Dr. Pants McTurd's
MORE Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with
horror or scopes of any ilk)
♈ Aries –Posit: if the multiverse is in expansion
mode, then perhaps and also posit that: the speed at which consciousness
evolves also expands, even if only in ultra-micro-subatomic-nano-micrometers,
that even in our short lives, we bear witness to a noticeable increase in the
speed of evolution, and yet woe to our inescapable mortal ageism, decreasing
our physical ability to see and witness the wonder of worlds and parallel
universii® and life without end that exists forever and has always existed
forever, world(s) and universii® without end. But for now, ignore thy grammar,
and just bask and palaver in the photonic, yet tintinnabulational waves of an
Aries sun, Happy Birthday, and take no prisoners, take no shite! This, aka the
NOW, now, is YOUR time.
♉ Taurus –Okay, check this shite: everything might
be headed toward a butter fire, that’s ironically close to a hydrogen storage
facility, loaded with fireworks, as well as that weird clay stuff that blows
up, apparently just by attaching metal wires, and HEY—the Dr. Pants t’ain’t
neither astronaut, n’r argonaut, but we’s can tells thee truly and thusly: You
have achieved full frontal intimacy with a camera that only selects the most
beautiful parts of YOU. Your current astrological profile is resplendent with
positive change, as well as the endowment of hope toward a most prosperous
future, devoid of negativity, and free of useless guilt. Success, success, and
yes—success.
♊ Gemini –Everyone has their crack. For some it’s
actual crack. For some, it may be gambling and philandering, or chocolate and
porn. For others it may be snowboarding, or sending explicit love letters to an
inveterate windbag like Rush Limbaugh, complete with semi-nude photos and
potential ideas for naughty things we could do together—it’s not technically
harassment, but it’s the least he deserves. Hell, for some people, and other
twats like him, that jerk is their
crack! Crack comes in many more forms other than powder, or a smokeable
derivate. Quit your crack, cleanse now, birthday soon.
♋ Cancer –This might seem a tad off schedule for
your taste, but due to global warming, various offline temporal snafus and
planetary retrograde action, this ensuing week is your Lent, even if you’re not
Catholic, or even Jewish, nor neither Tasmanian. Your solar renewal took a big
leap with the recent equinox, but before we reach water and shoreline and life
itself climbing out of the surf, we’ll be passing thru fire and afterwards
earth, and then air and the inception of meaning. Qed: Water is born of fire
and air and earth. Interesting. Ponder this shite, and go Lent! Forswear
something, even temporarily, that you believe is vital, and change your brain.
♌ Leo –Fyi and full disclosure: I’m en route to
the store as you read this, to buy a big jar of peanut oil, the jello shots I
made last night—you’re gonna love ‘em, they’re strawberry liqueur and cake
batter vodka, so they’re like strawberry shortcake shots! And we’re in
strawberry season, almost, so the jello is extra fresh! Anyhoo, once we regain
consciousness, and de-oil ourselves—a surprisingly lengthy and annoying process
btw, once we’re all refreshed and new, then we do it again. Oh, and by the by,
the second set of jello shots has rufie in them. Spring has sprung, and now we
ride.
♍ Virgo –So anyhoo, out past the orbit of Saturn
are these rocks, an asteroid field, bunch on non conformists that either couldn’t
form their own planet, or was a planet that just couldn’t keep it together, and
the royal WE (cough—Planetary Society, cough, conspiracy!) have named them
centaurs, and some of them probably do resemble horses, as to what percentage
shouldn’t be discussed here—too many ears, am I right? That said, we recently
discovered one of these debris has its own ring system, like Saturn’s, on a
much smaller scale. My point is, is that the odds on a ring system being able
to survive amid total chaos, well it must be astrologic- and eco- nomically out
there, man! We’re not alone. Go now. Warn the Others.
♎ Libra –DESTROY, DESTROY!! But seriously, there is
something to be said of the Aries and Libra opposition, combining with
geometric expectations of opposites to be more alike than disparate, a
relationship with a free exchange of primordial ideas, mingling your
intellectually fiery air, and hopefully fueling Aries fiery ways and means,
with a smidgen of temperate and reflective wind to balance out their
unavoidable abundance of exuberance. The Dr. Pants doubts that you have to look
very far to find an Aries person in your life. Wish that person a happy
birthday, maybe even make out with her/him. It’s spring and it’s time to go
fishing for whatever you’ve been putting off.
♏ Scorpio –This week, the following posit: a thing,
most likely an idea, a light bulb, some deep seated action, a moment of pure
shock wave may leap at you from behind, let’s say…THAT DOORWAY! That one,
there! You’ll be fine, it’s probably just a trick of the light and shadow, and
probably magnetism is in there somewhere, so, this may temporarily throw you
off track, but under no circumstances are you to release pressure…not yet. This
Sunday starts a two week march to an Aries full moon. Wacky times and naked
climes, barreling us towards spring and rebirth and moving on, past all the useless
shite, that’s usually nothing more than a paltry and tedious distraction.
Explode!
♐ Sagittarius –I hope you’re wearing your fancy undies,
because this Sunday is an Aries full moon, the astrological new year, a fire of
creation so powerful, it leads us into spring and in a month’s time, roiling
and riled under a Taurean sun. We are approaching warp speed for the next
couple months, so sure make your shoes are comfortable, get your laundry done,
clean the bathroom, chop chop. The Dr. Pants wants you ready for action, at the
drop of a proverbial sombrero. The sun and moon are finally en fuego, en Aries.
Boom, boom, boom, and oh yes—boom.
♑ Capricorn –Hey there, handsome! Yes, you! Despite
your inner negative nancy and proverbially pragmatic nomenclature, YOU, yes
YOU, are eligible for the following upgrade: FREE WIFI! AND…hey, let’s talk—fer
reals, about stuff: (and this is private…you know what I mean) If anybody could
be right about everything, it would likely be a Cap. Okay, so that said: Box.
You inside box. Eat box. Poop out box. Explore deeply everything you can once
free of box. Come back. Maybe have a sandwich. Aries new moon on Sunday, and
we’re off to the races. Pick a mountain you’d like to climb and gear up.
Aquarius
♒ -Under an Aries
sun and as of Sunday, an Aries new moon, the royal WE, the Aquarii—regardless
of rising or chinese animal sign, and what the Dr. Pants eruditely refers to
as, the living example of the Cassandra Complex of the ever evolving zeitgeist,
WE, the Aquarii, blessed (?) with such foresight and intellectual autism, WE
exist inside a forge of intense heated and desirous penchant for more
knowledge, more data, and a fervent need that our transformational oast
transmogrify all of us into a more economically viable and blissful phoenix,
from the ashes of what we used to call ‘hope’. Now is GO time. Get ready to
unleash the mind, and prepare thyself to RUMMMBLE...!
♓ Pisces –You’re sassy and fancy pants, and I bet
you decline the need for underwear. You’re a lover of fine film and bold
anything. Attracting desire and empathy and sin is what you desire. Pity, the
world is so pragmatic and violent. Yet forsooth: if indeed ‘We are the music
makers, and We are the dreamers of dreams’, then
surely, your deeply entrenched Piscean dreams must be thoroughly potent, and
free ballin’ to the max. I casually and inadvertently float this posit: now,
under an Aries sun, is the time to plan inexplicably large, and hope for the
best. Create now, harvest later.
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