Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –The question you will face this week regards zombies, which the Dr. Pants assumes are being developed by the military for use as a weapon or maybe just a deterrent, but the question will be this, and we need a decently solid answer if we’re to survive the zombie viral pandemic of 2019—keep that on the DL btw, no need to panic the masses before it’s time to panic. So…here’s the big question: do zombies watch porn? Does the recent condom law apply to zombies?? Furtherly, will zombie porn push regular human porn out of the San Fernando valley? What of valley porn? What of it?? Fight the future!! 

♉ Taurus –Your power birthday creature of the week is the tardigrade! Congratulations, I guess, and felicitous natal blessings upon all you bulls. A tardigrade btw, is a water dwelling segmented micro-animal. They’re a teensy .5mm in length and can survive at temps at nearly absolute zero! Which, if you seen regular zero, the absolute is indeed far more intense—just imagine the pressure that water would have to be to get to absolute zero. Oy vay, right? Life is springtime and burgeoning, and able to survive at ridiculous depths—driven to survive, because even if there is no actual god, there is this one ever changing moment of NOW. Happy birthday—your current market conditions are bullish to an absolutely absurd degree.  

♊ Gemini –Nihilism is such bull crap, right? They believe in nothing? Do they believe in dark matter? The Dark Side, what? It’s exhausting ignoring your innate beliefs, and tenets and dogmas and rituals, be they religiously oriented or nay, more to the obsessive compulsive side, repetitive stress injury sort of thing… The Dr. Pants’s point is, is that belief is hard wired into our genes, we ooze belief because it’s a brilliant paradigm for an advantageous evolution that has treated us decently, despite wars and plagues and Lucas retooling Star Wars. Belief is inescapable. Whatever you believe—pretend it’s a pool, and don’t think, just dive.

♋ Cancer –Have you been hiding from the recent eclipse cycle and solar new year deep inside the innards of a palazzo of a Lombard collector? If so, it’s time to dub your movie back into english, and restore, rejuvenate, and yes, you’re still smokin’. Warm seas and inviting breezes are calling, and hibernation is officially kaput and kybosh’d®. The beach, the water, all of the liquid world is sloshing itself into the coming frenzy of an impending solstice, the world’s oceans just roiling with life and an insistence that mankind merely believes that he/she/we are the top of the food chain, but that SHE is far more powerful, more ancient, and crikey—gave birth to all us monkey bipeds. This week, seek thou the big Mamma Earth.

♌ Leo –You know what the Dr. Pants hates most? No, it’s not avocado pancakes—it’s red lights. RED makes him so angry! Whats with all the stopping? We’re in a car that is designed, built and literally driven to MUTHER FRAKKING GO, am I right?? Okay, frak, let’s cool the collective jets—and wait, were we talking about the Dr. Pants, or the Leos aka you? Yes, YOU, the royal You, the editorial—metaphorically speaking, from now til your natal celebrations and equinox next, don’t stop believin’, take only yes for an answer and knock on doors til your knuckles bleed red with the blood of the never say die King of the Yunque. Find your inner Puerto Rico. Caress your roots and build a temple that will make your neighbor’s temple look like a pile of puke. And unfortunately, you will have to stop at some reds, dammit.

♍ Virgo –This week, you will meet a short handsome stranger. He, she, or whatever you kinky Virgins are into, this handsome stranger will incite your hopped up brainial area with a thousand ideas at once, regarding the past, the NOW moment, and the ever evolving future, and hopefully who’s going to win the next SuperBowl—besides the fans—we’re always winners! The Dr. Pants’s point is, is that a chance encounter—and yes, all encounters have an equal probability of chance—I guess, sort of… Okay, maybe forget I told you about the stranger—which is likely, knowing your ilk—boozy booze booze, am I right? So, in conclusion, nothing will happen this week. What droids? Move along.

♎ Libra –the first time the Dr. Pants laid eyes ‘pon a Libra sun, it were a scandalous delight, reminiscent of—why does reminiscent contain the word scent? Ah yes, your natural recently bathed self is resplendent and difficult to nail down, in earthly terms. The Pants am reminded of a beach, somewhere near Nice, Fr, coastally refulgent with good vibes and wine that induces lounging, transposed over centuries and eons of pondering and palavering until we arrive coincidentally at this moment. Libra = air. Air necessitates inspiration. Breathe, and repeat, and no thing could even dream of obfuscating or getting all up in your junk. L'anarchie et l'entropie, mais avec compassion. Respirer et puis répétez, s'il vous plaît, mon ami.

♏ Scorpio –The stage is yours for the next little while. We’re approaching the one time of year containing a Scorpio full moon that just recently began with a partial eclipse new moon, under rejuvenating Taurean sunlight. In fact, posit thusly: Taurean sunlight, enfirmed and embiggened with the heat and vibrancy of eternal life in an eternally endless multiverse, well… shite, that’s right up your bowling alley. Nigh, your moon will be buxom and clearly cratered and hella spot lit, right after the sun just reminded us who’s really in charge of lighting this particular corner of the ‘verse. Now is the time to be the lightning, time to the forward the Light Brigade. Into the valley of eternal life, rode the six hundred. This NOW—this now, is your time.

♐ Sagittarius –I sense that the astral equine in you is attempting to bolt and head for more heavenly skies, but this Dr. Pants urges restraint only up till the last possible second, when no one could be expected to hold back a spilling forth of divine earthly bliss. Play smart rather than desperate, for it will reward you in the long and shortest of terms. Grab your reins and save expedience for another day. That said………….Abandon ALL restraints and withholdings. They mean squat diddly poop farts. Restrain thyself ONLY if necessary to protect & serve a greater good or the family jewels. Elsewise, mount up and ride, ride until you’re done. 

♑ Capricorn –Earth. One of the old school elements. Posit this: how long did it take our current species to transmogrify their environs into understanding of their environs, and eventually toward some hope of controlling those environs and, well…taking over and engendering more and more intricate beliefs systems, dominating the food chain, and potentially the entire continuum, with our incessant need to create THE NEXT MOMENT, AND TO FOSTER A FUTURE OF INTENDED DELIGHTS? It took many millions of years. Don’t worry about it. You were built for this mountain, you silly billy goat. Lots of sunlight, go climb—climb up.

Aquarius ♒ -This recent eclipse cycle is the perfect time to discuss your penchant for a recent dalliance into the self fulfilling samsara of the paraklausithyron, aka in ancient troubadourian lingo, a lover’s lament at a door. Point is, is that the Dr. Pants is not so subtly implying that for too long you’ve been clinging to the comforting blankie of something or someone that you thought contained a gravity that, well…had a perfect orbit to fall into. So why has it been fighting you? The Dr. Pants suggests, finding another door, or maybe a wormhole, to a same or similar end, or maybe toward a brighter star. All roads lead to heaven, or at least the next ‘verse. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. Think around the corner.

♓ Pisces -You put the lever in clever and the pickle in the tickle. And the Dr. Pants doesn’t need to you the inform the likes of you, you fishy fish fry you, that the party in your pants, professional or otherwise, is bright and burgeoning, pulsating and archetypically erect, engorged with the lifeblood of a billion billion billion googolplex of gentalia, all firing in unison for an almost uncomfortable period of time, but mos def, soul cleansing—like a soul enema. You clever lever, you. Despite recent setbacks, you’re in prime shape for some ass kicking and name dropping to achieve an absurdly bright and immediate future that will explode to the face and amaze balls. Surf’s up. It’s way up.    

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                               

♈ Aries –Under the current regime of invigorating Taurean sunshine, it’s best to visit some beliefs that have been swimming in our gene pool, much longer than atheism has existed. The Dr. Pants posits that it’s time to go for a widdershins nine times around your favorite golden calf, statue of Elvis, or if you feel really old fashioned, an actual church. A widdershins btw is movement in the opposite direction of the apparent path of the sun. Astrologically the earth is new right now. Find your favorite fairy mushroom ring and invoke some magic. Nine times. Appease the faerie queen, and she will loose your desires upon the world. Go anticlockwise.

♉ Taurus –In honor of nerds everywhere, and your birthday time, it’s time to pick your favorite super hero, and then literally become that super hero, and then defeat all the evils of this too oft mundane world. Personally the Dr. Pants favors the Hulk. At his core, he's a man divided, and on the surface he's indestructible. The angrier he gets, the stronger he becomes. He's literally unstoppable. And he doesn't bother anyone till someone bothers him. And he's green. And in far better shape than the actual Dr. Pants. There's a wide array of heroes these days. Take a hint from the WonderCon world and maybe even dress in your favorite spandex and show us what you got. Power way up and go green and—Happy Birthday, you rakish cad.

Gemini ♊-You are a twangy charmer, and the Dr. Pants believes that soon, your mouth and the mouth of your "true" soulmate will meet in a determined and advantageously sexual way that transmogrifies the two you into a blossoming flower, reminiscent of an age when plants ruled the earth—humanity’s true forbears, that evolved from one celled engines, just eating and moving, and after several billions of millennia of cooling starfire bang bang big bang style. Plant a kiss, and relish the gathering vine entwining bliss.

♋ Cancer - Btw, it's odd that reminiscent has the word scent in it. That said, it’s springtime under a loving, if tempestuous Taurean sun, and life is burgeoning across the northern hemisphere of this here floating mass of still cooling fire and star stuff, and here we are awitness and full frontally seated to the whole apple pie ala mode with a Percocet on top! That said, there’s lots of sweetly scented action en route to your face, as we aspire to solstice and your birthday and full on summer lovin’. The Dr. Pants is not endorsing coasting nor lollygagging—there’s much to be done, and many to be palavered. But for now, you are a dynamo, a juggernaut and gamma ray-riffic. 

♌ Leo –For the next week, the first week of a friendly Taurean sun, you, the royal YOU btw, have the power of Greyskull. You posses the strength of Lou Ferigno, and the eyes of Hawkman, I guess—or Eagle Eye, or John Malkovich in In The Line of Duty—solid thriller from a pre 9/11 time, when Eastwood was still shooting bad guys with big ass guns. My point is, is that lionesque Leo and charge charge Taurean bullishness is pro bono and no sorpresa, mucho en fuego and muy más macho. We’re all counting on you to light it up—it’s time, and you are the light switch.

♍ Virgo – Btw, it's odd that reminiscent has the word scent in it. That said, it’s springtime under a loving, if tempestuous Taurean sun, and life is burgeoning across the northern hemisphere of this here floating mass of still cooling fire and star stuff, covered ironically with an ocean full of salt—the old NACL to the hizz-ouse(sp?), and here WE are, THE ROYAL WE awitness and full frontally seated to the whole apple pie ala mode, avec le melted fromage, with a pretty little Percocet on top! The year seems young—inspire and breathe deep the gathering blessings of all favorable futures. Oh—and don’t forget, dream of large women. You have the power.

♎ Libra - Sleep is an evolutionary advantage that the Dr. Pants posits is a result of safety in numbers, a burgeoning intellect, and an expanding utilization and dominance of resources. Cooperation is indeed advantageous. As we level the odds of a stable future—fingers crossed anyway, since chaos and entropy have a nasty habit of ruining parties and picnics, The Dr. Pants further posits that we have somehow EARNED sleep, and that has allowed evolution and environment to get together, orgy shite up and create dreams, REM, and Chris Nolan. This week, take permission to nap and regenerate—the future is fraught with fascinating late night fun. Gear way up.

♏ Scorpio –Some people, and even places are energy monsters, not just in comic books, but many in literal mojo sucking form, and possibly because that's how they were taught to go thru this 'verse, and somehow how they’re diseased rather than culpable, but narytheless, the laying or plying of blame never gets anyone laid, am I right? Well, sort of...the human race is pretty diverse…my point is, is that it’s the time of the Taurean sun, your opposite yet equal, old and relatively new energy mirroring one another, a duo that rides from heaven to hell and probably back again as if it were mere a postal route. And furtherly consider that fire literally becomes earth, over time. To turn a phrase: Grok your opposite. What you glean will enlighten.

♐ Sagittarius –I hope you’ve been studying your lines because this week, you’re be starring in a long overdue remake of Smokey and the Bandit. You’ll be acting the role of Bo “Bandit” Darville, adventurer, bootlegger and driving enthusiast. Now, the Dr. Pants knows you need an oil change, but this week, forget your innards and keep focus on your outwards. Project thyself into the world, and resound with the power of knowledge plus action equaling freedom from litigious oppression and recently outlawed justice. Let your fire be a beacon, and enlighten the world. 

♑ Capricorn - The Dr Pants posits thusly: that we are only modulating the current state of the art, according to temporal customs and norms, and that the speed of the ship of state increases via Moore's Law—exponential to the hizzle, yo… as in the speed of tech, which doubles like every 18 months, but even that number probably increases over time, resulting in massive societal changes over shorter and shorter periods of time. Posit: perhaps the same way the Neanderthals went—up against a superior species, fueled by a massive tech increase, and quite possibly intentionally subsuming and intermarrying an entire species—apparently advantageously so. In re original posit: as is your modus operandi, keep making the world yours, under the care giving eyes of a Taurean sun, the first and foremost of earthly signs. Seek thou thy kin and extend and extemporize your sweet state of the art.

Aquarius ♒ -EasterPassover in LA seems like a shallow event compared to the midwestern America or the southern, or pretty much anywhere but the west coast—which is the coast with the mostest, fer sure, what with the immense diversity on avail, from all parts of the globe, including the native Los Angleans. Angelians. Angelenos. No, still sounds wrong. Anyhoo, regardless of origin, this time of year with multiple names and histories, is refulgent with energy. Take use of it, the earth is literally gaining speed, and atilt at a selfishly sunny disposition. Life is on sale and you have max credit. Spend lavishly on yourself, because why the frak not? Banks were designed and implied to be broken.

♓ Pisces –I hope you’ve been studying your lines because this week you will be starring in one of Hwood’s most overdue remakes, John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China. Possible retitle: BT in the LC. Yo. You’ll be playing the part of Jack Burton, adventurer, rig jockey and lover of women from Sex and The City. Lo Pan is on the loose, and something has really pissed in his bonnet, and it’s up to you to modernize and de-racify this movie and have sex with at least one Sex in the City actress, or actor, preferably in a graphic HBO style that implies intellect as well as engorged genitalia. Suit up, we ‘re all counting on you. This remake could remake everything…

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –We just saw stage one of a rad tetrad the other night, so the Dr. Pants will skip right to the chase: lunar eclipses happen twice a year, at least in this epoch with our swing dancing partner the moon, and this one is the first one of a series of four total lunar eclipses in a row—aka tetrad! The final full moon total lunar eclipse sashays along in Sept 2015. If doors are gonna open readily, merely by your potent mind bullets, from now till next Sept is a ripe time for new perspectives on old regimes of thought and behavior. As in: you, box, out of box, grok different, and elongate your providence, point of view and potential prospectus. Full on, Dude—Activate.

♉ Taurus –Did you feel the tetrad the other night? It was rad. A tetrad is a series of four total lunar eclipses occurring at full moons, and we just waltzed through the first one. From now till Sept of 2015 is potentially a time of great change, if one is inclined and adept at navigating the currents of our collective con- and uncon- sciousnesses. First basely, this first of four moons heralds a shift into Taurean based sunlight, so congrats and happy almost birthday. Secondish, you’re already thru the door, just ask the wish fairy for what you want. She’s in a granting mood starting…NOW.

♊ Gemini –So, what’s new? Did you happen to feel the tetrad the other night? A tetrad btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers, it’s pretty heady erotic stuff. We all recently went thru a doorway into another sequence of numbers. If there’s something or someone new in your life of late, it is potentially possible, after a Libra full moon eclipse and onset of tetrad, that it’s something or someone you should follow up on. It/They may be your companion thru this next series of entertaining geometric orbital patterns. Hold hands and dismiss all fears.

♋ Cancer –Crabs, tides, tidepools, primordial ooze, and let’s talk frankly about oblate spheroids and bulging, as in the equatorial kind. So, this rock we live on is spinning, right, and because of centrifugal force, the planet bulges in the middle. We’re not spheres! We’re oblate spheroids! The moon pulls on us too, adding to the junk in our equatorial trunk. The world is neither flat nor round. Mind: blown. Oblate spheroids, who knew? We recently strolled through a full moon, full lunar eclipse—one in a series of four btw, called a tetrad. Tetrad. Four. A tetrad of doorways, as well as dimensions. Bulging time lines and spaces. Keep swimming—your ocean is about to get warm, calm, effervescent and luminescent, with lucky omens of phosphorescent and luminous providence.

♌ Leo –On average lightning strikes the earth 100 times per second, over a billion times per year. Yeah—big rock we’re spinning on, eh? And in the distant more primordial past, that number was likely a thousand times bigger. Now, the Dr. Pants won’t try to bullshite a bullshiter like you, but we just began a tetrad of full moon total lunar eclipses the other night with a real whopper in Libra. A procession of equinoxii has begun, and the lightning is on an upswing. Get yourself a lightning rod and make shite happen. The winds are divinely inspired and the skies bursting with electric love juice.

♍ Virgo –Prophets of doom are always wrong. Okay, turns out there was a couple guys who did indeed predict the 2008 financial collapse, but who’s counting, besides white collar crooks who somehow get no jail time? My point is, is that the other night we had a crash course in orbital geometry with the first of a tetrad. A tetrad btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers and sequencing, it’s pretty heady erotic stuff. But back to the dooms -dayers and –darers: Ignore all of them. We’ll be done with these fancy numbers in Sept 2015. Between now and then, feel free to move about the cabin and help yourself to a cocktail, or three.

♎ Libra –The Dr. Pants hopes you guys enjoyed the full moon in Libra the other night, as well as the onset of the tetrad! It was not only a full moon, but a total lunar eclipse—the kind you can look at and not burn your retinas to dust. And this is the first of four in a row, aka the TETRAD! The series will conclude with the fourth eclipse in Sept 2015—with the sun in Libra and the full moon in your cosmic dance partner, Aries. Orbital geometry is pretty nifty and potentially foreboding—not of ill necessarily, but rather like we’re waltzing thru the multiverse on this rock here for the next few ticks, and meantime traveling thru doorways of change, in body, mind, spirit and intent. One door opened, three to go…

♏ Scorpio –Did you feel anything weird or funky this week? The Dr. Pants posits that Scorps would catch some weird vibes as we began the tetrad the other nite. A tetrad btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers and sequencing, this is pretty heady erotic stuff. We’ll finish out the series of this wacky four sequentially orbital geometries in Sept of 2015. Doors are opening. We’ll be waltzing through some kooky interdimensional times and spaces for the nigh horizon. Scorps—search your feelings, we’ll need you to steer the ship through the slippery, and at times, eel infested waters of inevitable soulful transmogrifications.

♐ Sagittarius –We recently went thru the first of four doors the other night with the onset of the tetrad, which btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers and sequencing, this is like a free trip to boner town. There’s usually two lunar eclipses a year, but not necessarily complete and total immersions of la luna into our collective shadow. And now we’re looking down the barrel of three more! The last one will go down in Sept of 2015. So, think about long term, between now and the later now, and what small changes might affect the whole farm. Time to sow.

♑ Capricorn –I totally felt the onset of the tetrad. How was it on your end? A tetrad btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers and sequencing, this is pretty heady erotic stuff. Anyhoo, there’s lots of facts and numbers I could throw at you, as well as potential astrological implications, but you’re Neo, and you don’t believe in any of that crap. The door in space that just opened doesn’t portend doom, gloom, prosperity, or enlightenment. It’s just a bunch of numbers that we want to find meaning in. Right? But nihilism is so—base, and bereft. Don’t worry about the vase, have a cookie, and you’ll feel right as rain.

Aquarius ♒ -We began the tetrad the other night. And it was rad. A tetrad btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers and sequencing, this is pretty evocative stuff. Howsomeever, before you careen through implied meanings and omens and portents of doom, eternal life, or nihilism, we just met the first one of these moons, the fourth one happening in Sept of 2015. This is the time to think bigger, grander, more long term and big picture show, and how small actions and beliefs affect the grander illusion of our current samsara. Elevate above the collective con- and uncon- sciousnesses and see it all at once. Time is nothing.

♓ Pisces –Well, here we are, just the three of us. You, me and that weird full moon total lunar eclipse we had the other night. Wild and wooly with wanderlust, no? Btw, this particular orbital event was the first in a series of four full moon eclipses in a row, aka a tetrad. In the world of numbers, it’s heady evocative stuff. And four full eclipses in a row is a rare space bird indeed. The last one won’t happen till Sept 2015, so between now and the later now, your salty ocean abysses may shift and roil. But grok the Aquaman and tell the sea life to chillax, grab some krill and watch all the wonder women unfold, like a dancer dreaming of nothing but movement and bliss.

                              Special heads up from the Dr. Pants !

Tonight, at 1058pm PDT, there will be a three and a half hour total lunar eclipse, totally visible where all the cool people and all the Dr. Pants’s’ are at—California!

… provided you have clear enough skies to see it, as well as the will to stay awake and somewhat sober till Fallon.

Griffith Park Observcatory has telescopes out, as well as nerd types to explain what the hell you’re looking at, but unfortunately probably lots of crowds and walking up a really big hill, and why do my knees hurt so bad? Did anyone bring ibuprofen?

If where you’re at is clear skies, don’t miss it. And remember solar is the one that will burn your retinas out, while lunar eclipses are eyeball friendly!

And check this shite: This total lunar eclipse is also a full moon! In Libra! And the shite gets radder still! This is the first of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row, aka a TETRAD. The last of the series will occur in Sept 2015!

In the world of math and numbers and sequencing, this is pretty heady erotic shite!  

So…tonight!

Enjoy the sky show, or go somewhere cool and catch an eyeful!

We are all made of star stuff.

Sincerely,

The Dr. Pants McTurd

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –It’s still your birthday time, so here’s a gift: get on the interwebs and google ‘kangaroos fighting’, and you will discover what your week is about to explode into. And yes there's science to it, but damn--it's hella entertaining. It's like no one gets hurt...just embarrassed. There might even be a future for you in kangaroo kickboxing. Tue is a full moon in your buddy Libra’s house of reflected light and this is your impending week: trying to box with really small arms, super strong legs, a lot of spit, and in the end probably a big fat draw. Use your tail for balance and spread tales of your multiple marsupial victories.

♉ Taurus –One more week of this Aries sun nonsense, and we will glide from fire into earth, into a Taurean sun, with the power of the bull to enforce stable loving energy on this chaotic evolution of crude matter. So just chillax, birthday time is on its way. Until then, Tue is a full moon and an eclipse, and it should be a doozy and a dilly of a pickle. The Dr. Pants advises all those with the blood of the bull to rest up, enjoy the light show, and prepare for a stellar time. The market is about to get quite bullish.

♊ Gemini –Just a heads up, Pluto, former planet and god of the underworld, is about to go retrograde. Just thought you’d like to be awared and thus prepared. Btw, planets or even their dwarven brethren, don’t actually move backward, at least not in this ‘verse. Their orbits are so long compared to ours that at certain times of year appear to be moving backwards. Point is, is that a minor planet, that wasn’t even discovered by humans until 1930, but yet named for the chthonic god of the underworld, is going to reverse course—kinda. Who knows what strange things might escape his afterlife and stop in for an earthly visit. Fear no thing, but keep eyes and ears peeled and pealed.

♋ Cancer –Astronomically speaking, we only see the past. Due to great distances red shifted light energy shows us what has already transpired, what has already happened millions upon millions of years ago. Posit: we study the skies, which show us the past, in the hopes of ascertaining the future? Wait, whaaa? Where the frak is Isaac Newton when you need him? Probably sleeping one off, am I right? The Dr. Pants’ point is, is that the future is only our best guess, and absolutes exist only in the minds of wishes, which if they were horses, then all beggars would ride. For now, make choices, regret nothing and breathe deep the gathering oceans of ether.

♌ Leo –This week, find a Libra, or rather they'll probably hunt your lionesque loins down. Be a nice kitty, and show deference. This atmospheric feline is as powerful as you, but in a different arena. She is a tiger of the air and she can, if she so desires, fuel your fire in a most profound way, a ferocious fount of shite you didn't previously think possible--a force greater than even you. The approaching Libra full moon on Tuesday will be a double doozie, a loony lulu, and possibly like a bat shit crazy antelope hopped up on the drugs. This week, stay wary, maybe grab a metaphorical cudgel, and walk softly like an angel. Let Libra the Lion lead the way.

♍ Virgo –Soon you will achieve the level of gravedigger, and be able to bask in the riches of a well deserved—wait a tick, grave robber, yes yes, I meant grave robber. You will soon be a professional grade grave robber, steal lots of treasure and retire to the good life in either Boca, or Santa Fe. Odd that spellcheck doesn’t correct gravedigger, but separates grave robber… Anywho, my point is, is that you are about to become infamous. Wield this power creatively, and for a worthy end to justify the potentially tawdry, bawdy and sultry means.

♎ Libra –This whole week is all about you, you sexy freak with perfect hair, and a strut that says, back off, hipster douche, and take your 70’s themed thrift store purchases with you. Tuesday is a full moon and eclipse—in Libra. A sun draped in Aries fire lights up our side of the moon that will then beam reflected Libran light all over the galaxy, drenching earth with knowledge you’ve been selfishly obsessing over until you’re sure it’s perfect. This week, drop the perfectionism, take ‘em out, dust ‘em off, and let’s ride.  

♏ Scorpio –Your Scorp ‘scope for this week has to do with full moons and eclipses and tectonic cooling. We’re under an Aries sun, a sign of fire that usually works well with Scorps, maybe because both signs use their astrological powers to transform themselves and surrounding energy fields into whatever your wackadoo brains are cogitating over and whatever your huge hearts are feeling. The earth began as fire, and is still cooling under continents of rock and oceans of immense weight and pressure. Tuesdays’ full moon and eclipse might use their gravity to bring fire to the surface. Presto and/or change-o.

♐ Sagittarius –The Dr. Pants has tracked multiple accounts of Sag’s walking into doors, usually of glass, shattering their egos ever so slightly and bruising a few noses. Posit: Sag is like future fire. You’re full of shite that hasn't even been imagined yet, but that probably will happen, cause fire is a creator. The Big Bang--as we call it now, is fire from nothing. And further, you are the eldest of fire signs, the most (cough) mature. Everything begins with fire. You are akin to the "original" energy that "began" our existence, our Prometheus, if you will. Steal the fire of a fresh Aries sun. Now is the time of Kush, from the Hindu region of space. Blaze, embolden and embiggen.

♑ Capricorn - We evolve at a speed in direct proportion to the speed at which our environment changes. There, I said it. Posit: since the speed of technology increases exponentially, are we not due for some massive leap in deoxyribonucleic acid technology, making us telepathic, or telekinetic, or maybe just mutants who can teleport? The Dr. Pants is super ready for that shite. The Dr. Pants also believes you’re due for a free upgrade to a higher level of tech savvy. And if you respond in the next ten minutes, you’ll also receive the superpower of your choice. Think big and dream ever epically.

Aquarius ♒ -Apologies—the Dr. Pants has been waylaid with such frivolities like stupid equinoxii, and wack alchemical changes from water into fire, and I know we’ve sorely needed the Dr. Pants’ Pep Squad to arrive with positive spring news, so let’s get some real shite brewing here, eh? First basely, WE are the DREAMERS and WE are the DREAMERS OF DREAMS. Secondish, WE are AQUARII—the likes of Darwin, Mozart, Galilee, and Dick Cheney (every basket has some bad eggs)…My point is, is that it’s time to unleash—your inner WHOOPEE MACHINE, and lay waste all ignorance to the roadside ditch, like a bag full of rotten lemons. Your instincts are pure and golden and should be employed. Fear nothing, take no prisoners, nor take no shite! Full moon with eclipse on Tuesday, and Pluto, former planet goes retrograde on Monday. It’s time for us to invent a new science.

♓ Pisces - Ok, Pisces, you fish—prepare for a rocking of your proverbial boat: the upcoming full moon on Tue is potent like a nasty case of the down and dirty. It's the first full lunation of the season, and your pants are about to be bowled over and blown off. And here's the kinky truth: you will find yourself passionate about something that might seem insane on the outside. However—it is spring and all things new and inventive are currently trendy, hip and unavoidable. You have no idea what's coming. It's wackadoo, probably bawdy and mos def sticky sweet.