Dr. Pants McTurd's Eerily True Horrorscopes
disclaimer: Satire is only scary, if you don't get the joke.
this week: Happy Hallowe'en. Have some blood.
Aries- Soothsayers, prognosticators and purveyors of the future will often tell you that you are a divided soul, caught between two unhappy masters, under whom unmerciful disaster follows fast and follows faster-- but thankfully you are about to enter a more constructive phase where everything will become clear and you will be rewarded for your fortitude. Such hokum and bunkum says to me that we all feel like the world is collapsing around us all the time, and that the promise of unity of mind, body and spirit will imminently assuage our souls and give us the peace of mind to go bravely into the new world. I, however, promise you nothing. I only wish to remind you of the delusional nature of this dualistic dimension. Good luck and enjoy fish while they still exist.
Taurus- Aspen trees are a clonal colony, that is to say they are genetically identical and reproduce vegetatively rather than sexually-- bummer for them, right? So, a group of these trees is actually one individual life form pushing its way through the environment, mostly underground through the roots, like subterranean communism. Their goal? Probably world domination and the enslavement of the human race that would serve a planet full of aspen trees, even though they only grow at certain altitudes, that would make world domination pretty much impossible from a genetic standpoint. But fuck 'em, Dulcinea, dream the implausible dream. You will be rewarded with manna, not from heaven, but like east Jersey. Hella manna out there.
Gemini- So, dig this: so far, there's a guy buried on the moon. Well, his ashes anyway- shipping a body up there ain't cheap. And get this, there's only one guy whose ashes are going beyond the solar system aboard New Horizons, bound for Pluto in 2015. Heck, there's a bunch of folks in high orbit above us right now. For this year's holiday commemorating the awesomeness of ancestor worship, take a moment to acknowledge and thank the dead all around us, for their unbending service in circling our planet and patrolling our solar system, protecting us from the brain raping space aliens, known as the Ch'u'umbar from Galaxy X-J17. They're the real deal.
Cancer- You need to be free. You should be running fast and unfettered in the mountains where the baloney grows wild and asparagus can speak english, but with a weird lisp that makes not laughing at them a daunting challenge, and you don't want to insult them lest they curse your pee with devil smell for the rest of your days, cause they have the power to make that stick fer reals, trust me- have the broccoli, way less to deal with. Broccoli likes to be eaten. Can you blame them, who wants to be broccoli 24-7? Bullshit, I choose freedom! Who's with me?!
Leo- If you repeat the word aardvark 6000 times, after one hour the language center of your brain will transmogrify, making you fluent in dutch for about a minute and a half. The freaky-deaky dutch love aardvarks. Aardvark sandwiches, aardvark stew, aardvark paella, etc. ad aard nauseam. I'm fascinated by any word with two weird vowels in a row. The words vacuum and continuum make my naughty parts tingle. Taxiing and skiing make my pants fall down. And then there's muumuu-- a whole other dimension. My sincere genuflection is deep, its transcendent effulgence makes me cream in my spiritual pants. Double down this H-we'en, and make your birthday suit your costume.
Virgo- The outlook for your occasionally humble ascendancy is exceedingly full of ordered mischief that is both profoundly profane and full of piquant misanthropy, rendering your company amusingly annoying and irradiatingly balmy. I strive to be somewhat reticent on the specificity of your sometimes querulous qualities for I know thee to be a impious knave and a slipper feet-wise, particularly regarding the devilish details, which you obsessively plyeth™ through. My advice is to buy some new shoes, you've been walking funny.
Libra- The mind is a cantankerous and unwieldy place, that to organizize™ properly requires luck and the time to do it. Alack, what exquisite torture is the entropic life, forever upending itself both catty and kitty wampus. Organizizing™ is at best a temporary means to maintaining psychic survival. We smart apes. We remember stuff. Ay, the proverbial rub-a-dub. Two words for yous: Bath salts and soapy bubbles-- lots of 'em. Go soak your head and replenish your neurons in luxurious luxuriant luxury, and then repeat. Then fill your brain hole with love in its most gaseous form; at that speed the electrons of love move the fastest, spinning love at its highest vibration. Love remembers all, but as we apes forget to do, love always remembers with compassionate forgiveness.
Scorpio- One of the origins of trick-or-treating began in the middle ages, when on Hallowmass, or All-Saints-Day, children would be given 'soul cakes' in exchange for prayers for the dead. Soul cakes---raisins and herring....Mmmmm... Anyway, ancestor worship is so Sumeria circa blah blah BCE, dude, Before the Common era, yo! The future merits your praise. Consider your offspring and their offspring and so on down the ol' ma and pa-trilineal line. While understanding the past is vital to not repeating it, seek thou to worship what is to come. Pay the homage forward, and bake me some soul cakes with chocolate chips and don't be stingy with the herring.
Sagittarius- Pi, or π, but not pie unless it gooseberry, and even then odds are it's a cobbler, very subtle difference to be sure, but one of some importance considering the ongoing mortgage crisis and the falling price of used underwear... is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter. Any circle. Any f***ing circle... anywhere. Pi times the square of the radius is the area of any f***ing circle too. F***ingA, paisan. The constancy of standing on level ground while sailing the high seas is an ever widening river that you think you need to cross. What if, and I'm just saying hypof***ingthetically what the f*** if that river is actually a circle, like a water snake eating its own tail, and the end is never nigh, but rather never ending.
Capricorn- The tradition of shaving and ducking, where new sailors' are shaved and then dunked into the ocean as they cross the Tropic of Cancer, wasn't always so pleasantly frat-like. If we de-volve the practice to an earlier century, it was called keelhauling, a punishment which entailed being dragged by a rope beneath the keel of a ship, where you could either be scraped all to hell by barnacles and nearly drown, or if you were lucky, just drown. The 1500's were rough at sea, hella pirates. Luckily, you are now a mere few days away from a good friendly dunking. The waters here are empowering and will make you smell like fresh baked cinnamon raisin bread. It is a delicious delirious delirium to be even a dream of you.
Aquarius- Beware the paralysis caused by the over analysis. Or as the french say, 'if you over think think, your dink dink won't go bink bink and all the women will laugh and snigger.' Irregardless™ of the inescapable french refusal to use non racial stereotypes when referring to male genitalia, no surprise there..., and in the style of DesCartes or even Richelieu, one must eat of human to be human, or as Napoleon claimed from Elba, "Je suis une general je ne sais quoi." These roses are for you, Aquarius, please smell them and render your opinion via text to π77345, then press the any key, and remove your pants forthwith, the time has come and we need your leadership.
Pisces- In the movie Bridesmaids, the cop love interest with the weird accent that never really got explained, turns out he was right, and you freaked out when somebody (over)-liked you, and now we're stuck. Which is not dis-ironically apropos. This Virgo girl I know from years past, who maybe, yeah I should have married, but it's too late now, water, bridge, etc-- such a kerfuffle. Henceforth, I cease and desist all hostilities, irregardless™ of causation (yours) and will henceforth welcome you with open arms, but a wary eye.
addendum of the damned
Should thou feel'st cheated, thy horrorscope ne'er actually horrific, nor blood curdling, nay not e'e'n slightly boo-tastic, yea console thy soul with this super scary thought: someday, our sun will explode! Boo, scary. Witches!, ----aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh, ... glurgle™, glurgle™, blood clogging my throat like a dirty pipe with poop and hair in it... aortic and colonic shutdown imminent....gooey fluids....so much gooey fluids...
strangely, i smell copper and angel feet....last breath coming soon
...agghhhhh....hssssssss.... Isadore, my one true love, I will be with you soon......
I am expired. Beware my haunting. Probably sometime in late february. Leap year approaching... iCalendar loading slow...will email you to schedule---
What's that?----Bhudda?!?!?!?.....what are you doing in heaven?
-- What do you mean I'm vegan now too!?!?
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....!
a weekly Horrorscope, appearing every Thursday...
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Dr. Pants McTurd's Eerily True Horror-scopes
disclaimer: satire is capable of inciting rebellious thoughts, take liberally.
this week: big dudes wear big shirts. I'm a medium.
Aries- When creating a proper moniker or nom de plume for yourself, it is best to find the middle ground between a name that sounds high falutin' so as to appeal to the elite who have more money than taste or humility; and the hoi polloi, the unwashed masses of the world who prefer a name that is easily accessible and usually misspelled like most hip hop names. You could use your real name I suppose, but how pedestrian, how faux-shizzle™. Now is the perfect time to make yourself bigger than you are. Keep in mind, however that T. Love Peacock has already been taken.
Taurus- Passionate memories seem to improve as "the wine in the bottle dwindles". Don't let the world's passion for declivity bring you down. I suggest doing something dangerous, like cliff diving or rattlesnake taunting. Unless you prefer vanilla, in which case I recommend going crazy with some cookies and milk, and maybe catch some episodes of Full House. Keep in mind, however that the multiverse loves bold moves and crazy stunts, especially if you fall and break your ass. Leap and the net will appear-- theoretically.
Gemini- Probosticate™ is a word I just made up that means to predict the future with your nose. And right now, the future smells like oncoming funky. In your future, I'm getting a whiff of butterscotch and salmon. Maybe asbestos and roofing tar. The point is that right around your next corner is some truly weird shit. I can smell it. Yet be not afeared of the impending shit. The nature of this shit is more like ice cream. And not shit flavored ice cream, but like chocolate chip salmon, or armpit broccoli. Your future is a weird miasma of Mmmm...interesting. Eat it and smile.
Cancer- When I was a kid, I loved the show Riptide-- typical 80's detective show, except they lived on a boat! When translated into german, Riptide became Trio Mit Vier Fausten, or Trio with Four Fists, I assume because there was two tough guys and one nerd, and nerds don't know how to make a fist. But we nerds know how to make a fist, it's just that we're smarter than that. Violence is a human foible, not one that is extant or indicative of the entire 'verse. Nerds love science, right? And all the 'verses are evolving towards love, right? So, stop fighting and join the rest of your family in the River.
Leo- Life is a sucker punch. Always upending your shit at the most inopportune moments, those moments when you're too focused on the downfall of intelligent civilization and the inherent and inescapable effects of gamma rays on man in the moon marigolds, not to mention whatever you ate for lunch is repeating on you like a syndicated sitcom. Life is indeed a box of chocolates and some of them may be filled with salmon. But don't fear the future, bite down with gusto into that chocolate covered salmon and chase it with some avocado brandy. Go big or go home, and there's no crying baseball, especially when my Cards are gonna take this shit home!
Virgo- Whether you call it solipsism or samsara, they require some pretty big assumptions that require unattainable proof and probably miss the point of the whole multiverse. But then again I'm no dualist. Or even a duelist for that matter. I am an empiricist, one however that attempts to remain in accord with the vast sea of knowledge that is simply beyond the current grasp of this semi-evolved, slightly taller than most single celled organisms man-ape. Order is an illusion. We're moving sand around on a cosmic beach. Have a beer and a crepe and pretend for five seconds that you don't know what you're talking about.
Libra- The mustache has been kidnapped, co-opted and hornswoggled, mostly by pop culture of the 1970's, and I believe unfairly so. I once grew a 'stache so powerful that it could read peoples' minds. This other guy I know, I think his name was Magnum, he grew a mustache that could stop time. I think he solved a lot of crimes that way. Charlie Chaplin's mustache had the power to attract women in their 20's. And of course... Burt Reynolds. Irregardless of sex, you should get a mustache and show us your macho. Everything I've ever learned I've learned from Cannonball Run... If you're gonna be a bear, BE A GRIZZLY!!
Scorpio- The saint-soldier combo is a heavy sword to hone. Although Henry V and Joan of Arc came awfully close. There's too many inherent conflicts of interest. Saints aren't supposed to be riding into battle and soldiers rarely have time for introspection. Killing people is a full time business. Turns out that saintliness also permits very little personal time, way hella praying. If you can find a way to cross pollenate your saints and soldiers into one cogent personality, then you could fight evil, merge with the divine, and maybe even stop getting ripped off by TicketMaster. However, beware the philosophically slippery slope that begins with believing in the phrase:
'I pray for everything I kill and I kill everything that I pray for.'
Sagittarius- The Spouse Approval Factor means that if your partner likes it, you may buy that stereo, that car, or that cell phone. This implies that whoever you are with has better taste than you do, so defer to their authority and do what you're told-- you're lucky to get anything at all. I assume that also means that if you're single and live alone that everything you've ever bought for your home is an ugly piece of crap. If only you'd factored in the cost of a style consultant when purchasing your last couch, then maybe your dreams wouldn't be haunted by art deco curtains, argyle underwear and neon tube tops. Grow a pair, and don't listen to anybody.
Capricorn- That staticky™ sound a record makes after it has played its last track for me evokes the late 1970's. A hundred years before that, if you wanted music, your only listening option was to hear it played live, by actual people. Ten thousand years before the late 1870's, things were even more limited. When you're in the middle of an ice age, you're probably playing music and dancing just to keep your extremities from freezing. Ten million years before the Holocene Epoch, the only music was the sound of all the 'verses breathing, evolving and trying to figure out a way to create a record player. Long journey to get to Sketches of Spain played on a hi-fi, but well worth the wait.
Aquarius- Can't usually implies won't. Conversely, yes usually means more, please and don't stop. And to make things more unclear, no does not always mean no. Sometimes it means yes please, but don't cross the line. Furthermore, you may not claim the divine right of kings to justify the hole you drilled through the wall into your neighbor's shower. You may, however, plead the fifth. Words and intentions are a quagmire of "half deserted streets that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent". Stop relying on them. Show me, don't tell me.
Pisces- While Teddy Roosevelt was campaigning in 1912, he was shot in the chest, the bullet going through a folded 50 page speech in his pocket and lodging in his torso. He then decided he was fine, and gave the 90 minute speech anyway. We get it, dude, you're a bull moose-- good for you. The bullet was more dangerous to remove so it stayed inside his chest for the rest of his life. But you're no Teddy Roosevelt. You're not even a bull moose, but consider removing all those bullets you've been lodging for probably far too long. You'll feel better and you'll stop being that annoying person that sets off airport metal detectors.
disclaimer: satire is capable of inciting rebellious thoughts, take liberally.
this week: big dudes wear big shirts. I'm a medium.
Aries- When creating a proper moniker or nom de plume for yourself, it is best to find the middle ground between a name that sounds high falutin' so as to appeal to the elite who have more money than taste or humility; and the hoi polloi, the unwashed masses of the world who prefer a name that is easily accessible and usually misspelled like most hip hop names. You could use your real name I suppose, but how pedestrian, how faux-shizzle™. Now is the perfect time to make yourself bigger than you are. Keep in mind, however that T. Love Peacock has already been taken.
Taurus- Passionate memories seem to improve as "the wine in the bottle dwindles". Don't let the world's passion for declivity bring you down. I suggest doing something dangerous, like cliff diving or rattlesnake taunting. Unless you prefer vanilla, in which case I recommend going crazy with some cookies and milk, and maybe catch some episodes of Full House. Keep in mind, however that the multiverse loves bold moves and crazy stunts, especially if you fall and break your ass. Leap and the net will appear-- theoretically.
Gemini- Probosticate™ is a word I just made up that means to predict the future with your nose. And right now, the future smells like oncoming funky. In your future, I'm getting a whiff of butterscotch and salmon. Maybe asbestos and roofing tar. The point is that right around your next corner is some truly weird shit. I can smell it. Yet be not afeared of the impending shit. The nature of this shit is more like ice cream. And not shit flavored ice cream, but like chocolate chip salmon, or armpit broccoli. Your future is a weird miasma of Mmmm...interesting. Eat it and smile.
Cancer- When I was a kid, I loved the show Riptide-- typical 80's detective show, except they lived on a boat! When translated into german, Riptide became Trio Mit Vier Fausten, or Trio with Four Fists, I assume because there was two tough guys and one nerd, and nerds don't know how to make a fist. But we nerds know how to make a fist, it's just that we're smarter than that. Violence is a human foible, not one that is extant or indicative of the entire 'verse. Nerds love science, right? And all the 'verses are evolving towards love, right? So, stop fighting and join the rest of your family in the River.
Leo- Life is a sucker punch. Always upending your shit at the most inopportune moments, those moments when you're too focused on the downfall of intelligent civilization and the inherent and inescapable effects of gamma rays on man in the moon marigolds, not to mention whatever you ate for lunch is repeating on you like a syndicated sitcom. Life is indeed a box of chocolates and some of them may be filled with salmon. But don't fear the future, bite down with gusto into that chocolate covered salmon and chase it with some avocado brandy. Go big or go home, and there's no crying baseball, especially when my Cards are gonna take this shit home!
Virgo- Whether you call it solipsism or samsara, they require some pretty big assumptions that require unattainable proof and probably miss the point of the whole multiverse. But then again I'm no dualist. Or even a duelist for that matter. I am an empiricist, one however that attempts to remain in accord with the vast sea of knowledge that is simply beyond the current grasp of this semi-evolved, slightly taller than most single celled organisms man-ape. Order is an illusion. We're moving sand around on a cosmic beach. Have a beer and a crepe and pretend for five seconds that you don't know what you're talking about.
Libra- The mustache has been kidnapped, co-opted and hornswoggled, mostly by pop culture of the 1970's, and I believe unfairly so. I once grew a 'stache so powerful that it could read peoples' minds. This other guy I know, I think his name was Magnum, he grew a mustache that could stop time. I think he solved a lot of crimes that way. Charlie Chaplin's mustache had the power to attract women in their 20's. And of course... Burt Reynolds. Irregardless of sex, you should get a mustache and show us your macho. Everything I've ever learned I've learned from Cannonball Run... If you're gonna be a bear, BE A GRIZZLY!!
Scorpio- The saint-soldier combo is a heavy sword to hone. Although Henry V and Joan of Arc came awfully close. There's too many inherent conflicts of interest. Saints aren't supposed to be riding into battle and soldiers rarely have time for introspection. Killing people is a full time business. Turns out that saintliness also permits very little personal time, way hella praying. If you can find a way to cross pollenate your saints and soldiers into one cogent personality, then you could fight evil, merge with the divine, and maybe even stop getting ripped off by TicketMaster. However, beware the philosophically slippery slope that begins with believing in the phrase:
'I pray for everything I kill and I kill everything that I pray for.'
Sagittarius- The Spouse Approval Factor means that if your partner likes it, you may buy that stereo, that car, or that cell phone. This implies that whoever you are with has better taste than you do, so defer to their authority and do what you're told-- you're lucky to get anything at all. I assume that also means that if you're single and live alone that everything you've ever bought for your home is an ugly piece of crap. If only you'd factored in the cost of a style consultant when purchasing your last couch, then maybe your dreams wouldn't be haunted by art deco curtains, argyle underwear and neon tube tops. Grow a pair, and don't listen to anybody.
Capricorn- That staticky™ sound a record makes after it has played its last track for me evokes the late 1970's. A hundred years before that, if you wanted music, your only listening option was to hear it played live, by actual people. Ten thousand years before the late 1870's, things were even more limited. When you're in the middle of an ice age, you're probably playing music and dancing just to keep your extremities from freezing. Ten million years before the Holocene Epoch, the only music was the sound of all the 'verses breathing, evolving and trying to figure out a way to create a record player. Long journey to get to Sketches of Spain played on a hi-fi, but well worth the wait.
Aquarius- Can't usually implies won't. Conversely, yes usually means more, please and don't stop. And to make things more unclear, no does not always mean no. Sometimes it means yes please, but don't cross the line. Furthermore, you may not claim the divine right of kings to justify the hole you drilled through the wall into your neighbor's shower. You may, however, plead the fifth. Words and intentions are a quagmire of "half deserted streets that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent". Stop relying on them. Show me, don't tell me.
Pisces- While Teddy Roosevelt was campaigning in 1912, he was shot in the chest, the bullet going through a folded 50 page speech in his pocket and lodging in his torso. He then decided he was fine, and gave the 90 minute speech anyway. We get it, dude, you're a bull moose-- good for you. The bullet was more dangerous to remove so it stayed inside his chest for the rest of his life. But you're no Teddy Roosevelt. You're not even a bull moose, but consider removing all those bullets you've been lodging for probably far too long. You'll feel better and you'll stop being that annoying person that sets off airport metal detectors.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Dr. Pants McTurd's Eerily True Horror-scopes
disclaimer: in a less ironic world satire would be free, but Daddy likes to eat.
this week: all petards are not equal, but eventually we all get hoisted
Aries- Ahhhh, the benevolent sociopath. Seldom seen in nature, he/she is the most elusive of angelic vigilantes, cutting only those throats that deserve severing. Benevolent tyrants too, they're a another rare breed, someone to watch over us with a gentle gloved fist. And then there's autonomy, and all that free will nonsense, democracy and pursuit of either crappy or happy ness, and etc. Yet forsooth, bear in mind that these concepts are merely templates for your consciousness, providing a latticework for your fruitful mind. There lies truth in none of them.
Taurus- There are many ways to ruin a Barbie doll. The obvious choices being fire, or hot glue, or my personal favorite- a little homestyle C-4 made from old batteries and toothpaste. But let's think along lines skewed towards the psycho-social experiment, like back when Eddie Murphy made films for adults. Make the doll into a politician. Or a prostitute-- the fine line between those two, I'll save for a future rant. Or make her part of the janitorial staff that has to clean up after Barney concert where someone spiked the fruit punch with Jeager, and one of the guys in costume has a coronary from heat exhaustion from wearing those ridiculous suits under hot stage lights. My point is that your life is going pretty well, be thankful.
Gemini- According the "internet", the odds of dating a supermodel are 88,000 to 1. The odds of convincing your current lover to make a sex video together are more like 12 to 1. However, keep in mind that the chances of dying from ignition or melting of one's own pajamas is 30,589,556 to 1. There can be a lot of friction in there, so be sure to keep a fire extinguisher nearby when conducting your odds experiments. And to increase your chances even further, sleep naked and if you promise to never share those videos on any "internet", I will totally make a video with you.
Cancer- The Giant Pangolin is like a combination of an armadillo, anteater and a sloth. Just like the Ecuadorian Tube Lipped Nectar Bat, they have tongues that porn stars can only dream of, that can extend up to 40cm. They curl up into a ball if they're threatened, and they have well developed problem solving skills, primarily devoted to finding food. Ants and termites--- Yum! All that hiding, armor plating and insect sucking is great and all, but it's a bit aloof. The Great Pangolin Jamboree is coming up, so I suggest you start practicing your social skills. Even an armor plated trenggiling needs to party once in awhile. Have a beer, and try the brown ants-- they're suuuuper juicy.
Leo- Eggs benedict are not all traitorous by nature. Although one time I saw a group of them loitering near the nursing home where that crippled old cartel guy rang a bell and blew up the Chilean guy with Walter's homemade bomb. However, simply because of a few bad ova, it would be irresponsible to condemn all eggs. Also, however, I will not stop eating eggs benedict. I will also not stop singing death-to-Arnold chants every July 4th. May all your benedictions contain the seeds of liberation with a healthy helping of hollandaise and shots of really nice whiskey.
Virgo- If you're OCD, the phrase 'one more time' has a very special meaning. Repeating behavior is like a magic panacea that makes my brain feel like everything's okay. Even if you're not OCD, having endless 'one more times' sounds like a great idea. Just imagine-- one more first kiss, one more chocolate souffle from this little place I know on the Ile de St. Louis in Paris, one more drive up the coast on a perfect summer day, one more beer, or one more chance meeting with a long lost love. Of course being OCD, I also have to consider the down side: one more trip to the dentist, one more visit to the proctologist, one more drive up the hellscape of the 405. Good and evil are bullshit terms. Walk the middle path, and when you see Bhudda, tell him I'll be about 10 minutes late for the donuts, a ritual that we call Donuts and Deism-- makes him laugh like a 4 year old.
Libra- 85% of the time it works all the time. However, due to alleged big pharma malfeasance, 24% of the time you will be 85% closer to a nervous breakdown than you were 28% ago, so try to stay to this side of the 48% of the time that over 63% of people say they experience nausea or dizziness, and the 15% of people that experience dizzy gillespianism™. I predict that you will be 100% successful at least 45% of the time, and that is 78% true. You can take 93% of that to the proverbial bank! Good luck, and bring a change of pants.
Scorpio- One of my favorite terrible shows when I was a kid was Riptide, about two army buddies who run a detective agency on a boat, along with the help of a misanthropic computer geek and his orange robot. It ran three seasons. They also had a big pink helicopter and yet another super fast speed boat; and they would solve crimes, get chicks and have lots of laughs and friendship along the way. So far my life hasn't turned out like I planned-- no boat, no robot, no detective agency, and I've solved zero crimes. You, on the other hand, are kicking ass all over the marina. And btw nice chopper!
Sagittarius- I propose that we stop using the word retarded in general conversation when describing something inane or fubar. Insensitive labels are for beauty magazines and insensitive jerks with too much money and too little brains. Here's a brand new substitute word I just invented-- Petarded™, as in 'A dumbass who has been hoisted by his own petard'. You are an evolved beast that should lead the rest of us hoi polloi into the promised land of equanimity, acceptance and love. Don't blow yourself up with petarded words. Their cut is the deepest because they prey on our inherent weak spots and differences.
Capricorn- Whatever reputation your ass has acquired, I bet it's deserved. And yes, I'm speaking literally. Your ass-- is known for various reasons in various circles, and I'm sure even you have your own ass oriented opinion. Women in particular too often misrepresent their ass as imperfect in some way. Will it ever be good enough, baby? Quit riding your own ass and be proud of your badonkadonk and the junk that trunk's been holding. For now, start by writing a haiku dedicated to your smokin' assets, and then maybe get a tattoo of your ass on your ass. Imperfection is proof of the divine.
Aquarius- Who in their right mind would want to become a dentist? Or a proctologist? A job is a job, I guess, but really- buttholes and gum scraping, everyday when you show up at the office? What about meter maids or garbage pick up guys, or parking garage attendants? There are many jobs we Aquarii find odious and distasteful, but they are nonetheless an integral part of our society. Where would we be without waste removal or someone to watch over my prostate? Granted, we could probably do with less parking tickets, but my point is our world is multi layered and complex, and there is dignity in every job. We are the 99%, so remember to direct your anger towards proper channels and give your garbage man a tip once in awhile.
Pisces- I just wanted to let you know that you've won. You recycled the patina of my over eager pseudo intellectualism and turned it against me. We all get it-- nobody puts baby in a corner, you're free as a bird. There's no flies on you, and we're all in your rearview. I too relish my escape routes, they are the deepest and most meaningful part of my freedom. Unfortunately, escape rarely makes me happy, usually it only compounds my loneliness. Keep your eyes on the road, lest it curve back around and history repeat.
disclaimer: in a less ironic world satire would be free, but Daddy likes to eat.
this week: all petards are not equal, but eventually we all get hoisted
Aries- Ahhhh, the benevolent sociopath. Seldom seen in nature, he/she is the most elusive of angelic vigilantes, cutting only those throats that deserve severing. Benevolent tyrants too, they're a another rare breed, someone to watch over us with a gentle gloved fist. And then there's autonomy, and all that free will nonsense, democracy and pursuit of either crappy or happy ness, and etc. Yet forsooth, bear in mind that these concepts are merely templates for your consciousness, providing a latticework for your fruitful mind. There lies truth in none of them.
Taurus- There are many ways to ruin a Barbie doll. The obvious choices being fire, or hot glue, or my personal favorite- a little homestyle C-4 made from old batteries and toothpaste. But let's think along lines skewed towards the psycho-social experiment, like back when Eddie Murphy made films for adults. Make the doll into a politician. Or a prostitute-- the fine line between those two, I'll save for a future rant. Or make her part of the janitorial staff that has to clean up after Barney concert where someone spiked the fruit punch with Jeager, and one of the guys in costume has a coronary from heat exhaustion from wearing those ridiculous suits under hot stage lights. My point is that your life is going pretty well, be thankful.
Gemini- According the "internet", the odds of dating a supermodel are 88,000 to 1. The odds of convincing your current lover to make a sex video together are more like 12 to 1. However, keep in mind that the chances of dying from ignition or melting of one's own pajamas is 30,589,556 to 1. There can be a lot of friction in there, so be sure to keep a fire extinguisher nearby when conducting your odds experiments. And to increase your chances even further, sleep naked and if you promise to never share those videos on any "internet", I will totally make a video with you.
Cancer- The Giant Pangolin is like a combination of an armadillo, anteater and a sloth. Just like the Ecuadorian Tube Lipped Nectar Bat, they have tongues that porn stars can only dream of, that can extend up to 40cm. They curl up into a ball if they're threatened, and they have well developed problem solving skills, primarily devoted to finding food. Ants and termites--- Yum! All that hiding, armor plating and insect sucking is great and all, but it's a bit aloof. The Great Pangolin Jamboree is coming up, so I suggest you start practicing your social skills. Even an armor plated trenggiling needs to party once in awhile. Have a beer, and try the brown ants-- they're suuuuper juicy.
Leo- Eggs benedict are not all traitorous by nature. Although one time I saw a group of them loitering near the nursing home where that crippled old cartel guy rang a bell and blew up the Chilean guy with Walter's homemade bomb. However, simply because of a few bad ova, it would be irresponsible to condemn all eggs. Also, however, I will not stop eating eggs benedict. I will also not stop singing death-to-Arnold chants every July 4th. May all your benedictions contain the seeds of liberation with a healthy helping of hollandaise and shots of really nice whiskey.
Virgo- If you're OCD, the phrase 'one more time' has a very special meaning. Repeating behavior is like a magic panacea that makes my brain feel like everything's okay. Even if you're not OCD, having endless 'one more times' sounds like a great idea. Just imagine-- one more first kiss, one more chocolate souffle from this little place I know on the Ile de St. Louis in Paris, one more drive up the coast on a perfect summer day, one more beer, or one more chance meeting with a long lost love. Of course being OCD, I also have to consider the down side: one more trip to the dentist, one more visit to the proctologist, one more drive up the hellscape of the 405. Good and evil are bullshit terms. Walk the middle path, and when you see Bhudda, tell him I'll be about 10 minutes late for the donuts, a ritual that we call Donuts and Deism-- makes him laugh like a 4 year old.
Libra- 85% of the time it works all the time. However, due to alleged big pharma malfeasance, 24% of the time you will be 85% closer to a nervous breakdown than you were 28% ago, so try to stay to this side of the 48% of the time that over 63% of people say they experience nausea or dizziness, and the 15% of people that experience dizzy gillespianism™. I predict that you will be 100% successful at least 45% of the time, and that is 78% true. You can take 93% of that to the proverbial bank! Good luck, and bring a change of pants.
Scorpio- One of my favorite terrible shows when I was a kid was Riptide, about two army buddies who run a detective agency on a boat, along with the help of a misanthropic computer geek and his orange robot. It ran three seasons. They also had a big pink helicopter and yet another super fast speed boat; and they would solve crimes, get chicks and have lots of laughs and friendship along the way. So far my life hasn't turned out like I planned-- no boat, no robot, no detective agency, and I've solved zero crimes. You, on the other hand, are kicking ass all over the marina. And btw nice chopper!
Sagittarius- I propose that we stop using the word retarded in general conversation when describing something inane or fubar. Insensitive labels are for beauty magazines and insensitive jerks with too much money and too little brains. Here's a brand new substitute word I just invented-- Petarded™, as in 'A dumbass who has been hoisted by his own petard'. You are an evolved beast that should lead the rest of us hoi polloi into the promised land of equanimity, acceptance and love. Don't blow yourself up with petarded words. Their cut is the deepest because they prey on our inherent weak spots and differences.
Capricorn- Whatever reputation your ass has acquired, I bet it's deserved. And yes, I'm speaking literally. Your ass-- is known for various reasons in various circles, and I'm sure even you have your own ass oriented opinion. Women in particular too often misrepresent their ass as imperfect in some way. Will it ever be good enough, baby? Quit riding your own ass and be proud of your badonkadonk and the junk that trunk's been holding. For now, start by writing a haiku dedicated to your smokin' assets, and then maybe get a tattoo of your ass on your ass. Imperfection is proof of the divine.
Aquarius- Who in their right mind would want to become a dentist? Or a proctologist? A job is a job, I guess, but really- buttholes and gum scraping, everyday when you show up at the office? What about meter maids or garbage pick up guys, or parking garage attendants? There are many jobs we Aquarii find odious and distasteful, but they are nonetheless an integral part of our society. Where would we be without waste removal or someone to watch over my prostate? Granted, we could probably do with less parking tickets, but my point is our world is multi layered and complex, and there is dignity in every job. We are the 99%, so remember to direct your anger towards proper channels and give your garbage man a tip once in awhile.
Pisces- I just wanted to let you know that you've won. You recycled the patina of my over eager pseudo intellectualism and turned it against me. We all get it-- nobody puts baby in a corner, you're free as a bird. There's no flies on you, and we're all in your rearview. I too relish my escape routes, they are the deepest and most meaningful part of my freedom. Unfortunately, escape rarely makes me happy, usually it only compounds my loneliness. Keep your eyes on the road, lest it curve back around and history repeat.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes
disclaimer: satire is universally beneficial, save for the fragile of ego.
this week: a monster's advice invariably involves smashing.
Aries- So there's this company named Infinity that produces plastic silverware, and on the side of their box of plastic spoons, it says 'Infinity Spoons', a concept I find so befuddling on so many different levels that I become aflummox™ with trepidatious confusion. Putting aside for now the concept of a never ending supply of spoons, (of which I assume the Tick would most whole heartedly approve), their website, 'infintyspply.com-- the only thing missing is u'... takes me further down a road replete with illogical infinities and valid spoonerisms. Set the table and they will come.
Taurus- Your large intestine is the OG in terms of brainage. It has more nerve endings than anywhere else in the body. Gut feelings, intuition, and empathy all originate deep in the bowels of an ancient psyche, one that is masterful in grokking the world, having done it since we were just muck crawling and creeping our way through primordial slime, evolving over millions of years as pure eating machines, becoming brilliant at taking in local energy and changing it into new paradigms, according to our wills, our guts, and our instinct, the roots of which may very well trace back to the intentions of god itself. Ponder that shit. I had a bunch of tacos earlier and my gut needs a nap.
Gemini- The other day someone told me that the blue whale has the largest penis, at like 14 feet-- Uff da. As I pondered this, along with a waking nightmare about giant underwater penises, wreaking havoc on the eastern seaboard of my psyche, I Wiki'd™ 'biggest penis' and it turns out that scientists can only assume that to be true because catching a whale with his ding ding out is no easy task. Speaking of, you're zipped up, right? Nothing flapping in the breeze, either literally or mentally for no reason? Do a double check, make some phone calls and and bake me some cookies with opium in them.
Cancer- "What an astounding thing is the voice! By what miracle is the hot magma of the earth transformed into that which we call speech? If out of clay such an abstract medium as words can be shaped what is to hinder us from leaving our bodies at will and taking up our abode on other planets or between the planets? What is to prevent us from rearranging all life, atomic, molecular, corporeal, stellar, diving? Who or what is powerful enough to eradicate this miraculous leaven which we bear within us like a seed and which, after we have embraced in our mind all the universe, is nothing more than a seed — since to say universe is as easy as to say seed, and we have yet to say greater things, things beyond saying, things limitless and inconceivable, things which no trick of language can encompass." ---Henry Miller 1941. In no way could I have said it better, now get off the pot.
Leo- Great Scott!! I don't who the original great Scott was or what
possible reputation could keep an expression like that on our tongues for going on centuries now, but he must have been pretty neat, or least pretty "great". Whoever your influences are, you should give their spirits an air time plug by invoking their name after a heartfelt 'Great', or maybe 'Super'. They will totally forgive you for stealing from them--- sorry, paying homage to their greatness. Personally, I like to say, 'Great Protuberance!' Avouch your own protuberances grandly and with gusto for free entrance to any southern california fun park or indian casino.
Virgo- Familiarity breeds contempt. Fish and visitors both smell after three days. A bee in your bonnet is worth four incontinent manatees, (although that's a bit redundant!). I don't mean to be a species-ist, but manatees are super gassy, right? They poop a lot is what I heard. Not that there's anything wrong with that; personally I think flatulence is akin to the sound of angels whispering to me the secrets of eternal life. Keep your ears open and if you smell something, it could be the opening bell of your spiritual path beckoning you toward paths unconsidered. Remain unclenched.
Libra- 'I just hit myself in the nuts with this frying pan' is a phrase I hope you never find a need to utter. Also, as odious, 'There's panda in this soup?!!'. But like all things inevitable, or as the French say, sur la evitable, you will most likely utter such absurdity at least once in your life. Embrace the odd, malformed, and the less fortunate. They are truly god's children. There's no way to prepare yourself, but the day will come when the only appropriate phrase will be: 'How did I get a whole avocado up there and how will I get it out?!?'
Scorpio- C, G, T and A. That's all there is. Every DNA strand is a combination of a mere four chemicals. Mathematically, there cannot exist infinite variation at this stage in our evolution, Dave. However, the will of god is infinitely complex, I guess,.. unless it's not. Anyway, maybe it's just our current level of god grok that is finitely complex. Thank god we settled that. I suggest you have a massive portobello prepared by a Celtic shaman circa 1100, and then tell me what you 'think' about 'stuff'. Variations on a theme, my friend, cousins that look just like us, but are really our evil doppelgangers, sent here to jump the shark and tell our secrets of eternal life to the world.
Sagittarius- "The trouble with Buddhism ?-- in order to free oneself of all desire, one has to desire to do so", or so said Henry Miller. The Three Fold Path branches out slyly into more and more complex matrices, composting the number three into uncountable branches of a sacred tree, like armies of water endlessly recycling itself from gas to liquid to solid. But to the point: as Byron said via Tennessee Williams, "One must make voyages, attempt them. There is nothing else". But I doubt I have to remind you of any such rot or falderal.
Capricorn- Weltschmerz is a word only the germans could have invented. It means sentimental pessimism, due to the inevitability and ever pervasive sorrow in life-- Uff da, as my danish grandmother would say. Mein shadenfreude ist giving me eine kopfschmerz, and I should probably lie down with some sauerbraten mit hubschrauber sauce, so as to clear meine head cabbage, ja. The germans should stick to making beer. You should open up your own brewery, or distillery I think. I bet your homemade schnapps would be some wacky, possibly hospitalizing stuff. Don't sweat the small stuff and get "hopping".
Aquarius- If you get off 'scot free', I'm really happy for you, but the fact remains that the origin of the phrase has nothing to do with Scotsmen being slippery weasels. A scot in Olde English, (so old it's spelled with a weird Æ and an umlaut the size of a giant whale penis), was a tax that the king collected as far back as the 1300's, whenever he had pet projects in need of funding, usually a war with the french, but honestly, who hasn't gone to war with the french? They're a maddening people. Anyway, if somehow you could weasel out of this tax, like a weasely Scot for example, then you got off scot free. Free your mind and your body will follow to where no weasely Scotsman may follow.
Pisces- How big is the gravity well produced by the human body? How should we measure it? Surely, it is negligible compared to that of the earth, or the sun, or a supernova turned black hole, or yay god the sum total of the 'verses squeezed into a ball, and rolled toward some 'overwhelming question', to say Lazarus is still dead, he's always been dead, and the future is ubiquitous and hoary. Yet fear not, fate is snarkily™ fickle, it's weaves adjustable and undecided. Thou wilt find answerable sequestration to the bullshit that plagues you.
disclaimer: satire is universally beneficial, save for the fragile of ego.
this week: a monster's advice invariably involves smashing.
Aries- So there's this company named Infinity that produces plastic silverware, and on the side of their box of plastic spoons, it says 'Infinity Spoons', a concept I find so befuddling on so many different levels that I become aflummox™ with trepidatious confusion. Putting aside for now the concept of a never ending supply of spoons, (of which I assume the Tick would most whole heartedly approve), their website, 'infintyspply.com-- the only thing missing is u'... takes me further down a road replete with illogical infinities and valid spoonerisms. Set the table and they will come.
Taurus- Your large intestine is the OG in terms of brainage. It has more nerve endings than anywhere else in the body. Gut feelings, intuition, and empathy all originate deep in the bowels of an ancient psyche, one that is masterful in grokking the world, having done it since we were just muck crawling and creeping our way through primordial slime, evolving over millions of years as pure eating machines, becoming brilliant at taking in local energy and changing it into new paradigms, according to our wills, our guts, and our instinct, the roots of which may very well trace back to the intentions of god itself. Ponder that shit. I had a bunch of tacos earlier and my gut needs a nap.
Gemini- The other day someone told me that the blue whale has the largest penis, at like 14 feet-- Uff da. As I pondered this, along with a waking nightmare about giant underwater penises, wreaking havoc on the eastern seaboard of my psyche, I Wiki'd™ 'biggest penis' and it turns out that scientists can only assume that to be true because catching a whale with his ding ding out is no easy task. Speaking of, you're zipped up, right? Nothing flapping in the breeze, either literally or mentally for no reason? Do a double check, make some phone calls and and bake me some cookies with opium in them.
Cancer- "What an astounding thing is the voice! By what miracle is the hot magma of the earth transformed into that which we call speech? If out of clay such an abstract medium as words can be shaped what is to hinder us from leaving our bodies at will and taking up our abode on other planets or between the planets? What is to prevent us from rearranging all life, atomic, molecular, corporeal, stellar, diving? Who or what is powerful enough to eradicate this miraculous leaven which we bear within us like a seed and which, after we have embraced in our mind all the universe, is nothing more than a seed — since to say universe is as easy as to say seed, and we have yet to say greater things, things beyond saying, things limitless and inconceivable, things which no trick of language can encompass." ---Henry Miller 1941. In no way could I have said it better, now get off the pot.
Leo- Great Scott!! I don't who the original great Scott was or what
possible reputation could keep an expression like that on our tongues for going on centuries now, but he must have been pretty neat, or least pretty "great". Whoever your influences are, you should give their spirits an air time plug by invoking their name after a heartfelt 'Great', or maybe 'Super'. They will totally forgive you for stealing from them--- sorry, paying homage to their greatness. Personally, I like to say, 'Great Protuberance!' Avouch your own protuberances grandly and with gusto for free entrance to any southern california fun park or indian casino.
Virgo- Familiarity breeds contempt. Fish and visitors both smell after three days. A bee in your bonnet is worth four incontinent manatees, (although that's a bit redundant!). I don't mean to be a species-ist, but manatees are super gassy, right? They poop a lot is what I heard. Not that there's anything wrong with that; personally I think flatulence is akin to the sound of angels whispering to me the secrets of eternal life. Keep your ears open and if you smell something, it could be the opening bell of your spiritual path beckoning you toward paths unconsidered. Remain unclenched.
Libra- 'I just hit myself in the nuts with this frying pan' is a phrase I hope you never find a need to utter. Also, as odious, 'There's panda in this soup?!!'. But like all things inevitable, or as the French say, sur la evitable, you will most likely utter such absurdity at least once in your life. Embrace the odd, malformed, and the less fortunate. They are truly god's children. There's no way to prepare yourself, but the day will come when the only appropriate phrase will be: 'How did I get a whole avocado up there and how will I get it out?!?'
Scorpio- C, G, T and A. That's all there is. Every DNA strand is a combination of a mere four chemicals. Mathematically, there cannot exist infinite variation at this stage in our evolution, Dave. However, the will of god is infinitely complex, I guess,.. unless it's not. Anyway, maybe it's just our current level of god grok that is finitely complex. Thank god we settled that. I suggest you have a massive portobello prepared by a Celtic shaman circa 1100, and then tell me what you 'think' about 'stuff'. Variations on a theme, my friend, cousins that look just like us, but are really our evil doppelgangers, sent here to jump the shark and tell our secrets of eternal life to the world.
Sagittarius- "The trouble with Buddhism ?-- in order to free oneself of all desire, one has to desire to do so", or so said Henry Miller. The Three Fold Path branches out slyly into more and more complex matrices, composting the number three into uncountable branches of a sacred tree, like armies of water endlessly recycling itself from gas to liquid to solid. But to the point: as Byron said via Tennessee Williams, "One must make voyages, attempt them. There is nothing else". But I doubt I have to remind you of any such rot or falderal.
Capricorn- Weltschmerz is a word only the germans could have invented. It means sentimental pessimism, due to the inevitability and ever pervasive sorrow in life-- Uff da, as my danish grandmother would say. Mein shadenfreude ist giving me eine kopfschmerz, and I should probably lie down with some sauerbraten mit hubschrauber sauce, so as to clear meine head cabbage, ja. The germans should stick to making beer. You should open up your own brewery, or distillery I think. I bet your homemade schnapps would be some wacky, possibly hospitalizing stuff. Don't sweat the small stuff and get "hopping".
Aquarius- If you get off 'scot free', I'm really happy for you, but the fact remains that the origin of the phrase has nothing to do with Scotsmen being slippery weasels. A scot in Olde English, (so old it's spelled with a weird Æ and an umlaut the size of a giant whale penis), was a tax that the king collected as far back as the 1300's, whenever he had pet projects in need of funding, usually a war with the french, but honestly, who hasn't gone to war with the french? They're a maddening people. Anyway, if somehow you could weasel out of this tax, like a weasely Scot for example, then you got off scot free. Free your mind and your body will follow to where no weasely Scotsman may follow.
Pisces- How big is the gravity well produced by the human body? How should we measure it? Surely, it is negligible compared to that of the earth, or the sun, or a supernova turned black hole, or yay god the sum total of the 'verses squeezed into a ball, and rolled toward some 'overwhelming question', to say Lazarus is still dead, he's always been dead, and the future is ubiquitous and hoary. Yet fear not, fate is snarkily™ fickle, it's weaves adjustable and undecided. Thou wilt find answerable sequestration to the bullshit that plagues you.
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