Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

  Dr. Pants McTurd's Eerily True Horror-scopes

                                 
                     disclaimer: satire is capable of inciting rebellious thoughts, take liberally.

                              this week: big dudes wear big shirts. I'm a medium.

Aries- When creating a proper moniker or nom de plume for yourself, it is best to find the middle ground between a name that sounds high falutin' so as to appeal to the elite who have more money than taste or humility; and the hoi polloi, the unwashed masses of the world who prefer a name that is easily accessible and usually misspelled like most hip hop names. You could use your real name I suppose, but how pedestrian, how faux-shizzle™. Now is the perfect time to make yourself bigger than you are. Keep in mind, however that T. Love Peacock has already been taken.

Taurus- Passionate memories seem to improve as "the wine in the bottle dwindles". Don't let the world's passion for declivity bring you down. I suggest doing something dangerous, like cliff diving or rattlesnake taunting. Unless you prefer vanilla, in which case I recommend going crazy with some cookies and milk, and maybe catch some episodes of Full House. Keep in mind, however that the multiverse loves bold moves and crazy stunts, especially if you fall and break your ass. Leap and the net will appear-- theoretically.

Gemini- Probosticate™ is a word I just made up that means to predict the future with your nose. And right now, the future smells like oncoming funky. In your future, I'm getting a whiff of butterscotch and salmon. Maybe asbestos and roofing tar. The point is that right around your next corner is some truly weird shit. I can smell it. Yet be not afeared of the impending shit. The nature of this shit is more like ice cream. And not shit flavored ice cream, but like chocolate chip salmon, or armpit broccoli. Your future is a weird miasma of Mmmm...interesting. Eat it and smile.

Cancer- When I was a kid, I loved the show Riptide-- typical 80's detective show, except they lived on a boat! When translated into german, Riptide became Trio Mit Vier Fausten, or Trio with Four Fists, I assume because there was two tough guys and one nerd, and nerds don't know how to make a fist. But we nerds know how to make a fist, it's just that we're smarter than that. Violence is a human foible, not one that is extant or indicative of the entire 'verse. Nerds love science, right? And all the 'verses are evolving towards love, right? So, stop fighting and join the rest of your family in the River.

Leo- Life is a sucker punch. Always upending your shit at the most inopportune moments, those moments when you're too focused on the downfall of intelligent civilization and the inherent and inescapable effects of gamma rays on man in the moon marigolds, not to mention whatever you ate for lunch is repeating on you like a syndicated sitcom. Life is indeed a box of chocolates and some of them may be filled with salmon. But don't fear the future, bite down with gusto into that chocolate covered salmon and chase it with some avocado brandy. Go big or go home, and there's no crying baseball, especially when my Cards are gonna take this shit home!

Virgo- Whether you call it solipsism or samsara, they require some pretty big assumptions that require unattainable proof and probably miss the point of the whole multiverse. But then again I'm no dualist. Or even a duelist for that matter. I am an empiricist, one however that attempts to remain in accord with the vast sea of knowledge that is simply beyond the current grasp of this semi-evolved, slightly taller than most single celled organisms man-ape. Order is an illusion. We're moving sand around on a cosmic beach. Have a beer and a crepe and pretend for five seconds that you don't know what you're talking about.

Libra- The mustache has been kidnapped, co-opted and hornswoggled, mostly by pop culture of the 1970's, and I believe unfairly so. I once grew a 'stache so powerful that it could read peoples' minds. This other guy I know, I think his name was Magnum, he grew a mustache that could stop time. I think he solved a lot of crimes that way. Charlie Chaplin's mustache had the power to attract women in their 20's. And of course... Burt Reynolds. Irregardless of sex, you should get a mustache and show us your macho. Everything I've ever learned I've learned from Cannonball Run... If you're gonna be a bear, BE A GRIZZLY!!

Scorpio- The saint-soldier combo is a heavy sword to hone. Although Henry V and Joan of Arc came awfully close. There's too many inherent conflicts of interest. Saints aren't supposed to be riding into battle and soldiers rarely have time for introspection. Killing people is a full time business. Turns out that saintliness also permits very little personal time, way hella praying. If you can find a way to cross pollenate your saints and soldiers into one cogent personality, then you could fight evil, merge with the divine, and maybe even stop getting ripped off by TicketMaster. However, beware the philosophically slippery slope that begins with believing in the phrase:
'I pray for everything I kill and I kill everything that I pray for.'

Sagittarius- The Spouse Approval Factor means that if your partner likes it, you may buy that stereo, that car, or that cell phone. This implies that whoever you are with has better taste than you do, so defer to their authority and do what you're told-- you're lucky to get anything at all. I assume that also means that if you're single and live alone that everything you've ever bought for your home is an ugly piece of crap. If only you'd factored in the cost of a style consultant when purchasing your last couch, then maybe your dreams wouldn't be haunted by art deco curtains, argyle underwear and neon tube tops. Grow a pair, and don't listen to anybody.

Capricorn- That staticky™ sound a record makes after it has played its last track for me evokes the late 1970's. A hundred years before that, if you wanted music, your only listening option was to hear it played live, by actual people. Ten thousand years before the late 1870's, things were even more limited. When you're in the middle of an ice age, you're probably playing music and dancing just to keep your extremities from freezing. Ten million years before the Holocene Epoch, the only music was the sound of all the 'verses breathing, evolving and trying to figure out a way to create a record player. Long journey to get to Sketches of Spain played on a hi-fi, but well worth the wait. 

Aquarius- Can't usually implies won't. Conversely, yes usually means more, please and don't stop. And to make things more unclear, no does not always mean no. Sometimes it means yes please, but don't cross the line. Furthermore, you may not claim the divine right of kings to justify the hole you drilled through the wall into your neighbor's shower. You may, however, plead the fifth. Words and intentions are a quagmire of "half deserted streets that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent". Stop relying on them. Show me, don't tell me.

Pisces- While Teddy Roosevelt was campaigning in 1912, he was shot in the chest, the bullet going through a folded 50 page speech in his pocket and lodging in his torso. He then decided he was fine, and gave the 90 minute speech anyway. We get it, dude, you're a bull moose-- good for you. The bullet was more dangerous to remove so it stayed inside his chest for the rest of his life. But you're no Teddy Roosevelt. You're not even a bull moose, but consider removing all those bullets you've been lodging for probably far too long. You'll feel better and you'll stop being that annoying person that sets off airport metal detectors.