Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                

Aries-  I don’t need to tell you that life is short. And that there are only two dimensions: the horizontal and the vertical. The quick and the dead. And yet---you are not one to fall for the inherent illogic of absolutism. So, I won’t bullshit you, until later--when maybe you’ll need some acquiescing and intermediating and maybe some tlc, which you are loathe to accept, except in such cases as you have no choice---ahhh!, freedom, that’s what’s at issue here! Okay, I got ya--you require freedom to live---or rather, you make freedom happen regardless of circumstance. Trig—very trig, and clever! As well as vain. Holy jesus farts, your balls are grande—grande como el rio—que esta en este momento—en fuego. You = en fuego. I’m not saying ‘It’s better to burn out than to fade away’, but…I am saying---la vida es corto—act accordingly.

Taurus- Your Bowery legend for the week, to the which you should aspire—perhaps not literally tho, is Steve Brodie, who in 1886 claimed to have jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and survived, collected numerous wagers, got famous, opened a saloon and starred on Broadway. Never mind the outrageous accusation that he dropped a dummy off the bridge, while he fell out a rowboat and swam to shore. Never mind that he was a flim flammy shyster and a hoodwink. Your upcoming exploits will also become the stuff of legend and lore. Maybe you’ll open a bar, I don’t know. Just remember, you don’t really have to jump off the bridge—cause that’s probably suicide, but you do have to let the world know how cool you are somehow. Go now. I believe you can fly.

Gemini- Personally I don’t believe anything has really changed over these human centuries except two things: the rate of increase of technology, and the sheer volume of society(ies). The rules of how things work in socio-dynamic situations are the same as they've ever been, perhaps even down to the subatomic level. Wait one more thing...time, as in perspective, or rather the loss of perspective from one generation to the next---you can only imprint memory so far...at a certain point, we lose what the previous generation had already found out, probably the hard way. Read your Marcus Aurelius: “Consider that everything is opinion, and opinion is in thy power.”  Go now. Speed your plow. Opine, re-mind, and divine.

Cancer- After a harrowing Seattle weekend--home to much crab eating and dipping in butter and such, I must remunerate the importance of your species. Crabs are a living nexus---a functional junction ‘twixt the ‘ancient’ past and the stuff of the now now time, as well as the here and where and when that we are now times. What..? I urge you to consider this differential of modalities: the ups, downs and in and outs on the x-y-and z axis that endures our ocean, refolding in constant flux. Weight—yes, that’s it---constant flux…AND ONE WILL FIND REFUGE AND SAFETY BETWIXT THE SEA AND THE SAND--TWO WORLDS, NOT ONE…possibly three. Follow thou the sun, and all shall be sunny, and at night night, you be ruled moonwise.

Leo- You have the Captain’s full permission to shut the hell up and chill the fuck out. At ease, birthday soldier. Cool your heels, split the rails, trim those tails, catch some waves and dance til your feet bleed; cause you’re coming up roses and smelling similarly. You’re the cat’s pajamas, and his fabled cat bird seat! The hour of your exaltation—and I mean that literally---your E-X-A-L-T-A-T-I-O-N is nigh. I’m not saying you’re invincible—-if you see Mothra, don’t be a hero; BUT-- your sails are full, the wind at your command and a bourbon soaked dessert at the ready. Rejoice, for you and we and I—are at hand, centrifugal forces breaking bad. Happy birthday, fucker.

Virgo- A shorter orbit, and more tectonic stress-- then a respite, an autumn, all too brief. And the solar fan returns, exerting radiation and heat and gravity on us, fueling our journey, but allowing for few stops along the way. Turn, turn, turn and a’ that. However-- could a burrito be microwaved so hot that even Jesus couldn’t eat it? I don’t know either. I mean, if the subatomic basis and underpinnings are at best theoretical and mostly empty space, then wtf, bro? What are we even standing on? Luckily, I’ll take the weighty thought off this one. I’m gonna do you this ‘solid’. You, Libra, are free to go to your respective island of relaxation and irresponsibility, and have cocktails. I’ll be there around happy hour thirty.

Libra- You can’t spin an impressive yarn until you’ve lived a wild dream. Or so I’ve heard. And don’t worry about writing it down. Your next wild ride will be indelibly etched into your gray matter, like a butterfly’s wings in amber. Even years from now, you will be able to recount this tale with clarity and breadth of vision that will make it ripe for a feature film, or at least a pretty cool MOW. Man! You have no idea how cool stuff is about to get---maybe a little weird, but good weird---and orgasmically surprising, probably replete with a lot of Silly String and french ticklers. You can spin and doctor later. For now, catch the wave. And ride. Ride til you’re sated.

Scorpio- How far have psychogenic substances affected our culture? Hmmm... Huxley, Leary, Sagan, Cary Grant, accidental Hofmann, Brando, untold scores of hippies with heavy duty revelations--man! Wait, what...? Oh, yeah---the caveat: so, while this Doc Pants can't officially sanction or endorse illegal drug use if an kind, I can endorse the freaky free will of your imagination to sweeten and engender you spirit in ways you are only beginning to imagine. Your spirit still has room to bloom. And while you’ve been busy indulging your immediate senses, it’s time to buckle down and get to work on the inner and the unseen. Vacations are great---but now, welcome home. Time to travel inwards and diagonal and unexpectedly.

Sagittarius- I’d seduce you with words, but you’re far too crafty. I’d curry your favor with saffron and herbs---but, surely you’d find fault. I’d never reverse engineer you---I know whereof I speak. And maybe that’s

my-opia….I, of the Aquarii, don’t want to unnecessarily upset any apple carts. But you---I feel that you like up-setting, at least on some biochemical level. That surge---adrenaline, yes, but also…power. Yes, power. Fire. Creation. Like god’s finger in that painting by that probably bisexual guy, who rich ‘heterosexuals’ used to adore and fund. Shit, wait—as usual, fuck the bullshit: Drive deep, drive hard, and to quote Iron Maiden—‘Take no prisoners—TAKE NO SHIT!’ Business as usual for you, I presume….?

Capricorn- Posit: the difference between Godfather II, Casablanca, North By Northwest and Cannonball Run-- are only subjective in nature. They’re equal in the eyes of the movie god in our head. Which is the best? There is no possible answer. You are at this same four way stop. Coppolla, Bogie, Hitchcock, and Burt Reynolds are your options. To be sure---there is no wrong choice. But then, sometimes, you just have to roll the dice and pick a DVD to watch at random. Drop the whole order and logic and possibly bullshit system you’ve painstakingly worked out. Better yet, put down the remote and read some Marcus Aurelius: “Consider that everything is opinion, and opinion is in thy power.”

Aquarius- I often hear that Aquarius is the sign of universality--whatever that is, and selflessness and altruism, and always somehow responsible for the disenfranchised and overlooked and crap like that. And that’s great for most of the year. Howsome-ever, we have a rare thing this month: there’s a full moon in Aquarius every year around the shift into Leo, which we just had the other night, but this year, we get two. There’s another full moon in Aquarius a month from right now. Posit: between now and then, it’s OUR time. Or rather, YOUR time. YOU are the forgotten and misappropriated. You have blown away too much of your airy self, and gone too far in the spirit of magnanimity. Turn your compassion inward for just one month. I’m not saying break your back kissing your own ass---but rather, spend some time with number ONE—you’re overdue for some self directed philanthropy and TLC. You have ONE MONTH. Go now. Attend to thyself.

Pisces- Now, in the time of Leo—now is where you can stand—even midstream. Your salmon heritage is ready for a breather before making the final push, and entering bear territory. I know fire may seem antithetical to a fish swimming in a sea of weird and wily chaotic life life life every-frikken-where you frikkin’ look look, but I urge you---to resemble the pool in which you now currently wade, and breathe and survive to see another and another day—even if it is governed by a larger tide……now is calm, and now be-tide,,,…you can rest here, and feed. Up-streaming awaits.