Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

                            Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes
                                
disclaimer: Satire is inseparable from liberty.

this week: trust me, take the blue pill.

Aries- Never tie a string around a frog and expect it to teach you to salsa dance. While they are the most adept multi-taskers of the amphibian class, they are fickle. Frog bondage is unnecessary and it will only piss off the frog and your dancing will suffer. Tips for a happy {inner} frog: buy it some maggots, nice ones---I recommend Maggie's Maggots™, they add great flavor to any meal at a reasonable price!... Soon, your dancing skills will be Calaveras County good.

Taurus- If your life were a martini, shake it, chump,-- shake it till it brings home the bacon. Stirring is for narcoleptics without a library card. Let the snow repopulate that little globe in your mind with a surprise storm. This week only, being politely abrupt and sexily direct will produce indirect coolness and good times. If your cocktail is still boring, try garnishing it with an onion and it, voila!--it becomes a Gibson! This week, you could learn a lot from shaking your metaphors instead of mixing them.

Gemini- One of my personal heroes, Lenny Bruce, once said, "If I can't say fuck, then how can I say fuck the government?". Righteous, right? Unfetter your psyche and brilliant ideas that have never been thought before will flow from your brain and out of your mouth like Preparation H from a tube that's been too close to the heater. Tis the season for insurrection (and hurricanes); may all yours be peaceful ones.

Cancer- Eagles make love while plummeting toward the earth, their talons locked together, their passion lasting only as long as their physics. They separate only before they are about to hit the ground. Wow, I'm exhausted just writing about that. And sweaty. I'm not sure what my point is, kind of distracted for a-- oh, wait yes, very important. NEVER---ah crap--- Always, yes ALWAYS keep the door open for the angel of serendipity; there's plenty of time to spread your wings and save yourself.

Leo- All dreams are either about sex or death. I suggest that you have a dream about a group of intrepid baby ducks dressed in little sheriff uniforms, that patrol the west on a quest to right wrongs and serve justice. There's no way that could be about sex or death. They're sooooo cute! This week, stop thinking about how complicated life is, and go the way of the duck! Best part?- Ducks never wear pants!

Virgo- Newly discovered by scientists deep in the ocean, a creature called a 'pigbutt worm' resembles most closely a floating, disembodied buttocks. Don't believe me?--Google it. It feeds on 'marine snow', organic material sinking from the photic to the aphotic zones, recycling its energy and eventual rebirth in the ocean's oxygenless depths, most closely resembling our eternal journey through the Tao. I find it ironic that such a beautiful analogy is a poop eating worm that looks like a pig's butt. Meditate on that and get back to me. And happy birthday...

Libra- Śūnyatā is a Bhuddist concept that says that 'nothing' possesses an essential and enduring identity by virtue of independent origination. In physics, even a vacuum in 'empty' space contains fields of various energy signatures. Robert Oppenheimer said, "the soul is as empty as a bucket of negatively charged radioactive particle flow, inducted through a uranium nitrate thermal coil", or something close to that anyway. What's my point? OM. The creator breathes deep, a breath that takes eons. You would benefit to do likewise.

Scorpio- To save your wretched soul this week, you may require a potent, but kind nepenthe. My buddy Aldous, recommends soma. Personally, it makes me gassy and recalcitrant, but it will fill your head with pleasant thoughts and scare away the demons. But beware-- It may also make you yearn for naked dystopic freedom. Keep track of your pants.

Sagittarius- Try the bacon flavored vodka that you've thinking about, and then eat some pancakes while hanging naked up-side down, while a Bhuddist monk pours syrup on your feet. (Always good for a weird laugh btw...) Then, turn the sound on the tv down and play Tom Waits while you watch "A Touch of Evil" with Orson Welles, where Charlton Heston plays a Mexican for some reason. I'm not sure if any of these suggestions/mandates/fiats will help you in any way, but it couldn't hurt. Go out of your way to change your unnecessary and unhealthy habits.

Capricorn- My favorite part about a sunburn is the slow peel of burnt dead skin. I really dig molting, I'm "into" it. I think reptile skin has really come a long way since the early Mesozoic, am I right? Now, I'm not saying you should purposely stake yourself out naked on an ant hill on the hottest Santa Ana day in September, but I think you should go for it,-- molt away! Peel off that dead skin and do something cool with it. Tomorrow, you'll be brand new-- again.

Aquarius- Words are a vigorous and hearty transporter of yet undiscovered concepts. They are the rivers on which mercy flows, always  reassuringly and eternally downstream. (Wow. Deep shite.) My point is that words only need so much twisting, deliberating and dicking around. They are the diplomacy of the heart, earnestly striving toward liberty and equality for all, no matter how agonizingly slow they drive in the fast lane, or how much you yearn for them to just kiss you and get it over with.

Pisces-  If you slip a laxative into your doppelganger's drink in order to stop this 'omen of evil' from lacing your next drink with a ruffie, does that make you the evil twin all along? What does that say about living by a mutually accepted code of ethics, about the efficacy of the subatomic fabric of our existence! Or our the number of snozzberries in a----wait, why do I feel kinda woozy? Oh, crap-- ruffie...I was right all along, he was the evil twi-----zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.