Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Check this actual science, brought to you by the good folks over in the math department: we’re almost done with little bastard Mercury’s thrice yearly three week retrograde, this one like a bad divorce between Scorpio and Libra, and the rocking and rising tide may get even wilder as we approach the 23^rd, when the Sun moves into Scorp, we have a new Moon in Scorp, while simultaneously a partial solar eclipse occurs. The new bike we’ll be riding by the 25^th when Mercury cuts this retro crap may have five wheels and three pedals, but it’s sure to be wicked fast and unremorseful about its course. You Aries fire types might want to use caution when applying your usual pyrotechnics. Go easy, for you wield much power. Chill out, have a salad, then light it up. 

♉ Taurus –Lots of celestial goings on in your opposite and equally horny astro partner, the Scorpio—like the bad divorce with Libra, all over little backwards bastard Mercury, a new moon in Scorp on the 23^rd, and simultaneously a partial solar eclipse—we get two of those a year btw—and the Sun moves into the gaping maw of the Scorpion that day too. Where does the bull fit in? Los Toros y toreadors alike may find themselves mysteriously drawn to a china shop the closer we get to the once a year full moon in Taurus the Bull on Nov 6. Destroy and disassemble if you must, but you Bulls might be the only sign the Scorpion won’t go near for fear of getting trampled. Let the bad guys do the work, and you just focus on scampering and frolicking your way to your full moon. Nothing stops bull.    

♊ Gemini –If you thought October’s been weird so far—hang tight, because your socks are in danger of being knocked right off, here’s the actual astro lowdown: we’re almost done with little bastard Mercury’s thrice per year three week retrograde, this one amidst a nasty divorce between Scorpio and Libra, then on the 23^rd all of this shite aims fanwards: the Sun moves into Scorpio, there’s a new moon in Scorp and simultaneously a partial solar eclipse, the twice yearly sisterly counterpart to the total lunar eclipse we had on the 8^th—all in one day—and then on the 25^th, Merc cuts the retro crap possibly releasing all the spirits like that part in Ghostbusters when dickless shut off the protection grid—liberation, transformation, and a brave new world. Currently the celestial waters are perfect for catching exactly the right fish, get angling and get what you want.

♋ Cancer -Everything’s coming up Scorpio! Your fellow fire water sign is about to be full of himself and a couple of planets, and we’re all familiar with his insatiable power grabbing and snatching, so let’s cut to the celestial chase, all of which goes down on the 23^rd— the Sun goes into Scorp, the new moon is in Scorp, and it’s a partial solar eclipse all in one day. And little bastard Mercury comes out of retrograde two days later, relenting to the irresistable clamp of the scorpion’s claws, especially after the bitter divorce between Scorp and Libra becomes final. The Dr Pants would remind you crustaceans thusly, A) crabs don’t get seasick and B) a high tide raises all boats. While everything may seem in tumult, help remind us why there’s nothing to fear since we’re all in this ocean together. This week be overly generous with your time. The love you give is equal to…. 

♌ Leo –Can you smell it, tiger? Big sky doin’s are on the wind, so check this shite: all on the 23^rd, the Sun moves into Scorp, there’s a new moon in Scorp and a partial solar eclipse—all in one day. Then on the 25^th, little bastard Mercury cuts the retro crap and moves forward again—towards an imminent munching by, you guessed it—the Scorpio. We’ll all be travelling thru another dimension soon, one of light and sound and transformation, all thru the fire water of the Scorpion. Don’t get bit, stay on target, have a cookie, bend some spoons with your mind bullets and by November all will be right as rain, and you’ll remember you don’t believe in fate or astrology or weird opportunity presenting wormholes from out there in the ether of space. You’re not cowardly, you’re not Aslan, but you are one sexy kitten. Fear no scorpion, but step lively.  

♍ Virgo –The sky is afoot and aflame with these actual astro events, brought to you by provable science: we’re a good chunk of the way thru Mercury’s thrice annual three week retrograde, this time in the middle of a bad divorce between Libra and Scorpio, and we’re also between eclipses—there’s a partial solar coming up on the 23^rd—same day btw that the Sun enters Scorpio, same day as the new moon also in Scorpio which occurs during the eclipse. You’re not between a rock and a hard place, but between a womb and the outside world, which has been filtered and protective until now. But the 25^th—that’s the birthing day when Mercury stops this retro bullshite and we blast off into a visceral and radically new future. Strange yet oddly familiar waters dead ahead, remember: all is one.

♎ Libra –Nicely timed this year btw, encompassing almost the entire three weeks of retrograde Mercury within your birthday Libra Sun sexy party in the pants times, thereby making your sign the only one immune to the seasick celestial seas abound and surrounding the rest of us. That said, you scaly Libras have a free pass until the 23^rd when the Sun gets captured by Scorpius and the birthday parties creep into the esoteric and maudlin. Also, same day: new moon and partial eclipse—also in Scorp—your astro neighbor and griping star mate regarding a certain pair of sky claws that became scales. Point is, is that celestial immunity will be morphing into regular reality and soon. Ergo, therefore, post haste and forthwith, hit the birthday bucket list stat. Whatever brings you pleasure, do it, do it now while there’s still time. Happy birthday, scamp.

♏ Scorpio –Firstly, as of the 23^rd, the Sun will start chewing its way thru the sign of Scorpio, the colossal unkillable sky scorpion—actually part of the arachnid family btw—so, your birthday juiciness is upcoming and nigh, but secondishly, let’s chat about all the shite that goes down leading up to the 23^rd and how unabated the wacky of thus far October might continue ad infinaseum: currently we’re a good chunk of the way thru Mercury’s thrice annual three week retrograde, this time in the middle of a bad divorce between Libra and Scorpio—don’t worry, Scorpio wins—and we’re also between eclipses, a partial solar coming up on the 23^rd—same day btw that the Sun enters Scorpio, same day as the new moon also in Scorpio which occurs during the eclipse, and on the 25^th Merc cuts the retro crap and we all move forward into your neck of the woods, ripe for the stinging. Ready the claws and batten all hatches. It’s your perfect storm.  

♐ Sagittarius –Soon, a wormhole will appear, and you’ll have a perfect shot right thru it, so keep arrows at the ready and your bow tautly strung, for should you hit your target on the other side, everything in this world may change, adjust and requantify. On the 23^rd the Sun moves into Scorpio, there’s a new moon in Scorp and a partial solar eclipse, all on the same day—but the wormhole may not appear til the 25^th or after when retrograde Mercury cuts the retro crap and heads for a long delayed dinner date in downtown Scorpio. Aim not with your eyes nor your hands, but with your heart, aim for the future you want to see, be the change, because celestially speaking it’s a perfect time to red shift into forward gears. Fear nothing, aim true, get the treasure.  

♑ Capricorn –First off, let’s calm down, it’s been a long October already with little bastard Mercury in reverse and full moons and eclipses and shite, but wait—there’s more! We’re actually in between eclipses—a partial solar one is due on the 23^rd, the same day the Sun moves into Scorpio, the new moon’s in Scorpio, and then two days later, Merc cuts the retro crap and moves forwards again towards a destiny dinner date with guess who—Scorpio. Secondly, the Dr Pants is only telling you to chill because he knows you Caps have a tendency to lose self control over whatever emotional turbulence might give you a lift, a goose and a jiggle. Thirdly, don’t act like you’re the epitome of self control, we’ve all seen it. Just sayin—watch for flash floods of fire water and irresistable juiciness. 

Aquarius ♒ -The not-god closes a door and then opens a window, right? Consider this upcoming actual astro shite: we’re in between eclipses, in the midst of Mercury retrograde fighting it out between Libra and Scorp, and on the 23^rd the Sun moves into Scorp, we have a new moon in Scorp and a partial solar eclipse—in Scorp—all in one day. Then on the 25^th, little bastard Merc cuts the retro crap and goes forward once again—towards a destiny with, wait for it—Scorpio. Lots of sky energy moving forward thru fire water, transforming itself and promising a new lens with which to see ourselves and our environs amidst new red shifted light waves that bend towards undeniable truthiness and fervor for poetic change. Who do you want to be today, who do you want to be?  

♓ Pisces –Your water sign buddy Scorpio has a major power grab coming up, so maybe keep an eye out for wandering scorpionic energy that may seek to engulf you and claim your rightful demesnes and ancestral homelands for its own dastardly designs. However, forewarned is forearmed, so check this astro shite: on the 23^rd the Sun moves into Scorp, the new moon is in Scorp and it’s a partial solar eclipse—all in one day. And on the 25^th Mercury cuts the retro crap, and moves forward again towards a mandatory stay in, wait for it—Scorpio. The Dr Pants recommends boots, maybe hip waders and some ball bearings, because it’s all ball bearings nowadays—and get ready for a red shifted light show, where everything becomes illuminated and truthiness is rampant and undeniable. Everything wrong is right again—after some ocular adjustments.