Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Future-Scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –We just hit equinox and new moon in Libra, which means She rises early in the morning and sets by dark, so we’re without her scaly light of justice & equanimity, albeit briefly. Our Moon rises about 50 minutes later each day btw—it’s math and it’s boring, but in two weeks is a full moon—in Aries btw, six months after the last equinox, beginning of Aries Sun times btw—each sign only gets one full moon per year, again it’s math—and as we build energy from the recent new moon to the full on the 8^th, She goes thru the six signs between Libra and you, half the zodiac, culm- and ful-minating to Aries energy. These two weeks should be right up your wheelhouse, leaving the Dr Pants with no choice but to advise all Aries to imagine all things you’d all love to see, embrace, entertain, embiggen, and endow as if they were easy targets and eager participants in what’s ostensibly all your show. (Also, perchance lay eyes on the Aquarius ‘scope below) 

♉ Taurus –Approaching a Mercury retrograde (Oct 4^th btw, for three weeks), many astrologers advise caution with documents, business, plane tickets, whatever stuff can and will likely go wrong according to Hoyle or Murphy. That said, the Dr Pants is a futurist & astronomer, so quick primer re the current astronomical skies: Mercury, formerly Hermes if you prefer Greek, aka the intercessor between mortals and the divine, and conductor of souls into the afterlife—yeah that guy, he moves into Scorpio on the 27^th, then goes retro, then goes back into Libra, then comes back into Scorpio in full later on in October. Scorp btw is your astro equal and opposite and often drunken bedmate, and this Scorp-Merc wackiness might find you repeating history, either for good, really good or too intense to repeat—that’s for you to decide.

♊ Gemini –The zodiac and all the signs are perhaps better imagined of as the path of the Sun across our ecliptic from our earthly pov, and as it moves thru the different symbols, animals, theories and elements She takes on the characteristics of those signs, which are also attuned and designed to follow the seasons here on Earth, which makes survival a tad easier, if us mere monkeys can predict the rainy season, or west winds that can carry us ‘cross seas to new fortunes and futures, hopefully inducing way more feasting and merry love making, preferably amid new jungles of thought, antiquity and frolicking peace. Currently, we just hit equinox and new moon in Libra—fellow air sign and prescriptor of a fairness first approach, and there’s some up and incoming Mercury retro issues, but till Oct anyhoo, breathe easy, which you should be adept at, and enjoy our late summer sun.  

♋ Cancer –Sure, we just hit equinox and a Cancer friendly Libra new moon—the Libran scales btw are a celestial shout out to Astraea, daughter of Zeus, personified by purity, innocence and justice—the same daughter of Zeus horrified at mankind’s rampant impurities and outright evils causing her to take to the stars—but the big news comes from your elder water sign, the Scorpion—sent to kill Orion btw—bow and arrow, very weird—and more specifically Mercury, aka Hermes, emissary of the gods, intercessor between mortals and the divine, and conductor of souls into the afterlife—yeah, that guy—he moves into Scorpio, then goes retrograde back into Libra, then gains speed and goes back into Scorp for a revisitation, a full revival meeting and most likely another round or six of drinks. Oct should be a wet and wild time. For now tho, enjoy the calm and comfoting seas of late soggy summer swells. Easy stars til Oct bears strange fruit.

♌ Leo –Great time to be a Leo—as always, am I right? Or am I right? We just hit equinox, momentary celestial balance and all that shite, as well as a new Moon in Libra, which foretells of a full moon in Aries in two weeks—a fellow fire sign, and the one with the most penetrable boundaries—fuck it, let’s start this fire! Cause why not, who else is gonna start it? Okay, maybe a Leo, yes you’re quick to light the match to any deserving tinder, especially if the ensuing chemical reaction is transformation, transmutation, trigonometry and a brand new way to get down that’s never before been envisioned. Quick posit: in order to remain top o’ the food chain, lions employ fleet footed imagination as a survival tactic——Big sky doin’s a-comin’ up in Oct, and your leonine imaginative insight will be needed asap and pronto. Meantime, let your mind go and everybody’s body will follow.

♍ Virgo – Be not worried yet wary, and know that the incoming staircases can be treacherous, so maybe stay close to the candles: 1) We’re now less than 2 weeks out from a full moon in Aries on the 8^th. 2) From our earthly pov Mercury and Scorpius will be doing some very odd dancing with no pants, as well as no apparent center of gravity or memory of recent events. October might feel backwards, forwards, upside down, inside out and downright funktastic, including bizarre reverse decisions and a return to paganism—all of which could hella go down before Halloween even gets here. 3) Pick your costume early, cause you’ll probably change your mind mid month, and most importantly, 4) rest easy til Oct, it’s summer and the livin’s still easy and reminiscent of hot dirty virginal Virgo Sun times. Til next month, the Dr Pants officially endorses Virgo chill time.

♎ Libra –Before we get on to your continued birthday times and naked sexy parties, quick primer on why the beginning of Libra Sun starts with the equinox—one of two times per year that the Earth has zero tilt, and we get equal parts day and night, light and dark on every part of the Earth: 1) libra, from latin and still used in mexican Spanish, is a unit of weight, 2) more scaly talk: your scales are cosmically upheld by the constellation Astraea, daughter of Zeus, personified by purity, innocence and justice, 2.5) the Dr Pants in no way implies your chastity should be comparable, and 3) Astraea fled mankind, after a barbarous Age of Iron a millenia and a half ago. 4): your equal and opposite and often bedmated sign is Aries—who also holds the equinox at his gate. Stuff to ponder—but cram it, Professor Pants! It’s your birthday, and hatches have been battened, so party on heartily, Wayne. Have all the cake and it too—all you touch and all you feel is sexual gold.

♏ Scorpio –More wacky, wet & wild celestial happenings: on the 27^th, Mercury—emissary of the gods, intercessor between mortals and the divine, and conductor of souls into the afterlife—yeah, that guy, aka Hermes, moves into Scorpio territory, which should be a hell of a ride all on its own, but not to let us down too easy, on the 4^th Mercury goes all retro, appearing to move backwards in the sky, which the little bastard does three times a year, and then on the 10^th, Merc goes back into Libra, and then back into Scorp later in Oct as it slips in for a full revisitation, revival meetings and most likely another round of drinks to celebrate the big waves of Scorp-Merc energy that in late Oct should have us all atwitter and atweet. There might be a method to your type of madness, so help us all thru the transistions, as is your usual purview, bailiwick and raison d'etre. Transistion, transmutation and titillation are approaching en masse and in waves, Captain.

♐ Sagittarius –The constellation Orion is based on this Greek, nee Babylonian dude, endowed with the greatest hunting skills pretty much ever—didn’t earn him a lot of points with eco concerned gods btw, so eventually they fixed him into the sky where he could only chase and never catch, and therefore never kill. That said, the Pleiades are a group of stars named for seven sisters, all daughters of the great Atlas, and before their induction into the heavens hall of fame, they often took the form of doves to escape such Orionic would be killers. That said, every Oct from an earthly pov, the seven sisters take flight from Orion and can be seen setting in the west, about to plunge into the misty unknown deeps, also btw a good time to dock your boat and get back to the land, it’s nigh winter in the nothern hemi, and Sag has mucho work to do—fire, redesign, then rebirth.

♑ Capricorn –Here’s some of the facts from our earthly pov: 1) on the 27^th, Mercury, emissary of the gods, intercessor between mortals and the divine, and conductor of souls into the afterlife—yeah, that guy, moves into the constellation Scorpius—the unkillable scorpion sent to kill Orion, the universe’s greatest hunter, 2) On the 4^th, the planet Merc will appear to moves backwards in our sky, retracing a path it’s already taken, 3) On the 10^th, it backtracks further into Libra where it’s also already been, 3) Then by Oct’s end Merc will appear forward once again in our sky and go back into Scorp, which it’s doing on the 4^th …again. 4) Time travel, wtf?? October may seem like cosmic hiccups, but the beauty is in the pov of the eyes of the beholder who differentiates between waves.  

Aquarius ♒ -Depending on your personal particular flavor of Aquarius vibe, now may be a celestial time of telecopes and lenses and seeing things askew and askance from normal purview. Check this shite: Mercury, aka Hermes, aka emissary of the gods, intercessor between mortals and the divine, and conductor of souls into the afterlife—yeah, that guy—he moves into constellular Scorpius on the 27^th, then goes retro on the 4^th, then goes back into Libra on the 10^th, then later after a drunken binge couple of weeks, goes back into Scorpio—interlocutor of the afterlife and all things sub rosa and sub conscious. Meantime, the Moon and Sun are rife with Libra and Aries fire and air, and hopefully the creation of a peaceful hegemony, a benevolent tyrant, who can cool the warming earthly climes and bring us together as one species, one tribe, one anything as long as it’s at least temporarily undivided, like love, like unabashed intersecting naked sexy times. For now, be a bonobo, surf these waves and consider the sheer breadth and depth of the endless cosmic ocean.

♓ Pisces –As always there’s more cool actual astronomy going on that may have symbolical bearing on your privates and personals, but it’s science and it’s boring, and let’s get to the next party, here’s the scene: it’s an end of summer beach party, bbq, sand fleas, unanticipated cloudy weather and a genuine wish for a return to spring, or a trip south of the equator where they’re celebrating the first of spring as we speak, and then—you’re alone on the beach, somehow it’s sunrise and you see something wash up on shore straight ahead, something bulky and covered in kelp, you race up to it, pulse pounding—is it treasure? A dead body? A briefcase filled with nearer bonds carefully wrapped in plastic as if the last owner knew of it’s destiny, which now you must decide both its and your fates—or you could take it, stow it somewhere quiet for awhile and see what else the sea may bring to your unfortunately land bound feet. Your call.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –This week’s cool celestial story brought to you by the constellation Orion, who before he was placed forever into the heavens, was the greatest of hunters, til he got all uppity and vowed to kill all the animals, and Mamma Gaia said nope, not gonna happen, so she dispatches a giant scorpion to kill Orion. So, the constellations Orion and Scorpius were placed at opposite sides of the sky, so that the battle could go on forever, because as one sets, the other rises—eternally. Now, onto this week’s cool celestial events, brought to you by Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious, who comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—nuclear furnance, could kill us at any moment—he moves into Libra—same day btw, and—equinox! Point is, is watch for a sea change—the big ones you never see coming.

♉ Taurus –Scorpius—your celestial astro opposite and often horny equal—was a giant scorpion dispatched by Mamma Gaia to kill Orion—the greatest hunter the universe had ever known—and so this story goes that both Scorpius and Orion were placed in opposite parts of the sky, ensuring that the chase would go on forever—for as one constellation sets, the other rises, never to share the same sky—never. This week, the celestial fun is all on the 22^nd when Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious, comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—big ass gas bag, moves into Libra, and then—equinox! Equal day for night and light for dark. In and around Monday, keep eyes out for a sea change—the deep waves you never see coming, and maybe wax up your board—waves should be tight.   

♊ Gemini –So, the constellation Scorpius is a giant Scorpion that was sent to kill the great hunter Orion by Mamma Gaia, and so this story goes that their forms were placed in the sky so that the chase could last an eternity—for they’re at opposite sides of the sky—as one constellation rises, the other sets. The greatest hunter never has to face the unkillable Scorpius. Opposites, eternities—these things are of a Gemininian bent...Geminiaian—you twins make it so difficult. Point is, is that in and around Monday the 22^nd may get a bit deep, like the swells of an ocean about to undergo a sea change. Pluto, the gatekeeper to our subconscious comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—big ass gas bag, moves into Libra, and then—equinox! Equal night for day, light for dark, and good for evil—twins, opposites and equals. Keep eyes for a sea change, big swells, the subconscious surf is way, way up.

♋ Cancer -In and around Monday the 22^nd may get a bit tweaky, but first a quick primer on Pluto—no, not Mickey’s dog but rather the dwarf planet usually out past Neptune: 1) it goes ‘round the Sun once every 248 Earth years, and behind it currently is the constellation Capricorn until 2023. 2) it’s orbit is very strange—on a regular basis, Pluto actually gets closer to the Sun than Neptune, possibly crashing into it in a billion years or so—fingers crossed! 3) on Monday Pluto, the alleged king of the subconscious realms comes out of retrograde and will seem to be moving forward in the sky once again. 4) also as of the 22^nd, behind our sun will be the constellation Libra the libertine librarian, after probably too much party time in Virgo the slutty virgin. Same day, big shifts—might last all week, always know where your pants are, and keep an eye out for a sea change.

♌ Leo –The constellations aren’t really a lions or fish goats (as discussed below in Cap), but rather that’s what stories we’ve ascribed to the skies after eons of watching them parade above us in predictable procession. These celestial stories are as old as cave art. In meandering point of fact, this Monday the 22^nd brings us some massive endothermic shifts: Pluto—wacked out frozen ice ball with an eccentric orbital pattern—comes out of retrograde and will appear to move forward in the sky once again. Also—same day—the Sun—massive nuclear furnace that could kill us all at any moment, moves into the constellation Libra, sweet sweet air that will ease us into the continued procession of Scorpio and Sag, Cap and etc. The skies are the story of us, and on Mon, the story might get weird, and it might last all week long. Keep your leonine eyes peeled for a sea change. 

♍ Virgo – Unlike the Asian and European horse, the North American horse died out millions of years ago, so that by the time Asiatic early humans crossed a land bridge or an ocean to arrive in the Americas, there were no horses, ultimately leaving them vulnerable once the Western world discovered Aztec gold and Colorado silver. Humans have always used the horse to their advantage, as a tool, or a weapon. This rambling prose was meant to distract you from the end of Virgo Sun and birthday times for you, the slutty Virgin Virgo. As of the the 22^nd, not only does the Sun move into Libra, but Pluto comes out of retrograde and moves normally in the sky once again, it’s actually your cup of tea—the gatekeeper for the unconscious goes forward and our landlord the Sun takes air as a preference. Oddly enough these forces may create a sea change, so keep eyes alert about ship. The big waves, you never see coming.

♎ Libra –Oh shite. It’s time. In and around Monday the 22^nd, make sure you have pants on, because in one day: Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious, comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—nuclear furnace that could kill us all at any minute, moves into Libra. But wait, what? Yes, onto you! And birthday times—Congrats! Quite a beginning with the Pluto thing, but still. So keep an eye for an incoming sea change, but this one’s in your favor, your honor and hopefully your pants, which the Dr Pants has already reminded you about. Next week we’ll talk equinox and why it begins your sign, but for now, make some party plans, for tis a wild & wooly month, astrologically speaking, but all the cake and all the booze is all for you. Happy birthday times you marvelous gorgeous bastard. For you only—all lights are green.

♏ Scorpio –The heart of the constellation Scorpius is the star we call Antares, and the constellation right next door is Sagittarius, a half human, half horse whose arrow is perfectly aimed directly at—Antares, the scorpion’s heart, ready to fire if ever need be. And so one story goes that Orion the great hunter waged war against all the animals, and Gaia, mother of all of Earth dispatched an unkillable Scorpion to kill him, which it did, and the two were placed in the heavens—on opposite sides btw, so that the chase will never end, for as one constellation sets, the other rises, everyday forever emblazoned across the sky. Neat story, but nothing to do with yours. Currently in and around Monday the 22^nd Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious comes out of retrograde, and the Sun— massive nuclear furnace that could kill us all at any moment, moves into Libra, and then, equinox! Big energy shifts in one day, keep your eyes to the seas, for they may change quietly & quickly all week long.

♐ Sagittarius –The constellation Sagittarius has been imagined over centuries as a celestial centaur, in action aiming an arrow at the heart of the constellation Scorpio, a star we’ve named Antares. Quick Greek story short: Orion the greatest hunter ever apparently was gonna kill all the animals and Mamma Gaia said, I don’t think so, baby, and so she dispatched a giant scorpion to kill Orion, and their story is now in the heavens, for as one constellation rises, the other sets and the chase is on eternally. Anyhoo, Chiron, aka Sagittarius, a wiser and less frat boy version of the average centaur, is always aiming his arrow at the Scorpion’s heart—the star we named Antares. The story of the sky is perhaps a jungian uranian mirror to our paths, and on the 22^nd two major shifts occur—Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—massive nuclear furnace that could kill us all any time, he moves into Libra, and then—equinox! Keep an eye for a celestial sea change and another level to your current saga.    

♑ Capricorn –The Dr Pants doesn’t intend to blow your mind, but it may happen shortly, so maybe grab a tissue before reading on. Okay, so you’ve always thought the constellation Capricornus was an earthy goat, right, and it is sorta—actually, since the late Bronze Age, our ancestors thought of the constellation Cap as half goat and half fish, making you the goat fish of the cosmic sea. Perhaps because, in the northern hemi anyhoo, Capricornio sun times are during wet winter seasons, so that whole area of the sky is seen as water all the way thru Aquarius to Pisces. The Dr Pants’s tangential point is, is that currently behind Pluto, gatekeeper to our subconscious, is the constellation Cap until 2023, and on this Mon the 22^nd, it comes out of retrograde and appears to move forward in our sky once again. Also on Mon, the Sun moves into Libra, after devirginizing the Virgo. Massive yet subtle shifts may resonate all week long. Grab hold of your favorite something, and watch for a sea change, you weird and sexy goat fish.

Aquarius ♒ -Like the Dr Pants was telling the ol’ Capricornio in the paragraph above, since the late Bronze Age our ancestors have thought of the earthy goat as actually being half fish, making him the sea goat, probably because Jan, Feb and March are generally wet & wintery—in the northern hemi anyhoo—and that whole area of the sky can be imagined as all water—a great celestial ocean that leads all the way thru Pisces. We of the Aquarii are known as the water bearers, but the water we pour from our celestial jug is actually full of stars, at least 20 of them, spilling out into the wider extro-uterine sea of endless stars that far outnumber all the grains of sand on all the beaches of Earth. This week, big sky doins, mostly in and around the 22^nd—Pluto moves out of retro, and the Sun moves into Libra within hours of each other. Watch for waves and maybe a sea change. Subconscious surf is way, way up.   

♓ Pisces –The Dr Pants could tell you about the upcoming celestial events that he thinks are cool, if not momentous, even tho they are both: like Pluto—gatekeeper to our subconscious comes out of retrograde, and the Sun—nuclear furnace that could kill us all all any time, moves into Libra, and then—equinox! But that’s all just math and boring crapola. Tell me a new story! And preferably one that will entertain and animate metaphorically the amazing magic and cool shite that destines all Pisces because you guys are always ready for adventure and fun and hopefully treasure hunting, you know because you’re not above greed, greed is good, right? Okay, so on Monday, you’ll find a map to a treasure, on Tue you’ll have to work, but later after dinner you’ll study the map. Wed, you call in sick, then in the afternoon around 230, you’ll face the first of three challenges to finding the treasure—a dragon, but your odds are pretty good, she’s been sleeping for 300 years, and she’s pregnant. Thur—happy hour magarita time! And then Fri, you’ll find the treasure, hopefully it’s actual gold, but could be a sense of love and empathy for all mankind. Good luck, you highly sexual fishmonger!

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –What do you get for someone that has everything already? Or is that person always in need of some thing more, in order to satisfy their incessant needs and cries for better of this or that? Or concavely, what do you get for someone who seems to want nothing? An empty box maybe? The Dr Pants’s rambling point is in regard to what he would give an Aries as a gift right now if he had his druthers. Surely, not advice, how pointless, heavens no. You’re already jacked up and uber caffeinated as it is. Oh right! Yoda!—when Luke enters the cave, and since he brought a weapon, that’s what he uses in anger and fear, ultimately chopping off his own head. In your face, symbolism. Take a load off, brougham, take a load for free. Fer reals—drop.. your.. sword, you don’t need it.

♉ Taurus –If you accept that the planet Mars exists, then you probably also concur that historically, Mars represents aggression and war and dominance and a never ending fight for resources and power. Mars is the God of War, right? War, whether by attrition or an absurd nuclear weapons stockpile buildup that threatens our species’ existence…Well, the Dr Pants’ll wager that a youthful earthy sign like yourself might be interested to know that as of the 13^th, behind Mars will be the constellation Sagittarius—aka celestial ass kicker, no name taker, and known incendiary—let it all blow back to hell and the devil can sort it out kinda thing, right? Grab your flak jacket and remember: nothing can hurt you, you’re indomitable and singularly in charge of your own destiny. Procure what you need and regret no thing.

♊ Gemini -Mars enters Sagittarius! As of the 13^th anyway! Why is that exciting? Quick astro primer: behind the red planet Mars right now, from our earthly pov anyhoo, will be the constellation Sagittarius! Why the frak do we care?? Opposite the constellation Sag in the sky from our earthly pov is the constellation Gemini, your astro opposite yet equal, and often naughty, possibly disturbed friend with benefits. Our sister red planet with Sag fire behind it, pulling Earth towards chaos and justice and probably naked sexy times, this influence lasts a good 6 weeks, so engage your planned seductions, illustrated coups and transcendental duck tossing, asap—do not lose the name of action.

♋ Cancer –Due to incoming stellar data, such as Mars transforming from Scorpionic orgiastic exuberance, into the purifying flames of righteous Sagittarian star energy—as of the 13^th anyhoo, and so the Dr Pants advises all watery crab types to brace for more tidal turbulence, but of the kind that builds reefs instead of dessicating them. Sag is the oldest of the three fire signs, and hopefully the wisest, procuring fire for a larger transformation, one of mind and spirit, rather than the merely corporeal, which as all crabs know, is replaceable. What if your carapace reflects the fiery northern aurora borealian light, incandescent, immaterial and preternaturally fascinating? Be the change.   

♌ Leo – Sometimes, life seems like that moment in The Big Lebowski when the Dude says, ‘All you needed was a sap to pin it on! You'd just met me! You human... paraquat! You figured 'Oh, here's a loser', you know? A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about.’ And the big Lebowski says, ‘Well, aren’t ya?’ A paraquat btw, is a synthetic weed killer—and then, even a pacifist like the Dude can’t deny that he is precisley that deadbeat that the square community won’t give a shit about, but then luckily, Walter, the pacifist’s muscle throws the poor insulting bastard on his own phony goldbrickin’ ass! And then, life takes you bowling and maybe you drive around a little and everything’s cool and copasetic. The skies are now post apocalypto—just be a lion, maybe throw some rocks, eat a gazelle—you’ve earned it.

♍ Virgo –Fer reals, the Dr Pants is biased towards Virgin ideology and so, full disclosure: he’s got a Virgo rising—quick primer: your rising sign is the constellation on the horizon at the moment you’re born, ergo: Dr Pants = part Virgo. That said, we look good. We’ve got another week left of the Sun shining via the energy of the Virgin star group, btw home to the Virgo Cluster, which = from our earthly pov, a bunch of galxies all clumped together, even tho they’re billions of billions of light years apart, hence Virgo has lots of mass pulling us towards it, and Hawking knows how much dark matter. Virgo’s a veritable gravity monster, as are you. It’s late summertime, and for Virgins the livin’s easy. Happy continued birthday times, you beautiful fertile bastard. You’re surrounded only by love.  

♎ Libra –Doozy of a full moon buildup to Pisces last weekend, right? The Dr Pants is still working at untwisting his knickers and reckoning his bar tab. Pisces—the understated diva, right? Where were we? Libra—right! Feel a funny tickle? A little vibration in your innards that portends your yearly Libra Sun time—which is imminent btw, as of the 22^nd, but meantime, let’s talk, seriously about red planet Mars being backlit by the constellation Sagittarius as of the 13th—yep, there’s that tingle again, because Sag is uber creative fire, and Mars sure seems like the god of war that our forbears labeled as such. Your roller coaster starts easy right now, but strap in, tune in, turn on and regret nothing. For now, be the rock, and soon you’ll roll with the just fist of fury of a thousand white hot suns. Giddy up—giddy way up.

♏ Scorpio –Meanwhile, ever since Oct 2012, behind the planet Saturn has been the constellation Scorpio, which lasts til about a year from now. It is neat isn’t it? And informationally super helpful! Also, as of the 13^th, when you see Mars in the night sky, behind it will be the constellation Sagittarius for about 6 weeks, which after the bloodbath of Scorp and a full moon in Pisces, should seem like a calm and orderly yet radical transformation from fire water to pure white fire. Sag is the oldest fire sign, and it’s pulling Mars and Earth towards whatever it desires. Even for your well travelled arse, the ride may seem bumpy, not to mention there’s an equinox impending and a shift into a Libra sun. The skies seem to infer incoming transformations—so, act accordingly.  

♐ Sagittarius –Feel like ya been missing the target lately? Well, impotence—no longer! As of the 13^th, when you view the red planet Mars in the sky, behind it is the constellation Sagittarius, and if you believe the red planet’s earthly rep as being a god of war, which the Dr Pants thought was Nicolas Cage—wait, he was only a Lord of War—point is, is that if Mars represents action, energy shifts and bold choices, straight from the hip gunslinger style, and nothing matters except stayin’ alive—stayin’ alive, feel the city breakin’, everybody’s shakin’ and etc. So, yeah that’s bodes bueno for archers looking to hit their targets, That said, don’t destroy everything in your path just because you can, yet— it is indeed time to push some buttons. Procure what you want and regret nothing.

♑ Capricorn –Sometimes, you feel like Rick Rossovich in the movie Roxanne, when he’s trying to write a letter to, well…Roxanne, and he thinks and he thinks, and he eats a cracker, and then finally the idea comes, and it’s a jubilant font of imaginative prose sure to win her heart, securing girlfriend status with a just off Splash success Darryl Hannah—and then the whole creative romantic process yields, ‘Do you want to have a drink sometime, if you do check this box.’ And that whole process took like three hours. It’s a very long time. But then sometimes, you just open your mouth and start yapping and prattling on. Celestially speaking, the sky is perfectly receptive to whatever may spill from your oral innards. Ask for what you want, else you get nothing. Let loose your chattering jaws and take a load off, take a load for free.

Aquarius ♒ -Since the Dr Pants is also of Aquarian ilk, he’s also suspect of any opinion, thought, idea or concept conceived of by anyone else pretty much ever, at least without thorough examination & due diligence & dubiousness. That said, everything that exists contains a verifiable process, right, like magic is all gone and we’re all just waiting for some otherwise unemployable eggheads to tell us what the science is. Narytheless, as of the 13^th, when you look at Mars in the night sky, behind it is the constellation Sagittarius, after passing intestinally thru thru an all too virile, surreal and angst ridden stay in Scorpio—Point is, is that progress should now be plentiful and readily available. Mars, allegedly = decisive action—for better or worse, and Sag allegedly = decisive action that we all just have to deal with—also for better or worse. Choose and regret nothing.

♓ Pisces –Look, we’re all familiar with Piscean codependence, and the need to make sure everyone’s having a good time, provided that doesn’t interfere unduly with your own hedonism, particularly re anxiety prone Virgos, but let’s assume for a moment that your life is indeed like the movie The Goonies, and an adventure awaits around every corner, especially if the Fratelli’s just robbed the local Circle K, and somehow there be pirate booty treasure ‘neath our town’s pristine shorelined streets. Now that your Pisces full moon has passed, and hopefully all wayward freebooting ships have come home to roost, the Dr Pants assumes it’s full steam ahead, irregardless of Chester Copperpot, and the odd non-appearance of a Goonies sequel. Wtf? Get back on track, find yer center or whatever—there’s shite to be done in these here Goon Docks!

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –From the time you read these word usements, til Monday ‘round happy hour PDT, is what astronomers call a slow build to a massive gushing release of en-oceaned sassafrass and inner turmoil, that will leave several rows soaking wet. Check out the Sun—don’t stare at it, ya freak—but rather notice the Sun, behind it is the constellation Virgo, and then check out Monday’s full moon, behind which is the constellation Pisces. A distant nuclear furnace and an old planetoid that liked us so much, she decided to stay and influence the tides—these bodies are pulling us in opposite directions, one towards preferably virgin earth and the other towards an endless Piscean sea, from whose bourne no traveller returns lightly or unchanged. Suit up, and smell your best—wild and crazy weekend ahead.

♉ Taurus –It pays to be an earthy Taurus right now, while the Sun pulls us towards another earthy type, the constellation Virgo—everyone’s favorite virgin, and the full moon—Monday right about happy hour PDT btw—is in Pisces—Jung’s metaphor for the impossible to fathom depths of the Freudian psyche—Freud was a Taurus btw, so that’s cool, but point is, is that the Sun wants us to go towards earth, and the Moon towards water. The Dr Pants reccommends that earthly Bull signs should find a warm mud bath, preferably atop a natural hot springs, where you can rejuvenate, exfoliate and spiritually cavort & copulate with what and whom you desire most. Madness by moonlight.

♊ Gemini –Quickly: we orbit the Sun, right, and the moon orbits us, and technically also the Sun—but focus dammit—right now, behind the Sun is the constellation Virgo—imagine  loamy muddy sentimental earth—and behind Monday’s full moon is the constelllation Pisces—imagine an endless sea, where if you travel far enough you’ll meet yourself—say hi for me btw. From the time you read these words until Monday late afternoon, right during happy hour PDT, will seem like the end of that Clooney movie The Perfect Storm, when the boat is pointed straight down the wave and all shite’s gone to hell—but then luckily by Tue morning, this slow mo dreamtime moonscape avalance will coalesce into calm seas, Christopher Cross, and virgin waters untouched by anything cruel or unkind. Find your lover, splash around, make some waves, and let the canvas do its miracles.    

♋ Cancer –The Dr Pants surely wishes he was a constellular crab for at least this weekend—Crabfest! And don’t fret, the Dr isn’t referring to the boiling kind, but rather a great time to be a Cancer! Check this shite, crusty: Monday late afternoon right ‘round happy hour PDT, the full moon will be gushing effulgently with the constellation Pisces as a backup band. Meanwhilst, behind the Sun is the constellation Virgo.Two bodies pulling us in opposite yet fertile directions, one towards loamy virgin soil, and the other towards the entirety of the water cycle itself, the ocean, the skies, and the fire water that surrounds us, binds us, moves thru us in mysterious and literal ways. Find a beach, crabby—where there’s sand and wind and water and enough moonlight to live on. Let the tides take you home.  

♌ Leo – For all fiery felines, this week’s happy hour starts as soon as you read these word structures, and ends with a bang on Monday nite, when the full moon pulls Earth towards the constellation Pisces, and the Virgin Sun pulls us toward more earthly endeavors. Pace yourself, kitten, the waves will begin gradually, reaching orgasmic hurricane strength by Sat, and hitting orgiastic landfall Sun nite, continuing to drench the coast well into Tuesday, making everybody sopping wet and in need of a group shower, several naps and whatever can be ordered for delivery. Cats don’t usually like this much water and mud, but all the smart cats learn to surf out of necessity. Even for Leo’s, this is a wet, wild and reckless weekend. Suit up, kitty, the surf’s way up.

♍ Virgo –Celestially speaking, the Sun’s right about dead center in the constellation Virgo—yes, more cake please, and a once a year full moon in Pisces is on the opposite side of the heavens, pulling Earth between sweet muddy virgin soil and transcendentally deep Piscean waters—your astro equal, opposite and usually friend with benefits. From the time these words hit your retinas until full lunar completion right about happy hour Monday eve—that’s PDT btw, should be an orgasmic birthday cake roller coaster that probably winds up in a three day orgy with recovery time not due til Thur at best. This full moon weekend is your time, it’s your party, check before you wreck, put your name on your underwear so you can find it later, and Happy Birthday, you sexy beast.

♎ Libra –Quick astronomical primer: Sun’s in Virgo the virgin mudbath, full moon’s on Monday around happy hour PDT, and as of the 2^nd, Mercury is in Libra kicking it for a few weeks, and soon—Libra Sun time, when you’ll be the star of your own reality show—yes, you’ll get created by credit—and we’ll all take our pants off and party with you. But for this weekend, it’s a full moon ride thru Pisces—imagine a four day tantric orgasm, where each level of enjoyment is a synecdoche for the unfathomable full monty. Lennon (fellow Libra btw) was right, we should all just trip together and bond via the love vibrations of infinite ubiquitous cosmic energy—Our atoms are all sun-forged, brothers and sisters, We’re all of the same star stuff. Find yourself a mudbath preferably atop a natural hot spring and commune with disparate forces that are as powerful as air. Wild weekend dead ahead—pretend you’re water and go with the flow, the tides always come home.  

♏ Scorpio –The Moon’s light is reflected sunlight and before we had science to allegedly prove otherwise, moonlight had special powers, specifically at a lunatic full moon—this Monday’s eve btw, right about happy hour PDT—when previously hidden caches and treasure troves have a shot at lightning fast illumination, the possibility of epiphany and movement from one planar reality to a more elevated dimension, beyond sight & sound, transcending light & boundaries where speed is limitless and moot. This weekend may seem like a gushing ride over a waterfall into steamy erotic unconsciousnes, but by Wed next, all will be tidepools and naked lunches on the sand, watching wave upon wave of reality roll in, drenching us in fertile virgin Piscean-Virgo mudbaths until everything comes clean. Bring a loofa and prepare for en-lightning. For a Scorp, business as usual.

♐ Sagittarius –The energy of Monday nite’s full moon in Pisces, starts as a small wave from the moment these words hit your mouth and brain areas, that will build in ongoing and increasing swells of heightened emotions, desires, beliefs, needs vs wants vs the must haves and the gonna get me somes. Check this train, Coltrane: a full moon in Pisces—the epitome and paragon of all the world’s water implies that the Sun is being pulled in the opposite direction, toward constellular Virgo. Imagine the most fertile warm resuscitating mud baths atop the hottest of natural springs, then imagine being drenched with energy betwixt the two—warm earth and deep waters that will ride to slow full lunar completion right about happy hour on Monday’s eve, PDT. Even for a never rest easy Sag, this weekend could get a little wild a little wooly & downright dirty—just like you like it.

♑ Capricorn –The possibility of overindulgence in all your favorite vices is at DefCon2, beginning as soon as these word usements hit your eyeballs, and crescendoing to all out missile launch by Monday nite’s full moon in Pisces, right around happy hour btw—PDT. Quick astro primer: the full moon is always on the opposite side of the Earth than the Sun, resulting in more or less equal gravitational pull on us twixt fertile celestial virgin soil and the unfathomable depths of Jungian subconsciousness as a metaphor for the literal unknowable ocean, not to mention the sign with the most tolerance for too much of a good thing. Point is, is that Caps love too much of a good thing, but have a much lower threshold for pure pleasure. Pace yourself, there’s mucho orgies and hallucinatory libations to be had—pace yourself, don’t crash out early and miss the party. This weekend is wet, wild, wooly and way way, way off the hook. Go easy, star goat.

Aquarius ♒ -From the moment these words hit your eyeballs, the harness will be placed, and the ride will begin. This roller derby coaster lasts until the full moon Monday nite, right ‘round happy hour, PDT btw, so let’s get some science down and check before we wreck: Every full moon is on the opposite side of Earth than the Sun, pulling us in opposite directions—last month’s was twixt Aquarius and Leo—but this month the Sun favors the constellation Virgo and the Moon tugs us towards constellular Pisces—between loamy virgin earth and impossible neptunian depths of Jungian subconsciousness. Point is, is that the tendency to go too far either in pleasure or pain might be unavoidable—just make sure you get some cake with your ennui, and maybe find a water sign, get off the grid and let the tides take you where they will. Recovery starts Tue.

♓ Pisces –You feel that? Mmmmmm, yeah, it’s Pisces full moon time—Monday eve ‘round happy hour, PDT—only happens once a year, when the Sun pulls us towards the constellation Virgo, and the moon on the opposite side of the Earth reflecting that dirty virgin sunlight pulling us towards constellular Pisces. Opposite directions, yet aligned and fine tuned to offer free wifi, group mud baths and naked hot springs for everyone. From the time these words hit your eyeballs til full lunar completion on Mon, should feel like a slow moving tantric magic carpet ride to feel good town. This Goonies quote should fill you in on the details: ‘Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket.’