Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

Aries-  My Grandmother was an Aries—April 2. And my memories of her are mostly from the 1970’s when the Pants was but a young pup. And these memories of her are fairly detailed and yet—-a part of that past me, the 4-7 year old me knew her…but… I don’t really know her. She existed, out of sync with my now adulterated understanding of people and places and stuff. She had a whole life, forever unknown to me, starting in Cincinnati of all places---and yet her genetic influence on me is immense, in ways I’ll never know. Deep shite. I suggest you go meditate now. Breathe deep and freely. And stop looking for it—it’ll happen when you stop looking.

Taurus- I suggest you breathe deep and freely. Ruminants like you need cud to chew, as well as a constant vigilance. Look, sorry—you were born under a sign depicted by an actual animal, not too far afield from ourselves—the main difference being the whole carnivorous schism…my point is, is that yes, there are a certain amount of dangers in society at large that one should always be concerned about, like cheetah attacks for example---probably better to be prepared , ya never know—back to the point is, is that breathe…deeply…relax….the mountain you climb is homeward bound…no need to ‘wish you were’….you are homeward bound…where your love lies waiting silently for you, with fresh cookies.

Gemini- Sure, I geek out over certain things… for example, classical bas relief sculptures of ancient greek porn---but regarding stamps---I couldn’t give even one shit. I mean sure, there’s probably some interesting factoids about them that the Pants would find quasi interesting, like that to this day, England is the only country that doesn’t put the name of the country on the stamp. All they do is put an image of the reigning monarch, and since the sun never sets on the british empire—oh wait, never mind. I don’t dislike stamps. I just don’t care. My radar will not detect stamps. All that nonsense said, push to the side the stuff that just doesn’t matter—get to the real, the nitty, the gritty, and the shite that’s on your plate. Be the now.

Cancer- There may or not be cloud gods chasing, cumulonimbusing and spreading weird green light throughout your hood. And, the tough love is that you’re going to have to be the one to come out from under it. Yeah, it’s a lobstrosity, but it’s not yours and all you have to do is walk away. The clouds and your usually sunny disposition are mutually exclusive—that is to say: 1) Hey, you, get off of my cloud. 2) You don’t need clouds, your plants have had plenty of rain. 3) If you choose, you’ll be able to see all obstacles in your way, and thus—avoid them. It’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day. Just walk outside, you’ll see…

Leo- This year, your birthday time is buffered betwixt two Aquarius full moons. You’re protected on all sides by a warped and internecine trapezius Möbius strip-- and also by justice and honesty, no matter how painful--a world without sin, a future that will unfold as your leonic mane in a stiff wind, foretelling ominous changes in the ecological landscape of the future. That’s why Lions are kings of jungles---they can see the future…And Leo is the embodiment of such concepts—ROAR, dude…ROAR. And happy birthday, you handsome bastard.

Virgo- I’ve switched officially from between to inbetwixt®. And anyone who opposes me, I will strike down with not really furious anger, but more like silly tickle fun---my wallet doesn’t say ‘bad ass mother fucker’ on it… So…inbetwixt® is now officially a word. Also, I own it. Trademark, etc. As a sidenote, I also declare the official pronunciation of Los Angeles should include a super hard G, as if we invented our own Cali accent, originating in the 1930's. Inbetwixt® implies a certain vaguery and disposition towards a non committal agenda. Inbetwixt®. My point is? My point is, is that the truth you seek lies in the internecine world inbetwixt® our eyes and our intentions.

Libra- According to the Hoyle of duos, there must be ‘at least’ 50 ways to leave your lover. A certain Simon, however, mentions only 5 of the 50, implying I guess that there are at least 45 more ways to leave your lover, which remain unmentioned. She said, “I’D LIKE TO HELP YOU IN YOUR STRUGGLE TO BE FREE—THE PROBLEM IS ALL INSIDE YOUR HEAD”. And I’d like to help YOU in your struggle to be free….as long as free doesn’t mean you isolate yourself to the point where intellectualism destroys the genetical requirement towards id and happy and food, and survival sans needlessly cruel caveats. This week’s shite be deep …count to 50, and breathe til you smell the free.   

Scorpio- The wiring in my apartment is pre-war. Crimean, I think. Point is, I share this porch light with my next door neighbor, that both apartments have a controlling switch to. And if one switch is on and the other switch also goes on, circuits get blown. Now, as in any relationship, there are terms and conditions that ideally create balance. After much cud chewing, I realized that I would rather flip my switch and leave it on, and foot the bill for it's constant shine, because it's just easier-- less headache I guess, but hey, where's the equanimity, the camaraderie, the shared-- ah screw it, I'll flip my switch. Bear in mind that the channel of least resistance does not mandate that you bear any burden. You are not the victim, but rather the vixen. You're a minx with an alley cat's stare, desperate perhaps, but ultimately, world-wise and fresh from forests of azure with a powerful hankering for the god tuna® and some sweet sweet catnip.

Sagittarius- I can smell your instinct right now. You want to burn it all down...and I totally get that. Sometimes, a good bonfire is a moral imperative. And while THE DOCTOR DOES NOT RECOMMEND ARSON, metaphorically, it is time to kindle an old idea into flame, and hence--rebirth. Phoenix from the ashes and whatnot---metaphorically---burn this. Burn this thing with a magnifying glass focusing the photons of a thousand suns. Not because it didn't happen, but because its time to catch the next train, and move on and into the next field. Find your brane, then find your feet. I suspect that occasionally, you enjoy walking through fire. Light it up.

Capricorn- Recently, I traveled futurewise and attended my own funeral. Yeah, a bit egocentric, but very revealing. Then I went to the birth of my great great grandchild, Eggbert J. McTurd—in the future the name Eggbert totally becomes cool again, fyi. He’s a surprisingly beefy bastard, considering his genetics. And it turns out that in 2111, he unites the tribes of what's left of Asia after the giant exploding cow cataclysm of 2107. Next stop, the super distant future where I return from the dead and start a band called Turd Pants!, which of course becomes all the rage for like seven minutes. I also saw your future---and it’s weirder than mine. Expect the unexpected---impossible I know—put a better way, let your mind go, and your body will follow.

Aquarius- Whilst we’re still in the internecine space between two Aquarius full moons (barely halfway btw), and I hope you’re still continuing to selfishly work on and through your innards. (read Aries for a further discussion btw). Anyhoo, betwixt® as we are, here we stand at the next precipice in our journey! And despite our brilliant minds, no one chooses when. Yes, its a continuum, but one that will most likely end for us whenever it’s time. Time! Amidst your innards is a need for release. No, not a massive BM, but rather a metaphorical one. There’s no point to storing feelings simply because there’s no reasonable outlet. You need one. Go now find reasonable--there’s three weeks left of the me-us-now time.

Pisces- Even an egalitarian hierarchy (such as ours), would do better to elect leaders based on their merit, not on their promissory notes and flashy plastic faces. Their merit is often suspect and probably puffed, as in up front monkery®. Offshore accounts hold way too much of our power, brokering monies and treasure, while innocents and those in poverty struggle on the literal battlefield, bleeding and losing limbs, all the while spurring development of new technologies to redress their ill gotten wounds. The future will do little to improve the quality of life, unless those in power wield swords, not of greed, but of empathy---not socialism, but rather teaching others to fish. You, you Pisces—you know much about fishing and angling. Get the ship ready, Captain. We need you.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                

Aries-  I don’t need to tell you that life is short. And that there are only two dimensions: the horizontal and the vertical. The quick and the dead. And yet---you are not one to fall for the inherent illogic of absolutism. So, I won’t bullshit you, until later--when maybe you’ll need some acquiescing and intermediating and maybe some tlc, which you are loathe to accept, except in such cases as you have no choice---ahhh!, freedom, that’s what’s at issue here! Okay, I got ya--you require freedom to live---or rather, you make freedom happen regardless of circumstance. Trig—very trig, and clever! As well as vain. Holy jesus farts, your balls are grande—grande como el rio—que esta en este momento—en fuego. You = en fuego. I’m not saying ‘It’s better to burn out than to fade away’, but…I am saying---la vida es corto—act accordingly.

Taurus- Your Bowery legend for the week, to the which you should aspire—perhaps not literally tho, is Steve Brodie, who in 1886 claimed to have jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and survived, collected numerous wagers, got famous, opened a saloon and starred on Broadway. Never mind the outrageous accusation that he dropped a dummy off the bridge, while he fell out a rowboat and swam to shore. Never mind that he was a flim flammy shyster and a hoodwink. Your upcoming exploits will also become the stuff of legend and lore. Maybe you’ll open a bar, I don’t know. Just remember, you don’t really have to jump off the bridge—cause that’s probably suicide, but you do have to let the world know how cool you are somehow. Go now. I believe you can fly.

Gemini- Personally I don’t believe anything has really changed over these human centuries except two things: the rate of increase of technology, and the sheer volume of society(ies). The rules of how things work in socio-dynamic situations are the same as they've ever been, perhaps even down to the subatomic level. Wait one more thing...time, as in perspective, or rather the loss of perspective from one generation to the next---you can only imprint memory so far...at a certain point, we lose what the previous generation had already found out, probably the hard way. Read your Marcus Aurelius: “Consider that everything is opinion, and opinion is in thy power.”  Go now. Speed your plow. Opine, re-mind, and divine.

Cancer- After a harrowing Seattle weekend--home to much crab eating and dipping in butter and such, I must remunerate the importance of your species. Crabs are a living nexus---a functional junction ‘twixt the ‘ancient’ past and the stuff of the now now time, as well as the here and where and when that we are now times. What..? I urge you to consider this differential of modalities: the ups, downs and in and outs on the x-y-and z axis that endures our ocean, refolding in constant flux. Weight—yes, that’s it---constant flux…AND ONE WILL FIND REFUGE AND SAFETY BETWIXT THE SEA AND THE SAND--TWO WORLDS, NOT ONE…possibly three. Follow thou the sun, and all shall be sunny, and at night night, you be ruled moonwise.

Leo- You have the Captain’s full permission to shut the hell up and chill the fuck out. At ease, birthday soldier. Cool your heels, split the rails, trim those tails, catch some waves and dance til your feet bleed; cause you’re coming up roses and smelling similarly. You’re the cat’s pajamas, and his fabled cat bird seat! The hour of your exaltation—and I mean that literally---your E-X-A-L-T-A-T-I-O-N is nigh. I’m not saying you’re invincible—-if you see Mothra, don’t be a hero; BUT-- your sails are full, the wind at your command and a bourbon soaked dessert at the ready. Rejoice, for you and we and I—are at hand, centrifugal forces breaking bad. Happy birthday, fucker.

Virgo- A shorter orbit, and more tectonic stress-- then a respite, an autumn, all too brief. And the solar fan returns, exerting radiation and heat and gravity on us, fueling our journey, but allowing for few stops along the way. Turn, turn, turn and a’ that. However-- could a burrito be microwaved so hot that even Jesus couldn’t eat it? I don’t know either. I mean, if the subatomic basis and underpinnings are at best theoretical and mostly empty space, then wtf, bro? What are we even standing on? Luckily, I’ll take the weighty thought off this one. I’m gonna do you this ‘solid’. You, Libra, are free to go to your respective island of relaxation and irresponsibility, and have cocktails. I’ll be there around happy hour thirty.

Libra- You can’t spin an impressive yarn until you’ve lived a wild dream. Or so I’ve heard. And don’t worry about writing it down. Your next wild ride will be indelibly etched into your gray matter, like a butterfly’s wings in amber. Even years from now, you will be able to recount this tale with clarity and breadth of vision that will make it ripe for a feature film, or at least a pretty cool MOW. Man! You have no idea how cool stuff is about to get---maybe a little weird, but good weird---and orgasmically surprising, probably replete with a lot of Silly String and french ticklers. You can spin and doctor later. For now, catch the wave. And ride. Ride til you’re sated.

Scorpio- How far have psychogenic substances affected our culture? Hmmm... Huxley, Leary, Sagan, Cary Grant, accidental Hofmann, Brando, untold scores of hippies with heavy duty revelations--man! Wait, what...? Oh, yeah---the caveat: so, while this Doc Pants can't officially sanction or endorse illegal drug use if an kind, I can endorse the freaky free will of your imagination to sweeten and engender you spirit in ways you are only beginning to imagine. Your spirit still has room to bloom. And while you’ve been busy indulging your immediate senses, it’s time to buckle down and get to work on the inner and the unseen. Vacations are great---but now, welcome home. Time to travel inwards and diagonal and unexpectedly.

Sagittarius- I’d seduce you with words, but you’re far too crafty. I’d curry your favor with saffron and herbs---but, surely you’d find fault. I’d never reverse engineer you---I know whereof I speak. And maybe that’s

my-opia….I, of the Aquarii, don’t want to unnecessarily upset any apple carts. But you---I feel that you like up-setting, at least on some biochemical level. That surge---adrenaline, yes, but also…power. Yes, power. Fire. Creation. Like god’s finger in that painting by that probably bisexual guy, who rich ‘heterosexuals’ used to adore and fund. Shit, wait—as usual, fuck the bullshit: Drive deep, drive hard, and to quote Iron Maiden—‘Take no prisoners—TAKE NO SHIT!’ Business as usual for you, I presume….?

Capricorn- Posit: the difference between Godfather II, Casablanca, North By Northwest and Cannonball Run-- are only subjective in nature. They’re equal in the eyes of the movie god in our head. Which is the best? There is no possible answer. You are at this same four way stop. Coppolla, Bogie, Hitchcock, and Burt Reynolds are your options. To be sure---there is no wrong choice. But then, sometimes, you just have to roll the dice and pick a DVD to watch at random. Drop the whole order and logic and possibly bullshit system you’ve painstakingly worked out. Better yet, put down the remote and read some Marcus Aurelius: “Consider that everything is opinion, and opinion is in thy power.”

Aquarius- I often hear that Aquarius is the sign of universality--whatever that is, and selflessness and altruism, and always somehow responsible for the disenfranchised and overlooked and crap like that. And that’s great for most of the year. Howsome-ever, we have a rare thing this month: there’s a full moon in Aquarius every year around the shift into Leo, which we just had the other night, but this year, we get two. There’s another full moon in Aquarius a month from right now. Posit: between now and then, it’s OUR time. Or rather, YOUR time. YOU are the forgotten and misappropriated. You have blown away too much of your airy self, and gone too far in the spirit of magnanimity. Turn your compassion inward for just one month. I’m not saying break your back kissing your own ass---but rather, spend some time with number ONE—you’re overdue for some self directed philanthropy and TLC. You have ONE MONTH. Go now. Attend to thyself.

Pisces- Now, in the time of Leo—now is where you can stand—even midstream. Your salmon heritage is ready for a breather before making the final push, and entering bear territory. I know fire may seem antithetical to a fish swimming in a sea of weird and wily chaotic life life life every-frikken-where you frikkin’ look look, but I urge you---to resemble the pool in which you now currently wade, and breathe and survive to see another and another day—even if it is governed by a larger tide……now is calm, and now be-tide,,,…you can rest here, and feed. Up-streaming awaits.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                

Aries- We’re never going to stop science, it’s a runaway damn train. So let’s just allow doping in all sports. That way, we can keep it honest, more spiritually capitalistic and we’ll create monsters with giant arms and minute genitalia that surely won’t menace or patrol our streets. What? Wait…seriously tho, you won’t stop science. Every law, every imposition you place on free will, will get sidestepped and ran around. It’s just basically the way everything works. Evolution. Study your Darwin, Dude. And find me a rationale for spending countless amounts of money on doping scandal enforcement horse crap. This week, I dare you to stop science.  

Taurus- The movie Highlander is awesome for the following reasons: 1) the entire soundtrack is by Queen—‘nuff said. 2) Sean Connery plays a spaniard with a scottish accent = amazeballs. 3) There can be only one, Mcleod. 4) The hot female lead is a metallurgist and expert on ancient weapons—well, of course! And 5) The suspiciously flemish Christopher Lambert-- c'est magnifique! He was Tarzan too, remember? Good times… My point is, is that you should get to that movie immediately and glean and learn and emulate whatever message you get from it, which should be pretty eff-ing awesome. The Gathering is afoot, but fret not, you can’t possibly drown—you’re immortal, both in body and mind… and spirit.

Gemini- In chess my weakness is the Knight. I’m not good with locational diagnostics and orienteering, and what sense does it make to only move in an L shape anyway? I’m a dumbass with one and a half feet in the clouds. But that’s why we Aquariii love you Gems. You seem to have some grounding on this here planet that eludes me, or disinterests me fer sure. You are brain and emotion and much needed change betwixt a stalwart ram and a sideways crabby crawley thing with creepy 360° eyes. Nice maneuvering and suave deftness. You rascal. You gem. You’re all good, just keep on smelling awesome. Maybe get a haircut and have some lunch.

Cancer- Your immediate future can be summed up in this quote, bonus points for naming the movie: “So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.” It could be a weird week. Prepare for enlightened golfing.

Leo- “I have fed purely upon ale; I have eat my ale, drank my ale, and I always sleep upon ale.”--- George Farquhar, Irish dramatist and fan of self embalmanation®. And I don’t urge you to go that far. However, after these unpleasant caveats, it is your birthday time, so drop the poop chute and lose the diapers, cause the party’s at 8, and don’t be late. And if you’re ale’d out, try a martini, or just straight scotch. After the last couple months, you deserve all the malting and fermenting you can safely handle. And for those Leos that don’t imbibe, I think there’s like 3 or 4 of them, use ale as a metaphor for whatever heals and strengthens your spirit. Happy birthday. Oh, and….ROAR.

Virgo- Spellcheck errors, with the red and green and underlining is irritating and distracting and I want to punch it. Now, I know that you believe yourself to be masters of organization. And you appear to be so—and you are occasionally. But this week, you will need to re-focus your OCD, and you must delve; delve deeper than ever you’ve delved in prior delvinations®. You will need to be smarter than you are, in order to resolve the age old conflict that resides within you. Delve. Delve deep and firm. The ore you discover will pleasantly alter your current belief systems and modalities. Spelunk the crap out of it, and fuck spellcheck.

Libra- You are the exact opposite of all of the following: fop, dandy, pantywaist, turncoat, carpetbagger, ninny, sissypants, fart concealer, jackanapes, turd burglar, crotch blanket, goat feeler, friends with wankers, inbred, outsourced, mentally compromised, socially inept, diaper wearing, and wham bam no thank you ma’am. You’re one with a slow hand and an easy touch. You don’t come and go in a heated rush. You’re a slow groove that moves like a predator stalking prey in the night, pouncing and ass smacking only at the most titillating of moments. You know the tempo, now play Misty for me…and take your time…go slow, make it last.

Scorpio- It’s “as if” “god” has already rolled dice, or die--wow, death so soon in an ‘orroscope? Ich bin verboten und shadenfreude. Wait….I’m not of a lutherian impulse---fate vs I guess, non-fate, or something—a chaos..and yet this (uni)verse is evolving—exponentially in matrices unfathomable---till we gets us to the future and discovers us the past. Wait—the future---Cassandra…and your up and coming metamorphosis into—wait...more dashes----whether ‘god’ rolled the dice is irrelevant. In the same way that we know about geometry and billiards and how to cook a chicken. We are the future—YOU are future, resurrected from dead matter and rebirthed. All of time has already happened. Enjoy the ride and gather ye rosebuds.

Sagittarius- There is some impending and necessary finessing and you will be required to do the bear minimum in the upcoming fiscal future, in which you dally and dingle ‘mongst the rich and well to do. Okay, some of that was horseshite, but let’s get down to cases. The bear necessities are: 1) catch fish and eat them, 2) scare humans and maybe eat them too, 3) protect your clan and cubs, and 4) discover whether the Pope really does shit in the wood, and if so, wtf is that about? He has a gold toilet at home. The bear minimum is your charge. And if you’re gonna be a bear,

BE A GRIZZLY! Oh, and… ROAR!

Capricorn- I don’t know if Jesus was really a Capricorn, since christians use that day to co-opt the celebration of solstice, which occurs in pretty much every culture before the west “invented” civilization; but Jesus being a Cap does fit the model. There are processes and systems at work since infinity started, but Caps often seem, to me anyway, to be dissatisfied with the status quo. The ‘verse ought to run in the way you guys see fit. Cause you’ve got it all figured out. And hey, that’s great. And I’m not saying don’t try to change the system. But, Think like a Darwin---evolution is super neato. And while you’re scaling the next peak, bear—or rather, goat in mind that there are things with multi-causations---and that you’re not like Savoir Faire…you’re not everywhere. Be here and now, start with that, and just climb, and change what you can.

Aquarius- Lately you may have been feeling like one of the test cows for the first Rotolactor, which is exactly what it sounds like—the first invention for milking a large number of cows successively using a rotating platform. Had to have been some unhappy cows that week. However, there lies a pasture up ahead so divine that the more proper term would be a lea—a deliciously grassy lea replete with other cud chewing herbivores, along with a spirit of renewal and freedom. The Rotolactor is done with you till next season, so enjoy the grass and the cud and a more rested mental state, from which you will successfully lobby for higher brain function, some really good sushi and an entirely fresh perspective. 

Pisces- Occupation: mannequin. Source of income: mysterious. Arrested once, by a sheriff with a documented drinking problem, and hence your release—you’re worth 50,000 francs, alive and dead. Just like Schrodinger. Btw, questions are doors to windows of truth. "Truth", in quotes as you can hopefully see because of the gray scale that is our foggy perspective. Picture in your mind that you are part of a noir film scene in which one actor does a bad french accent and the other an insulting chinese one: this is the croissant shaped finger puzzle you are caught in. The answer is to relax and breathe, and the puzzle will solve itself through the will of your fishy soul and the multiverse. You’re welcome. Go. Now. Speed your plow. 

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

Aries- There is no antonym for herpetologist---which btw is someone who studies reptiles. Neat, right? And while there are scores of people who don’t study reptiles, there is still no antonym for the word herpetologist. And I think about this. Someone who doesn’t not study lizards? That’s pretty much most of us. Still, no antonym. And really, no synonyms either. The closest thing would be The Lizard, aka Dr. Curt Conners. What are we really talking about here? Is there a need for an antonym for everything? Does everything have an opposite? A Yin and a Yangtze? Or is there a niche market for singularities? Pools without reflections in any ‘verse. Ponder these insouciant potential incongruities, and you’ll soon happen upon a solution to the actual quandary that’s been clouding your vision for some time now. Think around and out, and free yourself.

Taurus- What ever it is you secretly know yourself to be addicted to, give it up--cold turkey for a minimum of 8.3 days. Get a calculator, do the math. Be the other person you know yourself to be without the sugar, or wheat, or pain pills or gambling or weed, or choking yourself while masturbating... and etc. Cede what you do not truly need to survive. It will suck. But you will emerge from a cocoon like yourself again and be unable to comprehend how you existed previously. Go. Now. Do not do what you expect of you to do, but rather a new thing, a less polluted matrix, the other you. You can meet any challenge, and return any gauntlet no matter how hefty.

Gemini- Not one of the three air signs is an animal. Gemini, the twins--human, one of them easily irritated, so mind your p’s. Libra, the scales...human, I suppose, but definitely esoteric and allegedly judicious. And the Aquarii...a dude pouring water from a jug, but the water represents knowledge---just some random guy passing along a literal river of info. We air signs are the Starchild. We are the Monolith. It begins with us, with our airy outward attitude fueling the world. We are the Four Winds. Life wouldn’t exist without our friendly gases--- O, for example, and O2, and of yeah--N. We really can blow. And if we blow forward that energy that we receive from the winds at our backs, we can fuel the river of information and knowledge forever into the future. In the ‘end’ the love we give is equal to the love we get. We are not animals. We are the future.

Go. now. Blow hard.

Cancer- I’m hoping we can have a tête à tête à tête about forgiveness, in particular self forgiveness. We are our worst judges, yes? Even the 'supreme' court is divided every single frakking decision. Wtf? My point is, is for you to just explore the meaning of forgiveness, if it has any meaning at all, if its even possible to forgive one’s own trespasses, which are probably undeserved. Is it even necessary? Do we truly believe in a multiverse that has nothing to do with right and/or wrong? Can I separate myself from eons of environmentally educed ethical genetic imprinting? Would someone please pour me a scotch? These weighty investigations I dump on your strong shoulders. For the rest of the week you are Atlas. No shrugging. And Happy Birthday.

Leo- You are a Bill Withers song that’s not about sad stuff, but about like the Lovely Day type shit. You’ re a sand dollar worth billions in doubloons and uncursed Incan gold. You’re Vivaldi and Mahler in a burrito filled with just the right amount of spicy picante de na na funky style salsa na na na na na. You are the penultimate juicy, in demand, au couture, saison du bueno, balls to the proverbial wall, Django unchained guitar maestro handsomest bastardo to strut this earth. Know this. Then go about your week rockin’ like the mother f-ing Dokken. Take no prisoners, take no shite, and take no respite from kicking ass all over town. Roar, indeed.

Virgo- I’m no genius and neither are you, no offense...but sometimes you get those flashes, insights, gut feelings, etc, that make you choose x or y...or maybe z, possibly even √-1. Maybe everything has already happened. Maybe the dye has been cast and Einstein was still slightly god bent, and he refused to disbelieve that the multiverse could somehow be without a grand designer—someone to roll the dice---a Vishnu with a Vision®. Maybe he wanted to believe, like Galileo, or even Oppenheimer. Now, you’re in the crosshairs here, and not to split those hairs, but choices are about to come forth...self generated or not. Justine, prepare for something. Not torture—but something very French and very tantric, and only mildly depraved.

Libra- Full confession, I’ve taken some calculus and upper level physics courses--in a distant past, and possibly could have continued, but I never became fluent in that language, and so I lost it. I learned some phrases, some ideas, some basics, but anyhoo-- I have this oscillating fan, and a toy frog suspended from the ceiling that is in contact with a portion of the fan's rotational cycle. Had I not lost my fluency, I could describe the relationship between the force of the fan and its relationship upon the orbit of the suspended frog—which incidentally goes “ribbet” from mere AA batteries when bounced... My rambling point? You will soon come into contact with an ancient language from your past. You will acclimate quickly and a puzzle will be ferreted out. Nice work. You, smart chicken.

Scorpio- I don’t know that I have anything for you this week. My wisdom has been bounding and splooging all up and down the other signs, but you guys---you guys seem to have had it easy. And I’m not here to forecast upcoming calamities, losses of faith, hemorrhoids, pickle related infighting, salamander tasting, coups—military or civilian; no impending omens of zombie dentists, nor travelling of the Jundland Wastes, no trekking to Seti Alpha V. You guys are the Starchild. You Scorps just want stuff and then you go after it. Seems like genius I should apply to myself. But that ability is unique to only some of us human folk. I, want, plan, action, then do more stuff and want more things, more experiences, more everything. Nice work if you can get it. Tally ho, Lord Baltimore! Merely infinity lies ahead!

Sagittarius- I don’t know what Pyrotechnic Futurism is all about...sounds like barleyed milquetoast malarkey to me; nevertheless you will invent it. You will also become known as the modern ancestor of the future reanimated dodo bird, a cousin to the emu, flightless and big of beak. However, that irony will be eclipsed by the fog of war that retreats to the sweet clear morning air of a nice onshore breeze, clearing all the way to Catalina. Your future is perfect weather for getting a tan, or reinventing the great american novel---even bringing back empathy! Why, the power and corrigible authority of this lies in your will! Your bodies are your garden, your will the gardener. How can you not create your eden?

Capricorn- The most logical and advantageous to the greater majority, that doesn’t undercut the minority to any improper disadvantage-- is never the same as what can be politically agreed upon, especially in back room strategizing. We are rarely led by intellectuals, left usually to the most vituperative lizard mammalian machiavellian machinists amongst us. However, things rank and gross in nature possess us merely, meaning not at all. You must take this confusing message to the people, or a friend, or maybe someone random who might think you're friendily bipolar. Think around the mountain you stand upon. There be other lands, avec points de vue, that resemble Le Pont des Arts. L'été -- all people, all wine, all night. In vino veritas? Possibly. I’m just saying, shift your stance, goatman.

Aquarius- As much as we Aquarii think about the future, I’ve spent precious little thinking of my own. I suppose my body will go the way of the vast majority and wither away. But whilst I’m here, I’ll never stop examining the machinations of the how and the why. Our brains just go-- hopefully selflessly...but they go, like infinite elastic neuron luging®. Posit: consider the moving train to be like a river, and you-- butt squeezed into an inner tube, just riding the current, the flow, the reed in the water that does as time wants you to do. Keep thinking, but loosen the reins. Drift, and ideas will emerge like reflections on the water of an infinite sky. And fret not, the river is impossibly long and endless beauteous.

Pisces- The Hawaiian Islands are a jewel—created at just the perfect time for us to enjoy them. Quickly, here’s the science. There’s a hot spot in the earth’s crust over which float these large cooled off sections called tectonic plates. These plates drift and change location, and the hot spots splooge through, creating a chain of islands in the middle of nowhere—most isolated islands in the world, btw. In fact, there’s a new Hawaiian Island forming right now south of the big island---it’s called Lōʻihi. And it will emerge from the sea and create life, hopefully with us in robot bodies able to explore it. I can’t wait for the future. However, we—the fish must live in the now sea. The time current here is strange. Yet fret not, pay heed, and we will soon be upstream and climbing Mauna Lōʻihi.

freedom

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

Aries- The best thing about the whole gay supreme court deal last week was the shock and awe that hits our face when any good news comes out of DC. Did we hear right? They did something right, despite dissenting opinion a-holes sans feet in reality? Has anyone patented Hell’s Ice Cubes® yet? Rare light escaping the black hole of unavoidable congestion and spin doctoring and corporate lobbying and pork and full on horseshit that seems to be the only logic that DC can generate---holy turd balls! is an understatement. You would be wise to continue to promulgate and propound intelligent thinking of similar ilk, and hopefully lighting someone else’s way along the way. We can be the slightly less horseshit generation! Who’s with me??!! Sí se puede, and stuff!

Taurus- According to the F Scott F, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” This can be a daunting task for even the highest of intellects. Two things, same time. Like atoms…mostly empty space, you got your nucleus—a smattering of ‘matter’, and an electron moving so fast that it seems to be in multiple places at the same time—smaller than a yottasecond of a zettasecond, btw. Wacky small and willy-wee. The nature of this ‘verse is not solid. Thankfully it seems to be. Some parts of us however ooze and seep through subatomic cracks. Look deep into the center of the candle flame, its ocean is impossibly deep.

Gemini- You and you alone are smart enough to understand this man’s genius: never put off till today what you can do yesterday, let rolling stones lie, nothing recedes like progress, a chain is no weaker than its missing link, many parents wouldn’t exist if their children had been a little more careful, great men burn bridges before they come to them, the pigpen is mightier than the sword, an intelligent person fights for lost causes, realizing that others are merely effects, equality is what does not exist among equals, and of course people who live in steel houses should pull down the lightning. Cryptic, yes possibly, but this is how weird things may get. Justine, prepare for torture, most likely orgasmic in nature. And giving Slaughterhouse Five a re-read is not a bad idea either.

Cancer- Happy birthday, you pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of not so silent seas. You are awash with noise, clakking and sand surfing and nabbing of prey and birthing in earth--despite your watery nature. You are the first among us to crawl from the sea and experiment with air mixed with earth, and water intermittently. You are ancient, yet astrologically young—the most ‘immature’ of water signs, eager and intrepid and sideways you ride waves and bathe in sun—and reproduce in semisolid earth. You are Jurassic and clan protective. Sideways, and uprighteous® and quick like light. Happy happy happiest of birthdays.

Leo- It took me forever to remember the name of the guy who brought aussie to the US-- Hulk Hogan. No, that’s a reality show. That’s not a knife! First time in NYC, blew froth off several, spoke Aborigine--Croc Dundee!, that’s his name… so much time has passed since I saw that movie, so much rerun tv fodder under the bridge. This is a knife!, befriending us with his underworld charm. No, it’s mos def not Yahoo Serious---no way. Sorry Yahoo, but the Croc Man, he’s way cooler, he had a sequel. My point is?—-that this week you will have to choose your favorite australian. Choose wisely. You can be a Mel Gibson, but don’t be a Yahoo. 

Virgo- I want you to make a list this week of super cool shizznit® that does not ‘currently’ exist, and then find a way to use these as yet fictional objects or ideas for the betterment of all. For example, Rhombus Orthotics. Or, gallivanting crotchal regions. Maybe even, chickens that can poop eggs loaded with plutonium. Get creative. Make shit up that even true bullshitters would be like, shahhh, as if! Inverse triangulated boustiers? No way. Donkey Konging? Wahaaaa? Ribbet Ring Toning? Insane. And probably inane. Get creative. There is no box, nor spoon. Your only confines are those of the boundless multiverse and your vivid imagnation. Oh, and read Scorpio. It’s vital, incorrigible and irremovable.

Libra- People like your face. And some people love it. I guarantee that there is no one that doesn’t at least like your face. You can’t have all lovers, some people prefer to be a bit more aloof. But NO ONE DOESN’T LIKE YOUR FACE. Keep that in mind as you go about your public life. You are looked upon fairly, for your beauty and your honest forthrightedness®, so give it right back to folks. I LIKE YOUR FACE TOO, DAMMIT. You don’t need the dammit, that was for effect. I LIKE YOUR FACE. And when you start looking more deeply, you’ll get better at finding the faces that really love your face. Them, you stick to. Like glue. Go. Now. Waste not a nanosecond. Don’t lose the faces for the crowd.

Scorpio- This ‘scope I wrote for you is akin to the light of a star a billion mucho trillion parsecs from here. Posit: the light you see is ancient, that star could have gone nova aeons ago. Which maybe is what physic nerd types mean when they say that all time, all of time exists now and has ever existed and will exist. Time is a fallacy and a ruse. This universe has already happened and transpired. Yes… transpiration. The act of “god” “breathing”. Assuming the multiverse is ‘god’. Yes, small g, I’m a non conforming atheist. And what if we were but one drop in an ocean of ‘verses and branes and internecine subatomic weirdness? That we could be reflected multiplied an infinite-fold, over and over and over and etc—and yet, all of this has all already happened. And yet the future is a mystery. Look deeper than you have ever looked before. Inconceivably vast is the sea.

Sagittarius- Are you being compelled, or asked? Asking implies the freedom to say no. Preferably politely, but if necessary in a fuck you manner. Frankly this whole line of questioning seems to be putting you in firing range of undeserved missives and high speed paint balls. Compelled implies that there are consequences for rejecting any offers in the form of questions, that may or may not be intended to reduce you to cinders and half melted bottle caps. Find your ground, stand firm and ready arrows. Hopefully this is asking and you can walk away without putting notches in folks. Be ready, but hope to be unrestrained.

Capricorn- Awkward is a rad word. K sandwiched between two w’s. Maladroit also tingles my vocab nads. Transcendental. Jammin’ on frequent-cy, daddio. Walkabout—very cool and self explanatory. Jingoism. Weird and uncomfortable. Jejune---so ennui and self-laden and french. Cabal and tontine…all very secretive and probably injudicious. Troglodyte, samaritan, didgeridoo, jasmine, heradotemus, hippopotamus, triangulate, sisyphean, apian way, motorboatting, jazz handling, eponymous yodeling, pickle tickling, razzle frazzle, gridlock untamed, killer shrimp that actually kill—all of this and more await you on a mere 3 hour tour. Don’t fret or hesitate. Go. Now. Promulgate knowledge and engender love.

Aquarius- “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”, according to the F Scott F anyway. He was a Libra, btw. And I bring up his intellectual countenance in an effort to remind you that Libra, in general, may be who might be pursuing you in some sub rosa fashion. Libra and Aquarii make great combos. Both intellects--and intimate sexual dynamos. Hearken! Perk you hearing ears for the seductive flutter of the wings of an angel with a naughty dis-position. She/He is nigh & near and balanced, ready to take your weight.

Pisces- Despite your fishy nature, I love to eat you. I know—you’re a living creature who might feel pain---but the flesh of a fish is so delectable. Raw muscle evolving and fighting through liquid---we air signs have it easy---you must be exhausted. But I eat you raw---right off the bone. I would never think the same of cattle or pig or fowl. I eat you. Raw and flesh and life and rebirth and instantaneous orgasmic tantric gushing and splurging and life feeding on life feeding on life, because you are yummy and ancient. And the multiverse backs me up on this. Rock on, you crazy diamond space cowboy wonder twin action hero figure statue worthy lover. Eat the fish!