Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True
Horror-scopes
disclaimer: Satire should be seen and heard and in your face and beer flavored.
this week: Whatever you're expecting, that's not it. This is also not it.
Aries- Intuit this in your cap and smoke it: IN-Tu-IT, as in you are 'In-To-It'. Allow your mind to wrap the celestial enigma in neurons and intellect and grok the crap out of it, poop it out through a fertile spiral arm, and flush it toward some irreversible end-- the black hole, the portal at our galaxy's center, your spirit evolving towards its true angelic nature. You are 'In To It', space cowboy. Maurice, my friend you are knowledge from within. You are the pompitus of love. Buy yourself some super yogurt, digest that bacteria and create your own galaxy full of unicorns and never ending waffle service.
Taurus- As we perceive it, the nature of time seems irrefutable, irreversible, and irascible. We are subject to ripples, eddies, cosmic tides, string waves® and brane collisions that we currently lack the power to predict. The 'verse seems a maelstrom with occasional bouts of peace and seemingly interminable struggle and strife. That said, it's almost fudge season and the time of year when all of us northern hemisphereans can unite in the spirit of eating and wearing warm clothes. The next galactic collision is still four billion years away, so have some fudge and enjoy the eye of the cosmic storm.
Gemini- Sports are the last acceptable refuge for our gladiator blood sport thrill seeking ids that got us through the last ice age when there was real struggle for survival. Our ancestors fought wooly mammoths with spears for crap's sake. Spears. And I suppose, intellect and collectivism, early socialists perhaps? The survival of the group and the individual depends on not stomping on anyone's head, but rather sharing and expanding upon the conscientious brain farts that squeeze out of each one of us. Shelve your need for in-your-face revenge orgies. The mammoths of the future will need slaying. Hugs not 'roids.
Cancer- The following is a true account of two brothers and a broken toilet seat from the future. Jokingly, one brother tells the other that his toilet seat is broken. No reason not to believe him, the other brother buys a new seat, comes home, wtf?, it's not broken. Meanwhile, the first brother breaks his own toilet seat, probably because he always sits his big ass down like a ton of bricks. Luckily the first brother just bought a new toilet seat-- how fortuitously coincidental. Or not coincidental? Is that the only kind of dental there is? Do we make the future happen with our mind powers, wtf? These are big questions, take your time, and sit carefully when using the throne.
Leo- The American Kennel Club is the only organization which is legally allowed to pursue eugenics. There are more breeds of dog than any other earthly animal. We make all kinds of fucked up dogs. It's creepy. Probably a good thing we draw the genetic enhancement line at canines. Our "natural" evolution is working out pretty good. We have a proportionate number of jocks, nerds, sociopaths, empaths, psychopaths, organizers, isolationists, do-nothings, poets, politicians, ditherers, warriors, lolly-gaggers, diplomats and lovers (and haters) of 16th century Italian art. Donatello, a polymath my ass!-- the guy coasted on his looks and his money. Be who you are, be what you're like. Your phenotype knows what it's doing.
Virgo- The U.S. has been supplying the world with weapons for a long time, at a tidy profit. Desperate for a silver lining, I suppose it's our attempt at unilateralism. But we've been missing a niche market-- endangered species, especially the primates with their opposable digits and problem solving abilities. Maybe fighting for their own existences with the aid of some semi automatic rifles and anti tank grenades would keep away the poachers and purveyors of bush meat, and teach those monkeys a lesson in survival. Of course to absolve ourselves of the blame for escalating the Ape vs Human WWIII of 2035, we should probably just finish chopping down the rainforests, and all the apes can come live in the mega-cities of the future, side by side with humans. Peace in our time. Arm the apes!
Libra- The word apology has ancient roots. In ancient Greece, it was a form of rhetoric, in which a believer in a certain ideology, usually religious in nature, would defend their position using logic. A vindication; I'm right and here's why. Over time, as the past became the now, apologetics evolved into admission of sin, culpability, guilt, perhaps the very creation of the superego taking its cyclical turn at bat influencing our collective unconscious. Reason to cool our raging motions, our carnal stings, and our unbitted lusts. Compassion, empathy, widespread pandemic shit giving, alms for the poor, and a cure for all ills and pain. A true panacea. A world without sin. Fuckin-A.
Scorpio- Pluribus hubris cunnilingus is not someone who's into having oral sex on a bed of hundred dollar bills. It is, however, a cautionary tale. Money is freedom. One could argue that we're slaves, the free market system a sham, forced down our throats as the only viable means of survival. However, money gives our upward societal mobility better traction. Education is evolution. In most of human history, only the wealthy could afford to be educated. Knowledge is power. Money is freedom. Time is money. The business of America is business. You can't make a frog wear striped pajamas after Labor Day. Money is an arbitrary sword, and it's under your influence; wield it as you would your private parts at the opposing armies of darkness.
Sagittarius- The reverse evolution of 'Check yourself before you wreck yourself' is 'Shake it, but don't break it'. I verified that in an independent study when I watched Silver Streak on tv the other day for the umpteenth time. The previous incarnation of this sage advice was in the 1930's with the saying, 'Mmmyeah, see...', which in the late 1800's translated to something like, "Get out of my knickers, you bum-goggler!'. I posit that everything has happened before; the 'verse is that old and that big. Meanwhile, in your current incarnation, your next evolution is imminent. May I suggest something along the lines of, 'Snap the crack, you defunct haberdasher'. Inspire the future, and don't forget to pass along what you have learned.
Capricorn- For about 8 months in 1974, Herb Albert was the only thing that made sense in a world gone mad. Buh-buh-buh-buh-baa-baa-baa-ba, and repeat until you finish that third martini. It was also the last time anything coming out of Tijuana didn't attempt to turn your alimentary canal inside out. I surmise that it's the power of the trumpet-- a noun and a verb btw (neat!). I propose that trumpets are harbingers of peace, clarity and prodigal returns to wombish™ safety. It's a fallacy that angels use them to call souls to the final battle-- total tripe. This 'verse ain't got no final anything. An angel's trumpet is the all clear signal. Olly Olly Oxen Free. It's safe, come home. Dinner's ready, and there's beer and whiskey.
Aquarius- The intersection of water, air and earth, casually known in some circles as the "beach" is my favorite nexus and doorway to something that is much larger than myself. I can run no further once I reach the coast. Acceptance is so difficult inland, where there is no respite from matters familial, financial, or fraternal. But the beach... is to contemplate the farther world, one where our intellect is not the center, but rather a salty drop in a cosmic ocean. The world is a grand firmament and our view is divine. Ocean plus sand plus air equals a confluence of atoms and energy and thence glorious multi form matter in infinite variety. Run your ass to the beach, stop trying to fix, and observe.
Pisces- My newly invented Dread Removal Device® has been approved by all government regulatory agencies and is available for widespread use. Also, despite current projections of over population, dwindling resources and lack of oxygen, ozone, and it turns out helium (who knew...?), keep in mind that life is long and life is good. Dread is not a way of life, it's a hairstyle. Put down your boulder for five seconds, you look ridiculous carrying a big stupid rock. And if you order your DRD® online, you get a free trident. Drop your dread and you will once more rule the seas with your trident of awesomeness.
a weekly Horrorscope, appearing every Thursday...
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True Horror-scopes
disclaimer: If satire were gravy and donuts, I would be happy and obese.
this week: Hey, you-- Turkey-Lurkey over there, you're looking juicy... Prepare thyself, for the Gravy Hour draws nigh.
Aries- The intersection of First and F Streets in Washington D.C., is designated Capitalsaurus Court. Good god, why, why such piffle? Nerds found some dinosaur bones there and yes, they coined it a Capitalsaurus. How disinventively™ apropos. And there's this: the local legislature actually made it the official dinosaur of the District of Columbia. If that big dead animal were alive today, I'm sure he would be grateful to the muddy swamp that caused his demise. How else could he have earned such a creative moniker? Unlike the big dumb lizards, you are not stuck. Use your legs, run away.
Taurus- This one time I totally ran at this windmill, just gonna tear it a new one, right, and just as I'm about to pounce on my most mortal of enemies, just as I'm about to taste sweet sweet windmill blood, I see a little tear in the windmill's eye. Completely took the mizzen out of my moody sails. My angry mood at Tewkesbury all over again. How shallow, how trivial and shortsighted my vengeful needs. Put down your lance and give Sancho the day off, he has a wife and a family back in the village, you know. Besides, windmills are our friends and deserving of grace and compassion as are all your so called enemies.
Gemini- I swear the following is true bullshit: The state beverage of 20 different U.S. states is milk. My intellectual takeaway from this information is twofold: 1) we have official state beverages and no one told me, wtf?!, and 2) milk, really? Nebraska couldn't decide, so made a split decision, milk and Kool-Aid. Indiana though, went way forward. Their state beverage is water. Water. Granted, the giver and sustainer of life, the universal solvent even, but really, water? Hoosier water. Maird. That's why California is the greatest state-- we chose wine. In legislatus veritas, no? Call your congressperson and thank them.
Cancer- Æthelred the Unready was the king of England in the year 1000. Contrary to his moniker, he was not a dingus. He was unready because he became king at age 10. His sons, Erik One Nut and Edward the Incontinent never made it to the throne, for what should be obvious reasons. It was the third son, Johnny the Back Stabber, who did eventually usher in a brief era of total peace for a period of 3 weeks in late in 1043, until ironically he was stabbed at a Raider game in Oakland. Your 3 weeks are almost here. Prepare your kingly nickname and ready yourself for total peace. Three weeks of it anyway.
Leo- Recently I was caught inside a vortex of an old He-Man cartoon from 1984. There was the disembodied floating guy with no face, Battle Cat, pseudo-erotic sorcery, the power of Grayskull, and lots of boobs and cleavage in Viking outfits parading around until one of them inevitably gets into trouble and He-Man has to whip out his 'sword' and get more 'roided up than he already is-- wearing simple peasant outfits-- c'mon fer reals, dude you're not fooling anyone. We get it, your sword is metaphor for your schlong-- real subtle. Beware the vortex of the insanely inane and indolently idolatrous. If you mean schlong, just say so. Be direct. It's the fastest way to Grayskull.
Virgo- Words of wisdom are spoken by children as often as by scientists or other smarty-pants book huggers. Case in point: a googol is a 1 followed by 100 zeroes, or 10 to the power of 100. It's not named after a mathematician or some obtuse greek derivation that means stupid big number; the name googol was invented by a child, and not some freaky savant kid either, just your average kid who likes ice cream and making forts out of pillows. The universe appears complex, but imagination is our greatest asset in trying to quantify it. Your imagination is wider than a googol. Go forth and multiply exponentially.
Libra- I am immune to your scorpionic sting. Yeah, yeah I know, but in ancient Greece, the Libran scales were actually the claws of the Scorpion. You have the Romans to thank for pulling you two asunder. Not that Greek society wasn't a complex one, but as time moves forward, I wonder if as societies become larger, more codified, and therefore more complex, that humans' distinct personality types become more varied. That is to say, the modern Libra's roots evolved their way out of the psyche of the Scorpion, perhaps through sheer intellectual will. Air from water. Intellect from passion. Pleasure from poison. Ponder that shit.
Scorpio- Of all the signs, I can picture you most readily as the head of a secret society, not because of your obsessive taciturnocity™, but rather due to all the freaky shit I know you're into and how it may not be appropriate for the public at large. Take for example The Most Ancient and Most Puissant Order of the Beggar's Benison and Merryland, Anstruther. Seriously, take it, hasn't been used since the club disbanded in 1836. Btw, Merryland is an old school wink and a nudge for the female body, so you can probably guess what the club did on Saturday nights. Whatever club you start this week, keep the by-laws inclusive. I will be first in line for membership applications and friendly hazing, which I assume due to your proclivities will involve spankings and orgiastic contrition.
Sagittarius- The official state beverage of Maine is a soft drink called Moxie. It was one the first mass produced sodas in the U.S.; and there's an old timey looking guy on the can, known as the Moxie Man, and he's pointing at you, not so subtly intimating that you need some Moxie because you look pale and weak, hence the original name for the drink, Moxie Nerve Food. To me, you are a can of Moxie that's been shaken in one of those paint mixing machines at the hardware store, ready to spew a whole lotta Moxie on an unsuspecting thirsty imbiber. Your explosive spray is invigorating and tasty. Bring it.
Capricorn- There are 6 states that have official state dinosaurs, and several more states that have official state fossils. New Jersey's is the hadrosaurus. So at some point there was enough people in local legislature who agreed that we definitely need a state dinosaur, or how will we compete with the likes of New Jersey? The District of Columbia's answer to the Jersey Shore Hadrosaur® was of of course, the Capitalsaurus. The senate is where shit gets done. Declare recess in the parliament of your mind and leave such frivolity to the judiciary clade of the Holocene Era.
Aquarius- Tweak one little thing in the genetic development of the human brain, and the cornucopia of wacky that ensues can induce tripping balls. Case in point: there's this autistic guy, who from age 2 is a master pianist. In his brain, he can hear more than one melody at one time. And get this, if you ask him to play a Beethoven piece, for example, in the style of Mozart, he can do it instantly and without forethought. The Aquarian brain is an equally wacky place. We truly are the music makers and the dreamers of dreams. All ideas, thoughts and delusions in and out side the underlying cosmic ubiquity (curse you, Shiva) can be enough to drive one to madness. Which is exactly why you need to know when to give it a rest and have some tacos listen to the ocean breathing.
Pisces- We are the music makers / and we are the dreamers of dreams / wandering by lone sea breakers / and sitting by desolate streams / world losers and world forsakers / on whom the pale moon gleams / yet we are the movers and shakers / of the world for ever, it seems. Yes, Willy Wonka, but penned by Arthur O'Shaughnessy, who at 17 became the transcriber for the Library of the British Museum, and oddly later at 19, a herpetologist. Only a Pisces can make an Aquarius jealous, and possibly a bit obsessed. No wonder you hide away from world. You are intellect and emotion wrapped up in a most delicious rainbow rolls. You are perfection for my tongue and ears. Your will is always aligned with that of the 'verses'. And lizards apparently.
disclaimer: If satire were gravy and donuts, I would be happy and obese.
this week: Hey, you-- Turkey-Lurkey over there, you're looking juicy... Prepare thyself, for the Gravy Hour draws nigh.
Aries- The intersection of First and F Streets in Washington D.C., is designated Capitalsaurus Court. Good god, why, why such piffle? Nerds found some dinosaur bones there and yes, they coined it a Capitalsaurus. How disinventively™ apropos. And there's this: the local legislature actually made it the official dinosaur of the District of Columbia. If that big dead animal were alive today, I'm sure he would be grateful to the muddy swamp that caused his demise. How else could he have earned such a creative moniker? Unlike the big dumb lizards, you are not stuck. Use your legs, run away.
Taurus- This one time I totally ran at this windmill, just gonna tear it a new one, right, and just as I'm about to pounce on my most mortal of enemies, just as I'm about to taste sweet sweet windmill blood, I see a little tear in the windmill's eye. Completely took the mizzen out of my moody sails. My angry mood at Tewkesbury all over again. How shallow, how trivial and shortsighted my vengeful needs. Put down your lance and give Sancho the day off, he has a wife and a family back in the village, you know. Besides, windmills are our friends and deserving of grace and compassion as are all your so called enemies.
Gemini- I swear the following is true bullshit: The state beverage of 20 different U.S. states is milk. My intellectual takeaway from this information is twofold: 1) we have official state beverages and no one told me, wtf?!, and 2) milk, really? Nebraska couldn't decide, so made a split decision, milk and Kool-Aid. Indiana though, went way forward. Their state beverage is water. Water. Granted, the giver and sustainer of life, the universal solvent even, but really, water? Hoosier water. Maird. That's why California is the greatest state-- we chose wine. In legislatus veritas, no? Call your congressperson and thank them.
Cancer- Æthelred the Unready was the king of England in the year 1000. Contrary to his moniker, he was not a dingus. He was unready because he became king at age 10. His sons, Erik One Nut and Edward the Incontinent never made it to the throne, for what should be obvious reasons. It was the third son, Johnny the Back Stabber, who did eventually usher in a brief era of total peace for a period of 3 weeks in late in 1043, until ironically he was stabbed at a Raider game in Oakland. Your 3 weeks are almost here. Prepare your kingly nickname and ready yourself for total peace. Three weeks of it anyway.
Leo- Recently I was caught inside a vortex of an old He-Man cartoon from 1984. There was the disembodied floating guy with no face, Battle Cat, pseudo-erotic sorcery, the power of Grayskull, and lots of boobs and cleavage in Viking outfits parading around until one of them inevitably gets into trouble and He-Man has to whip out his 'sword' and get more 'roided up than he already is-- wearing simple peasant outfits-- c'mon fer reals, dude you're not fooling anyone. We get it, your sword is metaphor for your schlong-- real subtle. Beware the vortex of the insanely inane and indolently idolatrous. If you mean schlong, just say so. Be direct. It's the fastest way to Grayskull.
Virgo- Words of wisdom are spoken by children as often as by scientists or other smarty-pants book huggers. Case in point: a googol is a 1 followed by 100 zeroes, or 10 to the power of 100. It's not named after a mathematician or some obtuse greek derivation that means stupid big number; the name googol was invented by a child, and not some freaky savant kid either, just your average kid who likes ice cream and making forts out of pillows. The universe appears complex, but imagination is our greatest asset in trying to quantify it. Your imagination is wider than a googol. Go forth and multiply exponentially.
Libra- I am immune to your scorpionic sting. Yeah, yeah I know, but in ancient Greece, the Libran scales were actually the claws of the Scorpion. You have the Romans to thank for pulling you two asunder. Not that Greek society wasn't a complex one, but as time moves forward, I wonder if as societies become larger, more codified, and therefore more complex, that humans' distinct personality types become more varied. That is to say, the modern Libra's roots evolved their way out of the psyche of the Scorpion, perhaps through sheer intellectual will. Air from water. Intellect from passion. Pleasure from poison. Ponder that shit.
Scorpio- Of all the signs, I can picture you most readily as the head of a secret society, not because of your obsessive taciturnocity™, but rather due to all the freaky shit I know you're into and how it may not be appropriate for the public at large. Take for example The Most Ancient and Most Puissant Order of the Beggar's Benison and Merryland, Anstruther. Seriously, take it, hasn't been used since the club disbanded in 1836. Btw, Merryland is an old school wink and a nudge for the female body, so you can probably guess what the club did on Saturday nights. Whatever club you start this week, keep the by-laws inclusive. I will be first in line for membership applications and friendly hazing, which I assume due to your proclivities will involve spankings and orgiastic contrition.
Sagittarius- The official state beverage of Maine is a soft drink called Moxie. It was one the first mass produced sodas in the U.S.; and there's an old timey looking guy on the can, known as the Moxie Man, and he's pointing at you, not so subtly intimating that you need some Moxie because you look pale and weak, hence the original name for the drink, Moxie Nerve Food. To me, you are a can of Moxie that's been shaken in one of those paint mixing machines at the hardware store, ready to spew a whole lotta Moxie on an unsuspecting thirsty imbiber. Your explosive spray is invigorating and tasty. Bring it.
Capricorn- There are 6 states that have official state dinosaurs, and several more states that have official state fossils. New Jersey's is the hadrosaurus. So at some point there was enough people in local legislature who agreed that we definitely need a state dinosaur, or how will we compete with the likes of New Jersey? The District of Columbia's answer to the Jersey Shore Hadrosaur® was of of course, the Capitalsaurus. The senate is where shit gets done. Declare recess in the parliament of your mind and leave such frivolity to the judiciary clade of the Holocene Era.
Aquarius- Tweak one little thing in the genetic development of the human brain, and the cornucopia of wacky that ensues can induce tripping balls. Case in point: there's this autistic guy, who from age 2 is a master pianist. In his brain, he can hear more than one melody at one time. And get this, if you ask him to play a Beethoven piece, for example, in the style of Mozart, he can do it instantly and without forethought. The Aquarian brain is an equally wacky place. We truly are the music makers and the dreamers of dreams. All ideas, thoughts and delusions in and out side the underlying cosmic ubiquity (curse you, Shiva) can be enough to drive one to madness. Which is exactly why you need to know when to give it a rest and have some tacos listen to the ocean breathing.
Pisces- We are the music makers / and we are the dreamers of dreams / wandering by lone sea breakers / and sitting by desolate streams / world losers and world forsakers / on whom the pale moon gleams / yet we are the movers and shakers / of the world for ever, it seems. Yes, Willy Wonka, but penned by Arthur O'Shaughnessy, who at 17 became the transcriber for the Library of the British Museum, and oddly later at 19, a herpetologist. Only a Pisces can make an Aquarius jealous, and possibly a bit obsessed. No wonder you hide away from world. You are intellect and emotion wrapped up in a most delicious rainbow rolls. You are perfection for my tongue and ears. Your will is always aligned with that of the 'verses'. And lizards apparently.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
this week, there is no Thursday, only Zuul.
Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True
Horror-scopes
disclaimer: Those who revile satire are often thoughtless ignominious cowards, piloting their garbage scows only towards envy and fear.
this week: I don't know much, but I assure you, there is a wonderful reason I'm not wearing pants.
Aries- This week, when we hit 11:11am on 11/11/11, I want you to eat of a ripe mango, while standing on one foot, and think of what you love most. Hopefully that won't turn out to be yourself. Then at 11:11pm, you should take a moment to think about the last twelve hours and whether or not superstition helped you get what you want. I find that wishing begets more wishing and then more of not having. Granted that having can make you yearn for the having of something else, and so on, until one day you wake up in a motel in Butthole, 2 miles outside of Ahole City, in a bath tub full of ice, wondering where your liver is. Don't ask, just take. But be nice about it, don't be a Buren®.
Taurus- You can crack an egg, a joke, a case, a nut, a door, or a smile. You can also crack pepper. Corn is also in the realm of crack filled adventurism™, and you don't even have to give a flying fudge while you're doing it. You can crack up laughing, crack up crazy, fall through the cracks, crack under pressure, heck-- you can crack open a beer, in fact, crack two beers cause I just got here, and I like beer. But, you... You are uncrackable. You're impervious, you're granite, you're freakin' Gibraltar. You are made of super hard nuts. Stop using them to crack lame idioms, and build yourself a better oak tree.
Gemini- Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitan is the longest name for a place in the world at a ridiculous 85 letters. It's like a stroke for your tongue and a coronary for your frontal lobe. It's a hill in New Zealand, that in the Maori language roughly translates to: 'The summit where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, the climber of mountains, the land-swallower who travelled about, played his nose flute to his loved one'. How a population with a mostly oral history tradition can keep track of this verbose lore leads me to believe the Maori must be operating on a higher level. I recommend you channel, emulate and star in as many Maori dreams as your brain can handle. For extra oomph, use your nose flute.
Cancer- You are a beach after a storm, deserted and wind blown, the winds that pushed the storm through still blow briskly and purposefully, but aimed at a farther place. You are littered with debris, festooned with wayward kelp and circled by pelicans searching for tidbits and morsels dredged landward by the waves. The scattered after clouds filter my sunlight into prisms, waves upon waves of your unsubtle and coyful banter crash upon the sand. Your beauty is more than I can bear, for it is all to brief. Tomorrow you are once again sun, bbq's, easy breezes, and merely the dreams and whispers of far away islands.
Leo- Gravity is the weakest of the all the 'verses' forces. We beat the crap out of gravity all the time-- hot air balloons, airplanes, the occasional trip between commercials to the kitchen to get another slice of pizza and a micro-waved chocolate brownie with some broccoli coffee prune ice cream-- Yumm with two m's, btw. Gravity is bullshit. However, the evil graviton does its work over time, pulling our skin lower and lower, our boobs, our asses, our balls, and our arm flab all destined for the floor and beyond. Not to mention the fact that we're literally taller in the morning than at the end of the day. But You are a graviton's worst nightmare, and no force in the 'verse can stop you.
Virgo- Empathy is when you've been there, and sympathy is when you haven't been there, but can only imagine how you might feel. Don't spread it around, but yours truly has Virgo rising, and I grok what you got, even if I envision a larger reality, which includes Virgo, daughter of Zeus and Themis (divine law), who was so sickened by the brutality of the wars of men, that she left earth for the stars, her scales of justice becoming nearby Libra. You are an empath, and compassion may seem a curse at times, but it's true reality is the gift of gifts. Grok your bliss and fear not your god(s).
Libra- Astrology was relevant when the sky was a more inclusive part of our daily existence. Humans didn't live inside their minds, their internets or their capitalism. Being a part of the natural world was integral to survival. Our ancestors had a visceral connection with the 'verse, while ours has been ever evolutionarily ebbing. Couch Potatoism® is rampant. No one can predict your destiny. The sky, the trees, the rocks, every single atom you're made of is forging your destiny with the help of the fourth dimension, in real time, its course potentially changing every second. Tread lightly but with passion and compassion, sympathy and empathy.
Scorpio- A single corn stalk is a synecdoche for the entire corn field. Each seed follows a 10 billion year old genetic blueprint, gravity pulling roots down, the sun commanding the plant upward like a guy with a flute and cobra in a basket, an image that seems possibly racist in retrospect, but it was a different world then and... one seed, multiple ears, each containing even more seeds, the corn's endgame being, of course, world domination. Corn is deep shit, yo. It even survives our colons. And with the global biofuel boondoggle, corn is subsidized-- it's ubiquitous now, man-- game over, corn is people. You are a corn seed, you are earth.
Sagittarius- Introducing the iQ, soon to come from Apple, if they would only answer my calls. It's an iPad® that's wired right into your brain. Imagine, you could listen to music inside your own head, just like some god may have very well intended. You can search the internet, download movies, books, weird russian circus porn from the 1940's-- whatever, the world is your perverted oyster! You'll never have to leave your head again, unless you want a soda, or to do anything regarding your physical appearance, or get a real date in the form of a person. Also coming soon, the iCatheter and the iFeedingtube. Don't fall in the trap, keep your legs. To run, either mentally or physically, is freedom in its highest form.
Capricorn- The sheep is zodiacally™ and societally ignored. The West tends to think in cattle terms, but the use of sheep predates cattle, and is a more apt metaphor for the human psyche. It's a gentle animal that provides meat and warmth and thus, life. What a magnificent and hardy beast. Dig deep and/or de-volve this: the word distaff is indirectly female, it refers to the stick around which one spins wool into a weaveable material, work which for centuries was the purview of women, hence distaff means female. Regardless of your current genitalia, you are Saint Distaff, sustainer of life, a totemic savior, and sacrificial soul all wrapped up into one fuzzy delicious bundle. To ovine is to divine.
Aquarius- Paul Newman, arguably the epitome of cool Aquarii, once said in a speech at Princeton, "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence, I think not." His remark resulted in the occasionally celebrated Newman Day, where the celebrants drink 24 beers in 24 hours. I don't know what's more impressive: a) college students casually flirting with engendering alcoholism, or b) that even an Aquarii's offhand remark can motivate people to action. With words of even minor importance, comes great responsibility. Try to make all the holidays you spawn peaceful ones.
Pisces- In 1919, the duties of the International Time Bureau (Google it, I dare you) was over taken by the International Astronomical Union. They're a group of intellectuals with phd's and high iq's that think up new ways to unite the world in and through astronomy. Big brains creating touchstones of thought and knowledge to further the evolution of our collective intellects and psyches. They're Super Nerds. They're predispositioned, nay driven to remain unbiased and live within a provable 'verse. Unbiased, uniting the world, an end to need, and an end to greed, and maybe to death itself. Peace in our time. Awake and sing. You are made of manna, you should be in that think tank, hell, you are a think tank creating pathways to divine wealth for us all.
Horror-scopes
disclaimer: Those who revile satire are often thoughtless ignominious cowards, piloting their garbage scows only towards envy and fear.
this week: I don't know much, but I assure you, there is a wonderful reason I'm not wearing pants.
Aries- This week, when we hit 11:11am on 11/11/11, I want you to eat of a ripe mango, while standing on one foot, and think of what you love most. Hopefully that won't turn out to be yourself. Then at 11:11pm, you should take a moment to think about the last twelve hours and whether or not superstition helped you get what you want. I find that wishing begets more wishing and then more of not having. Granted that having can make you yearn for the having of something else, and so on, until one day you wake up in a motel in Butthole, 2 miles outside of Ahole City, in a bath tub full of ice, wondering where your liver is. Don't ask, just take. But be nice about it, don't be a Buren®.
Taurus- You can crack an egg, a joke, a case, a nut, a door, or a smile. You can also crack pepper. Corn is also in the realm of crack filled adventurism™, and you don't even have to give a flying fudge while you're doing it. You can crack up laughing, crack up crazy, fall through the cracks, crack under pressure, heck-- you can crack open a beer, in fact, crack two beers cause I just got here, and I like beer. But, you... You are uncrackable. You're impervious, you're granite, you're freakin' Gibraltar. You are made of super hard nuts. Stop using them to crack lame idioms, and build yourself a better oak tree.
Gemini- Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitan is the longest name for a place in the world at a ridiculous 85 letters. It's like a stroke for your tongue and a coronary for your frontal lobe. It's a hill in New Zealand, that in the Maori language roughly translates to: 'The summit where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, the climber of mountains, the land-swallower who travelled about, played his nose flute to his loved one'. How a population with a mostly oral history tradition can keep track of this verbose lore leads me to believe the Maori must be operating on a higher level. I recommend you channel, emulate and star in as many Maori dreams as your brain can handle. For extra oomph, use your nose flute.
Cancer- You are a beach after a storm, deserted and wind blown, the winds that pushed the storm through still blow briskly and purposefully, but aimed at a farther place. You are littered with debris, festooned with wayward kelp and circled by pelicans searching for tidbits and morsels dredged landward by the waves. The scattered after clouds filter my sunlight into prisms, waves upon waves of your unsubtle and coyful banter crash upon the sand. Your beauty is more than I can bear, for it is all to brief. Tomorrow you are once again sun, bbq's, easy breezes, and merely the dreams and whispers of far away islands.
Leo- Gravity is the weakest of the all the 'verses' forces. We beat the crap out of gravity all the time-- hot air balloons, airplanes, the occasional trip between commercials to the kitchen to get another slice of pizza and a micro-waved chocolate brownie with some broccoli coffee prune ice cream-- Yumm with two m's, btw. Gravity is bullshit. However, the evil graviton does its work over time, pulling our skin lower and lower, our boobs, our asses, our balls, and our arm flab all destined for the floor and beyond. Not to mention the fact that we're literally taller in the morning than at the end of the day. But You are a graviton's worst nightmare, and no force in the 'verse can stop you.
Virgo- Empathy is when you've been there, and sympathy is when you haven't been there, but can only imagine how you might feel. Don't spread it around, but yours truly has Virgo rising, and I grok what you got, even if I envision a larger reality, which includes Virgo, daughter of Zeus and Themis (divine law), who was so sickened by the brutality of the wars of men, that she left earth for the stars, her scales of justice becoming nearby Libra. You are an empath, and compassion may seem a curse at times, but it's true reality is the gift of gifts. Grok your bliss and fear not your god(s).
Libra- Astrology was relevant when the sky was a more inclusive part of our daily existence. Humans didn't live inside their minds, their internets or their capitalism. Being a part of the natural world was integral to survival. Our ancestors had a visceral connection with the 'verse, while ours has been ever evolutionarily ebbing. Couch Potatoism® is rampant. No one can predict your destiny. The sky, the trees, the rocks, every single atom you're made of is forging your destiny with the help of the fourth dimension, in real time, its course potentially changing every second. Tread lightly but with passion and compassion, sympathy and empathy.
Scorpio- A single corn stalk is a synecdoche for the entire corn field. Each seed follows a 10 billion year old genetic blueprint, gravity pulling roots down, the sun commanding the plant upward like a guy with a flute and cobra in a basket, an image that seems possibly racist in retrospect, but it was a different world then and... one seed, multiple ears, each containing even more seeds, the corn's endgame being, of course, world domination. Corn is deep shit, yo. It even survives our colons. And with the global biofuel boondoggle, corn is subsidized-- it's ubiquitous now, man-- game over, corn is people. You are a corn seed, you are earth.
Sagittarius- Introducing the iQ, soon to come from Apple, if they would only answer my calls. It's an iPad® that's wired right into your brain. Imagine, you could listen to music inside your own head, just like some god may have very well intended. You can search the internet, download movies, books, weird russian circus porn from the 1940's-- whatever, the world is your perverted oyster! You'll never have to leave your head again, unless you want a soda, or to do anything regarding your physical appearance, or get a real date in the form of a person. Also coming soon, the iCatheter and the iFeedingtube. Don't fall in the trap, keep your legs. To run, either mentally or physically, is freedom in its highest form.
Capricorn- The sheep is zodiacally™ and societally ignored. The West tends to think in cattle terms, but the use of sheep predates cattle, and is a more apt metaphor for the human psyche. It's a gentle animal that provides meat and warmth and thus, life. What a magnificent and hardy beast. Dig deep and/or de-volve this: the word distaff is indirectly female, it refers to the stick around which one spins wool into a weaveable material, work which for centuries was the purview of women, hence distaff means female. Regardless of your current genitalia, you are Saint Distaff, sustainer of life, a totemic savior, and sacrificial soul all wrapped up into one fuzzy delicious bundle. To ovine is to divine.
Aquarius- Paul Newman, arguably the epitome of cool Aquarii, once said in a speech at Princeton, "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence, I think not." His remark resulted in the occasionally celebrated Newman Day, where the celebrants drink 24 beers in 24 hours. I don't know what's more impressive: a) college students casually flirting with engendering alcoholism, or b) that even an Aquarii's offhand remark can motivate people to action. With words of even minor importance, comes great responsibility. Try to make all the holidays you spawn peaceful ones.
Pisces- In 1919, the duties of the International Time Bureau (Google it, I dare you) was over taken by the International Astronomical Union. They're a group of intellectuals with phd's and high iq's that think up new ways to unite the world in and through astronomy. Big brains creating touchstones of thought and knowledge to further the evolution of our collective intellects and psyches. They're Super Nerds. They're predispositioned, nay driven to remain unbiased and live within a provable 'verse. Unbiased, uniting the world, an end to need, and an end to greed, and maybe to death itself. Peace in our time. Awake and sing. You are made of manna, you should be in that think tank, hell, you are a think tank creating pathways to divine wealth for us all.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Dr. Pants McTurd's Eerily True Horrorscopes
disclaimer: There is no cure for satire, and only fascists look for one.
this week: Turkey Season is officially open. Time to oil up the ol' musket and plot me some murder.
Aries- I'm trippin' on total protonic reversal, crossing the streams, man and I know you can dig it. So, the other day I broke a plate. Not a big surprise, persistent distracted clumsiness is one of my more palatable charms. But this plate didn't just break, it shattered, divesting itself into a tumult of shards. In less than a second it ceased being a plate and became something else entirely. Smash. Heartbeat. Change. Don't blink, creative destruction is waiting for you to look the other way.
Taurus- Even though you are the youngest earth sign, your agent the Bull is old school, circa 4300 BCE, so NOT common, right! Bull worshipping cults were deemed awesome all the way from Egypt to Assyria. The ankh, also known as the symbol of life came also into existence about that time, the ankh actually representing a bull's vertebrae. It took Charlton Heston breaking up your all night golden bull calf saturnalias to bring an end to the Age of Taurus. Luckily, the 'verse is circular-ish and one day far off, your descendants will be worshipping you all over again. Mmmmmmm-- bloodletting and zoolatry...
Gemini- Your acts of barbarism and carpetbagging of late have aroused the prurient interests of the local thought police, and I'm pretty sure that someone has been tailing you in an over the top red Ferrari that sticks out like a sore thumb in a wet finger contest. I'm not saying it's Magnum, but it might be, and his mustache can hella beat up your mustache. So, as your attorney, I say flee. Enjoy Venezuela and have some tajadas and miche.
Cancer- The Erdős number predates the six degrees of Kevin Bacon. But some Hungarian math geek doesn't slide off the tongue with the same coolness as the Baconator®; I mean, that guy was in Footloose, dude... and this Erdős guy is just some savant genius with fifteen honorary doctorates and two weird accent marks. He wasn't even in any movies, certainly none about the freedom to dance, or the one where he got paddled in a frat house hazing. Thank you, sir, may I have another. Speaking of asses, steady and ready yourself for a friendly paddling, followed by your favorite ice cream and a short PSA about just what is holding you back from achieving your highest aspirations. The movie is both irrelevant and poorly cast. Take notes.
Leo- You have a benign realism that inspires your chest skyward in a prideful show of cat-like indifference in and de-spite of the oncoming onslaught of officious snarkiness that our 'verse often favors in lieu of a simple hello and a no malice aforethought fist bump / fake shoulder hug that is usually reserved for the empty brains of hipster douchebags. So be only slightly wary, out of the corners of your conscious eyes, your snout will inevitably get swatted. Dust off and get going. My baby doesn't like the corner and she's got work to do.
Virgo- The Articles of Confederation were the constitution before the Constitution had any actual constitution. Although, its original title added the phrase.. and Perpetual Union. Yikes. Perpetual, really? Can't we do anything in this country in the spirit of experimentation and science, upon which this country is allegedly founded? We have to hopscotch all the way to forever promises and unbreakable betrothal and other such useless hullabaloolistic™ snipe hunts? Let's just see how this goes and if we're a good match, and as soon as I see something perpetual, I'll send you a telegram using smoke signals in the shape of a diamond ring and a steak dinner.
Libra- Intercourse, Virginville, and Blue Ball are all located in the sex obsessed state of Pennsylvania. However, I prefer to summer in Spread Eagle, Wisconsin-- your choice of fetish comes with an aged cheddar and a beer! Threeway, Virginia is also nice, if a bit exhausting. My biggest dilemma is deciding which Climax to visit... I usually end up there eventually. There's 4 Climaxes-- Georgia, Michigan, New York, and North Carolina. I wonder if in another 'verse somewhere, there's an Anticlimax? I assume it would be in New Jersey. Meet me in Wisconsin and we'll have a go of it. Let's burn our pants and live in the wild.
Scorpio- The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is exactly that. It's a giant patch of garbage of indeterminate size floating in the ocean, and yeah, it's indeterminate. We have no idea how big it is. We know more about the size of Dick Cheney's secret safe than we do the size of the huge-tastic™ floating garbage pile we've created that is nebulously menacing our sushi population from afar asea. On the bright side, we've named it, so that's cool. The GPGP, (distastefully clever, I think...) is sure to be claimed by the first refugee nation to ever get their own island. My friend Tom says though, that you don't have to live like a refugee. Swim to the mainland, my friend, the water is getting murderous.
Sagittarius- Martin Van Buren is easily one of the front runners for dorkiest President. You remember-- balding guy, mutton chops, Trail of Tears. Wait, not dorkiest, most Cheney-like, full of ulterior motives and dark operandi. Lots of nuts in lots of secret vices, guys like that they all have the same tell-- a greedy far away stare that hearkens back to the time of robber barons who turned useless patches of land where pointless agrarians were "living" into black gold, ridiculous profits, and of course the inevitable wagging of one's privates right in the face of public good and common human decency. Don't be a Buren.
Capricorn- I don't want to freak your shit out, but only the top half of you is a goat. Your bottom half is a fish.You're a sea-goat, whatever the hell that is. The constellation Capricorn has its origins in Babylonian times, the goat representing the rise of folks like the Sumerians (Gozer worshippers....) and the Akkadians (Count Vigo lovers...) from the swamp on which it was built. The horns of the sea-goat may represent the cities of Ninevah and Babylon, one on the Tigris, one on the Euphrates. You are civilization itself rising from the fertile primordial soup in our shared natal crescent that spawned all organized human life as we know it. No pressure though.
Aquarius- Animals sniff each others' butts to make sure that they're cool, and only after one's ass is determined acceptably enmitous™, can the foreplay of slobbering and ball chasing commence. All very predictable. I say, seduce your quarry by leading him/her/them to some dark boudoir where where the only thing you two/three/etc leave standing is the sweet smell of sex and sounds of passionate stroking. And do it when they least suspect it. Your unpredictability makes you lip smacking good. It also makes people willing to pay any price for what you got in your pants. Invest in your own deep pockets.
Pisces- Boston, San Fran and D.C. are all built on swamps. Sorry, reclaimed wetland that I rightly call swamps. Hong Kong Disneyland and the Hong Kong Airport-- total morass. A solid one-fifth, 20 freaking percent, of the Netherlands is former quagmire. Speaking of you, your uliginose is the moistest uliginose I've ever attempted to row my dinghy into. It's full of complex life forms of the highest order of ascendancy. Most cities destroy the wetland in favor of high rises, but yours is a superior intellect. Your psychic city floats serenely poised atop, maintaining your effulgent sweaty under bog. Your insides are sultry and tropical and teeming with life; and your exteriors are glass and steel forged from multi-versal compassion.
disclaimer: There is no cure for satire, and only fascists look for one.
this week: Turkey Season is officially open. Time to oil up the ol' musket and plot me some murder.
Aries- I'm trippin' on total protonic reversal, crossing the streams, man and I know you can dig it. So, the other day I broke a plate. Not a big surprise, persistent distracted clumsiness is one of my more palatable charms. But this plate didn't just break, it shattered, divesting itself into a tumult of shards. In less than a second it ceased being a plate and became something else entirely. Smash. Heartbeat. Change. Don't blink, creative destruction is waiting for you to look the other way.
Taurus- Even though you are the youngest earth sign, your agent the Bull is old school, circa 4300 BCE, so NOT common, right! Bull worshipping cults were deemed awesome all the way from Egypt to Assyria. The ankh, also known as the symbol of life came also into existence about that time, the ankh actually representing a bull's vertebrae. It took Charlton Heston breaking up your all night golden bull calf saturnalias to bring an end to the Age of Taurus. Luckily, the 'verse is circular-ish and one day far off, your descendants will be worshipping you all over again. Mmmmmmm-- bloodletting and zoolatry...
Gemini- Your acts of barbarism and carpetbagging of late have aroused the prurient interests of the local thought police, and I'm pretty sure that someone has been tailing you in an over the top red Ferrari that sticks out like a sore thumb in a wet finger contest. I'm not saying it's Magnum, but it might be, and his mustache can hella beat up your mustache. So, as your attorney, I say flee. Enjoy Venezuela and have some tajadas and miche.
Cancer- The Erdős number predates the six degrees of Kevin Bacon. But some Hungarian math geek doesn't slide off the tongue with the same coolness as the Baconator®; I mean, that guy was in Footloose, dude... and this Erdős guy is just some savant genius with fifteen honorary doctorates and two weird accent marks. He wasn't even in any movies, certainly none about the freedom to dance, or the one where he got paddled in a frat house hazing. Thank you, sir, may I have another. Speaking of asses, steady and ready yourself for a friendly paddling, followed by your favorite ice cream and a short PSA about just what is holding you back from achieving your highest aspirations. The movie is both irrelevant and poorly cast. Take notes.
Leo- You have a benign realism that inspires your chest skyward in a prideful show of cat-like indifference in and de-spite of the oncoming onslaught of officious snarkiness that our 'verse often favors in lieu of a simple hello and a no malice aforethought fist bump / fake shoulder hug that is usually reserved for the empty brains of hipster douchebags. So be only slightly wary, out of the corners of your conscious eyes, your snout will inevitably get swatted. Dust off and get going. My baby doesn't like the corner and she's got work to do.
Virgo- The Articles of Confederation were the constitution before the Constitution had any actual constitution. Although, its original title added the phrase.. and Perpetual Union. Yikes. Perpetual, really? Can't we do anything in this country in the spirit of experimentation and science, upon which this country is allegedly founded? We have to hopscotch all the way to forever promises and unbreakable betrothal and other such useless hullabaloolistic™ snipe hunts? Let's just see how this goes and if we're a good match, and as soon as I see something perpetual, I'll send you a telegram using smoke signals in the shape of a diamond ring and a steak dinner.
Libra- Intercourse, Virginville, and Blue Ball are all located in the sex obsessed state of Pennsylvania. However, I prefer to summer in Spread Eagle, Wisconsin-- your choice of fetish comes with an aged cheddar and a beer! Threeway, Virginia is also nice, if a bit exhausting. My biggest dilemma is deciding which Climax to visit... I usually end up there eventually. There's 4 Climaxes-- Georgia, Michigan, New York, and North Carolina. I wonder if in another 'verse somewhere, there's an Anticlimax? I assume it would be in New Jersey. Meet me in Wisconsin and we'll have a go of it. Let's burn our pants and live in the wild.
Scorpio- The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is exactly that. It's a giant patch of garbage of indeterminate size floating in the ocean, and yeah, it's indeterminate. We have no idea how big it is. We know more about the size of Dick Cheney's secret safe than we do the size of the huge-tastic™ floating garbage pile we've created that is nebulously menacing our sushi population from afar asea. On the bright side, we've named it, so that's cool. The GPGP, (distastefully clever, I think...) is sure to be claimed by the first refugee nation to ever get their own island. My friend Tom says though, that you don't have to live like a refugee. Swim to the mainland, my friend, the water is getting murderous.
Sagittarius- Martin Van Buren is easily one of the front runners for dorkiest President. You remember-- balding guy, mutton chops, Trail of Tears. Wait, not dorkiest, most Cheney-like, full of ulterior motives and dark operandi. Lots of nuts in lots of secret vices, guys like that they all have the same tell-- a greedy far away stare that hearkens back to the time of robber barons who turned useless patches of land where pointless agrarians were "living" into black gold, ridiculous profits, and of course the inevitable wagging of one's privates right in the face of public good and common human decency. Don't be a Buren.
Capricorn- I don't want to freak your shit out, but only the top half of you is a goat. Your bottom half is a fish.You're a sea-goat, whatever the hell that is. The constellation Capricorn has its origins in Babylonian times, the goat representing the rise of folks like the Sumerians (Gozer worshippers....) and the Akkadians (Count Vigo lovers...) from the swamp on which it was built. The horns of the sea-goat may represent the cities of Ninevah and Babylon, one on the Tigris, one on the Euphrates. You are civilization itself rising from the fertile primordial soup in our shared natal crescent that spawned all organized human life as we know it. No pressure though.
Aquarius- Animals sniff each others' butts to make sure that they're cool, and only after one's ass is determined acceptably enmitous™, can the foreplay of slobbering and ball chasing commence. All very predictable. I say, seduce your quarry by leading him/her/them to some dark boudoir where where the only thing you two/three/etc leave standing is the sweet smell of sex and sounds of passionate stroking. And do it when they least suspect it. Your unpredictability makes you lip smacking good. It also makes people willing to pay any price for what you got in your pants. Invest in your own deep pockets.
Pisces- Boston, San Fran and D.C. are all built on swamps. Sorry, reclaimed wetland that I rightly call swamps. Hong Kong Disneyland and the Hong Kong Airport-- total morass. A solid one-fifth, 20 freaking percent, of the Netherlands is former quagmire. Speaking of you, your uliginose is the moistest uliginose I've ever attempted to row my dinghy into. It's full of complex life forms of the highest order of ascendancy. Most cities destroy the wetland in favor of high rises, but yours is a superior intellect. Your psychic city floats serenely poised atop, maintaining your effulgent sweaty under bog. Your insides are sultry and tropical and teeming with life; and your exteriors are glass and steel forged from multi-versal compassion.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Dr. Pants McTurd's Eerily True Horrorscopes
disclaimer: Satire is only scary, if you don't get the joke.
this week: Happy Hallowe'en. Have some blood.
Aries- Soothsayers, prognosticators and purveyors of the future will often tell you that you are a divided soul, caught between two unhappy masters, under whom unmerciful disaster follows fast and follows faster-- but thankfully you are about to enter a more constructive phase where everything will become clear and you will be rewarded for your fortitude. Such hokum and bunkum says to me that we all feel like the world is collapsing around us all the time, and that the promise of unity of mind, body and spirit will imminently assuage our souls and give us the peace of mind to go bravely into the new world. I, however, promise you nothing. I only wish to remind you of the delusional nature of this dualistic dimension. Good luck and enjoy fish while they still exist.
Taurus- Aspen trees are a clonal colony, that is to say they are genetically identical and reproduce vegetatively rather than sexually-- bummer for them, right? So, a group of these trees is actually one individual life form pushing its way through the environment, mostly underground through the roots, like subterranean communism. Their goal? Probably world domination and the enslavement of the human race that would serve a planet full of aspen trees, even though they only grow at certain altitudes, that would make world domination pretty much impossible from a genetic standpoint. But fuck 'em, Dulcinea, dream the implausible dream. You will be rewarded with manna, not from heaven, but like east Jersey. Hella manna out there.
Gemini- So, dig this: so far, there's a guy buried on the moon. Well, his ashes anyway- shipping a body up there ain't cheap. And get this, there's only one guy whose ashes are going beyond the solar system aboard New Horizons, bound for Pluto in 2015. Heck, there's a bunch of folks in high orbit above us right now. For this year's holiday commemorating the awesomeness of ancestor worship, take a moment to acknowledge and thank the dead all around us, for their unbending service in circling our planet and patrolling our solar system, protecting us from the brain raping space aliens, known as the Ch'u'umbar from Galaxy X-J17. They're the real deal.
Cancer- You need to be free. You should be running fast and unfettered in the mountains where the baloney grows wild and asparagus can speak english, but with a weird lisp that makes not laughing at them a daunting challenge, and you don't want to insult them lest they curse your pee with devil smell for the rest of your days, cause they have the power to make that stick fer reals, trust me- have the broccoli, way less to deal with. Broccoli likes to be eaten. Can you blame them, who wants to be broccoli 24-7? Bullshit, I choose freedom! Who's with me?!
Leo- If you repeat the word aardvark 6000 times, after one hour the language center of your brain will transmogrify, making you fluent in dutch for about a minute and a half. The freaky-deaky dutch love aardvarks. Aardvark sandwiches, aardvark stew, aardvark paella, etc. ad aard nauseam. I'm fascinated by any word with two weird vowels in a row. The words vacuum and continuum make my naughty parts tingle. Taxiing and skiing make my pants fall down. And then there's muumuu-- a whole other dimension. My sincere genuflection is deep, its transcendent effulgence makes me cream in my spiritual pants. Double down this H-we'en, and make your birthday suit your costume.
Virgo- The outlook for your occasionally humble ascendancy is exceedingly full of ordered mischief that is both profoundly profane and full of piquant misanthropy, rendering your company amusingly annoying and irradiatingly balmy. I strive to be somewhat reticent on the specificity of your sometimes querulous qualities for I know thee to be a impious knave and a slipper feet-wise, particularly regarding the devilish details, which you obsessively plyeth™ through. My advice is to buy some new shoes, you've been walking funny.
Libra- The mind is a cantankerous and unwieldy place, that to organizize™ properly requires luck and the time to do it. Alack, what exquisite torture is the entropic life, forever upending itself both catty and kitty wampus. Organizizing™ is at best a temporary means to maintaining psychic survival. We smart apes. We remember stuff. Ay, the proverbial rub-a-dub. Two words for yous: Bath salts and soapy bubbles-- lots of 'em. Go soak your head and replenish your neurons in luxurious luxuriant luxury, and then repeat. Then fill your brain hole with love in its most gaseous form; at that speed the electrons of love move the fastest, spinning love at its highest vibration. Love remembers all, but as we apes forget to do, love always remembers with compassionate forgiveness.
Scorpio- One of the origins of trick-or-treating began in the middle ages, when on Hallowmass, or All-Saints-Day, children would be given 'soul cakes' in exchange for prayers for the dead. Soul cakes---raisins and herring....Mmmmm... Anyway, ancestor worship is so Sumeria circa blah blah BCE, dude, Before the Common era, yo! The future merits your praise. Consider your offspring and their offspring and so on down the ol' ma and pa-trilineal line. While understanding the past is vital to not repeating it, seek thou to worship what is to come. Pay the homage forward, and bake me some soul cakes with chocolate chips and don't be stingy with the herring.
Sagittarius- Pi, or π, but not pie unless it gooseberry, and even then odds are it's a cobbler, very subtle difference to be sure, but one of some importance considering the ongoing mortgage crisis and the falling price of used underwear... is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter. Any circle. Any f***ing circle... anywhere. Pi times the square of the radius is the area of any f***ing circle too. F***ingA, paisan. The constancy of standing on level ground while sailing the high seas is an ever widening river that you think you need to cross. What if, and I'm just saying hypof***ingthetically what the f*** if that river is actually a circle, like a water snake eating its own tail, and the end is never nigh, but rather never ending.
Capricorn- The tradition of shaving and ducking, where new sailors' are shaved and then dunked into the ocean as they cross the Tropic of Cancer, wasn't always so pleasantly frat-like. If we de-volve the practice to an earlier century, it was called keelhauling, a punishment which entailed being dragged by a rope beneath the keel of a ship, where you could either be scraped all to hell by barnacles and nearly drown, or if you were lucky, just drown. The 1500's were rough at sea, hella pirates. Luckily, you are now a mere few days away from a good friendly dunking. The waters here are empowering and will make you smell like fresh baked cinnamon raisin bread. It is a delicious delirious delirium to be even a dream of you.
Aquarius- Beware the paralysis caused by the over analysis. Or as the french say, 'if you over think think, your dink dink won't go bink bink and all the women will laugh and snigger.' Irregardless™ of the inescapable french refusal to use non racial stereotypes when referring to male genitalia, no surprise there..., and in the style of DesCartes or even Richelieu, one must eat of human to be human, or as Napoleon claimed from Elba, "Je suis une general je ne sais quoi." These roses are for you, Aquarius, please smell them and render your opinion via text to π77345, then press the any key, and remove your pants forthwith, the time has come and we need your leadership.
Pisces- In the movie Bridesmaids, the cop love interest with the weird accent that never really got explained, turns out he was right, and you freaked out when somebody (over)-liked you, and now we're stuck. Which is not dis-ironically apropos. This Virgo girl I know from years past, who maybe, yeah I should have married, but it's too late now, water, bridge, etc-- such a kerfuffle. Henceforth, I cease and desist all hostilities, irregardless™ of causation (yours) and will henceforth welcome you with open arms, but a wary eye.
addendum of the damned
Should thou feel'st cheated, thy horrorscope ne'er actually horrific, nor blood curdling, nay not e'e'n slightly boo-tastic, yea console thy soul with this super scary thought: someday, our sun will explode! Boo, scary. Witches!, ----aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh, ... glurgle™, glurgle™, blood clogging my throat like a dirty pipe with poop and hair in it... aortic and colonic shutdown imminent....gooey fluids....so much gooey fluids...
strangely, i smell copper and angel feet....last breath coming soon
...agghhhhh....hssssssss.... Isadore, my one true love, I will be with you soon......
I am expired. Beware my haunting. Probably sometime in late february. Leap year approaching... iCalendar loading slow...will email you to schedule---
What's that?----Bhudda?!?!?!?.....what are you doing in heaven?
-- What do you mean I'm vegan now too!?!?
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....!
disclaimer: Satire is only scary, if you don't get the joke.
this week: Happy Hallowe'en. Have some blood.
Aries- Soothsayers, prognosticators and purveyors of the future will often tell you that you are a divided soul, caught between two unhappy masters, under whom unmerciful disaster follows fast and follows faster-- but thankfully you are about to enter a more constructive phase where everything will become clear and you will be rewarded for your fortitude. Such hokum and bunkum says to me that we all feel like the world is collapsing around us all the time, and that the promise of unity of mind, body and spirit will imminently assuage our souls and give us the peace of mind to go bravely into the new world. I, however, promise you nothing. I only wish to remind you of the delusional nature of this dualistic dimension. Good luck and enjoy fish while they still exist.
Taurus- Aspen trees are a clonal colony, that is to say they are genetically identical and reproduce vegetatively rather than sexually-- bummer for them, right? So, a group of these trees is actually one individual life form pushing its way through the environment, mostly underground through the roots, like subterranean communism. Their goal? Probably world domination and the enslavement of the human race that would serve a planet full of aspen trees, even though they only grow at certain altitudes, that would make world domination pretty much impossible from a genetic standpoint. But fuck 'em, Dulcinea, dream the implausible dream. You will be rewarded with manna, not from heaven, but like east Jersey. Hella manna out there.
Gemini- So, dig this: so far, there's a guy buried on the moon. Well, his ashes anyway- shipping a body up there ain't cheap. And get this, there's only one guy whose ashes are going beyond the solar system aboard New Horizons, bound for Pluto in 2015. Heck, there's a bunch of folks in high orbit above us right now. For this year's holiday commemorating the awesomeness of ancestor worship, take a moment to acknowledge and thank the dead all around us, for their unbending service in circling our planet and patrolling our solar system, protecting us from the brain raping space aliens, known as the Ch'u'umbar from Galaxy X-J17. They're the real deal.
Cancer- You need to be free. You should be running fast and unfettered in the mountains where the baloney grows wild and asparagus can speak english, but with a weird lisp that makes not laughing at them a daunting challenge, and you don't want to insult them lest they curse your pee with devil smell for the rest of your days, cause they have the power to make that stick fer reals, trust me- have the broccoli, way less to deal with. Broccoli likes to be eaten. Can you blame them, who wants to be broccoli 24-7? Bullshit, I choose freedom! Who's with me?!
Leo- If you repeat the word aardvark 6000 times, after one hour the language center of your brain will transmogrify, making you fluent in dutch for about a minute and a half. The freaky-deaky dutch love aardvarks. Aardvark sandwiches, aardvark stew, aardvark paella, etc. ad aard nauseam. I'm fascinated by any word with two weird vowels in a row. The words vacuum and continuum make my naughty parts tingle. Taxiing and skiing make my pants fall down. And then there's muumuu-- a whole other dimension. My sincere genuflection is deep, its transcendent effulgence makes me cream in my spiritual pants. Double down this H-we'en, and make your birthday suit your costume.
Virgo- The outlook for your occasionally humble ascendancy is exceedingly full of ordered mischief that is both profoundly profane and full of piquant misanthropy, rendering your company amusingly annoying and irradiatingly balmy. I strive to be somewhat reticent on the specificity of your sometimes querulous qualities for I know thee to be a impious knave and a slipper feet-wise, particularly regarding the devilish details, which you obsessively plyeth™ through. My advice is to buy some new shoes, you've been walking funny.
Libra- The mind is a cantankerous and unwieldy place, that to organizize™ properly requires luck and the time to do it. Alack, what exquisite torture is the entropic life, forever upending itself both catty and kitty wampus. Organizizing™ is at best a temporary means to maintaining psychic survival. We smart apes. We remember stuff. Ay, the proverbial rub-a-dub. Two words for yous: Bath salts and soapy bubbles-- lots of 'em. Go soak your head and replenish your neurons in luxurious luxuriant luxury, and then repeat. Then fill your brain hole with love in its most gaseous form; at that speed the electrons of love move the fastest, spinning love at its highest vibration. Love remembers all, but as we apes forget to do, love always remembers with compassionate forgiveness.
Scorpio- One of the origins of trick-or-treating began in the middle ages, when on Hallowmass, or All-Saints-Day, children would be given 'soul cakes' in exchange for prayers for the dead. Soul cakes---raisins and herring....Mmmmm... Anyway, ancestor worship is so Sumeria circa blah blah BCE, dude, Before the Common era, yo! The future merits your praise. Consider your offspring and their offspring and so on down the ol' ma and pa-trilineal line. While understanding the past is vital to not repeating it, seek thou to worship what is to come. Pay the homage forward, and bake me some soul cakes with chocolate chips and don't be stingy with the herring.
Sagittarius- Pi, or π, but not pie unless it gooseberry, and even then odds are it's a cobbler, very subtle difference to be sure, but one of some importance considering the ongoing mortgage crisis and the falling price of used underwear... is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter. Any circle. Any f***ing circle... anywhere. Pi times the square of the radius is the area of any f***ing circle too. F***ingA, paisan. The constancy of standing on level ground while sailing the high seas is an ever widening river that you think you need to cross. What if, and I'm just saying hypof***ingthetically what the f*** if that river is actually a circle, like a water snake eating its own tail, and the end is never nigh, but rather never ending.
Capricorn- The tradition of shaving and ducking, where new sailors' are shaved and then dunked into the ocean as they cross the Tropic of Cancer, wasn't always so pleasantly frat-like. If we de-volve the practice to an earlier century, it was called keelhauling, a punishment which entailed being dragged by a rope beneath the keel of a ship, where you could either be scraped all to hell by barnacles and nearly drown, or if you were lucky, just drown. The 1500's were rough at sea, hella pirates. Luckily, you are now a mere few days away from a good friendly dunking. The waters here are empowering and will make you smell like fresh baked cinnamon raisin bread. It is a delicious delirious delirium to be even a dream of you.
Aquarius- Beware the paralysis caused by the over analysis. Or as the french say, 'if you over think think, your dink dink won't go bink bink and all the women will laugh and snigger.' Irregardless™ of the inescapable french refusal to use non racial stereotypes when referring to male genitalia, no surprise there..., and in the style of DesCartes or even Richelieu, one must eat of human to be human, or as Napoleon claimed from Elba, "Je suis une general je ne sais quoi." These roses are for you, Aquarius, please smell them and render your opinion via text to π77345, then press the any key, and remove your pants forthwith, the time has come and we need your leadership.
Pisces- In the movie Bridesmaids, the cop love interest with the weird accent that never really got explained, turns out he was right, and you freaked out when somebody (over)-liked you, and now we're stuck. Which is not dis-ironically apropos. This Virgo girl I know from years past, who maybe, yeah I should have married, but it's too late now, water, bridge, etc-- such a kerfuffle. Henceforth, I cease and desist all hostilities, irregardless™ of causation (yours) and will henceforth welcome you with open arms, but a wary eye.
addendum of the damned
Should thou feel'st cheated, thy horrorscope ne'er actually horrific, nor blood curdling, nay not e'e'n slightly boo-tastic, yea console thy soul with this super scary thought: someday, our sun will explode! Boo, scary. Witches!, ----aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh, ... glurgle™, glurgle™, blood clogging my throat like a dirty pipe with poop and hair in it... aortic and colonic shutdown imminent....gooey fluids....so much gooey fluids...
strangely, i smell copper and angel feet....last breath coming soon
...agghhhhh....hssssssss.... Isadore, my one true love, I will be with you soon......
I am expired. Beware my haunting. Probably sometime in late february. Leap year approaching... iCalendar loading slow...will email you to schedule---
What's that?----Bhudda?!?!?!?.....what are you doing in heaven?
-- What do you mean I'm vegan now too!?!?
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Dr. Pants McTurd's Eerily True Horror-scopes
disclaimer: satire is capable of inciting rebellious thoughts, take liberally.
this week: big dudes wear big shirts. I'm a medium.
Aries- When creating a proper moniker or nom de plume for yourself, it is best to find the middle ground between a name that sounds high falutin' so as to appeal to the elite who have more money than taste or humility; and the hoi polloi, the unwashed masses of the world who prefer a name that is easily accessible and usually misspelled like most hip hop names. You could use your real name I suppose, but how pedestrian, how faux-shizzle™. Now is the perfect time to make yourself bigger than you are. Keep in mind, however that T. Love Peacock has already been taken.
Taurus- Passionate memories seem to improve as "the wine in the bottle dwindles". Don't let the world's passion for declivity bring you down. I suggest doing something dangerous, like cliff diving or rattlesnake taunting. Unless you prefer vanilla, in which case I recommend going crazy with some cookies and milk, and maybe catch some episodes of Full House. Keep in mind, however that the multiverse loves bold moves and crazy stunts, especially if you fall and break your ass. Leap and the net will appear-- theoretically.
Gemini- Probosticate™ is a word I just made up that means to predict the future with your nose. And right now, the future smells like oncoming funky. In your future, I'm getting a whiff of butterscotch and salmon. Maybe asbestos and roofing tar. The point is that right around your next corner is some truly weird shit. I can smell it. Yet be not afeared of the impending shit. The nature of this shit is more like ice cream. And not shit flavored ice cream, but like chocolate chip salmon, or armpit broccoli. Your future is a weird miasma of Mmmm...interesting. Eat it and smile.
Cancer- When I was a kid, I loved the show Riptide-- typical 80's detective show, except they lived on a boat! When translated into german, Riptide became Trio Mit Vier Fausten, or Trio with Four Fists, I assume because there was two tough guys and one nerd, and nerds don't know how to make a fist. But we nerds know how to make a fist, it's just that we're smarter than that. Violence is a human foible, not one that is extant or indicative of the entire 'verse. Nerds love science, right? And all the 'verses are evolving towards love, right? So, stop fighting and join the rest of your family in the River.
Leo- Life is a sucker punch. Always upending your shit at the most inopportune moments, those moments when you're too focused on the downfall of intelligent civilization and the inherent and inescapable effects of gamma rays on man in the moon marigolds, not to mention whatever you ate for lunch is repeating on you like a syndicated sitcom. Life is indeed a box of chocolates and some of them may be filled with salmon. But don't fear the future, bite down with gusto into that chocolate covered salmon and chase it with some avocado brandy. Go big or go home, and there's no crying baseball, especially when my Cards are gonna take this shit home!
Virgo- Whether you call it solipsism or samsara, they require some pretty big assumptions that require unattainable proof and probably miss the point of the whole multiverse. But then again I'm no dualist. Or even a duelist for that matter. I am an empiricist, one however that attempts to remain in accord with the vast sea of knowledge that is simply beyond the current grasp of this semi-evolved, slightly taller than most single celled organisms man-ape. Order is an illusion. We're moving sand around on a cosmic beach. Have a beer and a crepe and pretend for five seconds that you don't know what you're talking about.
Libra- The mustache has been kidnapped, co-opted and hornswoggled, mostly by pop culture of the 1970's, and I believe unfairly so. I once grew a 'stache so powerful that it could read peoples' minds. This other guy I know, I think his name was Magnum, he grew a mustache that could stop time. I think he solved a lot of crimes that way. Charlie Chaplin's mustache had the power to attract women in their 20's. And of course... Burt Reynolds. Irregardless of sex, you should get a mustache and show us your macho. Everything I've ever learned I've learned from Cannonball Run... If you're gonna be a bear, BE A GRIZZLY!!
Scorpio- The saint-soldier combo is a heavy sword to hone. Although Henry V and Joan of Arc came awfully close. There's too many inherent conflicts of interest. Saints aren't supposed to be riding into battle and soldiers rarely have time for introspection. Killing people is a full time business. Turns out that saintliness also permits very little personal time, way hella praying. If you can find a way to cross pollenate your saints and soldiers into one cogent personality, then you could fight evil, merge with the divine, and maybe even stop getting ripped off by TicketMaster. However, beware the philosophically slippery slope that begins with believing in the phrase:
'I pray for everything I kill and I kill everything that I pray for.'
Sagittarius- The Spouse Approval Factor means that if your partner likes it, you may buy that stereo, that car, or that cell phone. This implies that whoever you are with has better taste than you do, so defer to their authority and do what you're told-- you're lucky to get anything at all. I assume that also means that if you're single and live alone that everything you've ever bought for your home is an ugly piece of crap. If only you'd factored in the cost of a style consultant when purchasing your last couch, then maybe your dreams wouldn't be haunted by art deco curtains, argyle underwear and neon tube tops. Grow a pair, and don't listen to anybody.
Capricorn- That staticky™ sound a record makes after it has played its last track for me evokes the late 1970's. A hundred years before that, if you wanted music, your only listening option was to hear it played live, by actual people. Ten thousand years before the late 1870's, things were even more limited. When you're in the middle of an ice age, you're probably playing music and dancing just to keep your extremities from freezing. Ten million years before the Holocene Epoch, the only music was the sound of all the 'verses breathing, evolving and trying to figure out a way to create a record player. Long journey to get to Sketches of Spain played on a hi-fi, but well worth the wait.
Aquarius- Can't usually implies won't. Conversely, yes usually means more, please and don't stop. And to make things more unclear, no does not always mean no. Sometimes it means yes please, but don't cross the line. Furthermore, you may not claim the divine right of kings to justify the hole you drilled through the wall into your neighbor's shower. You may, however, plead the fifth. Words and intentions are a quagmire of "half deserted streets that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent". Stop relying on them. Show me, don't tell me.
Pisces- While Teddy Roosevelt was campaigning in 1912, he was shot in the chest, the bullet going through a folded 50 page speech in his pocket and lodging in his torso. He then decided he was fine, and gave the 90 minute speech anyway. We get it, dude, you're a bull moose-- good for you. The bullet was more dangerous to remove so it stayed inside his chest for the rest of his life. But you're no Teddy Roosevelt. You're not even a bull moose, but consider removing all those bullets you've been lodging for probably far too long. You'll feel better and you'll stop being that annoying person that sets off airport metal detectors.
disclaimer: satire is capable of inciting rebellious thoughts, take liberally.
this week: big dudes wear big shirts. I'm a medium.
Aries- When creating a proper moniker or nom de plume for yourself, it is best to find the middle ground between a name that sounds high falutin' so as to appeal to the elite who have more money than taste or humility; and the hoi polloi, the unwashed masses of the world who prefer a name that is easily accessible and usually misspelled like most hip hop names. You could use your real name I suppose, but how pedestrian, how faux-shizzle™. Now is the perfect time to make yourself bigger than you are. Keep in mind, however that T. Love Peacock has already been taken.
Taurus- Passionate memories seem to improve as "the wine in the bottle dwindles". Don't let the world's passion for declivity bring you down. I suggest doing something dangerous, like cliff diving or rattlesnake taunting. Unless you prefer vanilla, in which case I recommend going crazy with some cookies and milk, and maybe catch some episodes of Full House. Keep in mind, however that the multiverse loves bold moves and crazy stunts, especially if you fall and break your ass. Leap and the net will appear-- theoretically.
Gemini- Probosticate™ is a word I just made up that means to predict the future with your nose. And right now, the future smells like oncoming funky. In your future, I'm getting a whiff of butterscotch and salmon. Maybe asbestos and roofing tar. The point is that right around your next corner is some truly weird shit. I can smell it. Yet be not afeared of the impending shit. The nature of this shit is more like ice cream. And not shit flavored ice cream, but like chocolate chip salmon, or armpit broccoli. Your future is a weird miasma of Mmmm...interesting. Eat it and smile.
Cancer- When I was a kid, I loved the show Riptide-- typical 80's detective show, except they lived on a boat! When translated into german, Riptide became Trio Mit Vier Fausten, or Trio with Four Fists, I assume because there was two tough guys and one nerd, and nerds don't know how to make a fist. But we nerds know how to make a fist, it's just that we're smarter than that. Violence is a human foible, not one that is extant or indicative of the entire 'verse. Nerds love science, right? And all the 'verses are evolving towards love, right? So, stop fighting and join the rest of your family in the River.
Leo- Life is a sucker punch. Always upending your shit at the most inopportune moments, those moments when you're too focused on the downfall of intelligent civilization and the inherent and inescapable effects of gamma rays on man in the moon marigolds, not to mention whatever you ate for lunch is repeating on you like a syndicated sitcom. Life is indeed a box of chocolates and some of them may be filled with salmon. But don't fear the future, bite down with gusto into that chocolate covered salmon and chase it with some avocado brandy. Go big or go home, and there's no crying baseball, especially when my Cards are gonna take this shit home!
Virgo- Whether you call it solipsism or samsara, they require some pretty big assumptions that require unattainable proof and probably miss the point of the whole multiverse. But then again I'm no dualist. Or even a duelist for that matter. I am an empiricist, one however that attempts to remain in accord with the vast sea of knowledge that is simply beyond the current grasp of this semi-evolved, slightly taller than most single celled organisms man-ape. Order is an illusion. We're moving sand around on a cosmic beach. Have a beer and a crepe and pretend for five seconds that you don't know what you're talking about.
Libra- The mustache has been kidnapped, co-opted and hornswoggled, mostly by pop culture of the 1970's, and I believe unfairly so. I once grew a 'stache so powerful that it could read peoples' minds. This other guy I know, I think his name was Magnum, he grew a mustache that could stop time. I think he solved a lot of crimes that way. Charlie Chaplin's mustache had the power to attract women in their 20's. And of course... Burt Reynolds. Irregardless of sex, you should get a mustache and show us your macho. Everything I've ever learned I've learned from Cannonball Run... If you're gonna be a bear, BE A GRIZZLY!!
Scorpio- The saint-soldier combo is a heavy sword to hone. Although Henry V and Joan of Arc came awfully close. There's too many inherent conflicts of interest. Saints aren't supposed to be riding into battle and soldiers rarely have time for introspection. Killing people is a full time business. Turns out that saintliness also permits very little personal time, way hella praying. If you can find a way to cross pollenate your saints and soldiers into one cogent personality, then you could fight evil, merge with the divine, and maybe even stop getting ripped off by TicketMaster. However, beware the philosophically slippery slope that begins with believing in the phrase:
'I pray for everything I kill and I kill everything that I pray for.'
Sagittarius- The Spouse Approval Factor means that if your partner likes it, you may buy that stereo, that car, or that cell phone. This implies that whoever you are with has better taste than you do, so defer to their authority and do what you're told-- you're lucky to get anything at all. I assume that also means that if you're single and live alone that everything you've ever bought for your home is an ugly piece of crap. If only you'd factored in the cost of a style consultant when purchasing your last couch, then maybe your dreams wouldn't be haunted by art deco curtains, argyle underwear and neon tube tops. Grow a pair, and don't listen to anybody.
Capricorn- That staticky™ sound a record makes after it has played its last track for me evokes the late 1970's. A hundred years before that, if you wanted music, your only listening option was to hear it played live, by actual people. Ten thousand years before the late 1870's, things were even more limited. When you're in the middle of an ice age, you're probably playing music and dancing just to keep your extremities from freezing. Ten million years before the Holocene Epoch, the only music was the sound of all the 'verses breathing, evolving and trying to figure out a way to create a record player. Long journey to get to Sketches of Spain played on a hi-fi, but well worth the wait.
Aquarius- Can't usually implies won't. Conversely, yes usually means more, please and don't stop. And to make things more unclear, no does not always mean no. Sometimes it means yes please, but don't cross the line. Furthermore, you may not claim the divine right of kings to justify the hole you drilled through the wall into your neighbor's shower. You may, however, plead the fifth. Words and intentions are a quagmire of "half deserted streets that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent". Stop relying on them. Show me, don't tell me.
Pisces- While Teddy Roosevelt was campaigning in 1912, he was shot in the chest, the bullet going through a folded 50 page speech in his pocket and lodging in his torso. He then decided he was fine, and gave the 90 minute speech anyway. We get it, dude, you're a bull moose-- good for you. The bullet was more dangerous to remove so it stayed inside his chest for the rest of his life. But you're no Teddy Roosevelt. You're not even a bull moose, but consider removing all those bullets you've been lodging for probably far too long. You'll feel better and you'll stop being that annoying person that sets off airport metal detectors.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Dr. Pants McTurd's Eerily True Horror-scopes
disclaimer: in a less ironic world satire would be free, but Daddy likes to eat.
this week: all petards are not equal, but eventually we all get hoisted
Aries- Ahhhh, the benevolent sociopath. Seldom seen in nature, he/she is the most elusive of angelic vigilantes, cutting only those throats that deserve severing. Benevolent tyrants too, they're a another rare breed, someone to watch over us with a gentle gloved fist. And then there's autonomy, and all that free will nonsense, democracy and pursuit of either crappy or happy ness, and etc. Yet forsooth, bear in mind that these concepts are merely templates for your consciousness, providing a latticework for your fruitful mind. There lies truth in none of them.
Taurus- There are many ways to ruin a Barbie doll. The obvious choices being fire, or hot glue, or my personal favorite- a little homestyle C-4 made from old batteries and toothpaste. But let's think along lines skewed towards the psycho-social experiment, like back when Eddie Murphy made films for adults. Make the doll into a politician. Or a prostitute-- the fine line between those two, I'll save for a future rant. Or make her part of the janitorial staff that has to clean up after Barney concert where someone spiked the fruit punch with Jeager, and one of the guys in costume has a coronary from heat exhaustion from wearing those ridiculous suits under hot stage lights. My point is that your life is going pretty well, be thankful.
Gemini- According the "internet", the odds of dating a supermodel are 88,000 to 1. The odds of convincing your current lover to make a sex video together are more like 12 to 1. However, keep in mind that the chances of dying from ignition or melting of one's own pajamas is 30,589,556 to 1. There can be a lot of friction in there, so be sure to keep a fire extinguisher nearby when conducting your odds experiments. And to increase your chances even further, sleep naked and if you promise to never share those videos on any "internet", I will totally make a video with you.
Cancer- The Giant Pangolin is like a combination of an armadillo, anteater and a sloth. Just like the Ecuadorian Tube Lipped Nectar Bat, they have tongues that porn stars can only dream of, that can extend up to 40cm. They curl up into a ball if they're threatened, and they have well developed problem solving skills, primarily devoted to finding food. Ants and termites--- Yum! All that hiding, armor plating and insect sucking is great and all, but it's a bit aloof. The Great Pangolin Jamboree is coming up, so I suggest you start practicing your social skills. Even an armor plated trenggiling needs to party once in awhile. Have a beer, and try the brown ants-- they're suuuuper juicy.
Leo- Eggs benedict are not all traitorous by nature. Although one time I saw a group of them loitering near the nursing home where that crippled old cartel guy rang a bell and blew up the Chilean guy with Walter's homemade bomb. However, simply because of a few bad ova, it would be irresponsible to condemn all eggs. Also, however, I will not stop eating eggs benedict. I will also not stop singing death-to-Arnold chants every July 4th. May all your benedictions contain the seeds of liberation with a healthy helping of hollandaise and shots of really nice whiskey.
Virgo- If you're OCD, the phrase 'one more time' has a very special meaning. Repeating behavior is like a magic panacea that makes my brain feel like everything's okay. Even if you're not OCD, having endless 'one more times' sounds like a great idea. Just imagine-- one more first kiss, one more chocolate souffle from this little place I know on the Ile de St. Louis in Paris, one more drive up the coast on a perfect summer day, one more beer, or one more chance meeting with a long lost love. Of course being OCD, I also have to consider the down side: one more trip to the dentist, one more visit to the proctologist, one more drive up the hellscape of the 405. Good and evil are bullshit terms. Walk the middle path, and when you see Bhudda, tell him I'll be about 10 minutes late for the donuts, a ritual that we call Donuts and Deism-- makes him laugh like a 4 year old.
Libra- 85% of the time it works all the time. However, due to alleged big pharma malfeasance, 24% of the time you will be 85% closer to a nervous breakdown than you were 28% ago, so try to stay to this side of the 48% of the time that over 63% of people say they experience nausea or dizziness, and the 15% of people that experience dizzy gillespianism™. I predict that you will be 100% successful at least 45% of the time, and that is 78% true. You can take 93% of that to the proverbial bank! Good luck, and bring a change of pants.
Scorpio- One of my favorite terrible shows when I was a kid was Riptide, about two army buddies who run a detective agency on a boat, along with the help of a misanthropic computer geek and his orange robot. It ran three seasons. They also had a big pink helicopter and yet another super fast speed boat; and they would solve crimes, get chicks and have lots of laughs and friendship along the way. So far my life hasn't turned out like I planned-- no boat, no robot, no detective agency, and I've solved zero crimes. You, on the other hand, are kicking ass all over the marina. And btw nice chopper!
Sagittarius- I propose that we stop using the word retarded in general conversation when describing something inane or fubar. Insensitive labels are for beauty magazines and insensitive jerks with too much money and too little brains. Here's a brand new substitute word I just invented-- Petarded™, as in 'A dumbass who has been hoisted by his own petard'. You are an evolved beast that should lead the rest of us hoi polloi into the promised land of equanimity, acceptance and love. Don't blow yourself up with petarded words. Their cut is the deepest because they prey on our inherent weak spots and differences.
Capricorn- Whatever reputation your ass has acquired, I bet it's deserved. And yes, I'm speaking literally. Your ass-- is known for various reasons in various circles, and I'm sure even you have your own ass oriented opinion. Women in particular too often misrepresent their ass as imperfect in some way. Will it ever be good enough, baby? Quit riding your own ass and be proud of your badonkadonk and the junk that trunk's been holding. For now, start by writing a haiku dedicated to your smokin' assets, and then maybe get a tattoo of your ass on your ass. Imperfection is proof of the divine.
Aquarius- Who in their right mind would want to become a dentist? Or a proctologist? A job is a job, I guess, but really- buttholes and gum scraping, everyday when you show up at the office? What about meter maids or garbage pick up guys, or parking garage attendants? There are many jobs we Aquarii find odious and distasteful, but they are nonetheless an integral part of our society. Where would we be without waste removal or someone to watch over my prostate? Granted, we could probably do with less parking tickets, but my point is our world is multi layered and complex, and there is dignity in every job. We are the 99%, so remember to direct your anger towards proper channels and give your garbage man a tip once in awhile.
Pisces- I just wanted to let you know that you've won. You recycled the patina of my over eager pseudo intellectualism and turned it against me. We all get it-- nobody puts baby in a corner, you're free as a bird. There's no flies on you, and we're all in your rearview. I too relish my escape routes, they are the deepest and most meaningful part of my freedom. Unfortunately, escape rarely makes me happy, usually it only compounds my loneliness. Keep your eyes on the road, lest it curve back around and history repeat.
disclaimer: in a less ironic world satire would be free, but Daddy likes to eat.
this week: all petards are not equal, but eventually we all get hoisted
Aries- Ahhhh, the benevolent sociopath. Seldom seen in nature, he/she is the most elusive of angelic vigilantes, cutting only those throats that deserve severing. Benevolent tyrants too, they're a another rare breed, someone to watch over us with a gentle gloved fist. And then there's autonomy, and all that free will nonsense, democracy and pursuit of either crappy or happy ness, and etc. Yet forsooth, bear in mind that these concepts are merely templates for your consciousness, providing a latticework for your fruitful mind. There lies truth in none of them.
Taurus- There are many ways to ruin a Barbie doll. The obvious choices being fire, or hot glue, or my personal favorite- a little homestyle C-4 made from old batteries and toothpaste. But let's think along lines skewed towards the psycho-social experiment, like back when Eddie Murphy made films for adults. Make the doll into a politician. Or a prostitute-- the fine line between those two, I'll save for a future rant. Or make her part of the janitorial staff that has to clean up after Barney concert where someone spiked the fruit punch with Jeager, and one of the guys in costume has a coronary from heat exhaustion from wearing those ridiculous suits under hot stage lights. My point is that your life is going pretty well, be thankful.
Gemini- According the "internet", the odds of dating a supermodel are 88,000 to 1. The odds of convincing your current lover to make a sex video together are more like 12 to 1. However, keep in mind that the chances of dying from ignition or melting of one's own pajamas is 30,589,556 to 1. There can be a lot of friction in there, so be sure to keep a fire extinguisher nearby when conducting your odds experiments. And to increase your chances even further, sleep naked and if you promise to never share those videos on any "internet", I will totally make a video with you.
Cancer- The Giant Pangolin is like a combination of an armadillo, anteater and a sloth. Just like the Ecuadorian Tube Lipped Nectar Bat, they have tongues that porn stars can only dream of, that can extend up to 40cm. They curl up into a ball if they're threatened, and they have well developed problem solving skills, primarily devoted to finding food. Ants and termites--- Yum! All that hiding, armor plating and insect sucking is great and all, but it's a bit aloof. The Great Pangolin Jamboree is coming up, so I suggest you start practicing your social skills. Even an armor plated trenggiling needs to party once in awhile. Have a beer, and try the brown ants-- they're suuuuper juicy.
Leo- Eggs benedict are not all traitorous by nature. Although one time I saw a group of them loitering near the nursing home where that crippled old cartel guy rang a bell and blew up the Chilean guy with Walter's homemade bomb. However, simply because of a few bad ova, it would be irresponsible to condemn all eggs. Also, however, I will not stop eating eggs benedict. I will also not stop singing death-to-Arnold chants every July 4th. May all your benedictions contain the seeds of liberation with a healthy helping of hollandaise and shots of really nice whiskey.
Virgo- If you're OCD, the phrase 'one more time' has a very special meaning. Repeating behavior is like a magic panacea that makes my brain feel like everything's okay. Even if you're not OCD, having endless 'one more times' sounds like a great idea. Just imagine-- one more first kiss, one more chocolate souffle from this little place I know on the Ile de St. Louis in Paris, one more drive up the coast on a perfect summer day, one more beer, or one more chance meeting with a long lost love. Of course being OCD, I also have to consider the down side: one more trip to the dentist, one more visit to the proctologist, one more drive up the hellscape of the 405. Good and evil are bullshit terms. Walk the middle path, and when you see Bhudda, tell him I'll be about 10 minutes late for the donuts, a ritual that we call Donuts and Deism-- makes him laugh like a 4 year old.
Libra- 85% of the time it works all the time. However, due to alleged big pharma malfeasance, 24% of the time you will be 85% closer to a nervous breakdown than you were 28% ago, so try to stay to this side of the 48% of the time that over 63% of people say they experience nausea or dizziness, and the 15% of people that experience dizzy gillespianism™. I predict that you will be 100% successful at least 45% of the time, and that is 78% true. You can take 93% of that to the proverbial bank! Good luck, and bring a change of pants.
Scorpio- One of my favorite terrible shows when I was a kid was Riptide, about two army buddies who run a detective agency on a boat, along with the help of a misanthropic computer geek and his orange robot. It ran three seasons. They also had a big pink helicopter and yet another super fast speed boat; and they would solve crimes, get chicks and have lots of laughs and friendship along the way. So far my life hasn't turned out like I planned-- no boat, no robot, no detective agency, and I've solved zero crimes. You, on the other hand, are kicking ass all over the marina. And btw nice chopper!
Sagittarius- I propose that we stop using the word retarded in general conversation when describing something inane or fubar. Insensitive labels are for beauty magazines and insensitive jerks with too much money and too little brains. Here's a brand new substitute word I just invented-- Petarded™, as in 'A dumbass who has been hoisted by his own petard'. You are an evolved beast that should lead the rest of us hoi polloi into the promised land of equanimity, acceptance and love. Don't blow yourself up with petarded words. Their cut is the deepest because they prey on our inherent weak spots and differences.
Capricorn- Whatever reputation your ass has acquired, I bet it's deserved. And yes, I'm speaking literally. Your ass-- is known for various reasons in various circles, and I'm sure even you have your own ass oriented opinion. Women in particular too often misrepresent their ass as imperfect in some way. Will it ever be good enough, baby? Quit riding your own ass and be proud of your badonkadonk and the junk that trunk's been holding. For now, start by writing a haiku dedicated to your smokin' assets, and then maybe get a tattoo of your ass on your ass. Imperfection is proof of the divine.
Aquarius- Who in their right mind would want to become a dentist? Or a proctologist? A job is a job, I guess, but really- buttholes and gum scraping, everyday when you show up at the office? What about meter maids or garbage pick up guys, or parking garage attendants? There are many jobs we Aquarii find odious and distasteful, but they are nonetheless an integral part of our society. Where would we be without waste removal or someone to watch over my prostate? Granted, we could probably do with less parking tickets, but my point is our world is multi layered and complex, and there is dignity in every job. We are the 99%, so remember to direct your anger towards proper channels and give your garbage man a tip once in awhile.
Pisces- I just wanted to let you know that you've won. You recycled the patina of my over eager pseudo intellectualism and turned it against me. We all get it-- nobody puts baby in a corner, you're free as a bird. There's no flies on you, and we're all in your rearview. I too relish my escape routes, they are the deepest and most meaningful part of my freedom. Unfortunately, escape rarely makes me happy, usually it only compounds my loneliness. Keep your eyes on the road, lest it curve back around and history repeat.
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