Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Future-Scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –We just hit equinox and new moon in Libra, which means She rises early in the morning and sets by dark, so we’re without her scaly light of justice & equanimity, albeit briefly. Our Moon rises about 50 minutes later each day btw—it’s math and it’s boring, but in two weeks is a full moon—in Aries btw, six months after the last equinox, beginning of Aries Sun times btw—each sign only gets one full moon per year, again it’s math—and as we build energy from the recent new moon to the full on the 8^th, She goes thru the six signs between Libra and you, half the zodiac, culm- and ful-minating to Aries energy. These two weeks should be right up your wheelhouse, leaving the Dr Pants with no choice but to advise all Aries to imagine all things you’d all love to see, embrace, entertain, embiggen, and endow as if they were easy targets and eager participants in what’s ostensibly all your show. (Also, perchance lay eyes on the Aquarius ‘scope below) 

♉ Taurus –Approaching a Mercury retrograde (Oct 4^th btw, for three weeks), many astrologers advise caution with documents, business, plane tickets, whatever stuff can and will likely go wrong according to Hoyle or Murphy. That said, the Dr Pants is a futurist & astronomer, so quick primer re the current astronomical skies: Mercury, formerly Hermes if you prefer Greek, aka the intercessor between mortals and the divine, and conductor of souls into the afterlife—yeah that guy, he moves into Scorpio on the 27^th, then goes retro, then goes back into Libra, then comes back into Scorpio in full later on in October. Scorp btw is your astro equal and opposite and often drunken bedmate, and this Scorp-Merc wackiness might find you repeating history, either for good, really good or too intense to repeat—that’s for you to decide.

♊ Gemini –The zodiac and all the signs are perhaps better imagined of as the path of the Sun across our ecliptic from our earthly pov, and as it moves thru the different symbols, animals, theories and elements She takes on the characteristics of those signs, which are also attuned and designed to follow the seasons here on Earth, which makes survival a tad easier, if us mere monkeys can predict the rainy season, or west winds that can carry us ‘cross seas to new fortunes and futures, hopefully inducing way more feasting and merry love making, preferably amid new jungles of thought, antiquity and frolicking peace. Currently, we just hit equinox and new moon in Libra—fellow air sign and prescriptor of a fairness first approach, and there’s some up and incoming Mercury retro issues, but till Oct anyhoo, breathe easy, which you should be adept at, and enjoy our late summer sun.  

♋ Cancer –Sure, we just hit equinox and a Cancer friendly Libra new moon—the Libran scales btw are a celestial shout out to Astraea, daughter of Zeus, personified by purity, innocence and justice—the same daughter of Zeus horrified at mankind’s rampant impurities and outright evils causing her to take to the stars—but the big news comes from your elder water sign, the Scorpion—sent to kill Orion btw—bow and arrow, very weird—and more specifically Mercury, aka Hermes, emissary of the gods, intercessor between mortals and the divine, and conductor of souls into the afterlife—yeah, that guy—he moves into Scorpio, then goes retrograde back into Libra, then gains speed and goes back into Scorp for a revisitation, a full revival meeting and most likely another round or six of drinks. Oct should be a wet and wild time. For now tho, enjoy the calm and comfoting seas of late soggy summer swells. Easy stars til Oct bears strange fruit.

♌ Leo –Great time to be a Leo—as always, am I right? Or am I right? We just hit equinox, momentary celestial balance and all that shite, as well as a new Moon in Libra, which foretells of a full moon in Aries in two weeks—a fellow fire sign, and the one with the most penetrable boundaries—fuck it, let’s start this fire! Cause why not, who else is gonna start it? Okay, maybe a Leo, yes you’re quick to light the match to any deserving tinder, especially if the ensuing chemical reaction is transformation, transmutation, trigonometry and a brand new way to get down that’s never before been envisioned. Quick posit: in order to remain top o’ the food chain, lions employ fleet footed imagination as a survival tactic——Big sky doin’s a-comin’ up in Oct, and your leonine imaginative insight will be needed asap and pronto. Meantime, let your mind go and everybody’s body will follow.

♍ Virgo – Be not worried yet wary, and know that the incoming staircases can be treacherous, so maybe stay close to the candles: 1) We’re now less than 2 weeks out from a full moon in Aries on the 8^th. 2) From our earthly pov Mercury and Scorpius will be doing some very odd dancing with no pants, as well as no apparent center of gravity or memory of recent events. October might feel backwards, forwards, upside down, inside out and downright funktastic, including bizarre reverse decisions and a return to paganism—all of which could hella go down before Halloween even gets here. 3) Pick your costume early, cause you’ll probably change your mind mid month, and most importantly, 4) rest easy til Oct, it’s summer and the livin’s still easy and reminiscent of hot dirty virginal Virgo Sun times. Til next month, the Dr Pants officially endorses Virgo chill time.

♎ Libra –Before we get on to your continued birthday times and naked sexy parties, quick primer on why the beginning of Libra Sun starts with the equinox—one of two times per year that the Earth has zero tilt, and we get equal parts day and night, light and dark on every part of the Earth: 1) libra, from latin and still used in mexican Spanish, is a unit of weight, 2) more scaly talk: your scales are cosmically upheld by the constellation Astraea, daughter of Zeus, personified by purity, innocence and justice, 2.5) the Dr Pants in no way implies your chastity should be comparable, and 3) Astraea fled mankind, after a barbarous Age of Iron a millenia and a half ago. 4): your equal and opposite and often bedmated sign is Aries—who also holds the equinox at his gate. Stuff to ponder—but cram it, Professor Pants! It’s your birthday, and hatches have been battened, so party on heartily, Wayne. Have all the cake and it too—all you touch and all you feel is sexual gold.

♏ Scorpio –More wacky, wet & wild celestial happenings: on the 27^th, Mercury—emissary of the gods, intercessor between mortals and the divine, and conductor of souls into the afterlife—yeah, that guy, aka Hermes, moves into Scorpio territory, which should be a hell of a ride all on its own, but not to let us down too easy, on the 4^th Mercury goes all retro, appearing to move backwards in the sky, which the little bastard does three times a year, and then on the 10^th, Merc goes back into Libra, and then back into Scorp later in Oct as it slips in for a full revisitation, revival meetings and most likely another round of drinks to celebrate the big waves of Scorp-Merc energy that in late Oct should have us all atwitter and atweet. There might be a method to your type of madness, so help us all thru the transistions, as is your usual purview, bailiwick and raison d'etre. Transistion, transmutation and titillation are approaching en masse and in waves, Captain.

♐ Sagittarius –The constellation Orion is based on this Greek, nee Babylonian dude, endowed with the greatest hunting skills pretty much ever—didn’t earn him a lot of points with eco concerned gods btw, so eventually they fixed him into the sky where he could only chase and never catch, and therefore never kill. That said, the Pleiades are a group of stars named for seven sisters, all daughters of the great Atlas, and before their induction into the heavens hall of fame, they often took the form of doves to escape such Orionic would be killers. That said, every Oct from an earthly pov, the seven sisters take flight from Orion and can be seen setting in the west, about to plunge into the misty unknown deeps, also btw a good time to dock your boat and get back to the land, it’s nigh winter in the nothern hemi, and Sag has mucho work to do—fire, redesign, then rebirth.

♑ Capricorn –Here’s some of the facts from our earthly pov: 1) on the 27^th, Mercury, emissary of the gods, intercessor between mortals and the divine, and conductor of souls into the afterlife—yeah, that guy, moves into the constellation Scorpius—the unkillable scorpion sent to kill Orion, the universe’s greatest hunter, 2) On the 4^th, the planet Merc will appear to moves backwards in our sky, retracing a path it’s already taken, 3) On the 10^th, it backtracks further into Libra where it’s also already been, 3) Then by Oct’s end Merc will appear forward once again in our sky and go back into Scorp, which it’s doing on the 4^th …again. 4) Time travel, wtf?? October may seem like cosmic hiccups, but the beauty is in the pov of the eyes of the beholder who differentiates between waves.  

Aquarius ♒ -Depending on your personal particular flavor of Aquarius vibe, now may be a celestial time of telecopes and lenses and seeing things askew and askance from normal purview. Check this shite: Mercury, aka Hermes, aka emissary of the gods, intercessor between mortals and the divine, and conductor of souls into the afterlife—yeah, that guy—he moves into constellular Scorpius on the 27^th, then goes retro on the 4^th, then goes back into Libra on the 10^th, then later after a drunken binge couple of weeks, goes back into Scorpio—interlocutor of the afterlife and all things sub rosa and sub conscious. Meantime, the Moon and Sun are rife with Libra and Aries fire and air, and hopefully the creation of a peaceful hegemony, a benevolent tyrant, who can cool the warming earthly climes and bring us together as one species, one tribe, one anything as long as it’s at least temporarily undivided, like love, like unabashed intersecting naked sexy times. For now, be a bonobo, surf these waves and consider the sheer breadth and depth of the endless cosmic ocean.

♓ Pisces –As always there’s more cool actual astronomy going on that may have symbolical bearing on your privates and personals, but it’s science and it’s boring, and let’s get to the next party, here’s the scene: it’s an end of summer beach party, bbq, sand fleas, unanticipated cloudy weather and a genuine wish for a return to spring, or a trip south of the equator where they’re celebrating the first of spring as we speak, and then—you’re alone on the beach, somehow it’s sunrise and you see something wash up on shore straight ahead, something bulky and covered in kelp, you race up to it, pulse pounding—is it treasure? A dead body? A briefcase filled with nearer bonds carefully wrapped in plastic as if the last owner knew of it’s destiny, which now you must decide both its and your fates—or you could take it, stow it somewhere quiet for awhile and see what else the sea may bring to your unfortunately land bound feet. Your call.