Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

pantsmcturd.blogspot.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Quick primer re Mercury, originally Hermes, and probably something prior—likely Etruscan—nothing changes—but for reals, Hermes was a child of Zeus, a clever fleet footed cad, on humanity’s mortal side and with Zeus’ permission, admiration even, for the derring-do with which Hermes was innately adept. And so we named Mercury thusly, because what was Hermes fell into disfavor when power shifted to Italy rather than Greece—closer to open sea as well as interior europe—the Dr Pants will capitalize that btw, when europe grows up and accounts for what it has wrought around the world—that aside & anyhoo, Mercury, from an earthly pov, is increasing its speed across our heavens, and after lazing its retrograde way thru Cancer, it’s now in Leo, the king of the celestial jungle, as is the Sun, and also Jupiter. Lots of leonine sky fire—use it judiciously, depsite your usual intolerance for good ideas going to waste and a penchant for impatience. Strike as the lion strikes—in an unexpected flash after thorough stalking.

♉ Taurus –At any given moment, our earth is ablaze with literal fires, insurrections, injustices, extinctions, and shite that we all wish would find a black hole somewhere and take the big plunge into the next dimension, where maybe it can work it out, in a less violent way, after being compressed down to a subatomic singularity, removing the stinger from the wasp. With all the shite, what's a simple Taurus to do? Especially in a celestial time of mucho planetary Leo fire and saturnalian Scorpionic fire water? That's it! Scorp is your opposite and deep depth diving astro partner, determined to help you discover the truth beneath the waves, be they water, wind, tectonic or earthly, or even conflagrationary—point is, is that the Dr Pants advises all taurean minds to make your environment a product of you, rather than the alternative. Time is ripe. Eat the juice.

♊ Gemini -Stellar time to be an air sign! The Sun, Mercury and Jupiter-shite ton of mass and gravity, right—all pulling us towards the constellation Leo, all that energy directed towards fire. Change, upset, catalysts, and fiery impetus aimed at morphing the matter around you into other types of matter. And then we have Saturn, another big gas bag, hanging out in Scorpio town, basically the aquafied version of Leo fire—fire water if you will—moon shine. Speaking of, whatever you've been slowly concocting, or gestating in that oast brain of yours, now is a spectacular time light it up—metaphorically, or maybe literally—just maintain control of the burn. What will arise from the ashes will be a phoenix, a rebirth, a new matrix, that will purge the extraneous while you self engorge with new life. Just remember, you're the air, the fuel—keep control of the burn.

♋ Cancer -Oh gentle Cancer, scuttling sideways, pinching and clawing your way thru tide pools and beaches awash with constant change—now is a celestial time of rebirth, amid fiery endings and fresh beginnings. Check it: shite ton of mass and gravity pulling us all towards Leo, the celestial king of all jungles, and then there’s Saturn, in fellow water sign Scorpio, but this water sign is closer to moonshine than H2O. Transformation of matter and certain material aspects of your life that have been begging for change, are all steeped in the catalysts of fire and fire water. The Dr Pants isn’t suggesting a total purge, but rather an inventory—of what should be kept and what should be tossed overboard like so much fish guts and ballast. In with the new…

♌ Leo -Everything is coming up Leo. The Sun is in Leo, providing birthday times for all felines, be they terrestrial or celestial. Jupiter, also very large—hella gravity right—it's also in Leo—til 2015 btw. Also, Mercury is in the constellation Leo. And then there's Saturn—in Scorpio, essentially adding fire water to actual fire. The sky is a bonfire that somebody just tossed moonshine on, but hey—it's summer, so why not raise the roof by setting it aflame. If you're a fire sign, or a Scorp—digging deep, uprooting old beliefs or ideologies and then lighting them on fire is indeed in fashion. Maybe literally, maybe as a metaphor, it's time to toss the useless ballast, flotsam and/or jetsam onto the flames. Something new will inevitably arise, phoenix like and determined to make the most of this alchemical soup. Happy birthday you absurdly mucho macho fine feline. Mee-owww.

♍ Virgo –Quick lunar primer: our moon moves pretty fast around the earth, so fast that it changes signs about every two days and just like every NFL team gets a Mon nite game, every sign gets a new moon and a full moon once per year, and since the sky is conveniently divided into 365°, on the day the Sun slips into let’s say, Leo, which it is currently, the new moon is also in Leo, and the full moon on the 10^th will be in Aquarius, conveniently 180° from Leo—Leo fire and Aqua air are complimentary, despite both signs’ inherent need to be different from everybody else. Point is, is that the next new moon on the 25^th will be in Virgo, so congrats on that I suppose, and the next full moon in Sept will be in Pisces. The Dr Pants agrees—geometry is neat! Posit: everything moves in patterns that generally repeat, so where were you last year at this time? A full circle of sorts is soon to arrive. Out with the old…

♎ Libra –Despite the Dr Pants’s semi fluency in spanish tongues, the Dr insists that Oye Como Va, which roughly translates to, Hey pal, how ya doin?, should be changed to Oiga Como Va, which roughly means, Listen As You Go, which holds more import and gravity, because as you travel thru your daily routine, what if you listened as you went, and ignored the need for constant supervision and just fell into the flow of patterns that inevitably repeat, the sounds of the street, background voices usually filtered out by the drone of the junglecacophany—the human rainforest is never a quiet place. The answers you seek require a mindful distractedness from the ego’sits goals and desires, and allow the answers to come to you, filtered thru the substrates of your complex mind. Let the ‘verse do the work, let your mind go, and your body and soul will follow.

♏ Scorpio –Stellar time to be a Scorp! Lots of planetary action in Leo, and Saturn is swimming midstream in the scorpionic constellation. Yes Leo and Scorp energy are copasetic bedfellows, mutually infectious, like wildfire. Leo loves change and usually of a randomized sort. Scorps love to dig shite up from untold deeps, and now's a stellar time to bring it to the surface, dry it out, and set it aflame, and push it back out to sea. A Viking funeral for shite that’s plagued us for too long, like dirt under the fingernails, or the primordial political primate grime that pervades us all. Be not afeared of what you imagine you could never part with. That gunk wants to change as much as you do, especially the shite that's been festering. Cleanse yourself of all that is unworthy and useless. Set it ablaze and asea towards the next dimension. Free your mind of idylls.

♐ Sagittarius -Dude, is it cool to be a fire sign right now! The Sun, Jupiter and mercurial Mercury are all in the constellation Leo, and to boot, Saturn—third biggest gas bag in our system btw, is in Scorpio. Imagine a bonfire, and then throw some moonshine on it. Yes, conflagrationary it might be. Whatever you got that's outdated or purposeless, it's time to cleanse by fire, add catalyst to what is already changing and on the move. Look in the mirror, connect to your inner fire, and change deeply, change drasticslly if necessary, change for the sake of change, but go full phoenix, and rebirth yourself from the ashes. You love change, especially when you have a stake in it. Time is ripe for plucking the future fruits of your deisres, dreams and career ambitions. Grab some fruit.

♑ Capricorn -If you hadn't noticed, earth seems very slow to change—in this particular epoch & from our pov, anyhoo. Sure, eons ago, when earth and fire were so commingled that twixt the twain, boundaries were thin, and our fiery earth was too hot to handle fer sure. But we've cooled, tectonic plates have surfaced and even tho they're still subject to a molten core—they’re fairly stable. A cooling Earth hence from a fiery nativity that can now support life! Neat evolution, no? Even now, Everest seems to stand forever despite wind and water eating away at its height. Astro-logically speaking, now is a time of celestialfire, and firewater. Hella planets in Leo, and Saturn in Scorpio. The Dr Pants is not predicting literal earthquakes, but metaphorical ones, even small ones that add up to multi level changes. Whatever doesn't suit ya, toss onto the fire, and transform your ballast into something useful. Keep what ya need, toss what ya don’t.

Aquarius ♒ -Holy shite, check before you wreck: we get one full moon per month, 12 per year, and each full moon is in an ascending sign, and guess what—the full moon on the 10^th is in the constellation Aquarius, it’s our full moon, not unironically while the Sun shines in league with the constellation Leo. An Aquarii, perhaps the likes of the Dr Pants, might infer that this time of year is not just our collective half birthdays, but alignment with friendly forces, allies like the Sun in Leo for a month, and Jupiter just recently in Leo, even Mercury in Leo—buckets of celestial leonine mojo to reinforce our stringent penchant for logic over emotion—the Lion asks, why not both? Despite our willful ignorance, there are reins—and a time to seize them. Carpe omnia.

♓ Pisces –The Dr Pants was planning on regaling you with all the cool astronomy shite that’s geometrically playing out in the heavens above us, but the Dr Pants also knows that Pisceans are easily bored with the yadda yadda of rhetoric & rigmarole, and let’s get to the party already! So, here’s your immediate future, sans the science and nifty facts, in the form of an allegory—no a fable—ah frak, whatever—this Pisces guy, an acquantance of the Dr Pants, never finds random pennies on the ground because he’s always looking up—Up towards whatever the horizon and the heavens might portend. Ergo the ground is useless, as are pennies, unless they come from heaven. It’s nearly Virgo time, which means Pisces time, which means anything goes. Time is ripe. Grab what you desire with gusto and without regret. Currently you know no bounds.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –The sky’s afire, friendo, and you can get some sweet deals on personal growth and a surefire way to inner peace through meditative types of—OH crap, even a purveyor of deserv’d calumnies such as the Dr Pants, would not stoop to bullshite apocalyptic truly horrible ‘scopery, such vapid flowery falderal—The start was true tho: the sky is afire. Imagine thisly: the combined mass of Jupiter and the Sun pulling Earth towards the constellation Leo, towards bold Promethean attempts to share magic with mortals. The king of the celestial jungle wants something, and it’s using lots of energy to do it. Give kitty what kitty wants.

♉ Taurus –Freud was a Taurus, and his intellectual reflection was Jung—a Leo btw—and let’s pause a moment, for we are at a quasi crossroads: From Taurus, via Gemininian air—Geminian air—no, that’s still wrong—any rate, earth to air to water to fire, to Leo—the leonine leadership that we all expect from the king of the celestial jungle, is working tenfold to ensure SHE gets what She wants. At 145pm PDT on 7/24, the constellation Aquarius, the Earth, and the Sun, as well as Jupiter, and then the constellation Leo will be in a ‘perfectly’ straight line—gravity working in favor of catalytic fire and innovative change. Turning point?

♊ Gemini –Forgive the Dr Pants’s brief foray into math, but imagine thusly: Jupiter can fit 1,300 Earths inside of it, and the Sun can accommodate 1.3 million Earths inside its nuclear innards, so furtherly imagine, the combined gravity of these two big ass gas bags in perfect alignment with the constellation Leo (145pm PDT on 7/24 btw), and all still in Leo for the next month—the largest percentage of ALL the mass in our solar system pulling on us with the gravitational gravitas of a stellar Lion, a skywalking manifestation of a celestial king, a fiery pride full of both Solar and Jovian strength, all in alignment, tho light years apart, with an air sign like you. Turning point?  

♋ Cancer -A female Cancerian crabby crab friend of the Dr Pants recently remarked thusly: "Hey, man, I just wanna be free, man, like, if I wanna see where that road goes, then Mamma gonna see where it goes.” Then, she added furtherly, “Nobody puts Mamma in a corner"—The Dr Pants is paraphrasing of course, but Don't Fence Me In does seem to be your theme song. In fact, it's summer, pretty Mamma, it's time you got outta doors for a night, go camping, watch some stars spin their way toward ‘cross heavenly climes, torture some marshmallows and get wasted on Rumplemintz and well rolled joints. Give me lots of land, lots of land under starry skies above…

♌ Leo –Astro-logically speaking, this time of year is a great for you to star in an 80's style love scene. The heavens want you to play some really slow period love making mojo music, turn down the lights, or maybe just by moonlight—No! Candles, tons of candles and rose petals—Ooh—and a hot tub, a water theme suits you...Yes, the heavens are calling all Leo's to put on their comfy pants and strut your ways into steamy, altho preferably not just simulated acts of passion and ardor, but full on integrated reality lovemaking—80’s style!—which will require showering, and then more lovemaking, and then probably another shower and a nap, then more 80's love juice. Nice work if you can get it... Happy birthday, tiger, welcome to your jungle, but watch out—it’s steamy & spiritually & literally orgasmic. Roar.  

♍ Virgo –Uranus is backward. Don’t sweat it, it’s temporary and part of the normal flow of stellar traffic for a huge gas bag like Uranus to go against the flow and spin cycles. Uranus is a wonderland, btw, it’s got a wacky orbit, and holds pretty tight to a reputation for surprises and unexpected behaviors, chaos even—Yet, fear not entropy, its mathematical rise and fall is inevitable and you’re already wired into it, like surfing—the waves come in unpredictably, but if you wait, if you’re aware, you can find the most pleasant ride. Entropy isn’t serendipitous, it’s happening all the time. Ride the waves.

♎ Libra –Because the Dr Pants is a fellow air sign, like minded thinker and agent of calm yet heartfelt analysis, he feels free to speak thisly: the Sun and Jupiter—the vast majority of ALL the mass in this here solar system—their combined gravity is pulling our usually sound judgment towards the constellation Leo, the interplanetary leonine catalytic converter, the astro equal and opposite of Aquarius—reputed spaced mad man—Wait—there’s more math: at 145pm PDT on 7/24, both giant gas bags will be in a straight line from Earth to Leo—Wait! That’s it! The whole Libra scaly balance thing—In this one moment for a second or so, there’s a straight line from the constellation Aquarius to Earth, to the Sun, to Jupiter, and straight on to constellular Leo. Gravity in the paws of a Lion—ROAR.

♏ Scorpio –Check this crazy shite: only once every 12 years does this crazy shite go down: both the Sun and Jupiter—the vast majority of ALL the mass in our solar system—pas de petites pommes de terre, no?—these massive gas bags are between us and the constellation Leo: all that gravity and physics and absurdly large numbers pulling us, dragging us towards the king of the celestial jungle, a skywalking dominatrix, whose astro equal & opposite is Aquarius, reputed mad man of the zodiac: And furtherly—for a brief moment at 145pm PDT on the 7/24, they’ll both be pulling on us, we the royal WE, towards the Lion’s den, at exactly the same degree—namely 5 degrees of Leo…there’s lotto numbers in there somewhere…but imagine all that power of attraction heavenly attuned to brilliance and insanity and leonine magnanimity. Sweet time to be alive. But you already knew that… ponder these grand gravitational gravitas, whilst the sky is thus afire.  

♐ Sagittarius –The last time these crazy cosmic shenanigans happened was back in ’02—aught 2? No that’s dumb… 2002—last time all this shite went boogedy. In space, right now, as you read this, both Jupiter and the Sun—the vast majority of ALL the mass in the solar system are aligned and pulling us towards the constellation Leo, the skywalking hakuna matata, probably wearing a leopard print thong and tube top, purring prideful prowess at the top of the food chain, yeah—that guy—all that gravity & gravitas in a direct line, even if for a brief moment, say 145pm PDT on 7/24. This whole week, tis best to have your greatest and most daring ideas at the ready, for tis cosmic time to self embolden and globally embiggen. Roar time, fire signs.

♑ Capricorn – Hot dizzy diggedy higgledy piggledy pork in a poke, and Bob’s your uncle, because this cosmic shite is dastardly daring and rebel ready to scorch any pervasive & pusillanimous authority that claims jurisdiction & jurisprudence over anything they don’t agree with, namely the advanced logic and sound argument of the Capricorn mind. Check it: the Sun and Jupiter—big ass gas bags, right—also the vast majority of ALL the mass in our solar system, are both aligned and pulling us toward the constellation Leo, the skywalking Lion, king of the celestial jungle, all that gravity & gravitas in a direct line to Roar Town. You must do what you feel is right, of course…

Aquarius ♒ -Brougham, there is a shite ton of interplanetary graviton waves from way out beyond the asteroid field headed for us, and a shite ton of it from Leo, the constellation that can catch, kill, and eat any food in the chain, aside from our opposing thumb having, tiger blood drinking human types... Jupiter just moved into Leo for the next year, the Sun is also in Leo, and Sat is a new moon, duh yes, in Leo—also btw, whilst I got your eyeballs, Mars blazes into Scorp after a retro shadow, so it's basically 200 proof firewater at a party with a guy sans limits. The Dr Pants's point is, is that the sky is on fire and endorphins are cheap. Have a better time with yourself and perk up, jerky, life's ablaze with creative Aquarii friendly shite. Go get yo’ self some, regret nothing, then rinse and repeat.

♓ Pisces –Were you a regular star gazer, you’d know that that particular point of light, over there to the southwest just above the horizon, is not a star but a planet—let’s say Mars, and of course you’d also know that as the night sky seems to spin above us, the Earth is actually spinning on its axis, right—and then, you’d double super know that certain sky lights go against that constant spinning motion, quite predictably btw, and they appear to move backwards in the sky, against the direction of spin of every other single point of light ad infinauseum® in the night sky—retrograde type shite, right? Okay, so—full disclosure here, Uranus is going backwards. Yes, Uranus moves backwards, against the flow of normal stellar traffic. You have a backwards Uranus. Fret not, it ain’t fatal, it’s temporary, so ease into it and go slow, it's summertime and the livin's easy, if a bit unpredictable and new to the psychological clime of the Piscean mind.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Brace yourself—no crutches mind you, they’re self defeating, rather—embrace thy form, for late summer fireworks are nigh and imminent. Quick primer re the heavens: Jupiter: big gas bag, right, okay so it orbits in the same plane as we do but way farther out, changes signs once a year—yeah, long orbit, right? Point is, is that Wed morning, like 330am PDT, Jupiter went from being adrift against a constellular Cancerian cluster, to slip sliding away on a celestial surfboard involving Leo, the skywalking lion, king of the celestial overhanging firmament jungle. Roar, I guess. What does it all mean?! The Dr Pants is not disposed to say: yet posit thisly: Jupiter, king of all the celestial jungles btw, just became a powerful carnivorous feline, probably intent upon exercising some political muscle. Imagine what Aries fire could add to that mix. Uff da, am I right? Hold tight, things may become pleasantly flammable.

♉ Taurus –The last time these celestial shenanigans occurred was 12 years ago, say ‘02,  and before that—1990, and furtherly every 12 years back past that. Quick primer re Jupiter—big gas bag out past Mars and the asteroid field—on Wed at like 330am PDT he slipped subtly into the constellular field known as Leo—the lion. Roar, and etc, right? So, due to largess and invulnerability Jupiter, king of all the gods, mind you, has now transmogrified into a carnivorous feline Grrrrr factory, and will stay a lion till 2015—yeah, long orbit. Expect big doin’s and the embiggening of your prospectus. Leo is fire, fire’s a catalyst. Fire = change, so imagine that power at the discretion of the king of all gods. Huge boons, big deals and hot times.

♊ Gemini –Quick primer re stuff: from an Earthly pov, behind every planet in our solar system, is one of the 12 constellations—it’s geometry and math and it’s boring, but it’s the Dr Pants’s’ life sometimes, and turns out that on Wed at like 330am PDT, Jupiter—king of all the gods mind you, will leave Cancer in the dust and choose a backdrop of the constellation Leo, for about the next Earth year. King of the gods. Lion. Massive gravitational properties. Roar. King of the celestial jungle reflecting starshine back at us. Furtherly, fire changes matter. It’s a catalyst. Imagine what Gemini air could accomplish in the paws of a skywalking lion. Imagine what You could change, and then make it so. Warp 9, Gemini…Warp 9.

♋ Cancer –Posit: the constellation Cancer lies between Gemini—way full of hot air, and Leo—ready to light it up, both metaphorically, proverbially, and right here right now 24/7, and Cancer the transition, the inter tidal zone, where life can develop, flourish and recreate itself endlessly, all betwixt air and fire—in fact…across the zodiac, water is always between air and fire—Scorp betwixt Libra and Sag, and Pisces between the Aquarii and Aries… furtherly adding to this rambling posit: Jupiter—big gas bag out past the asteroids—just slipped into Leo, and Saturn, in Scorpio, is about to come out of retrograde. Big planets, big energies, big heavenly doin’s. Get ready for a wild interplanetary great space coaster. It’s good to be the king. Happy Birthday, you old sidesaddler.

♌ Leo –Oh snap. It’s roary-roar time in the lion’s den, you’ve done it, now, mister or miss feline. Remember from ‘02 into ‘03? Do ya? Well, the Dr Pants advises you to recall that year, as well as the same period from 1990-1991. What was going on in your life? Quick primer re Jupiter—king of all the gods btw, but also a really large gas bag out past the asteroid field, yes that’s the one, could hold over a 1,000 Earths inside—yes, yes…well, the good fortune belongs to you! And indirectly those of the Aquarian vibe—long story, geometry and stuff, but point is, is that from our Earthly pov, Jupiter was in front of Cancer, and on Wed it moved into Leo. Neat! Astronomy! Meaning? Maybe. Ready thy soul. You, the Lion, you be the catalyst.  

♍ Virgo –Okay, so…quick primer re the solar system and geometry and ancient Greek math: All the planets orbit our Sun más o menos in the same plane, right, and from our Earthly pov re the heavens that bend above us, Jupiter—the king of the all the gods—is changing robes from Cancer to Leo, from water to fire, for the next year, más o menos—entiendes? Bueno. Continuamos re la systema de tus estrellas: the biggest planet in our midst, Jupiter—again, king of all gods—moves from Cancer agua to Leo en fuego—for the next year! Big doin’s, and a year’s long chance to embiggen your spiritual fire. The year starts now. Whizz bang!

♎ Libra –Speaking of astro-geometry, let’s chat briefly and intimately about a planetary shift, that may mean nothing, depending on whom you pressure, but that contains some scientific relevance. Jupiter, right—massive gas bag out past the asteroid field, has been in Cancer for a year, and well now it’s slipping into Leo—the constellation of the king of the celestial jungle, and will transit the Lion’s cosmic alimentary canal well into 2015. Jupiter is the king of all the gods, right? Imagine what influence he could have as a skywalking lion with a taste for meat and intellect. Fire is a catalyst, and Libra is air. Imagine what crazy shite you could pull off seamlessly this year—and then make them so. The year starts now. Whizz bang!

♏ Scorpio –Check this interplanetary action: Jupiter, king of all the gods, has been sleeping thru Cancer for a year, and on Wed he moved into the constellation Leo. Mmmm, fire in charge of the sky = neat! But wait there’s more shite to check: Saturn—the would be king of all the gods, comes out of retro motion on Sun—in Scorpio. You follow? Okay, more follow: the two biggest non solar gas bags in the system are both moving forward and hashing shite out between leonine fire and scorpionic fire water. Shite is right. Humungoid planets, massive gravity, and the heavens rife with fierce souls that don’t require much rest. Uff da! The king of a starry jungle is now hard at work—Wanna change the world? There’s nothing to it…

♐ Sagittarius –Sure, there is no spoon, but let’s talk seriously about what it’s gonna take to get you out to Jupiter today: On Wed, the king of all the heavenly gods finished his sleepy Cancer tour, and moved into Leo, the lion, so, ROAR!—for the next year anyhoo. The leonine skywalker is hungry—he hasn’t had Jupiter in his paws since ’02,  and fyi you could fit over a 1,000 Earths in Jup, and for the next year, he’s pulling on us towards Leo, towards the lion’s den. The Dr Pants posits that you are a sage fire, a wise catalyst able to transform your own environs, so as to make them a product of you. The sky’s on fire, and you are air, a divine and eco friendly fuel. Imagine what a Sag could do with Leo fire. Yeah—blast off…

♑ Capricorn –Doozy of a full moon in Cap last week, right? The Dr Pants is still recovering. But check this shite: On Wed, Jupiter, king of all the gods, moved into Leo for the next year, after a long nap in sleepy Cancer town. And this Sunday, Saturn—wannabe king of planetary gas bags, stops going backwards in the sky, and rejoins the celestial parade—and he’s in Scorpio btw. Yeah, uff da. A lot of the sky’s going to be fire and fire water for a while. Big planets, lots of gravity and tons of leonine strutting, posturing and mastering of the celestial food chain, including a nigh new moon in Leo as well. Big shite. Big doin’s. Break out the hip waders and check before you wreck. This party takes no prisoners.

Aquarius ♒ -It’s a hell of a time to be alive. Check this shite: Jupiter is moving into Leo—hasn’t happened since ‘02, remember that shite? Also check this further shite: we just had a doozy of a full moon in Capricorn, and the next new moon is in Leo, right and consequently the next full moon treading agua in the intellectually gifted sea, the mysterious waters of us, the royal WE, WE the Aquarii, our half birthday and time to shine, and we even got Jupiter in Leo just to sweeten the pot. What could it all mean? What could it all portend? Be aware, be present, be what you’re like, be like yourself—with so much Leo, we can see further and imagine greater than we have previously imagined. Leo is a fiery lens and time is deep and intimately infinite. Act accordingly. The year starts now. Whizz bang!

♓ Pisces –Quickly: some actual astro news, and then on to your immediate future! Jupiter—king of all the gods just strolled into the constellation Leo—the lion, famed carnivore and king of all jungles—until well into 2015. Also, Saturn in Scorp, is now moving forward again in the celestial parade as of Sunday, and finally Uranus—let’s just say it’s got shite goin’ on. Big planets, lots of gravity betwixt fire and fire water, and here we go, your immediate future! Are you sitting down? Probably should. Yes, yes, get comfy. Shoes off? You bet! Ready? This week, you’re going to get rich and/or famous and/or infamously rich and famous! You’ve been sitting on top of Lincoln’s gold the whole time! Something you never would have imagined is ripe & refulgent, burgeoning & ready for plucking. You are one lucky plucky ducky! Treasure is under- as well as, a- foot.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horrorscopes

(unassociated with neither horror nor scopes of any ilk)

pantsmcturd.blogspot.com

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Reminder: here on Earth, it’s summer! In the northern hemi anyhoo, the air is warm and nourishing, and doggonnit, you could sleep outside it's so nice. And maybe you should. The Dr Pants wants you to camp, camp out, camp outside somewhere that makes you feel like new again, like whatever blackness you've been holding or harboring, whatever ancient evil that pervades your innermost Freudian nether regions, now is the time to molt and shed such obvious attempts at disguising your own true self to the stars above. Now is the time of maximum solar energyand of it you should avail yourself, if not a whole week, at least a weekend full on and in the out of doors. It’ll cleanse, rectify & blow your mind. Reconnect. Rebuild. Restore.

♉ Taurus – I'm not lucky to have this job, I'm lucky to be alive. Frakking brilliant, right? Or maybe luck is bullshite and we make our own luck thru repeated and unapologetic attempts at getting thru this spacetime fabric with not only our samsaric® skins intact, but also our karmically divine and  unimaginably magnanimous spirits in- and attuned. WE are made of star stuff. Literally, all our atoms, every iota of energy that makes up us, the we, the royal WE, all that energy was created inside a star, all of us began as a conglomeration of energy that coalesced into ‘solid’ matter. And now, here’s you and the Dr Pants, and the present moment, where any thing you can imagine is possible. Dream large and build constructively and with purpose. There is neither a spoon, nor is there any such thing as luck.  

♊ Gemini –Full moon on Sat the 12^th btw, and fyi it’s the peak of summer photonic solar energy, in the northern hemi anyhoo, and also btw & fyi: When you look at the full moon, directly behind it is the constellation Capricorn, hence a Capricorn moon, and btw & fyi: behind the Sun is the constellation Cancer, and furtherly that at this time, the moon and the sun will be pulling on Earth, and hence on you personally, in opposite yet somehow equal directions between metaphorical water and earth. Oh, and btw &fyi, currently, you reside at a personal best in terms of looking foxy and the strutting of stuff. Find your party pants and find someone to kiss.  

♋ Cancer –The sky is having a crab fest right now, yet fret nary, you’re not the main course, but rather the guest of honor. Happy continuing Birthday times! Quick lowdown skywise: backing up the Sun is the constellation Cancer (yes, you!), in a nice straight line all the way to the Crab Nebula. Yes, your constellation has its own nebula—a supernova from a thousand light years ago. AND…the full moon on the 12^th is against a sky of constellular Capricorn, your skywise opposite and equal, is in effect pulling on Earth in two opposite yet equal directions. For a small cosmic moment, it’s party central here in crab apple cove. Dust off your party pincers & find a beach. The water’s perfectly salty and divinely warm and luxuriant. Happy Birthday, Crabby.

♌ Leo –Posit: many mammals are carnivores, right, and many hunt at night, and specifically, there’s bound to be more stalking and hunting during a full moon—more light, right, and so as we human types evolved to hunt larger and larger prey—top o’the food chain, right—as a species we’ve become attuned to the moon and its cycles. Point is, is that Sat the 12^th is a full moon—Oh and btw, it’s residing against a backdrop of Capricornian constellular masses, like literally, the moon and the Crab constellation are pulling us in opposite yet equal directions in timespace. The Dr’s astro advice: go directly to where the earth and water intersect, and get comfy for at least a weekend.

♍ Virgo –The Dr Pants’s posit for the week occurs thusly: big carnivores like us humans & lions & whathaveya, we’ve evolved as hunters of larger and more dangerous game—top o’the food chain, right, and surprise surprise, a full moon is a great time to hunt, way more night light, right, and so accordingly our adrenaline systems and energy levels might also attune themselves accordingly to provide our bodies with maximum durability during intense lunations to ensure a better hunt, a better kill, & ergo more survival. Neat, right? Well shucks, Sat the 12^th is a full lunation—against a backdrop of stars from a fellow earth sign, the Cappie, the mountain goat with the most goatee! Point is, is: full moon on Sat. Beware lunacy and saturnalia.

♎ Libra –Regeneration is your watchword for the week. Recently the Dr Pants unsuccessfully tried to slice off a fingertip with an over eager knife that turns out, was quite sharp. Luckily he survived, as did the fingertip, which somehow reshaped, rebuilt and restructured itself back to its original shape. Our bodies have evolved to regenerate, without our conscious knowledge or intervention. The body just does it—all on its own recognizance. Posit: the psyche has a similar evolution and is also self healing. Astro advice: now is the time of max solar munitions, in the northern hemi anyhoo, so put your conscious meditative energy toward buttressing your already innate self healing. Physician, heal thyself. Time is ripe.

♏ Scorpio –From an Earthly pov, Cap and Cancer are opposite each other in the sky, right, and currently the constellation Cancer is right behind our sun, and thanks to gravity, Cancer is pulling our star as well as us—we, the royal WE, towards it, towards space water and crabby beach dwellers, and furtherly and concurrently the full moon on Sat the 12^th, floats upon a backdrop of constellular Capricorn, aka the sea goat—and so that group of stars is pulling on us in the opposite direction. There’s a lot of attraction and mutual gravity going down in cosmos town, right? Rife with symbolism, no? This nexus twixt earth and water should reveal treasure. Eyes on the prize.

♐ Sagittarius -Perhaps we are all endless intellectual warriors, bound to be curious, infinitely intrepid, and ever clever in our endeavors to find out what's next, what's ahead via the horizon, zenith, or wormhole. Infinity seems like a shiteload of time, right? And our atoms, our very constitutions are borne of star stuff, of helium and hydrogen, and whatever coalesced before muons and gluons started working together to form matter. So really as long as we're conscious, what really could be the matter? Nigh tis full moon ‘gainst a backdrop of a Capricornian constellular conspiracies—common sense, intelligent, bold, and yet measured steps into a larger future.

♑ Capricorn –From current earthly pov, our sun is hanging out at the local watering hole of the constellation Cancer, at summer’s height—in the northern hemi anyhoo, maximum photons and energy waves pointed right at us, and meanwhile the moon, which is full on the 12^th  btw, is parked in front of the constellation Capricorn, aka the sea goat…fer reals, you’re a goat, due the section of the sky you call home, you’re actually a goat that likes the water—who knew right? Point is, is that you only get one full moon a year in your sign. This week, you’re extra fancy & super high falutin’. In short, your poop don’t stink. Act accordingly and exercise your kingly kindliness.

Aquarius ♒ -So little to do and so much time. Wait. Strike that. Reverse it. And also, a quick primer on Uranus: allegedly, it’s the ruling planet of Aquarius, for whatever that’s worth, considering it wasn’t discovered till maybe 1690, giving well intentioned yet oft inept astrologers very little time to ascribe this particular green gas giant’s bona fides, so let’s say furtherly, that Uranus’s orbit is irregular compared to ALL the other planets, and even furtherly, that it’s the only planet named for a Greek god rather than Roman, and yet still furtherly, that we Aquarii are reputed to be unpredictable, perhaps unusual and absurdly unbelievably fast on our mental feet, and yet once more furtherly, Uranus is in the constellation Aries til 2018—slow orbit, right? As usual: consider all things and non-things, but don’t forget to carpe omnia—Seize everything. Time is ripe for pickin..

♓ Pisces –Posit this wack shite: full moon on Sat the 12^th—so we see the full face of the moon lit up by yonder sun, and in this once yearly instance, behind the sun is Cancer, and behind the full moon is Capricorn. Furtherly, thanks to gravity and science, the moon and sun are pulling on Earth as well as on you, personally, in opposite yet oddly equal directions, betwixt super solar heated water and effervescent tide pools, and an alleged mountain goat representing earth and possibly, stateliness—and you in betwixt the two. Amid these disparate tidal energies, hold tight—for what you discover between ebb & flow is rare & priceless. Thar be treasure both near & nigh.