Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                               

♈ Aries –Hey, I been there, man. It would indeed be really really frakking awesome if you were in possession of a futuristic death ray gun that shoots vaporizing lasers at your enemies, or that yappety mutt next door, that barks 24/7, I mean my god, is my neighbor freaking deaf? But before you head down to the lab to build either a time machine or probably more simply, a death ray gun—Shite, wait! You invent a death ray gun and you patent the crap out of that Death Ray Gun®, or DRG®…Yeah, I like that way sounds, way more than using it as a metaphor for your unresolved anger issues, blah blahddy blah blah, right? No, man, this is your ‘scope: Lab, then Death Ray Gun—get creative! And get stinking rich. Then spend the money on restricting gun rights. Do this, it’s a moral imperative that you build the world’s first DEATH RAY GUN®, other than the one the military has.

♉ Taurus –Been feeling stuck at a glacial pace, wearing boots of lead, slogging through liquid kryptonite? Have you considered taking off the boots and flying away from the kryptonite, which really has no effect on regular humans, but I believe you can fly, not literally, but in a metaphoric higher dimension, maybe one in which there were no boots…at all? Wtf? This week, relax and take your shoes off and put your feet back on solid earth, and reconnect with Mamma Gaia. Lose the boots and c’mon home!

♊ Gemini –Caveat lector number one: let the reader beware, of whatever nonsense follows this sentence, that blowing smoke up a Gemini’s ass has a fifty fifty shot at ending with burnt feelings and charred clothing that will never lose that terrible smell, and you’ll just have to throw it away, even though, maybe it was your lucky jacket, but maybe it was just that jacket’s destiny to catch fire a little. Jeez, calm down, and spend some dough on a good massage, or better, a whole day of massage and tenderizing, because this life tain’t easy, son! You deserve a minimum one day of being coolly sublime all over yourself.

♋ Cancer –Holding one’s proverbial fire is no easy task for a crabby water sign, amid roiling seas under a drenching Piscean sun, and approaching an earthy Virgosian full moon, especially right after Mercury finally stopped reversing things, and shite, now Mars goes backwards. And Saturn too, all in one damn week. But the Dr. Pants posits this wildly unfounded science to your face: These cycles are perfect for crabby crabs. Imagine all of space, all the ‘verse as a giant ocean, our blue diamond in the rough, awash in cosmic tides and movements of even bigger outer space crustaceans. Enjoy the flow.  

♌ Leo –Baby steps are so infantile and wussy. And frak all, it’s time for action. Roar. Double ROAR, and move out the way, cause it’s time to groove, baby. I, the Dr. Pants posit this to be your course of Hulk smashing fiery oral goodness: first, go to the place where you store your clean clothes. Then find your favorite pair of boogie pants, that you’ve neglected for no decent reason, and probably press them, cause we like nice things, right? And then, put those bad boys on, buy some Bee Gees music and get funky. Maybe don’t even wear a shirt. Just your favorite pants, I’m guessing it’s the ones with the most comfortable crotch. Yeah, kitten—it’s roar time.

♍ Virgo –Posit: even though Virgo is an earthy sign, what type of earth are you? Hell, you may have been ocean bottom at some point—that’s land too, maybe you’re underwater land! But wait, I’ll twist your ‘scope a bit more to port, and charge that you are currently in a pleasant state of earth surrounding a river, part of you moving along with it, earth in flux, as it moves from mountain to sea and then deeper still. A river not only runs through the mysterious It, you and river are one. Rivers always take you somewhere cool and eventually, back home. Keep up the cool flowing vibe.

♎ Libra –In no time at all—whatever that paradigm is like, it will be equinox, new moon in Aries, and soon after a full moon in Libra. Fiery Justice is on the way to your face, and an Aries sun will cause unexpected and resounding sweet fortune, as well as tinder for your fire, which currently rides the waves till we make landfall, and on it, altitude and pressure changes, and the possibility of a spark and a bonfire and starsgazing®, whilst you mingle with your constellular other self. For now, just focus on filling your sails, and get to the crow’s nest and keep watch. Talk to some dolphins and whatever, but pray for land.

♏ Scorpio –You are so not the type of internet ruffian that would purposely spam anyone, even if they deserved it. Well…maybe if they deserved it. Odds are there’s no justice in whatever the hell heaven is, so maybe sometimes, you dish it out a little yourself, what’s the harm? You’re people led by reason and fairness, right? You’d serve up justice in an equitable and poetic way. Give ‘em up to the possibly almighty the same way Chaplin did that psychotic german creep. You’re money, baby and you don’t even know it. My point is, is, use your brain, not your right hook and Jack Johnson. And spam not one living soul, unless it’s for perceived good.

♐ Sagittarius –Okay, we all get that you are raring to go, pretty much 24/7. And that’s cool, and hey—it’s merely one of your myriad talents. And in the time of a Piscean sun, just weeks away from alchemically mutating into fire and action verbs, and enough of this sloshing around a seemingly inconsistent ocean, praying landfall and dry underwear, and hopefully some real opportunities to bust some heads, in a spiritual sense of course. For now, you’re Captain Nemo, relegated to the underseas till equinox next. Take this time to sharpen your arrows and practice your aim.

♑ Capricorn –Okay, so you’ve been playing the flugelhorn brilliantly, and gosh, we’re all so impressed, but Dude, it’s time to move on. Learn some flute, maybe xylophone it up a little. Get a strong plastic bucket and some drum sticks. Your mind has been too long, some might say obsessively so, vivisecting yourself to fix this one key change, that in your head has made sense, but now seems monotonous and full of ennui. Elevation change, my fine goat footed friend. Fine some altitude, and remodel your attitude, Dude. And maybe take some bongos, or an oboe.

Aquarius ♒ -The time of the Piscean sun is one composed of many things, but today’s topic is the weird logic of creative Piscean thinking. The Dr. Pants has discovered their science, check this shite: they just think of stuff, usually wack-a-doo type stuff and, just right frakking there, they create it. We Aquarii tend to just think about stuff some more, usually till we’re exhausted or too drunk. We’re an emotional wreck in the hesperusian® ilk. While we have this sun, go farther than the brain pan and actually invent some wack-a-doo thingamabob, and in a jiff, Bob’s your uncle, and you’re either back in Kansas or back where all the action is—whichever you prefer. Rest the paralysis from over analysis. Whatever you make—I guarantee, it’s gonna be genius. 

♓ Pisces –Pisces is water, and ergo I posit this wild speculation: known as the universal solvent, water has many forms, from glacial ice ages of stored knowledge and jet cooling abilities, to marianasian® trenches of water pressurized to near absolute zero—no, that’s not a new vodka, calm down…my point is, is, have a genius birthday, and take a dip in your tank, grok your status, and share with us your magic water—I further posit that Pisces are basically supporting humankind’s entire al- and just regular chemical lives with their innate empathetic and soulful action. Happy fuckin’ birthday, you cad, you rakehell, you bounder, you!