Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Lots of celestial news going down, but on the front burner for you this week is all about the full moon early morning on the 8^th. Quick astronomical info: the moon travels thru all 12 constellations of the zodiac every month, spending 2-3 days in each sign, and there’s one full moon per month—a point at which the Earth is caught between the Sun and Moon, and furtherly there’s 12 full moons a year, so every sign gets an engorged lunatic moon in its own constellation. This month’s action cul- and fulminates with la luna being backed up by the constellation Aries—boundless energy endlessly shifting, creating, infusing and ingratiating itself into whatever’s the next paradigm shift. Not coincidentally full moon in Aries also marks your half birthday—but don’t half ass this one—go big, know you’re strong, and if you see a million faces, then rock them—rock them all.  

♉ Taurus –Lots of sky action at the other end of the zodiac with your astro opposite, equal and often late nite booty call, Scorpio. Quick astro primer: the word planet comes from ancient Greek meaning wandering star, and unlike every other light in the heavens, planets occasionally appear to move backwards against the normal flow of circular star traffic, some for a few weeks, and some planets with really big orbits go retrograde for months. Anyhoo, on the 4^th little bastard Mercury—who jacks it into reverse 3 times a year—starts to back up thru the constellation Scorpius—a giant unkillable scorpion. More primer: one of the god Mercury’s abilities was guiding souls on their way to the afterlife, and as of the 4^th he’ll be riding to Hades backwards astride an unkillable celestial scorpion. And don’t forget the ram-bunctious Aries full moon on the 8^th. Bizarre yet comforting déjà vus will be abound, unavoidable and unregulated. Strap in and maybe up.  

♊ Gemini -Quick astro primer: the word planet comes from ancient Greek meaning wandering star, and unlike every other light in the heavens, planets occasionally appear to move backwards against the normal flow of circular star traffic, some for a few weeks, and some planets with really big orbits go retrograde for months. Anyhoo, on the 4^th little bastard Mercury—who jacks it into reverse 3 times a year—starts to back up thru the constellation Scorpius. More primer: one of the god Mercury’s abilities was guiding souls on their way to the afterlife, and soon he’ll be riding to Hades astride a giant unkillable space scorpion. The Dr Pants smells some weighty symbolism here, but we intellectuals usually leave symbols to the symbol minded. No mythical arachnid holds sway over a mucho gigante braniac like you. It’s business as usual, let everyone else around you be weird. Ride the wild scorpion and make it take you where you want to go.    

♋ Cancer –Big sky goings on in your buddy Scorpio’s house of mirrors beginning on the 4^th when planet Mercury appears to move backwards in the nite sky in the constellation Scorpius, retracing a path already taken that’ll last three weeks, leaving the path not taken wondering, wtf? Meantime, on the 8^th is a full ass moon in the ram-bunctious constellation Aries, where all rules may be tossed overboard in favor of new regimes, mindsets, and milieus. Essentially, a backwards moving sky scorpion is chewing its way thru the firmament, and the Earth is caught in the middle between Libra Sun and full Aries Moon—balance and chaos. Ideas are like electrons—they’re ubiquitous and subatomically omnipresent, we should be abuzz and alight for most of October, so strap in and prepare for exquisite torture. Atonement for what you’ll do won’t be due for a good while till the sky sorts itself out. For now—ride the scorpion and regret nothing.

♌ Leo –Big sky dramas playing themselves out in October should prove to be a pleasurable tickle in your undies this month and since lions are always up for some action, let’s start with full moon on the 8^th in fellow fire sign Aries—a pickle for your tickle fer sure. But ere that, the planet Mercury goes retrograde in Scorpius on the 4^th. Quick primer: the word planet comes from ancient Greek meaning wandering star, and unlike every other light in the sky, planets occasionally appear to move backwards against the normal flow of circular star traffic, some for a few weeks, some planets with really big orbits go retrograde for months. Anyhoo, on the 4^th little bastard Mercury—who jacks it into reverse 3 times a year—starts to back up thru constellation Scorpius, and then on the 10^th it moves back into Libra for a little quick nookie, then later reenters Scorp, triggering déjà vus of horny orgiastic bloodbaths and ritual mutual pleasuring. There’s fire sale on fire water and you have plenty credit. Ride the Scorpion and regret nothing.

♍ Virgo – Recently after an earthquake in NorCal, the ground shifted just right, releasing thousands of gallons of water from an underground spring which created a stream and ponds where none existed previously. Rarely does the Dr Pants give such an apt metaphor for celestial doins and your immediate future, but here goes somethin: the planet Mercury goes retrograde on the 4^th—in Scorpio, all water, all fire, all the time—dowsing our skies and minds with water from deep within the Earth, liquid untouched by air and light for centuries, flooding our consciousness with old yet new information, and thanks to a full moon in ram-bunctious Aries on the 8^th, we might need an ark, at least a metaphorical one. The Dr Pants advises planning a quick getaway/sabbatical/outright retreat for end of the October—you’ll need it to sort thru all the madness and mayhem.  

♎ Libra –Don’t put away your party pants just yet, you sexy scaly beast, for there be shite tons more Libra Sun energy, and just the other day Venus, our hot and spicy sister planet, named for the always naked horny goddess of feminine perfection, who besides the Sun is the brightest object in our sky—she just moved into the constellation Libra for the next three weeks, probably extra sensorily prognosticating your own upcoming orgiastic and perfect pantslessness. For now and most of October, all you need is your birthday suit and your favorite someone(s) to suit up with you. Literally and figuratively, your shite don’t stink. Small caveat: due to some irrelevant sky shennanigans, others around you may seem in upheaval and/or disarray. Ignore them. Order another and make someone else pay. Down here, this is your time. Happy birthday, you marvelous bastard.

♏ Scorpio –October and the days leading up to Scorpio Sun time and birthday suits are probably gonna get a little untamed, entangled and possibly disemboweling. Quick astro primer: the word planet comes from ancient Greek meaning wandering star, and unlike every other light in the heavens, planets occasionally appear to move backwards against the normal flow of circular star traffic, some for a few weeks, some planets with really big orbits go retrograde for months. Anyhoo, on the 4^th little bastard Mercury—who jacks it into reverse 3 times a year—starts to back up thru constellation Scorpius, and then on the 10^th moves back into Libra for a little quick nookie, then later reenters Scorp, triggering déjà vus of horny orgiastic bloodbaths and ritual mutual pleasuring. The scorpion is here, but it’s confused about why and only another Scorp can catch him, extract his secrets, and stay safe from its sting. We’re all counting on you.

♐ Sagittarius –There’s a fire sale on fire water this week and a Sag like you should be in wild hog heaven, here’s some why: full moon in fellow fire sign Aries on the 8^th—lots of drunken rams chewing their way thru scenery, setting random unneccesary fires and carousing til all hours. Ere that, on the 4^th little bastard Mercury goes retrograde in the constellation Scorpius for three weeks, which it does three thrice per annum. Mercury, aka Hermes, aka emissary for the gods and conductor of souls into the afterlife is gearing up for a wild nighttime ride backwards straight to hell astride a giant unkillable space scorpion. Copious change, sexual déjà vus and mystical wanderings will be rife, rampant and unpredictable for the better part of October. Suit up and spread out.

♑ Capricorn –Scorpions are in the same family as arachnids, which the Dr Pants only brings up because starting on the 4^th, the planet Mercury—aka Hermes, aka emissary for the gods and conductor of souls into the afterlife—will be riding backwards straight to hell astride a giant unkillable space scorpion. The whole journey takes about three weeks, as the planet Merc goes against the normal flow of circular star traffic. Unlike every other light in the night sky, planets occasionally wander backwards—little bastard Merc does it 3 times a year btw, and for the first few weeks of October the symbolism might become quite literal and then disappear like a déjà vu fart in the wind and then crawl back like an eight legged harbinger of news from the unearthly, preternatural and ephemeral world where only Mercury can travel and return safely. Fret not, but strap in.

Aquarius ♒ -Ride the wild scorpion and make it take you where you want to go. Wait a tick, let’s back up with a quick astro primer: the word planet comes from ancient Greek meaning wandering star, and unlike every other light in the heavens, planets occasionally appear to move backwards against the normal flow of circular star traffic, some for a few weeks, some planets with really big orbits go retrograde for months. Anyhoo, on the 4^th little bastard Mercury—who jacks it into reverse 3 times a year—starts to back up thru constellation Scorpius. Brief mythical primer: one of the god Mercury’s fortes was conducting souls into the afterlife. Symbologically speaking, Mercury is riding to hell, but backwards astride a giant unkillable space scorpion, for the bulk of October. Halloween should be wacky with the fallout. Stay tuned, grab a drink and get loose.

♓ Pisces –To quote Joey Scarbury, ‘Just like the light of a new day / it hit me from out of the blue / breaking me out of the spell I was in / making all of my wishes come true’. The Dr Pants won’t vouch for all your wishes, cause he knows that’s a stupid long list, but the Dr Pants will affirm the incoming waves of unexpected treasure, pleasure and weirdness that begins on the 4^th when planet Mercury goes retrograde, and continues on the 8^th with a full moon in the constellation Aries, celestial battering ram for all that needs to be razed, remodeled and reimagined. But you’re not the Greatest American Hero, you’re Green Lantern and anything you imagine can be true if you believe it to be. We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams, so act accordingly.