Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –Posit: if the multiverse is in expansion mode, then perhaps and also posit that: the speed at which consciousness evolves also expands, even if only in ultra-micro-subatomic-nano-micrometers, that even in our short lives, we bear witness to a noticeable increase in the speed of evolution, and yet woe to our inescapable mortal ageism, decreasing our physical ability to see and witness the wonder of worlds and parallel universii® and life without end that exists forever and has always existed forever, world(s) and universii® without end. But for now, ignore thy grammar, and just bask and palaver in the photonic, yet tintinnabulational waves of an Aries sun, Happy Birthday, and take no prisoners, take no shite! This, aka the NOW, now, is YOUR time.

♉ Taurus –Okay, check this shite: everything might be headed toward a butter fire, that’s ironically close to a hydrogen storage facility, loaded with fireworks, as well as that weird clay stuff that blows up, apparently just by attaching metal wires, and HEY—the Dr. Pants t’ain’t neither astronaut, n’r argonaut, but we’s can tells thee truly and thusly: You have achieved full frontal intimacy with a camera that only selects the most beautiful parts of YOU. Your current astrological profile is resplendent with positive change, as well as the endowment of hope toward a most prosperous future, devoid of negativity, and free of useless guilt. Success, success, and yes—success.

♊ Gemini –Everyone has their crack. For some it’s actual crack. For some, it may be gambling and philandering, or chocolate and porn. For others it may be snowboarding, or sending explicit love letters to an inveterate windbag like Rush Limbaugh, complete with semi-nude photos and potential ideas for naughty things we could do together—it’s not technically harassment, but it’s the least he deserves. Hell, for some people, and other twats like him, that jerk is their crack! Crack comes in many more forms other than powder, or a smokeable derivate. Quit your crack, cleanse now, birthday soon.

♋ Cancer –This might seem a tad off schedule for your taste, but due to global warming, various offline temporal snafus and planetary retrograde action, this ensuing week is your Lent, even if you’re not Catholic, or even Jewish, nor neither Tasmanian. Your solar renewal took a big leap with the recent equinox, but before we reach water and shoreline and life itself climbing out of the surf, we’ll be passing thru fire and afterwards earth, and then air and the inception of meaning. Qed: Water is born of fire and air and earth. Interesting. Ponder this shite, and go Lent! Forswear something, even temporarily, that you believe is vital, and change your brain.

♌ Leo –Fyi and full disclosure: I’m en route to the store as you read this, to buy a big jar of peanut oil, the jello shots I made last night—you’re gonna love ‘em, they’re strawberry liqueur and cake batter vodka, so they’re like strawberry shortcake shots! And we’re in strawberry season, almost, so the jello is extra fresh! Anyhoo, once we regain consciousness, and de-oil ourselves—a surprisingly lengthy and annoying process btw, once we’re all refreshed and new, then we do it again. Oh, and by the by, the second set of jello shots has rufie in them. Spring has sprung, and now we ride.

♍ Virgo –So anyhoo, out past the orbit of Saturn are these rocks, an asteroid field, bunch on non conformists that either couldn’t form their own planet, or was a planet that just couldn’t keep it together, and the royal WE (cough—Planetary Society, cough, conspiracy!) have named them centaurs, and some of them probably do resemble horses, as to what percentage shouldn’t be discussed here—too many ears, am I right? That said, we recently discovered one of these debris has its own ring system, like Saturn’s, on a much smaller scale. My point is, is that the odds on a ring system being able to survive amid total chaos, well it must be astrologic- and eco- nomically out there, man! We’re not alone. Go now. Warn the Others.

♎ Libra –DESTROY, DESTROY!! But seriously, there is something to be said of the Aries and Libra opposition, combining with geometric expectations of opposites to be more alike than disparate, a relationship with a free exchange of primordial ideas, mingling your intellectually fiery air, and hopefully fueling Aries fiery ways and means, with a smidgen of temperate and reflective wind to balance out their unavoidable abundance of exuberance. The Dr. Pants doubts that you have to look very far to find an Aries person in your life. Wish that person a happy birthday, maybe even make out with her/him. It’s spring and it’s time to go fishing for whatever you’ve been putting off.

♏ Scorpio –This week, the following posit: a thing, most likely an idea, a light bulb, some deep seated action, a moment of pure shock wave may leap at you from behind, let’s say…THAT DOORWAY! That one, there! You’ll be fine, it’s probably just a trick of the light and shadow, and probably magnetism is in there somewhere, so, this may temporarily throw you off track, but under no circumstances are you to release pressure…not yet. This Sunday starts a two week march to an Aries full moon. Wacky times and naked climes, barreling us towards spring and rebirth and moving on, past all the useless shite, that’s usually nothing more than a paltry and tedious distraction. Explode!

♐ Sagittarius –I hope you’re wearing your fancy undies, because this Sunday is an Aries full moon, the astrological new year, a fire of creation so powerful, it leads us into spring and in a month’s time, roiling and riled under a Taurean sun. We are approaching warp speed for the next couple months, so sure make your shoes are comfortable, get your laundry done, clean the bathroom, chop chop. The Dr. Pants wants you ready for action, at the drop of a proverbial sombrero. The sun and moon are finally en fuego, en Aries. Boom, boom, boom, and oh yes—boom.

♑ Capricorn –Hey there, handsome! Yes, you! Despite your inner negative nancy and proverbially pragmatic nomenclature, YOU, yes YOU, are eligible for the following upgrade: FREE WIFI! AND…hey, let’s talk—fer reals, about stuff: (and this is private…you know what I mean) If anybody could be right about everything, it would likely be a Cap. Okay, so that said: Box. You inside box. Eat box. Poop out box. Explore deeply everything you can once free of box. Come back. Maybe have a sandwich. Aries new moon on Sunday, and we’re off to the races. Pick a mountain you’d like to climb and gear up.

Aquarius ♒ -Under an Aries sun and as of Sunday, an Aries new moon, the royal WE, the Aquarii—regardless of rising or chinese animal sign, and what the Dr. Pants eruditely refers to as, the living example of the Cassandra Complex of the ever evolving zeitgeist, WE, the Aquarii, blessed (?) with such foresight and intellectual autism, WE exist inside a forge of intense heated and desirous penchant for more knowledge, more data, and a fervent need that our transformational oast transmogrify all of us into a more economically viable and blissful phoenix, from the ashes of what we used to call ‘hope’. Now is GO time. Get ready to unleash the mind, and prepare thyself to RUMMMBLE...!

♓ Pisces –You’re sassy and fancy pants, and I bet you decline the need for underwear. You’re a lover of fine film and bold anything. Attracting desire and empathy and sin is what you desire. Pity, the world is so pragmatic and violent. Yet forsooth: if indeed ‘We are the music makers, and We are the dreamers of dreams’, then surely, your deeply entrenched Piscean dreams must be thoroughly potent, and free ballin’ to the max. I casually and inadvertently float this posit: now, under an Aries sun, is the time to plan inexplicably large, and hope for the best. Create now, harvest later.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries - We're all under the onus of the hugeness and magnitude of it all. The multiverse is beyond our ken, the numbers more massive than our ability to comprehend...or...our tech evolves at a faster rate than we can conceive, particularly as the brain ages. Neverthelesser®, we've arrived at yet another equinox—equal day and night, for the whole planet, for a brief second--and maybe for a moment, we'll all attain balance…as we transform from scattered watery Pisces light into arson prone Aries sun time, and in two weeks, a Libra full moon, and all will be perfect...for this one singular ever changing moment. Happy birthday, you hearty hornswoggling scalawag.

♉ Taurus –According to astrological lore, Taurus is the youngest of the three Earth signs, the most immature—in terms of experience, which the Dr. Pants likens to the idea of freshly birthed earth. Grok this posit: Taurean earth energy is most like fresh volcanism, a force wielding and building mountains and continents and Everests, out of sea and alchemistry® and cooling fiery blobs of earlier forms of cosmic god—lowercase g, -like energy. Today is equinox. A moment of recessitude® from the innate impossibility of it all. A new Aries sun is prepping Taurean Earth for yet another rebirth and infinite renewal.

♊ Gemini – These are reckless times, what with a post potent full moon, and today’s equinox, when wild energies can be released, from the sun empowered and eldest of ancient water signs, the doubly fishy Pisces—and hence into Aries—usually of the uncontained wildfire type. Alchemy dot awesome, right? But you’re an air sign, and here’s where the Gemini in our society come into play: as Earth’s massively hot energy cools over millions of years, and water finds the Earth, and soon after atmo, & breathable air—you, the air sign cools and tempers hot roiling seas and slowly sedimentizing volcanic assertions. That’s why your astrological partner is the Sag…balance AND creation. Equi-nox. Party accordingly.

  

♋ Cancer -That alleged green flash that many claim to have seen at sunset, but sure seems like bullshite combined with an over active imagination, and very little science to back it up? Maybe it’s like a four leaf clover—rare and chanced upon. Anyhoo, it’s coming. It’s en route to your unbelieving eyes, of a night where your mind will likely be elsewhere, pondering the secrets of dynamic inter-relationship betwixt you and another soul sibling with too oft pants that over-travel, who nonethewhattheless® will be returning with the spring equinox—which is today, the 20^th. So maybe for the next couple nights, soak up a sunset and plant your seeds of good fortune for the inbound solar new year. Cool shite is coming.

♌ Leo -In case you’ve come down with a slight case of murder on your proverbial hands, minds and/or crotches, I recommend standing down (odd phrase, right?), and desisting all aggressive responses until we get well past—like a solid couple of weeks past today’s equinox. That said, I recommend neither caution nor restraint, but rather the casual tossing of caution to the wind, and letting the breeze take you where it willeth(sp?). The zodiac is renewing itself, alchemically morphing & warping from water into fire. Be the fire from this watery presto change-o. Rebirth and transformative magic is nigh. It’s time. Leo SMASH. Leo, you SMASH now.

♍ Virgo –Hearken! Today is equinox! An alchemical change from sunshine filtered photons dissolving into the salty Lotus Lands of deep Piscean seas, and bursting into fire, with Promethean arrogance, an Aries sun, determined and oozing with liquid fire—flame so hot it would make a Big Bang look like an mere atom bomb test, like the fat plop of a raindrop landing in cake batter. That said, my posit is thus: to slipslide® into Virgo, we go from a fiery Leo sun into your cool jive talking Virginist vibe and the solar wind prevails in a more earthly direction. And after you, we coalesce from Virgin to the freedom of free flowing atmo, the graciousness of a Libran sun. Just sayin—new solar year, and the everlovin’ curse of living in interesting times. Hearken! This equinox bears irony as its shield. Pack accordingly. Save you it can.

♎ Libra –Okay, so you Librans, and Aries—your constellular opposite, own and school all fools this time of the year. As it orbits the sun this big old Earth, also tilts about 23° degrees to the north and south of the celestial equator, and today in fact, we’re halfway through that tilt, around 11.5°, and all the photons we receive will be equal all over The Planet Earth, while astrologically transmogrifying us from a watered down Pisces sun into the fire sign of Aries—your cosmic other. And the next full moon will shine thru a Libran sun. Prepare for explosions of orgasmic intellectual bliss trysts. 

♏ Scorpio –Check this posit: as of today, the equinox, we change from a watery Pisces ocean, deeper than even Scorp seas could dream of. Scorps dig energy out of the earth, as is your cosmic compliment, the Taurus—new earth, freshly birthed from roiling seas and a fiery molten core. But now we’re moving through your opposite transformation: from water into fire. This is birth, while yours may seem obsessed with death and Phoenixes and rising from tombs and whatnot. Near next equinox, we go your way: water to fire, Scorp to Sag. This week, merely try grokking your dynamic opposite, and yet equal. Transformation is the watchword, and there is no spoon.

♐ Sagittarius -Transformative is the watchword, do with it what you can. Tis equinox and freedom and springtime and release and renewal...except in reverse if you're an Aussie or otherwise latitudinally located, and then it would still be transformative, just in another direction, and yet equal and opposite, so yeah, TRANSFORMATIVE is the WATCHWORD. It's equal day and night for a mere second of a trillionth of a nanosecond. One of two biannual moments of balance and alleged harmony. My point is, is that now is the time to engender fortitude and imagination and fierce loyalty to one’s own moral code. Radical energy shift from water into fire. Walk apace to a calming heartbeat and drink in the ongoing alchemy. Its scope is beyond immense and a challenge for our ken.

♑ Capricorn –Amidst the currents of the current stream of the collective un- and sub- conscious(nes(es)…(sp?), today we pass through an equinox, equality of light on a global scale, for like a second probably, and then the earth keeps tilting south of the celestial equator, and thereby retrieving our sun in the name of the NORTHERN hemisphere and sending those down unda’ marsupial aussies back to a wintery hell. Who gets the sun now, huh?? North Hemi, yeah, represent! That said, a multiverse, unimaginatively large and for this one moment, a half a sec—equal light all over planet Earth. This week, consider the very, very large. Daunt you, it may, but let it not dissuade you from brainial expansionist opportunities. Springtime, and a level field of play.

Aquarius ♒ -Welcome to today’s equinox! Brought to you from a wobbly earth ball that tilts up and down as it orbits, warming both northern and southern hemispheres equally, allowing for a back and forth of energy that benefits all land masses and oceans with relatively equal favor—if only those pesky plates would stop drifting. Gaia is active on multiple levels and today is the balanced point betwixt an Aries sun and an upcoming scaly Libra full moon. The Dr. Pants challenges you to grok the energy shift from a slippery Piscean sun lit sea, to fire and spring and Aries and inspire-ation, breathing in the metaphorical first breath of life. Presto. Then, change-o. And voila.

♓ Pisces -Posit this equinox nigh as a metaphor: a brief moment in time, where our squiggly blue blob of a still partly molten rock, covered by water and shielded by air, has an all too brief existence in a flash of equanimity, a quick nanosecond where the current rotation of the Earth allows for mathematically and provably equal parts both day and night. Our orb tilts up and down, roughly at about a 23° angle to the ecliptic, hitting an equinox twice a year, around 11.5°, sharing sunshine equally planetwide—allegedly balanced and harmonized. Today begins a new solar year. Go make something worthy of it.  

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –How clever one surmises themselves to be, is usually inversely proportional to the actual level of clever that others opine about you. And IQ tests are so 20^th century. Posit: there are roughly a million people with your birthday. Same day, same year…you’re not that unique, à la le FightClub, his name was Robert Paulsen, and etcetera. What does our future hold?? Crikey, our pov might be infinitely diverse, regardless of clever level. For now, find your favorite sugar blast and feed it face-wise, and relish in the moment that Vishnu asks your permission, even though she/he/it isn't obligated to do so. Breathe. Birthday and spring time are but a week away. 

♉ Taurus –Your upcoming and imminent sugar blast, both literal and metaphorical is the S’more. What a country! We live in a world where the s’more is ubiquitous and universally loved. For now, eat of the s’more. Be the s’more that you’ve been holding uncooked in your heart and mind. Get to the store and stock up on the necessaries, because there’s an Aries equinoxical bonfire of the vanities on our horizontally rounded earth’s horizon. Stoke the flames inside and out and prepare thyself for exquisite oral and spiritual delight. It’s both spring and s’more time. 

♊ Gemini - If you think about it, air—or atmo, endows our eyes with definition. In fact, evolving our eyes in conjunction with air. For those of us blessed with sight, we see the world and re-act to the information of light.  We translate that data and coagulate reality into our current samsara. We, the air, the atmo—we shape light and bend it to our wills, as well as ironically polluted and brilliant sunrises. We are the bridge between what is real and what is factionalized accounts of what might be, because of color and refraction and span and breadth of consciousness. This week, BE the light, for we travel in waves and photonic genius. Be the rods. Be the cones.

♋ Cancer –Occasionally, the crabby crabs are prone to high falutin’ behavior, reminiscent of the odious and occasionally beheaded french aristocracy, possibly due to an impending full moon in the friendly sign of Libra, all scaly and serpentine, and water-gasmic despite a whiff of air apparent and epigenomic extra-dimensional activities. And soon, an equinox—equal night and day—planet-wide and ubiquitous, for a sliver of a moment, before we rotate on to the next ineffable incandescence. Friendly waters lie ahead. For the “time being”, sail forthright and bold, and enjoy the waves.

♌ Leo – Posit: there be, amidst temporal floes, moments of calm and recessitude, before storms and post trauma, anticipatory of things to come, betwixt the memory of times gone by, amidst a massive multiversal tidal flow. That said, it’s almost Aries sun time, your fellow fire sign and partner in crime, and while I’m not saying you’re going to need bail money, it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to plan ahead. The weather is ripe for streaking, good natured hooliganism and positive skullduggery. This week, get sleep, cause after this equinox next, there’ll be no sleep, till Brooklyn.

♍ Virgo –So, in the awesome movie, 2010—the Dr. Chandra character has another computer besides HAL, he’s got SAL, and whiles this titillates my own sci-fi nipples, the reason this involves your ‘scope is because I never realized that SAL was voiced by Candace Bergin, who if ya don’t know, was a powerful lady in the old H-wood. Sexy mamma with a throaty raspy, hump me in the 80’s kind of voice. Shite, where was I? Oh yes, your ‘scope and future: You’re neither HAL nor SAL—you’re Dr. Chandra—you’re brainy and oddly sexy, as well as loyal, prickly and forthright. Enjoy these last days of Piscean waves/particles/& god-licious solar-ific moments. Aries vibes are afoot and nigh on the horizon.

♎ Libra –Check this posit: you have 16 great, great grandparents. It took 8 couples to successfully invent you. Ere that, you have 32 great, great, great grandparents—16 couples that had to mate successfully to manifest the likes of you. And 64 great, great, great, great's and so on...it's like a big human orgy spreading out thru time. We’re humping our way through the multiverse—which is awesome. Posit: If you believe we’re NOW in some literal Age of Aquarius—that we’ve been through before, several times over the course of our spinning blue rock, how much stuff has come before us?, seemingly in order to create this present moment, amd you along for the ride in the fabled cat bird seat of your juicy juicy mind drippings? Weird shite, right? Ponder and order pizza.

♏ Scorpio – I, the Dr. Pants might be scientifically atheist. That said, whatever still exists epigentically within and abound me, I’m likewise likely to be equally spiritually rich and divergent—despite outward appearances, both thrice, devout and pious and heartfelt. It’s been writ in many a text: If you have hate in your heart, you can never truly be christian, nor muslim, nor of any faith, for the pitfall is this: belief is a challenge to dissect, due to that pesky observational bias and unduly influencing of your own future. But, if faith is inherited, perhaps it’s likewise inescapable. Coming soon: you will decide what is right and what is merely an illusion. For now, chillax and have a burrito.

♐ Sagittarius –This one particular cycle, that of our sun and giver of life, till one day she’s goes nova and radiates the crap out of us—for the next week shines through a morass of deep Piscean feelings, and that’s cool and all, but can we please just get to the next phase of the cycle, ruled by a fellow fire signed sun, and eager as frak to get shite moving, on a cosmic and hopefully dangerous spiritual path? Adventure time is close enough to taste, the equinox is nigh and we’re about to burst into flames and springtime energy floes. Hold tight, it’s almost bonfire time. Buy s’mores. 

♑ Capricorn –Capricornios, especially those born well into January, from the Dr. Pants’ pov anyway, seem to be filtering their understanding of the world through layers of sedimentary rock, that create logic out of a chaotic soup that is this massive cosmic ocean, not always suited to watery goats like you’s guys. The layers, once molten and recycled deep within earth’s bowels, as we’ve cooled for lo these mere millions of years, all this frakking time—the story is about the how of what came before—which might tell us abut the future, and definitely tells us about how things work. For now, till equinox next, WALK the Earth and BE the KUNG FU. Sedimentary dreams.

Aquarius ♒ -We Aquarii have been known, of a random and far flung whim, to be considered strange and aloof, and constantly interrupted by overflowing thought patterns. We’re idea generating machines, usually unrestrained, at times perhaps even too erratic to be judicious, in a world that constantly shape shifts, and folds new developing realities over and over and in on themselves ad infinauseum®. But this week, all you have to do is breathe. Breathe our intellectual air, big deep belly breaths, and relegate la paralysie de l'analyse for a farther time than the NOW, when the sun will shine with fire and prod our wheeled hamster. This week, don’t be the hamster. Or a lemming. Just breathe.

♓ Pisces –Finally—we’re almost through with the Nolan-ish and dreamy Piscean inceptive sun, and nigh we’ll be on to Aries, and rebirth and fire and cognition and drive drive drive and bang bang bang, and stick that in your pipe and smoke the crap out of it! Hold Your Fire—yes, that’s the RUSH album I was going to ‘scope for you this week as we approach an Aries sun. But wait—no…Fly By Night. Yes—find this album if you’re disfamiliar, and hear its spirit. It is a battle cry to herald the coming sun. In meantime, happy continued birthday, you marvelous bastard.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                               

♈ Aries –Hey, I been there, man. It would indeed be really really frakking awesome if you were in possession of a futuristic death ray gun that shoots vaporizing lasers at your enemies, or that yappety mutt next door, that barks 24/7, I mean my god, is my neighbor freaking deaf? But before you head down to the lab to build either a time machine or probably more simply, a death ray gun—Shite, wait! You invent a death ray gun and you patent the crap out of that Death Ray Gun®, or DRG®…Yeah, I like that way sounds, way more than using it as a metaphor for your unresolved anger issues, blah blahddy blah blah, right? No, man, this is your ‘scope: Lab, then Death Ray Gun—get creative! And get stinking rich. Then spend the money on restricting gun rights. Do this, it’s a moral imperative that you build the world’s first DEATH RAY GUN®, other than the one the military has.

♉ Taurus –Been feeling stuck at a glacial pace, wearing boots of lead, slogging through liquid kryptonite? Have you considered taking off the boots and flying away from the kryptonite, which really has no effect on regular humans, but I believe you can fly, not literally, but in a metaphoric higher dimension, maybe one in which there were no boots…at all? Wtf? This week, relax and take your shoes off and put your feet back on solid earth, and reconnect with Mamma Gaia. Lose the boots and c’mon home!

♊ Gemini –Caveat lector number one: let the reader beware, of whatever nonsense follows this sentence, that blowing smoke up a Gemini’s ass has a fifty fifty shot at ending with burnt feelings and charred clothing that will never lose that terrible smell, and you’ll just have to throw it away, even though, maybe it was your lucky jacket, but maybe it was just that jacket’s destiny to catch fire a little. Jeez, calm down, and spend some dough on a good massage, or better, a whole day of massage and tenderizing, because this life tain’t easy, son! You deserve a minimum one day of being coolly sublime all over yourself.

♋ Cancer –Holding one’s proverbial fire is no easy task for a crabby water sign, amid roiling seas under a drenching Piscean sun, and approaching an earthy Virgosian full moon, especially right after Mercury finally stopped reversing things, and shite, now Mars goes backwards. And Saturn too, all in one damn week. But the Dr. Pants posits this wildly unfounded science to your face: These cycles are perfect for crabby crabs. Imagine all of space, all the ‘verse as a giant ocean, our blue diamond in the rough, awash in cosmic tides and movements of even bigger outer space crustaceans. Enjoy the flow.  

♌ Leo –Baby steps are so infantile and wussy. And frak all, it’s time for action. Roar. Double ROAR, and move out the way, cause it’s time to groove, baby. I, the Dr. Pants posit this to be your course of Hulk smashing fiery oral goodness: first, go to the place where you store your clean clothes. Then find your favorite pair of boogie pants, that you’ve neglected for no decent reason, and probably press them, cause we like nice things, right? And then, put those bad boys on, buy some Bee Gees music and get funky. Maybe don’t even wear a shirt. Just your favorite pants, I’m guessing it’s the ones with the most comfortable crotch. Yeah, kitten—it’s roar time.

♍ Virgo –Posit: even though Virgo is an earthy sign, what type of earth are you? Hell, you may have been ocean bottom at some point—that’s land too, maybe you’re underwater land! But wait, I’ll twist your ‘scope a bit more to port, and charge that you are currently in a pleasant state of earth surrounding a river, part of you moving along with it, earth in flux, as it moves from mountain to sea and then deeper still. A river not only runs through the mysterious It, you and river are one. Rivers always take you somewhere cool and eventually, back home. Keep up the cool flowing vibe.

♎ Libra –In no time at all—whatever that paradigm is like, it will be equinox, new moon in Aries, and soon after a full moon in Libra. Fiery Justice is on the way to your face, and an Aries sun will cause unexpected and resounding sweet fortune, as well as tinder for your fire, which currently rides the waves till we make landfall, and on it, altitude and pressure changes, and the possibility of a spark and a bonfire and starsgazing®, whilst you mingle with your constellular other self. For now, just focus on filling your sails, and get to the crow’s nest and keep watch. Talk to some dolphins and whatever, but pray for land.

♏ Scorpio –You are so not the type of internet ruffian that would purposely spam anyone, even if they deserved it. Well…maybe if they deserved it. Odds are there’s no justice in whatever the hell heaven is, so maybe sometimes, you dish it out a little yourself, what’s the harm? You’re people led by reason and fairness, right? You’d serve up justice in an equitable and poetic way. Give ‘em up to the possibly almighty the same way Chaplin did that psychotic german creep. You’re money, baby and you don’t even know it. My point is, is, use your brain, not your right hook and Jack Johnson. And spam not one living soul, unless it’s for perceived good.

♐ Sagittarius –Okay, we all get that you are raring to go, pretty much 24/7. And that’s cool, and hey—it’s merely one of your myriad talents. And in the time of a Piscean sun, just weeks away from alchemically mutating into fire and action verbs, and enough of this sloshing around a seemingly inconsistent ocean, praying landfall and dry underwear, and hopefully some real opportunities to bust some heads, in a spiritual sense of course. For now, you’re Captain Nemo, relegated to the underseas till equinox next. Take this time to sharpen your arrows and practice your aim.

♑ Capricorn –Okay, so you’ve been playing the flugelhorn brilliantly, and gosh, we’re all so impressed, but Dude, it’s time to move on. Learn some flute, maybe xylophone it up a little. Get a strong plastic bucket and some drum sticks. Your mind has been too long, some might say obsessively so, vivisecting yourself to fix this one key change, that in your head has made sense, but now seems monotonous and full of ennui. Elevation change, my fine goat footed friend. Fine some altitude, and remodel your attitude, Dude. And maybe take some bongos, or an oboe.

Aquarius ♒ -The time of the Piscean sun is one composed of many things, but today’s topic is the weird logic of creative Piscean thinking. The Dr. Pants has discovered their science, check this shite: they just think of stuff, usually wack-a-doo type stuff and, just right frakking there, they create it. We Aquarii tend to just think about stuff some more, usually till we’re exhausted or too drunk. We’re an emotional wreck in the hesperusian® ilk. While we have this sun, go farther than the brain pan and actually invent some wack-a-doo thingamabob, and in a jiff, Bob’s your uncle, and you’re either back in Kansas or back where all the action is—whichever you prefer. Rest the paralysis from over analysis. Whatever you make—I guarantee, it’s gonna be genius. 

♓ Pisces –Pisces is water, and ergo I posit this wild speculation: known as the universal solvent, water has many forms, from glacial ice ages of stored knowledge and jet cooling abilities, to marianasian® trenches of water pressurized to near absolute zero—no, that’s not a new vodka, calm down…my point is, is, have a genius birthday, and take a dip in your tank, grok your status, and share with us your magic water—I further posit that Pisces are basically supporting humankind’s entire al- and just regular chemical lives with their innate empathetic and soulful action. Happy fuckin’ birthday, you cad, you rakehell, you bounder, you!