Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes
this week's disclaimer: satire is both genetic and nurtured, and like La Belle Dame --sans mercy.
this week's theme: everyone wants to rule the world, but I actually do--
Aries- Something stinks. I'm not saying it's you, but something that smells like a dead fish wrapped in yesterday's bacon is following you around. Check your pants, then buy new ones, preferably ones that are both plaid and courduroy. No one will be the wiser.
Taurus- Your degenerate proclivities that usually result in calamitous consequences will precede your downfall, unless you listen very carefully to the following antidote and follow these exact steps precisely, or else---aaaaaaaaaaggghhhhhhh....milk was a bad choice...good luck...
Gemini- One of the sweetest things you can do for someone you care about, is to bring them a nice piece of fruit. I learned that from Godfather part II. Find someone you like and bring them a nice ripe pear. Personally, I like white peaches when they're in season, but this isn't about me. It's about your desires bearing fruit.
Cancer- Your eyes must be fed. They are the stomach of the brain. I guess a cow's stomach because of the 4 chambers. Anyway...As quick as you can, find whatever it is that your eyes consider to be beautiful and meditate upon that for as many minutes as your age-- times 2. For example: 30yrs.=60min. Then eat some cabbage. Trust me.
Leo- If you're reading this, congratulations. You're another year older this time of year, and you can still read the printed word. Good show! And, those pants you're wearing really show off your butt in a way that should entice people to follow you to whatever dastardly ends you have planned.
Happy Birthday, you smoking hot piece of meat, you.
Virgo- The high pitched whirrr of a dentist's drill is exactly what you need to get your obsessive mind off your current fixation. Brain curdling oral pain always clears my mind of its inevitable decay. Breathe deep the gathering gloom and exhale it back to the multiverse with the conviction of a truly free person. You will be joyously rewarded and your recycling expertise will be unparalleled.
Libra- Whichever side, right or left, is your dominant half, put it to sleep for at least 48 hours. Then wake up the other side, and give it the keys to the erotic bakery trapped inside your torso. Let someone else in your psyche take charge for awhile. Maybe you won't keep stepping in the same pile of dog poop. You may also find what you think you lost.
Scorpio- Go find something to do. You don't have to get in peoples' way to tell them you love them. Nor, must you call the cable company, pretending to be them, subscribe to all the porn channels, and then call them and pretend to award them a free movie package that their kids will really love. Any mischief you feel like making, should be self contained.
Sagittarius- I don't know what you're selling, but I really dig your infomercial. I caught it on late night cable. I have no idea what you're really selling, but then again, I doubt you do either. Maybe you should find that out first before talking to investors. That way, you can ask for exactly what you really desire.
Capricorn- Getting older sucks. So, don't do it. Grab a six-pack, find a toy store, and get yourself a BigWheel. Then pedal off on the weirdest journey that you never imagined being possible. Then when you have a second, find a nice card and write me a thank you note for reminding you that it if you always make it about 'the race', then you'll spend all your time running.
Aquarius- Right about this time of year is about 6 months to our birthday(s). You don't have to party it up, down, sideways, frontways, crossways, backwardsways, snozzways, US Airways, or any way, if you prefer nihilism. But a party would really do you good. Define 'party' any way you like, grab your favorite party socks, and head for flavor country.
Pisces- Consider for a moment, the concept of 'guaranteed acceptance', the implication of which is that you could wish for anything,---dramatically needed life changes for example,... or maybe maybe how to turn water into chocolate... and it would be granted immediately. Fate does not preclude inner peace, only you do.
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