Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries - We're all under the onus of the hugeness and magnitude of it all. The multiverse is beyond our ken, the numbers more massive than our ability to comprehend...or...our tech evolves at a faster rate than we can conceive, particularly as the brain ages. Neverthelesser®, we've arrived at yet another equinox—equal day and night, for the whole planet, for a brief second--and maybe for a moment, we'll all attain balance…as we transform from scattered watery Pisces light into arson prone Aries sun time, and in two weeks, a Libra full moon, and all will be perfect...for this one singular ever changing moment. Happy birthday, you hearty hornswoggling scalawag.

♉ Taurus –According to astrological lore, Taurus is the youngest of the three Earth signs, the most immature—in terms of experience, which the Dr. Pants likens to the idea of freshly birthed earth. Grok this posit: Taurean earth energy is most like fresh volcanism, a force wielding and building mountains and continents and Everests, out of sea and alchemistry® and cooling fiery blobs of earlier forms of cosmic god—lowercase g, -like energy. Today is equinox. A moment of recessitude® from the innate impossibility of it all. A new Aries sun is prepping Taurean Earth for yet another rebirth and infinite renewal.

♊ Gemini – These are reckless times, what with a post potent full moon, and today’s equinox, when wild energies can be released, from the sun empowered and eldest of ancient water signs, the doubly fishy Pisces—and hence into Aries—usually of the uncontained wildfire type. Alchemy dot awesome, right? But you’re an air sign, and here’s where the Gemini in our society come into play: as Earth’s massively hot energy cools over millions of years, and water finds the Earth, and soon after atmo, & breathable air—you, the air sign cools and tempers hot roiling seas and slowly sedimentizing volcanic assertions. That’s why your astrological partner is the Sag…balance AND creation. Equi-nox. Party accordingly.

  

♋ Cancer -That alleged green flash that many claim to have seen at sunset, but sure seems like bullshite combined with an over active imagination, and very little science to back it up? Maybe it’s like a four leaf clover—rare and chanced upon. Anyhoo, it’s coming. It’s en route to your unbelieving eyes, of a night where your mind will likely be elsewhere, pondering the secrets of dynamic inter-relationship betwixt you and another soul sibling with too oft pants that over-travel, who nonethewhattheless® will be returning with the spring equinox—which is today, the 20^th. So maybe for the next couple nights, soak up a sunset and plant your seeds of good fortune for the inbound solar new year. Cool shite is coming.

♌ Leo -In case you’ve come down with a slight case of murder on your proverbial hands, minds and/or crotches, I recommend standing down (odd phrase, right?), and desisting all aggressive responses until we get well past—like a solid couple of weeks past today’s equinox. That said, I recommend neither caution nor restraint, but rather the casual tossing of caution to the wind, and letting the breeze take you where it willeth(sp?). The zodiac is renewing itself, alchemically morphing & warping from water into fire. Be the fire from this watery presto change-o. Rebirth and transformative magic is nigh. It’s time. Leo SMASH. Leo, you SMASH now.

♍ Virgo –Hearken! Today is equinox! An alchemical change from sunshine filtered photons dissolving into the salty Lotus Lands of deep Piscean seas, and bursting into fire, with Promethean arrogance, an Aries sun, determined and oozing with liquid fire—flame so hot it would make a Big Bang look like an mere atom bomb test, like the fat plop of a raindrop landing in cake batter. That said, my posit is thus: to slipslide® into Virgo, we go from a fiery Leo sun into your cool jive talking Virginist vibe and the solar wind prevails in a more earthly direction. And after you, we coalesce from Virgin to the freedom of free flowing atmo, the graciousness of a Libran sun. Just sayin—new solar year, and the everlovin’ curse of living in interesting times. Hearken! This equinox bears irony as its shield. Pack accordingly. Save you it can.

♎ Libra –Okay, so you Librans, and Aries—your constellular opposite, own and school all fools this time of the year. As it orbits the sun this big old Earth, also tilts about 23° degrees to the north and south of the celestial equator, and today in fact, we’re halfway through that tilt, around 11.5°, and all the photons we receive will be equal all over The Planet Earth, while astrologically transmogrifying us from a watered down Pisces sun into the fire sign of Aries—your cosmic other. And the next full moon will shine thru a Libran sun. Prepare for explosions of orgasmic intellectual bliss trysts. 

♏ Scorpio –Check this posit: as of today, the equinox, we change from a watery Pisces ocean, deeper than even Scorp seas could dream of. Scorps dig energy out of the earth, as is your cosmic compliment, the Taurus—new earth, freshly birthed from roiling seas and a fiery molten core. But now we’re moving through your opposite transformation: from water into fire. This is birth, while yours may seem obsessed with death and Phoenixes and rising from tombs and whatnot. Near next equinox, we go your way: water to fire, Scorp to Sag. This week, merely try grokking your dynamic opposite, and yet equal. Transformation is the watchword, and there is no spoon.

♐ Sagittarius -Transformative is the watchword, do with it what you can. Tis equinox and freedom and springtime and release and renewal...except in reverse if you're an Aussie or otherwise latitudinally located, and then it would still be transformative, just in another direction, and yet equal and opposite, so yeah, TRANSFORMATIVE is the WATCHWORD. It's equal day and night for a mere second of a trillionth of a nanosecond. One of two biannual moments of balance and alleged harmony. My point is, is that now is the time to engender fortitude and imagination and fierce loyalty to one’s own moral code. Radical energy shift from water into fire. Walk apace to a calming heartbeat and drink in the ongoing alchemy. Its scope is beyond immense and a challenge for our ken.

♑ Capricorn –Amidst the currents of the current stream of the collective un- and sub- conscious(nes(es)…(sp?), today we pass through an equinox, equality of light on a global scale, for like a second probably, and then the earth keeps tilting south of the celestial equator, and thereby retrieving our sun in the name of the NORTHERN hemisphere and sending those down unda’ marsupial aussies back to a wintery hell. Who gets the sun now, huh?? North Hemi, yeah, represent! That said, a multiverse, unimaginatively large and for this one moment, a half a sec—equal light all over planet Earth. This week, consider the very, very large. Daunt you, it may, but let it not dissuade you from brainial expansionist opportunities. Springtime, and a level field of play.

Aquarius ♒ -Welcome to today’s equinox! Brought to you from a wobbly earth ball that tilts up and down as it orbits, warming both northern and southern hemispheres equally, allowing for a back and forth of energy that benefits all land masses and oceans with relatively equal favor—if only those pesky plates would stop drifting. Gaia is active on multiple levels and today is the balanced point betwixt an Aries sun and an upcoming scaly Libra full moon. The Dr. Pants challenges you to grok the energy shift from a slippery Piscean sun lit sea, to fire and spring and Aries and inspire-ation, breathing in the metaphorical first breath of life. Presto. Then, change-o. And voila.

♓ Pisces -Posit this equinox nigh as a metaphor: a brief moment in time, where our squiggly blue blob of a still partly molten rock, covered by water and shielded by air, has an all too brief existence in a flash of equanimity, a quick nanosecond where the current rotation of the Earth allows for mathematically and provably equal parts both day and night. Our orb tilts up and down, roughly at about a 23° angle to the ecliptic, hitting an equinox twice a year, around 11.5°, sharing sunshine equally planetwide—allegedly balanced and harmonized. Today begins a new solar year. Go make something worthy of it.