Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

Aries- There is no antonym for herpetologist---which btw is someone who studies reptiles. Neat, right? And while there are scores of people who don’t study reptiles, there is still no antonym for the word herpetologist. And I think about this. Someone who doesn’t not study lizards? That’s pretty much most of us. Still, no antonym. And really, no synonyms either. The closest thing would be The Lizard, aka Dr. Curt Conners. What are we really talking about here? Is there a need for an antonym for everything? Does everything have an opposite? A Yin and a Yangtze? Or is there a niche market for singularities? Pools without reflections in any ‘verse. Ponder these insouciant potential incongruities, and you’ll soon happen upon a solution to the actual quandary that’s been clouding your vision for some time now. Think around and out, and free yourself.

Taurus- What ever it is you secretly know yourself to be addicted to, give it up--cold turkey for a minimum of 8.3 days. Get a calculator, do the math. Be the other person you know yourself to be without the sugar, or wheat, or pain pills or gambling or weed, or choking yourself while masturbating... and etc. Cede what you do not truly need to survive. It will suck. But you will emerge from a cocoon like yourself again and be unable to comprehend how you existed previously. Go. Now. Do not do what you expect of you to do, but rather a new thing, a less polluted matrix, the other you. You can meet any challenge, and return any gauntlet no matter how hefty.

Gemini- Not one of the three air signs is an animal. Gemini, the twins--human, one of them easily irritated, so mind your p’s. Libra, the scales...human, I suppose, but definitely esoteric and allegedly judicious. And the Aquarii...a dude pouring water from a jug, but the water represents knowledge---just some random guy passing along a literal river of info. We air signs are the Starchild. We are the Monolith. It begins with us, with our airy outward attitude fueling the world. We are the Four Winds. Life wouldn’t exist without our friendly gases--- O, for example, and O2, and of yeah--N. We really can blow. And if we blow forward that energy that we receive from the winds at our backs, we can fuel the river of information and knowledge forever into the future. In the ‘end’ the love we give is equal to the love we get. We are not animals. We are the future.

Go. now. Blow hard.

Cancer- I’m hoping we can have a tête à tête à tête about forgiveness, in particular self forgiveness. We are our worst judges, yes? Even the 'supreme' court is divided every single frakking decision. Wtf? My point is, is for you to just explore the meaning of forgiveness, if it has any meaning at all, if its even possible to forgive one’s own trespasses, which are probably undeserved. Is it even necessary? Do we truly believe in a multiverse that has nothing to do with right and/or wrong? Can I separate myself from eons of environmentally educed ethical genetic imprinting? Would someone please pour me a scotch? These weighty investigations I dump on your strong shoulders. For the rest of the week you are Atlas. No shrugging. And Happy Birthday.

Leo- You are a Bill Withers song that’s not about sad stuff, but about like the Lovely Day type shit. You’ re a sand dollar worth billions in doubloons and uncursed Incan gold. You’re Vivaldi and Mahler in a burrito filled with just the right amount of spicy picante de na na funky style salsa na na na na na. You are the penultimate juicy, in demand, au couture, saison du bueno, balls to the proverbial wall, Django unchained guitar maestro handsomest bastardo to strut this earth. Know this. Then go about your week rockin’ like the mother f-ing Dokken. Take no prisoners, take no shite, and take no respite from kicking ass all over town. Roar, indeed.

Virgo- I’m no genius and neither are you, no offense...but sometimes you get those flashes, insights, gut feelings, etc, that make you choose x or y...or maybe z, possibly even √-1. Maybe everything has already happened. Maybe the dye has been cast and Einstein was still slightly god bent, and he refused to disbelieve that the multiverse could somehow be without a grand designer—someone to roll the dice---a Vishnu with a Vision®. Maybe he wanted to believe, like Galileo, or even Oppenheimer. Now, you’re in the crosshairs here, and not to split those hairs, but choices are about to come forth...self generated or not. Justine, prepare for something. Not torture—but something very French and very tantric, and only mildly depraved.

Libra- Full confession, I’ve taken some calculus and upper level physics courses--in a distant past, and possibly could have continued, but I never became fluent in that language, and so I lost it. I learned some phrases, some ideas, some basics, but anyhoo-- I have this oscillating fan, and a toy frog suspended from the ceiling that is in contact with a portion of the fan's rotational cycle. Had I not lost my fluency, I could describe the relationship between the force of the fan and its relationship upon the orbit of the suspended frog—which incidentally goes “ribbet” from mere AA batteries when bounced... My rambling point? You will soon come into contact with an ancient language from your past. You will acclimate quickly and a puzzle will be ferreted out. Nice work. You, smart chicken.

Scorpio- I don’t know that I have anything for you this week. My wisdom has been bounding and splooging all up and down the other signs, but you guys---you guys seem to have had it easy. And I’m not here to forecast upcoming calamities, losses of faith, hemorrhoids, pickle related infighting, salamander tasting, coups—military or civilian; no impending omens of zombie dentists, nor travelling of the Jundland Wastes, no trekking to Seti Alpha V. You guys are the Starchild. You Scorps just want stuff and then you go after it. Seems like genius I should apply to myself. But that ability is unique to only some of us human folk. I, want, plan, action, then do more stuff and want more things, more experiences, more everything. Nice work if you can get it. Tally ho, Lord Baltimore! Merely infinity lies ahead!

Sagittarius- I don’t know what Pyrotechnic Futurism is all about...sounds like barleyed milquetoast malarkey to me; nevertheless you will invent it. You will also become known as the modern ancestor of the future reanimated dodo bird, a cousin to the emu, flightless and big of beak. However, that irony will be eclipsed by the fog of war that retreats to the sweet clear morning air of a nice onshore breeze, clearing all the way to Catalina. Your future is perfect weather for getting a tan, or reinventing the great american novel---even bringing back empathy! Why, the power and corrigible authority of this lies in your will! Your bodies are your garden, your will the gardener. How can you not create your eden?

Capricorn- The most logical and advantageous to the greater majority, that doesn’t undercut the minority to any improper disadvantage-- is never the same as what can be politically agreed upon, especially in back room strategizing. We are rarely led by intellectuals, left usually to the most vituperative lizard mammalian machiavellian machinists amongst us. However, things rank and gross in nature possess us merely, meaning not at all. You must take this confusing message to the people, or a friend, or maybe someone random who might think you're friendily bipolar. Think around the mountain you stand upon. There be other lands, avec points de vue, that resemble Le Pont des Arts. L'été -- all people, all wine, all night. In vino veritas? Possibly. I’m just saying, shift your stance, goatman.

Aquarius- As much as we Aquarii think about the future, I’ve spent precious little thinking of my own. I suppose my body will go the way of the vast majority and wither away. But whilst I’m here, I’ll never stop examining the machinations of the how and the why. Our brains just go-- hopefully selflessly...but they go, like infinite elastic neuron luging®. Posit: consider the moving train to be like a river, and you-- butt squeezed into an inner tube, just riding the current, the flow, the reed in the water that does as time wants you to do. Keep thinking, but loosen the reins. Drift, and ideas will emerge like reflections on the water of an infinite sky. And fret not, the river is impossibly long and endless beauteous.

Pisces- The Hawaiian Islands are a jewel—created at just the perfect time for us to enjoy them. Quickly, here’s the science. There’s a hot spot in the earth’s crust over which float these large cooled off sections called tectonic plates. These plates drift and change location, and the hot spots splooge through, creating a chain of islands in the middle of nowhere—most isolated islands in the world, btw. In fact, there’s a new Hawaiian Island forming right now south of the big island---it’s called Lōʻihi. And it will emerge from the sea and create life, hopefully with us in robot bodies able to explore it. I can’t wait for the future. However, we—the fish must live in the now sea. The time current here is strange. Yet fret not, pay heed, and we will soon be upstream and climbing Mauna Lōʻihi.