DR. PANTS MCTURD'S

                          MORE THAN TRUE HORRORSCOPES

                      (Not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Aries-Let's talk Rip Tide. These Bo and Luke doppelgängers ran a detective agency from their boat, with the help of a social misfit computer nerd and an orange robot, who unlike Twiggy didn't speak and most delivered cocktails after a long day of detecting and being awesome. And they had a helicopter and a speedboat and a hot red Corvette. I wanted to hang out with those guys so bad! This week, I predict that your life will unfold into a burrito of coolness just like Rip Tide. Solving mysteries and looking foxy. That is your immediate future. Helicopters and speedboats. You are the trio with four fists. Fuck and yeah. To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

Taurus-This week your life will resemble the 80's tv show Moonlighting. Your theme song will be sung by Al Jarreau, and it will be sexy. You will be known amongst your friends as the first successful dramedy, and you will break the fourth wall, and possibly engender a fifth one. Your lover will be feisty and incorrigible and irresistible and hard to pin down. Your love scenes will be done standing up to avoid injury and pregnancy. You will spontaneously spawn limbo contests while at work. And you will solve crimes. This is your Blue Moon...

To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

Gemini-Loose Cannons is not a good film. But I love the concept. Gene Hackman-a 'hard nosed' cop teams up with a multiple personality disordered Dan Ackroyd to solve a major crime involving a secret Hitler sex tape. It was the 80's--Hitler was still relevant. Not that he isn't now, I'm just saying--solid mediocre movie and probably dated, but still awesome. This week, you will experience this movie in your day to day life. Dom DeLouise may even show up. However, unlike the film which did a big poo poo at the box office, your tale of mismatched cop buddy weirdness will be riotously received and richly rewarded. Strap in and don't fear the straight jacket. 

To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

Cancer-Lethal Weapon--best Xmas movie ever--is your theme movie for the week. Gary Busey may show up, so be prepared. But don't fret, Clapton will be writing your theme music. You will also have alternate beginnings and endings that only you will get to see. You are not too old for this shit, and don't even think about retiring because this week, you will overcome past tragedy and find a family you can stand to hang out with. You will also find a perfect stretch of beach for your trailer of solitude. Get ready for your new partner in justice.

To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

Leo-This week your life will be like John McClane's in Die Hard---one of the best Xmas movies ever made...It might not be Nakatomi Plaza, but it will be full of derring do and barefoot machine gunning and bearer bond stealing. You will succeed brilliantly because of your never say die spirit. You will befuddle and confuse all your enemies with your fast thinking and Beethoven based soundtrack. You'll save the one you love, and make friends with an overweight cop and thwart the ever dickish William Atherton. Yipee ki-yay, mother russia.

To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

Virgo-Miami Vice. Not the bullshit movie with big dicked Ferrel, but rather the 80's awesomeness of the Crockett and the Tubbs. And this week I predict you will be solving crimes, driving speedboats named after strange diseases, wearing awesome pastel clothes, and having emotional shootouts that will make you the hero with a cool tan. You will not be able to get Glen Frey and Phil Collins songs out of your head. Cuban food and drug deals. Fast cars and hot babes. Justice and a slew of guest stars, that will include Sheena Easton and Bruce Willis. Drive fast, for the bad guys have speedboats too. 

To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

Libra-Running Scared---not the bs name stealer from 2006, but rather the awesome buddy cop movie from 1986, starring Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines---is your theme movie of the week. There will be humor and drama and Joey Pants all over the place. Jimmy Smits will also stop by. By the end of next week, you will regain a lost love, ride a motorcycle on the railroad tracks, catch the bad guys, and buy a bar in Key West. You will also discover the healing power of sunsets and Michael McDonald. 

To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

Scorpio-Remington Steele is your theme show for the week. A shady past that included underworld crime and Irish boxing will collide with hot and smart Stephanie Zimbalist as well as the likes of Doris Roberts. You are the person of mystery in everyones' lives this week, and you look great in a suit, and if you play your cards right you'll actually get to play James Bond, regardless of NBC and Timothy Dalton. You'll be clever, witty, urbane and dashing. You knowledge of film noir will astound even Ebert. Try this for a deep dark secret...To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

Sagittarius-This week, your life will resemble an episode of the A-Team. You will embody BA Baracas, Face, the Colonel and Murdock all rolled up into a burrito of on the run deliciousness. Bad guys will pay, those taken advantage of will see recompense, and you will be driving a really cool van. And you will elude, frustrate and piss off anyone who wrongly convicted you in the past. There will also be many needless explosions. Be ready to be a hero. Your plan is about to come together.

To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

Capricorn-This week your life will resemble Lethal Weapon 2. Your past suicidal tendencies will be reversed and you will find a family that you can hang with. You will also save Danny Glover from a toilet bomb. And those racist South Africans will lose all their ill gotten cash, and get their diplomatic immunities revoked. Best of all you will not be fucked at the drive thru. I do not recommend you try to pop your shoulder or any other body parts out of sockets, but you will pull an amazing escape from an impossible situation. You are not too old for this shit. 

To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

Aquarius-Point Break has so much to offer. It's also the thematic film for you for the up coming week. The FBI will pay you to learn how to surf. Gary Busey will take you to the best meatball sandwich place in LA. You may aggravate an old knee injury from your past athletic days, and you will find something you didn't think was possible-Buddhistic enlightenment in the pursuit of sport and justice. Be ready to jump out of a plane for love. The net will appear in the form of the late great Swayze. Bell's Beach is straight ahead. Surf's up. You are an FBI agent!! Whoa...

To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

Pisces-You are Magnum. Thomas Magnum. Of the Hawaiian Magnums. You've been thru hell, and made a life for yourself; which involves a friend with a helicopter, a buddy named Rick who owns a night club, and a rich benefactor who is probably masquerading as someone much more powerful, even though he has a twin brother with a Texas accent who likes rodeo. You will be driving a Ferrari, so pull from your closet your best Hawaiian shirt and Detroit Tigers baseball hat. And best of all, Orson Welles will be the voice of god/Robin Masters to coagulate your awesomeness. The power of the mucho macho 'stache is yours to wield. 

To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas

                                        DR. PANTS MCTURD'S

                       MORE THAN TRUE HORRORSCOPES

              (Not associated with actual horror or scopes of any ilk)

Aries--- There are some that call me ...Tim. And Tim will employ every shady waylaying motive to thwart and stymie your cosmic progress. I'm going to poop on your evolution as a soul, or whatever pile of spiritual crapulence you believe yourself to effervesce and-----Not. I have no power over the  likes of you and your sexual beastliness. Fuck my alter ego Tim, and drive headlong into what will ironically be your glorious future, amidst the inevitable bullshit blockades that invariably pop up amidst the lives of mice and monkeys. Drive wild, drive free and kick everyone's ass who would seek to block your path. Rambo style.

Taurus--- Pamplona. Running of the bulls. In essence---you guys. If you're lucky, you gore a couple of not fast enough morons, before you're speared and parsed and split infinitively for kabobs, driven into chaos, hopefully bound for higher levels of knowledge and peace. Maybe the bulls love the run, because it's their only shot at redemption. Do bulls have feelings? I have no clue, but I do know intrinsically and entirely wholeheartedly, that you are an unstoppable brahma bull. Charge and run and feel your crazy brutish strength before you enter the heavens, and your next unstoppable level. Be Bodacious and all will step aside.

Gemini---- According to myth, which is akin to legend, and therefore possibly containing a kernel of a grain of a fractal of reality--Rome was created by the twins Romulus and Remus. They were raised and suckled by a wolf. Kinda neat, If you're into that kinda thing. And it's no accident that the Romulan planet from the Star Trek Universe is named for the survivor of the two twins, who gets the credit for founding Rome--which is inevitably  linked with bloat and pork and Caligulian baths, possibly filled with boiling blood and the vestiges of vestals of virgins. Yours is not a burden, but a crown of stupidly awesome glory. Feed the myth to your medulla and reap the milk of god like wolves.

Cancer--- Your theme song for the week is reminiscent of the late 1970's, when macho was muy mucho mas burt reynolds style, and the differential between the realization of feminine freedom and the actuality of california based feminism, created a sexy, smart and powerful woman. Yay, 70's. I posit that you are Goldie Hawn, Lillian Gish, Grace fucking Kelly, The unfairly maligned Mata Hari, and Garbo eggrolled  into a 21st century morsel of intense proportion. The power is in the feminine. Bask, and grok deeply, the mother, Gaia, who gave birth to us all. Inner city's breakin and everybody's shakin, baby...

Leo--- Living in the body of a powerful beast--maybe even kingmost of the jungle beastly--can be a huge burden. The anger one is forced to carry like a cudgel of order---it's heav, man! And even though to you the burden is nothing-like carrying a pyramid on your head like those African women carry baskets. The powerful soul inside a body that both roars and purrs with the alacrity and swagger of a merciful pirate--a freebooter out for his own good. You are not a temple to a false god or prophet. You are the balance of power that engenders transcendent thought. Nice kitty. Meow and meat and feline coyness.

Virgo--- If I were you, and shit knows that I want to go to there-- I would rub our collective noses in your munificent scent;  I would drive the demons forever forward from your indigenous nose and super secret ear lobes and little known ticklish spots. The sound that hits your medulla should be tremendous and mozart and full of fiber and potassium and ginger. You are a literal reliquary of earthly delights. Keep it up and dance a nuclear jig. You smell munificent and are blessed with the grace of gods and other heavenly folk.

Libra--- There is a moving river of frozen ice that bifurcates you braniac hemispheres. And it's gnarly and impressive. Super gnarly. So much raw power at your cranial finger pointers...you're impressive. Ya got what they call balls and fortitude and moxy. Nice. But i get the felling you're stuck mid straddle fencewise and could use a push, preferably to the side of the Force with the blue and/or green light sabers. Dive and don't fret, for there's a net that will appear out of thin breathable atmosphere, which will fill your air sign lungs with breathable love juice, just like the weird end of The Abyss. 

Scorpio--- I'm not sure you're really emblematic of a scorpion. I'm not implying that you wouldn't stand toe to toe with tyranny and fear and asshole despots, until either justice got served up with a twist, or you burn at the stake while swinging your poisonous tail...but I think scorpios are healers and lovers and gentle like baby lambs having a tea party with Ken dolls and bunnies, but with a dash and peppering of Caligula and an a shot of an Anthony Burgess novel. But...you gotta break eggs to get to omelette town. Swing your faux tail judiciously, and mayhap you'll be of service to everyone...or at the least yourself---be the change, be the example. 

Sagittarius--- The Minaret of Jam is not fruit flavored. Jam if the river it's next to and it's over 900 years old. Btw, it's in Afghanistan and it's an Islamic dedication to Mary in obelisk form. Yep, Jesus' mommy in Afganistan.. Point is, I recommend you read the book LAMB, by Christopher Moore. Extremism is never the answer, it's far too myopic for the Vishnuvian vision of that pervades our multiverse. It would be so nice if there were a pole position that we could all focus 'round in times of disunion and panic. But all there is, is the spinning of matter, spun from fate's webby loins. The irony contained in the Minaret of Jam is not something you can learn---just pick your favorite flavor and smear it on the toast of ironic freedom.

Capricorn

What's the deal with spotted dick? I would have guessed it was a ribaldrous name for a spotted duck of some kind, probably from Sweden, cause we all know they require a lot of sex just to survive the winters. And while I don't want to diss the quality of Swedish porn, nor the hotness of the indigenous population, it turns out spotted dick is another contribution to the world of cuisine from the Brits. It's a custard made of suet, which is beef fat from the loins, and custard and dried fruit. Mmmmmmm. What's my point? Maybe that life on an island requires a certain intestinal fortitude. Mayhap, you should drop the unnecessary traditions and clean your plate with a smiley face.

Aquarius

We, adrift in cosmic foam, awaiting the event horizon, where we assume all will be revealed. But how can a black hole, a singularity be emitting radiation? Wtf particles can escape that which light cannot? What fresh hell is this? My previous theory was that black holes were the reproductive engines of the multiverse--each new event horizon, regardless of size, is your ticket to another 'verse, ad infinauseum. Infinite variety, as any creator would endow. No end-all-be-all, no ultimatums...infinite diversity being the watchwords. Happy Birthday to the early Aquarii of us, and those to come. We are future. 

Pisces

We all have crosses to bear, ..I guess. There a vague hope alive inside me that wants to believe that those crosses are optional. That albatross took its fate into its own feathers. You should regret nothing, and bear no burden. "After" this " life"' we will reconnoiter and palaver and mend fences with fresh chocolate chip cinnamon cookies, and all will be restored---not to a reasonable, logical conclusionary solids, but rather a forgiveness of self, something we all have earned. Your cross is a symbol of the need for forgiveness of "sins"--which are falsehoods in deific robes. Drop the cross, ankh, or symbol deserving of dumping. Light is your burden. Swim fast.

                         Dr. Pants McTurd's

           MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                    

            (not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                 

this week: I found my Pants!

Doc P’s Word of the Week: BALLYHOO. PSST, BUDDY…OVER HERE!

Aries- The real Batman’s name is John. John Batman. He helped found Australia, aka the backward southern hemispherial ex-con brits. I kid the Aussies, cause they’re all the way down there and under, but seriously, what a great model for anti-recidivism and societal rehabilitation. Most of those emu humpers are pretty nice, and their treatment of and treaties with indigenous peoples might be the kindest on the planet, for what that’s worth. But wait—John Batman. Like the northern Batman, John was a mixed bag. He killed some aborigines, saved some, adopted one even, killed some bad guys and outlaws; but his best idea was what he wanted to name Melbourne-—Batmania. How much better would our world be if there was a city named Batmania? I say lots better. Try renaming stuff---it’ll change your relationship to the object.

Taurus- We may be connected—you and I…possibly spread eagled against the sky, like an impatient etherized upon a fable-…and yet it’s far more complicated than we could imagine: Love?--Ha!--what a biological and mathematically rendered piece of work. We shall be and/or what we think we desire to be, regardless! Ha yet again! To believe that there’s some cosmic relativity---a moment of balance and unity, where we come together as separate pieces of the same puzzle...Ha! I say, x3!, We have yet to intimately blather. Spreading one’s fractures and fortunes face to face, preferably while lying together showered and naked, til the required trust phase is allowed for, and we grok each other’s macguffin---that’s where love may possibly lyeth! Not here amidst coffee grounds and broken parleys across mountains of non conductive copper. Make and get a room, will ya already? 

Gemini- Translate this, and then stick it in your pipe and smoke it: there’s no way for you to be more beautiful. There! I said it. The world desires you, as it does peace, and fewer Justin Biebers and weather related fatalities; not to mention fewer deaths related to guns usually of innocents, the blood of lambs. Your mental health is of the utmost importance here: Maintain an even keel, despite your turbulent and reasonable emotions. You are the only air sign that sits astride the fence between emotion and logic—one who is comfortable in more than one world at once. And you wear it like a crown forged of bravery, fortitude, cunningness and guile, and full tilt metaphorical balls to the proverbial wall. So you have that going, which is nice. 

Cancer- As our current universe expanded from a somehow measurable bang, as yet evolved energy cooled and coalesced into simple ideas like hydrogen and helium becoming nuclear fire and plasma and vortexes and multiverses, mirroring itself infinitely, creating new timespace in the blink of an eye. Matter evolves condensing out of furnaces of immense heat, taking billions of years to find ourselves in the now on a slowly cooling planet made from lightning hot star stuff. And from the perspective of the ‘creator’, billions of years are like a new york minute, a heartbeat, or as the Bhuddists say one inspirational breath of god. Cool your jets, jumpy jill. You got time.

Leo- Roar. Lions roar. Grrrr. But…I’m on to you—ROOOAAR right back at ya. Point is, that while your aquarian perfect soul mate may never to be realized due to a mutual fear of true cosmic intimacy, rather than mere pheromone related incidents on a drunken nights in old london town, when you hooked up and regretted just as quickly. Wait, it’s been five seconds, you better give a good ROAR or a nice purrrrrrr, so the voices from another room don’t forget there’s a dangerous beautiful, almost top of the food chain sexy beast in here who’s gonna be needing some ripe flesh and probably pronto. Your fur lined ego wants to be stroked. Aquarians do that with their minds, and their mates should be so vibrationally attuned; so maybe we are perfect soul mates only in spirit, as friends and twins. My brains, your brawn—we are unstoppable. Come, Lion…there be gazelles to harass.

Virgo- Like in any chaotic system, entropy changes tempo over time and society appears to grow more organized. But are we moving toward a kind of homogenized chaos? Just looking at the numbers, the human species is about to get very diverse, what with random mutation popping off whenever it feels like it. But the how of our daily lives has lots in common—food, medicine, transportation, education, employment, and they’re are evolving globally at varying speeds, but towards very similar models. Keep vigilant of your place in space—it’s moving. Your atoms seem to coalescing rapidly. Unwrinkle and unbunch your panties though because the upcoming you is super cool. And taller!

Libra- You are made of the stuff of Robert Burns. Yeah, yeah..little bit of the ol’ Auld Lang Syne, a little smack of some for a’ that and a’ that and y’adda y’adda y’adda. And Meredith-your secret name…Welsh and Scottish, all haggis and baskersvillian, racing ‘round Wrath on bones made of basil and blood, and scintillating and rapidly deteriorating portraits of our self worth and refusal to obey the lack of inhibitions that our soul demands—the greyest of dorians. Fudge, shit, terror, tits and acceptance…of something—a larger reality—where a hidden pool of secret knowledge juice, thought to be extinct and out of fashion, exists that wants to be our Calgon, and take us away like a sailboat, course plotted for somewhere warm and fruity drink worthy. Happy New Year.

Scorpio- You are a perfect hybrid of the chalky buttercup and the buttercup lucine; grasping onto rocks and crevices, direly surviving against the sea—which is your nature: to be one with the sea…sodium and water and ratios aligning perfectly, so that we never notice the barriers betwixt and between us; skin melding and molding and justifying and condensing into one being, made of two and twixt and twain--strangled amidst unassuming strangers who befuddle and misdirect us—or who seem and are presented as reasonable suitors; but in the final analysis end game realization technique, verified by science minded celts,… are merely adequate. You want mystical? You want grokking and rocking and scottish jewish hindu pagan freedom? Pretty sure you’re already there, but keep on digging. The earth is warm.

Sagittarius- You are Bartholomew Bundy, The Bully Butcher of Bourbon Street®, ready to punch through that fake wall that’s been separating you from your adventurous future. Once you break through the wall, it may be dark, so bring a torch, and maybe some trail mix and water; I don’t know how long you’ll be in there. Maybe just an apple and some beef jerky—anyway, point is—start the journey now while you have the muscle. I’m not trying to scare ya, for all I know there’s butterflies and shamrock shakes in there, just be prepared. Also, bring your trusty ax and your big blue ox. And maybe a couple chairs, some throw pillows, maybe even a bean bag chair—spruce up the joint while you’re in there. Start an illegal guinea pig breeding farm in there—whatever, go nuts. Get your ax.

Capricorn- A quasi war is just that: half assed, ill planned, brutal and most likely disastrous. Quasi, my ass; kill or be killed, right? Eye for an eye—tit for a tat, and a turd for Tartuffe—right? The universe can’t be black and white. I like to think of it as layers of orange upon green, and when inevitably mixed, generating a slurry of weird uncomfortable brown, murky and mucky, primordial and oozy, like from whence we crawled. And as you walk through the layers, the colors probably smell like coriander and sage, evoking memories of a time when things seemed more concrete, and all we had to worry about was getting our vocabulary homework handed in on time. I know, I’m waxing rhapsodically nostalgic, and I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side of 4^th grade….where we we?—ahh, yes, DECIDE, DETERMINE, CHOOSE! Gauche ou droite? Orange ou vert --what’s it gonna be, mon ami?

Aquarius- Upheaval, case in point: digging in the dirt, finding places we got hurt. Mayans and long dead philosophies are all that’s left of pre-human thought. We are different now, I swear it. And yet…our needs remain the same: food, shelter, warmth, ding-dongs, kung-fu movies preferably starring Bruce Lee, free wi-fi, soft serve ice cream on a sweltering midwestern eve…and so many, many more wonderful inventions of human desire. Praise the Creator!—whoever it is, or isn’t—or frak---what if we’re a soap bubble in an infinite bath tub of infinite soap-streams, and an abundance of ‘verses ‘pon ‘verses, ‘pon plethoras of ‘verses, ad infinauseum®. Such an absurd abundance that it simply takes too much potential timespace to get a hook through. Just throw your line in the water, where matters not. Fish and they will come.

Pisces- Man vs Man. Man vs nature. Man vs society. Man vs banana peels, casually tossed from car windows onto sidewalks replete with unaware passengers destined for a fateful spill. Man vs giant mutoid octopus donut. Man vs Klingon. I can’t keep all these versuses straight. I don’t want to be against the universe, I just disagree with its tactics sometimes. Pain as a teacher? Piffle…just so we can justify why terrible things happen in a chaos that doesn’t even have to post the ingredients on the menu, self legislated immunity from any form of civility or justice—like not creating tsunamis or causing cancer or letting old people drive. Especially this one: Man vs self. Oy, what a poisoned prick, the damoclean sword of one’s ego fighting the tides of the multiverse, and calling it evolution! Relax, you’re in the river headed for a nice lake with ducks and otters and picnic tables. It’ll be fun and there’s sandwiches.