Virgo –Posit this action: The earth’s 23°of tilt is like a pendulum swing, and at 3:51am PDT June 21st, we hit solstice. The earth will hang ten for like a second and then we'll start swinging the other way, with shorter days and warm pacific winds, while simultaneously the Sun will slip from Gemini air into Cancer water, alchemically probably the gentlest of elemental transitions. Water and air work together all the time—we make the weather for the sake of pete! Sure, an occasional hurricane, tornado, polar vortex, inspiration for terrible disaster movies, but mostly it's summertime and the livin is easy. One of the most interesting energy times of the year is here. Breathe.

♎ Libra –Your feats of mental and verbal funambulism are replete with derring-do, lightning reflexes, neurons that fire faster and higher than the average hoi polloi. The Dr Pants doesn’t recommend hiding it, for what’s the use? Shite never stays buried, right? Anyhoo, at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, we hit solstice, the earth will hang ten in spacetime for a brief moment, while simultaneously the Sun slips subtly from Gemini into the constellation of Cancer, and the water-air relationship inexorably continues apace and afoot. Your ‘scope is simple: find water, let your airy pulchritude be subsumed by a complimentary liquidinous partner. Bathe, renew and refresh.

♏ Scorpio –It's solstice time! Quick primer: the earth goes ‘round the sun, right, but as it does, it also tilts back and forth to around 23 degrees north and south of the equator, right, giving us seasons, so at 3:51am PDT June 21st we reach a tipping point, where the earth, like a pendulum, starts tilting back the other way, giving the southern hemisphere their sun back, and giving us shorter days and warm summer winds. And at this critical moment of solstice, for a tiny second, the earth sort of stands still in spacetime, while meanwhile and simultaneously, the sun slips lushly into the constellation of Cancer. Elemental change is afoot and apace, especially come July when Merc is done retrograding. Prepare your party pants.

♐ Sagittarius –OK, solstice on Sat, big deal actually, but let’s talk Merc retrograde and a tendency towards déjà vu, and dammit it, if this doesn’t smell like something that’s happened before, maybe just a similar experience, maybe we have a solstice twice a year and history inevitably repeats ourselves. Or…maybe this particular doorway, where the Earth literally hangs ten in timespace and changes direction, is a wormhole that you’ve fallen thru before. Maybe come Sat, you’ll find yourself right where you fell the first time. This time, choose different, reboot & reward thyself.   

♑ Capricorn –The constellations have been arbitrarily decided over millennia, a crab here, a goat there, but these groups of stars are just here for the moment, like of the rest of the universe—they’re all on the move. Someday our sky will look totally different as everything moves away from everything else. On 3:51am PDT June 21^st, we hit solstice, the earth hangs ten for just a second, and then our planetary mass starts tilting the other way, and simultaneously the Sun seductively slips from Gemini into Cancer—a crabby animal that’s existed for much longer than us mere humans. The Dr Pants’s point is, is that it might all mean nothing, IT may just be the start of summer foreboding nothing, neither ill nor fortuitous. And yet…it might be a doorway—a wormhole of a moment of massive planetary shifting and imminent change. Just like the shift from Sag into Cap and winter solstice…weird. Entropy and OCD may need to agree to disagree and be cool.

Aquarius ♒ -Don't let our reputation as water bearers make you feel like an ass when the Dr Pants lays it down and reminds you that we're an air sign, and lest ye forget, air moves waves of water, evaporates it and carries it high into the atmo. Air moves earth, sandstorms cover whole civilizations, turning mountains into molehills, we sculpt rock and we carve earth. And lightning is merely fire created betwixt air and water at high altitudes and cold temps—basic chemistry—WE make fire. The water we bear is knowledge that we Aquarii drop on the multitudes, to help guide us all into light. And on 3:51am PDT June 21st, we hit solstice, and the sun goes from Gemini to Cancer, we move from air to water, and a tilting point...and in a month, on to fire, and Leo and kingly duties. For now, let water move you.

♓ Pisces –“No Tessio's men, no one, Pop’s all alone.” It was this tiny line from Godfather I that leads the Dr Pants to believe, infer, imply and elucidate that forces like Merc retrograde and an impending solstice at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, where the earth will hang ten in spacetime for a quick moment, and meanwhile & simultaneously the Sun will slip seaward into the constellation Cancer—that we’re at that moment where Pacino arrives at his father’s hospital room, the guards are gone, and it was Tessio/Aprea/Vigoda that was the traitor after all, and not Clemenza. This week, big energy shift—paying attention might pay off. Unforeseen treasure is nigh.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr !

(not associated with horror nor scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –Due to some retrograde planetary action this week, you may experience the feeling of ick, a direct result of listening to someone mindlessly masticate, probably gnawing on something messy, like crab legs, or absurdly chewy ennui. Posit: the jungle from which we’re raised is a noisy one, so many species—but rather than eliminate sounds from the jungle, merely observe which ones to allow to disappear into our own background radiation. Point is, is that two planets appear backwards in the sky now, and June may get funky, especially come solstice time. So, tune in, turn on, don't drop out, but seek thou rather to separate the pure shite from the static cling and arbitrary bull crap that pervades this ‘verse. Divine and conquer.  

♉ Taurus –If thou canst quanta, then quantify thusly: how many rays of sunshine does it take to lighten your mood, or to make you believe that something is possible, that something exists beyond your imagination, something that enriches reality, and buffers us from waves upon waves of multiverses, like an atoll somewhere mid Pacific. How many of us walk with these chains around our necks, convinced of their necessity and inevitability, and that danger ‘lies’ ‘round every reef? What. A. Pisser. Currently, Mercury appears backwards and kerfuffled in the sky. Get some sun, some solstice sun, some vitamin D, and manage the deal, but don’t deal with the work—Work smarter, not harder.

♊ Gemini -The current heavenly clime is arbitrary and miasmic, and the Dr Pants recommends taking shelter, for a short time, in order to avoid your doppelgänger. He/She is about, afoot and intent upon havoc. We all have an evil replicant roving the world in search of uniting with its twin, & thereby destroying the universe, as matter and antimatter collide. Even if you're really bored, don't do this. Avoid the other you at all costs. Have some punch, meet with old friends, Mercury is in retro and all is not lost, like Redford, but narytheless, energy is in flux. T’is almost nigh solstice, surf’s up—catch some waves, or particles, and let them move you. Happy birthday.

♋ Cancer -If you haven't actually felt beauty in while, like the kind of beauty that catches you by surprise, possibly because one's availability to the innate wonderfulness of the infinite multiverse tends to bias our earthly frames towards the limited and the finite, in a world where so much seems so cheap, and the wrong things are valued. Astrologically, t’is the perfect time, to go find some, to go get some, and feel it in your heart for a while, for now is a stellar time to reverse the flow putrid energy, and allow for your innards to fill to the gills, and swell with empathy and sympathy and passion, preferably for something not boring, but intense, and worth the effort and sweat and toil. Open your eyes to possibilities, for they are ubiquitous, unavoidable and usually unforeseen.

♌ Leo -Okay, lss (long story short): Neptune—No, not the Roman god Poseidon rip off, but rather the big ass gas giant out past Saturn, that btw was discovered on paper before it was ever observed. That gas bag is far, Dude, and very large, despite his older and bigger brothers Jup and Sat. The ancients had no idea that Neptune existed, no clue. And yet astrology ascribes it meaning, as the ruler of such and such house, and blah di blah. Our interpretation of Neptune is relatively new, and the Dr Pants only brings it up because it went retrograde this week, and it is a big ball of gas, pulling on all of us, and vice versa. Lss: you’re Leo, a lion, the master of your fate, the mascot of the LA Kings—King of the jungle, baby. So, act accordingly, as usual. Roar, baby… Roar, and if need be: Roar some more.

♍ Virgo –Posit: the gas giants Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune are akin to older gods, those Zeus ousted from power and sent spinning across the sky—The Titans, creators of the world and the multiverse, but who were too primitive for the likes of a Zeusian evolution, and so they became relegated to beyond the asteroid field. Yet due to their massive gravitational wells, they affect us mathematically and directly, all the time. They're pulling on us every which way! But how we ascribe meaning to these giant gaseous oblate spheroids is arbitrary and biased! The Titans may even be friendly, world building, not destroying, smiley beams of gravity waves that enrich and support us. This week: weird stuff, full moon, Mercury and Neptune retrograde. Have a sandwich, regroup, and enjoy a random show.

♎ Libra –Now is the perfect time under a retrograde Mercury and a warm Gemininian sun...Geminian...whatever, point is, is that the Dr Pants advises you to roam, to wander, to be the peregrine nomad Kung Fu master warrior traveler teacher pescatarian shrub gathering train hopping Kerouac Lewis and/or Clark explorer discoverer and journey-man woman and/or child. Enjoy the ride, go ahead and get lost. We'll be right here when you get back. Bring us back an inexpensive curio, something with meaning and emotional weight. But mostly, breathe deep, tis high time to be airborne and free. 

♏ Scorpio –Retreat gets a bad rep/rap, and the Dr Pants is more than mildly outraged at its unfair status. Retreat is not cowardice. Retreat is also defined as: a place of refuge, seclusion, or privacy. A retreat from the waking world, if economically feasible, is exactly what the Dr Pants urges you to do. Even if, however, you're as broke as the good Dr here, get creative, maybe a long meandering bike ride from Playa to Hermosa, pack a lunch and some SPF and ignore the rest of us for awhile. Mercury is 'going backwards' and it’s a perfect time to count some photons and make some vitamin D. Retreat enriches and embiggens the soul, try some, & breathe deep the life.

♐ Sagittarius -So, fyi, Neptune, the big blue green gas giant way out past Uranus, just went retrograde. What? Did something happen? Kind of. First, some facts: Neptune wasn't even actually seen with human eyes til 1846, so why did we name it after the god of the sea, the underworld, the mysterious deep, from whose bourn no traveler returns? It puzzles the will. Time, amidst oceanic depths, is long and skewed toward the transcendent. The planets that are gas giants, are like behemoth oceans in space, made of gas that seem liquid due to sheer volume and mass. Neptune is humungoid®, and currently it appears to be going backward in the sky. Make of that what you will, and if you can muster, have a dream about flying, and living ‘mongst eagles and mating in mid air ‘midst the wind, the adrenaline and the glory. 

♑ Capricorn -During this time of Mercury and Neptune retrograde, the Dr Pants posits thusly: consider the hippocampus, the part of the brain that tends to such delicacies as memory and spatial navigation, and when it's cross sectioned, resembles a hippocampus, which in Greek means seahorse. Odd nomenclature, yes? We have two of them btw, dual hippocampii, and they took millions of years to evolve. Their symbolism is rife with portent. The Dr Pants urges you, Capricornius, the sea goat—and you can look that up, you fake mountain climber—he advises you to get to an ocean, it's high solstice time to commune and reunionize with your oceanic family tree.

Aquarius ♒ -What happens when our neuroreceptors don't get enough REM sleep? They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine. Which leads to? Impaired cognitive function, yes yes, the bane of an Aquarian mind, and sometimes, the respite, the reduction from the weltshmertz and the ennui that pervades our—shite! Nooo! We must not go gentle into that good night! Here’s the rub: Mercury = bye bye til July, and Neptune, river of dreams and Roman rip off of Greek symbolism—also retrograde—all part of the usual cycle, nothing to see here, so move along, right? Interpret as you will, these massive planetary bodies doing reverse sambas in the sky. Let our collective brain breathe, right? Also, read Capricorn, and wise up.

♓ Pisces -The average hug is a paltry 1-3 seconds long, and t’is time for the Mother Teresa within you to extend, expound upon and stump for a longer term. The Dr Pants challenges you to embrace the ones you love intimately and unabashedly for up to 6 seconds! Maybe even a full half minute, should you find the cajones! You are a vessel of transcendent and effulgent emotion, and the time of sharing is now. To quote the Bacharach, ‘what the world needs now, is love, sweet love, it's the only thing that there's just too little of’... hug the ones you love, and hug maybe a stranger or three. Your curative powers are unwaveringly and rampantly aroused, indefatigable, irrepressible, irresistible and irreversible. Hug on, brougham, hug on.