Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –The Dr Pants is stoked to point out that you’re within a muggeseggele of achieving the greatest achievement out of all the achieving achievers that have ever achieved, Lebowski or otherwise. You’re gonna hit pay dirt mucho pronto, paisan, and I thought you should prepare thyself for the onslaught of yummy on the way to your honey lovin’ tummy. A muggeseggele, btw, is an idiomatic term referring to the approximate length of a fly’s wiener. Ergo, you’re like super close to awesome town. Just try to act surprised. In fact, I’ve said too much. Forget what you have read. Save you it can.

♉ Taurus –Quick astro primer before we get to the juicy lunar sweet spot you bulls are about to hit: we get 12 new moons per year and 12 full ones, right, and each sign gets one full moon in its home base once per annum, and it’s that time again, we just had a new moon in Scorp and on the 6^th we get a full moon in constellation Taurus. Woo hoo, right! More primer: during a full lunation, the Sun and Moon are on opposite sides of the Earth, in a careful balance between the Bull and the Scorpion, betwixt birth and rebirth, an Einstein Rosen Bridge spanning this life and the next one. It’s your half birthday, which does not imply that you should half ass this party. Get weird for Halloween.

♊ Gemini –After all the tumult, hulla balloo, falderall, horse hockey and inappropriate gerrund usements of this past, some might say, infamous October, and despite our Sun being immersed in the chthonic waters of the allegedly unkillable sky scorpion kniown as Scorpius, we have this full moon on the 6^th in the sign of Taurus, and all these Taurean Scorpionic themes like birth and rebirth, real and unreal and even more unreal, are all over the place like a Rothko or a Dali, symbolism and ideaology splayed and spread eagled across the sky like a patient etherized upon a table. The full moon should bring clarity and wisdom to all that ruckus and ruin. Let your spirit go and your body will follow.

♋ Cancer –Deep in Scorpionic Sun times we are, and on the 6^th we get a full moon in Taurus the bull—it’s geometry and it’s boring, but at a full moon the Earth, Moon and Sun are in a straight line, with the Earth in the middle—full lunation, friends! Furtherly Scorp and Taurus are opposite/equal to each other in the zodiac, bonding a water sign with an earth sign, and actually all three water signs are on the opposite side of the wheel/sky from earth signs, for example Cancer is opposite Capricorn. Scorp and Taurus relate to planting vs harvest time, spring vs fall, birth vs rebirth, and sex vs really dirty sex. Ergo, it’s an excellent week for new ideas, realizations, epiphanies and possible time travel. Get weird for Halloween, the Moon will protect you.

♌ Leo –The Dr Pants is woe to tell ya that you’ve had your cathexis and catharsis totally ass backwards and people are beginning to ask uncomfortable questions. The relationship between the two can be complimentary, and hopefully the former follows the latter. A cathexis is the investment of mental or emotional energy—want, desire, id, etc, into a person, object or idea, and yes sir, it can be constipated—fixation, plantation, feet to the ground while the sky spins on above us. And catharsis is freedom, from such things as, well… a cathexis. Celestially speaking it’s an excellent time to follow your bliss—tis the season for catch and release. Spread yourself sky-wise and free yourself from pointless and outmoded qualms, hang ups, and impediments of all ilk. Don’t cathexis—cathartic!

♍ Virgo –Recently a globster was sighted on your pristine shoreline, just south and east of your medulla oblongata. A globster btw is an unidentified mass of organic material that washes landward and confuses everyone, as neurons and beachgoers struggle in vain to figure out what the hell that thing is. Is it a whale? A giant squid? The governor of New Jersey? Whatever it is, your subconscious needs you to see it, identify it, and then cleanse your beach by rolling it (the globster) gently back into the sea to be reclaimed by the Piscean waters of your inner self. Full moon on the 6^th and weird shite from the deep—breeeeathe, and treat yourself to something long desired and deserved.

♎ Libra –The net effect of October, celestially speaking, is akin to being thrown into a washing machine filled with uncomfortably high temps and stuck on spin for way too long, with a distinct lack of a fabric softening period, where we could all relax, soak up some fresh smelling chemicals and then spin some more, hoping to settle out with original pine tree forest scent, a modicum of decorum, and a new perspective and prospectus, launching us into the future that is November, but first—there’s Day of the Dead, a rememberance of souls sailed past us, and a peek behind the curtain of forever. Full moon in Taurus on the 6^th will make everything right that’s wrong, turn inside out whatever’s outside in, and bring all mileage back to zero. Dust yourself off, it’s a new day, a new month and a new and improved mindset.  

♏ Scorpio –You’ll be glad to know that the souls of your ancestors flow thru you like magma coming to surface after long periods of intense pressure and heat. That said, despite the astronmical background the Dr Pants is also a theoretical physicist and cannot currently deny the possibility that if our life force could be determined scientifially, that perhaps even if we die as part of this dimensional string, that does not exclude our existence as energy, in some other form on some other plain/plane/brane and that maybe everything is truly ONE, like it’s really WE, the royal WE, all of us together, excluding no one because mercy is ubiquitous and impossible to deny. Whatever you want, and it’s probably unconventional, now is the time for it to fall into your lap. Happy birthday, you sweet sexy venomless arachnid.

♐ Sagittarius –Honestly, if the Dr Pants were a Sag, he’d be stoked right now, here’s some why: the sky reeks of Scorpio energy, which means examination, transformation and a move to a higher energy level, specfically Sagittarius Sun times that are the result of the transmorgrifications of the current Scorpion Sun. The full moon’s in Taurus on the 6^th, which if you don’t over indulge on the physical pleasures, Sag folks should be abuzz with epiphanies, insights and game changing information. Eat, drink and make merry fer sure, but you’ll want some clarity for the data dump you’re about to receive. Reap the cosmic whirlwinds and alter your earthbound pov.  

♑ Capricorn –You only get Mars in your sign every so often, so the next few weeks are perfect for waging war either co- or overtly, toppling dictators, nation building and supporting fledgling democracy dammit, for all those who need it, right? With the Sun in Scorpius, the giant unkillable sky scorpion, who eats transcendental transformational enlightenment for breakfast, and Mars in Capricorn, your powers of persuasion may be difficult to deflect, defer or defend against. But then we have la pièce de résistance, a full moon on the 6^th in Taurus, your little brother earth sign who knows just how you like things done. Chill out, have a schnitzel, wave your wand and tell the multiverse what you want. It has deep pockets and it owes you.

Aquarius ♒ -Radical yet toe curlingly pleasing changes are afoot and apace and if you’re not paying attention, several trains may be departing without you on them, respectively. That said, these last two eclipses have either focussed the matter, or scattered it, which is the Aquarian preference to be sure, but intellect cannot ignore the need to make certain decisions, implying that one should live with them, alter them when possible, and cease and desist all possible energy wasted upon frivolous worrying, obsessions and other similar time sucks. This life is absurdly short, and this is not a week to fritter away. Choose, then choose more, and then choose more, like cards in a game with no rules. Cast aside doubt and angle for some really big fish. For a while anyway, you got the touch.  

♓ Pisces –Pisces and Capricorns should never be drinking buddies, the consequences would be disastrous, neither of you know when to say enough and even tho Pisces handle it better, it’s not safe you guys in a room with booze on hand. That said, Mars alleged planet of action and supposedly war, is now in Capricorn, who if left to his own devices will win whatever war you got through planning and diligence, just don’t get the general drunk just because hey, it’s a Tuesday! In closing, full moon on the 6^th in Taurus the Bull and mucho Scorpio Sun, so think like a mullet, business up front party in back, and despite your party party proclivities don’t celebrate early. Obligations first, then get weird for Halloween.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries – Whizz bangs, ‪déjà views, a total protonic reversal, and maybe even flying space monkeys armed with boomerangs may be swishing and swashbuckling thru your space in the next week, and here’s some why: as of the 23^rd we have a new moon in Scorpio, a partial solar eclipse—which happens twice per annum btw—the Sun also moves into Scorpio and if that’s not enough for the likes of an Aries like you, Venus named for Aphrodite, yet containing one of the most hostile environs in our system, she also moves into Scorpio for the next few weeks. And while Scorps have a sting first, ask stupid questions later reputation, Aries is one of the few signs who really gets off on all the tumult, soul searching and chaos—just make sure you know where you left your pants, because this next week or so could be revolutionary, mind begooggling and long term.

♉ Taurus –Quick astro primer: we get four eclipses per year, two solar and two lunar. That said, we had a full lunar two weeks ago and on the 23^rd we get a partial solar, and in between these two eclipsii, little bastard Mercury has been retrograde moving back into Libra leaving the path not taken to be like wtf, only to move forward once again as of the 25^th, which leads the Dr Pants to advise bullish types like you to imagine a world where you actually get a second chance, and this never happens in an entropic multiverse, everything changing all the frikking time—possibly the whole point of the ‘verse in fact might be to never ever never do the same thing twice. That said, this week you may espy an opportunity to make a different choice, utilize a better option and redress whatever is naked and wrong. Choose something else.  

♊ Gemini –This week may seem like a Choose Your Own Adventure book that you’re reading a second time thru, hoping for a better alternative to falling into a pit, crashing on a remote island or a trip to the dentist. The multiverse almost never ever never lets the same thing happen twice, it would seem like a cop out considering how vast the scale, right? But this week, due to retrograde bullshite, partial solar eclipses, new moons and Mars heading for Sagittarius horse country as of the 26^th, this week you may have a chance to do, think or believe something again but in a different light. Make a new choice, pick a new direction and fear not cross trade winds or crappy endings. Make off with treasure, get that girl/guy, and have cake and eat it too. Luck favors the bold.

♋ Cancer –Centrifuges, boomerang effects, déjà views, and warp speed are on tap for this weeks’ celestial wanderings, let’s posit: on the 23^rd the Sun moves into Scorpio, the New Moon is in Scorp, as well as a partial solar eclipse, two weeks after a full lunar eclipse btw, and then on the 25^th Mercury stops this retrograde bullshite, and then on the 26^th Venus also moves into Scorpio. Oof. History may seem like it’s repeating, but this time with a twist of lemon, or maybe vinegar, but either way it will be a hell of a palate cleanser. In the next week, if you feel like you been here before, you may have, but this may be a chance to make a new choice, plot a different course and change the winds of fortune toward more favorable ends. Redesign, rethink, retool and do it again, but better.    

♌ Leo –Finally your leonine patience is due to be rewarded with forward moving, proactive, withheld by nothing and no one celestial action, so let’s posit: from the 23^rd to the 26^th, new Moon in Scorp, partial eclipse also in Scorp, Mercury out of retro, and Mars moves into Sag, a fellow fire sign and not one to sit idly by pretty much ever. Shot out of a cannon, tripping thru a Stargate wormhole and/or actually getting a second chance at something you thought had passed may all happen either silkily and subtly or quick and pointedly like a tiger’s temper. To avoid an all out burn out after blast off, maybe grab a nap and a sandwich, this week’s gonna be straight up weird—astrologically speaking, so think at least once before you pounce. Then of course by all means, pounce like a champ.

♍ Virgo –The multiverse is so complex that it never ever never has to do the same thing twice, in fact it’s frowned upon considering the sheer size and scope of impossible limitlessness, and that’s why in the next week you may experience the same thing you did a month ago when you passed on it, and mayhap you’ll get another chance, but here’s the caveat: it won’t be the same, it may look, smell and quack the same, but this ain’t no duck. But it’s no weird bullshite Guardians of the Galaxy final scene either. It may be just a glance down a path not taken or a life not led. Only insane people do things the same way twice, right? Don’t be insane, choose smarter this time, the consequences will be marvellous, potent and long lasting.

♎ Libra –Obviously there’s glitches in the matrix causing déjà views of black cats, because there’s no way that it’s fair that birthday Sun times for Libras and an immunity to all things crosshaired and crosseyed could be coming to an end. The Dr Pants also calls bullshite! That doesn’t mean that the skies get boring, check these stars: while Mercury was in retrograde—til the 25^th btw—he started to move into the sign of Scorpio, when Libra pulled him back in, apparently not done with her business, and after Merc goes forward, there’s extra Mercury Libra time til we get back to the ultimate scorpionic destination—don’t fret, Merc comes back to Libra once a year, this time you got a little extra. Hopefully you’re using this extra timespace to foist your mercy onto the tender souls of the earth that have missed you. Rain sunshine down on all you see and be overly generous with your time, your breath smells like kittens and cinnamon and mercy. 

♏ Scorpio –Firstly, happy birthday Sun times, you chthonian fire water arachnid! Secondly, this next month is all you, check this shite: on the 23^rd there’s a new moon in Scorp, with a lemon twist of a partial solar eclipse, also the Sun moves into Scorp and so does Venus—ironic that we named her after Aphrodite, the most beautiful of all, and yet the planet Venus couldn’t be more inhospitabl and sulphuric—aptly perfect for Scorpio, since beauty can exist way way down deep even buried in the darkest of sediments where sunlight is kept hidden from secrets and we have to dig for our treasure. So much sky action in your nape of the woods, that your shite may actually have no odor whatsoever. We all know you have it, don’t be coy, show us what ya got. And happy birthday…

♐ Sagittarius –The big news for you fiery centurian archer types isn’t about all the Scorpio Sun and Moon energy on the 23^rd, including a partial solar eclipse, or even Mercury coming out of retro on the 25^th—but Mars and whatever you associate with it moving into Sag on the 26^th for an adventurous three week visit. Mars was named for the god of war, a male planet on the other side of Earth from Venus, and yet ironically, the big blustery war machine is actually much smaller in size than either Earth or Venus—it’s always the little guy who wants to start trouble, cough-Napoleon-cough, so when you look up in the sky at the angry red planet, behind it will be the sign of the Sag. Birthday for you in a month, but for now action, action, action, and then more action. Giddy up, horsey.

♑ Capricorn –The giant unkillable sky scorpion, aka Scorpius isn’t all that bad a dude, the Dr Pants is just sayin. In one story, Orion the great hunter—on the opposite side of the sky from the Scorp btw, for good reason—in order to prove his greatness wanted to hunt all the animals of the Earth, which would ironically leave him without a reason to exist, but neverthenary, big mammajamma© Gaia, who created all the animals, sent the most powerful of them to kill the greatest hunter, so really the scorpion is the savior of humanity—a poisonous arachnoid chosen one come to save us all. The Dr Pants’s point is, is that after a new moon in Scorp, a partial solar eclipse, forward moving Mercury, and Mars dipping his claws into Sagittarius, and in 2 weeks a full moon in Sag—there’s bizarre, maybe even scary shite on the horizon, but it’s just a scorpionic messiah coming to save you. Don’t run, stand ready, face your fear, cause it’s here to help, endow and uplift.   

Aquarius ♒ -The Dr Pants slept thru most of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but there’s a song about a time warp or something, which leads him to you: You’ve been time warping thru most of October, haven’t you? Well, shite’s about to get weird and sort of real, so plant your brain feet and check this shite: Merc out of retro on the 25^th, slungshot thru a wormhole of a new moon / partial eclipse on the 23^rd, and while nobody was looking, Mars alleged planet of action and war and Grrrrrr! quietly slips into Sagittarius, alleged fire starting half horse with perfect aim who asks questions later if at all. Look, the Dr Pants gets it, it’s cool to let your mind wander endlessly over Wordsworthian clouds, even on a regular basis, but for this week practice pondering the Now and let the later figure it out. Literally ope thine eyes.

♓ Pisces –Action and adventure? No way! Except that in this case, it’s a yes. Celestially speaking this next week or so might feel like a movie co-directed by Martin Scorcese and David Lynch, except that not everyone has to die, it’ll make sense kinda, and it should have really cool cinematography, but somehow the style overtakes us, the royal WE, the audience, demanding reason and purity from my art, like this is a marketplace after all, n'est-ce pas? But what about my art? MY ART? My vision, my emotions up there on the canvas for all to see and gawk at like I’m some prized pig now butchered and hung out to drip dry slowly on a hook like so much fish bait— Wait, what? Adventure, yes yes and action and so forth—weird, big budget, artsy and/or fartsy. And for a change watch this one sober. The Dr Pants kids, have a cocktail—have two, this is a trippy flick.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Check this actual science, brought to you by the good folks over in the math department: we’re almost done with little bastard Mercury’s thrice yearly three week retrograde, this one like a bad divorce between Scorpio and Libra, and the rocking and rising tide may get even wilder as we approach the 23^rd, when the Sun moves into Scorp, we have a new Moon in Scorp, while simultaneously a partial solar eclipse occurs. The new bike we’ll be riding by the 25^th when Mercury cuts this retro crap may have five wheels and three pedals, but it’s sure to be wicked fast and unremorseful about its course. You Aries fire types might want to use caution when applying your usual pyrotechnics. Go easy, for you wield much power. Chill out, have a salad, then light it up. 

♉ Taurus –Lots of celestial goings on in your opposite and equally horny astro partner, the Scorpio—like the bad divorce with Libra, all over little backwards bastard Mercury, a new moon in Scorp on the 23^rd, and simultaneously a partial solar eclipse—we get two of those a year btw—and the Sun moves into the gaping maw of the Scorpion that day too. Where does the bull fit in? Los Toros y toreadors alike may find themselves mysteriously drawn to a china shop the closer we get to the once a year full moon in Taurus the Bull on Nov 6. Destroy and disassemble if you must, but you Bulls might be the only sign the Scorpion won’t go near for fear of getting trampled. Let the bad guys do the work, and you just focus on scampering and frolicking your way to your full moon. Nothing stops bull.    

♊ Gemini –If you thought October’s been weird so far—hang tight, because your socks are in danger of being knocked right off, here’s the actual astro lowdown: we’re almost done with little bastard Mercury’s thrice per year three week retrograde, this one amidst a nasty divorce between Scorpio and Libra, then on the 23^rd all of this shite aims fanwards: the Sun moves into Scorpio, there’s a new moon in Scorp and simultaneously a partial solar eclipse, the twice yearly sisterly counterpart to the total lunar eclipse we had on the 8^th—all in one day—and then on the 25^th, Merc cuts the retro crap possibly releasing all the spirits like that part in Ghostbusters when dickless shut off the protection grid—liberation, transformation, and a brave new world. Currently the celestial waters are perfect for catching exactly the right fish, get angling and get what you want.

♋ Cancer -Everything’s coming up Scorpio! Your fellow fire water sign is about to be full of himself and a couple of planets, and we’re all familiar with his insatiable power grabbing and snatching, so let’s cut to the celestial chase, all of which goes down on the 23^rd— the Sun goes into Scorp, the new moon is in Scorp, and it’s a partial solar eclipse all in one day. And little bastard Mercury comes out of retrograde two days later, relenting to the irresistable clamp of the scorpion’s claws, especially after the bitter divorce between Scorp and Libra becomes final. The Dr Pants would remind you crustaceans thusly, A) crabs don’t get seasick and B) a high tide raises all boats. While everything may seem in tumult, help remind us why there’s nothing to fear since we’re all in this ocean together. This week be overly generous with your time. The love you give is equal to…. 

♌ Leo –Can you smell it, tiger? Big sky doin’s are on the wind, so check this shite: all on the 23^rd, the Sun moves into Scorp, there’s a new moon in Scorp and a partial solar eclipse—all in one day. Then on the 25^th, little bastard Mercury cuts the retro crap and moves forward again—towards an imminent munching by, you guessed it—the Scorpio. We’ll all be travelling thru another dimension soon, one of light and sound and transformation, all thru the fire water of the Scorpion. Don’t get bit, stay on target, have a cookie, bend some spoons with your mind bullets and by November all will be right as rain, and you’ll remember you don’t believe in fate or astrology or weird opportunity presenting wormholes from out there in the ether of space. You’re not cowardly, you’re not Aslan, but you are one sexy kitten. Fear no scorpion, but step lively.  

♍ Virgo –The sky is afoot and aflame with these actual astro events, brought to you by provable science: we’re a good chunk of the way thru Mercury’s thrice annual three week retrograde, this time in the middle of a bad divorce between Libra and Scorpio, and we’re also between eclipses—there’s a partial solar coming up on the 23^rd—same day btw that the Sun enters Scorpio, same day as the new moon also in Scorpio which occurs during the eclipse. You’re not between a rock and a hard place, but between a womb and the outside world, which has been filtered and protective until now. But the 25^th—that’s the birthing day when Mercury stops this retro bullshite and we blast off into a visceral and radically new future. Strange yet oddly familiar waters dead ahead, remember: all is one.

♎ Libra –Nicely timed this year btw, encompassing almost the entire three weeks of retrograde Mercury within your birthday Libra Sun sexy party in the pants times, thereby making your sign the only one immune to the seasick celestial seas abound and surrounding the rest of us. That said, you scaly Libras have a free pass until the 23^rd when the Sun gets captured by Scorpius and the birthday parties creep into the esoteric and maudlin. Also, same day: new moon and partial eclipse—also in Scorp—your astro neighbor and griping star mate regarding a certain pair of sky claws that became scales. Point is, is that celestial immunity will be morphing into regular reality and soon. Ergo, therefore, post haste and forthwith, hit the birthday bucket list stat. Whatever brings you pleasure, do it, do it now while there’s still time. Happy birthday, scamp.

♏ Scorpio –Firstly, as of the 23^rd, the Sun will start chewing its way thru the sign of Scorpio, the colossal unkillable sky scorpion—actually part of the arachnid family btw—so, your birthday juiciness is upcoming and nigh, but secondishly, let’s chat about all the shite that goes down leading up to the 23^rd and how unabated the wacky of thus far October might continue ad infinaseum: currently we’re a good chunk of the way thru Mercury’s thrice annual three week retrograde, this time in the middle of a bad divorce between Libra and Scorpio—don’t worry, Scorpio wins—and we’re also between eclipses, a partial solar coming up on the 23^rd—same day btw that the Sun enters Scorpio, same day as the new moon also in Scorpio which occurs during the eclipse, and on the 25^th Merc cuts the retro crap and we all move forward into your neck of the woods, ripe for the stinging. Ready the claws and batten all hatches. It’s your perfect storm.  

♐ Sagittarius –Soon, a wormhole will appear, and you’ll have a perfect shot right thru it, so keep arrows at the ready and your bow tautly strung, for should you hit your target on the other side, everything in this world may change, adjust and requantify. On the 23^rd the Sun moves into Scorpio, there’s a new moon in Scorp and a partial solar eclipse, all on the same day—but the wormhole may not appear til the 25^th or after when retrograde Mercury cuts the retro crap and heads for a long delayed dinner date in downtown Scorpio. Aim not with your eyes nor your hands, but with your heart, aim for the future you want to see, be the change, because celestially speaking it’s a perfect time to red shift into forward gears. Fear nothing, aim true, get the treasure.  

♑ Capricorn –First off, let’s calm down, it’s been a long October already with little bastard Mercury in reverse and full moons and eclipses and shite, but wait—there’s more! We’re actually in between eclipses—a partial solar one is due on the 23^rd, the same day the Sun moves into Scorpio, the new moon’s in Scorpio, and then two days later, Merc cuts the retro crap and moves forwards again towards a destiny dinner date with guess who—Scorpio. Secondly, the Dr Pants is only telling you to chill because he knows you Caps have a tendency to lose self control over whatever emotional turbulence might give you a lift, a goose and a jiggle. Thirdly, don’t act like you’re the epitome of self control, we’ve all seen it. Just sayin—watch for flash floods of fire water and irresistable juiciness. 

Aquarius ♒ -The not-god closes a door and then opens a window, right? Consider this upcoming actual astro shite: we’re in between eclipses, in the midst of Mercury retrograde fighting it out between Libra and Scorp, and on the 23^rd the Sun moves into Scorp, we have a new moon in Scorp and a partial solar eclipse—in Scorp—all in one day. Then on the 25^th, little bastard Merc cuts the retro crap and goes forward once again—towards a destiny with, wait for it—Scorpio. Lots of sky energy moving forward thru fire water, transforming itself and promising a new lens with which to see ourselves and our environs amidst new red shifted light waves that bend towards undeniable truthiness and fervor for poetic change. Who do you want to be today, who do you want to be?  

♓ Pisces –Your water sign buddy Scorpio has a major power grab coming up, so maybe keep an eye out for wandering scorpionic energy that may seek to engulf you and claim your rightful demesnes and ancestral homelands for its own dastardly designs. However, forewarned is forearmed, so check this astro shite: on the 23^rd the Sun moves into Scorp, the new moon is in Scorp and it’s a partial solar eclipse—all in one day. And on the 25^th Mercury cuts the retro crap, and moves forward again towards a mandatory stay in, wait for it—Scorpio. The Dr Pants recommends boots, maybe hip waders and some ball bearings, because it’s all ball bearings nowadays—and get ready for a red shifted light show, where everything becomes illuminated and truthiness is rampant and undeniable. Everything wrong is right again—after some ocular adjustments.  

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Amazeballs of a full moon in Aries this week, right? The Dr Pants’s pants are still drooling in rehab, but let’s palaver seriously for a tick and discuss the simultaneous total lunar eclipse that also happened on Wed—the second of four in a tetrad btw, connecting this past April to the NOW, and to ensuing eclipses slated for arrival in spring and fall 2015. Furtherly, the Dr Pants knows that all Aries’ lucky number is four—and this eclipse was two of four—doubly lucky. Ergo, now’s a good time, with little bastard Mercury in retrograde thru Libra—your celestial opposite and horny equal—to see big pictures with microscopic acuity and insight. Delve, you skyward ram—delve, decrypt, descry and declaim your goals, wishes and dreams to the 3D printer called the multiverse.

   

♉ Taurus -Despite current astro climes, certain Taurean underbellies, sub consciousnesses and rivers of dreams are most likely rife and refulgent with not so subtle scorpionic yet ironically non toxic cleansing rituals. Let’s posit: opposite side of the sky from Taurus the Bull is the constellular and colossal unkillable sky scorpion—the Scorpio, and on the 10^th, little retrograde bastard Mercury goes back into Libra, retracing a path already taken, leaving the path not yet taken to be like wtf?? The scorpion must have spooked him because he’s backing up into Libra, retracing a path already taken, leaving the potentially dangerous path of a scorpion for a later November date. And all this astro havoc is all leading towards a new moon in Scorp in two weeks and in a month a full moon in, wait for it—Taurus—el toro informidable, no? The month ahead is meaty and full of sensually potent portent. Receive, relish and revitalize.  

♊ Gemini –The Dr Pants can smell that Geminis are on the hunt… possibly as a result of the recent full moon and total lunar eclipse in occasionally friendly fire Aries on Wed—the second of four in a tetrad of total lunar eclipses btw that will cul- and fulminate in the spring and fall of 2015. Yet as of the 10^th little bastard Mercury moves retrograde back into Libra, retracing a path already taken in Sept, leaving the path not taken to wonder wtf? Normally coy and subtrefuged, you Gem’s are ripe for the plucking rather than being plucked. Consequently, your power animal of the week is the Ochre-bellied Boobook, aka a conniving and cunning owl—keen vision and hyper mental acuity. Be the boobook, identify what you want and then go get it. You’re a wing’d and insatiable beast.

♋ Cancer -Amazeballs kinda week already, right—what with full moon in occassionally hell bent Aries and simultaneously a total lunar eclipse, blocking all of the reflected Libran sunlight, turning the moon blood red—the second of four total eclipses in a row btw—yeah, it’s a tetrad! And on the 10^th Mercury—still retrograding thro’ grass shredding circles ‘cross our collective un- and subconscious lawns and topiaries—moves back into the scaly sign of the Libra on the 10th, retracing a path already taken back in Sept, leaving the path not yet taken wondering wtf? Eclipses are like little wormholes connecting points in time, from the full eclipse last April to the NOW, to the next two big ones that come spring and fall 2015. This October, the micro and macro, the past and future and all that you are/were/ever will be will reunite & reverse and then reshape & rekindle misplaced passions and obsessions. Torque and twerk.

♌ Leo – Originating from an Aquarian state of mind, the Dr Pants would usually proscribe super duper action oriented activities for a leonine mind such as yours, and yet he’s reminded of the words of Marcus Aurelius via Hannibal Lecter—‘We fall in love with what We see everyday’. And currently the astro clime smells thusly: while little bastard Mercury moves retrograde back thru Libra, retracing a path already taken, leaving the path not taken to be like wtf, I’m right here! All wild cats may be inclined to hunt previously elusive prey and chase the tale/tail that got away. Déjà vus underscored by ancient didgeridoos are abound thru out October. Stay alert and focussed, for what you want is nearby and waiting to be caught. Grab, and then kiss.

♍ Virgo – It’s possible you may pass the next couple weeks spending time making rhymes of yesterday, not because one is the loneliest number, but because little bastard Mercury is in retrograde—on a celestial timeout—and on the 10^th it goes back into the air sign Libra, retracing a celestial path already taken in Sept, leaving the path not taken to feel like wtf?? This aggression may or may not stand, man because déjà vus and didgeridoos may be reminding you of connections to times past, pasttimes, and some of both that are yet to occur. It also helps that we just hit the second of four total lunar eclipses in a row on Wed, connecting this past April to the NOW, and to eclipses next in spring and fall 2015—little mometary wormholes, connecting points in timespace. What does it all mean?? The Dr Pants can’t/won’t say and doesn’t need to. Let your mind go and the future will follow like resplendent détentes of heartfelt and bountiful rewards for good behavior. Soon—presents and latent Bday cake—surprisingly good and not stale.

♎ Libra – Yes, Libra—still naked birthday party sun times for you and your ilk, so don’t bother with pants because really, who are you kidding? That aside, one could say that the Libran scales of justice represent the equinox—equal light and dark on Earth twice per annum, or maybe even some symbolic enlightened souls that seem like angels among us, distributing equanimity equally ‘mongst all would-be enlightenees. Or—up till the Roman era, the constellation of the scales was actually thought of as the claws of nearby Scorpius—the colossal unkillable sky scorpion. Ergo the Dr pants suggests that in addition to ongoing naked sexy bithday times, Librans also consider re-exchanging those scales for claws. Happy birthday times, kitten. Mee-owwww, scratch that itch, and scratch it good.

♏ Scorpio – Well now you’ve done it. Little bastard Mercury—fleet footed hot ass, way too close to the sun, yeah that guy—he’s in retrograde as he’s overly wont to do, and as soon as he entered Scorpio, he hightailed it back to Libra and will spend about three weeks there—again, retracing a celestial path already taken back in Sept, leaving the path not taken to wonder wtf?? When’s my time?? And another thing, you representation of a giant unkillable sky scorpion—come November, Mercury—then moving ‘forwards’ again, will reenter the Scorpion and we’ll begin again, running the length of the Scorp’s subconscious alimentary canal into the Sagittarius id. For now, October may seem like a Twin Peaks rerun, but with new outcomes and reversals of both fortune and mishap. Unpaved roads on all sides, but soon new moon in Scorp and your party starts jumpin.

♐ Sagittarius –The Dr Pants could prattle and palaver on about star stuff and planets and mercurial retrogrades, which one could read about in any of the other ‘scopes above and below— Or… he could give it to you short, sweet and sans bullsnipe, which he knows you have little time or patience for. Yet briefly: the sky is replete with backwards fire gods bent on dispensing lessons about crap that advanced incendiary souls like yourself are so far ahead of that, frankly—they can all go feck and fark themselves til cows come home. You know what you want. What’s the hold up? Time is ripe to quit stalling and move.

♑ Capricorn – For a celestial goat fish like yourself, the Dr Pants is reminded of Marcus Aurelius via Hannibal Lecter: ‘We fall in love with what we see every day’. And in this celestial case, little bastard Mercury is in retrograde in scaly airy Libra, retracing a path already taken back in Sept, just in case you didn’t get enough of a good/bad/exquisitely tortuous thing. We’ve all seen this movie before, so let’s cut bait and goat fish because October may be rife and replete with reversals of both fortune and mishap, revisions of accepted canon and chaos, and reimaginings of misunderstandings that before this Mercury reversal and retrograde, weren't possible. The lens of history may go from concave to convex. Hold tight and let portent unfold.

Aquarius ♒ - Luckily the Sun shines with Aquarian friendly Libra starlight, and the Mercury retrograde that might normally beset, assualt and beguile us, is happily backstroking thru our friend and fellow air sign and bringer of gifts, but here's the science: just Wednesday we had full moon in Aries and a total lunar eclipse—the second of four total eclipses in a row, beginning last April and re- exploding & exploring come spring and fall 2015. Eclipses are like wormholes, little windows connecting points in time, and October is one door in a series, and if you mentally merge the macro and micro, a futurely oriented braniac like yourself might just see it all unfold before you before any of it even happens. Time is amok, act accordingly and glean wide the wild sargassic sea of potential. Don't go home, go big.

♓ Pisces – This week’s Piscean Poseidon adventure comes courtesy of the good folks over at little bastard Mercury, who as of the 10^th is retrograding back thru Libra, retracing a path already taken in Sept, leaving the path not taken to be all like, wtf? That said, as you are the carrot and the stick, why not forego all the bullshite and trip these balls thusly: as Merc reverses course, certain flotsam and/or jetsam previously believed lost may resurface and demand to be reevaluated, revised, reimagined and retooled. A chance to right a wrong, restoke the fire and get back what you long for—it’s never too late.