Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –The Dr Pants is stoked to point out that you’re within a muggeseggele of achieving the greatest achievement out of all the achieving achievers that have ever achieved, Lebowski or otherwise. You’re gonna hit pay dirt mucho pronto, paisan, and I thought you should prepare thyself for the onslaught of yummy on the way to your honey lovin’ tummy. A muggeseggele, btw, is an idiomatic term referring to the approximate length of a fly’s wiener. Ergo, you’re like super close to awesome town. Just try to act surprised. In fact, I’ve said too much. Forget what you have read. Save you it can.

♉ Taurus –Quick astro primer before we get to the juicy lunar sweet spot you bulls are about to hit: we get 12 new moons per year and 12 full ones, right, and each sign gets one full moon in its home base once per annum, and it’s that time again, we just had a new moon in Scorp and on the 6^th we get a full moon in constellation Taurus. Woo hoo, right! More primer: during a full lunation, the Sun and Moon are on opposite sides of the Earth, in a careful balance between the Bull and the Scorpion, betwixt birth and rebirth, an Einstein Rosen Bridge spanning this life and the next one. It’s your half birthday, which does not imply that you should half ass this party. Get weird for Halloween.

♊ Gemini –After all the tumult, hulla balloo, falderall, horse hockey and inappropriate gerrund usements of this past, some might say, infamous October, and despite our Sun being immersed in the chthonic waters of the allegedly unkillable sky scorpion kniown as Scorpius, we have this full moon on the 6^th in the sign of Taurus, and all these Taurean Scorpionic themes like birth and rebirth, real and unreal and even more unreal, are all over the place like a Rothko or a Dali, symbolism and ideaology splayed and spread eagled across the sky like a patient etherized upon a table. The full moon should bring clarity and wisdom to all that ruckus and ruin. Let your spirit go and your body will follow.

♋ Cancer –Deep in Scorpionic Sun times we are, and on the 6^th we get a full moon in Taurus the bull—it’s geometry and it’s boring, but at a full moon the Earth, Moon and Sun are in a straight line, with the Earth in the middle—full lunation, friends! Furtherly Scorp and Taurus are opposite/equal to each other in the zodiac, bonding a water sign with an earth sign, and actually all three water signs are on the opposite side of the wheel/sky from earth signs, for example Cancer is opposite Capricorn. Scorp and Taurus relate to planting vs harvest time, spring vs fall, birth vs rebirth, and sex vs really dirty sex. Ergo, it’s an excellent week for new ideas, realizations, epiphanies and possible time travel. Get weird for Halloween, the Moon will protect you.

♌ Leo –The Dr Pants is woe to tell ya that you’ve had your cathexis and catharsis totally ass backwards and people are beginning to ask uncomfortable questions. The relationship between the two can be complimentary, and hopefully the former follows the latter. A cathexis is the investment of mental or emotional energy—want, desire, id, etc, into a person, object or idea, and yes sir, it can be constipated—fixation, plantation, feet to the ground while the sky spins on above us. And catharsis is freedom, from such things as, well… a cathexis. Celestially speaking it’s an excellent time to follow your bliss—tis the season for catch and release. Spread yourself sky-wise and free yourself from pointless and outmoded qualms, hang ups, and impediments of all ilk. Don’t cathexis—cathartic!

♍ Virgo –Recently a globster was sighted on your pristine shoreline, just south and east of your medulla oblongata. A globster btw is an unidentified mass of organic material that washes landward and confuses everyone, as neurons and beachgoers struggle in vain to figure out what the hell that thing is. Is it a whale? A giant squid? The governor of New Jersey? Whatever it is, your subconscious needs you to see it, identify it, and then cleanse your beach by rolling it (the globster) gently back into the sea to be reclaimed by the Piscean waters of your inner self. Full moon on the 6^th and weird shite from the deep—breeeeathe, and treat yourself to something long desired and deserved.

♎ Libra –The net effect of October, celestially speaking, is akin to being thrown into a washing machine filled with uncomfortably high temps and stuck on spin for way too long, with a distinct lack of a fabric softening period, where we could all relax, soak up some fresh smelling chemicals and then spin some more, hoping to settle out with original pine tree forest scent, a modicum of decorum, and a new perspective and prospectus, launching us into the future that is November, but first—there’s Day of the Dead, a rememberance of souls sailed past us, and a peek behind the curtain of forever. Full moon in Taurus on the 6^th will make everything right that’s wrong, turn inside out whatever’s outside in, and bring all mileage back to zero. Dust yourself off, it’s a new day, a new month and a new and improved mindset.  

♏ Scorpio –You’ll be glad to know that the souls of your ancestors flow thru you like magma coming to surface after long periods of intense pressure and heat. That said, despite the astronmical background the Dr Pants is also a theoretical physicist and cannot currently deny the possibility that if our life force could be determined scientifially, that perhaps even if we die as part of this dimensional string, that does not exclude our existence as energy, in some other form on some other plain/plane/brane and that maybe everything is truly ONE, like it’s really WE, the royal WE, all of us together, excluding no one because mercy is ubiquitous and impossible to deny. Whatever you want, and it’s probably unconventional, now is the time for it to fall into your lap. Happy birthday, you sweet sexy venomless arachnid.

♐ Sagittarius –Honestly, if the Dr Pants were a Sag, he’d be stoked right now, here’s some why: the sky reeks of Scorpio energy, which means examination, transformation and a move to a higher energy level, specfically Sagittarius Sun times that are the result of the transmorgrifications of the current Scorpion Sun. The full moon’s in Taurus on the 6^th, which if you don’t over indulge on the physical pleasures, Sag folks should be abuzz with epiphanies, insights and game changing information. Eat, drink and make merry fer sure, but you’ll want some clarity for the data dump you’re about to receive. Reap the cosmic whirlwinds and alter your earthbound pov.  

♑ Capricorn –You only get Mars in your sign every so often, so the next few weeks are perfect for waging war either co- or overtly, toppling dictators, nation building and supporting fledgling democracy dammit, for all those who need it, right? With the Sun in Scorpius, the giant unkillable sky scorpion, who eats transcendental transformational enlightenment for breakfast, and Mars in Capricorn, your powers of persuasion may be difficult to deflect, defer or defend against. But then we have la pièce de résistance, a full moon on the 6^th in Taurus, your little brother earth sign who knows just how you like things done. Chill out, have a schnitzel, wave your wand and tell the multiverse what you want. It has deep pockets and it owes you.

Aquarius ♒ -Radical yet toe curlingly pleasing changes are afoot and apace and if you’re not paying attention, several trains may be departing without you on them, respectively. That said, these last two eclipses have either focussed the matter, or scattered it, which is the Aquarian preference to be sure, but intellect cannot ignore the need to make certain decisions, implying that one should live with them, alter them when possible, and cease and desist all possible energy wasted upon frivolous worrying, obsessions and other similar time sucks. This life is absurdly short, and this is not a week to fritter away. Choose, then choose more, and then choose more, like cards in a game with no rules. Cast aside doubt and angle for some really big fish. For a while anyway, you got the touch.  

♓ Pisces –Pisces and Capricorns should never be drinking buddies, the consequences would be disastrous, neither of you know when to say enough and even tho Pisces handle it better, it’s not safe you guys in a room with booze on hand. That said, Mars alleged planet of action and supposedly war, is now in Capricorn, who if left to his own devices will win whatever war you got through planning and diligence, just don’t get the general drunk just because hey, it’s a Tuesday! In closing, full moon on the 6^th in Taurus the Bull and mucho Scorpio Sun, so think like a mullet, business up front party in back, and despite your party party proclivities don’t celebrate early. Obligations first, then get weird for Halloween.