Dr. Pants McTurd's

             MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                       

           (not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                 

this week: The Pants are off till 2013! Feel the breeze…

Doc P’s Neato Word of the Week: adiaphorous. Hopefully this placebo will work.

Doc P’s Random Quote of the Week: “What worries me about religion is that it teaches people to be satisfied with not understanding.”

 ---Richard Dawkins

                                                Aries

Your voice is a golden garden of mellifluous melody as seen from a pleasingly poignant periphery, probably located outside the relative norms that we all concede to eventually; despite evidence to the contrary—like the obvious and cruel injustices of the world that seem hard wired and unavoidable—as if tragedy is our lot in life, our destiny, and sole hope for our progeny. Perhaps we are a puzzle that’s missing a piece—or pieces, which I assume are the ‘lucky’ ones that were unjustly stolen—moments that we can’t get back, and if we’re lucky, we can enjoy with a relish and fervor for life regardless of its iniquities. Wait- reverse engineer that—we are constantly in a state of discovering our natures…as if we are remembering who we are, and hopefully, how—maybe even why.

                                                Taurus

End of the world movie I wish I had thought of last year: It’s Dec 21, 2012, and real fire breathing pissed off alien dragon spawn attack the earth and claim it as their own. They enslave humankind, forcing us to satisfy their twisted carnal and caligulan perversions, until eventually an armed resistance rises up and we slay the dragons, which of course has some subtle undertones of the metaphorical dragons we have to slay inside ourselves to become healthy loving adults; I’m thinking the beautiful Jennifer Lawrence as the Joan of Arc type lead---anyhoo, so--- we end the post apocalyptic death/dragon -scape, and reclaim the earth in the name of a re-united humanity that agrees upon certain inalienable rights—like to life, liberty and the pursuit of an ever changing happiness. But does it really require dragons? Or some other incalculable force that we have yet to imagine? I avouch, NO! Point is, let’s talk development, post end of the world carnage.

Gemini

Okay: we’re going to get real right now with…the Bosphorus. Fer reals, get out your thinking caps and/or maps. It’s a waterway that connects that Asia to Europe, and is of course at and near the birthplace of what we refer to as civilization—geographically pretty neat! But imagine for a moment the countable millennia of primate evolution. We spread out from Africa as a nomadic motley crew, hunting cooperatively and settling when possible, inventing cul- and agri- (ture)/culture there, and establishing boundaries, and evolving---over centuries and eons of time. And it’s been going on from whence we first crawled from the muck, all breathing oxygen and stuff, to say to the world—I AM ALIVE, DON’T TREAD ON ME!!! Point is, the Bosphorus is a metaphor—geography creates part of our identities. Look around you—make sure you like what you see.

Cancer

What if our universe, with all it's strings and theories, is a single cell of a giant organism that is even larger than we can conceive, that in turn is part of a larger ecosystem of an even larger Mother Gaia, which in turn is part of a larger solar system and galaxy that make up another universe replete with stringy theories, and from there it just keeps going ad infinauseum® till only god, or its equivalent, re the future definitions of the uncountable genius of forever and forever and forever and life without end...peace, peace and peace...amongst some strife and bloodshed...but still a delicate balance betwixt ebb and flow; or love and hate, fear and loathing; transdimensional and here/now. But that’s all crazy shit. For now, remember that you are the synecdoche. Tend your farm and nourish your crops.

Leo

Lets conversate on this crazy shit: Our past is a bell curve spanning the difference between what we think we can be, and the hard wired free will of individuality that propels us forward towards uncertain futures that may or may not contain the following: blizzards, giant man eating turtles, rhubarb, professional arm wrestling, and a dead Disney inheriting Star Wars (Walt, protect us). Point is, you are a solar dynamo—a weirdly spinning band of energy created a massive magnetic field that naturally draws matter to you—being a field of any kind, be it magnetic or soccer, means that other fireflies like and unlike yourself will want to light their little fannies and worship your flame, your heat and your light. You have a beautiful glowing butt made of fire and kindness and empathy. Use it to lure your demons to peaceful end.

                                                Virgo

That commercial where a Toyota truck pulls the space shuttle all by itself highlights the philosophical slippery slopes of perspective, or superposition in general timespace. Before the truck pulls the shuttle, they hitch the two together via a simple looking metal pin. And here’s where I think Toyota screwed the pooch on this one: Towing the massive space shuttle requires a lot of force, but only comparable to the tensile strength of the pin—how much stress the pin can handle is paramount to the task, and therefore maybe we all just need a really strong metal pin and not a Toyota, and all our problems will be towed into a permanent home that reeks of civility and quietude. You are that proverbial linchpin now. And your fortitude will be looked directly in the face; but rest easy, for what it will see there will be courage and fearlessness.

                                                Libra

Your intrinsic artiste is cro-magnon and war-like, and yet you casually walk the tightrope betwixt the ethereal and the desired; as well as the mathematically probable and infinite madness of ski slopes made by fusion; processes that are as yet beyond our ken or control, or even design. You are a giant, and thusly I believe you should behave—When smashing snowflakes together, hydrogen becoming one and splitting in twain to become two, and so on ad infinaseum® until we are met not on a battlefield, but on a level plain where all resources are maximized and science rules our fields—not fate, not religion, not dogma, nor ritual—lest it be of the most passive and non lethal kind. Imagine there’s no heaven. That you could actually live your life in peace--weird.

                                                Scorpio

What we’re not prepared for is the next leap of communication betwixt us-- human to human, as a direct result of the more rapid rate of technological capability combined with the concept of individuality and singularity, of which we seem to be culturally obsessed. Language and empathy took frigging forever to evolve into our current reality. What if my self and your self are easily sub and/or merge-able and malleable into a new conglomeration that might employ the homogenization of our collective thought and understanding. We’re walking in the footsteps of the basic building blocks of the universe—one becomes two becomes googolplex and so on. What if we as individuals are a collective? More complicated than the bees of course-- more nuanced, but still advancing as a group that would reward itself with reasonable cooperation, and a non negotiable anti mutual destruction clause. Sting like a butterfly and walk like a bee, and I’ll meet you on the inside of your brain.   ps read pisces and maybe aries too.

                                                Sagittarius

Quickly, a word about turkey: what a word! It’s a modern day country, a bird, a bowling term, an abject failure, a symbol of abundance stuffed with bread and perhaps other meats, while we willingly suck up to the teat of beautiful gravy, born of dripping carcass juices in oven’s demesne- heat makes change and hence, life—mutation—evolution—process upon countless processes, culminating in the spirit of thyself—the anima of your consciousness---the synecdoche of you that is part and parcel of the universe at large—the micro to the macro, and all the dalliances in betwixt. Your multi faceted turkey is within you—a manifestation of you…that’s why we eat it…to gain its power!! Grok your mammalian roots and hunt the wild orchid—fret not the power of imagined overlords… You are free. You are free. You are free. You are free. You are free. You are free……

                                                Capricorn

A halo, or nimbus, or icebow, is an atmo effect that when ice crystals in strato create a visual effect of a circle of light around the sun—and briefly, here’s the history of the halo: naturally, the sun is the logical thing to worship from an early primate point of view. The sun seems like it controls everything. Sun worship—sounds great—but it’s merely a step in the evolutionary chain. The sun creates everything, but then there’s weather and altitude, and countless other factors that determine/influence our evolution, and ergo—our beliefs…so, anyhoo, the atmo effect of a halo evolved into the shining light behind all our saviors and/or prophets and or/ benevolent tyrants. This is how we communicate through time, ergo: we are timeless, and the knowledge of all our forbears is finite, and yet also: our birthright. Feel the glow? Dive fearlessly through to the other side of the halo and report back.

Aquarius

We think a lot, you and I—‘specially when the evening's spread eagled against the sky and we lie as patients sleeping upside down and table-wise, all angular and semantic, unaware of the implications of our soul’s true wont. And despite outsider behaviorisms, we are not imbalanced to the wrong side of the bell curve that plagues humanity, simply because of some basic math of large populations and the exponential rate of evolution in a relatively closed system such as ours, or so I presume yours to be—be cause the elemental difference betwixt our genetic codes—hard ass wiring, bitches…brain, en-warped and steadfast throughout the medievilness of his-story…oh shit---over thinking has made me undone, and yet I cannot deny my/our true nature. Just keep the keel even, and the pensive seas will remain calm as long as they humanly can.

                                                Pisces

You’re a reverse engineerio, reborn phoenixlike in every century, in every reachable place where like species gather, to pull apart like pulled pork, the how of why things work---whether that be a monster truck or a person’s psyche or those pesky tachyons or those irritating wants and yens and yearning that draw us dangerously close to trouble---and why not dive in? The how of the why is the secret to everything; just bear in mind that the how of every why will likely take even a brilliant mind such as yours, all of time to figure out, especially considering that the how of every why is an infinite journey into the madness of infinity. Infinity! Bah, I say. B-A-H. Forever is just absurd when you really put your brain into it—which is my rambling point: we are swept through infinity, and as you travel your understanding only grows. Embrace and forgive—including thyself.

                         Dr. Pants McTurd's

          MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                     

          (not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                 

Doc P’s Random Quote of the Week: “With reasonable men, I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they will certainly be lost.  ~ William Lloyd Garrison ~

Doc P’s Word of the Week: ephemera. Look it up quick! It won’t last.

Aries- Routine is the word of the day, and week and month, and etc. Strap yourself in to this latticework of thought: every day the sun rises, times passes and situations progress and elapse—every frakking day; weird--almost like clockwork, or a mathematical something. Momentary lapses of reason are to be expected, the math necessitates it---eclipses and momentary alignment of forces will hold meaning—depending on where you’re standing; hence perspective defines meaning! And it’s the repetitive motions of consciousness and behavior that give meaning to what is ostensibly an indeterminate ether. Before you say that I’ve over thought whatever this is, let me point out that that’s my job. Your job is something else entirely. Your life’s work is only just beginning, so strap in and put on your thinking cap. The road may get bumpy—but repetitively so.

Taurus- You are a twisted angel, whose will is bent towards good and light and pleasant dreams; but whose inner demon is naughty and titillating and sweet like a 100 year old scotch. And somehow you ride the lightning, adeptly skiing the gentle curve and slope that exists between realities, a buffer between dimensions, where the newtonian rules and einsteinial paradoxes break down--and any thing is possible. And now, you find yourself in this body, burdened by its rules and arbitrary societal norms and regulators of acceptable human behavior—you are the id reaching up through the surface of a lake, holding aloft a sword of wonderment, not as a present for a king, but as a symbol and exercise of your true power—control of the beast within you, within us all. You are a tower of strength and a pillar that Atlas would envy. (read Scorpio)

Gemini- The Movimento Autonomo per la Liberazione delle Anime da Giardino is Italian that translates roughly to: the Garden Gnome Liberation Front. For reals.

They believe garden gnomery is slavery. See, the gnome is the modern day leftover of the greco-roman god Priapus. Anyhoo, gnomes actually tend to the garden at night, and apparently that’s just plain wrong. So these folks kidnap gnomes from their slave masters, and return them to the wild. Yes, brilliant, I know, but can these inanimate garden gnomes protect and feed themselves out there? You can’t release a domesticated dog into the wild; it won’t know how to survive. And I’m not one to espouse slavery of any kind, but we must fight the so-called Liberators! While they may reek of the stench of moral righteousness, they are actually endangering the gnomes they claim to be saving. And it’s a war of attrition: the Chinese will keep manufacturing more garden gnomes than the world has ever known, until these bastard “liberators” are just too exhausted to go on—or until the entire wild is so filled with gnomes that all the regular wildlife has to move into government sponsored housing somewhere on the lower east side. Control your gnomes—and save your planet—save yourself. (read scorpio and taurus)

Cancer- You are beagle nosed and eagle eyed, not to mention riled and wild and never tired. You are the leader of the newly minted Shotgun Bear Army®; trained by a master in leg sweeping, twisting the pig, and decrying righteously the foully unjust, the cretinous and the cruel, the takers and the never-givers—people who play politic with my principles---OUR principles, which are supposed to maintain a healthy appetite for the bounty of life, the blessings of existence and the plaudits of self examination and catharsis; psychological evolution that leads to the next level, the next incarnation of a soul’s journey through weird fibroid strings dancing amongst mysteriously dark matter. You are prepared for anything, I assure you. Fear no thing.

Leo- The ‘false me’ can’t survive. What if…who we think we are is just a projection of our soul, our mind, our—-something-ness—and the next level isn’t heaven---or rather, that heaven is a primordial representation of our true nature—and now we must create a new Mayan calendar that begins with the end of the current one. Not the end of the world in such a contrived literal fashion, but a transition into a new mindset, to which even the mathematically brilliant Mayans said, hey man, let’s stop the math here, man—because what comes next is upper level shit. Even the Mayans got stumped. This date is the edge of a change, yes—but one of great consequence in terms of our identity. And…identity is all we are---for the time being. Trust in who you are. Be what you’re like, and be like yourself. The flow is safe and easygoing, ride it like you’re floating with no effort.

Virgo- Denny’s Paradox has nothing to do with Moons Over My Hammy, nor anything to do with staying up all night as a teenager ingesting overly salty food, that down the road will lead to hypertension and hot bloated feet. It has to do with animal locomotion on a liquid surface. Enter the water strider; those weird leggy bugs that can scoot their little bug butts across the surface of a pond—yep, it’s a jesus bug. But because of silly garbage like the laws of physics, the water strider shouldn’t be able to do it. But physics is for wussies that don’t believe in stuff that seems impossible. The multiverse is malleable, I assure you. Whether you’re an adept or just a bumbling fool, I cannot say, not to your face anyway. My advice after the jumble you just passed your eyes over: Go to Denny’s, order something greasy, which shouldn’t be a challenge, and contemplate the possibilities of a malleable continuum, one you can change at will…with some practice and fortitude.

Libra- The world gets weirder every day. Stuck in my screen door, like countless other flyers and ads that often meet with a trashy end, was a business card that said ‘Desi Alvarez---Flyer Distributer’. Firstly, cool name—Desi. Secondish, at first glance, this seems very entrepreneurial—maybe he’s the best there’s ever been. Maybe he’s the son of the son of the son of the guy who invented leafletteering®. Although… Thomas Paine was a professional loudmouth self publisher too, so….better to have ink on your hands than blood, I suppose. Anyhoo, thirdmost, what an odd world it is where capitalism and competition and a relatively open marketplace can create a need for a new breed of professional pamphleteers. And fourth estatishly, the card also says ‘100% guaranteed—rain or shine. I’m not suggesting you start leaving your flyers everywhere, but it is time to step up your game. It’s sunny and warm, and the stars and screen doors are aligned.

Scorpio- I hope that you are timeless and eternal and everlasting. I could not bare it if you were of the ephemeral and transitory and evanescent ilk, lasting only minutes or days like the mayfly; here to spawn one minute, and the next covering my car and roadways for a couple weeks straight in May or June back in Minnesota. But you are so beautiful… your lithe form disappears in the mists of my imagination about you. You excite my delirium into a state of non-solid, non-liquid, non-gaseousness—you turn those around you to plasma, or the nuclear furnace of a sun. Fusion! Yes, that’s the word I was searching for you today—Fusion!—an inception of energy from the building blocks of the ‘verse. To know you, is to orbit you—a friendly passerby interested in your space junk. (read taurus)

Sagittarius- From nothingness, to zero, to one, to two, to multiples and multiples of crazy number based matrices that make no literal sense; and to boot, are ad infinauseum®. Bases of ten, and the concept of zero which even the Romans didn’t have—why, the power and corrigible of authority of nothingness lies in our wills…to turn a possibly Baconian phrase. But even if the matter is dark, there is always some thing. Every quantum inch of this weird multiverse has something going on at all “times”. There is no zero—except in math. And while I’m not here to tell you that you’re not math, or that you can’t be described in those terms; no, rather, I’m here to tell you that if you can imagine nothing, then everything else is a fucking cakewalk. Googolplex.

Capricorn- Vodka is analogous to a potato’s blood. Or so I’m going to sit here and posit, so don’t turn your proverbial nose up at a metaphor involving tuber blood---it’s actually quite sanguineous! You should drink it whenever you get a cut or a “boo-boo” and it will probably make you heal super fast. Blood for blood. Rum, however, will bloat your innards, genitalia, and appetite for bat meat—which I’ve meaning to bring up as definitely not safe for human consumption. Sake combined with beer on the other paw, will induce elite feets and syncopated beats, bound and determined to fill your donuts with bacon, your brownies with liquid thc, and your psychological sack with as many blissful orgasms as the universe has stars. But bourbon is where you need to stick the landing. Bourbon, named for kings, is the elevator to the stars and beyond. Bourbon is the blood of the holy. But if you abstain, don’t fret—the metaphor is only in its early stages.

Aquarius- The relationship between Aquarii and their emotions is a tricky sloppily taut tightrope that we insist on crossing cautiously. Having emotions is part of the deal in these here bodies, all hard wired in; but not always the greatest idea for planning your day or your actions. Emotions are often rash and founded upon ancient evolutionary gut reactions; probably due to a world that believe it or not, was much more dangerous than today’s war torn deathscape. Fear has an evolutionary purpose, but we’re aware enough to know that feelings are sometimes based on pure illogic. We Aquarii are blessed and cursed with something else that’s hard wired-- the ability to pluck logic and knowledge right out of thin air. What we don’t know is only what we haven’t had time to ponder yet. Our brains are a fascinating survival skill. Thought and preponderance before bloodletting and strife and cutting remarks meant only to belittle. Brilliance embodied.

Pisces- If you don’t believe that I can connect the great and tyrannical King Nimrod the Evil to Bugs Bunny, then you better hold on to your panties. Allegedly, Nimrod was a very powerful man, who slipped over the border into despotism, but hey—who’s perfect? And hey, sometimes we all think we’re more powerful than god, and we all require an Abraham to come knock us down a peg. Nimrod was also known as a mighty hunter. I figure most tyrants make good hunters, what with the need to smite and all. Which brings me not to Bugs yet, but to Elmer Fudd, the worst hunter probably ever. Bugs calling him a nimrod ushers the 20^th century into an updated definition for an ancient word; while simultaneously bringing the great king nimrod down to the lowest level of stupidity in payment for his sins. Mock the evil and we win, it’s how we rise above the bad shit that inevitably goes down. Find your Bugs, and mock the evil. 

                        Dr. Pants McTurd's

           MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                       

           (not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                 

disclaimer: Satire is BS---big and super.

this week: “My insides are privy only to me, and via a megaphone of unpredictable efficiency, available to you in a very limited fashion.” 

---D. Pants circa 2012.

Doc P’s Word of the Week: erinaceous. Burrow deep and seek the hedgehog of truth—it knows you and will never lie; and yet—be cautious in your questioning. He is conniving and queery and knows every misdeed and sin that you’ve visited upon your own soul. Also, he loves cheese filled pastries.

Aries-  St. Oran of Iona was willingly buried alive. They had some construction difficulties in building the chapel, which, in 548 BCE is pretty understandable, what with Home Depot over 1500 years away. A ‘voice’ told him the chapel couldn’t be constructed until there was a living man interred below. Yes, yes... sound logic. Anyhoo, they entombed him, and while he in there, he discovered through a vision that there was no heaven or hell to look forward to; there was nothing. He told this to the other priests and builders after he poked his head through a rock wall, still not dead and several days later. So…they buried him again. Point is that life is short enough. There’s no point to burying yourself under a mountain of crap. Burst through the rock wall with more than just your head. Tell us, Lazarus of what you have seen and let’s grab a pizza pie.

Taurus- How many centuries do you think it took for man to figure out that if you cook rock at very high heat, you can extract and assay the minerals within? Years to perfect for sure, but just the idea of cooking rocks must have taken centuries. Or…it took years of pre-thinking—scouring the earth and utilizing anything that might be a helpful tool to ensure survival—and then in a flash of brilliance, some tribe, some shaman, some nutball thought, hey let’s cook some rocks and see what happens. And then centuries again to distribute that knowledge along trade routes, and organized culture that also took centuries to develop. But it’s that one moment of discovery---even if it happens in different cultures at the same time by different nutballs, it’s a flash of neurons that takes A and makes B. Further, I posit: Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh / Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie? Life is candy, baby…

Gemini- Ok-- semantics, re time: the difference between the words aboriginal and indigenous is a personal bone of contention between myself and my sometimes literate friends who persist in arguing moot points. There’s one in every crowd—who will deny a valid state of logic because they confuse connotation with denotation. To denote is to define. To connote is to imply---distinctions that may be culturally based, or even geographical, for which there is a direct and obvious correlate—and I’m detonating here:  Disagreement based on terminology is unimportant compared to the larger picture. A temple is a church is a place of worship is a meeting hall is a gathering place is a moment in time where individuality combines with “communistic” thought, and adheres to the indisputable laws of the math of evolution. Don’t quibble about that which you simply wish to argue the advocate of the devil. Denotation is provable science, and humans are the same everywhere, regardless of language and…semantics.

Cancer- Currently in the US, there is a distinct lack of acceptability of blood levels in mass produced meat foods. What happened to our love affair with blood? When George Washington was on his deathbed, he was bled- routinely in fact throughout his life. Blood is our lifeblood: blood sacrifice, bloodletting, bloodbaths, blood-a-palooza---Amazing isn’t? In a fraction of a second, we hold breath in our lungs and, this substance zips by, grabs oxygen and transports it to all parts of the body, feeding it and making it strong. But it seems like we’ve become Dexter—remove all traces, so that what is left is pure meat, drained completely of it’s life giving essence. The onset of the Age of Aquarius doesn’t have to be about removing all emotion from daily life. But it is a good step after millennia of bloodbaths and needless killing. Promote lifeblood, promote peace—a logical and sound peace for the good of all. It’s your ‘destiny’

Leo- The thrust of astrology, I’m supposing, is a reflection of our development as a self-aware species, able to “navigate” its own “destiny”. We created astrology, assigning value to the heavens, not out of truth, but out of our own reflection. There is no “truth” out there. There is only (ironically and grammatically awkward…) ourselves. So screw it if your moon is in aries, or your Jupiter is in blah-de-blah. Consider the source. And consider that Gaia is an evolving matrix, and you—an individual, free will and all, are just trying to make sense of it, as is your wont and fate---again, semantics are no way to speak of the not-yet-knowable. Point-is, as Allah allegedly proclaimed: “god’ ‘loves’ infinite diversity”. Sew together the patterns of your will and heaven is yours. 

Virgo- Edward Hyde, 3rd Earl of Clarendon, governor of new york and new jersey 1701-1708, was one hell of a cross dresser. Purportedly, he would dress up, hide behind trees, and pounce on unsuspecting passersby’s and then laugh at them. He is reported to have opened the 1702 New York Assembly clad in a hooped gown and an elaborate headdress and carrying a fan, imitative of Queen Anne. When his choice of clothing was questioned, he replied, "You are all very stupid people not to see the propriety of it all. In this place and occasion, I represent a woman (the Queen), and in all respects I ought to represent her as faithfully as I can." It is also said that in 1707, when his wife died, His High Mightiness (as he preferred to be called) attended the funeral dressed as a woman. He also took bribes, was intolerably corrupt, and died in debt. Cautionary tale? Maybe. You decide. Crossdress if you must, but beware the social consequences. If your secret is too heavy to hold in your hand, the give it to the world and let them sort it out.

Libra- Not to harp on this on-going thesis I have regarding humans vs. plants in a never ending battle to control the earth, but think about this shit: plants make oxygen—which we need to breathe, hence to live. They’ve got us by the cajones, man! No matter our level of agricultural contrivances, plants give us oxygen, hence life. They’re unstoppable in the long run. We create carbon dioxide as a result of our penchant for energy, sans the inevitable byproduct of heat and CO2, and the plants laughing at us, even as we cut down one rainforest at a time. We will have to become very adaptive indeed to overcome the plants’ durability. And yet…maybe that’s the process…as a species we move through timespace and advantage ourselves of whatever resources are available-- supply and demand-- easey-peasey-lemon-squeezey. But what’s underneath our feet may undermine us in the long run should we continue to trample thusly. Watch your tracks as well as your future.

Scorpio- I already know that you’re a Hylozoist, but let’s chat. Hylozoism, as you probably know, at least subconsciously, is the belief that all matter in the universe, which I assume includes the dark meat variety, is alive; or at least has the capacity to spontaneously generate it. Now, before you get on your high horse and argue about the definition of life—let’s just go with carbon and silicon and arsenic based for now. Could the universe be one big pulsating amoeba, with the most intricate of workings? And thereby, making us a working part inside that organism---like the earth, Gaia, or Mother—is a chromosome buried somewhere deep inside Big Mamma Universe Amoeba, or BMUA®…which sure sounds like Gaia—one machine, with countless moving parts. Of which, we are two. And you are also one. You old Hylozoist, you.

PS, read Cancer—it’s right up your veins.

Sagittarius- Homo sapiens began in Africa, and it makes logical sense that they moved north through the Sinai, and then in all directions, since travel by boat was several millennia away. And in my humble futuristic opinion, there is a correlation between this relatively small isthmus of travel through the “middle east”, to the violence and social instability that we see in the region today, despite the best efforts of now long gone european powers that once existed with the supreme mandate: to rule the entire earth and all its people and resources. It’s the Grand Central Station of all of humanity’s egress from the Motherland, Africa. Our birth led us on different paths, dictated by geography and climate…one peninsula that acts as a hinge of power—and luckily sitting on oil…and the crossroads of humanity. Pointis, you are here, just like on mall maps. Where next?

Capricorn- The ‘spice of life’ makes me think of anthropology and humanity and geography. And yes, this is another installment of ‘how the Pants thinks that plants are trying to take over the world—always have, always will, and we must stop them, or at least cultivate the ones we like and kill everything else. But before sciencey times, when accumulated knowledge had enough time to simmer, spices, aka plants…were the progenotor of our development as a species. The Spice Trade (which has been around longer than any industry on earth), spearheaded humanity’s evolutionary path with the likes of cinnamon, ginger, musk and ambergris. The pursuit of which, drove humanity to favor certain plants. Who are the masters and who is the would-be usurper? Watch your ass, I’m just sayin’It looks nice and people want it.

Aquarius- We’re well on our way to figuring out, to some ridiculously small detail, how the universe is actually and literally put together. We should probably get going on a space based super collider, which would in even more absurd detail show us the very latticework on which reality is built. Hopefully it’s not a house of cards that a curious species with a super collider could destroy themselves with, along with countless layers of the multiverse, pissing off ‘god’ in a big way. Pointis, if you read the XXXX horoscope, my new theory is that our universe is a small part in an even bigger and grander machine that grows eternally and has always existed. And always will—will being the key and watch word. Keep in mind, the multiverse is infinite, and we’re only beginning to get an inkling of a clue. Breathe deep. And read Gemini.

Pisces- You have an overabundance of hither AND thither happening right now. A deluge of higgledy, and a preponderance of piggeldy are also weighing you down. And yet—there’s a severe dearth of hokey pokey and/or a dearth of hocus pocus. But in terms of flotsam AND jetsam—you have a plethora of multitudes—lots of shipwreck and jettisoned ballast, polluting the waters of your oceanic piscean mind. Your beaches—the air induced meeting of land and sea, have been slicked oily by unfair merchants and businessmen and privateers with neither care nor interest for the sanctity of earth-- of Gaia the Mother—giver of life and creator of souls, as well as sci-fi and futurism, and soft serve ice cream from Top Cone in Rockford, Ill. Beauty ill defined is still beauty—and ugly is an illusion, an evolutionary choice. Evolve and stop judging.