Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –From the time you read these word usements, til Monday ‘round happy hour PDT, is what astronomers call a slow build to a massive gushing release of en-oceaned sassafrass and inner turmoil, that will leave several rows soaking wet. Check out the Sun—don’t stare at it, ya freak—but rather notice the Sun, behind it is the constellation Virgo, and then check out Monday’s full moon, behind which is the constellation Pisces. A distant nuclear furnace and an old planetoid that liked us so much, she decided to stay and influence the tides—these bodies are pulling us in opposite directions, one towards preferably virgin earth and the other towards an endless Piscean sea, from whose bourne no traveller returns lightly or unchanged. Suit up, and smell your best—wild and crazy weekend ahead.

♉ Taurus –It pays to be an earthy Taurus right now, while the Sun pulls us towards another earthy type, the constellation Virgo—everyone’s favorite virgin, and the full moon—Monday right about happy hour PDT btw—is in Pisces—Jung’s metaphor for the impossible to fathom depths of the Freudian psyche—Freud was a Taurus btw, so that’s cool, but point is, is that the Sun wants us to go towards earth, and the Moon towards water. The Dr Pants reccommends that earthly Bull signs should find a warm mud bath, preferably atop a natural hot springs, where you can rejuvenate, exfoliate and spiritually cavort & copulate with what and whom you desire most. Madness by moonlight.

♊ Gemini –Quickly: we orbit the Sun, right, and the moon orbits us, and technically also the Sun—but focus dammit—right now, behind the Sun is the constellation Virgo—imagine  loamy muddy sentimental earth—and behind Monday’s full moon is the constelllation Pisces—imagine an endless sea, where if you travel far enough you’ll meet yourself—say hi for me btw. From the time you read these words until Monday late afternoon, right during happy hour PDT, will seem like the end of that Clooney movie The Perfect Storm, when the boat is pointed straight down the wave and all shite’s gone to hell—but then luckily by Tue morning, this slow mo dreamtime moonscape avalance will coalesce into calm seas, Christopher Cross, and virgin waters untouched by anything cruel or unkind. Find your lover, splash around, make some waves, and let the canvas do its miracles.    

♋ Cancer –The Dr Pants surely wishes he was a constellular crab for at least this weekend—Crabfest! And don’t fret, the Dr isn’t referring to the boiling kind, but rather a great time to be a Cancer! Check this shite, crusty: Monday late afternoon right ‘round happy hour PDT, the full moon will be gushing effulgently with the constellation Pisces as a backup band. Meanwhilst, behind the Sun is the constellation Virgo.Two bodies pulling us in opposite yet fertile directions, one towards loamy virgin soil, and the other towards the entirety of the water cycle itself, the ocean, the skies, and the fire water that surrounds us, binds us, moves thru us in mysterious and literal ways. Find a beach, crabby—where there’s sand and wind and water and enough moonlight to live on. Let the tides take you home.  

♌ Leo – For all fiery felines, this week’s happy hour starts as soon as you read these word structures, and ends with a bang on Monday nite, when the full moon pulls Earth towards the constellation Pisces, and the Virgin Sun pulls us toward more earthly endeavors. Pace yourself, kitten, the waves will begin gradually, reaching orgasmic hurricane strength by Sat, and hitting orgiastic landfall Sun nite, continuing to drench the coast well into Tuesday, making everybody sopping wet and in need of a group shower, several naps and whatever can be ordered for delivery. Cats don’t usually like this much water and mud, but all the smart cats learn to surf out of necessity. Even for Leo’s, this is a wet, wild and reckless weekend. Suit up, kitty, the surf’s way up.

♍ Virgo –Celestially speaking, the Sun’s right about dead center in the constellation Virgo—yes, more cake please, and a once a year full moon in Pisces is on the opposite side of the heavens, pulling Earth between sweet muddy virgin soil and transcendentally deep Piscean waters—your astro equal, opposite and usually friend with benefits. From the time these words hit your retinas until full lunar completion right about happy hour Monday eve—that’s PDT btw, should be an orgasmic birthday cake roller coaster that probably winds up in a three day orgy with recovery time not due til Thur at best. This full moon weekend is your time, it’s your party, check before you wreck, put your name on your underwear so you can find it later, and Happy Birthday, you sexy beast.

♎ Libra –Quick astronomical primer: Sun’s in Virgo the virgin mudbath, full moon’s on Monday around happy hour PDT, and as of the 2^nd, Mercury is in Libra kicking it for a few weeks, and soon—Libra Sun time, when you’ll be the star of your own reality show—yes, you’ll get created by credit—and we’ll all take our pants off and party with you. But for this weekend, it’s a full moon ride thru Pisces—imagine a four day tantric orgasm, where each level of enjoyment is a synecdoche for the unfathomable full monty. Lennon (fellow Libra btw) was right, we should all just trip together and bond via the love vibrations of infinite ubiquitous cosmic energy—Our atoms are all sun-forged, brothers and sisters, We’re all of the same star stuff. Find yourself a mudbath preferably atop a natural hot spring and commune with disparate forces that are as powerful as air. Wild weekend dead ahead—pretend you’re water and go with the flow, the tides always come home.  

♏ Scorpio –The Moon’s light is reflected sunlight and before we had science to allegedly prove otherwise, moonlight had special powers, specifically at a lunatic full moon—this Monday’s eve btw, right about happy hour PDT—when previously hidden caches and treasure troves have a shot at lightning fast illumination, the possibility of epiphany and movement from one planar reality to a more elevated dimension, beyond sight & sound, transcending light & boundaries where speed is limitless and moot. This weekend may seem like a gushing ride over a waterfall into steamy erotic unconsciousnes, but by Wed next, all will be tidepools and naked lunches on the sand, watching wave upon wave of reality roll in, drenching us in fertile virgin Piscean-Virgo mudbaths until everything comes clean. Bring a loofa and prepare for en-lightning. For a Scorp, business as usual.

♐ Sagittarius –The energy of Monday nite’s full moon in Pisces, starts as a small wave from the moment these words hit your mouth and brain areas, that will build in ongoing and increasing swells of heightened emotions, desires, beliefs, needs vs wants vs the must haves and the gonna get me somes. Check this train, Coltrane: a full moon in Pisces—the epitome and paragon of all the world’s water implies that the Sun is being pulled in the opposite direction, toward constellular Virgo. Imagine the most fertile warm resuscitating mud baths atop the hottest of natural springs, then imagine being drenched with energy betwixt the two—warm earth and deep waters that will ride to slow full lunar completion right about happy hour on Monday’s eve, PDT. Even for a never rest easy Sag, this weekend could get a little wild a little wooly & downright dirty—just like you like it.

♑ Capricorn –The possibility of overindulgence in all your favorite vices is at DefCon2, beginning as soon as these word usements hit your eyeballs, and crescendoing to all out missile launch by Monday nite’s full moon in Pisces, right around happy hour btw—PDT. Quick astro primer: the full moon is always on the opposite side of the Earth than the Sun, resulting in more or less equal gravitational pull on us twixt fertile celestial virgin soil and the unfathomable depths of Jungian subconsciousness as a metaphor for the literal unknowable ocean, not to mention the sign with the most tolerance for too much of a good thing. Point is, is that Caps love too much of a good thing, but have a much lower threshold for pure pleasure. Pace yourself, there’s mucho orgies and hallucinatory libations to be had—pace yourself, don’t crash out early and miss the party. This weekend is wet, wild, wooly and way way, way off the hook. Go easy, star goat.

Aquarius ♒ -From the moment these words hit your eyeballs, the harness will be placed, and the ride will begin. This roller derby coaster lasts until the full moon Monday nite, right ‘round happy hour, PDT btw, so let’s get some science down and check before we wreck: Every full moon is on the opposite side of Earth than the Sun, pulling us in opposite directions—last month’s was twixt Aquarius and Leo—but this month the Sun favors the constellation Virgo and the Moon tugs us towards constellular Pisces—between loamy virgin earth and impossible neptunian depths of Jungian subconsciousness. Point is, is that the tendency to go too far either in pleasure or pain might be unavoidable—just make sure you get some cake with your ennui, and maybe find a water sign, get off the grid and let the tides take you where they will. Recovery starts Tue.

♓ Pisces –You feel that? Mmmmmm, yeah, it’s Pisces full moon time—Monday eve ‘round happy hour, PDT—only happens once a year, when the Sun pulls us towards the constellation Virgo, and the moon on the opposite side of the Earth reflecting that dirty virgin sunlight pulling us towards constellular Pisces. Opposite directions, yet aligned and fine tuned to offer free wifi, group mud baths and naked hot springs for everyone. From the time these words hit your eyeballs til full lunar completion on Mon, should feel like a slow moving tantric magic carpet ride to feel good town. This Goonies quote should fill you in on the details: ‘Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket.’