Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

TO BE HONEST, ONLY LEO AND LIBRA KNOW 

WHERE IT’S AT, MAYBE READ THEM TOO.

                                                                                 

♈ Aries  Your power song of the week goes spookily like this: I woke up this mornin' with the sundown shinin' in
 / I found my mind in a brown paper bag within / I tripped on a cloud and fell eight miles high / 
I tore my mind on a jagged sky / I pushed my soul in a deep dark hole and then I followed it in / 
I watched myself crawlin' out as I was crawlin' in
 / I got up so tight I couldn't unwind
 / I saw so much I broke my mind
 / Someone painted, 'April Fool' in big black letters on a 'Dead End' sign / 
I had my foot on the gas as I left the road and blew out my mind
 / Eight miles outta Memphis and I got no spare
 / Eight miles straight up downtown somewhere
 / I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in. Yours is fine btw…but maybe add some spice--life is unfairly short.

♉ Taurus Your power Greek Titan of the week is----Prometheus! Firstly, keep in mind that we are now in solar Scorpio—your opposite and equal zodiacal partner. You and Scorp are all about transitions—changes from form to form and from ether to either. Your H’ween costume should be Prometheus—creator of man, bringer of fire, teacher of hunting and survival skills. The rest of us need you to be the ctatalyst for change. Prometheus was the one immortal who stood up to Zeus and his cronies who didn’t want mankind around, much less to be blessed with fire. Your powers are ancient and this week it’s your time to bring the fire, so we can all use it.

♊ Gemini I hope you’re not ophidiophobic, because your power decapitated head of the week is Medusa’s---specifically the one in the Rubens painting—a visceral and unearthingly askewed view on agony. This ensnaked head you should wield against all evil forces including in-laws, gorgons, lycanthrope frankenweenies and purple people eaters. Just grab the decapitated head by the snakes—don’t worry, most of them are dead---and all that bad mojo will melt like that bald guy’s face in Raiders, and everything will be right as rain. And don’t forget to blindfold that corpse head when not in use. Happy Day of the Dead!

♋ Cancer Even the Dr. Pants doesn’t know for certain whether the universe was created by a big gassy explosion from nothing, or if our ‘verse is but one thought in the mind of a Brahman and when it exhales we will be gone as if we were never here. Howsomeever, in these the H’ween times while the veil betwixt the mortal world and the next undiscovered country is spookily thin, it is your time to invent a new Creation Myth, your version of how all this began and where you come from—hot gassy nothing, or a happy Brahman who probably does a lot of cosmic yoga—maybe we came into being after we hitched a ride on a cosmic turtle. You = Vishnu—for the time being. Dream ridiculously BIG.

♌ Leo All white cats with blue eyes are not always deaf. But a goodly percentage of them are. All white cats with two different colored eyes, tend to be deaf in the ear next to the blue eye. Creepy, yes, but also food for thought. Posit: not all all-white cats with different colored eyes are also deaf in at least one ear. But an impressive percentage of them are. What have we learned here? That science is akin to poo poo? Possibly. That cats are egomaniacs? Yes, obviously. More blatantly put, genes do stuff, pretty much autonomously, and fuck your consent at the mercy of the governors who run this rum joint. You… are that weird eyed cat. Meow time, bitch.

♍ Virgo There’s always a bigger fish. This week howsomeever, you are The Doomsday Machine from the Captain Kirk times, a planet eater—in fact, your H’ween costume should be that of a juggernaut, a Blob, an all-encompasser, a big hoary thing which cannot be stopped or impeded. That said…the bigger fish is rumored to be hitting town before the taking of the turkey time november ways, but for now, at least a solid couple weeks, you’re the golden calf boy, sought after as a panacea by all faiths and ideologies. You’re type O blood, man. You are Galactus with good intent. Go now--eat planets and poop knowledge and kind words.

♎ Libra You Librans, you’re not animals—you’re not a crab or a goat or a scorpion, you’re an idea--the next gen embodiment of an idea. Like a balancing rock. While erosion has occurred all around you, you remain a tower of seemingly precariously perched rocks that tower into the sky in bizarre shapes, most notably like the ones in Roadrunner cartoons. This week, your Libran scales are geologic. You’re patience amidst a world with a passion for declivity. Now, H’ween time, the ether be thin twixt here and the nether world of dreams…hold your breath, make a wish, count to three.

♏ Scorpio  Halloween / Samhain / the West Hollywood Parade all occur within Scorpio—what a shocker. The time when the veil betwixt this and the nether world is thin and wispy, and from whence we the living can touch, comport, or otherwise hang with---the non-corporeal, the living dead, and that which is beyond our ken whilst we wear this weird body made of sensual meat. Imagine—the entire northern half of the planet descends into literal darkness at the time you’re birthed onto this plane. You are the catalyst. You go to 11. This is your witching season. This is your time. Be what you’re like. Be like yourself. Relish the energy and the power, for soon it will be winter. And happy birthday, you rakish faerie.

♐ Sagittarius Your power centaur of the week is of course---Chiron. Yes, the one with the asteroid named after it. As opposed to your average centaur, who favored drinking and ‘horsing’ around, Chiron was sober and dedicated teacher and healer. Sagittarius, embodied by the centaur, arrow in action aiming pure will target-wise, and with perfect release, creating action, and creation and singularities exploding into new ‘verses where you and I  can hang out and chat about the nature of the multiverse, which you helped create and engender. Be Chiron, take aim, get shit done, then let’s have cocktails.

♑ Capricorn  Grab your crotch and goat up because this may come as a shock, but the Capricorn you know of both in astrology and astronomy as a surefooted mountain climby goat—has actually been a half goat, half fish since give or take the early Bronze Age. Don’t fret—it’s only because your position in earth’s night sky is amongst other water related formations, like Aquarius and Pisces---you live in a cosmic neighborhood that’s very soupy, probably a lot of fog, possibly down by the docks. You are a goat fish. The true extent of your powers is only fractionally realized. Dive deep, goat fish and bring back all that you can learn. Your future lies toward the Sargassic side. Think green and fertile.

Aquarius ♒ I won’t bother you with scares and skeletons and tales of the undead and/or vengefully wronged that after death have come back to haunt the living simply because they can…I know you’re smarter than ghost stories. Possibly even a total atheist. And hey—why not right? Science seems to be on our side here. Howsomeever, if I may--this time of year is a mile high mile marker where the ether is thin betwixt us and any potential netherworlds. If anything one could imagine could potentially be true or become reality, is not now the time to practice upon it? Cast your future brain future wise and see what’s ahead. If you think of it, report back, we’re all curious.

♓ Pisces From time to time, Aquaman rides a hippocamp---a big purple half horse, half fish, like a big seahorse, but less male birthing the young type and more riding into battle atop an underwater steed of immense horsepower and testosterone….and this week you also ride the hippocamp---not Aquaman’s hippocamp, but another one of equal strength—any color you like—there’s even a zebra horse fish one! As usual you will communicate your mount telepathically, across a dimension of inner space that redefines reality as we know it. No pressure though. It’s gonna take you awhile to tame the hippocamp, and then you have to name him, which is a three week ceremony carried out at hippocamp puberty. You have time to learn the responsibilities of riding a hippocamp. Good fortune!

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries A yactosecond is equal to one septillionth of a second—and only an earth second at that. And a septillionth is equal to 10 to the power of 24—and that’s 10 to the 24^th power as a fraction! A boson is an elementary particle whose lifespan is roughly one yactosecond. And faster than a poof! they’re gone, winking in and out in a fraction of a second of a Higgs based reality, and then possibly happening over and over and over a septillion times a second, tiny tiny tiny strings of energy firing on all cylinders for infinity—or at least as long as there are tiny tiny tiny strings of something seemingly alive and moving under the deep cosmos-ness-ness of a multiverse that is just at the edge of our ken.

♉ Taurus Your quiddity is inscrutable. Your haecceity is unmistakable. And don’t get me started on your hypokeimenon. Your sub strata of whatness and why-osity strangle my objective observational capacity. There is no abacus that can handle your numerology. I can’t put my finger on you and I desperately want to. Your symmetry of being is radiant and effulgent, and I may have just soiled myself. Dig, excavate, plunder through ashes and reliquaries and ancient ossuaries and sepulchers: I need not dare you. You’re already there—creeping through layer upon layer to discover the roots of the tree of you. And hey, while you’re there, don’t forget to fertilize. Discover and recycle!

♊ Gemini I’m not saying you should brew a big pot of tea and then urinate in a giant circle around your encampment to keep wolves out of your territory like in Never Cry Wolf, nor should you eat anything close to 50 boiled eggs on a dare to defend your loner ostracized man-on-the-run, misanthropic anti-hero facade that makes you likeable, empathetic and trustworthy. Allegiance only to the self. Non Serviam. Wow, this got serious. What I am saying is that this week, don’t worry about satan or anybody else who claims dominion over the Underworld. It’s like airplane oxygen masks---adjust yours first, then help others.

♋ Cancer This week you are Kate but not Allie. You’re Cagney but not Lacey. Likewise, you are some serious Funk and luckily no Wagnall. Subsequently, you are also the following: Hardcastle not McCormick, Simon not Garfunkel, Abbot not Costello, Laurel not Hardy, Fred not Barney, Thelma not Louise, Kirk not Spock, Frik not Frak, Ethel not Lucy, Lewis not Clark, Jay not Silent Bob, Ren not Stimpy, Clyde not Bonnie, Ernie not Bert, and most importantly---you are Django sans chains. Try being one thing, try being you--be what you’re like, be like yourself. Stop whistling in the dark and get back to yourself.

♌ Leo Your power former president of the week is…James K Polk!! Don’t worry, here’s the awesome: He achieved every goal he set for himself—every goal—in one term! He opened the Oregon Territory, christened the US Naval Academy--and the Smithsonian, he broke ground on the Washington Monument, not to mention he issued the first postage stamps, and oh yeah, won the Mexican American War, giving us Texas—the merits of which I’m not here to debate. He is the least known influential president. Be the Polk. The accolades will come later. 

♍ Virgo The Dr. Pants has recently been accosted by no less than three separate virgos, all requesting a ‘super-duper’ horrorscope for the week.

Never will the Pants bow to terrorist demands, so here’s an in-your-face realistic horrorscope revealing the true nature of your immediate future with no fruffy bullshit, so brace yourself: Rainbows and gold-pooping unicorns are galloping your way! Repent not, but rather take joyous heed of the incoming stars and stripes that are about to color your world. Light it up, shake your rump, and tickle your tulips because this is your week. All kinds of crazy good shit is nigh to fall from the sky literally any second. Remain casually alert and don’t forget to breathe. You’re welcome.

♎ Libra Your dazed meandering in the Wakhan Corridor is nigh at an end, a zenith, an apex, pinnacle and jumping off point for the next weird and woolly chapter in what should prove to be your riveting bio pic. I’m referring of course to a stretch of land in northern Afghanistan that served as an arbitrary geographic border betwixt the warring powers of Britain and Russia during the period known as the Great Game—basically the Cold War of the 1800’s that lasted about twice as long as its 2oth century counterpart. It is mountainous and difficult terrain and while you’ve ambled and sashayed your way through it admirably, it’s time to cross the Hindu Kush and find new ground. Rebirth Indian style awaits. Namaste.

♏ Scorpio It’s not surprising that puppet theater has become culturally significant in places like eastern europe and other former ussr ‘republics’ like Czech Republic and Tajikistan. Places where controls have been implemented over the freedom of the human psyche will result in leaks of information—nothing can stop the signal, Mal, nothing can stop the signal. And since you’re a fan of digging in the dirt, to find the places we got hurt, I suggest you fashion whatever puppets thou canst, let it speak for that within you that has no voice. Olly olly oxen free---freedom of information act engaged! Release the Kraken! Let the puppets speak!

♐ Sagittarius- According to Intergalactic Space Law, your condo at the Forever Sunrise Apartment Complex, which lies at the border between permanent day and night on earth’s moon--due to it non-rotational nature-- your lunar condo, the one that always faces the sunrise, where the party never stops---will be undergoing moonquake upgrades for the next three weeks. So feel free to visit us back here on planet earth. We understand your need to gallivant around the multiverse, but it’s time to visit home. Multi colored party giraffes are waiting and there will be rain dances and temporary tattoos in your honour. Eat well tonight, friend, for tomorrow we dance for your pleasure. You be Kubla Khan, we be Xanadu.

♑ Capricorn- ‘Exit pursued by a bear’ is your power literary reference for the week. Here’s a quick summation of possible outcomes: 1) at random you will be attacked by a bear and chased offstage, 2) the bear is metaphorical and representative of a heretofore undisclosed to the conscious mind--fear that lies unconquered in your subconscious reptile brain possibly requiring righteous vengeance, if there is such a thing, or 3) there is no bear at all, and it’s nothing more than a ham-fisted plot device and something arguably less than a universe where every energetic interaction has a purpose no matter how seemingly inconsequential and small. I say, find your bear, don’t jive talk him--- but don’t run.

♒ Aquarius There are no hard and fast rules about anything really---all we have is a copious list of observed phenomena, which may or may not have been altered by our mere observance of aforementioned phenomena—here’s how things happened in the past, how they transgressed, digressed and diversified, not just like branches of a tree, but branches of a clonal colony of trees that spread to the horizon and beyond. And not to piss in your pot, but that list of observed phenoms is limited to the difference between our literally recorded history and our genetic ability to remember the past. Everything else—speculation, probably uneducated at that. If you can think around the multiverse, I say do it. If not, take a breath and realize the synecdoche of it all. The microcosm of you is exactly how the whole thing works. Look in to see through.

♓ Pisces Throughout history, there have been many famous wearers of monocles. Yes, yes—the fixer of astigmatism—the monocle. However, in today’s world, monocle wearers are unfairly portrayed as evil, misguided, or uber rich. But trends always reverse themselves, and maybe someday the monocle will come back into fashion. All we need is someone not evil—someone inherently good to sport the monocle in some public way, and bring the monocle back to its previous position of societal importance. You are primed and positioned to bring something back from the dark side and and back into pop culture’s spotlight. People are waiting for your move. Choose boldly. Choose monocle.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                

Aries ♈ Ironically, DefCon 5 is peace. I guess because you either count up or you count down, and the decision betwixt the twain is arbitrary. So, to recap: DefCon1 is definite deep doo doo. And my usually correct gut feeling about you Aries tough guys is that you may have been feeling ironically at DefCon 1 for the last couple, let’s say years, and perhaps due to your innate positivity, you would prefer to count up to five than down to one. If you’re going to lift off, isn’t it wiser to aim high? To recap, you’re at DefCon 5, and it goes without saying that No. 5 is alive, so hang loose and shake your caboose.

Taurus ♉ You need to let go of your transitional object. It’s weighing you down, and is merely a placebo that comforts the estranged and fearful mind parts. I’m not calling you a Linus and laughing at your blankie, but I suspect there is an object, a thing, or an idea that is being used as a psyche’s transcendental snowmobile. Maybe it’s an outmoded way of thinking, or it could even be a term of art, totally froo-froo and laced in silk and confectionary neurons. Grab on to a new object, one that defines you in the now. October is transition month. Movin’ on up!

Gemini ♊ To escape earth’s gravity, you’re going to need to get up to at least 25,000 mph. Big earth, small you. And check this: even at a whopping 740 mph (sea level), sound waves don’t escape the earth. However, be glad you’re not a sloth, their top speed is 0.18 mph. From a sloth perspective, 0.18 is like driving a Ferrari—look out, sloth! Sloths are in no danger of reaching escape velocity, but perhaps you are, at least metaphorically. This week, I recommend readying your rocket. Your potential energy for some Major Tom action is about to explode into space. You’re no sloth—you’re a freaking astronaut. Take your protein pill and put your helmet on.

Cancer ♋ When swedish astronomer Anders Celsius decided that 0° for freezing and 100° for boiling water made perfect sense, which it does---very nice base 10 math that we can all get behind--not like the English, the folks who brought you ‘my way or the highway’ with meaningless pounds, feet and fathoms--but old Anders didn’t consider that water boils at a different temperature at depending on your elevation. However, 0 to 100 in general—very handy. This week you will have to account for different temperature gradients when meandering through your alpine walkabouts. Your peripatetic elevation changes may affect your science, but as long as you keep the math simple, it will all make perfect sense.

Leo ♌ October for you Leos will be like a beer commercial from the 70’s about a group of pals hanging out and laughing and probably watching some sporting competition, with emphasis on how beer and friends make life worth living, provided they come in equal quantities and never a dearth of either, for like how fish are akin to visitors—both stink after three days, one needs beer to make friends palatable and vice versa. So to recap, October is like a bag full of snakes. Wait—no, no…beer makes friends? In vino veritas? For now---bottoms up!

Virgo ♍ You are beagle nosed and eagle eyed, not to mention riled and wild and never tired. You are the leader of the newly minted Shotgun Bear Army®; trained by a master in leg sweeping, twisting the pig, and decrying righteously the foully unjust, the cretinous and the cruel, the takers and the never-givers—people who play politic with my principles---OUR principles, which are supposed to maintain a healthy appetite for the bounty of life, the blessings of existence and the plaudits of self examination and catharsis; psychological evolution that leads to the next level, the next incarnation of a soul’s journey through weird fibroid strings dancing amongst mysteriously dark matter. You are prepared for anything, I assure you. Fear no thing.

Libra ♎ According to Hoyle, the planet with the shortest known orbital period, aka KOI-55.01B, orbits its host in 5.76 hours. Time there must literally fly. Imagine, a whole day in less than six hours. According to current physiology, you’d be sleeping a third of that just to stay alive. Eating a slice of pizza would take around 6 seconds. Falling in love might take a heartbeat. Just like it does here on earth. In a moment, life can change drastically, regardless of the pace of your continuum. Yet fret not—your upcoming orbital period suggests finding such uncommon buried treasure as love in a heartbeat, or at least a couple New York minutes.

Scorpio ♏ You are Bartholomew Bundy, The Bully Butcher of Bourbon Street®, ready to punch through that fake wall that’s been separating you from your adventurous future. Once you break through the wall, it may be dark, so bring a torch, and maybe some trail mix and water; I don’t know how long you’ll be in there. Maybe just an apple and some beef jerky—anyway, point is—start the journey now while you have the muscle. I’m not trying to scare ya, for all I know there’s butterflies and shamrock shakes in there, just be prepared. Also, bring your trusty ax and your big blue ox. And maybe a couple chairs, some throw pillows, maybe even a bean bag chair—spruce up the joint while you’re in there. Start an illegal guinea pig breeding farm in there—whatever, go nuts. A door you thought closed is begging you to knock it down.

Sagittarius ♐ I don’t know that I have anything for you this week. My wisdom has been bounding and splooging all up and down the other signs, but you guys---you guys seem to have had it easy. And I’m not here to forecast upcoming calamities, losses of faith, hemorrhoids, pickle related infighting, salamander tasting, coups—military or civilian; no impending omens of zombie dentists, nor travelling of the Jundland Wastes, no trekking to Seti Alpha V. You guys are the Starchild. You Sag ‘s just want stuff and then you go after it. This week you will find many opportunities for chasing the craziest of rainbows. Take aim, and light it up.

Capricorn ♑ I don’t know what Pyrotechnic Futurism is all about...sounds like barleyed milquetoast malarkey to me; nevertheless you will invent it. You will also become known as the modern ancestor of the future reanimated dodo bird, a cousin to the emu, flightless and big of beak. However, that irony will be eclipsed by the fog of war that retreats to the sweet clear morning air of a nice onshore breeze, clearing all the way to Catalina. Your future is perfect weather for getting a tan, or reinventing the great american novel---even bringing back empathy! Why, the power and corrigible authority of this lies in your will! Your body is your garden, and your will the gardener. How can you not create your eden?

Aquarius ♒ The ball’s in your court. You’re wearing the pants. You own the fabled catbird seat, my friend. You’re the top of a macho sandwich that’s slowly dripping down to coat the meaty layer below with a fiery picante-de-na-na funky style cream sauce that makes delectable whatever it touches. You can watch all the gladiator and kung fu movies you want because this is your pursuit of happiness—your inalienable right to making one with the happy. Stop focusing on what you don’t want. We both know that’s a hella long list. Distract yourself and discover what you actually want. It’s yours for the imagining and yours for the taking.

Pisces ♓ Someday, you and I--we’ll take part in a giant monkey wedding. There will be lemurs and orangutans, and bonobos and other somewhat related rodentine outlaws gnawing and conniving their way into a rather flourishing existence that makes perfect sense given their innate gnawing and sneaking talents; based on what environment dictates of course, as well as the availability and endurability of previous models that survived every oncoming cataclysm, from plague to drought to over abundance of certain chemicals known by the state of California to cause rectal cancer, and/or impermanence of being, aka non-corporeality; and covering our collective and individual butts, from ruin and/or damnation; and yet nay and nevertheless, I say to thee: get ready for the party; break out your monkey wine, put on your red shoes and dance the blues.