freedom

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

Aries- The best thing about the whole gay supreme court deal last week was the shock and awe that hits our face when any good news comes out of DC. Did we hear right? They did something right, despite dissenting opinion a-holes sans feet in reality? Has anyone patented Hell’s Ice Cubes® yet? Rare light escaping the black hole of unavoidable congestion and spin doctoring and corporate lobbying and pork and full on horseshit that seems to be the only logic that DC can generate---holy turd balls! is an understatement. You would be wise to continue to promulgate and propound intelligent thinking of similar ilk, and hopefully lighting someone else’s way along the way. We can be the slightly less horseshit generation! Who’s with me??!! Sí se puede, and stuff!

Taurus- According to the F Scott F, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” This can be a daunting task for even the highest of intellects. Two things, same time. Like atoms…mostly empty space, you got your nucleus—a smattering of ‘matter’, and an electron moving so fast that it seems to be in multiple places at the same time—smaller than a yottasecond of a zettasecond, btw. Wacky small and willy-wee. The nature of this ‘verse is not solid. Thankfully it seems to be. Some parts of us however ooze and seep through subatomic cracks. Look deep into the center of the candle flame, its ocean is impossibly deep.

Gemini- You and you alone are smart enough to understand this man’s genius: never put off till today what you can do yesterday, let rolling stones lie, nothing recedes like progress, a chain is no weaker than its missing link, many parents wouldn’t exist if their children had been a little more careful, great men burn bridges before they come to them, the pigpen is mightier than the sword, an intelligent person fights for lost causes, realizing that others are merely effects, equality is what does not exist among equals, and of course people who live in steel houses should pull down the lightning. Cryptic, yes possibly, but this is how weird things may get. Justine, prepare for torture, most likely orgasmic in nature. And giving Slaughterhouse Five a re-read is not a bad idea either.

Cancer- Happy birthday, you pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of not so silent seas. You are awash with noise, clakking and sand surfing and nabbing of prey and birthing in earth--despite your watery nature. You are the first among us to crawl from the sea and experiment with air mixed with earth, and water intermittently. You are ancient, yet astrologically young—the most ‘immature’ of water signs, eager and intrepid and sideways you ride waves and bathe in sun—and reproduce in semisolid earth. You are Jurassic and clan protective. Sideways, and uprighteous® and quick like light. Happy happy happiest of birthdays.

Leo- It took me forever to remember the name of the guy who brought aussie to the US-- Hulk Hogan. No, that’s a reality show. That’s not a knife! First time in NYC, blew froth off several, spoke Aborigine--Croc Dundee!, that’s his name… so much time has passed since I saw that movie, so much rerun tv fodder under the bridge. This is a knife!, befriending us with his underworld charm. No, it’s mos def not Yahoo Serious---no way. Sorry Yahoo, but the Croc Man, he’s way cooler, he had a sequel. My point is?—-that this week you will have to choose your favorite australian. Choose wisely. You can be a Mel Gibson, but don’t be a Yahoo. 

Virgo- I want you to make a list this week of super cool shizznit® that does not ‘currently’ exist, and then find a way to use these as yet fictional objects or ideas for the betterment of all. For example, Rhombus Orthotics. Or, gallivanting crotchal regions. Maybe even, chickens that can poop eggs loaded with plutonium. Get creative. Make shit up that even true bullshitters would be like, shahhh, as if! Inverse triangulated boustiers? No way. Donkey Konging? Wahaaaa? Ribbet Ring Toning? Insane. And probably inane. Get creative. There is no box, nor spoon. Your only confines are those of the boundless multiverse and your vivid imagnation. Oh, and read Scorpio. It’s vital, incorrigible and irremovable.

Libra- People like your face. And some people love it. I guarantee that there is no one that doesn’t at least like your face. You can’t have all lovers, some people prefer to be a bit more aloof. But NO ONE DOESN’T LIKE YOUR FACE. Keep that in mind as you go about your public life. You are looked upon fairly, for your beauty and your honest forthrightedness®, so give it right back to folks. I LIKE YOUR FACE TOO, DAMMIT. You don’t need the dammit, that was for effect. I LIKE YOUR FACE. And when you start looking more deeply, you’ll get better at finding the faces that really love your face. Them, you stick to. Like glue. Go. Now. Waste not a nanosecond. Don’t lose the faces for the crowd.

Scorpio- This ‘scope I wrote for you is akin to the light of a star a billion mucho trillion parsecs from here. Posit: the light you see is ancient, that star could have gone nova aeons ago. Which maybe is what physic nerd types mean when they say that all time, all of time exists now and has ever existed and will exist. Time is a fallacy and a ruse. This universe has already happened and transpired. Yes… transpiration. The act of “god” “breathing”. Assuming the multiverse is ‘god’. Yes, small g, I’m a non conforming atheist. And what if we were but one drop in an ocean of ‘verses and branes and internecine subatomic weirdness? That we could be reflected multiplied an infinite-fold, over and over and over and etc—and yet, all of this has all already happened. And yet the future is a mystery. Look deeper than you have ever looked before. Inconceivably vast is the sea.

Sagittarius- Are you being compelled, or asked? Asking implies the freedom to say no. Preferably politely, but if necessary in a fuck you manner. Frankly this whole line of questioning seems to be putting you in firing range of undeserved missives and high speed paint balls. Compelled implies that there are consequences for rejecting any offers in the form of questions, that may or may not be intended to reduce you to cinders and half melted bottle caps. Find your ground, stand firm and ready arrows. Hopefully this is asking and you can walk away without putting notches in folks. Be ready, but hope to be unrestrained.

Capricorn- Awkward is a rad word. K sandwiched between two w’s. Maladroit also tingles my vocab nads. Transcendental. Jammin’ on frequent-cy, daddio. Walkabout—very cool and self explanatory. Jingoism. Weird and uncomfortable. Jejune---so ennui and self-laden and french. Cabal and tontine…all very secretive and probably injudicious. Troglodyte, samaritan, didgeridoo, jasmine, heradotemus, hippopotamus, triangulate, sisyphean, apian way, motorboatting, jazz handling, eponymous yodeling, pickle tickling, razzle frazzle, gridlock untamed, killer shrimp that actually kill—all of this and more await you on a mere 3 hour tour. Don’t fret or hesitate. Go. Now. Promulgate knowledge and engender love.

Aquarius- “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”, according to the F Scott F anyway. He was a Libra, btw. And I bring up his intellectual countenance in an effort to remind you that Libra, in general, may be who might be pursuing you in some sub rosa fashion. Libra and Aquarii make great combos. Both intellects--and intimate sexual dynamos. Hearken! Perk you hearing ears for the seductive flutter of the wings of an angel with a naughty dis-position. She/He is nigh & near and balanced, ready to take your weight.

Pisces- Despite your fishy nature, I love to eat you. I know—you’re a living creature who might feel pain---but the flesh of a fish is so delectable. Raw muscle evolving and fighting through liquid---we air signs have it easy---you must be exhausted. But I eat you raw---right off the bone. I would never think the same of cattle or pig or fowl. I eat you. Raw and flesh and life and rebirth and instantaneous orgasmic tantric gushing and splurging and life feeding on life feeding on life, because you are yummy and ancient. And the multiverse backs me up on this. Rock on, you crazy diamond space cowboy wonder twin action hero figure statue worthy lover. Eat the fish!