Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –How clever one surmises themselves to be, is usually inversely proportional to the actual level of clever that others opine about you. And IQ tests are so 20^th century. Posit: there are roughly a million people with your birthday. Same day, same year…you’re not that unique, à la le FightClub, his name was Robert Paulsen, and etcetera. What does our future hold?? Crikey, our pov might be infinitely diverse, regardless of clever level. For now, find your favorite sugar blast and feed it face-wise, and relish in the moment that Vishnu asks your permission, even though she/he/it isn't obligated to do so. Breathe. Birthday and spring time are but a week away. 

♉ Taurus –Your upcoming and imminent sugar blast, both literal and metaphorical is the S’more. What a country! We live in a world where the s’more is ubiquitous and universally loved. For now, eat of the s’more. Be the s’more that you’ve been holding uncooked in your heart and mind. Get to the store and stock up on the necessaries, because there’s an Aries equinoxical bonfire of the vanities on our horizontally rounded earth’s horizon. Stoke the flames inside and out and prepare thyself for exquisite oral and spiritual delight. It’s both spring and s’more time. 

♊ Gemini - If you think about it, air—or atmo, endows our eyes with definition. In fact, evolving our eyes in conjunction with air. For those of us blessed with sight, we see the world and re-act to the information of light.  We translate that data and coagulate reality into our current samsara. We, the air, the atmo—we shape light and bend it to our wills, as well as ironically polluted and brilliant sunrises. We are the bridge between what is real and what is factionalized accounts of what might be, because of color and refraction and span and breadth of consciousness. This week, BE the light, for we travel in waves and photonic genius. Be the rods. Be the cones.

♋ Cancer –Occasionally, the crabby crabs are prone to high falutin’ behavior, reminiscent of the odious and occasionally beheaded french aristocracy, possibly due to an impending full moon in the friendly sign of Libra, all scaly and serpentine, and water-gasmic despite a whiff of air apparent and epigenomic extra-dimensional activities. And soon, an equinox—equal night and day—planet-wide and ubiquitous, for a sliver of a moment, before we rotate on to the next ineffable incandescence. Friendly waters lie ahead. For the “time being”, sail forthright and bold, and enjoy the waves.

♌ Leo – Posit: there be, amidst temporal floes, moments of calm and recessitude, before storms and post trauma, anticipatory of things to come, betwixt the memory of times gone by, amidst a massive multiversal tidal flow. That said, it’s almost Aries sun time, your fellow fire sign and partner in crime, and while I’m not saying you’re going to need bail money, it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to plan ahead. The weather is ripe for streaking, good natured hooliganism and positive skullduggery. This week, get sleep, cause after this equinox next, there’ll be no sleep, till Brooklyn.

♍ Virgo –So, in the awesome movie, 2010—the Dr. Chandra character has another computer besides HAL, he’s got SAL, and whiles this titillates my own sci-fi nipples, the reason this involves your ‘scope is because I never realized that SAL was voiced by Candace Bergin, who if ya don’t know, was a powerful lady in the old H-wood. Sexy mamma with a throaty raspy, hump me in the 80’s kind of voice. Shite, where was I? Oh yes, your ‘scope and future: You’re neither HAL nor SAL—you’re Dr. Chandra—you’re brainy and oddly sexy, as well as loyal, prickly and forthright. Enjoy these last days of Piscean waves/particles/& god-licious solar-ific moments. Aries vibes are afoot and nigh on the horizon.

♎ Libra –Check this posit: you have 16 great, great grandparents. It took 8 couples to successfully invent you. Ere that, you have 32 great, great, great grandparents—16 couples that had to mate successfully to manifest the likes of you. And 64 great, great, great, great's and so on...it's like a big human orgy spreading out thru time. We’re humping our way through the multiverse—which is awesome. Posit: If you believe we’re NOW in some literal Age of Aquarius—that we’ve been through before, several times over the course of our spinning blue rock, how much stuff has come before us?, seemingly in order to create this present moment, amd you along for the ride in the fabled cat bird seat of your juicy juicy mind drippings? Weird shite, right? Ponder and order pizza.

♏ Scorpio – I, the Dr. Pants might be scientifically atheist. That said, whatever still exists epigentically within and abound me, I’m likewise likely to be equally spiritually rich and divergent—despite outward appearances, both thrice, devout and pious and heartfelt. It’s been writ in many a text: If you have hate in your heart, you can never truly be christian, nor muslim, nor of any faith, for the pitfall is this: belief is a challenge to dissect, due to that pesky observational bias and unduly influencing of your own future. But, if faith is inherited, perhaps it’s likewise inescapable. Coming soon: you will decide what is right and what is merely an illusion. For now, chillax and have a burrito.

♐ Sagittarius –This one particular cycle, that of our sun and giver of life, till one day she’s goes nova and radiates the crap out of us—for the next week shines through a morass of deep Piscean feelings, and that’s cool and all, but can we please just get to the next phase of the cycle, ruled by a fellow fire signed sun, and eager as frak to get shite moving, on a cosmic and hopefully dangerous spiritual path? Adventure time is close enough to taste, the equinox is nigh and we’re about to burst into flames and springtime energy floes. Hold tight, it’s almost bonfire time. Buy s’mores. 

♑ Capricorn –Capricornios, especially those born well into January, from the Dr. Pants’ pov anyway, seem to be filtering their understanding of the world through layers of sedimentary rock, that create logic out of a chaotic soup that is this massive cosmic ocean, not always suited to watery goats like you’s guys. The layers, once molten and recycled deep within earth’s bowels, as we’ve cooled for lo these mere millions of years, all this frakking time—the story is about the how of what came before—which might tell us abut the future, and definitely tells us about how things work. For now, till equinox next, WALK the Earth and BE the KUNG FU. Sedimentary dreams.

Aquarius ♒ -We Aquarii have been known, of a random and far flung whim, to be considered strange and aloof, and constantly interrupted by overflowing thought patterns. We’re idea generating machines, usually unrestrained, at times perhaps even too erratic to be judicious, in a world that constantly shape shifts, and folds new developing realities over and over and in on themselves ad infinauseum®. But this week, all you have to do is breathe. Breathe our intellectual air, big deep belly breaths, and relegate la paralysie de l'analyse for a farther time than the NOW, when the sun will shine with fire and prod our wheeled hamster. This week, don’t be the hamster. Or a lemming. Just breathe.

♓ Pisces –Finally—we’re almost through with the Nolan-ish and dreamy Piscean inceptive sun, and nigh we’ll be on to Aries, and rebirth and fire and cognition and drive drive drive and bang bang bang, and stick that in your pipe and smoke the crap out of it! Hold Your Fire—yes, that’s the RUSH album I was going to ‘scope for you this week as we approach an Aries sun. But wait—no…Fly By Night. Yes—find this album if you’re disfamiliar, and hear its spirit. It is a battle cry to herald the coming sun. In meantime, happy continued birthday, you marvelous bastard.