Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                               

♈ Aries –Under the current regime of invigorating Taurean sunshine, it’s best to visit some beliefs that have been swimming in our gene pool, much longer than atheism has existed. The Dr. Pants posits that it’s time to go for a widdershins nine times around your favorite golden calf, statue of Elvis, or if you feel really old fashioned, an actual church. A widdershins btw is movement in the opposite direction of the apparent path of the sun. Astrologically the earth is new right now. Find your favorite fairy mushroom ring and invoke some magic. Nine times. Appease the faerie queen, and she will loose your desires upon the world. Go anticlockwise.

♉ Taurus –In honor of nerds everywhere, and your birthday time, it’s time to pick your favorite super hero, and then literally become that super hero, and then defeat all the evils of this too oft mundane world. Personally the Dr. Pants favors the Hulk. At his core, he's a man divided, and on the surface he's indestructible. The angrier he gets, the stronger he becomes. He's literally unstoppable. And he doesn't bother anyone till someone bothers him. And he's green. And in far better shape than the actual Dr. Pants. There's a wide array of heroes these days. Take a hint from the WonderCon world and maybe even dress in your favorite spandex and show us what you got. Power way up and go green and—Happy Birthday, you rakish cad.

Gemini ♊-You are a twangy charmer, and the Dr. Pants believes that soon, your mouth and the mouth of your "true" soulmate will meet in a determined and advantageously sexual way that transmogrifies the two you into a blossoming flower, reminiscent of an age when plants ruled the earth—humanity’s true forbears, that evolved from one celled engines, just eating and moving, and after several billions of millennia of cooling starfire bang bang big bang style. Plant a kiss, and relish the gathering vine entwining bliss.

♋ Cancer - Btw, it's odd that reminiscent has the word scent in it. That said, it’s springtime under a loving, if tempestuous Taurean sun, and life is burgeoning across the northern hemisphere of this here floating mass of still cooling fire and star stuff, and here we are awitness and full frontally seated to the whole apple pie ala mode with a Percocet on top! That said, there’s lots of sweetly scented action en route to your face, as we aspire to solstice and your birthday and full on summer lovin’. The Dr. Pants is not endorsing coasting nor lollygagging—there’s much to be done, and many to be palavered. But for now, you are a dynamo, a juggernaut and gamma ray-riffic. 

♌ Leo –For the next week, the first week of a friendly Taurean sun, you, the royal YOU btw, have the power of Greyskull. You posses the strength of Lou Ferigno, and the eyes of Hawkman, I guess—or Eagle Eye, or John Malkovich in In The Line of Duty—solid thriller from a pre 9/11 time, when Eastwood was still shooting bad guys with big ass guns. My point is, is that lionesque Leo and charge charge Taurean bullishness is pro bono and no sorpresa, mucho en fuego and muy más macho. We’re all counting on you to light it up—it’s time, and you are the light switch.

♍ Virgo – Btw, it's odd that reminiscent has the word scent in it. That said, it’s springtime under a loving, if tempestuous Taurean sun, and life is burgeoning across the northern hemisphere of this here floating mass of still cooling fire and star stuff, covered ironically with an ocean full of salt—the old NACL to the hizz-ouse(sp?), and here WE are, THE ROYAL WE awitness and full frontally seated to the whole apple pie ala mode, avec le melted fromage, with a pretty little Percocet on top! The year seems young—inspire and breathe deep the gathering blessings of all favorable futures. Oh—and don’t forget, dream of large women. You have the power.

♎ Libra - Sleep is an evolutionary advantage that the Dr. Pants posits is a result of safety in numbers, a burgeoning intellect, and an expanding utilization and dominance of resources. Cooperation is indeed advantageous. As we level the odds of a stable future—fingers crossed anyway, since chaos and entropy have a nasty habit of ruining parties and picnics, The Dr. Pants further posits that we have somehow EARNED sleep, and that has allowed evolution and environment to get together, orgy shite up and create dreams, REM, and Chris Nolan. This week, take permission to nap and regenerate—the future is fraught with fascinating late night fun. Gear way up.

♏ Scorpio –Some people, and even places are energy monsters, not just in comic books, but many in literal mojo sucking form, and possibly because that's how they were taught to go thru this 'verse, and somehow how they’re diseased rather than culpable, but narytheless, the laying or plying of blame never gets anyone laid, am I right? Well, sort of...the human race is pretty diverse…my point is, is that it’s the time of the Taurean sun, your opposite yet equal, old and relatively new energy mirroring one another, a duo that rides from heaven to hell and probably back again as if it were mere a postal route. And furtherly consider that fire literally becomes earth, over time. To turn a phrase: Grok your opposite. What you glean will enlighten.

♐ Sagittarius –I hope you’ve been studying your lines because this week, you’re be starring in a long overdue remake of Smokey and the Bandit. You’ll be acting the role of Bo “Bandit” Darville, adventurer, bootlegger and driving enthusiast. Now, the Dr. Pants knows you need an oil change, but this week, forget your innards and keep focus on your outwards. Project thyself into the world, and resound with the power of knowledge plus action equaling freedom from litigious oppression and recently outlawed justice. Let your fire be a beacon, and enlighten the world. 

♑ Capricorn - The Dr Pants posits thusly: that we are only modulating the current state of the art, according to temporal customs and norms, and that the speed of the ship of state increases via Moore's Law—exponential to the hizzle, yo… as in the speed of tech, which doubles like every 18 months, but even that number probably increases over time, resulting in massive societal changes over shorter and shorter periods of time. Posit: perhaps the same way the Neanderthals went—up against a superior species, fueled by a massive tech increase, and quite possibly intentionally subsuming and intermarrying an entire species—apparently advantageously so. In re original posit: as is your modus operandi, keep making the world yours, under the care giving eyes of a Taurean sun, the first and foremost of earthly signs. Seek thou thy kin and extend and extemporize your sweet state of the art.

Aquarius ♒ -EasterPassover in LA seems like a shallow event compared to the midwestern America or the southern, or pretty much anywhere but the west coast—which is the coast with the mostest, fer sure, what with the immense diversity on avail, from all parts of the globe, including the native Los Angleans. Angelians. Angelenos. No, still sounds wrong. Anyhoo, regardless of origin, this time of year with multiple names and histories, is refulgent with energy. Take use of it, the earth is literally gaining speed, and atilt at a selfishly sunny disposition. Life is on sale and you have max credit. Spend lavishly on yourself, because why the frak not? Banks were designed and implied to be broken.

♓ Pisces –I hope you’ve been studying your lines because this week you will be starring in one of Hwood’s most overdue remakes, John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China. Possible retitle: BT in the LC. Yo. You’ll be playing the part of Jack Burton, adventurer, rig jockey and lover of women from Sex and The City. Lo Pan is on the loose, and something has really pissed in his bonnet, and it’s up to you to modernize and de-racify this movie and have sex with at least one Sex in the City actress, or actor, preferably in a graphic HBO style that implies intellect as well as engorged genitalia. Suit up, we ‘re all counting on you. This remake could remake everything…

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –We just saw stage one of a rad tetrad the other night, so the Dr. Pants will skip right to the chase: lunar eclipses happen twice a year, at least in this epoch with our swing dancing partner the moon, and this one is the first one of a series of four total lunar eclipses in a row—aka tetrad! The final full moon total lunar eclipse sashays along in Sept 2015. If doors are gonna open readily, merely by your potent mind bullets, from now till next Sept is a ripe time for new perspectives on old regimes of thought and behavior. As in: you, box, out of box, grok different, and elongate your providence, point of view and potential prospectus. Full on, Dude—Activate.

♉ Taurus –Did you feel the tetrad the other night? It was rad. A tetrad is a series of four total lunar eclipses occurring at full moons, and we just waltzed through the first one. From now till Sept of 2015 is potentially a time of great change, if one is inclined and adept at navigating the currents of our collective con- and uncon- sciousnesses. First basely, this first of four moons heralds a shift into Taurean based sunlight, so congrats and happy almost birthday. Secondish, you’re already thru the door, just ask the wish fairy for what you want. She’s in a granting mood starting…NOW.

♊ Gemini –So, what’s new? Did you happen to feel the tetrad the other night? A tetrad btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers, it’s pretty heady erotic stuff. We all recently went thru a doorway into another sequence of numbers. If there’s something or someone new in your life of late, it is potentially possible, after a Libra full moon eclipse and onset of tetrad, that it’s something or someone you should follow up on. It/They may be your companion thru this next series of entertaining geometric orbital patterns. Hold hands and dismiss all fears.

♋ Cancer –Crabs, tides, tidepools, primordial ooze, and let’s talk frankly about oblate spheroids and bulging, as in the equatorial kind. So, this rock we live on is spinning, right, and because of centrifugal force, the planet bulges in the middle. We’re not spheres! We’re oblate spheroids! The moon pulls on us too, adding to the junk in our equatorial trunk. The world is neither flat nor round. Mind: blown. Oblate spheroids, who knew? We recently strolled through a full moon, full lunar eclipse—one in a series of four btw, called a tetrad. Tetrad. Four. A tetrad of doorways, as well as dimensions. Bulging time lines and spaces. Keep swimming—your ocean is about to get warm, calm, effervescent and luminescent, with lucky omens of phosphorescent and luminous providence.

♌ Leo –On average lightning strikes the earth 100 times per second, over a billion times per year. Yeah—big rock we’re spinning on, eh? And in the distant more primordial past, that number was likely a thousand times bigger. Now, the Dr. Pants won’t try to bullshite a bullshiter like you, but we just began a tetrad of full moon total lunar eclipses the other night with a real whopper in Libra. A procession of equinoxii has begun, and the lightning is on an upswing. Get yourself a lightning rod and make shite happen. The winds are divinely inspired and the skies bursting with electric love juice.

♍ Virgo –Prophets of doom are always wrong. Okay, turns out there was a couple guys who did indeed predict the 2008 financial collapse, but who’s counting, besides white collar crooks who somehow get no jail time? My point is, is that the other night we had a crash course in orbital geometry with the first of a tetrad. A tetrad btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers and sequencing, it’s pretty heady erotic stuff. But back to the dooms -dayers and –darers: Ignore all of them. We’ll be done with these fancy numbers in Sept 2015. Between now and then, feel free to move about the cabin and help yourself to a cocktail, or three.

♎ Libra –The Dr. Pants hopes you guys enjoyed the full moon in Libra the other night, as well as the onset of the tetrad! It was not only a full moon, but a total lunar eclipse—the kind you can look at and not burn your retinas to dust. And this is the first of four in a row, aka the TETRAD! The series will conclude with the fourth eclipse in Sept 2015—with the sun in Libra and the full moon in your cosmic dance partner, Aries. Orbital geometry is pretty nifty and potentially foreboding—not of ill necessarily, but rather like we’re waltzing thru the multiverse on this rock here for the next few ticks, and meantime traveling thru doorways of change, in body, mind, spirit and intent. One door opened, three to go…

♏ Scorpio –Did you feel anything weird or funky this week? The Dr. Pants posits that Scorps would catch some weird vibes as we began the tetrad the other nite. A tetrad btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers and sequencing, this is pretty heady erotic stuff. We’ll finish out the series of this wacky four sequentially orbital geometries in Sept of 2015. Doors are opening. We’ll be waltzing through some kooky interdimensional times and spaces for the nigh horizon. Scorps—search your feelings, we’ll need you to steer the ship through the slippery, and at times, eel infested waters of inevitable soulful transmogrifications.

♐ Sagittarius –We recently went thru the first of four doors the other night with the onset of the tetrad, which btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers and sequencing, this is like a free trip to boner town. There’s usually two lunar eclipses a year, but not necessarily complete and total immersions of la luna into our collective shadow. And now we’re looking down the barrel of three more! The last one will go down in Sept of 2015. So, think about long term, between now and the later now, and what small changes might affect the whole farm. Time to sow.

♑ Capricorn –I totally felt the onset of the tetrad. How was it on your end? A tetrad btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers and sequencing, this is pretty heady erotic stuff. Anyhoo, there’s lots of facts and numbers I could throw at you, as well as potential astrological implications, but you’re Neo, and you don’t believe in any of that crap. The door in space that just opened doesn’t portend doom, gloom, prosperity, or enlightenment. It’s just a bunch of numbers that we want to find meaning in. Right? But nihilism is so—base, and bereft. Don’t worry about the vase, have a cookie, and you’ll feel right as rain.

Aquarius ♒ -We began the tetrad the other night. And it was rad. A tetrad btw is a series of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row. In the world of numbers and sequencing, this is pretty evocative stuff. Howsomeever, before you careen through implied meanings and omens and portents of doom, eternal life, or nihilism, we just met the first one of these moons, the fourth one happening in Sept of 2015. This is the time to think bigger, grander, more long term and big picture show, and how small actions and beliefs affect the grander illusion of our current samsara. Elevate above the collective con- and uncon- sciousnesses and see it all at once. Time is nothing.

♓ Pisces –Well, here we are, just the three of us. You, me and that weird full moon total lunar eclipse we had the other night. Wild and wooly with wanderlust, no? Btw, this particular orbital event was the first in a series of four full moon eclipses in a row, aka a tetrad. In the world of numbers, it’s heady evocative stuff. And four full eclipses in a row is a rare space bird indeed. The last one won’t happen till Sept 2015, so between now and the later now, your salty ocean abysses may shift and roil. But grok the Aquaman and tell the sea life to chillax, grab some krill and watch all the wonder women unfold, like a dancer dreaming of nothing but movement and bliss.

                              Special heads up from the Dr. Pants !

Tonight, at 1058pm PDT, there will be a three and a half hour total lunar eclipse, totally visible where all the cool people and all the Dr. Pants’s’ are at—California!

… provided you have clear enough skies to see it, as well as the will to stay awake and somewhat sober till Fallon.

Griffith Park Observcatory has telescopes out, as well as nerd types to explain what the hell you’re looking at, but unfortunately probably lots of crowds and walking up a really big hill, and why do my knees hurt so bad? Did anyone bring ibuprofen?

If where you’re at is clear skies, don’t miss it. And remember solar is the one that will burn your retinas out, while lunar eclipses are eyeball friendly!

And check this shite: This total lunar eclipse is also a full moon! In Libra! And the shite gets radder still! This is the first of four full moon total lunar eclipses in a row, aka a TETRAD. The last of the series will occur in Sept 2015!

In the world of math and numbers and sequencing, this is pretty heady erotic shite!  

So…tonight!

Enjoy the sky show, or go somewhere cool and catch an eyeful!

We are all made of star stuff.

Sincerely,

The Dr. Pants McTurd

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –It’s still your birthday time, so here’s a gift: get on the interwebs and google ‘kangaroos fighting’, and you will discover what your week is about to explode into. And yes there's science to it, but damn--it's hella entertaining. It's like no one gets hurt...just embarrassed. There might even be a future for you in kangaroo kickboxing. Tue is a full moon in your buddy Libra’s house of reflected light and this is your impending week: trying to box with really small arms, super strong legs, a lot of spit, and in the end probably a big fat draw. Use your tail for balance and spread tales of your multiple marsupial victories.

♉ Taurus –One more week of this Aries sun nonsense, and we will glide from fire into earth, into a Taurean sun, with the power of the bull to enforce stable loving energy on this chaotic evolution of crude matter. So just chillax, birthday time is on its way. Until then, Tue is a full moon and an eclipse, and it should be a doozy and a dilly of a pickle. The Dr. Pants advises all those with the blood of the bull to rest up, enjoy the light show, and prepare for a stellar time. The market is about to get quite bullish.

♊ Gemini –Just a heads up, Pluto, former planet and god of the underworld, is about to go retrograde. Just thought you’d like to be awared and thus prepared. Btw, planets or even their dwarven brethren, don’t actually move backward, at least not in this ‘verse. Their orbits are so long compared to ours that at certain times of year appear to be moving backwards. Point is, is that a minor planet, that wasn’t even discovered by humans until 1930, but yet named for the chthonic god of the underworld, is going to reverse course—kinda. Who knows what strange things might escape his afterlife and stop in for an earthly visit. Fear no thing, but keep eyes and ears peeled and pealed.

♋ Cancer –Astronomically speaking, we only see the past. Due to great distances red shifted light energy shows us what has already transpired, what has already happened millions upon millions of years ago. Posit: we study the skies, which show us the past, in the hopes of ascertaining the future? Wait, whaaa? Where the frak is Isaac Newton when you need him? Probably sleeping one off, am I right? The Dr. Pants’ point is, is that the future is only our best guess, and absolutes exist only in the minds of wishes, which if they were horses, then all beggars would ride. For now, make choices, regret nothing and breathe deep the gathering oceans of ether.

♌ Leo –This week, find a Libra, or rather they'll probably hunt your lionesque loins down. Be a nice kitty, and show deference. This atmospheric feline is as powerful as you, but in a different arena. She is a tiger of the air and she can, if she so desires, fuel your fire in a most profound way, a ferocious fount of shite you didn't previously think possible--a force greater than even you. The approaching Libra full moon on Tuesday will be a double doozie, a loony lulu, and possibly like a bat shit crazy antelope hopped up on the drugs. This week, stay wary, maybe grab a metaphorical cudgel, and walk softly like an angel. Let Libra the Lion lead the way.

♍ Virgo –Soon you will achieve the level of gravedigger, and be able to bask in the riches of a well deserved—wait a tick, grave robber, yes yes, I meant grave robber. You will soon be a professional grade grave robber, steal lots of treasure and retire to the good life in either Boca, or Santa Fe. Odd that spellcheck doesn’t correct gravedigger, but separates grave robber… Anywho, my point is, is that you are about to become infamous. Wield this power creatively, and for a worthy end to justify the potentially tawdry, bawdy and sultry means.

♎ Libra –This whole week is all about you, you sexy freak with perfect hair, and a strut that says, back off, hipster douche, and take your 70’s themed thrift store purchases with you. Tuesday is a full moon and eclipse—in Libra. A sun draped in Aries fire lights up our side of the moon that will then beam reflected Libran light all over the galaxy, drenching earth with knowledge you’ve been selfishly obsessing over until you’re sure it’s perfect. This week, drop the perfectionism, take ‘em out, dust ‘em off, and let’s ride.  

♏ Scorpio –Your Scorp ‘scope for this week has to do with full moons and eclipses and tectonic cooling. We’re under an Aries sun, a sign of fire that usually works well with Scorps, maybe because both signs use their astrological powers to transform themselves and surrounding energy fields into whatever your wackadoo brains are cogitating over and whatever your huge hearts are feeling. The earth began as fire, and is still cooling under continents of rock and oceans of immense weight and pressure. Tuesdays’ full moon and eclipse might use their gravity to bring fire to the surface. Presto and/or change-o.

♐ Sagittarius –The Dr. Pants has tracked multiple accounts of Sag’s walking into doors, usually of glass, shattering their egos ever so slightly and bruising a few noses. Posit: Sag is like future fire. You’re full of shite that hasn't even been imagined yet, but that probably will happen, cause fire is a creator. The Big Bang--as we call it now, is fire from nothing. And further, you are the eldest of fire signs, the most (cough) mature. Everything begins with fire. You are akin to the "original" energy that "began" our existence, our Prometheus, if you will. Steal the fire of a fresh Aries sun. Now is the time of Kush, from the Hindu region of space. Blaze, embolden and embiggen.

♑ Capricorn - We evolve at a speed in direct proportion to the speed at which our environment changes. There, I said it. Posit: since the speed of technology increases exponentially, are we not due for some massive leap in deoxyribonucleic acid technology, making us telepathic, or telekinetic, or maybe just mutants who can teleport? The Dr. Pants is super ready for that shite. The Dr. Pants also believes you’re due for a free upgrade to a higher level of tech savvy. And if you respond in the next ten minutes, you’ll also receive the superpower of your choice. Think big and dream ever epically.

Aquarius ♒ -Apologies—the Dr. Pants has been waylaid with such frivolities like stupid equinoxii, and wack alchemical changes from water into fire, and I know we’ve sorely needed the Dr. Pants’ Pep Squad to arrive with positive spring news, so let’s get some real shite brewing here, eh? First basely, WE are the DREAMERS and WE are the DREAMERS OF DREAMS. Secondish, WE are AQUARII—the likes of Darwin, Mozart, Galilee, and Dick Cheney (every basket has some bad eggs)…My point is, is that it’s time to unleash—your inner WHOOPEE MACHINE, and lay waste all ignorance to the roadside ditch, like a bag full of rotten lemons. Your instincts are pure and golden and should be employed. Fear nothing, take no prisoners, nor take no shite! Full moon with eclipse on Tuesday, and Pluto, former planet goes retrograde on Monday. It’s time for us to invent a new science.

♓ Pisces - Ok, Pisces, you fish—prepare for a rocking of your proverbial boat: the upcoming full moon on Tue is potent like a nasty case of the down and dirty. It's the first full lunation of the season, and your pants are about to be bowled over and blown off. And here's the kinky truth: you will find yourself passionate about something that might seem insane on the outside. However—it is spring and all things new and inventive are currently trendy, hip and unavoidable. You have no idea what's coming. It's wackadoo, probably bawdy and mos def sticky sweet.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

pantsmcturd.blogspot.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries – Happy continued birthday, chum…p! The Aries ‘scope the week is replete and inundated and ubiquitous with—Bill Shatner!...Born on the more or less first day of Aries, right at the quincunx of water becoming fire, rebirth and s-explosions of never say die Lionel Ritchie’s All Night Long! Approve of the Shatner or not, one cannot deny the sheer exuberance of his career. He’s eighty something and still going. Bill’s lived ten lives and it's only your envy that has kept you from even the middlest of Shatnerian dreams. I dare you, to be as Aries as this macho stud guy... BILL freaking SHATNER! Happy birthday, and be you Spock (also an Aries!), or be you Kirk—just be.

♉ Taurus - There's a product out there called Dump and Bake. Yeah, that's the best they could come up with. Dump and Bake. Posits: 1: Operation Dump and Bake—the Movie! 2: Poop and Prepare-an odyssey, of sorts. 3: Really? You could afford to produce an infomercial, but not common sense? This week, consider other potential branes of reality, where the what and why of how you believe, may have better, more advantageous options. Choose wisdom and elect to grow stronger. We are approaching HULK SMASH !

♊ Gemini –Now that we’re under an Aries sun and riding a Chinese Horse across these here plains of samsarian existence, and from now, up and through your upcoming birthday time, Geminis will find themselves time travelling, back to Pre-Code Hollywood, where there were no rules, no limits on what or how you could create and invent. These are golden days for you, so take specific advantage of the intellectual and passionate embrace of lawlessness and responsible, yet re– and e- ffulgent self governance. Find and read an english translation of La Bamba. No soy marinero, soy capitán.

♋ Cancer - It's a Bikini World. Not literally, but rather the 1967 beach party flick about love, sand and farcical mayhem, the only one of its genre to be directed by a woman btw. A beach oriented lothario finally meets a woman who says no to him, so he disguises himself as his non-existent nerdy twin brother, to win her heart, and hopefully her top and bottom. That said, the Dr. Pants is not suggesting you attempt such tomfoolerous behavior to get what you want—the Dr. Pants is telling you pretend to be someone else to get what you want—in a safe, preferably seaside way. Fake it till you make it. Find another way to act, and see yourself through different eyes.

♌ Leo –It’s possible that if you catch a PBS doc called My Life As A Turkey, starring Joe Hutto, it may blow your freaking mind, end your meat eating ways, and possibly recover some of your large intestine’s former glory. I won’t bore you with how literal it is that we are what we eat—you’ve studied. Full disclosure, the Dr. Pants is a carnivore currently—but mostly fish and chicken—so this may sound dickishly hypocritical, but right now is a great time for the king of the jungle, THE Carnivorasaurus—LEO the Lion, A perfect time, for you to go veggie—not vegan, let’s be reasonable, and maybe slightly pescatarian, you—LEO, need to go veggie, go veggie, go veggie, for at least one week. It will cleanse your bowels, teeth, and mind. Go VEGGIE!

♍ Virgo –Note: while reading this ‘scope, the Dr. Pants suggests using your best British accent: Can I get a quantum of solace? No, that’s a bucket, I want a quantum of solace. No, that’s a thimble, a quantum is much smaller. No now, that’s a rubbish truck, I said much smaller, perhaps infinitely so. And that is a pram of solace. Easey peasey, bob’s your uncle and bingo bango bongo—quantum of solace! You’re giving me a hurricane off the coast of Asia, and all I want is a single bleeding quantum of solace! (Ok you can drop the accent—surprisingly good job btw) The Dr. Pants’s point is, let’s be reasonable: solace is over rated. Go out and find yourself, and ne what you’re like. Soak up the flavor country and think bigger than previously thunk.

♎ Libra - The Dr Pants is not here to tell you that you're a Jedi. You're not. However, during a blazing fusional Aries sun, the closest you will come to Jedi status is the incandescent and eternal NOW, not unironically, now—like NOW, which = the actual now of this moment. Air signs can breathe fire. You are a dragon in the first peak of your spring season. Six months from now—a new NOW btw, will be a Libran sun and you will shine on your Aries brethren a prism’d Libran light, balanced and equine and fleet of foot. Put on your favorite pants and grab your light saber, for it’s time to ride, NOW.

♏ Scorpio –It’s the year of the horse, which means it’s time to ride. Right now, we’re under an Aries sun that in a few weeks will transmogrify us into a Taurean ball of fire, morphing our steed into one that breathes fire for breakfast and is capable of carrying us safely through the Taurean underworld—your favorite devil’s playground, your equal and opposite sign. For now, soak up the rays of renewal and spring before we delve into other more unearthly realms. Enjoy this samsara of the waking world. Soon our journey will be weird, wild and wooly. But for now, your immediate ‘scope is all light and all right. You can cross the river later, downstream.

♐ Sagittarius –The Dr. Pants is guessing that right about now, you’re knee deep in some fiery situations both at home and abroad. Spring has sprung under an Aries sun, your fellow friendly fire sign, and if you like your astro news with an Asian flavor, it’s also the year of the horse. This whole year is bound to be huge for Sag. So if you’re feeling knee deep, embroiling and skewered, get on your high horse and get your ass out of the morass. The weather is perfect to explore new vistas under your self impelling horse power. It’s a divine and equine time to ride.

♑ Capricorn -At first glance, Capricorn and Pisces seem to be an odd mix... neither have self control over the exuberant exaltations of their existences, sloppy feely feelings all over the place, emotions all hither, thither and yon... and yet both maintain a kind of control over their intellectual collective selves, like they know what's up, that this is all samsara, and it’s about what you do—the actions you take, and the philosophies you both espouse and hope to engender. Weird, but copasetic elemental mish mash—water and earth. Find a Pisces and kiss them on the mouth like you mean it.

Aquarius ♒ -The following phrase is suspect of the trickery of multiple definitions and uses—and by that, the Dr. Pants is more than implying that this phrase is a paragon of virtuous multiversal symmetry, especially ‘mongst the Unified Fielders®, so, consider this and posit thus: The devil lies in the details. Firstly, if you’ve never heard this phrase, grow up and find Google. Secondish, despite the likes of one Gustav Flaubert and his mot juste-ing all over the place, does an ever expanding understanding of the multiversal consciousness mean that obsessing over detail is probably infinitely impossible? And third-basely—or does the devil lie, prevaricate, and make shite up as a means to an end…in an endless multiverse? Ponder, and make plans for mobilization and manipulation of forces previously considered uncontrollable. Like springtime, the game is afoot and aflame!

♓ Pisces - At first glance, Pisces and Capricorn seem to be a weird mix... neither have self control over the exuberant exaltations of their existences, sloppy feely feelings all over the place, emotions all hither, thither and yon... and yet both maintain a kind of control over their intellectual collective selves, like they know what's up, that this is all samsara, and it’s about what you do—the actions you take, and the philosophies you both espouse and hope to engender. Weird, but copasetic elemental mish mash. Find a Cap and kiss them on the mouth like you mean it.