Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

                            Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes
                              
disclaimer: Good satire should piss off at least two people.

this week: Underwear is for people with no self control.

Aries- You have a lot of balls. In the air, that is, being clumsily juggled. Just an idea, but what if you tried finishing one thing before you leap to the next three. A person can only handle so many balls at one time, even an adept ball handler like yourself. What is the sound of one ball juggling? I don't know, but the only way out is through.

Taurus- Statistically, you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. I'm the last person to tell you to sober up, but I will tell you to stop hanging around entomologists. Anyone who studies bugs on purpose can't be trusted.

Gemini- The strangest word that has only one and a half syllables is fjord. When you put f and j together, the fabric of the multiverse is warped and distorted in a way that can allow an open mind to see glimpses of the future. Use fjord as your mantra, and you will be sailing the seas of cheese that have been haunting your dreams.

Cancer- I have seen the future; and yours involves bourbon balls, tickets to a really cool Monster Truck Rally, and the sweet smell of success. It should be a brilliant week for you, if you can manage to stay out of your own way. Have fun at the truck rally and buy a t-shirt for me.

Leo- Stop farting around and get down to business. The world is your oyster, but you have to go out, get in the ocean and pry it out of the rocks. Any oyster that walks right up to your door is a mussel in disguise. And he's probably selling something you don't want, like mussel relaxants. This week hunt oysters or at least go to a sushi place and eat something bizarre.

Virgo- If you have an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters, one of them will eventually write Hamlet. The problem is that typewriters are so 20th century; not to mention that with that many monkeys, poop will inevitably be flung. My advice: let just one monkey use your laptop at a time; and quit trying to write Hamlet, it's been done. Find your own voice.

Libra- A stitch in time saves nine. Nine of what, I have no idea. No one knows. It's also true that many a little makes a mickle. Mickle is Scottish for a lot of something. Bear in mind however, that the sagacity of Scottish wisdom is quite suspect considering that they are the inventors of golf. My advice this week: keep an eye out for the obscure.

Scorpio- You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. So stop trying. It is also impossible to lick your own ear. If you can lick your own ear, you should be in porn. This week, use your powerful tongue and Bhudda-like breath for healing words rather than fatuous feats of weirdness. Save that for next week when it will be much more appreciated.

Sagittarius- In Alabama it is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. Ironically, the only reason I would go to church is to inspire such laughter. Go out and buy a really cool fake mustache and wear it till everyone pees their pants. Or better yet, get a tattoo of a mustache on your finger so you amuse people anywhere, anytime. Your foolishness will be rewarded with praise from on high.

Capricorn- Contrary to popular lore, Thomas Crapper did not invent the flush toilet. He did, however, invent the ballcock. If you don't what a ballcock is, it's probably time you gave yours a thorough scrubbing. At the very least, rub it three times and whisper sweet nothings to it. The ballcock is your personal genie for the whole week.

Aquarius- From the sublime to the ridiculous is only one step. But there is no authority that says you have to take that step. The sublime, though rife with illogic, is a great place to hang out. And it's the only place to meet your desitiny. Let your mind go, and your body will follow.

Pisces- You should be kissed, often and preferably by someone who knows what they're doing. Stop avoiding that perfect person and just get on with it. Being sexually obtuse went out of fashion with the Lindy Hop and the Whig party. It's time to kiss or get off the pot.