Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr !

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                               

♈ Aries –Everything changes, changes all the time in fact. Changes so frakking much that the NOW seems like an absurd phenomenon that we observe mindlessly, like Easter, or any other outmoded religious ritual, that previously defined us, binding us to nothing, bringing us to atheism, to existence sans purpose. What a pisser. And yeah, science and proof, and yet, wait—we should fret nary and never, for imagine—what an infinite multiverse must portend and endow? There are more things in heaven and earth, than are dreamt of—so far anyway. Drop your doubts and dream farther, it can only embiggen you. Get to an air sign and ingnite a metaphorical mind blowing blaze.

♉ Taurus –No pressure—but you know, it’s endless, the tick tock, tick tock,… Seriously tho, take your time, cause this is a totally at your own pace kind’a deal here, ya know. So, point is, is that the Dr Pants only has one prescription for what ails ya—No, it’s not an enema, why would you even ask that? Geez, and posit thusly: You either get busy living, or you get busy dying. Yet, posit further: there can be only One—get busy living. It’s the only path, the ONE PATH, your golden opportunity, as we inhabit our current star stuff, dreaming about being dreamt of. Leap and then, keep leaping, nets are irrelevant and invisibly ubiquitous. Do or do not. There is no try.

♊ Gemini -It's Gemini time and it's your show, literally, it's your show, like the way a bartender entertains and imbibes his customers, like how a lawyer woos a jury, like a politician kissing just the right gun toting baby. Your public life and private lives are forever twain, not just you, but twins inhabiting one body yet acting as one. Posit: we all have a public and private face—the Stranger, like Billy Joel and Freud got together and got busy. Gemini twins, two faced, a mirror to us all, but deeply involved in being two people at once. Congrats, and happy ass birthdays, you double edged light saber, you.

♋ Cancer –The impending solstice begins and embiggens your birthday time, magnifying you upwards to a state of massive tidal flux, and it’s like, three weeks away, so firstly the Dr Pants advises an in-take of breath, maybe hold it like 3 seconds, and then slowly exhale, releasing with it all doubt and pointless guilt about stupid shite that’s composed of, probably dark matter, the stuff we currently struggle to define—And definition increases the chance of innovation, and exploitation of resources that were previously untapped, like melting glaciers and evolving human sentiment, like we’re all so nearly almost ONE. And yet we are, ONE. Breathe some more, and continue.

♌ Leo -Fine, let’s ditch all the astrological hooey about signs and crap we don’t believe in or espouse of, shall we? Let’s get down to science, and posit this thusly: Jupiter, the biggest gas bag in the system, outside of the Sun—fits over 1300 earth’s inside it btw…she’s a Big Mamma Jamma, or a BMJ according to the JPL. Maybe Jupiter could’ve been a star, but just didn’t have the fusion or the cash to make it happen. The Dr Pants’s point is, is that this massive gas ball affects us with its gravity. It’s literally pulling on you right now, sometimes aligned with the Sun’s gravity and sometimes against. And both WE and Jupiter are made of the same stuff, the same basic parts. Nahh, there’s no connection. Have an ice cream sandwich, a nap, maybe some creative dreamtime, and reconsider ALL possibilities. There might be a spoon.   

♍ Virgo –Look, we all love the Virginal earth, but now is an astrologically perfect time for you solid ground types, despite your molten core, to make a mix tape for someone you love. Posit the larger metaphor, and imagine focusing all your musical energy into one hour for the purpose of making someone else feel something. Put yourself in the shoes of others in order to orthotically lift them to an étude above, an aerie in high orbit, a momentary pedastal, engendering a perspective on adoration. Move your focus out to gain clarity within. Cause another to feel loved and you will receive double in return and probably, unexpectedly.

♎ Libra –Read the following and grok: we just hit new moon in Gemini, our fellow air sign and unpredictable trapeze artist, backed by Gemininian sunlight…Geminian(?)…whatever, which in two weeks becomes a full moon in Sag—your second lover, the one that makes erotic sense, as opposed to the sensible choice, the one that maintains sanity rather than destroying it. Point is, is that Gemini sunlight reflected off a full moon in Sag portends impending fireworks, the kind that illuminate and embiggen. Prep for launch.  

♏ Scorpio –Let us not forget that the word snafu, was originally an acronym, military speak for ‘Situation Normal: All Fucked Up’. The Dr Pants only brings it up because we’re three weeks from a solstice, deep into springtime and Gemininian sunlight…Geminian…no, still sounds off—anyhoo, soon a full moon in Sag, your astro neighbor and jet pack just waiting for somebody to hit the start button. Who knows what could happen! Imagine yourself to be a catalyst between air and fire, making you the juice that thickens the sauce. Bring it, you phoenix, bring it, you molten ocean, you spiritual alchemist, you. Bring it, bring it good, bring it high, and bring it hard. 

♐ Sagittarius –We just had a new moon on Wed which means two weeks to a full moon in Sag, so put on your happy pants, because soon, you will lead us all to the next level. Even if you have no idea where you’re going, just go, we’re all following your lead. Posit: a full Sag moon reflects Gemininian sunlight… Geminian…still sounds wrong, point is, is that Gemini and Sag are cosmic partners, conspiring to light the way mixing air and fire towards whatever is next, but don’t worry about deciding what’s next—just go to there, everyone you love and care for are right by your side. Be the ball, Danny, be the ball.                 

♑ Capricorn –Sometimes when you do something right, no one notices that you’ve done anything at all. That said, posit: yadda yadda, there are no selfless acts, because what may seem altruistic usually results in feeling good about one’s self, therefore, not negating, but cutting into the percentage of selfless giving; that ego is all that exists because ego is a tool we’ve evolved in order to increase, ironically, our collective intelligence and ability to survive as a group. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and etc. That said, the Dr Pants’s advice: do something wonderful, tell no one, and see how you feel. If you feel good, then do it again. Payback is usually double.

Aquarius ♒ -Okaaayy, so, lies do not become us, yes? And therefore the Dr Pants suggests that We assume the following for the next two weeks until the Sag full moon—a new moon wish if you will… We usually cling to pragmatism, or realism, or whatever scientific method will relieve us from our tendencies to act or opine from an emotional pov, which as we pragmatists know can result in chaos, unintended blow ups and needless sentimentality, and usually about something mundane, like what do you feel like for dinner, honey? The rest of the world don’t think like us, and I’m not saying let your emotions guide you, nor does honesty prevail or exist, but open your heart and see what happens. The Gemini spring is lovely for rebirth, renewal and permission to act rashly.

♓ Pisces -Turns out, smelly asparagus pee is a mere switch of a gene, and a select few, elude the smelly pee. So, posit: are all our idiosyncrasies programmed by the flick of a G, a T, a C or an A, wreaking unintended havoc, resulting in a proclivity to alcoholism, or a propensity for trench mouth, or solipsism? Posit: as we evolve, we may also evolve the ability to consciously influence our genes, thereby increasing the speed of evolution, eventually leading to a moment to moment manipulation of our phenotypes, like maybe we could be different people in the span of a day, possibly each having their own unique genetic traits, and—Whoa! … The Dr Pants went a little Phillip K on you there—in order to make a point—Pleasant changes come with the solstice, in like 3 weeks or so. In the NOW, smell some flowers and regale, for it is spring, and you ride easily the wild spring seas.

Dr Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –If of late you’ve felt like an untended bonsai tree, that’s grown far past the socially accepted level of personal bushiness, then fret never, for spring is here, and it’s time to not only clean your house, but it’s HIGH time you trimmed the hedges. We’re fully into Gemini sun, Mars is past the doldrums of retrograde sludge, where conscience is made coward and resolution impaled on a pale cast of thought. Neither words nor deeds should be minced, but served al dente, al fresco even. You go, tiger, get what you want. The multiverse is conspiring to help you from all possible angles.

♉ Taurus –The birthday times are once again 11 months away, hope you had fun, but now let’s get down to cases shall we? Ahh, spring…plant the crops, plan a camping trip, maybe start exercising again…and oh yes—CLEANING, SPRING CLEANING! Your favorite! The Dr Pants rarely gives homework, but tough shite: clean something, anything, and don’t hire someone to clean for you, that’s self defeating cheating. Clean, and scrub, on hands and knees if necessary. By the time you’re done, and all’s nice & shiny, so too will your conscience and thusly, your soul. Clear the cobwebs, clear your mind.  

♊ Gemini –Well, now you’ve done it. Mars just ended a seldom embarked upon retrograde cycle, and the sun is fully backed by the Cosmic Federal Reserve emphasizing Geminian starlight. Gemininian…Whatever, point is, is that you’ve got a full tank of gas, the butt warmer in the seat has been preheated, your driving gloves fit perfectly, and your itchy trigger foot has the greenest of lights, so hit it, Dude, and don’t quit it til you’re satisfied and too tired to go on. Then rest up & hit it some more, and don’t quit it til at least month’s end. Mercury is also in Gemini, so it’s like a giant Gemini orgy, and you’re on top—both of you. Happy birthday, you bootlegging scamp.

♋ Cancer –The line betwixt carpetbagging and bootlegging is a mile wide and hard to dismiss. The former is deluded, thinking the locals won’t kick your ass, and the latter might not befriend you governmentally, but it sure will endear you to the people, the common folk, the 99%. Full disclosure: The Dr Pants is not telling you to attempt bathtub gin and probably setting fire to the neighborhood, no. Liquor is well regulated and just costs money—go to the store. What the Dr Pants is advising is to bootleg the nectar of the gods, a sweet elixir that flows from the mountain tops of Xanadu, Kubla Khan Juice, baby—whip up some sweet enlightenment and liberally salve it on a loved one, and don’t carpetbag—invest locally and conscientiously.  

♌ Leo –The Dr Pants had this whole ‘scope for ya about how relevant the planet Jupiter is to your daily existence, what with all the mass and cultural significance, like why did we name Jupiter after the king of all the gods, when the Sun is standing like right there? And how both Jupiter and the Sun pull on the Earth as well as your leonine self, at times in opposite directions and occasionally in the same direction, and how those lines of force, and the gravity wells that are much larger than yours, whether it’s a planet or a person, and how you might deal with an upcoming orbital shift. And then, I remembered you’re a pragmatist, and the Dr Pants thought, Lion don’t need no help, he’s the king, baby. He’s the King. On land anyway… Bonne chance!

♍ Virgo –Okay, hang on: way way way way out in space is something called the Oort Cloud, and it’s massive, and it spits off comets and space rocks and gas and dust and all sorts of shite. The Oort is way past the obit of Pluto, way way far, and lucky for us, there’s big dudes like Uranus and Saturn and of course, the rock star—Jupiter in between us and the Oort. Jupiter’s gravity well is so large that many of the Oort’s flying shite gets sucked in there, rather than landing in downtown Pasadena. Altho, tell that to the Yucatan, right? Point is, is that here on earth it’s spring and the skies are active, and conspiring to protect you, so go after what you want. He/she who hesitates might not be lost, and they’ll have to wait for the next perihelion.

♎ Libra –This week, under an ambitious Gemini sun, buffeted by molten Mercury also in Gemini, and after a recent release from retrograde hell, we have Mars, in Libra btw, gaining speed in our sky every night, anxious to make like Ricky Bobby, and go fast. Point is, is that air sign types might get a little breezy and we just might make upper atmo by June. Whatever you want—for now anyway, just ask. The multiverse is conspiring to help you, and matter really isn’t so solid, and maybe what seems like magic is merely a more subtle flow of energy than our sensors can penetrate. Get to a vehicle—be it car, career, passion, forgotten dreams, whatever… and go fast.

♏ Scorpio –Scorps are good at espousing their own godliness—check this posit: our wee corner of the multiverse is still cooling from a massive Big Bang, that created every thing and non-thing, like, ever, right, but if the Dr Pants were god, he’d go a little more Shiva—not one ‘verse, but uncountable ‘verses. Further posit: Fire symbolizes creation, the multiverse is born of fire, and Scorps are water that likes the heat, heat means change, Scorpio transforms from air (Libra) and hence into fire (Sag), and perhaps water is the source—the universal solvent indeed. Shite… It’s spring, a perfect time for creation and other follies. Invoke the Phoenix, then rise and disseminate.

♐ Sagittarius –I’m assuming you can smell it on the air right now. The nuclear force of the Sun just crossed into Gemini starlight and Mars is no longer on a retrograde opioid binge, in Libra btw, go figure—all backward and besotted and bewildered as to what to do next. You know the track, and you’re at the gate. There’s a reason this is horse racing season and there’s a reason that you’re half horse—astrologically and historically speaking, and the Dr Pants doesn’t know what those reasons are, but he does know—It’s time to ride, ride like the wind, and be free again. Equines to the ready!  

♑ Capricorn –You bet, the Dr Pants also fucking loves science, check this posit: The Sun is big balls massive, right, it can fit 1.3 million earths inside of it, and not even belch. And it’s pulling on us. Its gravity well is just a wee bit bigger than ours, and essentially, we’re falling into the sun—luckily that takes a while. And the point that old school astrology wants to make is that the group of stars behind our Sun has just transited to the constellation Gemini. That ‘random’ group of stars is now pulling on the Sun, and pulling us towards Gemini as well. What does it all mean?? It’s like a mosh pit out there! Find a Gemini, tell them happy birthday, and then kiss them on the mouth like you mean it.

Aquarius ♒ -If you don’t already own a pair, go out and buy, either new or used, a pair of Action Pants, the kind you feel comfortable in, that hug your crotch just right—Because it’s Boogie Time. Our Sun just moved into an airy Geminian compliment… Gemininian(?)—whatever, and Mars just came out of a rare nap and no longer resembles a lost planet moving backwards against the flow of star traffic in the night sky. And it’s spring! Loins everywhere are fired up and ready for action. Action Pants. Get some. Put them on. Then use your ideologies to embiggen the world & empleasure your crotch.

♓ Pisces –The buried treasure that YOU WILL FIND, is imminent, but not nigh. In the meantime, the Dr Pants recommends meditating on the following: “Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga…gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the 18^th, and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey Lama, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you’ll receive total consciousness.” So, YOU got that going for ya—which is nice. Despite the waves, the ocean is a patient place. Be calm and search your feelings. Build up to it, and treasure will appear unbidden and perfectly timed. 

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumbler.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –Okay…way, way back, Mars was a shiny red wanderer in the sky. Planets were first called wanderers because every once in a while, or say every three moon cycles—they seem to move backwards in the sky. Today, we’ve named that weird planet shite, retrograde! They only look like they’re going backwards, but really it’s just distance from our sun…point is, is that Mars is red, red means war, I guess, and hocus pocus—when angry planet goes backwards, shite meets fan! Anyhoo, it’s predictable and it happens on a cyclical basis. Just science, it’s boring, it’s just that right now, Mars is coming out of retrograde on the 19^th, red planet moving forward in the sky once again. Just sayin… Btw, read Virgo, it holds secrets and knowledge.

♉ Taurus –Okee dokee, so we got, like another week of Taurean sunlight—the time does fly, no? Oui, it does fly, and soon we’ll be radicalizing—upgrading…no, gentrifying your airspace into a Geminian sun. Geminiaian. A Gemini sun. Look, sun and light, photons, and vitamin D—oh, crap the Dr. Pants just realized that it’s still your birthday time, you late Taurean holdouts you, waiting til the last second to leap to the next island of surety and safety. For now, the Bull and its shite, get a pass, thanks to Scorpio juice cleansing your veins. Remain still within your strength, and breathe…

Btw, read Virgo, its secrets and knowledge are earthly and virginal.

♊ Gemini -Enough of the usual mumbo jumbo and ham fisted obfuscationary tactics usually employed by thwarters and usurpers who would seek to undo your laces and trip you groundward in the hopes of swaying you from a course mandated by favorable prevailing winds and a moral imperative that states this thusly: we're a week from Gemini sun time and birthdays and multiple orgasms and gluten free everything that tastes like diamonds without blood and happiness sans temper or regret. The sun readies itself for the likes of your starshine. Earthly sunlight becoming airborne. Happy almost birthday, you vixen, you cad, you jammed and cupcaked marmaladian scoundrel, covered in dipping sauce. Btw, read Virgo, knowledge lies there.

♋ Cancer –The Dr. Pants is woe to betide thee frivolously with omens of silly silly joy joy news re romance, or impending attractions, and nor if you’re already forsaken from sexual congress with others, that your union will be emblazoned across the sky for all to see and be impressed and engorged by—no, sir! The Dr. Pants is no patsy, or pastry, or whatever—I, the royal I, We—WE are not saying that right now, cosmically speaking, you are super dope and infra red, ballistic and inbound. You hot scoundrel, you cad, you bounder you! Be fruitful and multiply in all your endeavors. Time is now.

Btw, read Virgo, it might palaver with thee.

♌ Leo –Cut to: “Hey Brian, it’s springtime!—springtime in the wadi delta!” And the jackelopes are breeding, but surviving only by a thread, because you are the LION. Yes, roar! Okay fine, ROOOAAAAARRRR! … Full disclosure: The Dr. Pants may have creamed his own pants right there, which means your immediate future is not scary at all, and there’s nothing to see here. So, move along. These are so not the droids that anyone would ever look for in any circumstance, not ever, I mean c’mon, get real, man. In closing, don’t forget, you, are leonine Neo, born to transcend all dimensions, king of the jungle—king of the world! No pressure, tho. Peace out. We’re all counting on you. Btw, read Virgo, your cosmic neighbor portends stuff of import.

♍ Virgo –If you're reading these word usements, it means that you need to hear some shite about retrograde planetary action. Par example, that little pecker Mercury goes retrograde thrice per annum, and it's generally a pain in the collective arse. Planets don't literally go backwards, but it looks that way from our earthly pov, not everybody gets to orbit in a sweet spot 365, right? Anyhoo, on the 19th Mars, which only goes retrograde every couple of years, comes out of a long spell of apparent reverse motion. That said, The Dr. Pants doesn't necessarily espouse traditional astrological bullsquat, but in this case, whatever Mars represents for you, the red planet is done with the backward awkward and upstairs downstairs, and it's time to wooly bully and hully gully. Do some stretches, be prepared to move, and mos' definitely ready your groove for dope activities. Time is now.

♎ Libra -Mars is a planet, right, and from time to time due to physics and math and stuff, planets appear to be moving backwards in the sky, hence the origin of the word planet—meaning wanderer. Unlike stars and galaxies and such, planets don't move across the heavens in nice circularish movements, nor does any astronomical body within the immediate pull of our sun. And on the 19th, our reddish neighbor Mars—from our pov, comes out of a long sleep, which is a seldom—only every couple of years. Howsomeever, whatever Mars represents in your psyche, it's time to get a move on and get stoned and groovy. Btw, read Virgo, your nearby earth is a trove of treasure.

♏ Scorpio –So, right after a chthonic full moon in Scorp, we’ll see Mars passing from apparent retrograde motion, and that's the key...apparent retrograde, into 'forward' motion. Yet planets don't actually move backwards, they're stuck in an arguably fated pre determined orbits, but yet planets, aka wanderers across our heavens, they move backwards heavenwise from time to time. Yet fret nary, everything is perspective, and knowledge is merely experience guided by past data trends, so assume that as of the 19th, we will collectively and individually have warp speed capabilities. Engage... Btw, read Virgo, our virgin earth yet holds secrets.

♐ Sagittarius –Okay, so the Dr. Pants is bound by truthiness and must oblige you of the following information, but at the same time the Dr. Pants also would like to invoke immunity, for any future or potential crime, forever and on into eternity… So, you know how planets go retrograde, right, and it looks like they’re going backward in the sky—they’re not really going backward, their orbits are just different than ours—good thing too btw—big nasty buggers those gas giants are! And Mars is coming out of retrograde this week. Whatever your prey, the hunt is afoot and in full blossom.
Btw, read Virgo, virgins can air out your earthly secrets.

♑ Capricorn –Consider this physics shite: If you were a photon, as in the particle who sometimes crossdresses as a wave, even tho our ‘Verse is currently stringy—for now at least, definitions morphing all the time into whatnots and hooliganisms, if you were a photon, the journey from the sun to earth, and to your pretty face, would take no time at all, it would be instantaneous—that’s how fast light travels. Deep shite, right? But wait, there’s more: from your pov, here on earth, only moving at a fraction of the speed of light, it actually takes 8 whole earth minutes for that same photon to light up your corneas. Time = no thing? Addendum: read Virgo, because dirt is dirt and earth is finite, right?

Aquarius ♒ -We Aquarii ‘feel’ that if feelings are arbitrary, then they are not necessarily true—as if doubting the validity of our emotions is a reasonable raison d'être. Thusly the Dr. Pants posits: that female Aquarii are vastly more connected to their emotions, while male Aquarii are more attached to the intellectual approach, seemingly devoid of emotion, especially as the subject ages and hormone levels inevitably decrease...and sure the psyche tries to make up for that loss in modalities of fear, nervousness, anxiety, and generally feeling like an over-microwaved turd blossom. But even this is capital crap. WE the royal WE, are free, WE are free and clear, and free of reasonless fear, because all is possible in this here ‘Verse. Build it, and everyone will come to the party.

Btw, read Virgo, virginity is ubiquitous.

♓ Pisces –Heat waves are rarely a pleasant omen for fishy fish types. Warm waters, sure but let’s be reasonable, water is your medium, right? So, lack of humidity and arid extra dry solid state bull shite is jamming up your com-waves, and can I get an AMEN? AMEN INDEED, SAYETH HOPEFULLY SOMEBODY IN CHARGE OF THESE GALACTIC GOINGS-ONS! Seek thou rather the seashore, or natural springs, just get your ass back into water surrounded and bounded by earth and rehydrate for crap’s sake, you’re not a lizard, you’re a fish! Get to water, get a thorough soak and a saturating and come on back. No kidding: find water, talk later. Btw, for ‘clarity’ read Virgo, your equal and opposite

Dr. Pants McTurd’s

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

pantsmcturd.blogspot.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈Aries –Your power Aries icon for the week is Hoyt Axton. If you don’t know him, then you should educate the self, for he was a genius and heartfelt lyricist and singer, whose most famous contribution to ear pleasure is 'Joy to the World', about a bullfrog named Jeremiah who liked wine, and damn if he didn’t spread joy to the freaking world! Especially considering all the vocally talented Aries that the Dr. pants knows…there’s something in the air—birds, springtime, new growth, renewal, and a desire to croon and cavort like bonobos and over sexed avian alike. Let the jungle know that you came here to rock. Sing out loud, sing out free, free to be, you and me.

♉Taurus –As is apropos of Taurean sunlight time, let’s talk history: earth is made of insanely hot star stuff…mostly hydrogen and helium, not unironically they’re the lightest elements, containing only one and consecutively two electrons, and then billions and billions of years pass and we’ve cooled, but the inner core of our planet is still molten, shifting and producing magnetic fields that save our skins from not unironically—a blazing Taurean sun.

What you believe you see is only a facet of total truth. You are star stuff, so act accordingly. And happy birthday, you bully bully wooly bully!

♊Gemini –The Dr. Pants smells undeniable evidence of a bugaboo that’s been stuck craw-wise in you for some time. And no, it’s not ennui, it’s not weltschemertz. Nor is it a loup-garou, or a bête noire, but rather…something you’ve been sweeping under a proverbial rug, or—wait, that’s it! That rug really ties the room together! So, look, my little Gemi’s, it’s spring, and soon a Gemini sun, and it’s time to get off your ass and spring clean. Whether that’s your closet, your bathroom, the oven, or your double edged anima. Clear the brush, trim those hedges and scrub your neuronic pathways—luminous times approach. Maybe buy a new rug. Re-tie your room together.

♋Cancer –The sign before every water sign is an air sign, implying that astrologically speaking, solar heated air morphs into solar heated water thrice per annum. This week, the full moon reflects bold initiatively minded Taurean sunlight onto a lunar surface that floats against a background of Scorpionic stars. And soon after our sun moves into double edged Gemini flavor country, as we continue cycling thru an ancient system that we have devised, from our particular pov in the never ending cosmos. Air becomes water becomes fire becomes earth becomes air, over and over ad infinauseum®. This week, change is inevitable, and intrinsically positive.

♌Leo –The mascot for the LA Kings is a lion named Bailey. Which brings up several white elephants in the room, like Kings of the jungle…or in this case of the ice….yeah, okay, fairly thin on the metaphor, but ok, so secondly, they chose the name Bailey to honor a gentleman in the basketball world who died on 9/11, so that’s pretty cool, but the Dr. Pants’s point is, is that a leonine mascot for a winter sport, played in the desert = whaaa? You, my pointy toothed friend, have been sans mascot for too long. Please adopt a persona—doesn’t have to be a living thing btw, and when in doubt, whip out your costume and show off your best ice jig. Prance, lion, prance.

♍Virgo –The time of Taurean sunlight should remind us all that we are literally made of star stuff, that’s been cooling from the outer surface inwards for billions of years, bombarded by other star stuff adding to our bulgy superheated mass, creating trenches and mountains and tectonic whack-a-mole that seems hard to predict, especially if you consider that we’re frakking deep into Mamma Gaia, to release flammable goodies that she’s been hiding from another epoch. This be one hell of a rock we sit atop and occasionally spelunk and frak into. Use the Scorpio full moon on the 14^th to get your bearings, for there will be tons of light and lightning. 

♎Libra -Yo, an example of what not to do as a Libra is sadly, Vladimir Putin, allegedly born Oct 7….and yeah maybe he’s born the year of the dragon, which should be enough evidence to convince NATO that—look, the point is of the Dr. Pants, is that dragons are very territorial, and democracy has a different flavor, like avocado liqueur which is at the outset, seems horrifying, so let’s arm ourselves and rouse Reagan from his eternal slumber (an Aquarius btw) …unless, cooler cold war heads prevail and we allow, nay…put off…no, allay the fears of…shite. Despite certain Libran political juggernauts, we, the royal WE, have a chance to cleanse our souls with Scorpio full moon reflected Taurean sunlight, refulgent with photon cannons and trebuchets that hurl light waves. Step into the light…

♏Scorpio –Heads up, full moon in Scorp on the 14^th, so unpack your favorite luna-tic pants and find a good spot to soak up Taurean sunlight reflected off the lunar surface, riding parade float-style against a backdrop of arachnidian Scorpionic stars. The spotlight is yours to place, and it’s stronger and harder than a bad girl’s dream. Focus your power and luminosity on any dark corner you please, whether that’s your bathroom that needs cleaning, or you psyche that needs scrubbing. Wherever you go, there will be scads of light… and happy half birthday.

♐Sagittarius –Full moon in Scorpio facing a continent building Taurean solar furnace this week on the 14^th, and since Scorps are about changing the dynamics and pov’s on any given situation, how they transform themselves into what they imagine themselves to be, and how they are alchemically suited to changing wine into more wine…wait a tick—is the Dr. Pants talking about Scorp or Sag? Scorp water does morph into Sag fire, in fact all water signs change into fire. Point is, is that this is a powerful week, replete with rhapsodic interludes of mind altering etudes that carry energy on infinite wavelengths of light. Get a moon tan. Next full moon is yours—all Sag, all nite long.

♑Capricorn -To the Dr. Pants, Caps seem like Jedi’s with a bad attitude and a poor attendance record, the ones most likely to be called into Yoda’s weird tree trunk herpetologist’s wet dream of a home for a stern talking to, and even tho it’s hard to argue with a little green dude who needs a serious mani-pedi, I mean he’s been training Jedi for 900 years give or take—and who the frak are you? And you’ll never be the Sith type, you’re too empathetic despite your bluster. So just take your medicine and do what the little green ninja says. Right he is. Save you he can.

Aquarius ♒-Full moon on the 14^th, reflecting Taurean sunlight from a luna-tic satellite treading water amidst a sea of Scorpionic stars, bathing all our hidden spaces and crawlways with refulgent luminosity that sure—you could resist, and hey, the Dr. Pants is also of the Aquarii, and fully acknowledges the need, despite being an air sign, to bury in the dirt all the places we got hurt. Passivity, non violent opposition, keeping your mouth shut hoping for absolution of a world that often lacks foresight and resorts to violence far too often. This week however, big bright ass moon and inescapable light. Don’t run, just unload and forgive. Spring clean your soul.

♓Pisces –Fret not, this next week is all about you, you fishy fishmongering monkfish, you. It’s a balls deep full moon in Scorpio on the 14^th, which reflects Taurean sunlight towards our luna-tic faces, leaving us without shadows, and tossing everything up for public view. And the Dr. Pants knows how much Pisces enjoy being naked, so whatever you got, it’s time to let it all hang out loud, and hang out free. Moonlight will unburden your soul of whatever you’ve allowed to take root. Spring clean, fishy. Fret not the big waves, they swell in order to clean, heal and ameliorate a winter weary reef. 

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr!

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –Your power Aries icon for the week is Hoyt Axton. If you don't know him, then you should educate the self, for he was a genius and heartfelt lyricist and singer, whose most famous contribution to ear pleasure is 'Joy to the World', about a bullfrog named Jeremiah who liked wine, and damn if he didn't spread joy to the freaking world! Especially considering all the vocally talented Aries that the Dr. pants knows...there's something in the air—birds, springtime, new growth, renewal, and a desire to croon and cavort like bonobos and over sexed avian alike. Let the jungle know that you came here to rock. Sing out loud, sing out free, free to be, you and me.

 

♉ Taurus –As is apropos of Taurean sunlight time, let's talk history: earth is made of insanely hot star stuff...mostly hydrogen and helium, not unironically they're the lightest elements, containing only one and consecutively two electrons, and then billions and billions of years pass and we’ve cooled, but the inner core of our planet is still molten, shifting and producing magnetic fields that save our skins from not unironically—a blazing Taurean sun.

What you believe you see is only a facet of total truth. You are star stuff, so act accordingly. And happy birthday, you bully bully wooly bully!

 

♊ Gemini –The Dr. Pants smells undeniable evidence of a bugaboo that’s been stuck craw-wise in you for some time. And no, it’s not ennui, it’s not weltschemertz. Nor is it a loup-garou, or a bête noire, but rather…something you’ve been sweeping under a proverbial rug, or—wait, that’s it! That rug really ties the room together! So, look, my little Gemi’s, it’s spring, and soon a Gemini sun, and it’s time to get off your ass and spring clean. Whether that’s your closet, your bathroom, the oven, or your double edged anima. Clear the brush, trim those hedges and scrub your neuronic pathways—luminous times approach. Maybe buy a new rug. Re-tie your room together.

 

♋ Cancer –The sign before every water sign is an air sign, implying that astrologically speaking, solar heated air morphs into solar heated water thrice per annum. This week, the full moon reflects bold initiatively minded Taurean sunlight onto a lunar surface that floats against a background of Scorpionic stars. And soon after our sun moves into double edged Gemini flavor country, as we continue cycling thru an ancient system that we have devised, from our particular pov in the never ending cosmos. Air becomes water becomes fire becomes earth becomes air, over and over ad infinauseum®. This week, change is inevitable, and intrinsically positive.

 

♌ Leo –The mascot for the LA Kings is a lion named Bailey. Which brings up several white elephants in the room, like Kings of the jungle...or in this case of the ice....yeah, okay, fairly thin on the metaphor, but ok, so secondly, they chose the name Bailey to honor a gentleman in the basketball world who died on 9/11, so that's pretty cool, but the Dr. Pants's point is, is that a leonine mascot for a winter sport, played in the desert = whaaa? You, my pointy toothed friend, have been sans mascot for too long. Please adopt a persona—doesn't have to be a living thing btw, and when in doubt, whip out your costume and show off your best ice jig. Prance, lion, prance.

 

♍ Virgo –The time of Taurean sunlight should remind us all that we are literally made of star stuff, that’s been cooling from the outer surface inwards for billions of years, bombarded by other star stuff adding to our bulgy superheated mass, creating trenches and mountains and tectonic whack-a-mole that seems hard to predict, especially if you consider that we’re frakking deep into Mamma Gaia, to release flammable goodies that she’s been hiding from another epoch. This be one hell of a rock we sit atop and occasionally spelunk and frak into. Use the Scorpio full moon on the 14^th to get your bearings, for there will be tons of light and lightning. 

 

♎ Libra -Yo, an example of what not to do as a Libra is sadly, Vladimir Putin, allegedly born Oct 7....and yeah maybe he's born the year of the dragon, which should be enough evidence to convince NATO that—look, the point is of the Dr. Pants, is that dragons are very territorial, and democracy has a different flavor, like avocado liqueur which is at the outset, seems horrifying, so let's arm ourselves and rouse Reagan from his eternal slumber (an Aquarius btw) …unless, cooler cold war heads prevail and we allow, nay...put off...no, allay the fears of...shite. Despite certain Libran political juggernauts, we, the royal WE, have a chance to cleanse our souls with Scorpio full moon reflected Taurean sunlight, refulgent with photon cannons and trebuchets that hurl light waves. Step into the light…

 

♏ Scorpio –Heads up, full moon in Scorp on the 14^th, so unpack your favorite luna-tic pants and find a good spot to soak up Taurean sunlight reflected off the lunar surface, riding parade float-style against a backdrop of arachnidian Scorpionic stars. The spotlight is yours to place, and it’s stronger and harder than a bad girl’s dream. Focus your power and luminosity on any dark corner you please, whether that’s your bathroom that needs cleaning, or you psyche that needs scrubbing. Wherever you go, there will be scads of light… and happy half birthday.

 

♐ Sagittarius –Full moon in Scorpio facing a continent building Taurean solar furnace this week on the 14^th, and since Scorps are about changing the dynamics and pov’s on any given situation, how they transform themselves into what they imagine themselves to be, and how they are alchemically suited to changing wine into more wine…wait a tick—is the Dr. Pants talking about Scorp or Sag? Scorp water does morph into Sag fire, in fact all water signs change into fire. Point is, is that this is a powerful week, replete with rhapsodic interludes of mind altering etudes that carry energy on infinite wavelengths of light. Get a moon tan. Next full moon is yours—all Sag, all nite long.

 

♑ Capricorn -To the Dr. Pants, Caps seem like Jedi’s with a bad attitude and a poor attendance record, the ones most likely to be called into Yoda’s weird tree trunk herpetologist’s wet dream of a home for a stern talking to, and even tho it’s hard to argue with a little green dude who needs a serious mani-pedi, I mean he’s been training Jedi for 900 years give or take—and who the frak are you? And you’ll never be the Sith type, you’re too empathetic despite your bluster. So just take your medicine and do what the little green ninja says. Right he is. Save you he can.

 

Aquarius ♒ -Full moon on the 14^th, reflecting Taurean sunlight from a luna-tic satellite treading water amidst a sea of Scorpionic stars, bathing all our hidden spaces and crawlways with refulgent luminosity that sure—you could resist, and hey, the Dr. Pants is also of the Aquarii, and fully acknowledges the need, despite being an air sign, to bury in the dirt all the places we got hurt. Passivity, non violent opposition, keeping your mouth shut hoping for absolution of a world that often lacks foresight and resorts to violence far too often. This week however, big bright ass moon and inescapable light. Don’t run, just unload and forgive. Spring clean your soul.

 

♓ Pisces –Fret not, this next week is all about you, you fishy fishmongering monkfish, you. It’s a balls deep full moon in Scorpio on the 14^th, which reflects Taurean sunlight towards our luna-tic faces, leaving us without shadows, and tossing everything up for public view. And the Dr. Pants knows how much Pisces enjoy being naked, so whatever you got, it’s time to let it all hang out loud, and hang out free. Moonlight will unburden your soul of whatever you’ve allowed to take root. Spring clean, fishy. Fret not the big waves, they swell in order to clean, heal and ameliorate a winter weary reef. 

 

Send