Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –I’m here to tell ya that you’ve had your cathexis and catharsis totally ass backwards and people are beginning to wonder. The relationship between the two can be complimentary, but the former hopefully follows the latter. A cathexis is the investment of mental or emotional energy—want, desire, id, etc, into a person, object or idea. And it can be constipated. Fixation…planted, feet to the goddam ground while the sky spins above us. And catharsis is freedom, from such things as, well…a cathexis. A wise man once said, follow your bliss—it’s the perfect season for release. Spread yourself sky-wise as the empathy would.

♉ Taurus - How beautiful is this shite, originated by the great and wise Clarke: “(1) When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. (2)The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible. (3)Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” Intelligence beatified. Imagination gently caressed by rivers of science. Your week will be replete with waters that are equal parts mystic and explicably mathematically kind.

♊ Gemini - Lately, have you felt that you’re Bruce Lee in that one movie where there was all those mirrors and a creepy old dude that seemed unkillable, and who had metal hands for some reason? Well, DON’T PANIC—I typed that in big bold letters so you’d know the deal. Check this: the mirrors are a weird metaphor for your soul, Bruce. You are blessed to know multiple realities, and you will stab the metal hands guy in the chest on of those mirrors with a freakin’ spear. Sweet-tastic action, amigo! You’re both Tango AND Cash. Big Trouble AND Little China. Ewoks AND Wookies, hombre. Bet big, go big, and then go home…and get some rest.

♋ Cancer - You’re smart, so check my posit: On a long timeline, the relationship between our understanding of self vs the ‘reality’ of self is probably a wave function that goes hither and yon in some kind of up and down cycle, with the x-y axis representing truth—whatever the frak that is. Fart, I say! Yet grok this: at times you should speak without forethought, perhaps with only the inkling of an idea about something and let your tongue ramble brainwise till it comes out; hopefully it’s genius rather than gibberish. I figure you got a 50/50 shot. Your future is neither luck nor odds. Rather flipside, your inner reptilian sensoid molecules have been evolving far longer than whatever mammal you think you are. Go big.

♌ Leo - This week you will span the gap and gamut between Godard and Goddard. The former a filmmaker who was quoted as saying, “All you need to make a movie is a gun and a girl”, and the latter, who said, “Every vision is a joke until the first man accomplishes it; once realized, it becomes commonplace.” Bear in mind the Goddard was a pioneer of rocket science and the Godard, a pioneer of movies about explosive situations and emotions using guns as a launching pad. The French guy’s a Sagittarius, and the rocketeer’s from Massachusetts. The parallel between these two geniuses is the beam you will travel. Do some research, walk the path, and we’ll discuss your findings at a café in Roswell where gravity bends to the weak nuclear force, and not the politically free for a select few.

♍ Virgo – HULK SMASH is your power phrase of the week. If you recall, the Hulk is a big green monster that smashes. Anything you throw at him makes him stronger. The angrier he gets, the stronger he gets, until he consumes the universe and crushes all physical reality into molecular crepes. HULK = SMASH. For now, you and HULK are one. Any hindrance, any unwanted habit, any obstacle that’s been taunting you with degrading expletives are now yours to HULK SMASH. MAKE YOUR ENVIRONMENT A PRODUCT OF A BETTER YOU.

♎ Libra - As our current universe expanded from a somehow measurable bang, as yet evolved energy cooled and coalesced into simple ideas like hydrogen and helium, then becoming nuclear fire and plasma and vortexes and multiverses, mirroring itself infinitely, creating new timespace in the blink of an eye. Matter evolves condensing out of furnaces of immense heat, taking billions of years to find ourselves in the now on a slowly cooling planet made from lightning hot star stuff. And from the perspective of the ‘creator’, billions of years are like a new york minute, a heartbeat, or as the Bhuddists say one inspirational breath of god. Cool your jets, jumpy jill. There is more than you’ve dreamt of, that waits for your eyes.

♏ Scorpio – Your center of chakra power this week comes from a quote, mistakenly attributed to George Washington: “Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action.” The point is not to stir your secret hillbilly feelings of mistrust, but rather as a double check on the reality you do take credence in. The Supreme Council has had concerns of late that your judgment has been compromised by an interior force that may seek to repress certain parts of ego and id concerning a heartful matter. I’m just saying---make sure you’re in control of the fire, lest it singe your pretty branches.

♐ Sagittarius –I rarely give this much free space to anyone, but it’s your birthday times still and yes, we’re all still partying, but listen—for this last days of solar Sag, it’s time to get it all out of your system. I grant you temporary powers of the Grandest of Pooh Bahs, for a time you are the pen that is mightier than the sword, you are feet to the fire and you are a candle in the wind. Don’t go ape shit, but the deep end is calling for a little exploration. Ditch your tighty whities and nut up, because the water is cold and revelatory. Dive, dive deep, and divine your environs.  

♑ Capricorn –The devil lies in the details. So, am then I to infer that there’s some sort of demonic prevarication going on at some microcosmic level, possibly even subatomic, level or strata of the street map of my mind’s philosophy? That whoever this devil is, he’s making shit up, like samsara, like a dream, like a blanket that never ends that covers all of timespace? A universal blanket—that’s wrought with devilish implications and potential misstep. These details get foggier the more you focus on them. Don’t try to believe in a higher truth, just allow one to exist.

Aquarius ♒ -Use the solstice to grok something you want, even if it’s as simple as some fresh baked cookies—which are nice! Stop pretending to not want and not need because logic dictates. You risk wasting and withering away whilst turning a blind eye to the reptilian demands of the id and the soul. It’s time to mount up, and ride…and claim what is yours.

♓ Pisces – You are ripe for a Kentucky Meat Shower any second now. Before the imagery in your head turns to something unintended, let me explain. For several minutes on March 3, 1876, large chunks of raw red meat fell from the skies near Olympia, KY. Several theories exist, including buzzard related reverse peristalsis, as well as cosmic space traveling ungulates that explode upon entering earth’s atmo. Your meat shower, however, is a metaphor. The incoming meat due to rain down on your currently meatless head will be a blessing and a boon, and excellent with bbq sauce and grilled asparagus marinated in white wine. Bathe deep the meat, and reap the sweet sweet meat parade headed for your face. It does a body super good.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –Your Gordian knot of the week may require an Alexandrian solution. The Dr. Pants senses your metaphorical bowels have been in a knot recently, and it’s the perfect time of year for unclenching. Alexander the Great’s solution to a frustrating knot was to cut the whole thing in half with a sword. However, if your knot is closer to a Kobayashi Maru situation, then pull a Kirk on it. Somehow, some way, sever the ties that bind, especially if they’re centuries old, irrelevant and require iron age weaponry. Maybe…. there… is… no… knot.

♉ Taurus –According to what may actually be a Cherokee proverb—what do I know, I found it on FB—‘There is a battle of two wolves inside us all. One is evil, anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, lies, inferiority and ego. The other is good, joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth. The wolf that wins---the one you feed”. Mmmmm, deep Cherokee shite. The origin is a bit dubious—sounds kinda Lucas-y, but I’m gonna go with some pithy truth here. Your good wolf is hungry. Get on that.

♊ Gemini –One of my favorite stories about the constellation Gemini is about the two brothers Castor and Pollux. One was immortal, the other not so much. When Castor died, probably in battle, and oops it’s my brother that’s immortal—Pollux went to his big money daddy Zeus to let him share his immortality with his brother so that they could always be together. The twins went on to have many adventures and ended up marrying sisters whose father was a horse. And now they are immortalized in the heavens forever—or at least until our Earth changes neighborhoods in like 100 million years. For now, enjoy being your brother’s keeper. Fraternal and forever heavenward. Spread the love--spread it like butter on the sky.

♋ Cancer -Cancers make terrible nihilists. You guys are also terrible at atheism. The idea that nothing exists must really boil your onions. And doesn't belief have to do with perspective? Like, there's no atheists in foxholes or lifeboats...but there are plenty in comparative study of religion classes and astrophysics lecture halls. But being a cancer is like faith...there is no proof, just a feeling, one that goes down to your bones and permeates your being. Nice work if you can get it. Share with us your empathy, and quiet knowledge---we are a weary world that awaits your gentle touch.

♌ Leo -According to Carl Sagan, there are more stars in the sky than there are grains of sand on all the beaches in all the whole world. Criminy, that’s a lot of stars. Lots of nuclear gas balls flying every which way, sometimes into each other and sometimes imploding in on themselves. We ourselves are made of material forged at the center of a star. We are made of star stuff---not this crude matter. We are hydrogen and helium and chemical magic. Stretch out with your feelings, Luke. You’re connected to everything in the most deliciously unexpected ways. Open your heart, not your mouth for once, jackass.

♍ Virgo –It’s a bad omen to spill salt, which is why my mother insisted that if you did spill salt, for good luck you throw some more over your shoulder. I hope it worked. It didn’t work so well for Judas--yeah, that Judas. In Da Vinci’s The Last Supper, Judas holds a bag presumably of silver in one hand and has knocked over the salt with his elbow. If just one of those sandal wearing peripatetics had seen that sign, maybe we’d be less inclined as a society to put down those who preach nothing but love. My point is, is don’t worry about the salt or any other useless garbage piled on from superstitions past, but rather spill the love---let it flow like endless grains of sand on infinite beaches.

♎ Libra –The difference between creepy behavior and awwww, isn’t that cute, is a fine line, that if walked, should be trod carefully, for either side can result in madness and social isolation, you may even find yourself craving cat food—the wet kind, with whatever beefy bits title catches your eye first. Personally, I like anything with entrée in the title. Makes me feel like an important cat sitting down to a meal replete with finery and pomp and probably dog servants whose bark is my command. Shite—see, I just walked into creepy all over your ‘scope. Uhhhmmm…point is, is this week—full moon in Gemini--wacky wacky. So, check yourself, lest thee wreck thyself in a creepy fashion.

♏ Scorpio – We’re near the solstice, and I suggest you strap in and hold tight. The Earth does this neat little move twice a year. For six months, we’ve been tilting ever southward, bringing the top half of the planet into darkness. And for a moment, on the solstice, at this one particular instant, the Earth stops tilting and changes direction and goes the whole other way. 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilograms of rock and magma and air and people just casually changing direction in space. No biggie. When the time comes—close your eyes, make a wish, and count to three.

♐ Sagittarius –Probably because it’s your birthday time, whilst your powers are at their strongest, you will be able to pull off a crazy feat that even the likes of Mary Toft couldn’t believe. Mary Toft, btw, convinced several doctors in England in 1726 that she had given birth to rabbits. It was not pretty, nor was it hygienic. Now hear this: I’m not advising you to stuff rabbits or any other rodent in any of your special places. However, there is no whim or fancy you shouldn’t indulge. Think outside the box, and then go nuts. It’s time for your own theater of the weird. Think big.

♑ Capricorn -When astrology attempts to predict, is the same moment when science reinforces its logical hold on, well...everything. However, astrology isn't for prediction---unless the 14th century king you're working for wants a son, or else he goes to war with the french...again. Astrology can used to describe the present, and so often we are in a process of self discovery that astrology can provide some light on an already repressed subject. Speaking of repression, your sign is due for some release valve action. Tune in, turn on, and don't drop out because all you need to know is right here, right now. It’s your tomorrow, today.

Aquarius ♒ -The Aquarius female is a study in both frustration and delight. The Doc Pants’ theory is that in a relationship, the Aquarius female is the alpha, or more dominant, or wears the pants---I’m not sure that she knows that consciously tho. I also posit that two Aqaurii together should make for a good show. Speaking heterosexually, the Aquarius male is generally passive, and as long as a healthy sexual appetite is engaged, pretty much happy in the back seat, fewer decisions, fewer multiple outcomes to consider. I also posit that no one can understand us, like us. For now, just figure out who you are and give that a shot. Love is in the air.

♓ Pisces -Keep your eyes and ears to the skies and the trees this week, because a flock of good omen has been asking for you and are seeking you out to bestow good fortune upon you the likes of which you can’t possibly imagine. The fowl in question are any number of bands of wild parakeets that roam the southland, set free over the 20th century from old theme parks and pet store fire calamities, there are thousands of parakeets that live amongst us. They bring you luck and contentment. This week, open your ears and eyes for the bounty that’s all around you. Look up.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries – In 1954 in Oak Grove, Al. a meteorite crashed through the roof of Ann Hodges’ house while she lay on the couch, and struck her in the hip. Sadly her only resulting super power was an artificial hip that squeaked when she rumbaed. And she’s not the only person to have been hit by a meteorite, in fact you’re more likely to be hit by a space rock than by lightning. And I’m not bringing this up to imply that you will be hit by falling space debris. However, that said---it wouldn’t hurt to keep an eye to the metaphorical sky for something unexpected. It’s that time of year for sudden change and whimsical outcroppings of good luck and good omens. Meteor season is here and you’re due for a wild ride.

♉ Taurus – Your pithy, annoying yet meaningless phrase for the week—which may provide some comfort or even insight to those less cynical among us, especially true for people who take stock in what allegedly contented people may post on social networks is: Most people think that when your life falls into place you will find peace...BUT really, it's when you find peace that your life will fall into place. As much as this and other schmaltzy sentiments makes the Dr. Pants’ pants itch with tripe and nonsense, imagine if it were true…peace comes first, then everything else follows. You might just be positive enough to grasp this silliness.

♊ Gemini –Your power quote of the week comes from the great and deceased Bill Hicks: “Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”--We miss you Bill. Use his words to find your way thru the holiday muck.

♋ Cancer –Your riddle of the week has two possible 19^th century answers, and whether you’re in the mood for puzzles is irrelevant because sometimes that’s what life gives ya. So, why is a raven like a writing desk? The first answer is that Poe, as in Edgar Allan, wrote on both. The other is that both have inky quills. Yes, yes…clever. But the riddle was coined by Lewis Carroll and intended to have no answer—just rot and nonsense. Perhaps you can think of a third. When life gives you riddles, make lemonade, or fake bullshit answers, or make up whatever you please—there are far more than two answers or two sides to every thing and non-thing—far more than might currently be dreamt of in your philosophy.

♌ Leo –There’s a reason that Aquarius and Leo are opposite and equals on the zodiacal wheel. So I won’t bore your pragmatic self with tales of horoscopes that promise future success, or spiritual insight, nor unexpected wads of cash that are surely headed to your face. The Lion is the king of the jungle for a reason—he’s conquered all other predators, as well as the predators of the mind that would seek to unseat him through twisted machinations of brain bending torture, that can be the undoing of even the most fiercely logical beasts. So, to sum up—nothing interesting is coming your way. Relax, have a smoke and a blintz, and a gander at your favorite porn site. Everything is coming up Lion—as usual. Double ROAR.

♍ Virgo – My favorite story behind the constellation Virgo has to do with Dikē, the goddess of the spirit of moral order and fair judgment based on immemorial custom, in the sense of socially enforced norms and conventional rules—according to Hesiod anyway. And she was sent by Zeus to earth to keep things fair amongst mankind. And for years, she did a swell job. Everyone lived in peace and agriculture and we were quite a glory, agrarian and respectful. Then we invented ships, and sailing and crossing seas and invading. Dikē was disgusted, so much so she left for Olympus to be away from the disappointment man was to become, competitive, warlike, and vile. Worst kids ever. Now she watches over us from the heavens. Wow, this is a lot of info. Draw your own conclusions. They should be of a profuse myriad of zillions upon zillions upon even more zillions and… Go now.

♎ Libra –I’m not advising you to take an axe to anything--just yet. However, your power activist of the week is Carrie Nation, who, if you’re unfamiliar, used to take an axe to local saloons to discourage alcoholism, and being 6ft tall and 175lbs was a force to be reckoned with, regardless of the efficacy of promoting temperance through property destruction. That said, however---a metaphorical axe might be needed soon, and considering your usually peaceful nature, might seem like a sacrilege—to axe something that part of you may hold dear. But nature destroys all the time to promote new growth. Look around your life. Anything need axing?

♏ Scorpio – My favorite story about the constellation Scorpio is that because of his excessive pride, Orion the Great Hunter had to be taken out by a giant scorpion, which impressed Zeus (speaking of pride…), who then put Orion forever in the sky, where he’s visible in the winter sky, but flees in the summer during scorpion season. But think not that this silly ‘scope is about your pride. From whence does pride emerge? Probably from power. Vanity and self love come after one realizes that he/she wields a mighty sword—be it one of metal, insight, intellect, passion, beauty or love. I’d never advise you to curb your enthusiasm because that’d be a waste of breath. So fell free to go big, scorpion season is months away.

Oh, and Dave—probably read Sag—I picked that one for you.

♐ Sagittarius –Your power Sagittarian for the week, from whom I hope you draw a parallel and kindred ambition, is comedian Bill Hicks—born Dec 16. In fact this quote should be all you need to bolster your possibly sagging economy of late: “We are not bodies--that we are pure, loving spirit created by god. That god is love and there is nothing but love, being all-encompassing, has no opposite. You are completely forgiven on all things, there’s nothing you’ve ever done that has ever swayed god’s pure and un-conditional love for you. And you realize that eternity and peace and heaven is our inheritance, all of us are going to make it there.”---- Happy Birthday, Sagittarius, and Cheers to the Beyond!

♑ Capricorn –My favorite story about the constellation Capricornus starts with the tasty bit that Chronos, god of all, used to eat all of his children until his consort Rhea hid one from him, giving him a rock wrapped up in diapers instead—which Zeus ate. Tasty, but a little heavy I’m guessing. Anyhowdy, this saved child, named Zeus, was cared for by a nymph named Amalthea and her pet goat. The goat’s skin would later serve as Zeus’ shield btw. Also btw, while playing with the goat, Zeus, then in early Clark Kent-like clumsiness, broke off one the goat’s horns—which became the Horn of Plenty, which I think is just supposed to dispense healthy fruit and grains—but your cornucopia…Yours puts out all kinds of crazy good for society type shite. Nice work if you can get it, right? Turn it to eleven.

Aquarius ♒ -Under current theories, our DNA contains 99.3% the same DNA as Neandertals, and whether we, or climate killed them off, or we just bred them out, I wonder what Homo Sapiens would have been like without them. Maybe we were the ones prone to violence. Maybe they were like hippies and were the true inventors of peace and love and harmonic vibration that can be felt throughout the ‘verse. And whilst we’re speculating, what if some small wild bands of pure Neandertals escaped our pillaging of the planet, possibly even surviving to this day in Yeti or Bigfoot form. Much to ponder here, fellow Aqua, but ponder this: what in your mind is a misunderstood scourge to be genetically eliminated—and what should you find peace with and make allies—possibly even lovers? Oh---and probably read Sag—it might make you feel something…

♓ Pisces –My favorite origin story about the constellation Pisces is that when Eros and Aphrodite were being chased by the monster Typhon, they jumped into the river, transformed into fish and so as not to lose each other, tied themselves together with a cord—hence the symbol of Pisces as two fish. Is Pisces the birth of codependency? Is codependency all that bad? Are we our brothers’ keepers? Can a human truly survive alone? I’m guessing that’s why Pisces and Virgos end up together so often—mutual need—two fish that want to explore, but don’t want to get lost. Find your favorite fish friend and kiss them hard on their weird fishy fish lips.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –Your power body of water for the week is Lake Peigneur in Louisiana. In 1980, the Diamond Crystal Salt Company made a critical error while drilling for salt beneath the lake, collapsing the lakebed and creating for a time the largest waterfall in the state—50m tall!…nearly killing a fisherman and surely a shit ton of catfish. Undiscovered beneath you is a treasure trove of something valuable. I say, poke in the wrong spot, jab where you shouldn’t and bathe deeply in whatever beauty lies untapped beneath your glittery shores. Punch through with no regrets.  

♉ Taurus -So wait, what? I Dream of Genie was about a freaking astronaut who found a genie? He’s a freaking astronaut, like the one guy who doesn’t need an all powerful genie. He’s a freaking astronaut, he can probably fend for himself---he’s been to freaking space. When does the little guy get a genie—besides in a Disney film with a blue Robin Williams? I don’t know if you’ll find a literal genie this week, but your odds of chancing upon a metaphorical wish granter are seriously in your favor. Make sure you have your wishes in order of importance and preference. And don’t wish for more wishes---even non-literal genies are onto that shite.

♊ Gemini –The difference betwixt exult and exalt is one of inches. One is literal, one figurative. Exult is to leap, as in joy, exalt is to praise, as in the joyful kind. Both are movements toward an expanded multiverse. My advice to you is to get your feet high up in the air--higher than any earthly remorse can affect you, higher than your biggest hopes could have hoped to achieve. In the coming days, you will be called upon both inwardly and out, to reach the stars through love and dreams and jumping as high as you can. Tonight, sleep well and dream of large women--tomorrow—orbital velocity and maximum perigee and possibly bliss.

♋ Cancer -Listening to the ice melt in my drink, my only think is about the what and where and why and how, and whether or not we have the time, the expanse of mind and empathy to unblock the shit clogged tubes of infirmity that we survive on, but rarely applaud or exalt. The vodka we  freeze, and dropping the remnants into our glass, does not include the viscosity of the liquid still clinging through weird temperature chemical bonds, which after warming, still yields a good swallow, if not a sip of alcohol, that would have been wasted, if not for science. As much as I advocate faith—this week, look to the science, and separate from the myth that which is unmistakably earthly, and drink deep.

♌ Leo –Your irredentist ways must come to an end. Further exploration into territories, which are in no way under your purview is an encroachment into another’s sovereignty--which if they’re cool with that, I guess go ahead and encroach, impede and squelch. But your appetite has been so fervent of late, that we’re all a bit aghast at your cash drawer discrepancies. Home is indeed where the heart is this week, so tend to the garden, as well as the rest of the inmates. The outer world can wait. For now, tend to your own and assume the rest will follow.

♍ Virgo – Up to a certain historical point, boobies---as in the titty type, not the avian, were primarily functional appendages, not hidden or to be afeared or ashamed, and then as society and belief developed, we added mystery and taboo and forbidden secrets--no lookie no touchie, ever ever ever, until married and in the utmost of privacies, and certainly not for public display—even if it’s being used for its functional purpose—to feed. Titillation is a later evolution. A boob is just a boob. This titular metaphor is yours for the week. Recognize with your mind’s eye, the fallacy and samsara we are all witness to—and what parts of it you can ignore. Tits up!

♎ Libra –I wonder…evolutionarily speaking—which comes first, the niche or the need for one? I’m not arguing for fate here, but consider: the multiversal creator—Vishnu, or I think he goes by Johnny-Two-Tone these days, wouldn’t waste energy and space—and time, very important stuff—to a thing that has no purpose. A thing exists because it has a role to play, otherwise why create it? What’s you role, I wonder…Self determined to be sure, but in a grander scheme—what of you? No need to decide, just wear a cool hat and be who you are—be like yourself, and remember: there is no spoon.

♏ Scorpio – Due to some carpal tunneling, I’ve been concentrating on being left handed this week—somewhat successfully. I just let my other side do the lifting, pulling, typing and twisting—everything. I let him lead—HIM, my shadow self, the other ME that waits for the right hand to make the right move. What knowledge and ability may lie in your other handedness may be a rich untapped vein. This week, focus your mind on the other side, the one that rarely gets the chance to shine, to lead and decide. It may open your mind to another weirdly different ‘verse.

♐ Sagittarius –The Giant Space Rat Invasion of 2032 is still a few years off, so let’s talk earthly vermin for a mere moment. Btw this Dr. Pants was born on the first day of the Year of the Rat in 1972. Happy New Year and Birthday to Me! Anyhoo…Chinese-ly speaking, you could be any one of 12 different animals. It’s vital you find your hidden animal guardian angel and exalt him to the utmost of your possibly rat abilities. Sag’s may be associated with horses, but there’s a bunch of weirdos in the zoo, so find yours, maybe get a tattoo and connect with whatever you are…be it rat, ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, sheep, monkey, rooster, dog or pig.

♑ Capricorn -Looking to the past for truth and understanding is cool, but say rather you follow the logical evolution forward, rather than repeat the past...which does have an annoying habit of biting us in the arse. To repeat, the past does not by nature require repeating---unless you like it. In which case go ahead, do it again and again and again. But if, you want something different...you have to be something different. Be the change. Be the catalyst. The future awaits new instructions. And as usual, you’re full of ideas and other shite. Go now. Design, until your lips bleed promise.

Aquarius ♒ -The list of famous Aquarian singers is weird: Axl Rose, Bob Marley, Justin Timberlake, Mike Patton, Phil Collins and etc—mostly men, oddly. Seems to me that singing is a rare Aquarian desire or gift. It involves too much expression and soul and connection to a body that resonates with the vibrations of higher strings and multiversal harmonies, seemingly apart from the deep seated expediencies of the mind--ours racing at supersonic speeds pretty much 24/7. Or maybe, all we Aquarii should start a choir and create harmonies for the future, which no one has yet to hear. Just sayin---maybe you should warm up the pipes. Sing out loud, sing out free.

♓ Pisces –We’re all looking for those moments--where time slows down and a more resonant quality pervades the senses, as if something deeper might actually be possible, even prevalent within us, extending to all living energy in the multiverse, one breath omnipotent through and out. These moments usually occur unexpectedly, sans notice, forewarning or heads up. And their depth usually dissipates as quickly, forwarding us in time to present speed, where little moments escape like farts in the wind. This week, catch the farts--lest they disappear from your larger brain grasp area.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –Your power muscle of the week is the pupillary sphincter! Yes---there are other sphincters. The human body has over 50 different kinds—not just the big guy downstairs! The pupillary kind help shrink the iris in bright light. Hella important. Before that muscle was invented, bright lights were dangerously painful, and now they’re just annoying. The eye sphincter changes our whole life from blinding and imperiling to nearly pleasant and not scream inducing. Use this tiny but powerful muscle as a metaphor and things will be clear as day. You can control the x-y-z axis.

♉ Taurus – There are two types of Trekkies of note—the old school and the new. The latter believes that the new Trek is the best Trek. That Chris Pine and former NBC Hero Spock are so sexually charged! The former is one who appreciates the Shatner, who abides the blasphemes of a newer Trek, one who has actually seen all the original episodes and who believes in a Roddenberry future, where everyone is equal and everyone is educated and given the best future possible through science, the ultimate sci-fi hippie genius—Gene mother fucking Roddenberry. The latter can go suck eggs. The former should inherit the earth, for we are the dreamers and we are the dreamers of dreams, forever and ever…engage. Be the Shatner.

♊ Gemini –If possession is nine tenths of the law, and two trains, one leaving Chicago at 11:30am CST, and the other leaving Jarvis Island at like one-ish on Thur, local time--whatever that is, and two strangers meet interdimensionally halfway to the bar car from opposite sides of the caboose, how do these two people, who are intrinsically soulmates, being literally part owner of the other’s heart and soul, how will these two people ever meet--on different trains, from different land masses, dancing on different strings? How? You must find the ONE. The time is now. Focus. 

♋ Cancer –This week, might makes right, so walk however you want, but carry a formidable cudgel and hey-don’t tread on me, all the whilst bearing in mind the insane delusion that we are forever under, constantly being swayed from subatomic string to multiverse engulping brane---that you---YOU are the Panama Canal, a trip to the moon within this decade, and mos def the whole damn enchilada. And I know there aren’t many Cancer atheists, so I’ll be brief and posit this: your nut sac is a mixed bag. You may have the divine right of kings, but keep your feet to the ground and aim your heart toward the path of the beam.

♌ Leo -Your recent period of glaciation and orbital decay is about to come to a splendiferous and cum splatteringly blah blah blah---ahh frak it, I can’t fool you with such hokum. Another bullshit horrorscope about shit that’s made up by some doof. I’m a pragmatist and join no clubs ever, especially those who believe in shit about the sky influencing or mirroring my fate. Fuck fate. My environment is a product of me right? Fuckin-A right. And I don’t take shit from nobody. I don’t need to tell you this, but: keep up the macho--it’s what’s for dinner.

♍ Virgo –Your proverbial junk drawer is overflowing with irrelevant crap, and regardless of your penchant for oleos and sundry itemizing, not to mention how each ridiculous item in your junk pile has a cool story about why it’s there---nevertheless and howsomeever, it’s time to separate the junk from the drawer and consequently, your cluttered mind, which has been hoarding sans reason for some time now. The junk must move on. The Dr. Pants doesn’t normally advise getting rid of chaos, but if you want room for more, it’s out with the old and in with the new…junk. Go to town. And maybe get a haircut, you’re looking a little shaggy.

♎ Libra – Your power mammal of the week is the Giant Pangolin! It’s like a combination of an armadillo, anteater and a sloth. And just like the Ecuadorian Tube Lipped Nectar Bat, they have tongues that porn stars can only dream of, that can extend up to 40cm! They curl up into a ball if they're threatened, and they have well developed problem solving skills, primarily devoted to finding food. Ants and termites--- Yum! All that hiding, armor plating and insect sucking is great, if a tad aloof. The Great Pangolin Jamboree is coming up, so I suggest you start practicing your social skills. Even an armor plated trenggiling needs to party once in awhile. Have a beer, and try the brown ants-- they're suuuuper juicy.

♏ Scorpio –The anther, my friend, is blowing in the wind. So here it is: 85% of the time it works all the time. However, due to alleged big pharma malfeasance, 24% of the time you will be 85% closer to a nervous breakdown than you were 28% ago, so try to stay to this side of the 48% of the time that over 63% of people say they experience nausea or dizziness, and the 15% of people that experience dizzy gillespianism™. I predict that you will be 100% successful at least 45% of the time, and that is 78% true. You can take 93% of that to the proverbial bank! Good luck, and bring a change of pants, the future is full of weird math and sword fighting.

♐ Sagittarius -I'm like Jessie James I don't play games
/I might stumble and mumble but I don't drop names
/Cool like a six pack two speed with a kick back
/Smooth as a felt hat, wild as a wombat
/Toppin' the roster like Roger Decoster
/Bring your girl to my party you can bet that you lost her
/'Cause I'll rap a fast style and I make it stick
’/And all the girls can tell you my tongue is quick
/I rev it to the red line to get to the good time
/The pedal's to the metal, won't slow for the stop sign 
/Can't fake it won't take it push it over the top/
Two kinds of people and I know them well
/Those who go with the flow and those who think for themselves/
So bust it make a move now you're on the attack
/I like to see you shake it when you shake it like that.---- Mmhh, yeaahh…this week, recapture your soul.

♑ Capricorn – "What an astounding thing is the voice! By what miracle is the hot magma of the earth transformed into that which we call speech? If out of clay such an abstract medium as words can be shaped what is to hinder us from leaving our bodies at will and taking up our abode on other planets or between the planets? What is to prevent us from rearranging all life, atomic, molecular, corporeal, stellar, diving? Who or what is powerful enough to eradicate this miraculous leaven which we bear within us like a seed and which, after we have embraced in our mind all the universe, is nothing more than a seed — since to say universe is as easy as to say seed, and we have yet to say greater things, things beyond saying, things limitless and inconceivable, things which no trick of language can encompass." ---Henry Miller 1941. I couldn’t have said it better, now get off the pot.

Aquarius ♒ -My feeling is you need to learn to think along different lines and therefore I prose a dare: for the next week, be left handed, or right if you already are---go the other way; maybe not in everything, but make a concerted effort in at least one area of your daily routine to be the opposite handed. It may feel weird, awkward, possibly even titillating, but I guarantee you will see the world from an opposite perspective. Everything is programming…and programming can be altered. Change the prospectus of your internal diagnostics from the inside to see change from without.

♓ Pisces – There’s an infinite amount of things we could be doing, not to mention the things we should be doing, or think we should be doing, or would be advisable if we did start doing…time is running out…I guess. I mean--we are in a limited biosphere here, what with these bodies destined to rot and all. Fuck all those things. What’s important is what you’re doing. Right? So get on with it. No regrets, no bullshit, no more excuses. Go now. Be what you’re like, be like yourself. Stop whistling in the dark.