Dr. Pants McTurd's
MORE Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with
horror or scopes of any ilk)
♈ Aries –It’s still your birthday time, so here’s a
gift: get on the interwebs and google ‘kangaroos fighting’, and you will discover what your week is about to explode into. And yes
there's science to it, but damn--it's hella entertaining. It's like no one gets
hurt...just embarrassed. There might even be a future for you in kangaroo
kickboxing. Tue is a full moon in your buddy Libra’s house of reflected light
and this is your impending week: trying to box with really small arms, super strong
legs, a lot of spit, and in the end probably a big fat draw. Use your tail for
balance and spread tales of your multiple marsupial victories.
♉ Taurus –One more week of this Aries sun nonsense,
and we will glide from fire into earth, into a Taurean sun, with the power of
the bull to enforce stable loving energy on this chaotic evolution of crude
matter. So just chillax, birthday time is on its way. Until then, Tue is a full
moon and an eclipse, and it should be a doozy and a dilly of a pickle. The Dr.
Pants advises all those with the blood of the bull to rest up, enjoy the light
show, and prepare for a stellar time. The market is about to get quite bullish.
♊ Gemini –Just a heads up, Pluto, former planet and
god of the underworld, is about to go retrograde. Just thought you’d like to be
awared and thus prepared. Btw, planets or even their dwarven brethren, don’t
actually move backward, at least not in this ‘verse. Their orbits are so long
compared to ours that at certain times of year appear to be moving backwards.
Point is, is that a minor planet, that wasn’t even discovered by humans until
1930, but yet named for the chthonic god of the underworld, is going to reverse
course—kinda. Who knows what strange things might escape his afterlife and stop
in for an earthly visit. Fear no thing, but keep eyes and ears peeled and
pealed.
♋ Cancer –Astronomically
speaking, we only see the past. Due to great distances red shifted light energy
shows us what has already transpired, what has already happened millions upon
millions of years ago. Posit: we study the skies, which show us the past, in
the hopes of ascertaining the future? Wait, whaaa? Where the frak is Isaac
Newton when you need him? Probably sleeping one off, am I right? The Dr. Pants’
point is, is that the future is only our best guess, and absolutes exist only
in the minds of wishes, which if they were horses, then all beggars would ride.
For now, make choices, regret nothing and breathe deep the gathering oceans of
ether.
♌ Leo –This week, find
a Libra, or rather they'll probably hunt your lionesque loins down. Be a nice kitty,
and show deference. This atmospheric feline is as powerful as you, but in a
different arena. She is a tiger of the air and she can, if she so desires, fuel
your fire in a most profound way, a ferocious fount of shite you didn't
previously think possible--a force greater than even you. The approaching Libra
full moon on Tuesday will be a double doozie, a loony lulu, and possibly like a
bat shit crazy antelope hopped up on the drugs. This week, stay wary, maybe
grab a metaphorical cudgel, and walk softly like an angel. Let Libra the Lion
lead the way.
♍ Virgo –Soon you will achieve the level of
gravedigger, and be able to bask in the riches of a well deserved—wait a tick, grave robber, yes yes, I meant grave robber.
You will soon be a professional grade grave robber, steal lots of treasure and
retire to the good life in either Boca, or Santa Fe. Odd that spellcheck
doesn’t correct gravedigger, but separates grave robber… Anywho, my point is,
is that you are about to become infamous. Wield this power creatively, and for
a worthy end to justify the potentially tawdry, bawdy and sultry means.
♎ Libra –This whole week is all about you, you sexy
freak with perfect hair, and a strut that says, back off, hipster douche, and
take your 70’s themed thrift store purchases with you. Tuesday is a full moon
and eclipse—in Libra. A sun draped in Aries fire lights up our side of the moon
that will then beam reflected Libran light all over the galaxy, drenching earth
with knowledge you’ve been selfishly obsessing over until you’re sure it’s
perfect. This week, drop the perfectionism, take ‘em out, dust ‘em off, and
let’s ride.
♏ Scorpio –Your Scorp ‘scope for this week has to do
with full moons and eclipses and tectonic cooling. We’re under an Aries sun, a
sign of fire that usually works well with Scorps, maybe because both signs use
their astrological powers to transform themselves and surrounding energy fields
into whatever your wackadoo brains are cogitating over and whatever your huge
hearts are feeling. The earth began as fire, and is still cooling under
continents of rock and oceans of immense weight and pressure. Tuesdays’ full
moon and eclipse might use their gravity to bring fire to the surface. Presto
and/or change-o.
♐ Sagittarius –The Dr. Pants has tracked multiple
accounts of Sag’s walking into doors, usually of glass, shattering their egos
ever so slightly and bruising a few noses. Posit: Sag is like future fire. You’re full of shite that hasn't even been imagined yet,
but that probably will happen, cause fire is a creator. The Big Bang--as we
call it now, is fire from nothing. And further, you are the eldest of fire signs,
the most (cough) mature. Everything begins with fire. You are akin to the
"original" energy that "began" our existence, our
Prometheus, if you will. Steal the fire of a fresh Aries sun. Now is the time of Kush, from the Hindu region of space. Blaze, embolden
and embiggen.
♑ Capricorn - We evolve at a
speed in direct proportion to the speed at which our environment changes.
There, I said it. Posit: since the speed of technology increases exponentially,
are we not due for some massive leap in deoxyribonucleic acid technology, making us
telepathic, or telekinetic, or maybe just mutants who can teleport? The Dr.
Pants is super ready for that shite. The Dr. Pants also believes you’re due for
a free upgrade to a higher level of tech savvy. And if you respond in the next
ten minutes, you’ll also receive the superpower of your choice. Think big and
dream ever epically.
Aquarius
♒ -Apologies—the
Dr. Pants has been waylaid with such frivolities like stupid equinoxii, and
wack alchemical changes from water into fire, and I know we’ve sorely needed
the Dr. Pants’ Pep Squad to arrive with positive spring news, so let’s get some
real shite brewing here, eh? First basely, WE are the DREAMERS and WE are the
DREAMERS OF DREAMS. Secondish, WE are AQUARII—the likes of Darwin, Mozart,
Galilee, and Dick Cheney (every basket has some bad eggs)…My point is, is that
it’s time to unleash—your inner WHOOPEE MACHINE, and lay waste all ignorance to
the roadside ditch, like a bag full of rotten lemons. Your instincts are pure
and golden and should be employed. Fear nothing, take no prisoners, nor take no
shite! Full moon with eclipse on Tuesday, and Pluto, former planet goes
retrograde on Monday. It’s time for us to invent a new science.
♓ Pisces - Ok, Pisces, you
fish—prepare for a rocking of your proverbial boat: the upcoming full moon on
Tue is potent like a nasty case of the down and dirty. It's the first full
lunation of the season, and your pants are about to be bowled over and blown
off. And here's the kinky truth: you will find yourself passionate about
something that might seem insane on the outside. However—it is spring and all
things new and inventive are currently trendy, hip and unavoidable. You have no
idea what's coming. It's wackadoo, probably bawdy and mos def sticky sweet.
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