Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

                            Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes
                                     
disclaimer: satire is universally beneficial, save for the fragile of ego.
this week: a monster's advice invariably involves smashing.

Aries- So there's this company named Infinity that produces plastic silverware, and on the side of their box of plastic spoons, it says 'Infinity Spoons', a concept I find so befuddling on so many different levels that I become aflummox™ with trepidatious confusion. Putting aside for now the concept of a never ending supply of spoons, (of which I assume the Tick would most whole heartedly approve), their website, 'infintyspply.com-- the only thing missing is u'... takes me further down a road replete with illogical infinities and valid spoonerisms. Set the table and they will come.

Taurus- Your large intestine is the OG in terms of brainage. It has more nerve endings than anywhere else in the body. Gut feelings, intuition, and empathy all originate deep in the bowels of an ancient psyche, one that is masterful in grokking the world, having done it since we were just muck crawling and creeping our way through primordial slime, evolving over millions of years as pure eating machines, becoming brilliant at taking in local energy and changing it into new paradigms, according to our wills, our guts, and our instinct, the roots of which may very well trace back to the intentions of god itself. Ponder that shit. I had a bunch of tacos earlier and my gut needs a nap.

Gemini- The other day someone told me that the blue whale has the largest penis, at like 14 feet-- Uff da. As I pondered this, along with a waking nightmare about giant underwater penises, wreaking havoc on the eastern seaboard of my psyche, I Wiki'd™ 'biggest penis' and it turns out that scientists can only assume that to be true because catching a whale with his ding ding out is no easy task. Speaking of, you're zipped up, right? Nothing flapping in the breeze, either literally or mentally for no reason? Do a double check, make some phone calls and and bake me some cookies with opium in them.

Cancer- "What an astounding thing is the voice! By what miracle is the hot magma of the earth transformed into that which we call speech? If out of clay such an abstract medium as words can be shaped what is to hinder us from leaving our bodies at will and taking up our abode on other planets or between the planets? What is to prevent us from rearranging all life, atomic, molecular, corporeal, stellar, diving? Who or what is powerful enough to eradicate this miraculous leaven which we bear within us like a seed and which, after we have embraced in our mind all the universe, is nothing more than a seed — since to say universe is as easy as to say seed, and we have yet to say greater things, things beyond saying, things limitless and inconceivable, things which no trick of language can encompass." ---Henry Miller 1941. In no way could I have said it better, now get off the pot.

Leo- Great Scott!! I don't who the original great Scott was or what
possible reputation could keep an expression like that on our tongues for going on centuries now, but he must have been pretty neat, or least pretty "great". Whoever your influences are, you should give their spirits an air time plug by invoking their name after a heartfelt 'Great', or maybe 'Super'. They will totally forgive you for stealing from them--- sorry, paying homage to their greatness. Personally, I like to say, 'Great Protuberance!' Avouch your own protuberances grandly and with gusto for free entrance to any southern california fun park or indian casino.

Virgo- Familiarity breeds contempt. Fish and visitors both smell after three days. A bee in your bonnet is worth four incontinent manatees, (although that's a bit redundant!). I don't mean to be a species-ist, but manatees are super gassy, right? They poop a lot is what I heard. Not that there's anything wrong with that; personally I think flatulence is akin to the sound of angels whispering to me the secrets of eternal life. Keep your ears open and if you smell something, it could be the opening bell of your spiritual path beckoning you toward paths unconsidered. Remain unclenched.

Libra- 'I just hit myself in the nuts with this frying pan' is a phrase I hope you never find a need to utter. Also, as odious, 'There's panda in this soup?!!'. But like all things inevitable, or as the French say, sur la evitable, you will most likely utter such absurdity at least once in your life. Embrace the odd, malformed, and the less fortunate. They are truly god's children. There's no way to prepare yourself, but the day will come when the only appropriate phrase will be: 'How did I get a whole avocado up there and how will I get it out?!?'

Scorpio- C, G, T and A. That's all there is. Every DNA strand is a combination of a mere four chemicals. Mathematically, there cannot exist infinite variation at this stage in our evolution, Dave. However, the will of god is infinitely complex, I guess,.. unless it's not. Anyway, maybe it's just our current level of god grok that is finitely complex. Thank god we settled that. I suggest you have a massive portobello prepared by a Celtic shaman circa 1100, and then tell me what you 'think' about 'stuff'. Variations on a theme, my friend, cousins that look just like us, but are really our evil doppelgangers, sent here to jump the shark and tell our secrets of eternal life to the world.

Sagittarius- "The trouble with Buddhism ?-- in order to free oneself of all desire, one has to desire to do so", or so said Henry Miller. The Three Fold Path branches out slyly into more and more complex matrices, composting the number three into uncountable branches of a sacred tree, like armies of water endlessly recycling itself from gas to liquid to solid. But to the point: as Byron said via Tennessee Williams, "One must make voyages, attempt them. There is nothing else". But I doubt I have to remind you of any such rot or falderal.

Capricorn- Weltschmerz is a word only the germans could have invented. It means sentimental pessimism, due to the inevitability and ever pervasive sorrow in life-- Uff da, as my danish grandmother would say. Mein shadenfreude ist giving me eine kopfschmerz, and I should probably lie down with some sauerbraten mit hubschrauber sauce, so as to clear meine head cabbage, ja. The germans should stick to making beer. You should open up your own brewery, or distillery I think. I bet your homemade schnapps would be some wacky, possibly hospitalizing stuff. Don't sweat the small stuff and get "hopping".

Aquarius- If you get off 'scot free', I'm really happy for you, but the fact remains that the origin of the phrase has nothing to do with Scotsmen being slippery weasels. A scot in Olde English, (so old it's spelled with a weird Æ and an umlaut the size of a giant whale penis), was a tax that the king collected as far back as the 1300's, whenever he had pet projects in need of funding, usually a war with the french, but honestly, who hasn't gone to war with the french? They're a maddening people. Anyway, if somehow you could weasel out of this tax, like a weasely Scot for example, then you got off scot free. Free your mind and your body will follow to where no weasely Scotsman may follow.

Pisces- How big is the gravity well produced by the human body? How should we measure it? Surely, it is negligible compared to that of the earth, or the sun, or a supernova turned black hole, or yay god the sum total of the 'verses squeezed into a ball, and rolled toward some 'overwhelming question', to say Lazarus is still dead, he's always been dead, and the future is ubiquitous and hoary. Yet fear not, fate is snarkily™ fickle, it's weaves adjustable and undecided. Thou wilt find answerable sequestration to the bullshit that plagues you.