Dr Pants McTurd's
More Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with
horror or scopes of any ilk)
Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!
♈ Aries –As if 2014
hadn’t already brought changes in perspective and prospectus enough, as if we
haven’t been twisting, adapting, transitioning, transforming and
transmorgrifying in leaps and bounds already this year, check this actual astro
shite: on the 21st we hit solstice, when the Earth will literally
start tilting in the opposite direction, and on the same day, Uranus, the only
planet named for a Greek rather than Roman god—the god of primordial chaos
btw—comes out of retrograde and starts moving forward in the sky. Chaos reigns?
Possibly. Even more unpredictable change, insights and stargates to unexplored
territories? Probably. Suit up, turn on, tune in and don’t drop out. Be here.
♉ Taurus –The seas have been unpredictable, zany
and loose lipped, possibly sinking ships and foundering well intentioned plans
and objectives, enisling us on beaches with far too many cocoanuts and too few
beach hotels and a distinct dearth of umbrella-ed tropical drinks and
intentional peace and quietude. But now, we precipice on the edge of solstice
on the 21st when the Earth will literally hold still for a brief
moment before tilting in the opposite direction and we enter a new and yet
repeated paradigm. Seemingly small changes may have large consequences, so go
from your gut, from whatever your center is, and regret nothing. The future is
literally what you make it.
♊ Gemini -Uranus has been
backwards for months now. Quick astro primer: planets orbit the Sun at
different speeds, and on quite a regular basis they appear to move backwards in
the sky from our Earthly pov, and Uranus has been slogging backwards for
months. Quick historical primer: Uranus is the only planet named for a Greek
rather than Roman god—the god of chaos btw, and has a reputation for renegade
behavior, allegedly connected to the likewise renegade sign of Aquarius, whose
ideas and imaginations transmorgrifies itself right out of the shapeless primordial
chaos itself. And on the 21rst, the trickster god/planet stops moving backwards
and gets its groove back. The Dr Pants suggets you do likewise. Be the change,
for the time is ripe and willing.
♋ Cancer –Lots of sky
energy has been slowly whipping and wending its way toward one of our twice
yearly solstices, due on Dec 21st when the Earth will stop tilting
ever so briefly and start moving in the other direction, ending down unda’s
summer and bringing more light to the northern hemi. If you’re a Druid, you
probably already have plans, but this also means that the next full moon Jan 4th
will be in Cancer, and not to mention that for now anyhoo both Mercury and
Venus traverse the Capricorn and the solstice also imlpies that the Sun is also
Capricorn bound, and while Cancers may feel that Caps are too bounding and
binding, they are the opposite, equal and often insatiable bed buddies for you
of Cancerian ilk. Revelation, infrastructure adjustment and transcendental incursions
to what you think is real, is unavoidable and overdue. Box: screw box, go
outside.
♌ Leo –Sometimes you
are better served by getting when the getting is good—know when to fold ‘em
sorta thing, or maybe when to run, skedaddle and sidestep your way into a new
matrix. Always leave your audience wanting, best to go out when you’re on top
even if emotional strings might be endorsing safety in remaining in the tide
pool where you’ve been surfing for perhaps far too many moons. There’s change
in the sky and the air for Leos, and coming up to Dec 21st might
prove pretty wild, and briefly here’s some astro why: it’s solstice and the
Earth literally starts tilting in the opposite direction, and on the same day
Uranus—named for the god of primmordial chaos btw, stops its retrograde BS and
heads off in a forward yet unpredictable direction. Embrace inevitable change
and reap unregrettably the future.
♍ Virgo –A great singer
once crooned, and the Dr Pants is paraphrasing here: Know when to hold ‘em,
fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to get the hell out of Dodge
City. The same bearded minstrel also sang: I tripped on a cloud and fell eight
miles high and tore my mind on a jagged sky, and pushed my soul in a deep dark
hole and then I followed it in, then I watched
myself crawlin' out as I was a-crawlin' in, I got up so tight I couldn't unwind, I saw
so much, that I broke my mind. Uff da, right? The skies are rife and replete
with predictable and comforting seasonal change, i.e. the solstice on the 21st
and regardless of what you think you’ve seen, you haven’t seen it all. Justine:
prepare for exquisite and enlightening torture, that will later conjure as
experience and wisdom.
♎ Libra –Uranus has been
sleeping for some time. No—not your ass, but rather the only planet named for a
Greek rather Roman god—the god of primordial chaos btw— these celestial
retrogrades happen quite regularly—it’s boring and it’s math but it’s true, and
so Uranus has appeared to move backwards in the sky, maybe napping or
hibernating, dreaming dreams no mortal has ever dreamed of dreaming before, and
on the 21st he goes forward, maybe even viral, combining his
boundless imagination with the power of a solstice—on the same day btw when the
Earth literally starts tilting in the opposite direction—again, orbital
mechanics, you can look it up. Not to mention this whole month— Mars, reputed
planet of action and celestial decider in chief, rides without any known
destination thru Aquarius—Imagine, don’t hesitate, then create something
wonderful. Air signs are the dreamers of impossible dreams, are we not? Dream
absurdly large.
♏ Scorpio –Peripatetic and
secular have been a dream deferred for too long, and since the solstice is on
the 21st, as you know a sacred turning point where the Earth starts
tilting in the opposite direction—if you’re a Druid you probably already have
plans, and out of all the signs, those most likely to be Druish are the Scorps.
You’re one of four fixed signs, meaning during the Sun’s journey thru your
sign, there’s neither an eclipse nor equinox in sight, probably obsessing and
fixating you on change, transformation transmorgrification and literally
morphing into whatever you desire, admire and covet. And on this solstice,
Uranus, the only planet named for a Greek rather Roman god—the god of primordial
chaos btw—comes out of retrograde and spills his dreams thru out the stargate
of the solstice. Whatever happens, you’ll be as happy as a scorpion in estrus.
♐ Sagittarius –Still plenty of
Sag birthday Sun times for you half horsey centaurian Sag types—so party on,
Garth. But it’s not all magaritas and moonbeams—soon you’ll be called upon to
perform some Sag magic, probably around the 21st when the Sun hits
solstice and changes from Sag to Capricorn. And same day, Uranus, named for the
god of primordial chaos, comes out of retrograde, spilling all his hibernating
dreams and desires into our collective conscious. You may be asked to make
leaps that even for your absurdly daring soul may seem daunting and
doubtful—yet leap anyway regardless of net, despite caution which may be tossed
to the wind beneath your imaginative feats. Nothing in the multiverse, not even
the nothing that is dark matter can stop you now. Whatever you do will be
brilliant and perfectly timed. Regret no thing, and press on, press on
regardless.
♑ Capricorn –If you’ve felt
lost asea for several moons searching for the perfect land mass on which to
become enisled and bask in harmony rather than be befouled and befuddled by
disparate forces that would seek to divide and part your seas and diasporize
your peoples, the Dr Pants is here to tell you to officially: chill out. Quick
astro primer: on the 10th Venus moved into Capricorn, on the 16th
so does Mercury and on the 21st the Sun hits solstice and likewise grooves
into Capricorn for a solid month of goat on goat birthday party action. The 21st
is also your once yearly new moon, so your shite literally don’t stink and
everybody wants a piece of it. Best part is all you gotta do is show up, and
your most heartfelt intentions will do the rest, beaming your version of sun
and moon light onto everything you love. All you intend is beatific. Nice work,
paradigm.
Aquarius
♒ -The Dr Pants is
guessing that the last few months, for those of Aquarian ilk anyway, have been
wild, wooly, replete and rife with roller coasters of change, both in
perspective and prospectus, both literally and metaphorically, unexpected
journeys popping and cropping up at all angles, new fangled and unforseen. And
come the 21st the cake gets its icing when in one day the Sun hits
solstice and moves into our buddy Capricorn, and Uranus—the only planet named
for a Greek rather Roman god, god of primordial chaos btw—comes out of
retrograde and takes off on whatever wild hair gets him off. These changes have
all been pleasant and cleansing, even if surprising and unimagined, not to
mention Mars has almost a whole month left in guess where—Aquarius. Forward,
upward, outward, blossoming and burgeoning depsite a winter chill, breathe deep
the gathering beauty, streaming and dis-believably resplendant. Believ
anything, but just believe and your intended future will ensue. In essence—
love and regret no thing, ever.
♓ Pisces –Your power DC
super hero of the week whom you should call upon, emulate, engender and straight up plagarize is
the Green Lantern. Actually, pick any color you like—altho the Dr Pants would
maybe stay away from yellow—tends to be evil, pissy and revenge driven. The
power of your ring and lantern relies and resides in the endless boundlessness of
your imagination, infinte seas of potential, the absence of death and world
without end. The solstice hits on the 21st and the zodiac
transitions to a simpatico watery earth sign, the Capricorn, and on the same
day Uranus stops moving backwards—ending celestial retrograde action, nothing
to do with your actual ass—and who knows what wackadoo things he’s been
dreaming of during his yearly nap. Imagination is the key.
