Dr. Pants McTurd's
MORE Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with horror or scopes of
any ilk)
♈
Aries
–Under the current regime of invigorating Taurean sunshine, it’s best to visit
some beliefs that have been swimming in our gene pool, much longer than atheism
has existed. The Dr. Pants posits that it’s time to go for a widdershins nine times around your favorite golden calf,
statue of Elvis, or if you feel really old fashioned, an actual church. A
widdershins btw is movement in the opposite direction of the apparent path of
the sun. Astrologically the earth is new right now. Find your favorite fairy mushroom
ring and invoke some magic. Nine times. Appease the faerie queen, and she will
loose your desires upon the world. Go anticlockwise.
♉
Taurus
–In honor of nerds everywhere, and your
birthday time, it’s time to pick your favorite super hero, and then literally
become that super hero, and then defeat all the evils of this too oft mundane
world. Personally the Dr. Pants favors the Hulk. At his core, he's a man
divided, and on the surface he's indestructible. The angrier he gets, the
stronger he becomes. He's literally unstoppable. And he doesn't bother anyone
till someone bothers him. And he's green. And in far better shape than the
actual Dr. Pants. There's a wide array of heroes these days. Take a hint from
the WonderCon world and maybe even dress in your favorite spandex and show us
what you got. Power way up and go green and—Happy Birthday, you rakish cad.
Gemini ♊-You are
a twangy charmer, and the Dr. Pants believes that soon, your mouth and the
mouth of your "true" soulmate will meet in a determined and
advantageously sexual way that transmogrifies the two you into a blossoming
flower, reminiscent of an age when plants ruled the earth—humanity’s true
forbears, that evolved from one celled engines, just eating and moving, and after
several billions of millennia of cooling starfire bang bang big bang style.
Plant a kiss, and relish the gathering vine entwining bliss.
♋
Cancer
- Btw, it's odd that reminiscent has the word
scent in it. That said, it’s springtime under a loving, if tempestuous Taurean
sun, and life is burgeoning across the northern hemisphere of this here
floating mass of still cooling fire and star stuff, and here we are awitness
and full frontally seated to the whole apple pie ala mode with a Percocet on
top! That said, there’s lots of sweetly scented action en route to your face,
as we aspire to solstice and your birthday and full on summer lovin’. The Dr.
Pants is not endorsing coasting nor lollygagging—there’s much to be done, and
many to be palavered. But for now, you are a dynamo, a juggernaut and gamma
ray-riffic.
♌
Leo
–For the next week, the first week of a friendly Taurean sun, you, the royal
YOU btw, have the power of Greyskull. You posses the strength of Lou Ferigno,
and the eyes of Hawkman, I guess—or Eagle Eye, or John Malkovich in In The Line
of Duty—solid thriller from a pre 9/11 time, when Eastwood was still shooting
bad guys with big ass guns. My point is, is that lionesque Leo and charge
charge Taurean bullishness is pro bono and no sorpresa, mucho en fuego and muy
más macho. We’re all counting on you to light it up—it’s time, and you are the
light switch.
♍
Virgo
– Btw, it's odd that reminiscent has the word
scent in it. That said, it’s springtime under a loving, if tempestuous Taurean
sun, and life is burgeoning across the northern hemisphere of this here
floating mass of still cooling fire and star stuff, covered ironically with an
ocean full of salt—the old NACL to the hizz-ouse(sp?), and here WE are, THE
ROYAL WE awitness and full frontally seated to the whole apple pie ala mode,
avec le melted fromage, with a pretty little Percocet on top! The year seems
young—inspire and breathe deep the gathering blessings of all favorable
futures. Oh—and don’t forget, dream of large women. You have the power.
♎
Libra
- Sleep is an evolutionary advantage that the
Dr. Pants posits is a result of safety in numbers, a burgeoning intellect, and
an expanding utilization and dominance of resources. Cooperation is indeed
advantageous. As we level the odds of a stable future—fingers crossed anyway,
since chaos and entropy have a nasty habit of ruining parties and picnics, The
Dr. Pants further posits that we have somehow EARNED sleep, and that has allowed
evolution and environment to get together, orgy shite up and create dreams,
REM, and Chris Nolan. This week, take permission to nap and regenerate—the
future is fraught with fascinating late night fun. Gear way up.
♏
Scorpio
–Some people, and even places are energy
monsters, not just in comic books, but many in literal mojo sucking form, and
possibly because that's how they were taught to go thru this 'verse, and
somehow how they’re diseased rather than culpable, but narytheless, the laying
or plying of blame never gets anyone laid, am I right? Well, sort of...the
human race is pretty diverse…my point is, is that it’s the time of the Taurean
sun, your opposite yet equal, old and relatively new energy mirroring one another,
a duo that rides from heaven to hell and probably back again as if it were mere
a postal route. And furtherly consider that fire literally becomes earth, over
time. To turn a phrase: Grok your opposite. What you glean will enlighten.
♐
Sagittarius
–I hope you’ve been studying your lines because this week, you’re be starring
in a long overdue remake of Smokey and the Bandit. You’ll be acting the role of
Bo “Bandit” Darville, adventurer, bootlegger and driving enthusiast. Now, the
Dr. Pants knows you need an oil change, but this week, forget your innards and
keep focus on your outwards. Project thyself into the world, and resound with
the power of knowledge plus action equaling freedom from litigious oppression
and recently outlawed justice. Let your fire be a beacon, and enlighten the
world.
♑
Capricorn
- The Dr Pants posits thusly: that we are only
modulating the current state of the art, according to temporal customs and
norms, and that the speed of the ship of state increases via Moore's
Law—exponential to the hizzle, yo… as in the speed of tech, which doubles like
every 18 months, but even that number probably increases over time, resulting
in massive societal changes over shorter and shorter periods of time. Posit:
perhaps the same way the Neanderthals went—up against a superior species, fueled
by a massive tech increase, and quite possibly intentionally subsuming and
intermarrying an entire species—apparently advantageously so. In re original
posit: as is your modus operandi, keep making the world yours, under the care
giving eyes of a Taurean sun, the first and foremost of earthly signs. Seek
thou thy kin and extend and extemporize your sweet state of the art.
Aquarius ♒ -EasterPassover in LA seems like a shallow event compared to
the midwestern America or the southern, or pretty much anywhere but the west
coast—which is the coast with the mostest, fer sure, what with the immense
diversity on avail, from all parts of the globe, including the native Los
Angleans. Angelians. Angelenos. No, still sounds wrong. Anyhoo, regardless of
origin, this time of year with multiple names and histories, is refulgent with
energy. Take use of it, the earth is literally gaining speed, and atilt at a
selfishly sunny disposition. Life is on sale and you have max credit. Spend
lavishly on yourself, because why the frak not? Banks were designed and implied
to be broken.
♓
Pisces
–I hope you’ve been studying your lines because this week you will be starring
in one of Hwood’s most overdue remakes, John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little
China. Possible retitle: BT in the LC. Yo. You’ll be playing the part of Jack
Burton, adventurer, rig jockey and lover of women from Sex and The City. Lo Pan
is on the loose, and something has really pissed in his bonnet, and it’s up to
you to modernize and de-racify this movie and have sex with at least one Sex in
the City actress, or actor, preferably in a graphic HBO style that implies
intellect as well as engorged genitalia. Suit up, we ‘re all counting on you. This
remake could remake everything…
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