Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

         Dr. Pants McTurd's Eerily True Horrorscopes
                                
                            disclaimer: Satire is only scary, if you don't get the joke.

                                   this week: Happy Hallowe'en. Have some blood.

Aries- Soothsayers, prognosticators and purveyors of the future will often tell you that you are a divided soul, caught between two unhappy masters, under whom unmerciful disaster follows fast and follows faster-- but thankfully you are about to enter a more constructive phase where everything will become clear and you will be rewarded for your fortitude. Such hokum and bunkum says to me that we all feel like the world is collapsing around us all the time, and that the promise of unity of mind, body and spirit will imminently assuage our souls and give us the peace of mind to go bravely into the new world. I, however, promise you nothing. I only wish to remind you of the delusional nature of this dualistic dimension. Good luck and enjoy fish while they still exist.

Taurus- Aspen trees are a clonal colony, that is to say they are genetically identical and reproduce vegetatively rather than sexually-- bummer for them, right? So, a group of these trees is actually one individual life form pushing its way through the environment, mostly underground through the roots, like subterranean communism. Their goal? Probably world domination and the enslavement of the human race that would serve a planet full of aspen trees, even though they only grow at certain altitudes, that would make world domination pretty much impossible from a genetic standpoint. But fuck 'em, Dulcinea, dream the implausible dream. You will be rewarded with manna, not from heaven, but like east Jersey. Hella manna out there.

Gemini- So, dig this: so far, there's a guy buried on the moon. Well, his ashes anyway- shipping a body up there ain't cheap. And get this, there's only one guy whose ashes are going beyond the solar system aboard New Horizons, bound for Pluto in 2015. Heck, there's a bunch of folks in high orbit above us right now. For this year's holiday commemorating the awesomeness of ancestor worship, take a moment to acknowledge and thank the dead all around us, for their unbending service in circling our planet and patrolling our solar system, protecting us from the brain raping space aliens, known as the Ch'u'umbar from Galaxy X-J17. They're the real deal.

Cancer- You need to be free. You should be running fast and unfettered in the mountains where the baloney grows wild and asparagus can speak english, but with a weird lisp that makes not laughing at them a daunting challenge, and you don't want to insult them lest they curse your pee with devil smell for the rest of your days, cause they have the power to make that stick fer reals, trust me- have the broccoli, way less to deal with. Broccoli likes to be eaten. Can you blame them, who wants to be broccoli 24-7? Bullshit, I choose freedom! Who's with me?!

Leo- If you repeat the word aardvark 6000 times, after one hour the language center of your brain will transmogrify, making you fluent in dutch for about a minute and a half. The freaky-deaky dutch love aardvarks. Aardvark sandwiches, aardvark stew, aardvark paella, etc. ad aard nauseam. I'm fascinated by any word with two weird vowels in a row. The words vacuum and continuum make my naughty parts tingle. Taxiing and skiing make my pants fall down. And then there's muumuu-- a whole other dimension. My sincere genuflection is deep, its transcendent effulgence makes me cream in my spiritual pants. Double down this H-we'en, and make your birthday suit your costume.

Virgo- The outlook for your occasionally humble ascendancy is exceedingly full of ordered mischief that is both profoundly profane and full of piquant misanthropy, rendering your company amusingly annoying and irradiatingly balmy. I strive to be somewhat reticent on the specificity of your sometimes querulous qualities for I know thee to be a impious knave and a slipper feet-wise, particularly regarding the devilish details, which you obsessively plyeth™ through. My advice is to buy some new shoes, you've been walking funny.

Libra- The mind is a cantankerous and unwieldy place, that to organizize™ properly requires luck and the time to do it. Alack, what exquisite torture is the entropic life, forever upending itself both catty and kitty wampus. Organizizing™ is at best a temporary means to maintaining psychic survival. We smart apes. We remember stuff. Ay, the proverbial rub-a-dub. Two words for yous: Bath salts and soapy bubbles-- lots of 'em. Go soak your head and replenish your neurons in luxurious luxuriant luxury, and then repeat. Then fill your brain hole with love in its most gaseous form; at that speed the electrons of love move the fastest, spinning love at its highest vibration. Love remembers all, but as we apes forget to do, love always remembers with compassionate forgiveness.

Scorpio- One of the origins of trick-or-treating began in the middle ages, when on Hallowmass, or All-Saints-Day, children would be given 'soul cakes' in exchange for prayers for the dead. Soul cakes---raisins and herring....Mmmmm... Anyway, ancestor worship is so Sumeria circa blah blah BCE, dude, Before the Common era, yo! The future merits your praise. Consider your offspring and their offspring and so on down the ol' ma and pa-trilineal line. While understanding the past is vital to not repeating it, seek thou to worship what is to come. Pay the homage forward, and bake me some soul cakes with chocolate chips and don't be stingy with the herring.

Sagittarius- Pi, or π, but not pie unless it gooseberry, and even then odds are it's a cobbler, very subtle difference to be sure, but one of some importance considering the ongoing mortgage crisis and the falling price of used underwear... is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter. Any circle. Any f***ing circle... anywhere. Pi times the square of the radius is the area of any f***ing circle too. F***ingA, paisan. The constancy of standing on level ground while sailing the high seas is an ever widening river that you think you need to cross. What if, and I'm just saying hypof***ingthetically what the f*** if that river is actually a circle, like a water snake eating its own tail, and the end is never nigh, but rather never ending.

Capricorn- The tradition of shaving and ducking, where new sailors' are shaved and then dunked into the ocean as they cross the Tropic of Cancer, wasn't always so pleasantly frat-like. If we de-volve the practice to an earlier century, it was called keelhauling, a punishment which entailed being dragged by a rope beneath the keel of a ship, where you could either be scraped all to hell by barnacles and nearly drown, or if you were lucky, just drown. The 1500's were rough at sea, hella pirates. Luckily, you are now a mere few days away from a good friendly dunking. The waters here are empowering and will make you smell like fresh baked cinnamon raisin bread. It is a delicious delirious delirium to be even a dream of you.

Aquarius- Beware the paralysis caused by the over analysis. Or as the french say, 'if you over think think, your dink dink won't go bink bink and all the women will laugh and snigger.' Irregardless™ of the inescapable french refusal to use non racial stereotypes when referring to male genitalia, no surprise there..., and in the style of DesCartes or even Richelieu, one must eat of human to be human, or as Napoleon claimed from Elba, "Je suis une general je ne sais quoi." These roses are for you, Aquarius, please smell them and render your opinion via text to π77345, then press the any key, and remove your pants forthwith, the time has come and we need your leadership.

Pisces- In the movie Bridesmaids, the cop love interest with the weird accent that never really got explained, turns out he was right, and you freaked out when somebody (over)-liked you, and now we're stuck. Which is not dis-ironically apropos. This Virgo girl I know from years past, who maybe, yeah I should have married, but it's too late now, water, bridge, etc-- such a kerfuffle. Henceforth, I cease and desist all hostilities, irregardless™ of causation (yours) and will henceforth welcome you with open arms, but a wary eye.








                               addendum of the damned

    Should thou feel'st cheated, thy horrorscope ne'er actually horrific, nor blood curdling, nay not e'e'n slightly boo-tastic, yea console thy soul with this super scary thought:  someday, our sun will explode! Boo, scary. Witches!, ----aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh, ... glurgle™, glurgle™, blood clogging my throat like a dirty pipe with poop and hair in it... aortic and colonic shutdown imminent....gooey fluids....so much gooey fluids...
strangely, i smell copper and angel feet....last breath coming soon
...agghhhhh....hssssssss.... Isadore, my one true love, I will be with you soon......

    I am expired. Beware my haunting. Probably sometime in late february. Leap year approaching... iCalendar loading slow...will email you to schedule---

    What's that?----Bhudda?!?!?!?.....what are you doing in heaven?
    -- What do you mean I'm vegan now too!?!?
    Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....!