Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

                            Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes

disclaimer: Satire is only painful if you fear needlessly.

this week: if your pants are on fire, stop lying.

Aries-  Necessary evils are stupid. Stop indulging them. Opt instead for necessary good deeds, loving thoughts, and help some old ladies across the street. Whatever created this multiverse loves it when we help each other.

Taurus- If you were a penguin juggler, I would offer you the following (free!) advice: Repetition is the most sincere form of flatulence. It's a real truism. What I'm saying is, that you only have to keep juggling those penguins until they fall asleep. Use this time wisely and formulate your next move.

Gemini- You are a superhero. I don't know what your power is, but it's probably something to do with being able to communicate with salmon, or maybe eat chicken really fast. Maybe you poop kittens, or maybe you drive a Prius. Whatever it is--- it's time to whip it out and save the day. Or least the afternoon in time for happy hour.

Cancer- Faith, were it unshakable, would be... well actually pretty good, I guess. Ignorance is bliss? Knowledge is power?  But then again, time is money. And hey, pretty mamma, make with my bacon. The point is that, things may get weird over the next week. But sit tight. The alien invaders with the pincers and the space weapons only want to be friends, I think.

Leo- I want to tell you that everything is great, and that it only gets better from here. I want to tell you that the level of awesome, punctual, and dead sexy that you are right now, can only be eclipsed by the next moment in time where you will double it. I want to tell you that the future does not resemble, in even the slightest bit, a zombie apocalypse. So,... I will.

Virgo- They did the math. There are more people alive right now, as you're reading this, than have ever lived. Ever. I'm not sure if that says more about us, or about math, or how cruel evolution can be, when all I wanted was one more thumb, dammit!! Either way, get out of your head,
what-- you think you're Einstein?

Libra- Did you know that a theodolite is a surveying instrument, consisting of a small "mounted" telescope, used to measure various angles? See, there's all kinds of shit you didn't know. Luckily, none of that shit matters. Like that 70's sitcom with the single lady and the creepily likable mustache guy, it's one day at a time. So relax and have a mint julep.

Scorpio- Orson Welles is credited with the following, which I propose you use as your business model: "I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.". As if you have a problem indulging yourself. Don't drink all the Kool-aid and don't start the saturnalia till I get there. Sans hyperbole, this will be the greatest weekend of your entire life.

Sagittarius- Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. But I don't think it's peanut butter that's preventing you from speaking your peace. And it's not like you to hold things in. Whatever is lodged in between your brain and your mouth, stop jamming it in there and open the floodgates.

Capricorn- According to "sources" on the "internet", zemmiphobia is the fear of the great mole rat. Yep, fer reals. He may be the leader of a powerful underground race of big ugly albino rodents who have the ability to control our thoughts and an unquenchable thirst for domination of the planet, but if you stop being afraid and buy him a mojito, everything will be jake.

Aquarius- Floccinaucinihilipilification is a real deal. It means the act or habit of describing or regarding something as unimportant. Or at least it does to some overly clever jerks from Eton who created it. This week I advise you not to be a floccinaucinihilipilificationer. What you gloss over may be important.

Pisces- Sesquipedaliphobia is the fear of everything. And i assume the fear of the word sesquipedaliphobia is sesquipedaliphobiaphobia. My point is that sometimes you just can't judge a book by its cover, or a word by its connotative effect. This week, try not mixing your metaphors. Be direct and craft your word usements in a wily fashion.