Dr. Pants McTurd's
MORE Than True Horror-scopes
pantsmcturd.blogspot.com
(not associated with
horror or scopes of any ilk)
♈ Aries – Happy continued
birthday, chum…p! The Aries ‘scope the week is replete and inundated and
ubiquitous with—Bill Shatner!...Born on the more or less first day of Aries,
right at the quincunx of water becoming fire, rebirth and s-explosions of never
say die Lionel Ritchie’s All Night Long! Approve of the Shatner or not, one
cannot deny the sheer exuberance of his career. He’s eighty something and still
going. Bill’s lived ten lives and it's only your envy that has kept you from even
the middlest of Shatnerian dreams. I dare you, to be as Aries as this macho
stud guy... BILL freaking SHATNER! Happy birthday, and be you Spock (also an
Aries!), or be you Kirk—just be.
♉ Taurus - There's a
product out there called Dump and Bake.
Yeah, that's the best they could come up with. Dump and Bake. Posits: 1: Operation Dump and Bake—the Movie! 2: Poop and Prepare-an odyssey, of sorts.
3: Really? You could afford to produce an infomercial, but not common sense?
This week, consider other potential branes of reality, where the what and why
of how you believe, may have better, more advantageous options. Choose wisdom
and elect to grow stronger. We are approaching HULK SMASH !
♊ Gemini –Now that we’re under an Aries sun and
riding a Chinese Horse across these here plains of samsarian existence, and
from now, up and through your upcoming birthday time, Geminis will find
themselves time travelling, back to Pre-Code Hollywood, where there were no
rules, no limits on what or how you could create and invent. These are golden
days for you, so take specific advantage of the intellectual and passionate
embrace of lawlessness and responsible, yet re– and e- ffulgent self
governance. Find and read an english translation of La Bamba. No soy marinero,
soy capitán.
♋ Cancer - It's a Bikini World. Not literally, but rather the 1967 beach party flick about love, sand
and farcical mayhem, the only one of its genre to be directed by a woman btw. A
beach oriented lothario finally meets a woman who says no to him, so he disguises
himself as his non-existent nerdy twin brother, to win her heart, and hopefully
her top and bottom. That said, the Dr. Pants is not suggesting you attempt such
tomfoolerous behavior to get what you want—the Dr. Pants is telling you pretend to be someone
else to get what you want—in a safe, preferably seaside way. Fake it till you
make it. Find another way to act, and see yourself through different eyes.
♌ Leo –It’s possible that if you catch a PBS doc
called My Life As A Turkey, starring
Joe Hutto, it may blow your freaking mind, end your meat eating ways, and
possibly recover some of your large intestine’s former glory. I won’t bore you
with how literal it is that we are what we eat—you’ve studied. Full disclosure,
the Dr. Pants is a carnivore currently—but mostly fish and chicken—so this may
sound dickishly hypocritical, but right now is a great time for the king of the
jungle, THE Carnivorasaurus—LEO the Lion, A perfect time, for you to go
veggie—not vegan, let’s be reasonable, and maybe slightly pescatarian, you—LEO,
need to go veggie, go veggie, go veggie, for at least one week. It will cleanse
your bowels, teeth, and mind. Go VEGGIE!
♍ Virgo –Note: while reading this ‘scope, the Dr. Pants suggests using your best
British accent: Can I get a quantum of solace? No, that’s a bucket, I want a
quantum of solace. No, that’s a thimble, a quantum is much smaller. No now,
that’s a rubbish truck, I said much smaller, perhaps infinitely so. And that is
a pram of solace. Easey peasey, bob’s your uncle and bingo bango bongo—quantum
of solace! You’re giving me a hurricane off the coast of Asia, and all I want
is a single bleeding quantum of solace! (Ok you can drop the accent—surprisingly
good job btw) The Dr. Pants’s point is, let’s be reasonable: solace is over
rated. Go out and find yourself, and ne what you’re like. Soak up the flavor
country and think bigger than previously thunk.
♎ Libra - The Dr Pants is
not here to tell you that you're a Jedi. You're not. However, during a blazing fusional
Aries sun, the closest you will come to Jedi status is the incandescent and
eternal NOW, not unironically, now—like NOW, which = the actual now of this moment.
Air signs can breathe fire. You are a dragon in the first peak of your spring season.
Six months from now—a new NOW btw, will be a Libran sun and you will shine on
your Aries brethren a prism’d Libran light, balanced and equine and fleet of
foot. Put on your favorite pants and grab your light saber, for it’s time to
ride, NOW.
♏ Scorpio –It’s the year of the horse, which means
it’s time to ride. Right now, we’re under an Aries sun that in a few weeks will
transmogrify us into a Taurean ball of fire, morphing our steed into one that
breathes fire for breakfast and is capable of carrying us safely through the
Taurean underworld—your favorite devil’s playground, your equal and opposite
sign. For now, soak up the rays of renewal and spring before we delve into
other more unearthly realms. Enjoy this samsara of the waking world. Soon our
journey will be weird, wild and wooly. But for now, your immediate ‘scope is
all light and all right. You can cross the river later, downstream.
♐ Sagittarius –The Dr. Pants is guessing that right about
now, you’re knee deep in some fiery situations both at home and abroad. Spring
has sprung under an Aries sun, your fellow friendly fire sign, and if you like
your astro news with an Asian flavor, it’s also the year of the horse. This
whole year is bound to be huge for Sag. So if you’re feeling knee deep,
embroiling and skewered, get on your high horse and get your ass out of the
morass. The weather is perfect to explore new vistas under your self impelling
horse power. It’s a divine and equine time to ride.
♑ Capricorn -At first glance,
Capricorn and Pisces seem to be an odd mix... neither have self control over
the exuberant exaltations of their existences, sloppy feely feelings all over
the place, emotions all hither, thither and yon... and yet both maintain a kind
of control over their intellectual collective selves, like they know what's up,
that this is all samsara, and it’s about what you do—the actions you take, and
the philosophies you both espouse and hope to engender. Weird, but copasetic
elemental mish mash—water and earth. Find a Pisces and kiss them on the mouth
like you mean it.
Aquarius
♒ -The following
phrase is suspect of the trickery of multiple definitions and uses—and by that,
the Dr. Pants is more than implying that this phrase is a paragon of virtuous
multiversal symmetry, especially ‘mongst the Unified Fielders®, so, consider
this and posit thus: The devil lies in the details.
Firstly, if you’ve never heard this phrase, grow up and find Google. Secondish,
despite the likes of one Gustav Flaubert and his mot juste-ing all over the place, does an ever expanding understanding of the multiversal
consciousness mean that obsessing over detail is probably infinitely
impossible? And third-basely—or does the devil lie, prevaricate, and make shite
up as a means to an end…in an endless multiverse? Ponder, and make plans for
mobilization and manipulation of forces previously considered uncontrollable.
Like springtime, the game is afoot and aflame!
♓ Pisces - At first glance,
Pisces and Capricorn seem to be a weird mix... neither have self control over
the exuberant exaltations of their existences, sloppy feely feelings all over
the place, emotions all hither, thither and yon... and yet both maintain a kind
of control over their intellectual collective selves, like they know what's up,
that this is all samsara, and it’s about what you do—the actions you take, and
the philosophies you both espouse and hope to engender. Weird, but copasetic
elemental mish mash. Find a Cap and kiss them on the mouth like you mean it.
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