Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

     Dr. Pants McTurd's Eerily True Horror-scopes
                                 
disclaimer: in a less ironic world satire would be free, but Daddy likes to eat.

this week: all petards are not equal, but eventually we all get hoisted

Aries- Ahhhh, the benevolent sociopath. Seldom seen in nature, he/she is the most elusive of angelic vigilantes, cutting only those throats that deserve severing. Benevolent tyrants too, they're a another rare breed, someone to watch over us with a gentle gloved fist. And then there's autonomy, and all that free will nonsense, democracy and pursuit of either crappy or happy ness, and etc. Yet forsooth, bear in mind that these concepts are merely templates for your consciousness, providing a latticework for your fruitful mind. There lies truth in none of them.

Taurus- There are many ways to ruin a Barbie doll. The obvious choices being fire, or hot glue, or my personal favorite- a little homestyle C-4 made from old batteries and toothpaste. But let's think along lines skewed towards the psycho-social experiment, like back when Eddie Murphy made films for adults. Make the doll into a politician. Or a prostitute-- the fine line between those two, I'll save for a future rant. Or make her part of the janitorial staff that has to clean up after Barney concert where someone spiked the fruit punch with Jeager, and one of the guys in costume has a coronary from heat exhaustion from wearing those ridiculous suits under hot stage lights. My point is that your life is going pretty well, be thankful.

Gemini- According the "internet", the odds of dating a supermodel are 88,000 to 1. The odds of convincing your current lover to make a sex video together are more like 12 to 1. However, keep in mind that the chances of dying from ignition or melting of one's own pajamas is 30,589,556 to 1. There can be a lot of friction in there, so be sure to keep a fire extinguisher nearby when conducting your odds experiments. And to increase your chances even further, sleep naked and if you promise to never share those videos on any "internet", I will totally make a video with you.

Cancer- The Giant Pangolin is like a combination of an armadillo, anteater and a sloth. Just like the Ecuadorian Tube Lipped Nectar Bat, they have tongues that porn stars can only dream of, that can extend up to 40cm. They curl up into a ball if they're threatened, and they have well developed problem solving skills, primarily devoted to finding food. Ants and termites--- Yum! All that hiding, armor plating and insect sucking is great and all, but it's a bit aloof. The Great Pangolin Jamboree is coming up, so I suggest you start practicing your social skills. Even an armor plated trenggiling needs to party once in awhile. Have a beer, and try the brown ants-- they're suuuuper juicy.

Leo- Eggs benedict are not all traitorous by nature. Although one time I saw a group of them loitering near the nursing home where that crippled old cartel guy rang a bell and blew up the Chilean guy with Walter's homemade bomb. However, simply because of a few bad ova, it would be irresponsible to condemn all eggs. Also, however, I will not stop eating eggs benedict. I will also not stop singing death-to-Arnold chants every July 4th. May all your benedictions contain the seeds of liberation with a healthy helping of hollandaise and shots of really nice whiskey.

Virgo- If you're OCD, the phrase 'one more time' has a very special meaning. Repeating behavior is like a magic panacea that makes my brain feel like everything's okay. Even if you're not OCD, having endless 'one more times' sounds like a great idea. Just imagine-- one more first kiss, one more  chocolate souffle from this little place I know on the Ile de St. Louis in Paris, one more drive up the coast on a perfect summer day, one more beer, or one more chance meeting with a long lost love. Of course being OCD, I also have to consider the down side: one more trip to the dentist, one more visit to the proctologist, one more drive up the hellscape of the 405. Good and evil are bullshit terms. Walk the middle path, and when you see Bhudda, tell him I'll be about 10 minutes late for the donuts, a ritual that we call Donuts and Deism-- makes him laugh like a 4 year old.

Libra- 85% of the time it works all the time. However, due to alleged big pharma malfeasance, 24% of the time you will be 85% closer to a nervous breakdown than you were 28% ago, so try to stay to this side of the 48% of the time that over 63% of people say they experience nausea or dizziness, and the 15% of people that experience dizzy gillespianism™. I predict that you will be 100% successful at least 45% of the time, and that is 78% true. You can take 93% of that to the proverbial bank! Good luck, and bring a change of pants.

Scorpio- One of my favorite terrible shows when I was a kid was Riptide, about two army buddies who run a detective agency on a boat, along with the help of a misanthropic computer geek and his orange robot. It ran three seasons. They also had a big pink helicopter and yet another super fast speed boat; and they would solve crimes, get chicks and have lots of laughs and friendship along the way. So far my life hasn't turned out like I planned-- no boat, no robot, no detective agency, and I've solved zero crimes. You, on the other hand, are kicking ass all over the marina. And btw nice chopper!

Sagittarius- I propose that we stop using the word retarded in general conversation when describing something inane or fubar. Insensitive labels are for beauty magazines and insensitive jerks with too much money and too little brains. Here's a brand new substitute word I just invented-- Petarded™, as in 'A dumbass who has been hoisted by his own petard'. You are an evolved beast that should lead the rest of us hoi polloi into the promised land of equanimity, acceptance and love. Don't blow yourself up with petarded words. Their cut is the deepest because they prey on our inherent weak spots and differences.

Capricorn- Whatever reputation your ass has acquired, I bet it's deserved. And yes, I'm speaking literally. Your ass-- is known for various reasons in various circles, and I'm sure even you have your own ass oriented opinion. Women in particular too often misrepresent their ass as imperfect in some way. Will it ever be good enough, baby? Quit riding your own ass and be proud of your badonkadonk and the junk that trunk's been holding. For now, start by writing a haiku dedicated to your smokin' assets, and then maybe get a tattoo of your ass on your ass. Imperfection is proof of the divine.

Aquarius- Who in their right mind would want to become a dentist? Or a proctologist? A job is a job, I guess, but really- buttholes and gum scraping, everyday when you show up at the office? What about meter maids or garbage pick up guys, or parking garage attendants? There are many jobs we Aquarii find odious and distasteful, but they are nonetheless an integral part of our society. Where would we be without waste removal or someone to watch over my prostate? Granted, we could probably do with less parking tickets, but my point is our world is multi layered and complex, and there is dignity in every job. We are the 99%, so remember to direct your anger towards proper channels and give your garbage man a tip once in awhile.

Pisces- I just wanted to let you know that you've won. You recycled the patina of my over eager pseudo intellectualism and turned it against me. We all get it-- nobody puts baby in a corner, you're free as a bird. There's no flies on you, and we're all in your rearview. I too relish my escape routes, they are the deepest and most meaningful part of my freedom. Unfortunately, escape rarely makes me happy, usually it only compounds my loneliness. Keep your eyes on the road, lest it curve back around and history repeat.