Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Brace yourself—no crutches mind you, they’re self defeating, rather—embrace thy form, for late summer fireworks are nigh and imminent. Quick primer re the heavens: Jupiter: big gas bag, right, okay so it orbits in the same plane as we do but way farther out, changes signs once a year—yeah, long orbit, right? Point is, is that Wed morning, like 330am PDT, Jupiter went from being adrift against a constellular Cancerian cluster, to slip sliding away on a celestial surfboard involving Leo, the skywalking lion, king of the celestial overhanging firmament jungle. Roar, I guess. What does it all mean?! The Dr Pants is not disposed to say: yet posit thisly: Jupiter, king of all the celestial jungles btw, just became a powerful carnivorous feline, probably intent upon exercising some political muscle. Imagine what Aries fire could add to that mix. Uff da, am I right? Hold tight, things may become pleasantly flammable.

♉ Taurus –The last time these celestial shenanigans occurred was 12 years ago, say ‘02,  and before that—1990, and furtherly every 12 years back past that. Quick primer re Jupiter—big gas bag out past Mars and the asteroid field—on Wed at like 330am PDT he slipped subtly into the constellular field known as Leo—the lion. Roar, and etc, right? So, due to largess and invulnerability Jupiter, king of all the gods, mind you, has now transmogrified into a carnivorous feline Grrrrr factory, and will stay a lion till 2015—yeah, long orbit. Expect big doin’s and the embiggening of your prospectus. Leo is fire, fire’s a catalyst. Fire = change, so imagine that power at the discretion of the king of all gods. Huge boons, big deals and hot times.

♊ Gemini –Quick primer re stuff: from an Earthly pov, behind every planet in our solar system, is one of the 12 constellations—it’s geometry and math and it’s boring, but it’s the Dr Pants’s’ life sometimes, and turns out that on Wed at like 330am PDT, Jupiter—king of all the gods mind you, will leave Cancer in the dust and choose a backdrop of the constellation Leo, for about the next Earth year. King of the gods. Lion. Massive gravitational properties. Roar. King of the celestial jungle reflecting starshine back at us. Furtherly, fire changes matter. It’s a catalyst. Imagine what Gemini air could accomplish in the paws of a skywalking lion. Imagine what You could change, and then make it so. Warp 9, Gemini…Warp 9.

♋ Cancer –Posit: the constellation Cancer lies between Gemini—way full of hot air, and Leo—ready to light it up, both metaphorically, proverbially, and right here right now 24/7, and Cancer the transition, the inter tidal zone, where life can develop, flourish and recreate itself endlessly, all betwixt air and fire—in fact…across the zodiac, water is always between air and fire—Scorp betwixt Libra and Sag, and Pisces between the Aquarii and Aries… furtherly adding to this rambling posit: Jupiter—big gas bag out past the asteroids—just slipped into Leo, and Saturn, in Scorpio, is about to come out of retrograde. Big planets, big energies, big heavenly doin’s. Get ready for a wild interplanetary great space coaster. It’s good to be the king. Happy Birthday, you old sidesaddler.

♌ Leo –Oh snap. It’s roary-roar time in the lion’s den, you’ve done it, now, mister or miss feline. Remember from ‘02 into ‘03? Do ya? Well, the Dr Pants advises you to recall that year, as well as the same period from 1990-1991. What was going on in your life? Quick primer re Jupiter—king of all the gods btw, but also a really large gas bag out past the asteroid field, yes that’s the one, could hold over a 1,000 Earths inside—yes, yes…well, the good fortune belongs to you! And indirectly those of the Aquarian vibe—long story, geometry and stuff, but point is, is that from our Earthly pov, Jupiter was in front of Cancer, and on Wed it moved into Leo. Neat! Astronomy! Meaning? Maybe. Ready thy soul. You, the Lion, you be the catalyst.  

♍ Virgo –Okay, so…quick primer re the solar system and geometry and ancient Greek math: All the planets orbit our Sun más o menos in the same plane, right, and from our Earthly pov re the heavens that bend above us, Jupiter—the king of the all the gods—is changing robes from Cancer to Leo, from water to fire, for the next year, más o menos—entiendes? Bueno. Continuamos re la systema de tus estrellas: the biggest planet in our midst, Jupiter—again, king of all gods—moves from Cancer agua to Leo en fuego—for the next year! Big doin’s, and a year’s long chance to embiggen your spiritual fire. The year starts now. Whizz bang!

♎ Libra –Speaking of astro-geometry, let’s chat briefly and intimately about a planetary shift, that may mean nothing, depending on whom you pressure, but that contains some scientific relevance. Jupiter, right—massive gas bag out past the asteroid field, has been in Cancer for a year, and well now it’s slipping into Leo—the constellation of the king of the celestial jungle, and will transit the Lion’s cosmic alimentary canal well into 2015. Jupiter is the king of all the gods, right? Imagine what influence he could have as a skywalking lion with a taste for meat and intellect. Fire is a catalyst, and Libra is air. Imagine what crazy shite you could pull off seamlessly this year—and then make them so. The year starts now. Whizz bang!

♏ Scorpio –Check this interplanetary action: Jupiter, king of all the gods, has been sleeping thru Cancer for a year, and on Wed he moved into the constellation Leo. Mmmm, fire in charge of the sky = neat! But wait there’s more shite to check: Saturn—the would be king of all the gods, comes out of retro motion on Sun—in Scorpio. You follow? Okay, more follow: the two biggest non solar gas bags in the system are both moving forward and hashing shite out between leonine fire and scorpionic fire water. Shite is right. Humungoid planets, massive gravity, and the heavens rife with fierce souls that don’t require much rest. Uff da! The king of a starry jungle is now hard at work—Wanna change the world? There’s nothing to it…

♐ Sagittarius –Sure, there is no spoon, but let’s talk seriously about what it’s gonna take to get you out to Jupiter today: On Wed, the king of all the heavenly gods finished his sleepy Cancer tour, and moved into Leo, the lion, so, ROAR!—for the next year anyhoo. The leonine skywalker is hungry—he hasn’t had Jupiter in his paws since ’02,  and fyi you could fit over a 1,000 Earths in Jup, and for the next year, he’s pulling on us towards Leo, towards the lion’s den. The Dr Pants posits that you are a sage fire, a wise catalyst able to transform your own environs, so as to make them a product of you. The sky’s on fire, and you are air, a divine and eco friendly fuel. Imagine what a Sag could do with Leo fire. Yeah—blast off…

♑ Capricorn –Doozy of a full moon in Cap last week, right? The Dr Pants is still recovering. But check this shite: On Wed, Jupiter, king of all the gods, moved into Leo for the next year, after a long nap in sleepy Cancer town. And this Sunday, Saturn—wannabe king of planetary gas bags, stops going backwards in the sky, and rejoins the celestial parade—and he’s in Scorpio btw. Yeah, uff da. A lot of the sky’s going to be fire and fire water for a while. Big planets, lots of gravity and tons of leonine strutting, posturing and mastering of the celestial food chain, including a nigh new moon in Leo as well. Big shite. Big doin’s. Break out the hip waders and check before you wreck. This party takes no prisoners.

Aquarius ♒ -It’s a hell of a time to be alive. Check this shite: Jupiter is moving into Leo—hasn’t happened since ‘02, remember that shite? Also check this further shite: we just had a doozy of a full moon in Capricorn, and the next new moon is in Leo, right and consequently the next full moon treading agua in the intellectually gifted sea, the mysterious waters of us, the royal WE, WE the Aquarii, our half birthday and time to shine, and we even got Jupiter in Leo just to sweeten the pot. What could it all mean? What could it all portend? Be aware, be present, be what you’re like, be like yourself—with so much Leo, we can see further and imagine greater than we have previously imagined. Leo is a fiery lens and time is deep and intimately infinite. Act accordingly. The year starts now. Whizz bang!

♓ Pisces –Quickly: some actual astro news, and then on to your immediate future! Jupiter—king of all the gods just strolled into the constellation Leo—the lion, famed carnivore and king of all jungles—until well into 2015. Also, Saturn in Scorp, is now moving forward again in the celestial parade as of Sunday, and finally Uranus—let’s just say it’s got shite goin’ on. Big planets, lots of gravity betwixt fire and fire water, and here we go, your immediate future! Are you sitting down? Probably should. Yes, yes, get comfy. Shoes off? You bet! Ready? This week, you’re going to get rich and/or famous and/or infamously rich and famous! You’ve been sitting on top of Lincoln’s gold the whole time! Something you never would have imagined is ripe & refulgent, burgeoning & ready for plucking. You are one lucky plucky ducky! Treasure is under- as well as, a- foot.