Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                

Aries- We’re never going to stop science, it’s a runaway damn train. So let’s just allow doping in all sports. That way, we can keep it honest, more spiritually capitalistic and we’ll create monsters with giant arms and minute genitalia that surely won’t menace or patrol our streets. What? Wait…seriously tho, you won’t stop science. Every law, every imposition you place on free will, will get sidestepped and ran around. It’s just basically the way everything works. Evolution. Study your Darwin, Dude. And find me a rationale for spending countless amounts of money on doping scandal enforcement horse crap. This week, I dare you to stop science.  

Taurus- The movie Highlander is awesome for the following reasons: 1) the entire soundtrack is by Queen—‘nuff said. 2) Sean Connery plays a spaniard with a scottish accent = amazeballs. 3) There can be only one, Mcleod. 4) The hot female lead is a metallurgist and expert on ancient weapons—well, of course! And 5) The suspiciously flemish Christopher Lambert-- c'est magnifique! He was Tarzan too, remember? Good times… My point is, is that you should get to that movie immediately and glean and learn and emulate whatever message you get from it, which should be pretty eff-ing awesome. The Gathering is afoot, but fret not, you can’t possibly drown—you’re immortal, both in body and mind… and spirit.

Gemini- In chess my weakness is the Knight. I’m not good with locational diagnostics and orienteering, and what sense does it make to only move in an L shape anyway? I’m a dumbass with one and a half feet in the clouds. But that’s why we Aquariii love you Gems. You seem to have some grounding on this here planet that eludes me, or disinterests me fer sure. You are brain and emotion and much needed change betwixt a stalwart ram and a sideways crabby crawley thing with creepy 360° eyes. Nice maneuvering and suave deftness. You rascal. You gem. You’re all good, just keep on smelling awesome. Maybe get a haircut and have some lunch.

Cancer- Your immediate future can be summed up in this quote, bonus points for naming the movie: “So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.” It could be a weird week. Prepare for enlightened golfing.

Leo- “I have fed purely upon ale; I have eat my ale, drank my ale, and I always sleep upon ale.”--- George Farquhar, Irish dramatist and fan of self embalmanation®. And I don’t urge you to go that far. However, after these unpleasant caveats, it is your birthday time, so drop the poop chute and lose the diapers, cause the party’s at 8, and don’t be late. And if you’re ale’d out, try a martini, or just straight scotch. After the last couple months, you deserve all the malting and fermenting you can safely handle. And for those Leos that don’t imbibe, I think there’s like 3 or 4 of them, use ale as a metaphor for whatever heals and strengthens your spirit. Happy birthday. Oh, and….ROAR.

Virgo- Spellcheck errors, with the red and green and underlining is irritating and distracting and I want to punch it. Now, I know that you believe yourself to be masters of organization. And you appear to be so—and you are occasionally. But this week, you will need to re-focus your OCD, and you must delve; delve deeper than ever you’ve delved in prior delvinations®. You will need to be smarter than you are, in order to resolve the age old conflict that resides within you. Delve. Delve deep and firm. The ore you discover will pleasantly alter your current belief systems and modalities. Spelunk the crap out of it, and fuck spellcheck.

Libra- You are the exact opposite of all of the following: fop, dandy, pantywaist, turncoat, carpetbagger, ninny, sissypants, fart concealer, jackanapes, turd burglar, crotch blanket, goat feeler, friends with wankers, inbred, outsourced, mentally compromised, socially inept, diaper wearing, and wham bam no thank you ma’am. You’re one with a slow hand and an easy touch. You don’t come and go in a heated rush. You’re a slow groove that moves like a predator stalking prey in the night, pouncing and ass smacking only at the most titillating of moments. You know the tempo, now play Misty for me…and take your time…go slow, make it last.

Scorpio- It’s “as if” “god” has already rolled dice, or die--wow, death so soon in an ‘orroscope? Ich bin verboten und shadenfreude. Wait….I’m not of a lutherian impulse---fate vs I guess, non-fate, or something—a chaos..and yet this (uni)verse is evolving—exponentially in matrices unfathomable---till we gets us to the future and discovers us the past. Wait—the future---Cassandra…and your up and coming metamorphosis into—wait...more dashes----whether ‘god’ rolled the dice is irrelevant. In the same way that we know about geometry and billiards and how to cook a chicken. We are the future—YOU are future, resurrected from dead matter and rebirthed. All of time has already happened. Enjoy the ride and gather ye rosebuds.

Sagittarius- There is some impending and necessary finessing and you will be required to do the bear minimum in the upcoming fiscal future, in which you dally and dingle ‘mongst the rich and well to do. Okay, some of that was horseshite, but let’s get down to cases. The bear necessities are: 1) catch fish and eat them, 2) scare humans and maybe eat them too, 3) protect your clan and cubs, and 4) discover whether the Pope really does shit in the wood, and if so, wtf is that about? He has a gold toilet at home. The bear minimum is your charge. And if you’re gonna be a bear,

BE A GRIZZLY! Oh, and… ROAR!

Capricorn- I don’t know if Jesus was really a Capricorn, since christians use that day to co-opt the celebration of solstice, which occurs in pretty much every culture before the west “invented” civilization; but Jesus being a Cap does fit the model. There are processes and systems at work since infinity started, but Caps often seem, to me anyway, to be dissatisfied with the status quo. The ‘verse ought to run in the way you guys see fit. Cause you’ve got it all figured out. And hey, that’s great. And I’m not saying don’t try to change the system. But, Think like a Darwin---evolution is super neato. And while you’re scaling the next peak, bear—or rather, goat in mind that there are things with multi-causations---and that you’re not like Savoir Faire…you’re not everywhere. Be here and now, start with that, and just climb, and change what you can.

Aquarius- Lately you may have been feeling like one of the test cows for the first Rotolactor, which is exactly what it sounds like—the first invention for milking a large number of cows successively using a rotating platform. Had to have been some unhappy cows that week. However, there lies a pasture up ahead so divine that the more proper term would be a lea—a deliciously grassy lea replete with other cud chewing herbivores, along with a spirit of renewal and freedom. The Rotolactor is done with you till next season, so enjoy the grass and the cud and a more rested mental state, from which you will successfully lobby for higher brain function, some really good sushi and an entirely fresh perspective. 

Pisces- Occupation: mannequin. Source of income: mysterious. Arrested once, by a sheriff with a documented drinking problem, and hence your release—you’re worth 50,000 francs, alive and dead. Just like Schrodinger. Btw, questions are doors to windows of truth. "Truth", in quotes as you can hopefully see because of the gray scale that is our foggy perspective. Picture in your mind that you are part of a noir film scene in which one actor does a bad french accent and the other an insulting chinese one: this is the croissant shaped finger puzzle you are caught in. The answer is to relax and breathe, and the puzzle will solve itself through the will of your fishy soul and the multiverse. You’re welcome. Go. Now. Speed your plow.