Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –If you catch sight of a qilin in the near future, be not afeared—he’s been looking for you. A qilin is a mythical Chinese animal that looks like a lion mixed with a unicorn but with antlers, oh and btw---it’s usually on fire. Your lucky power animal may sneak up on you, as they prefer to catch you unawares and thus unprepared. For the good luck to sink in, your meeting must not be anticipated. That said, there’s a qilin a-comin, so prepare thy face for a qilin’s bounty. Leave the black cloud you’ve been camping stoically under for a more mythically pleasing set of skies. Roar.

♉ Taurus -If one expects lucky Fortune, one may be doomed to wait for a pot that never boils because the pilot light’s out. To harvest the most luck possible, one wants to be up at bat as many times as possible--more opportunity, more potential results, more risks taken, more potential payoffs. Granted, the results could become chaotic, depending on the type of risks you risk. So, maybe caution is wise, just watching all sidelined and repressed, so as not to arouse the wrath of the envious lotus eaters of discontinuity. And shite, we’re back to the unboiling pot again. Here we go—fuck all the logic! Get up to the plate and swing for the cheap seats. And then do it some more. Aim skyward and bold and unafeared.

♊ Gemini –“Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth – more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible; thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habits; thought is anarchic and lawless, indifferent to authority, careless of the well-tried wisdom of the ages. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. It sees man, a feeble speck, surrounded by unfathomable depths of silence; yet it bears itself proudly, as unmoved as if it were lord of the universe. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man.”

–Bertrand Russell. It’s 2014, Gemini—wake up and think big.

♋ Cancer –If you’ve been chased doggedly for months by a sasquatch, a yeti, a yowie, or some prehistoric aquatic gaelic leviathan, rest assured—those things aren’t real. For monsters to exist and not been found in the 2014 is highly unlikely. Just ask those last few isolated tribes trying to live in the rainforest away from the harping and preaching of societalized zealots. We’re all over this rock like white on rice. So, lose the monkey-man ogre beasties that have been tripping you up. Walk up straight and tall and unhindered by irrelevant shite. Be monster free since 2013!

♌ Leo –In theory, if someone from the distant future showed you all the cool stuff that future science has to offer, most of the technology would seem like magic. Like showing a toaster oven to an isolated Amazon tribe. It would probably scare the açaí right out of ‘em. But thanks to obsessive movie watching, we might not be fazed at all by such future trickery. When aliens come and destroy us with ray guns, we may stand agoggedly by like tree sloths in a Breaking Bad marathon. Something to think about, right?

♍ Virgo – A crater of eternal darkness isn’t all that bad. It’s a point on any space body that never sees sunlight due to its location, probably at a low altitude. However, consider the metaphor, like craters and impact zones inside our own shadowy consciousness where we never allow sunlight, perhaps out of fear of what we may find there—or, what we may do there. But in space, these spots are ideal for space exploration—they may hold water, and they could provide shelter from the onslaught of solar radiation. My point is, is that you should warm up the rover…it’s time to take a deep dark space drive and find what’s been hiding from the light of day. (and hey, maybe read Taurus…)

♎ Libra –You may feel as if you’ve been through a period like the Late Heavy Bombardment, as Earth is theorized to have gone through about 4 billion years ago, when a high number of asteroids and comets wreaked havoc in our system, impacting our early orb with material from the far reaches of infinite space, and depositing materials forged in the hearts of nuclear furnaces. And while your consciousness may have had many such impactful meteoroids, rest assured that they are all replete with riches, from precious and heavy metals, to globe warping mind evolutions. Harvest your space rocks and find some gold.

♏ Scorpio –Don’t bother to strap in. You’re about to hit the solar flow, bro-ham. Imagine a fusion furnace like our Sun, all the energy and light it’s emitting—the solar wind. So powerful that if the Earth lost its magnetic field, we’d be cut to ribbons by its radiation, and our atmo would be vented bye bye to the empty of space to find home somewhere else down the universal timeline in a big freeze this time, and we all dissipate, and dissolve like a dining room light on a dimmer switch. For now at least, You are ejected supersonic coronal mass lighting the ‘verse moving at maximum warp. Act accordingly.

♐ Sagittarius –This week you will need to googlewhack something, maybe in order to prove a drunken barroom point, or as a true test of creative spark we all know you possess in spades. A googlewhack, btw, is a contest where you try to Google two words with no quotation marks that will yield only one hit. Language, preferably made up, is infinite. We create words all the time, language is fluid and fruity like a mai tai. You need to express something hidden, and these two nonsense words, or nonsense phrase will light the way to wisdom and the manifest destiny of your consciousness from sea to shining sea. So, go googlewhack something weird, and grok some future.

♑ Capricorn –As we move through the last of your birthday time, your upcoming week will teem and topple with statistically improbable phrases and surprising advents of calm heartbeats and gentle swaying oceans of humanity’s collective soul, who all dwell in the same morass and endangerment as the you, or the I, or the we--aware of it, but preferably not ruled by it. So, get out your lung pipes and grease those vocal chords, because your undulating ululating creaminess will create good vibes for the rest of 2014. Happy new year and happy birthday, you handsome mountain goat bastards. Torque on.

Aquarius ♒ -Finally, it is our time. Our mutual sun moves into our sign, illuminating an all too short time of year, when feeling pleasure comes more easily, and energies carom at a higher rate of creative entropy, radiating a holy warping of borealis aurorae into our collective ids. We change in the Chinese fashion, up and onto the horse this year. Regardless of your birth totem, maybe it’s time to bond equine and ride, take time to see the sights, take lay of the land and gander what it’s all about. Better that way to settle into a future we can see from the air. Perspective is everything. Happy birthday, us. (and read Taurus if you enjoy reading)

♓ Pisces –Relax, have a mango and some tea. Your happy happy fun never stops birthday time is coming up, but before that your haircut needs to stay business up front and in back. It is not mullet time---not yet. Once you attend to business and gerrymanderize your priorities and get your house of cards in order, then it will be time to mullet. You can even go party in the front and party in the back if you want, and screw business altogether, but first TCB some outstanding shite, and then you can go party in mullet town. For now, work hard, and later party heartily.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –Your mission for the week, which may or may not bring enlightenment, but possibly bunions, is to find a rhyme for each of the following words: bulb, month, silver and angel. Here’s my advice since the task is impossible: you’re gonna have to make some shite up. The point is to open your mind and tap in to some new modalities of thought. Whip out you brain pan and ponder what might be different if you broke convention and just made shite up. Don’t take gulb, stonth, bilver or gagangel though, cause they’re mine. Merry 2014 and make up some glorious, all encompassing crazy shite. No limits.

♉ Taurus –Ironically, your equal and opposite on the wheel is Scorpio, who personifies change, the phoenix literally rising up from the ashes of what was, the eagle who rules the landscape—the penultimate symbol of change. And you, the Taurus, the bull, the unshakeable, the immovable force, beyond which nothing shall pass, stamp my feet and grrrrrrr--NONE SHALL PASS. Ironic it seems, considering your yang is the definition of metamorphosis. Merry 2014, and may all your choices be based not in obstinacy or fear or constipation, but in the crazed belief that we are not who we say we are. Roar.   

♊ Gemini –At a certain point, everyone is forced to stop believing in their own hype--either through consequence, or from regular periods of meditation and self reflection that enable the soul, the id, and the feral animal inside us all to unite and boldly plan new ventures that may prove advantageous for everyone, even the greedy lizard brain that drives our fears and carnal lusts. We’re malleable candy coated foofery® that looks more beautiful the more we stare fixedly intent upon its gaze. We are the lens, we are the portal. Forget this not: save you it can. 

♋ Cancer –Your power hors d'oeuvre of the week is the amuse-bouche, which differs from an appetizer because it is served at the option of the chef. In French, it translates to that which amuses the mouth and it can be used to give the person eating a big idea of the chef’s abilities in small bites. Depending on the chef, it could be something fancy from a parmesan pannacotta, to something simple like a plate of fermented figs, or a bowl of hot cheese and some pretzel sticks. You’re due for a serious amuse-bouche to the face and it could be here any minute. Bon appétit, tickle the tonsils and merry 2014.

♌ Leo –I don’t want to tease you, but you’re within a muggeseggele of achieving the greatest achievement out of all the achieving achievers that have ever achieved, Lebowski or otherwise. You’re gonna hit pay dirt mucho pronto, paisan, and I thought you should prepare thyself for the onslaught of yummy on the way to your honey lovin’ tummy. A muggeseggele, btw, is the approximate length of a fly’s wiener. Ergo, you’re like super close to awesome town. Just try to act surprised. In fact, I’ve said too much. Forget what you have read. Save you it can, merry 2014…

♍ Virgo – The ‘list of odd-toed ungulates by population’ is not your average Wikipedia page. It is also incomplete and arbitrary. It reeks of guttersnipe and the bilge water of disinformation that pervades the iVerse®, which I’m hereby creating and inventing as a metaphor for the sum total of experiences that the I, the royal WE, the editorial---ALL of the experiences on all cosmic and hereditary levels that are known to possibly exist according to people with lab coats and charts available for your sensual perusal. This is a new day, friend-o-liscious, so put on your hip waders—2014 is gonna get rather rhino-ish. Your future is ungulating.

♎ Libra –Your power animal for 2014 is a two tusked narwhal, named Desmond currently living in an aquatic commune off Norway. We may never truly know the true purpose of any narwhal tusk, and most have only one apiece. They may be a function of sexual attractiveness, like the mane of a lion. For all we know, they may have evolved to fight a certain kind of offworld alien that sought to invade our cold artic seas for the krill and algae populations and has since vanished. But you and your narwhal—you guys are the rare and beatified two tusker, composed of actual magic. Merry 2014, and may the cetaceans be with you. 

♏ Scorpio – Merry 2014! Your visionary environmentalist for the year is Ferdinand Cheval, a postman in 19^th century france, who was fascinated by stones and rocks that he would find on his route, and after finding one particularly engaging rock, he began to bring them home, and eventually built with his own hands, Le Palais idéal—which looks like no structure on earth—it’s Cheval’s version of the ideal palace. Yours may not be built of rock and stone, but keep your eyes to your environs this year, in order to make a perfect future for you and the ones you love. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palais_Idéal_du_Facteur_Cheval

♐ Sagittarius –There’s a center in your happy spot, deep down, all trance and cave like, where solutions to all things exist in a void of stillness and reccessitude from the waking fears of the ego and the foolish hopes of the id and ill begotten. Your hidden holiest of holies is deep in an underwater spelunker’s paradise. You won’t need to hold your breath, just calm yourself and inspire—a natural instinct for all Sag’s. Before you shoot, you aim—but aim with your heart, aim with your innermost. The eye can deceive. Intent, becomes desire, becomes action, becomes you. Proceed accordingly and happy 2014.

♑ Capricorn –Your power cephalopod of the year (happy 2014!) is the siphon using, jet propelled Pacific Flying Squid. Congratulations, I suppose. Yet fret nary, for using the power of this probably slimy ocean dweller will empower you with the ability to squirt your way across the ocean to safety and/or new hunting grounds, or more likely to local fish pubberies® and dive bars where drunken fish tales abound and delight all underwater denizens, and not merely the likes of the lipless and gillful. Your future is sub-marine and sub rosa. Your inner ichthyologist is calling. Squirt your way to freedom!

Aquarius ♒ -No one actually buys our sweet aloofness. It reeks too much of idle loneliness, occasional apathy, and a fervent and sublimated desire for exploration of new succulent vistas and unexpected and hopefully shocking delights. Most people sniff out the world, listen to it, or fall in love through the evolution of sight, while many trumble and brumble through with brute napoleonic force. We Aquarii, We think our way through it, at times too distrustfully and cloaked in scientific abstraction, replete with reasons for this and causes for that, while the true essence of deep shite loses meaning and takes a crap in the pantry. Feel first. Ask later.

♓ Pisces –Happy 2014! To start your year off in true Pisces fashion, I will predict nothing but iridescent bejeweled daggers of fun and rockin good times that last way past sunset and proceed into the sexy cool of late night / early morning lovemaking under stars and moon and probably itching sand out of your swim suit, but still--gosh your year is going to be splendid, and sans irony which I know you’ve been hoping for, so basically just keep being you. Any other advice would be relentlessly and pointlessly banal.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –I’m here to tell ya that you’ve had your cathexis and catharsis totally ass backwards and people are beginning to wonder. The relationship between the two can be complimentary, but the former hopefully follows the latter. A cathexis is the investment of mental or emotional energy—want, desire, id, etc, into a person, object or idea. And it can be constipated. Fixation…planted, feet to the goddam ground while the sky spins above us. And catharsis is freedom, from such things as, well…a cathexis. A wise man once said, follow your bliss—it’s the perfect season for release. Spread yourself sky-wise as the empathy would.

♉ Taurus - How beautiful is this shite, originated by the great and wise Clarke: “(1) When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. (2)The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible. (3)Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” Intelligence beatified. Imagination gently caressed by rivers of science. Your week will be replete with waters that are equal parts mystic and explicably mathematically kind.

♊ Gemini - Lately, have you felt that you’re Bruce Lee in that one movie where there was all those mirrors and a creepy old dude that seemed unkillable, and who had metal hands for some reason? Well, DON’T PANIC—I typed that in big bold letters so you’d know the deal. Check this: the mirrors are a weird metaphor for your soul, Bruce. You are blessed to know multiple realities, and you will stab the metal hands guy in the chest on of those mirrors with a freakin’ spear. Sweet-tastic action, amigo! You’re both Tango AND Cash. Big Trouble AND Little China. Ewoks AND Wookies, hombre. Bet big, go big, and then go home…and get some rest.

♋ Cancer - You’re smart, so check my posit: On a long timeline, the relationship between our understanding of self vs the ‘reality’ of self is probably a wave function that goes hither and yon in some kind of up and down cycle, with the x-y axis representing truth—whatever the frak that is. Fart, I say! Yet grok this: at times you should speak without forethought, perhaps with only the inkling of an idea about something and let your tongue ramble brainwise till it comes out; hopefully it’s genius rather than gibberish. I figure you got a 50/50 shot. Your future is neither luck nor odds. Rather flipside, your inner reptilian sensoid molecules have been evolving far longer than whatever mammal you think you are. Go big.

♌ Leo - This week you will span the gap and gamut between Godard and Goddard. The former a filmmaker who was quoted as saying, “All you need to make a movie is a gun and a girl”, and the latter, who said, “Every vision is a joke until the first man accomplishes it; once realized, it becomes commonplace.” Bear in mind the Goddard was a pioneer of rocket science and the Godard, a pioneer of movies about explosive situations and emotions using guns as a launching pad. The French guy’s a Sagittarius, and the rocketeer’s from Massachusetts. The parallel between these two geniuses is the beam you will travel. Do some research, walk the path, and we’ll discuss your findings at a café in Roswell where gravity bends to the weak nuclear force, and not the politically free for a select few.

♍ Virgo – HULK SMASH is your power phrase of the week. If you recall, the Hulk is a big green monster that smashes. Anything you throw at him makes him stronger. The angrier he gets, the stronger he gets, until he consumes the universe and crushes all physical reality into molecular crepes. HULK = SMASH. For now, you and HULK are one. Any hindrance, any unwanted habit, any obstacle that’s been taunting you with degrading expletives are now yours to HULK SMASH. MAKE YOUR ENVIRONMENT A PRODUCT OF A BETTER YOU.

♎ Libra - As our current universe expanded from a somehow measurable bang, as yet evolved energy cooled and coalesced into simple ideas like hydrogen and helium, then becoming nuclear fire and plasma and vortexes and multiverses, mirroring itself infinitely, creating new timespace in the blink of an eye. Matter evolves condensing out of furnaces of immense heat, taking billions of years to find ourselves in the now on a slowly cooling planet made from lightning hot star stuff. And from the perspective of the ‘creator’, billions of years are like a new york minute, a heartbeat, or as the Bhuddists say one inspirational breath of god. Cool your jets, jumpy jill. There is more than you’ve dreamt of, that waits for your eyes.

♏ Scorpio – Your center of chakra power this week comes from a quote, mistakenly attributed to George Washington: “Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action.” The point is not to stir your secret hillbilly feelings of mistrust, but rather as a double check on the reality you do take credence in. The Supreme Council has had concerns of late that your judgment has been compromised by an interior force that may seek to repress certain parts of ego and id concerning a heartful matter. I’m just saying---make sure you’re in control of the fire, lest it singe your pretty branches.

♐ Sagittarius –I rarely give this much free space to anyone, but it’s your birthday times still and yes, we’re all still partying, but listen—for this last days of solar Sag, it’s time to get it all out of your system. I grant you temporary powers of the Grandest of Pooh Bahs, for a time you are the pen that is mightier than the sword, you are feet to the fire and you are a candle in the wind. Don’t go ape shit, but the deep end is calling for a little exploration. Ditch your tighty whities and nut up, because the water is cold and revelatory. Dive, dive deep, and divine your environs.  

♑ Capricorn –The devil lies in the details. So, am then I to infer that there’s some sort of demonic prevarication going on at some microcosmic level, possibly even subatomic, level or strata of the street map of my mind’s philosophy? That whoever this devil is, he’s making shit up, like samsara, like a dream, like a blanket that never ends that covers all of timespace? A universal blanket—that’s wrought with devilish implications and potential misstep. These details get foggier the more you focus on them. Don’t try to believe in a higher truth, just allow one to exist.

Aquarius ♒ -Use the solstice to grok something you want, even if it’s as simple as some fresh baked cookies—which are nice! Stop pretending to not want and not need because logic dictates. You risk wasting and withering away whilst turning a blind eye to the reptilian demands of the id and the soul. It’s time to mount up, and ride…and claim what is yours.

♓ Pisces – You are ripe for a Kentucky Meat Shower any second now. Before the imagery in your head turns to something unintended, let me explain. For several minutes on March 3, 1876, large chunks of raw red meat fell from the skies near Olympia, KY. Several theories exist, including buzzard related reverse peristalsis, as well as cosmic space traveling ungulates that explode upon entering earth’s atmo. Your meat shower, however, is a metaphor. The incoming meat due to rain down on your currently meatless head will be a blessing and a boon, and excellent with bbq sauce and grilled asparagus marinated in white wine. Bathe deep the meat, and reap the sweet sweet meat parade headed for your face. It does a body super good.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –Your Gordian knot of the week may require an Alexandrian solution. The Dr. Pants senses your metaphorical bowels have been in a knot recently, and it’s the perfect time of year for unclenching. Alexander the Great’s solution to a frustrating knot was to cut the whole thing in half with a sword. However, if your knot is closer to a Kobayashi Maru situation, then pull a Kirk on it. Somehow, some way, sever the ties that bind, especially if they’re centuries old, irrelevant and require iron age weaponry. Maybe…. there… is… no… knot.

♉ Taurus –According to what may actually be a Cherokee proverb—what do I know, I found it on FB—‘There is a battle of two wolves inside us all. One is evil, anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, lies, inferiority and ego. The other is good, joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth. The wolf that wins---the one you feed”. Mmmmm, deep Cherokee shite. The origin is a bit dubious—sounds kinda Lucas-y, but I’m gonna go with some pithy truth here. Your good wolf is hungry. Get on that.

♊ Gemini –One of my favorite stories about the constellation Gemini is about the two brothers Castor and Pollux. One was immortal, the other not so much. When Castor died, probably in battle, and oops it’s my brother that’s immortal—Pollux went to his big money daddy Zeus to let him share his immortality with his brother so that they could always be together. The twins went on to have many adventures and ended up marrying sisters whose father was a horse. And now they are immortalized in the heavens forever—or at least until our Earth changes neighborhoods in like 100 million years. For now, enjoy being your brother’s keeper. Fraternal and forever heavenward. Spread the love--spread it like butter on the sky.

♋ Cancer -Cancers make terrible nihilists. You guys are also terrible at atheism. The idea that nothing exists must really boil your onions. And doesn't belief have to do with perspective? Like, there's no atheists in foxholes or lifeboats...but there are plenty in comparative study of religion classes and astrophysics lecture halls. But being a cancer is like faith...there is no proof, just a feeling, one that goes down to your bones and permeates your being. Nice work if you can get it. Share with us your empathy, and quiet knowledge---we are a weary world that awaits your gentle touch.

♌ Leo -According to Carl Sagan, there are more stars in the sky than there are grains of sand on all the beaches in all the whole world. Criminy, that’s a lot of stars. Lots of nuclear gas balls flying every which way, sometimes into each other and sometimes imploding in on themselves. We ourselves are made of material forged at the center of a star. We are made of star stuff---not this crude matter. We are hydrogen and helium and chemical magic. Stretch out with your feelings, Luke. You’re connected to everything in the most deliciously unexpected ways. Open your heart, not your mouth for once, jackass.

♍ Virgo –It’s a bad omen to spill salt, which is why my mother insisted that if you did spill salt, for good luck you throw some more over your shoulder. I hope it worked. It didn’t work so well for Judas--yeah, that Judas. In Da Vinci’s The Last Supper, Judas holds a bag presumably of silver in one hand and has knocked over the salt with his elbow. If just one of those sandal wearing peripatetics had seen that sign, maybe we’d be less inclined as a society to put down those who preach nothing but love. My point is, is don’t worry about the salt or any other useless garbage piled on from superstitions past, but rather spill the love---let it flow like endless grains of sand on infinite beaches.

♎ Libra –The difference between creepy behavior and awwww, isn’t that cute, is a fine line, that if walked, should be trod carefully, for either side can result in madness and social isolation, you may even find yourself craving cat food—the wet kind, with whatever beefy bits title catches your eye first. Personally, I like anything with entrée in the title. Makes me feel like an important cat sitting down to a meal replete with finery and pomp and probably dog servants whose bark is my command. Shite—see, I just walked into creepy all over your ‘scope. Uhhhmmm…point is, is this week—full moon in Gemini--wacky wacky. So, check yourself, lest thee wreck thyself in a creepy fashion.

♏ Scorpio – We’re near the solstice, and I suggest you strap in and hold tight. The Earth does this neat little move twice a year. For six months, we’ve been tilting ever southward, bringing the top half of the planet into darkness. And for a moment, on the solstice, at this one particular instant, the Earth stops tilting and changes direction and goes the whole other way. 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilograms of rock and magma and air and people just casually changing direction in space. No biggie. When the time comes—close your eyes, make a wish, and count to three.

♐ Sagittarius –Probably because it’s your birthday time, whilst your powers are at their strongest, you will be able to pull off a crazy feat that even the likes of Mary Toft couldn’t believe. Mary Toft, btw, convinced several doctors in England in 1726 that she had given birth to rabbits. It was not pretty, nor was it hygienic. Now hear this: I’m not advising you to stuff rabbits or any other rodent in any of your special places. However, there is no whim or fancy you shouldn’t indulge. Think outside the box, and then go nuts. It’s time for your own theater of the weird. Think big.

♑ Capricorn -When astrology attempts to predict, is the same moment when science reinforces its logical hold on, well...everything. However, astrology isn't for prediction---unless the 14th century king you're working for wants a son, or else he goes to war with the french...again. Astrology can used to describe the present, and so often we are in a process of self discovery that astrology can provide some light on an already repressed subject. Speaking of repression, your sign is due for some release valve action. Tune in, turn on, and don't drop out because all you need to know is right here, right now. It’s your tomorrow, today.

Aquarius ♒ -The Aquarius female is a study in both frustration and delight. The Doc Pants’ theory is that in a relationship, the Aquarius female is the alpha, or more dominant, or wears the pants---I’m not sure that she knows that consciously tho. I also posit that two Aqaurii together should make for a good show. Speaking heterosexually, the Aquarius male is generally passive, and as long as a healthy sexual appetite is engaged, pretty much happy in the back seat, fewer decisions, fewer multiple outcomes to consider. I also posit that no one can understand us, like us. For now, just figure out who you are and give that a shot. Love is in the air.

♓ Pisces -Keep your eyes and ears to the skies and the trees this week, because a flock of good omen has been asking for you and are seeking you out to bestow good fortune upon you the likes of which you can’t possibly imagine. The fowl in question are any number of bands of wild parakeets that roam the southland, set free over the 20th century from old theme parks and pet store fire calamities, there are thousands of parakeets that live amongst us. They bring you luck and contentment. This week, open your ears and eyes for the bounty that’s all around you. Look up.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries – In 1954 in Oak Grove, Al. a meteorite crashed through the roof of Ann Hodges’ house while she lay on the couch, and struck her in the hip. Sadly her only resulting super power was an artificial hip that squeaked when she rumbaed. And she’s not the only person to have been hit by a meteorite, in fact you’re more likely to be hit by a space rock than by lightning. And I’m not bringing this up to imply that you will be hit by falling space debris. However, that said---it wouldn’t hurt to keep an eye to the metaphorical sky for something unexpected. It’s that time of year for sudden change and whimsical outcroppings of good luck and good omens. Meteor season is here and you’re due for a wild ride.

♉ Taurus – Your pithy, annoying yet meaningless phrase for the week—which may provide some comfort or even insight to those less cynical among us, especially true for people who take stock in what allegedly contented people may post on social networks is: Most people think that when your life falls into place you will find peace...BUT really, it's when you find peace that your life will fall into place. As much as this and other schmaltzy sentiments makes the Dr. Pants’ pants itch with tripe and nonsense, imagine if it were true…peace comes first, then everything else follows. You might just be positive enough to grasp this silliness.

♊ Gemini –Your power quote of the week comes from the great and deceased Bill Hicks: “Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”--We miss you Bill. Use his words to find your way thru the holiday muck.

♋ Cancer –Your riddle of the week has two possible 19^th century answers, and whether you’re in the mood for puzzles is irrelevant because sometimes that’s what life gives ya. So, why is a raven like a writing desk? The first answer is that Poe, as in Edgar Allan, wrote on both. The other is that both have inky quills. Yes, yes…clever. But the riddle was coined by Lewis Carroll and intended to have no answer—just rot and nonsense. Perhaps you can think of a third. When life gives you riddles, make lemonade, or fake bullshit answers, or make up whatever you please—there are far more than two answers or two sides to every thing and non-thing—far more than might currently be dreamt of in your philosophy.

♌ Leo –There’s a reason that Aquarius and Leo are opposite and equals on the zodiacal wheel. So I won’t bore your pragmatic self with tales of horoscopes that promise future success, or spiritual insight, nor unexpected wads of cash that are surely headed to your face. The Lion is the king of the jungle for a reason—he’s conquered all other predators, as well as the predators of the mind that would seek to unseat him through twisted machinations of brain bending torture, that can be the undoing of even the most fiercely logical beasts. So, to sum up—nothing interesting is coming your way. Relax, have a smoke and a blintz, and a gander at your favorite porn site. Everything is coming up Lion—as usual. Double ROAR.

♍ Virgo – My favorite story behind the constellation Virgo has to do with Dikē, the goddess of the spirit of moral order and fair judgment based on immemorial custom, in the sense of socially enforced norms and conventional rules—according to Hesiod anyway. And she was sent by Zeus to earth to keep things fair amongst mankind. And for years, she did a swell job. Everyone lived in peace and agriculture and we were quite a glory, agrarian and respectful. Then we invented ships, and sailing and crossing seas and invading. Dikē was disgusted, so much so she left for Olympus to be away from the disappointment man was to become, competitive, warlike, and vile. Worst kids ever. Now she watches over us from the heavens. Wow, this is a lot of info. Draw your own conclusions. They should be of a profuse myriad of zillions upon zillions upon even more zillions and… Go now.

♎ Libra –I’m not advising you to take an axe to anything--just yet. However, your power activist of the week is Carrie Nation, who, if you’re unfamiliar, used to take an axe to local saloons to discourage alcoholism, and being 6ft tall and 175lbs was a force to be reckoned with, regardless of the efficacy of promoting temperance through property destruction. That said, however---a metaphorical axe might be needed soon, and considering your usually peaceful nature, might seem like a sacrilege—to axe something that part of you may hold dear. But nature destroys all the time to promote new growth. Look around your life. Anything need axing?

♏ Scorpio – My favorite story about the constellation Scorpio is that because of his excessive pride, Orion the Great Hunter had to be taken out by a giant scorpion, which impressed Zeus (speaking of pride…), who then put Orion forever in the sky, where he’s visible in the winter sky, but flees in the summer during scorpion season. But think not that this silly ‘scope is about your pride. From whence does pride emerge? Probably from power. Vanity and self love come after one realizes that he/she wields a mighty sword—be it one of metal, insight, intellect, passion, beauty or love. I’d never advise you to curb your enthusiasm because that’d be a waste of breath. So fell free to go big, scorpion season is months away.

Oh, and Dave—probably read Sag—I picked that one for you.

♐ Sagittarius –Your power Sagittarian for the week, from whom I hope you draw a parallel and kindred ambition, is comedian Bill Hicks—born Dec 16. In fact this quote should be all you need to bolster your possibly sagging economy of late: “We are not bodies--that we are pure, loving spirit created by god. That god is love and there is nothing but love, being all-encompassing, has no opposite. You are completely forgiven on all things, there’s nothing you’ve ever done that has ever swayed god’s pure and un-conditional love for you. And you realize that eternity and peace and heaven is our inheritance, all of us are going to make it there.”---- Happy Birthday, Sagittarius, and Cheers to the Beyond!

♑ Capricorn –My favorite story about the constellation Capricornus starts with the tasty bit that Chronos, god of all, used to eat all of his children until his consort Rhea hid one from him, giving him a rock wrapped up in diapers instead—which Zeus ate. Tasty, but a little heavy I’m guessing. Anyhowdy, this saved child, named Zeus, was cared for by a nymph named Amalthea and her pet goat. The goat’s skin would later serve as Zeus’ shield btw. Also btw, while playing with the goat, Zeus, then in early Clark Kent-like clumsiness, broke off one the goat’s horns—which became the Horn of Plenty, which I think is just supposed to dispense healthy fruit and grains—but your cornucopia…Yours puts out all kinds of crazy good for society type shite. Nice work if you can get it, right? Turn it to eleven.

Aquarius ♒ -Under current theories, our DNA contains 99.3% the same DNA as Neandertals, and whether we, or climate killed them off, or we just bred them out, I wonder what Homo Sapiens would have been like without them. Maybe we were the ones prone to violence. Maybe they were like hippies and were the true inventors of peace and love and harmonic vibration that can be felt throughout the ‘verse. And whilst we’re speculating, what if some small wild bands of pure Neandertals escaped our pillaging of the planet, possibly even surviving to this day in Yeti or Bigfoot form. Much to ponder here, fellow Aqua, but ponder this: what in your mind is a misunderstood scourge to be genetically eliminated—and what should you find peace with and make allies—possibly even lovers? Oh---and probably read Sag—it might make you feel something…

♓ Pisces –My favorite origin story about the constellation Pisces is that when Eros and Aphrodite were being chased by the monster Typhon, they jumped into the river, transformed into fish and so as not to lose each other, tied themselves together with a cord—hence the symbol of Pisces as two fish. Is Pisces the birth of codependency? Is codependency all that bad? Are we our brothers’ keepers? Can a human truly survive alone? I’m guessing that’s why Pisces and Virgos end up together so often—mutual need—two fish that want to explore, but don’t want to get lost. Find your favorite fish friend and kiss them hard on their weird fishy fish lips.