Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –This week’s cool celestial story brought to you by the constellation Orion, who before he was placed forever into the heavens, was the greatest of hunters, til he got all uppity and vowed to kill all the animals, and Mamma Gaia said nope, not gonna happen, so she dispatches a giant scorpion to kill Orion. So, the constellations Orion and Scorpius were placed at opposite sides of the sky, so that the battle could go on forever, because as one sets, the other rises—eternally. Now, onto this week’s cool celestial events, brought to you by Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious, who comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—nuclear furnance, could kill us at any moment—he moves into Libra—same day btw, and—equinox! Point is, is watch for a sea change—the big ones you never see coming.

♉ Taurus –Scorpius—your celestial astro opposite and often horny equal—was a giant scorpion dispatched by Mamma Gaia to kill Orion—the greatest hunter the universe had ever known—and so this story goes that both Scorpius and Orion were placed in opposite parts of the sky, ensuring that the chase would go on forever—for as one constellation sets, the other rises, never to share the same sky—never. This week, the celestial fun is all on the 22^nd when Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious, comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—big ass gas bag, moves into Libra, and then—equinox! Equal day for night and light for dark. In and around Monday, keep eyes out for a sea change—the deep waves you never see coming, and maybe wax up your board—waves should be tight.   

♊ Gemini –So, the constellation Scorpius is a giant Scorpion that was sent to kill the great hunter Orion by Mamma Gaia, and so this story goes that their forms were placed in the sky so that the chase could last an eternity—for they’re at opposite sides of the sky—as one constellation rises, the other sets. The greatest hunter never has to face the unkillable Scorpius. Opposites, eternities—these things are of a Gemininian bent...Geminiaian—you twins make it so difficult. Point is, is that in and around Monday the 22^nd may get a bit deep, like the swells of an ocean about to undergo a sea change. Pluto, the gatekeeper to our subconscious comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—big ass gas bag, moves into Libra, and then—equinox! Equal night for day, light for dark, and good for evil—twins, opposites and equals. Keep eyes for a sea change, big swells, the subconscious surf is way, way up.

♋ Cancer -In and around Monday the 22^nd may get a bit tweaky, but first a quick primer on Pluto—no, not Mickey’s dog but rather the dwarf planet usually out past Neptune: 1) it goes ‘round the Sun once every 248 Earth years, and behind it currently is the constellation Capricorn until 2023. 2) it’s orbit is very strange—on a regular basis, Pluto actually gets closer to the Sun than Neptune, possibly crashing into it in a billion years or so—fingers crossed! 3) on Monday Pluto, the alleged king of the subconscious realms comes out of retrograde and will seem to be moving forward in the sky once again. 4) also as of the 22^nd, behind our sun will be the constellation Libra the libertine librarian, after probably too much party time in Virgo the slutty virgin. Same day, big shifts—might last all week, always know where your pants are, and keep an eye out for a sea change.

♌ Leo –The constellations aren’t really a lions or fish goats (as discussed below in Cap), but rather that’s what stories we’ve ascribed to the skies after eons of watching them parade above us in predictable procession. These celestial stories are as old as cave art. In meandering point of fact, this Monday the 22^nd brings us some massive endothermic shifts: Pluto—wacked out frozen ice ball with an eccentric orbital pattern—comes out of retrograde and will appear to move forward in the sky once again. Also—same day—the Sun—massive nuclear furnace that could kill us all at any moment, moves into the constellation Libra, sweet sweet air that will ease us into the continued procession of Scorpio and Sag, Cap and etc. The skies are the story of us, and on Mon, the story might get weird, and it might last all week long. Keep your leonine eyes peeled for a sea change. 

♍ Virgo – Unlike the Asian and European horse, the North American horse died out millions of years ago, so that by the time Asiatic early humans crossed a land bridge or an ocean to arrive in the Americas, there were no horses, ultimately leaving them vulnerable once the Western world discovered Aztec gold and Colorado silver. Humans have always used the horse to their advantage, as a tool, or a weapon. This rambling prose was meant to distract you from the end of Virgo Sun and birthday times for you, the slutty Virgin Virgo. As of the the 22^nd, not only does the Sun move into Libra, but Pluto comes out of retrograde and moves normally in the sky once again, it’s actually your cup of tea—the gatekeeper for the unconscious goes forward and our landlord the Sun takes air as a preference. Oddly enough these forces may create a sea change, so keep eyes alert about ship. The big waves, you never see coming.

♎ Libra –Oh shite. It’s time. In and around Monday the 22^nd, make sure you have pants on, because in one day: Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious, comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—nuclear furnace that could kill us all at any minute, moves into Libra. But wait, what? Yes, onto you! And birthday times—Congrats! Quite a beginning with the Pluto thing, but still. So keep an eye for an incoming sea change, but this one’s in your favor, your honor and hopefully your pants, which the Dr Pants has already reminded you about. Next week we’ll talk equinox and why it begins your sign, but for now, make some party plans, for tis a wild & wooly month, astrologically speaking, but all the cake and all the booze is all for you. Happy birthday times you marvelous gorgeous bastard. For you only—all lights are green.

♏ Scorpio –The heart of the constellation Scorpius is the star we call Antares, and the constellation right next door is Sagittarius, a half human, half horse whose arrow is perfectly aimed directly at—Antares, the scorpion’s heart, ready to fire if ever need be. And so one story goes that Orion the great hunter waged war against all the animals, and Gaia, mother of all of Earth dispatched an unkillable Scorpion to kill him, which it did, and the two were placed in the heavens—on opposite sides btw, so that the chase will never end, for as one constellation sets, the other rises, everyday forever emblazoned across the sky. Neat story, but nothing to do with yours. Currently in and around Monday the 22^nd Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious comes out of retrograde, and the Sun— massive nuclear furnace that could kill us all at any moment, moves into Libra, and then, equinox! Big energy shifts in one day, keep your eyes to the seas, for they may change quietly & quickly all week long.

♐ Sagittarius –The constellation Sagittarius has been imagined over centuries as a celestial centaur, in action aiming an arrow at the heart of the constellation Scorpio, a star we’ve named Antares. Quick Greek story short: Orion the greatest hunter ever apparently was gonna kill all the animals and Mamma Gaia said, I don’t think so, baby, and so she dispatched a giant scorpion to kill Orion, and their story is now in the heavens, for as one constellation rises, the other sets and the chase is on eternally. Anyhoo, Chiron, aka Sagittarius, a wiser and less frat boy version of the average centaur, is always aiming his arrow at the Scorpion’s heart—the star we named Antares. The story of the sky is perhaps a jungian uranian mirror to our paths, and on the 22^nd two major shifts occur—Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—massive nuclear furnace that could kill us all any time, he moves into Libra, and then—equinox! Keep an eye for a celestial sea change and another level to your current saga.    

♑ Capricorn –The Dr Pants doesn’t intend to blow your mind, but it may happen shortly, so maybe grab a tissue before reading on. Okay, so you’ve always thought the constellation Capricornus was an earthy goat, right, and it is sorta—actually, since the late Bronze Age, our ancestors thought of the constellation Cap as half goat and half fish, making you the goat fish of the cosmic sea. Perhaps because, in the northern hemi anyhoo, Capricornio sun times are during wet winter seasons, so that whole area of the sky is seen as water all the way thru Aquarius to Pisces. The Dr Pants’s tangential point is, is that currently behind Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious, is the constellation Cap until 2023, and on this Mon the 22^nd, it comes out of retrograde and appears to move forward in our sky once again. Also on Mon, the Sun moves into Libra, after devirginizing the Virgo. Massive yet subtle shifts may resonate all week long. Grab hold of your favorite something, and watch for a sea change, you weird and sexy goat fish.

Aquarius ♒ -Like the Dr Pants was telling the ol’ Capricornio in the paragraph above, since the late Bronze Age our ancestors have thought of the earthy goat as actually being half fish, making him the sea goat, probably because Jan, Feb and March are generally wet & wintery—in the northern hemi anyhoo—and that whole area of the sky can be imagined as all water—a great celestial ocean that leads all the way thru Pisces. We of the Aquarii are known as the water bearers, but the water we pour from our celestial jug is actually full of stars, at least 20 of them, spilling out into the wider extro-uterine sea of endless stars that far outnumber all the grains of sand on all the beaches of Earth. This week, big sky doins, mostly in and around the 22^nd—Pluto moves out of retro, and the Sun moves into Libra within hours of each other. Watch for waves and maybe a sea change. Subconscious surf is way, way up.   

♓ Pisces –The Dr Pants could tell you about the upcoming celestial events that he thinks are cool, if not momentous, even tho they are both: like Pluto—gatekeeper to our subconscious comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—nuclear furnace that could kill us all all any time, moves into Libra, and then—equinox! But that’s all just math and boring crapola. Tell me a new story! And preferably one that will entertain and animate metaphorically the amazing magic and cool shite that destines all Pisces because you guys are always ready for adventure and fun and hopefully treasure hunting, you know because you’re not above greed, greed is good, right? Okay, so on Monday, you’ll find a map to a treasure, on Tue you’ll have to work, but later after dinner you’ll study the map. Wed, you call in sick, then in the afternoon around 230, you’ll face the first of three challenges to finding the treasure—a dragon, but your odds are pretty good, she’s been sleeping for 300 years, and she’s pregnant. Thur—happy hour magarita time! And then Fri, you’ll find the treasure, hopefully it’s actual gold, but could be a sense of love and empathy for all mankind. Good luck, you highly sexual fishmonger!