Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes
disclaimer: Satire is inseparable from liberty.
this week: trust me, take the blue pill.
Aries- Never tie a string around a frog and expect it to teach you to salsa dance. While they are the most adept multi-taskers of the amphibian class, they are fickle. Frog bondage is unnecessary and it will only piss off the frog and your dancing will suffer. Tips for a happy {inner} frog: buy it some maggots, nice ones---I recommend Maggie's Maggots™, they add great flavor to any meal at a reasonable price!... Soon, your dancing skills will be Calaveras County good.
Taurus- If your life were a martini, shake it, chump,-- shake it till it brings home the bacon. Stirring is for narcoleptics without a library card. Let the snow repopulate that little globe in your mind with a surprise storm. This week only, being politely abrupt and sexily direct will produce indirect coolness and good times. If your cocktail is still boring, try garnishing it with an onion and it, voila!--it becomes a Gibson! This week, you could learn a lot from shaking your metaphors instead of mixing them.
Gemini- One of my personal heroes, Lenny Bruce, once said, "If I can't say fuck, then how can I say fuck the government?". Righteous, right? Unfetter your psyche and brilliant ideas that have never been thought before will flow from your brain and out of your mouth like Preparation H from a tube that's been too close to the heater. Tis the season for insurrection (and hurricanes); may all yours be peaceful ones.
Cancer- Eagles make love while plummeting toward the earth, their talons locked together, their passion lasting only as long as their physics. They separate only before they are about to hit the ground. Wow, I'm exhausted just writing about that. And sweaty. I'm not sure what my point is, kind of distracted for a-- oh, wait yes, very important. NEVER---ah crap--- Always, yes ALWAYS keep the door open for the angel of serendipity; there's plenty of time to spread your wings and save yourself.
Leo- All dreams are either about sex or death. I suggest that you have a dream about a group of intrepid baby ducks dressed in little sheriff uniforms, that patrol the west on a quest to right wrongs and serve justice. There's no way that could be about sex or death. They're sooooo cute! This week, stop thinking about how complicated life is, and go the way of the duck! Best part?- Ducks never wear pants!
Virgo- Newly discovered by scientists deep in the ocean, a creature called a 'pigbutt worm' resembles most closely a floating, disembodied buttocks. Don't believe me?--Google it. It feeds on 'marine snow', organic material sinking from the photic to the aphotic zones, recycling its energy and eventual rebirth in the ocean's oxygenless depths, most closely resembling our eternal journey through the Tao. I find it ironic that such a beautiful analogy is a poop eating worm that looks like a pig's butt. Meditate on that and get back to me. And happy birthday...
Libra- Śūnyatā is a Bhuddist concept that says that 'nothing' possesses an essential and enduring identity by virtue of independent origination. In physics, even a vacuum in 'empty' space contains fields of various energy signatures. Robert Oppenheimer said, "the soul is as empty as a bucket of negatively charged radioactive particle flow, inducted through a uranium nitrate thermal coil", or something close to that anyway. What's my point? OM. The creator breathes deep, a breath that takes eons. You would benefit to do likewise.
Scorpio- To save your wretched soul this week, you may require a potent, but kind nepenthe. My buddy Aldous, recommends soma. Personally, it makes me gassy and recalcitrant, but it will fill your head with pleasant thoughts and scare away the demons. But beware-- It may also make you yearn for naked dystopic freedom. Keep track of your pants.
Sagittarius- Try the bacon flavored vodka that you've thinking about, and then eat some pancakes while hanging naked up-side down, while a Bhuddist monk pours syrup on your feet. (Always good for a weird laugh btw...) Then, turn the sound on the tv down and play Tom Waits while you watch "A Touch of Evil" with Orson Welles, where Charlton Heston plays a Mexican for some reason. I'm not sure if any of these suggestions/mandates/fiats will help you in any way, but it couldn't hurt. Go out of your way to change your unnecessary and unhealthy habits.
Capricorn- My favorite part about a sunburn is the slow peel of burnt dead skin. I really dig molting, I'm "into" it. I think reptile skin has really come a long way since the early Mesozoic, am I right? Now, I'm not saying you should purposely stake yourself out naked on an ant hill on the hottest Santa Ana day in September, but I think you should go for it,-- molt away! Peel off that dead skin and do something cool with it. Tomorrow, you'll be brand new-- again.
Aquarius- Words are a vigorous and hearty transporter of yet undiscovered concepts. They are the rivers on which mercy flows, always reassuringly and eternally downstream. (Wow. Deep shite.) My point is that words only need so much twisting, deliberating and dicking around. They are the diplomacy of the heart, earnestly striving toward liberty and equality for all, no matter how agonizingly slow they drive in the fast lane, or how much you yearn for them to just kiss you and get it over with.
Pisces- If you slip a laxative into your doppelganger's drink in order to stop this 'omen of evil' from lacing your next drink with a ruffie, does that make you the evil twin all along? What does that say about living by a mutually accepted code of ethics, about the efficacy of the subatomic fabric of our existence! Or our the number of snozzberries in a----wait, why do I feel kinda woozy? Oh, crap-- ruffie...I was right all along, he was the evil twi-----zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
a weekly Horrorscope, appearing every Thursday...
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes
disclaimer: Good satire should piss off at least two people.
this week: Underwear is for people with no self control.
Aries- You have a lot of balls. In the air, that is, being clumsily juggled. Just an idea, but what if you tried finishing one thing before you leap to the next three. A person can only handle so many balls at one time, even an adept ball handler like yourself. What is the sound of one ball juggling? I don't know, but the only way out is through.
Taurus- Statistically, you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. I'm the last person to tell you to sober up, but I will tell you to stop hanging around entomologists. Anyone who studies bugs on purpose can't be trusted.
Gemini- The strangest word that has only one and a half syllables is fjord. When you put f and j together, the fabric of the multiverse is warped and distorted in a way that can allow an open mind to see glimpses of the future. Use fjord as your mantra, and you will be sailing the seas of cheese that have been haunting your dreams.
Cancer- I have seen the future; and yours involves bourbon balls, tickets to a really cool Monster Truck Rally, and the sweet smell of success. It should be a brilliant week for you, if you can manage to stay out of your own way. Have fun at the truck rally and buy a t-shirt for me.
Leo- Stop farting around and get down to business. The world is your oyster, but you have to go out, get in the ocean and pry it out of the rocks. Any oyster that walks right up to your door is a mussel in disguise. And he's probably selling something you don't want, like mussel relaxants. This week hunt oysters or at least go to a sushi place and eat something bizarre.
Virgo- If you have an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters, one of them will eventually write Hamlet. The problem is that typewriters are so 20th century; not to mention that with that many monkeys, poop will inevitably be flung. My advice: let just one monkey use your laptop at a time; and quit trying to write Hamlet, it's been done. Find your own voice.
Libra- A stitch in time saves nine. Nine of what, I have no idea. No one knows. It's also true that many a little makes a mickle. Mickle is Scottish for a lot of something. Bear in mind however, that the sagacity of Scottish wisdom is quite suspect considering that they are the inventors of golf. My advice this week: keep an eye out for the obscure.
Scorpio- You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. So stop trying. It is also impossible to lick your own ear. If you can lick your own ear, you should be in porn. This week, use your powerful tongue and Bhudda-like breath for healing words rather than fatuous feats of weirdness. Save that for next week when it will be much more appreciated.
Sagittarius- In Alabama it is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. Ironically, the only reason I would go to church is to inspire such laughter. Go out and buy a really cool fake mustache and wear it till everyone pees their pants. Or better yet, get a tattoo of a mustache on your finger so you amuse people anywhere, anytime. Your foolishness will be rewarded with praise from on high.
Capricorn- Contrary to popular lore, Thomas Crapper did not invent the flush toilet. He did, however, invent the ballcock. If you don't what a ballcock is, it's probably time you gave yours a thorough scrubbing. At the very least, rub it three times and whisper sweet nothings to it. The ballcock is your personal genie for the whole week.
Aquarius- From the sublime to the ridiculous is only one step. But there is no authority that says you have to take that step. The sublime, though rife with illogic, is a great place to hang out. And it's the only place to meet your desitiny. Let your mind go, and your body will follow.
Pisces- You should be kissed, often and preferably by someone who knows what they're doing. Stop avoiding that perfect person and just get on with it. Being sexually obtuse went out of fashion with the Lindy Hop and the Whig party. It's time to kiss or get off the pot.
disclaimer: Good satire should piss off at least two people.
this week: Underwear is for people with no self control.
Aries- You have a lot of balls. In the air, that is, being clumsily juggled. Just an idea, but what if you tried finishing one thing before you leap to the next three. A person can only handle so many balls at one time, even an adept ball handler like yourself. What is the sound of one ball juggling? I don't know, but the only way out is through.
Taurus- Statistically, you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. I'm the last person to tell you to sober up, but I will tell you to stop hanging around entomologists. Anyone who studies bugs on purpose can't be trusted.
Gemini- The strangest word that has only one and a half syllables is fjord. When you put f and j together, the fabric of the multiverse is warped and distorted in a way that can allow an open mind to see glimpses of the future. Use fjord as your mantra, and you will be sailing the seas of cheese that have been haunting your dreams.
Cancer- I have seen the future; and yours involves bourbon balls, tickets to a really cool Monster Truck Rally, and the sweet smell of success. It should be a brilliant week for you, if you can manage to stay out of your own way. Have fun at the truck rally and buy a t-shirt for me.
Leo- Stop farting around and get down to business. The world is your oyster, but you have to go out, get in the ocean and pry it out of the rocks. Any oyster that walks right up to your door is a mussel in disguise. And he's probably selling something you don't want, like mussel relaxants. This week hunt oysters or at least go to a sushi place and eat something bizarre.
Virgo- If you have an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters, one of them will eventually write Hamlet. The problem is that typewriters are so 20th century; not to mention that with that many monkeys, poop will inevitably be flung. My advice: let just one monkey use your laptop at a time; and quit trying to write Hamlet, it's been done. Find your own voice.
Libra- A stitch in time saves nine. Nine of what, I have no idea. No one knows. It's also true that many a little makes a mickle. Mickle is Scottish for a lot of something. Bear in mind however, that the sagacity of Scottish wisdom is quite suspect considering that they are the inventors of golf. My advice this week: keep an eye out for the obscure.
Scorpio- You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. So stop trying. It is also impossible to lick your own ear. If you can lick your own ear, you should be in porn. This week, use your powerful tongue and Bhudda-like breath for healing words rather than fatuous feats of weirdness. Save that for next week when it will be much more appreciated.
Sagittarius- In Alabama it is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. Ironically, the only reason I would go to church is to inspire such laughter. Go out and buy a really cool fake mustache and wear it till everyone pees their pants. Or better yet, get a tattoo of a mustache on your finger so you amuse people anywhere, anytime. Your foolishness will be rewarded with praise from on high.
Capricorn- Contrary to popular lore, Thomas Crapper did not invent the flush toilet. He did, however, invent the ballcock. If you don't what a ballcock is, it's probably time you gave yours a thorough scrubbing. At the very least, rub it three times and whisper sweet nothings to it. The ballcock is your personal genie for the whole week.
Aquarius- From the sublime to the ridiculous is only one step. But there is no authority that says you have to take that step. The sublime, though rife with illogic, is a great place to hang out. And it's the only place to meet your desitiny. Let your mind go, and your body will follow.
Pisces- You should be kissed, often and preferably by someone who knows what they're doing. Stop avoiding that perfect person and just get on with it. Being sexually obtuse went out of fashion with the Lindy Hop and the Whig party. It's time to kiss or get off the pot.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes
disclaimer: Satire is only painful if you fear needlessly.
this week: if your pants are on fire, stop lying.
Aries- Necessary evils are stupid. Stop indulging them. Opt instead for necessary good deeds, loving thoughts, and help some old ladies across the street. Whatever created this multiverse loves it when we help each other.
Taurus- If you were a penguin juggler, I would offer you the following (free!) advice: Repetition is the most sincere form of flatulence. It's a real truism. What I'm saying is, that you only have to keep juggling those penguins until they fall asleep. Use this time wisely and formulate your next move.
Gemini- You are a superhero. I don't know what your power is, but it's probably something to do with being able to communicate with salmon, or maybe eat chicken really fast. Maybe you poop kittens, or maybe you drive a Prius. Whatever it is--- it's time to whip it out and save the day. Or least the afternoon in time for happy hour.
Cancer- Faith, were it unshakable, would be... well actually pretty good, I guess. Ignorance is bliss? Knowledge is power? But then again, time is money. And hey, pretty mamma, make with my bacon. The point is that, things may get weird over the next week. But sit tight. The alien invaders with the pincers and the space weapons only want to be friends, I think.
Leo- I want to tell you that everything is great, and that it only gets better from here. I want to tell you that the level of awesome, punctual, and dead sexy that you are right now, can only be eclipsed by the next moment in time where you will double it. I want to tell you that the future does not resemble, in even the slightest bit, a zombie apocalypse. So,... I will.
Virgo- They did the math. There are more people alive right now, as you're reading this, than have ever lived. Ever. I'm not sure if that says more about us, or about math, or how cruel evolution can be, when all I wanted was one more thumb, dammit!! Either way, get out of your head,
what-- you think you're Einstein?
Libra- Did you know that a theodolite is a surveying instrument, consisting of a small "mounted" telescope, used to measure various angles? See, there's all kinds of shit you didn't know. Luckily, none of that shit matters. Like that 70's sitcom with the single lady and the creepily likable mustache guy, it's one day at a time. So relax and have a mint julep.
Scorpio- Orson Welles is credited with the following, which I propose you use as your business model: "I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.". As if you have a problem indulging yourself. Don't drink all the Kool-aid and don't start the saturnalia till I get there. Sans hyperbole, this will be the greatest weekend of your entire life.
Sagittarius- Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. But I don't think it's peanut butter that's preventing you from speaking your peace. And it's not like you to hold things in. Whatever is lodged in between your brain and your mouth, stop jamming it in there and open the floodgates.
Capricorn- According to "sources" on the "internet", zemmiphobia is the fear of the great mole rat. Yep, fer reals. He may be the leader of a powerful underground race of big ugly albino rodents who have the ability to control our thoughts and an unquenchable thirst for domination of the planet, but if you stop being afraid and buy him a mojito, everything will be jake.
Aquarius- Floccinaucinihilipilification is a real deal. It means the act or habit of describing or regarding something as unimportant. Or at least it does to some overly clever jerks from Eton who created it. This week I advise you not to be a floccinaucinihilipilificationer. What you gloss over may be important.
Pisces- Sesquipedaliphobia is the fear of everything. And i assume the fear of the word sesquipedaliphobia is sesquipedaliphobiaphobia. My point is that sometimes you just can't judge a book by its cover, or a word by its connotative effect. This week, try not mixing your metaphors. Be direct and craft your word usements in a wily fashion.
disclaimer: Satire is only painful if you fear needlessly.
this week: if your pants are on fire, stop lying.
Aries- Necessary evils are stupid. Stop indulging them. Opt instead for necessary good deeds, loving thoughts, and help some old ladies across the street. Whatever created this multiverse loves it when we help each other.
Taurus- If you were a penguin juggler, I would offer you the following (free!) advice: Repetition is the most sincere form of flatulence. It's a real truism. What I'm saying is, that you only have to keep juggling those penguins until they fall asleep. Use this time wisely and formulate your next move.
Gemini- You are a superhero. I don't know what your power is, but it's probably something to do with being able to communicate with salmon, or maybe eat chicken really fast. Maybe you poop kittens, or maybe you drive a Prius. Whatever it is--- it's time to whip it out and save the day. Or least the afternoon in time for happy hour.
Cancer- Faith, were it unshakable, would be... well actually pretty good, I guess. Ignorance is bliss? Knowledge is power? But then again, time is money. And hey, pretty mamma, make with my bacon. The point is that, things may get weird over the next week. But sit tight. The alien invaders with the pincers and the space weapons only want to be friends, I think.
Leo- I want to tell you that everything is great, and that it only gets better from here. I want to tell you that the level of awesome, punctual, and dead sexy that you are right now, can only be eclipsed by the next moment in time where you will double it. I want to tell you that the future does not resemble, in even the slightest bit, a zombie apocalypse. So,... I will.
Virgo- They did the math. There are more people alive right now, as you're reading this, than have ever lived. Ever. I'm not sure if that says more about us, or about math, or how cruel evolution can be, when all I wanted was one more thumb, dammit!! Either way, get out of your head,
what-- you think you're Einstein?
Libra- Did you know that a theodolite is a surveying instrument, consisting of a small "mounted" telescope, used to measure various angles? See, there's all kinds of shit you didn't know. Luckily, none of that shit matters. Like that 70's sitcom with the single lady and the creepily likable mustache guy, it's one day at a time. So relax and have a mint julep.
Scorpio- Orson Welles is credited with the following, which I propose you use as your business model: "I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.". As if you have a problem indulging yourself. Don't drink all the Kool-aid and don't start the saturnalia till I get there. Sans hyperbole, this will be the greatest weekend of your entire life.
Sagittarius- Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. But I don't think it's peanut butter that's preventing you from speaking your peace. And it's not like you to hold things in. Whatever is lodged in between your brain and your mouth, stop jamming it in there and open the floodgates.
Capricorn- According to "sources" on the "internet", zemmiphobia is the fear of the great mole rat. Yep, fer reals. He may be the leader of a powerful underground race of big ugly albino rodents who have the ability to control our thoughts and an unquenchable thirst for domination of the planet, but if you stop being afraid and buy him a mojito, everything will be jake.
Aquarius- Floccinaucinihilipilification is a real deal. It means the act or habit of describing or regarding something as unimportant. Or at least it does to some overly clever jerks from Eton who created it. This week I advise you not to be a floccinaucinihilipilificationer. What you gloss over may be important.
Pisces- Sesquipedaliphobia is the fear of everything. And i assume the fear of the word sesquipedaliphobia is sesquipedaliphobiaphobia. My point is that sometimes you just can't judge a book by its cover, or a word by its connotative effect. This week, try not mixing your metaphors. Be direct and craft your word usements in a wily fashion.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horrorscopes Week 1
Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes
this week's disclaimer: satire is both genetic and nurtured, and like La Belle Dame --sans mercy.
this week's theme: everyone wants to rule the world, but I actually do--
Aries- Something stinks. I'm not saying it's you, but something that smells like a dead fish wrapped in yesterday's bacon is following you around. Check your pants, then buy new ones, preferably ones that are both plaid and courduroy. No one will be the wiser.
Taurus- Your degenerate proclivities that usually result in calamitous consequences will precede your downfall, unless you listen very carefully to the following antidote and follow these exact steps precisely, or else---aaaaaaaaaaggghhhhhhh....milk was a bad choice...good luck...
Gemini- One of the sweetest things you can do for someone you care about, is to bring them a nice piece of fruit. I learned that from Godfather part II. Find someone you like and bring them a nice ripe pear. Personally, I like white peaches when they're in season, but this isn't about me. It's about your desires bearing fruit.
Cancer- Your eyes must be fed. They are the stomach of the brain. I guess a cow's stomach because of the 4 chambers. Anyway...As quick as you can, find whatever it is that your eyes consider to be beautiful and meditate upon that for as many minutes as your age-- times 2. For example: 30yrs.=60min. Then eat some cabbage. Trust me.
Leo- If you're reading this, congratulations. You're another year older this time of year, and you can still read the printed word. Good show! And, those pants you're wearing really show off your butt in a way that should entice people to follow you to whatever dastardly ends you have planned.
Happy Birthday, you smoking hot piece of meat, you.
Virgo- The high pitched whirrr of a dentist's drill is exactly what you need to get your obsessive mind off your current fixation. Brain curdling oral pain always clears my mind of its inevitable decay. Breathe deep the gathering gloom and exhale it back to the multiverse with the conviction of a truly free person. You will be joyously rewarded and your recycling expertise will be unparalleled.
Libra- Whichever side, right or left, is your dominant half, put it to sleep for at least 48 hours. Then wake up the other side, and give it the keys to the erotic bakery trapped inside your torso. Let someone else in your psyche take charge for awhile. Maybe you won't keep stepping in the same pile of dog poop. You may also find what you think you lost.
Scorpio- Go find something to do. You don't have to get in peoples' way to tell them you love them. Nor, must you call the cable company, pretending to be them, subscribe to all the porn channels, and then call them and pretend to award them a free movie package that their kids will really love. Any mischief you feel like making, should be self contained.
Sagittarius- I don't know what you're selling, but I really dig your infomercial. I caught it on late night cable. I have no idea what you're really selling, but then again, I doubt you do either. Maybe you should find that out first before talking to investors. That way, you can ask for exactly what you really desire.
Capricorn- Getting older sucks. So, don't do it. Grab a six-pack, find a toy store, and get yourself a BigWheel. Then pedal off on the weirdest journey that you never imagined being possible. Then when you have a second, find a nice card and write me a thank you note for reminding you that it if you always make it about 'the race', then you'll spend all your time running.
Aquarius- Right about this time of year is about 6 months to our birthday(s). You don't have to party it up, down, sideways, frontways, crossways, backwardsways, snozzways, US Airways, or any way, if you prefer nihilism. But a party would really do you good. Define 'party' any way you like, grab your favorite party socks, and head for flavor country.
Pisces- Consider for a moment, the concept of 'guaranteed acceptance', the implication of which is that you could wish for anything,---dramatically needed life changes for example,... or maybe maybe how to turn water into chocolate... and it would be granted immediately. Fate does not preclude inner peace, only you do.
this week's disclaimer: satire is both genetic and nurtured, and like La Belle Dame --sans mercy.
this week's theme: everyone wants to rule the world, but I actually do--
Aries- Something stinks. I'm not saying it's you, but something that smells like a dead fish wrapped in yesterday's bacon is following you around. Check your pants, then buy new ones, preferably ones that are both plaid and courduroy. No one will be the wiser.
Taurus- Your degenerate proclivities that usually result in calamitous consequences will precede your downfall, unless you listen very carefully to the following antidote and follow these exact steps precisely, or else---aaaaaaaaaaggghhhhhhh....milk was a bad choice...good luck...
Gemini- One of the sweetest things you can do for someone you care about, is to bring them a nice piece of fruit. I learned that from Godfather part II. Find someone you like and bring them a nice ripe pear. Personally, I like white peaches when they're in season, but this isn't about me. It's about your desires bearing fruit.
Cancer- Your eyes must be fed. They are the stomach of the brain. I guess a cow's stomach because of the 4 chambers. Anyway...As quick as you can, find whatever it is that your eyes consider to be beautiful and meditate upon that for as many minutes as your age-- times 2. For example: 30yrs.=60min. Then eat some cabbage. Trust me.
Leo- If you're reading this, congratulations. You're another year older this time of year, and you can still read the printed word. Good show! And, those pants you're wearing really show off your butt in a way that should entice people to follow you to whatever dastardly ends you have planned.
Happy Birthday, you smoking hot piece of meat, you.
Virgo- The high pitched whirrr of a dentist's drill is exactly what you need to get your obsessive mind off your current fixation. Brain curdling oral pain always clears my mind of its inevitable decay. Breathe deep the gathering gloom and exhale it back to the multiverse with the conviction of a truly free person. You will be joyously rewarded and your recycling expertise will be unparalleled.
Libra- Whichever side, right or left, is your dominant half, put it to sleep for at least 48 hours. Then wake up the other side, and give it the keys to the erotic bakery trapped inside your torso. Let someone else in your psyche take charge for awhile. Maybe you won't keep stepping in the same pile of dog poop. You may also find what you think you lost.
Scorpio- Go find something to do. You don't have to get in peoples' way to tell them you love them. Nor, must you call the cable company, pretending to be them, subscribe to all the porn channels, and then call them and pretend to award them a free movie package that their kids will really love. Any mischief you feel like making, should be self contained.
Sagittarius- I don't know what you're selling, but I really dig your infomercial. I caught it on late night cable. I have no idea what you're really selling, but then again, I doubt you do either. Maybe you should find that out first before talking to investors. That way, you can ask for exactly what you really desire.
Capricorn- Getting older sucks. So, don't do it. Grab a six-pack, find a toy store, and get yourself a BigWheel. Then pedal off on the weirdest journey that you never imagined being possible. Then when you have a second, find a nice card and write me a thank you note for reminding you that it if you always make it about 'the race', then you'll spend all your time running.
Aquarius- Right about this time of year is about 6 months to our birthday(s). You don't have to party it up, down, sideways, frontways, crossways, backwardsways, snozzways, US Airways, or any way, if you prefer nihilism. But a party would really do you good. Define 'party' any way you like, grab your favorite party socks, and head for flavor country.
Pisces- Consider for a moment, the concept of 'guaranteed acceptance', the implication of which is that you could wish for anything,---dramatically needed life changes for example,... or maybe maybe how to turn water into chocolate... and it would be granted immediately. Fate does not preclude inner peace, only you do.
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