Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –What do you get for someone that has everything already? Or is that person always in need of some thing more, in order to satisfy their incessant needs and cries for better of this or that? Or concavely, what do you get for someone who seems to want nothing? An empty box maybe? The Dr Pants’s rambling point is in regard to what he would give an Aries as a gift right now if he had his druthers. Surely, not advice, how pointless, heavens no. You’re already jacked up and uber caffeinated as it is. Oh right! Yoda!—when Luke enters the cave, and since he brought a weapon, that’s what he uses in anger and fear, ultimately chopping off his own head. In your face, symbolism. Take a load off, brougham, take a load for free. Fer reals—drop.. your.. sword, you don’t need it.

♉ Taurus –If you accept that the planet Mars exists, then you probably also concur that historically, Mars represents aggression and war and dominance and a never ending fight for resources and power. Mars is the God of War, right? War, whether by attrition or an absurd nuclear weapons stockpile buildup that threatens our species’ existence…Well, the Dr Pants’ll wager that a youthful earthy sign like yourself might be interested to know that as of the 13^th, behind Mars will be the constellation Sagittarius—aka celestial ass kicker, no name taker, and known incendiary—let it all blow back to hell and the devil can sort it out kinda thing, right? Grab your flak jacket and remember: nothing can hurt you, you’re indomitable and singularly in charge of your own destiny. Procure what you need and regret no thing.

♊ Gemini -Mars enters Sagittarius! As of the 13^th anyway! Why is that exciting? Quick astro primer: behind the red planet Mars right now, from our earthly pov anyhoo, will be the constellation Sagittarius! Why the frak do we care?? Opposite the constellation Sag in the sky from our earthly pov is the constellation Gemini, your astro opposite yet equal, and often naughty, possibly disturbed friend with benefits. Our sister red planet with Sag fire behind it, pulling Earth towards chaos and justice and probably naked sexy times, this influence lasts a good 6 weeks, so engage your planned seductions, illustrated coups and transcendental duck tossing, asap—do not lose the name of action.

♋ Cancer –Due to incoming stellar data, such as Mars transforming from Scorpionic orgiastic exuberance, into the purifying flames of righteous Sagittarian star energy—as of the 13^th anyhoo, and so the Dr Pants advises all watery crab types to brace for more tidal turbulence, but of the kind that builds reefs instead of dessicating them. Sag is the oldest of the three fire signs, and hopefully the wisest, procuring fire for a larger transformation, one of mind and spirit, rather than the merely corporeal, which as all crabs know, is replaceable. What if your carapace reflects the fiery northern aurora borealian light, incandescent, immaterial and preternaturally fascinating? Be the change.   

♌ Leo – Sometimes, life seems like that moment in The Big Lebowski when the Dude says, ‘All you needed was a sap to pin it on! You'd just met me! You human... paraquat! You figured 'Oh, here's a loser', you know? A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about.’ And the big Lebowski says, ‘Well, aren’t ya?’ A paraquat btw, is a synthetic weed killer—and then, even a pacifist like the Dude can’t deny that he is precisley that deadbeat that the square community won’t give a shit about, but then luckily, Walter, the pacifist’s muscle throws the poor insulting bastard on his own phony goldbrickin’ ass! And then, life takes you bowling and maybe you drive around a little and everything’s cool and copasetic. The skies are now post apocalypto—just be a lion, maybe throw some rocks, eat a gazelle—you’ve earned it.

♍ Virgo –Fer reals, the Dr Pants is biased towards Virgin ideology and so, full disclosure: he’s got a Virgo rising—quick primer: your rising sign is the constellation on the horizon at the moment you’re born, ergo: Dr Pants = part Virgo. That said, we look good. We’ve got another week left of the Sun shining via the energy of the Virgin star group, btw home to the Virgo Cluster, which = from our earthly pov, a bunch of galxies all clumped together, even tho they’re billions of billions of light years apart, hence Virgo has lots of mass pulling us towards it, and Hawking knows how much dark matter. Virgo’s a veritable gravity monster, as are you. It’s late summertime, and for Virgins the livin’s easy. Happy continued birthday times, you beautiful fertile bastard. You’re surrounded only by love.  

♎ Libra –Doozy of a full moon buildup to Pisces last weekend, right? The Dr Pants is still working at untwisting his knickers and reckoning his bar tab. Pisces—the understated diva, right? Where were we? Libra—right! Feel a funny tickle? A little vibration in your innards that portends your yearly Libra Sun time—which is imminent btw, as of the 22^nd, but meantime, let’s talk, seriously about red planet Mars being backlit by the constellation Sagittarius as of the 13th—yep, there’s that tingle again, because Sag is uber creative fire, and Mars sure seems like the god of war that our forbears labeled as such. Your roller coaster starts easy right now, but strap in, tune in, turn on and regret nothing. For now, be the rock, and soon you’ll roll with the just fist of fury of a thousand white hot suns. Giddy up—giddy way up.

♏ Scorpio –Meanwhile, ever since Oct 2012, behind the planet Saturn has been the constellation Scorpio, which lasts til about a year from now. It is neat isn’t it? And informationally super helpful! Also, as of the 13^th, when you see Mars in the night sky, behind it will be the constellation Sagittarius for about 6 weeks, which after the bloodbath of Scorp and a full moon in Pisces, should seem like a calm and orderly yet radical transformation from fire water to pure white fire. Sag is the oldest fire sign, and it’s pulling Mars and Earth towards whatever it desires. Even for your well travelled arse, the ride may seem bumpy, not to mention there’s an equinox impending and a shift into a Libra sun. The skies seem to infer incoming transformations—so, act accordingly.  

♐ Sagittarius –Feel like ya been missing the target lately? Well, impotence—no longer! As of the 13^th, when you view the red planet Mars in the sky, behind it is the constellation Sagittarius, and if you believe the red planet’s earthly rep as being a god of war, which the Dr Pants thought was Nicolas Cage—wait, he was only a Lord of War—point is, is that if Mars represents action, energy shifts and bold choices, straight from the hip gunslinger style, and nothing matters except stayin’ alive—stayin’ alive, feel the city breakin’, everybody’s shakin’ and etc. So, yeah that’s bodes bueno for archers looking to hit their targets, That said, don’t destroy everything in your path just because you can, yet— it is indeed time to push some buttons. Procure what you want and regret nothing.

♑ Capricorn –Sometimes, you feel like Rick Rossovich in the movie Roxanne, when he’s trying to write a letter to, well…Roxanne, and he thinks and he thinks, and he eats a cracker, and then finally the idea comes, and it’s a jubilant font of imaginative prose sure to win her heart, securing girlfriend status with a just off Splash success Darryl Hannah—and then the whole creative romantic process yields, ‘Do you want to have a drink sometime, if you do check this box.’ And that whole process took like three hours. It’s a very long time. But then sometimes, you just open your mouth and start yapping and prattling on. Celestially speaking, the sky is perfectly receptive to whatever may spill from your oral innards. Ask for what you want, else you get nothing. Let loose your chattering jaws and take a load off, take a load for free.

Aquarius ♒ -Since the Dr Pants is also of Aquarian ilk, he’s also suspect of any opinion, thought, idea or concept conceived of by anyone else pretty much ever, at least without thorough examination & due diligence & dubiousness. That said, everything that exists contains a verifiable process, right, like magic is all gone and we’re all just waiting for some otherwise unemployable eggheads to tell us what the science is. Narytheless, as of the 13^th, when you look at Mars in the night sky, behind it is the constellation Sagittarius, after passing intestinally thru thru an all too virile, surreal and angst ridden stay in Scorpio—Point is, is that progress should now be plentiful and readily available. Mars, allegedly = decisive action—for better or worse, and Sag allegedly = decisive action that we all just have to deal with—also for better or worse. Choose and regret nothing.

♓ Pisces –Look, we’re all familiar with Piscean codependence, and the need to make sure everyone’s having a good time, provided that doesn’t interfere unduly with your own hedonism, particularly re anxiety prone Virgos, but let’s assume for a moment that your life is indeed like the movie The Goonies, and an adventure awaits around every corner, especially if the Fratelli’s just robbed the local Circle K, and somehow there be pirate booty treasure ‘neath our town’s pristine shorelined streets. Now that your Pisces full moon has passed, and hopefully all wayward freebooting ships have come home to roost, the Dr Pants assumes it’s full steam ahead, irregardless of Chester Copperpot, and the odd non-appearance of a Goonies sequel. Wtf? Get back on track, find yer center or whatever—there’s shite to be done in these here Goon Docks!