Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                                 

disclaimer: Satire is not what you think. And, it’s still not, so eat your peas.

this week: the exact moment of free will’s birth, whence divided reality from singularity was/is/mightbe/ noneofyourbeeswax, so shut your pretty mouth.

Doc P’s Word of the Week: louche. People with only one eye have gotten the shaft, being associated with such low dealing scoundrels. You see an eyepatch---give ‘em a break.

Aries-  I’ve said It before--plants rule the world. But before our feature presentation, consider the frugivore. Yes, you read rightly- frugivore, meaning an animal whose diet consists primarily of fruit- pretty much like most of our simian cousins. Now consider that seeds in fruit have found ways to achieve maximum seed dispersal by appearing sweet and delicious and dietarily advantageous. Consequently, because of our ambulatory proclivities, seeds may move their progeny away from the parents in spacetime, allowing for further evolution and expansion. Fer sure, that’s brilliant bullcrap. The plants are using our intestines to take over the world. Luckily, we developed agriculture, which kind of gives us temporary power over plants; until we screw up the whole system with unwise irrigation and advanced bio chemical weaponry coursing through our food chain. Eat local, eat organic---beware the catch phrases, for we may live in a vending machine.

Taurus- How well are you acquainted with the dictamnus? The burning bush—as in the Burning Bush…not the pornographic std reference, which guaranteed, was your initial reaction…nor a foul plot disguised as shrubbery intended to take over the steerage of our country--cough—cheney, rove, profiteers, oil, texas, saudis, etc…..but rather the biblical bush; which much like the plagues of Egypt, may have had actual natural causes and may be relative proof of a relative degree of historical accuracy. The dictamnus, aka the gas plant, has a ‘distinct’ smell during summer, and probably as a defense mechanism, is covered with a flammable oil. It’ll burst flamewise, faster than the 60 year old gas heater that ‘warms’ my house come winter’s time, taking eyebrows and calmative with it. What a plant! What evolution! What “random” chance that such a thing could exist! Go easy and watch your metaphorical dictamnus.

Gemini- Your whimsy is bounded only by the extreme depths of wowee wow wow vistas and sultry roadside attractors that the subatomic and macroscopic have to offer our current linear understanding; vis-à-vis our evolved binocular vision and entranced mindsets that are effervescent at mind’s opening, but prolapse into flat sugary water the more we swish it around our palettes dreaming of what could be rather than what seems always not, and what appears to be forever untouchable by hands that crave love and acceptance in such an ardent fashion, as mine do yours, and as yours inevitably leave for the next foundation, goal, desire, WHIM, wind, or tidal forces that mold atoms into a matrix I can grasp with my own tentacles and squirt with my own ink. Dive deep.

Cancer- There’s a person- our brethren, our blood, living somewhere, I don’t know, maybe it’s the last amazon tribe that hasn’t been wiped out by our civilized poison, or a maligned people in South Sudan, or some folks just getting the shaft out in good ol’ USA somewheres likes coal miners, under the table gun dealers, lettuce pickin’ migrant workers, or corporations that now officially have a soul—and a legal one at that. There’s a person, a tribe, a gang, an affiliation of unfettered and disfederated states, a rogue cadre of nomads and alchemists, a band of globe trotting hoopsters that claim “to know the way”---there are all of those people, and the numbers are ridonkulously ginormous. You are but one—one mind, one heart, one soul—one person, traveling wickedly through the ether, waiting for some thing that we know not of. Dream further and farther than you have ever dreamt before and you can not possibly miss yourself.

Leo- Peppers are hot because they evolved a defense mechanism against certain microorganisms that were trying to kill them. Capsaicin is the chemical compound that makes my face and nuts twist up whenever I think I need to prove myself, or that perhaps, my bowels need to prove themselves. Consequently, a portion of our diet that is responsible for muy mas macho and is actually healthy for me---convergently evolved alongside us, or possibly because of us. However, I’m not here to continue the moot debate between chicken and egg, aka politician and graft, or good and evil. What I’m merely in awe of, is the flexible complexity, not to mention the speed of it all, which is probably based on ultimately, environmental decay, considering the planet simply will not live forever. Carpe Viridiplantae and eat hearty food that challenges you.

Virgo- We are newcomers in the world of sperm---scientifically speaking; please keep your filthy mind from gutter related proceedings whilst I make a feeble point: plants have different sexes. Plants have sperm. Heck and hokum! A gymnosperm is an ancient species of plant that today is considered a living fossil, which as an idiot corollary, I consider rather nifty. Monkeys may be our cousins, but plants are our forbears. They may seem primitive, but they are actually much hardier than we pitiful homos. The word gymnosperm itself says to me that plants are literally working out, building muscle and plotting world domination. Some of them even eat meat! They can even survive our attempted murder via an out of control military industrial complex that insists on stronger strains of anthrax, and hoppier beer. Keep an eye on your sperm, both literal and metaphorical.

Libra- If scientists observe everything, and everything we observe is affected by the very nature of our observation—btw thanks, Heisenberg—your principles are indeed deliciously uncertain; anyhowdy, if so, verily are we not always conscious of our life, and isn’t that perception self validated; that is to say, are we not who we believe we are, even though that perception is biased and angled and ankled by the myopic entity we are? How many strings and how many ‘verses can we name before madness sets in? Can we ever truly separate ourselves from our own devices? Must I forever be hoisted on mine own petard, even though the sapient serpent droppeth like the gentle dew of mercy, which is never, ever strained; save for fools and reptilian justice. Meditate and observe before writing down your results. The future just hasn’t happened yet.

Scorpio- Plants are using our intestines to take over the world, and considering that they were on the planet first, we might be screwed---unless we make friends, rather than slaves of our green forbears. Case in point, apes eat fruit, and poop out the seeds farther from the parent fruits, thereby spreading their progeny farther apart in spacetime, which allows for maximum seed dispersal, and better odds of survival. And the rabbit hole goes even deeper. Maybe bacteria created us so that they could eventually tool around the universe, or at present anyway, around the solar system. We control nothing, and I’m not saying our whims are not our own, but those single celled organisms evolved first, and we are their spaceships. I think they mean well, just try to listen, and let their singularity guide your launch windows.

Sagittarius- Crazy light waves/particles/semantics travel the distance from the sun to the earth in about 8 minutes. It bears repeating, 8 minutes. Also bearing towards true north, is the 93 million miles it has to travel to reach my window at about 6pm on a solstice in late june—the northern earth in full bloom, replete with wild consternations and constellations, fungi in a panoply of shapes regardless of the angle of your particular social dynamic and sensual proclivities and conundrums. And the real bear, not bearing directly on the ursine nature of your arrow shooting ways, the real bear is the one inside that russian head inside your own that has seen too many winters and tunguskan events to not be a little wary. The crazy photons illumining your visage are indeed a miracle. Act accordingly and let the light make shapes on your eyes wide shut.

Capricorn- Before the computer screen, we used typewriters-- movable print, all thanks to a dude named Gutenberg-- not Steve….wow, I almost crapped myself there---where was I? Anyhowdy, as one would type, the ideas would flow in a more ‘direct’ manner from imagination, both subatomic and platonic—through the nerve endings, and consequently, my free will, in the written form, gets blasted ‘up’ward in a matrix defined only by aforementioned imagination, whose bond is strengthened by the use of such a manual device---unless…the next stage in our exponentially advancing understanding of self and most hidden loose affection, changes the very route upon which our impulses travel-- from free will, to axons, to dendrites, and technically fissionable material in subatomic freeforall®. Unglue your eyes, rent Short Circuit and go with the river’s flow.

Aquarius- What drives you, metaphorically? And literally? Is there even a drive at all? Do you even have access to a motorized mechanized vehicle (and money for fuel) with the ability and training to even operate such a rolling deathtrap? Despite the inherent uncertainty of our universe, and depending of course upon the reference point, vantage point, pointofview®, perspective, singularity-osity, and the vague tangents at length that will be explained in full, if you have the software (and patience) to download the appropriate compression rate---wait, fart-- who are we to compress anything, really? Are we not an expanding matrix, devoid of purpose, except to fill any vacuum that will accommodate us? Bear in mind, that being in neutral means you’re still in motion.

Pisces- Your crystalline structure is matrixed and muggled and superfluously entwined with bare bottomed, slippery slidey fancy pants knickerbockers that outline your gracious and alluring buttocks; to the which and from the tongue, I would entwine and entwissel all my energies toward worshipping your corporeal temple mouthwise-- as a platitude, a watchword, a holy sigul pointing heavenward, and asking not for reward, but for toe curling, orgasmic gratuities and ingenuities of the most divine nature. You crafty, clever, survivalist nutjob…you hearken back to a time of primordial sensuality and crocodilian sensibilities. You are right to always look skyward, for that’s where the future lies---and it always speaks truth.

      Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                     

                                 

disclaimer: Satire won’t dance. Don’t ask me. It won’t dance, darling, with you.

this week: Balls-- balls of all sort, color and shape. Mostly rounded ones though.

Doc P’s Word of the Week: Sardanapalian. I don’t want to point fingers, but Assyria might still be here if not for a certain namesaking, snake fornicating hedonist. Too soon?

Aries- Allow me to make this unclear: Hey diddle diddle, / The Cat and the fiddle / 
The Cow jumped over the moon / The little Dog laughed to see such sport / And the Dish ran away with the Spoon. The bunny hole goes deep on this one, so get out your conspiracy hats. It could be an Egyptian reference to worship of a god named Hathor—creepy name, yet decent god, one of life and protector of people and principle. It could also be referencing the Exodus. Yeah, like the Exodus, from Egypt with all the polytheism, snake worship, and pyramid fetish, and eventually, canal building. Or, maybe, the Brits were into anthropomorphizing stuff that particular decade, because as the British Empire took over the world, they became too knowledgeable, too worldly, and their insular island nature took over and the meaning became esoterically lost amongst star patterns long gone, that their logic is simply ungraspable to us; like the first humanoids to control fire. We are simply too different. Maybe Jung will help. Define your cow, and the why of her lunar jumping.

Taurus- Sardanapalus, the last king of Assyria really blew it. He exceeded all previous rulers in sloth and luxury, dedicating his whole life to self-indulgence. He also dressed in women's clothes and wore make-up. He loved concubines, both female and male, and allegedly equine. He wrote his own epitaph, which stated that physical gratification is the only purpose of life; which fueled a whole generation of influence on people like Byron and Delacroix, who were trying to reconnect with a lost age of decadence, both in abuse of spirit and pursuit of art and beauty. And what is left now, besides paintings and poetry that will never again be read nor seen en masse again, is just a word; one so out of context that it too will be lost to time. Don’t be so sardanapalianish, it’s rude.

Gemini- I assume Beckett was inspired to write Waiting for Godot while he was doing laundry. There are few places where one can witness human beings doing nothing but pure waiting. Sure, there’s bus stops and airports, and the ubiquitous lines for the women’s bathroom, but those are waits with a much grander purpose: to go somewhere, to do something hopefully fun, but probably just work or urinating. Laundromats, on the other sock, are havens for the mundane. Televisions playing telenovelas, getting a sore ass from uncomfortable benches; and in the end, watching the socks compete with the jeans as they spin their mathematical cotton guts out. And as a reward for the waiting, you get to fold clothes. Banal and jejune indeed, much like waiting for godot, whoever the hell he is. This week, there may be waiting involved, but I assure you, that the reward is much greater than tumble dry freshness that smells like country rain.

Cancer- You are crazy wisdom. You’re a modern day shaman. It bears grokking that as a shaman, the changeling, the intuitive mind tuned in to other frequencies, you have a great responsibility to translate for society the minutiae of the unseen world. Most of us do not possess your abilities; which is what the Emperor wants. But he’s creepy and I suspect also into little boys---in an illegal way. Palpatine is a pederast, Dude, he did 6 months in Chino. Point is, one mind out of 12 thousand, is an adept; sym- and em- pathetic to the depths of human feeling, while simultaneously in constant contact with all the cool stuff outside the purview of my mortal scientific reach. I am a mere mathematical empath. You have the tools and the talent. Come forth and bring out my mind’s eye so that all truth may be granted air to escape into space.

Leo- You are a chemistry of cocktails, with an alcohol content proof enough to change electrons to asparagus and innards to jelly, all the while maintaining a slippery hold on my grip on the earth. Sky dive with me and meet the ground with me, all gravity and fearlessness and joie de vivre; and we will see how the two of us are meant to be, irrepressible like the seas, oceans of water that connect our planet to god, and us toward procreation and youth oriented fountains. Yes, deism is arbitrary and at times, barbarous

, but the beauty of it is inescapable: one universe creating others, creating others, copying us via subatomic strings ad infinauseum®, dancing together for eternal life times, with multiple incarnations. Let’s do lunch.

Virgo- The new Rock/Paper/Scissors will assume the following order, phylum/etc: French Toast /Waffles/Pancakes. Assuming a traditional maple syrup is available, as well as an agreed upon quality designation for each item, the rules are as follows: French Toast beats Waffles. Waffles beat Pancakes. And Pancakes beat French Toast. The main reason for the change is Belgium. As usual, the same folks who brought you blood diamonds and delicious beer, feel the need to market more waffles to a growing global population. Consequently, the fist will represent pancakes, the two fingers will be french toast (the new version of the Longbowman salute), and waffles will be the flat palm that used to be paper. And try not to think about the irony that maple syrup was a product of the New World, and that prior to 1500, waffles had to be covered in fruit. Your future, like the game of representational fisticuffs, is unwritten and all the world is green.

Libra- The Most Noble Order of the Garter is not a one of Victoria’s secrets. And while it does have a history with sexy lady leg straps, it is also the highest order of brit chivalry, or britvalry®. The current queen is the Monarch of the Garter and the Prince of Wales is The Knight Companion of the Garter. Garters have been a thing for centuries amongst the uptight Brits, not only as a symbol of sexy time with various duchesses, but also among knights, whose garters were part of their big metal ensembles. And not unironically, the Order’s origins have to do with shame. At a court ball somewhen in the 1300’s, the Countess of Salisbury was dancing a jig and makin’ it rain, when her garter slipped. Oh, the humanity! King Edward III, to save her honor, coined the phrase, honi soit qui mal y pense, which in Middle French means, shame upon him who thinks evil upon it. The lesson lieth in a state of grace and acceptance of the inescapable inner sexy that you exude like sun from the stars.

Scorpio- The now defunct Hawaiian code of conduct known as kapu, was unreasonably harsh when dealing with bananas, pork and cocoanut. Those foods were considered the earthly forms of certain gods, and consequently off limits to all women. Men can eat pork tacos wrapped in banana leaves all they want; but to allow women to ingest god flesh---that could cause all sorts of damage. And punishment for such kapu was of course, death. Except famously for the young girl Kapiolani, destined for queenhood. She was curious about the taste and sent a servant boy to fetch her some. We’ll never know what she thought of the taste of such forbidden fruit, but we do know the punishment of death for committing kapu, went to the little servant boy. Beware forbidden fruit, but if you’re gonna eat it, savor it until the pigs fly home because we only live once, probably.

Sagittarius- Three Blind Mice is a much older rhyme than the Stooges would have you believe. The most common interpretation is that the mice actually represent three protestant bishops burned at the stake by Queen Mary the I. Ahh, burning at the stake; what a lovely way of saying how much you love your savior, and how much you believe in papal supremacy, the engendering of martyrdom, which in no way entrenches the beliefs of the opposition. Believe it or not, we are about to enter an age where such lines in the sand, will be erased by tides, both neap and red. The armchair pastors of late night television that we’ve grown up with, are now meaningless electronic blips on a radar screen that no one is at the helm of. The common idea is that there can be no ONE THING, one ideology, belief, or any philosophic system whatever. We are too large for homogeneity. Tolerance is the watchword. Do with it what you can. Save you it will.

Capricorn- The Peaches of Immortality are a real pain in the ass to get a hold of. The leaves take a thousand years to grow, and it takes another three thousand for the fruit to grow and ripen. But they are damn good peaches. They’re so good, they make you immortal. Hopefully you’re not spending the next thousand years moving the peaches through your immortal bowels. You know, there’s always a catch. You can live forever, but the world ends next week, sorry. These peaches taste like god’s open mouth kisses, but you’ll have the runs for a millennia. But, it’s not like you wouldn’t eat them. A thousand years of intestinal distress would surely be worth an infinite amount of time, right? Just think of all those centuries without irritable bowel.

Aquarius- When the zombies come, I’ll need an axe. I’m uncomfortable with guns. I would consider a machete though; some kind of jungle hacking weapon. Neartimes, you will be upon decisionmount and need praywise find a weapon of choice, a friend on whatsay, you can depend: bullets and fire and killing in the name of…Trust and Betrayal. Fire and Ice. Pancakes vs Waffles. Will we ever get out of this place? There’s something happening here. It starts when you’re always afraid. Paranoia strikes deep. You better stop, hey- what’s that sound, everybody look what’s goin’ round. The zombies are just  a metaphor and a defunct band. Lay down your arms and let them rot into plowshares.

Pisces- The Lost Monarch is a sequoia tree in NorCal. It’s the third largest living tree on earth. And its location is secret, known only to a few rarified botanists, so that the general public won’t go traipsing around, carving initials into her bark and littering the ground with beer cans and used condoms. It is telling indeed, that to protect parts of the earth, we need to keep them secret. Like the underground seed bunker and repository in Sacandahoovia somewhere. Or the alien ship in Area 51. Or the secrets of the freemasons. Or Michael Jackson’s kids. The Lost Monarch should stay lost. As humanity matures, I find it comforting that there will be secrets to be uncovered by a farther generation, one less populated and strained, and one more interested as a whole in leaving no footprints; a civilization with a Prime Directive, allowing life to evolve without tainting its course. Whatever you do influence, do it sweetly.

      Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                      

                                 

disclaimer: Satire is 23 in terms of its nature, the current earth’s tilt, etc.

this week: I am Number 23.

Doc P’s Word of the Week: the. If you can even come close to telling me what it means-- I will buy you a burrito. And a soda, but not a Pepsi, they suck.

Aries- I had it in my head that ob la di ob la da was a fancified liverpudlian way of jazzing my ears with meaningless syllables, forcing me to cop to the ways of their isolated island sense of humor. I apologize. Andy, you were right. Much of the “valid” internet sources seem to verify that the phrase means either ‘life goes on’, or ‘what will be, will be”, aka ‘que sera, sera…” There is, however, no way to prove that African bongo player they knew, wasn’t just the world’s biggest Doris Day fan. Therefore, I’m not going to pay you the dollar I promised you, Andy. Instead you can instead take away the knowledge that you have bested a self professed pseudo know it all on his own pseudo petard. This is your special week, use it wisely.

Taurus- Conception is a strange conceptual corn popper of a kerfuffle. It describes a moment in time, where two different things come together and become a new paradigm; something new gets thought up—at least new to your brain bucket, right? Disparate ideas that somehow make a new pattern which hopefully can be articulated by your THC laden brain and brought to earth by your valium’d mouth and predictably wicked tongue. One or more rivers of thought energy, one sperm and one egg, one “new” moment that even god had not imagined happening-- happens. And you are born; a bizarre mutation in a subset of systems designed to ghost your machine until all sides of the pan are greased for an idea’s birth; nothing into beingness, matter brought life-full and dragged through countless previous incarnations’ obsessions and fetishes, all without meaning.

Conceive, but refuse to deceive.

Gemini- Thankfully, ‘total depravity’ has its own Wikipedia page. Turns out, the rabbit hole goes even deeper. The Doctrine of Total Depravity (DTD) has been bandied about for centuries. Thanks to a certain Calvin making the whole christendom an even bigger kerfuffle, the DTD has something to do with the idea that because of original sin; that man is incapable of choosing to give himself over to god’s will; in effect, that only god may choose who will receive salvation. Or as John Edwards, 18^th century American theologian puts it: the holy rape of the soul. Wow, how…poetic? God takes you into his arms in a holy rape embrace. Who else could use a drink? Your life is not totally anything, save for you and yours; but what you choose defines a different you for the next wacky scenario where you have to decide the definition of your mettle. I say, ride the wild turtle. It may be your last chance.

Cancer- The damage I could do if I had no filter. If it weren’t for some considerably strong forces of restraint that I possess; and yet even those, hanging merely by threads so bare that all hope must truly be lost, probably at any moment, to a dragon or a criminal with rabid intent, or a torturous tree climbing turtle with a trunculating turntable of devious deeds and miscreant mannerisms, designed with love, to find my greatest weaknesses and exploit them, like a state sanctioned Alaskan Wildlife Refuge. But yet… silence is a teacher. Putting pride secondary, if only briefly, is a doorway to wisdom, because it forces the matrix to make another, hopefully less violent, choice; to get creative and open doors to the potential of a united human spirit scientifically exploring the multiverse, sans rancor, or divisions, or empty hearted bigotry. Dump your filter.

Leo- Let’s not squirt fart juice around the obvious here. Let us also not squat on parsimonious ceremony with knees spreadeagled, allowing passage for all sorts of demons to our inner sanctums. The Four Tops are legendary, and they will remain a part of important rock history, until there simply is no more rock. But The Temptations…they are a cosmic quartet of unquestionable coolness and vibrational groovy. Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone, My Girl, Just My Imagination, Ball of Confusion… If you don’t know these songs, your education is truly lacking. Bernadette? Really? I call bullshit. Sugar Pie Honeybunch? Please, don’t insult me with your candy coated crayon drawn songs. Take this with you: The Band Plays On… but you name the tune.

Virgo- Your oblique asymptote is resistant to change on any societal level, which in turn, may affect the volume of alcohol per capita in a divided space such as your rectum or your verisimilitude. I feel I must be direct, so be not shocked at the voracity and bluntness of my claims. You’re an inverse trapezoid with a penchant for crab cakes and juice topped off with booze. You’re a pianist in a world of cornholing, a case of silly string in a room where all the hands and feet remain bound and all the ids remain gagged, and nary but a dentist lies nearby. I’ve tried foul mouthing, and carpet bagging, and depilatory innard scraping. Nothing seems to get through. I admire your courage of conviction, and hope you can keep burning the midnight oil long into the time when we use algae for food to fuel our robot bodies and programmed libidos. Find your x-y axis.

Libra- There’s still oil leaking from the USS Arizona, which currently resides at the bottom of Pearl Harbor. And the men who never escaped the doomed ship are still on board. And to this day, the survivors, may opt for cremation and internment within the sunken Arizona, so that they may rest alongside so many of their comrades in arms before their time was fairly due. The most tragic is that an early version of radar had discovered the incoming Japanese fleet and could have warned the island’s defenses, but were dismissed as nothing important. There’s nothing funny; I have no jokes. Sanctioned killing involves no mercy. My point is about when you authorize slash and burn strategems, and eye for an eye justice. I’m not saying turn some other cheek. I’m saying, react differently, and surprise yourself with ensuing empathy and naked peace.

Scorpio- The honey bear is a brilliant invention, no? A) It looks like a cute little bear; B) you squeeze him around the middle and he pours out his sweet sweet bear nectar, and most importantly, C) the bottle is designed to stay upside down, ensuring that it will be ready to pour when you are. If you were a honey bear, I would squeeze the bee juice right out of you till it covered us both in sweet sticky ropes of life force that would mold us together toward some new end, some new purpose; two into one; you, me and the collective makes three. Flowers draw bees, that extract pollen to serve the queen, bears eat honey, then I read another adventure of Winnie the Pooh, and get a craving for honey toast, which makes me think of you, and we come full circle. Sort of. Eat sweetly, my sweet.

Sagittarius- When I was recently in Kauai, I arrived at the end of 50 inches of rain, which, for the wettest spot on earth is a lot when it happens in 2-3 days. The island’s rivers were brown with mud, roads impassable, and even the natives could not believe the rain soaked poi and preponderance of rainbows that seem almost criminal in retrospect. Turns out that annually, Kauai loses thousands of metric tons of dirt; wettest spot on earth equals highest rate of erosion—math, it’s boring, but it’s all true. Anyhowdy, that means that the current height of the island at 5200ft. minus all the erosion that has taken place over centuries, means that the island may once have been as tall as 14,000ft. Wow, numbers are big when compared to human time scale. Our global terrarium is immense indeed. Consider that when immersed in planning your biodome.

Capricorn- People like you, and me, although this is about you, don’t want to steal any thunder, but WE CAN’T STOP BEING SEXY®. Yeah, I own that. But it applies to you. Your oversized glands, your obsession with pancakes made with human produced yeast, your sarcastic flattery, you swarthy hips and feminine thighs that call to me like a yodeling moose pack, travelling in witness protected herds… where was I? Your Mary Pickford sashay, your impudent bowel movements and clown-like appendages… You, with your nacre knickers and frost bitten fingertips. WE CAN’T STOP THE SEXY. You may as well ask if I will settle down and/or find the proper medication. WE ARE SEXY. AND NOTHING CAN STOP US. NOTHING CAN STOP US. NOTHING…

Aquarius- I grew up in the 80’s. And yes, and it was true, the 80’s did make the 50’s look like the 30’s. Part of the glue that holds society together, part of the basic framework, is fear. Fear of the other, the opposition, change, new ideas, anything really, because fear actually makes us stick and work together while not being pulled apart by our chaotic individuosity. And in the 80’s, we were dealing with a known quantity of evil: the soviets and nuclear armageddon: Red Dawn, mutual assured destruction, nuclear fallout and zombie mutant hunting on what was christmas day. Today, kids grow up with multiple and unknown fears: global warming, economic collapse, weaponized viruses, identity theft, overpopulation, etc ad infinauseum®, and oy vey. Just a reminder to include environmental perspective in your ongoing analysis of everything. When you are defines the pedestal of truth upon which you sit.

Pisces- Now that I have plied you with my words and cajoled you prettily into a semblance of order, rather than boundless depth of despair, might I make one more plea; for you to use your intellect—which is impressive, but that your intellect is the key to not getting lost in the emotional morass that poops and pops up in your territories, provinces and chattel farms; the quicksand of self denial, originally intended for Judas, but whose mantel you have claimed as a bithmarkright® and entry into the highest realms of self immolation and unnecessary surgery. I urge you to remain a scientist for as long as possible, without letting go of the hurricane about to hit land on your shore. She will take you exactly where you want to go.

      Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                     

                                 

disclaimer: How many Transits of Venus have there been? The answer is calculusable, but Newton is dead and we are amidst this one, swimming beneath the forest, were it not for the trees.

this week: In Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

Doc P’s Word of the Week: doodlesack. It is indeed a sack, but not the kind you think.

Aries-  I swear the following is true bullshit: The state beverage of 20 different U.S. states is milk. My intellectual takeaway from this information is twofold: 1) we have official state beverages and no one told me, what the fudge?, and 2) milk, really? Nebraska couldn't decide, so made a split decision, milk and Kool-Aid. Indiana though, went way forward. Their state beverage is water. Water. Granted, the giver and sustainer of life, the universal solvent even, but really, water? Hoosier water. Maird. That's why California is the greatest state-- we chose wine. In legislatus veritas, no? Call your congressperson and toast them with a big fat glass of cabernet.

Taurus- Bill and Ted’s Hella Bogus Adventures, Part 3: Timealiscious. Surf’s up and the time is right. I’ll write the treatment. Wait, shut the front door—what about an animated show on AdultSwim? Pilot episode with special guest stars---full disclosure: I’ve already talked to Keanu, and he’s in. The San Dimas Totally Tubular Animated Awesome Show®. I’m not married to the title, but it is clearly rad and gnarly. Your horrorscope for the week, should you choose to accept it, is to get us in a room where we can make this deal happen. The time machine phone booth awaits.

Gemini- Hey, where’s our remake of Big Trouble in Little China, with a cameo for Kurt freaking Russell? And where the fudge was he in The Expendables? Why are we not running a studio? Greatest American Hero is begging for a new interpretation, and even though my hero Robert Culp has passed, I am ready to step up into the role. And don’t get me started on the revamping of the show Manimal that I’ve had planned since that show’s early demise. I have several other brilliant ideas, and your horrorscope should you have the cajones to accept it, is take all your brilliant ideas and spread them to the world, regardless of the snickering you may her behind you. Your ideas will pay off, but you must believe in them and ignore the naysaying nabobs.

Cancer- Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitan is the longest name for a place in the world at a ridiculous 85 letters. It's like a stroke for your tongue and a coronary for your frontal lobe. It's a hill in New Zealand, that in the Maori language roughly translates to: 'The summit where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, the climber of mountains, the land-swallower who travelled about, played his nose flute to his loved one'. How a population with a mostly oral history tradition can keep track of this verbose lore leads me to believe the Maori must be operating on a higher level. I recommend you channel, emulate and star in as many Maori dreams as your brain can handle. For extra oomph, use your nose flute.

Leo- Newly discovered by scientists deep in the ocean, a creature called a 'pigbutt worm' resembles most closely a floating, disembodied buttocks. Don't believe me?--Google it. It feeds on 'marine snow', organic material sinking from the photic to the aphotic zones, recycling its energy and eventual rebirth in the ocean's oxygenless depths, most closely resembling our eternal journey through the Tao. I find it ironic that such a beautiful analogy is a poop eating worm that looks like a pig's butt. Meditate on that and get back to me.

Virgo- It’s a cruel irony that the blue whale, the earth’s largest mammal has the smallest genitalia. The females too. It’s a real issue that isn’t being covered by the mainstream media and the talking heads that dominate political discussion, turning tiny whale junk into another lost cause. At least we’re still allowing certain cultures to hunt our small cocked brethren to extinction though. Maybe their junk is so small because of how cold the water is. Put a whale on land, and it becomes porn star worthy. I’m anxious for the day when sea mammals evolve and move onto the land and use their giant genitals for good, for the betterment of their race and our integrated society.

Libra- Your charisma, your juju, your mojo, your je ne sais quoi—your sorcery is imperceptible at close range until one looks deeply into your irises; flora that bring to the mind of a star gazer, a more impressionistic time, where the world was allowed to be softer, less brazen and full of soft serve ice cream on hot summer days that seemed endless when we were young, because time, then, was infinite. A day could last forever. Life existed in between sleeps, which were more frequent that desired. Your karmic charisma is divinely conferred and resplendent in the eyes of the creator. Your joie de vivre should be in The Smithsonian. Your mucho macho mojo should be reproduced by an environmentally friendly company and given as booster shots to all the children of the world. You are the fifth element. Act accordingly.

Scorpio- Ok, so Cytheria is a Greek Island, one of two that purport to be the birthplace of Aphrodite. Yeah—the Aphrodite. And from our current perception, the concept of a god seems somewhat archaic. Not nearly archaic enough for the likes of a certain Professor Dawkins, with whom I don’t completely disagree, nevertheless&anyhowdy, there never were any gods, just us humans, some of whom have the ability to seem godlike; but as time progresses, how we perceive history and time and gods, evolves; and perhaps, Aphrodite was a real person, believed to be a god and orally transmuted as a god down through the generations because back then, we had more gods amongst men/women. Today we simply have a lot more “permanently” recorded history to muddle our thoughts and complicate and copulate our philosophy. You are Aphrodite, mother of all.

Sagittarius- Guillaume Le Gentil—what a pisser. In 1761 he tried to see the Transit of Venus out in the Indian Ocean, to lay out some heavy calculations that would have made his name synonymous with the likes of the great Emmy Noether(!) Sadly, he got waylaid by war, politics, and gunpowder. Trying again 8 years later, the weather stopped him. He was obsessed with the Transit and not surprisingly went mad. He returned home to find his wife remarried, his estates bankrupt, and the next Transit not occurring till 1874, well out of reach. He wanted to have his head frozen, so he had his body interred in a glacier. With global warming, he might have another chance in 2117. I hope you don’t go as far unto madness to reach your goals. Be cool, and let them come to you.

Capricorn- A famous Sanskrit verse tells us that “our present is the result of all our yesterdays, and the future depends on how well we live today”. Well... today I would like bourbon for breakfast and black licorice for lunch, and then a nap. I want the return of Naked Tuesdays and an easier way to get my fix. I want freedom for my brothers and sisters, who even today, suffer bondage and persecution. I want underwear that doesn't hamper my balls' natural range of motion. I want to become chocolate, so that I can experience one of your own obsessions. I want many things. Get out of your sleepy bunk, sailor-- this may become funk-a-liciously weird and esoterically slippery.

Aquarius- This week, a Transit of Venus occurred which only happens in pairs, separated by 8 years and spread across over 100 years. The next one will not occur til 2117. If, by happenstancing, you are alive in 2117, will you, provided your memory remains intact depending on what percentage robot you are, please think back to this moment, in the now, as you read these words, and write down your observations? Is there a connection between the you that existed in both events years apart? Does the past feel irretrievable, or have we foundried a way to cement the two temporal dimensions, creating a passage of travel, a virtual panama, so that we may traverse the strings as easily as our ancestors perambulated on moonbeams and tickled sacred ivories, that cannot forget, because quite simply, it’s not in their natures.

Pisces- You pisces folks are full of it—full of unconditional love, not for yourselves of course—what a waste of time, but rather for others around you, hell- even people you haven’t even met yet. And while it may be your most attractive quality, it’s also why you and I are triflingly at odds, close quarters and a five cup coffee maker. You are a blowhard of love, you spew like Old Faithful, like a nectar of effluvium and ambergris, spouting love from your blowhole, until I am forced to harvest it, not merely for the bounteautiful® purity of it of, like the illustrious black pearl, or emerald diamond hybrid, aka a diamorold®, but because I hope you take your medicine as forthrightly as you give it out, so that as your new spring coalesces into grace and personal bean sprouting.